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The Interspecies Breeding Paradox (ABANDONED)

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I play fast and loose with biology and logic here, but c’mon you know you want to read it. For instance while I use the term hectocotylus, Leonard’s ‘mating arm’ is below his navel instead of amongst his other tentacles. Also everyone is a hermaphroditic but clownfish don’t change to female.


“Move it, cuttlefish!” An angry stingray passenger snarled, shoving at Leonard and nearly dislodging him from his spot on the back of the blue whale.

“Hey!” Leonard stammered, grabbing onto Sheldon with two tentacles to keep himself from sliding despite the fact he still had a good grip on a barnacle with a third, “Wait for the whale to come to a full and complete stop before disembarking! A-and I’m an octopus, not a cuttlefish!”

“You’re wasting your time,” Sheldon replied, not helping Leonard reorient himself. Since Sheldon only had two arms he wasn’t about to let go to help his best friend out, “He’s clearly using that term in a derogatory fashion to refer to the fact your tentacles are shorter than the average cephalopod.”

“Yeah, I know,” Leonard sulked, “I just… I had to say something.”

Leonard removed his arms slowly from Sheldon’s body, knowing full well he’d get pissy soon but not wanting to let him go. He had no idea what attracted him to the snappy shark, but he was undeniably interested in mating with him and had a great deal of difficulty controlling his instinctive colour changing around him. He couldn’t flirt with Sheldon. It just wasn’t right; and it was probably somewhere in the reefmate agreement, too. Sheldon was rather intense when it came to enforcing the reefmate agreement. His decision to share his hunting area with another predator hadn’t come lightly. If it weren’t for the fact that a lone dolphin had been muscling into his territory he never would have allowed it at all, and Leonard knew full well that the part of the reef they called theirs was damn fine and worth fighting over. As it turned out the dolphin had become their friend, but Leonard had stayed on long after any sane person would leave. The reason was obvious to anyone who watched him flicker through appealing colours while Sheldon bragged about his studies on thermodynamics and water currents.

Leonard also worked in thermodynamics, but their other friends were in completely different fields at Cal-Current. Raj was a pink anemone fish working in astro-navigation and Howard- the lone dolphin who had ticked off Sheldon years before- was in ship mechanics dealing with the plague that was fishing ships in the pacific. Their friendship was loosely based on Leonard but now mostly revolved around placating the toothsome Sheldon.

Finally they reached their destination and Sheldon slipped into their research area, a grove in the seabed that had superior current movement. They moved down to their various sections with a bit of chatter and a quick gulp of some kelp to keep their energy up.

“I’ve got some great results on drag coefficient from last nights test,” Sheldon chirped cheerfully.

Leonard tried not to sigh like a giddy fool, “Yeah, me too. I’ll be presenting my findings to Howard of all people. I think he can use it to generate more efficient energy.”

“You’re always so focused on physical results,” Sheldon replied, “Where’s the intellectual pursuit? The thrill of discovery?”

“I’m thrilled,” Leonard muttered, “I’m pursuing.”

“Don’t think I haven’t seen those little colour displays you’ve been putting on,” Sheldon scoffed.

“I… I can explain…” Leonard stammered.

“The only thing you’re pursuing lately is the next wriggly tentacle,” Sheldon gave him a scathing look, “Get your head in the game Leonard. Biological imperative isn’t the end game here. Science is.”

“You’re right,” Leonard sighed sadly, “I’ll try to focus more.”

“That’s all I ask,” Sheldon nodded.

Leonard spent the next hour admiring Sheldon’s physique discreetly. He looked almost like a human on his top half with the exception of his finned ears. The lower half of him was a shark’s tail, smooth and beautiful with his claspers on full display for any to stare at with longing. Leonard often fantasized about taking them both into his body at once. He was sure he could handle them with the right amount of preparation. He could take two of his own tentacles while masturbating and that couldn’t be too different.

Leonard sighed, staring down at his hands and far too-short tentacles. He was similar to Sheldon in basic layout but his torso was a light tan rather than the pale of Sheldon’s gorgeous skin. His ears were also nonexistent, just little holes beneath his mop of wild hair that almost resembled a second set of tentacles. His eight ‘arms’ beneath his belly button were brown when resting and could change colour and pattern based on his mood and surroundings.

“That ray was right. I do look like a cuttlefish.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Leonard,” Sheldon scoffed, “Cuttlefish have completely different torsos.”

That brought Leonard’s eyes back to Sheldon’s torso again, and he couldn’t help but notice a bit of swelling in his clasper. Leonard’s eyes widened in alarm and he spoke before his brain could tell his mouth to shut the hell up.

“Uh, Sheldon? You feeling okay?”

“Hm?” Sheldon glanced up from his slate where he was scratching some equations and followed Leonard’s wide eyes, “Oh that. Did you think you were the only one subjected to the perils of mating season? Don’t worry, Leonard I’ve developed a full-proof method of dealing with it.”

“And that would be?” Leonard asked, his colours rapidly cycling in the hopes of catching Sheldon’s eye. It was glued to the slate.

“Ignore it.”

“Just… ignore it?”


“Don’t you… I don’t know… deal with it sometimes?”

“Are you asking if I masturbate?” Sheldon asked in surprise.


“Of course I do, I am a living being. For pities sake, do I masturbate! And you call yourself a scientist! It’s simply more efficient to release semen on a regular basis rather than allow it to build up until the impeding release impairs sleep. Not to mention the mess it makes should I produce a nocturnal emission. For your information I have a set masturbatory schedule in place.”



