Chapter 1: The Switch
She's hitting on you so I'll do you the favor of letting you know there's a dick under this skirt.
Sometimes life can be hard when you have a split personality, but for the most part, my life was great. I had friends. Everyone liked me. I constantly had boys at my feet. Beauty and a great personality will do that. But mostly beauty and let me tell you, I was gorgeous...well, I mean, I still am. I'm not a fricken writer, so I don't know how to grammar, ok!? Back on topic, I'm definitely hot but seriously lacking in the boob department. I'd like to think that my long legs leading up to my perfect ass more than make up for it. I guess I don't mind really. I could always fix that issue with surgery when I finally turn eighteen . . . and after having a lengthy argument with my other half: the host personality. We've always co-existed nicely, more so in our younger years. Sure becoming a teenager put a strain on our happy medium but we still made it work. Well, it was working until the day I met him. The gorgeous new boy. What with his dark hair and that fair skin that was almost too pale and the stupid fucking disinterest he exuded. Ugh. Someone remind me again why I want this jerk so bad. No, not you, Mikasa. I don't care how many times you say it, I don't want him more just because he rejected me, ok. Let me start this over. I'll start with the actual day I met this delicious looking ass-hat.
The school year started off like any other. The only difference being that I was a junior now. Oh and we had a new principal, Commander Handsome himself, Mr. Smith. He was in a high ranking military position, so I'd heard, before deciding on high school as a career. Who knows the fuck why but damn, I was glad for it though considering I had this new, nice piece of man meat to check out. It's kind of funny that they decided on this guy considering our principal last year was fired for having (consented) sexual relations with a few students. Not like I was going to attempt to bed Mr. Smith myself but hot damn, a girl could dream . . . of banging this dreamboat of a man. I knew I'd have to find reasons to land myself in the principal's office this year. I was always a nice girl but maybe now I wanted to be bad, so bad.
Of all the stupid little things I was doing to garner enough attention, I managed to only get sent to his office once in the first two weeks. I was a let down to myself but hey, I made it at least. Captain America must've noticed my staring because I was brought out of my fantasy by his fingers. Ohhh my gosh those strong, perfectly thick, long fingers. . . snapping in my face. Whatever I had done to get here, he wasn't even talking about it now. Instead, I was hearing about how I was a beautiful young lady with so much potential and a whole life ahead of me. And how I shouldn't do anything to stifle my own success. Well duh, I knew that. The beautiful woman part that is. Uhhh, now he's looking at me with that disappointed furrowing of brows. And holy freakin' caterpillars, Batman! How did I not notice that until now? I could look past that though. This man was gorgeous enough and a little wax on wax off would make him perfect. Underneath the Eugene Levy were gorgeous blue peepers after all. Oh gosh, I'm staring again, stop it brain! He rolled his eyes followed up with the cutest little, friendly scoff ever. Standing up, he walked to the door and opened it, cuing me that this meeting was done. As I passed by, he made a quick comment on me finding a nice boy my own age to be smitten by. Then he flashed me a straight set of pearly whites, forcing me to do the same, before he returned to his desk. Well how the heck do you expect me to do that when your smile is so infectious?
Upon exiting I was met by Mikasa. Of course I was. She was always there whenever I managed to find myself in trouble, which wasn't often. Worry was laced in her eyes. "It wasn't bad. Don't worry." I said walking by her nonchalantly, hoping she wouldn't lecture me, too.
"Bad enough to get you called in there."
"Yeah well, I didn't get yelled at if that's what you're thinking. He's really nice." I must've sounded hazed with lust or something because Mikasa just laughed at me. "Oh shut up." I hip checked her lightly and began laughing with her. Mikasa really understood me and was always there. Even when I felt being alone was what I needed, she'd stay with me because being alone, she knew, was the worst thing for me. This is why she was my best friend. Armin was a close second. Speaking of, where was that boy?
"Armin's getting our lunches-" I swear she was a mind reader. "To make up for the time you caused us by visiting Principal Hot Stuff." That earned her another hip check. I put my hands over her mouth when she opened it to speak again. I was hearing no more from her. As if I weren't being enough of a giddy girl right now. Her remarks would just make me even more so. We were fighting each other for dominance when Armin finally arrived. He took in the sight like it was the most amusing thing ever.
"Gimme, gimme." I reached out while curling my fingers in and out in a grabby motion. "I'm soooo hungr-." Mikasa grabbed one of the rolls from the tray and shoved it my mouth. I coughed it out while she giggled to herself. Even Armin couldn't hide his smile. These jerks. "That was assault and you-" I pointed to Armin "Are an accessory to the crime."
"Please, don't turn me in to your principal boyfriend." Oh no he didn't.