“Doesn’t that get… boring?”

“Why would it? I masturbate every Thursday. It allows me to start my weekend off with a bang,” Sheldon snickered at his joke and Leonard tried to hide his throbbing arousal as his hectocotyli shivered in desire.

“Wouldn’t it be more… productive… with the addition of another variable?” Leonard tried.

“What sort of variable? Naughty toys?” Sheldon looked scandalized.

“Well… there’s that… or… you know… another mer.”

“Why would I want to muddy the waters with another mer?” Sheldon replied with a note of disgust, “That’s just crazy talk.”

“Yeah,” Leonard sighed.

“How is your acquisition of Penny going?” Sheldon asked.

Penny was a classic mermaid with sage green skin, blonde hair, and beautiful turquoise eyes. Leonard had been with her on and off for a bit until Penny had opened his eyes to his crush on Sheldon. Since then they’d been close friends, Leonard regularly weeping on her tail after he and Sheldon had their regular fights.

“I’m going a different direction this season,” Leonard replied hesitantly, “Penny and I were discussing me finding someone to actually breed with rather than just have sex. I’d like to pass on my intellect and… well…”

“Oh, I agree. Penny is a terrible choice for actual reproduction, although I still feel disdain for your penchant for recreational sex.”

“Right,” Leonard nodded, “I… I was thinking another predator like myself.”

“Mm,” Sheldon replied, looking more distracted by the moment, “Just remember the reefmate agreement. No predators in my reef.”

Our reef, and I wasn’t going to bring back someone you don’t know.”

My reef, and I’m fine with you bedding Raj or Howard, just be sure to gag Howard. His clicking and squealing was annoying enough from across the hall when he managed to bed the Whore of Omaha.”

“I’m not above stuffing a tentacle in someone’s mouth if I have to,” Leonard smirked, “How… how do you feel about stuff like that?”

“Hm?” Sheldon grunted.

“Have you ever been… gagged? Tied up? Maybe pinned down?”

“I’m a shark, Leonard. I don’t get pinned down and only a fool would stuff their tentacle in my mouth,” Sheldon gave Leonard a sharp-toothed grin and it went straight to his cotylus despite the fact it was a clear rejection.

“Oh, yeah,” Leonard laughed awkwardly.

Strike One


Raj flicked his fins in Howard’s direction and the engineer’s tail shivered in response. He dragged his eyes back to his work and Raj continued on to his own section with a light chuckle. Howard would hump anything on a regular basis, but during mating season his sex drive mysteriously went on hiatus. He claimed it was his inherent fear of reproducing that stopped him from craving sex during the season. Raj was fine with Howard getting off with everyone for the remainder of their lives, but he did want to start a family and he wanted to start it with the mer he loved. So he was flirting shamelessly every time his perky dolphin-tailed friend was nearby.

The thing was, he knew full well that Howard wouldn’t give in, as he hadn’t in the seven years they’d known each other, but he wasn’t going to ease up. He’d always wanted a family and now that he was full of eggs and fertile he wanted his lover to father them before he laid a nest of hollow fish bait.

Sure enough, his constant fin flipping had caught the dolphin’s eye and he pulled Raj aside for a frantic snog. Raj’s black hair perfectly contrasted his orange body with flirty white stripes. His long tail was thin and shapely, well toned with regular exercise classes. Howard’s shaft had slid out of his mating slit and was leaking scent into the water around them. Raj flitted down, flirty as he stared up through his eyelashes at his heated lover. He knew in a minute he could bring him from bored to squealing in pleasure, but he had to draw it out or Howard would find a way to get out of penetrating him.

Howard giggled a bit hysterically, brushing curly hair away from his beautiful beaky nose. He was always a bit frenzied when sex was eminent. Raj lapped around the base of his cock, tongue flicking his sharply curved member as it moved up his body slowly. Howard keened a bit. Apparently it had been a while for him. Raj wasn’t surprised. The second he’d noticed Raj swimming a bit differently he’d backed away from all sex with him and quite possibly everyone else. Raj smiled as he moved up Howard’s body.

“You look ravishing tonight,” Raj purred.

“You look edible,” Howard growled. It was a common flirt for him. Raj was one of only two other herbivores in their school. Raj had found it racist at first, but now he was just heatedly aroused.

Raj flitted around to place his back against a rock and display his mating slit, the lips swollen with desire. He reached down to stroke them, knowing full well that Howard would dive straight in if given the chance. Spreading his lips allowed his own shaft to slide free, but Howard would happily ignore that in order to thrust into his slit beside his cock, reducing them both to quivering lumps of pleasure. If Raj could get him to put out and put in at the same time.

“You’re trying to seduce me,” Howard groaned, reaching down to stroke himself. Raj knew for a fact he masturbated seven times a day.

“You’re trying to deny me your progeny,” Raj replied.

Big mistake.

Howard turned from his usual grey to white and fled him in a hurry. By the time Raj found him he was already panting out his release… into the water.

“Ohhh!” Raj groaned miserably, “I wanted that!”

“Hey, baby, I still have the energy for you,” Howard replied soothingly, pulling him against him.

Raj wanted to sulk, but one glance into those dark brown eyes and he was wriggling in his grasp. Howard brought him off easily, hand stroking his cock while his still-hard cock slipped in and out of his slick slit. Raj held out hope long past his shouted climax, but as usual Howard pulled out before climaxing a second time. Raj groaned in frustration, but long after their last parting kiss he continued to hope that some of the stubborn mer’s come had made it inside of his womb.