Thus was the entirety of our lunch hour. Me being all giddy and stupid while Armin and Mikasa poked fun at me. Times like these were the ones I cherished. Times when it was just the three of us, sitting around talking, laughing. Gosh, I loved these two. More than anything. Well, they were tied for first place with my parents and sister. Pretty sure I had more fun with Armin and Mikasa though. Fun that would have to be put on hold for now considering lunch was almost over. We all stood together as I busied myself with digging in my purse for a sucker. Upon finding it, I made quick of unwrapping it and putting it in my mouth. Oh grape Blow Pop how I love you. "Hey, wait up!" My friends hadn't waited on me this time and I had to run to catch up. That's when I noticed the new kid, sitting in the same spot as usual. He always sat alone like a freakin' dork on the bench under the stairs eating his lunch and reading. I understood being too cool to eat in the lunch room, but alone? Can you say weirdoooo.
"Umphf." I ran into Armin's back. I'm a dummy. I guess I was looking at this new guy so hard it had apparently made me blind. I quickly apologized to Armin and he just smiled. Damn, this boy was too sweet for his own good. I'll never be able to grasp how anyone would want to bring any harm upon that cute little blonde head of his.
Anyway, new guy. Of all the times I'd seen him sitting there he never once looked up to see what was going on around him. Like he was perfectly content with whatever it was he was always doing. Well, enough of his solitude. It was about time he talk to someone and that someone was going to be me. I pulled the sucker out from my mouth and sized him up. Maybe if I get a glimpse of his face I can make a clear decision on whether or not he deserves my undivided attention. All right, it's go time. Oh don't you roll your eyes at me, Mikasa, giving me that look that says I shouldn't go through with my current train of thought. Too bad though. Once my mind is set on a goal, I stick with it. I had a clear objective in place and a little seductive wiggle in my hips. I approached him. Mikasa be damned.
"Hey, cutie." I said, pairing the words with the most adorable smile I could muster. I should've know it'd be a waste though seeing as this douche didn't even look up. Not even a flinch of acknowledgement. He just continued on reading like the world wasn't going on around him. Ok, try again, Erin. "Do you always refrain from making eye contact when people talk to you?" I asked as cutesy and friendly as possible. Reaction accomplished. He raised his head slightly to take in the surrounding, as if I weren't talking to him. "Oh yes, I'm talking to you." I was careful to keep my rising annoyance from lacing itself into my tone. I flashed him my pearly whites again. It wasn't wasted this time.
"Yeah?" 'Yeah'? That's it!? Did he have to say it in the most bored tone ever? I wasn't boring. I didn't bore people. I'm fun, hilarious...adorable! Address me as such, guy.
"I haven't seen you around before. You must be new here." With this remark he finally raised his eyes completely to meet mine. I was struck with amazing blues peering through a canopy of black fringe. This guy wasn't even cute. He was down right gorgeous. Seeing his face made me all but forget about Commander What's-his-face playing principal.
"Great work, detective." Ummm, what?
"Anyway . . . I'm Erin. I just wanted to say hi-"
"You already did."
"And extend my generosity." I said with a wink, pulling the lollipop out of my mouth to swirl my tongue around it.
"I don't think you understand-"
"I think I got it loud and clear."
"Then let me offer you-"
"You have nothing I want." I imagined that at this point my face looked like the expression Katniss made when Johanna begins to strip in the elevator in that Hunger Games movie.
"Oh?" Is this mother f'er really just sitting there, glaring at me in annoyance? Seriously, what did I have to do to get through to this guy? "Nothing at all?" I let out teasingly.
The next thing I know, I'm holding his hand up under my skirt. The only thing separating his cool palm from my warm hoo-ha was the damp cloth of my panties. Oh my gosh, the look on his face was pure shock and confusion. Forget about fifty shades of grey, it's been replaced by red. I could feel my face burning with a horrible embarrassment. There was no hiding it. Once I felt my face heating up, it was all downhill from there. I could never control the hot spread after it started. It only got darker.
What in the actual fuck just happened!? It was almost as if I had blanked out for whatever had lead to this..this...I don't even know what this was! That wasn't possible though, me switching. I never lost control to my other half. My consciousness was only surrendered when I went to bed at the end of the day.
I made quick of dropping my hand and stepping back from him. I was utterly mortified as he just held that same expression.
"Uhhh...I...I don't know what came over me." I was fumbling. It was a struggle to find the right words to say. Wait, words? What the heck were words again? "I . . . I'm sorry!" I turned on my heels and damn near ran away, not daring to look back. "Can we please go now? Go, go, GO!" It came out as an order. An order that Mikasa and Armin were quick to follow like they were my subordinates. Why couldn't I just apparate like Harry freakin' Potter right now? I just want to die. As if the rejection wasn't bad enough, I went and threw myself at him. Well, my crotch anyway. Ugh, no! Shut up self! Like, how does something like that even happen? 'Here guy, feel my pussy through my panties. Nice, isn't it.' Ew, I just said pussy. Ugh, I said it again! I hate myself so damn much right now. This day couldn't get any worse. In fact, I'm sure my life couldn't. This was officially rock bottom. Like when people get so desperate for money that they resort to making gay porn. Fuck my life, I was done with this day.
I awoke feeling more depressed than usual. It was probably remnants of how Erin was feeling before she fell asleep last night. She took the courtesy in deciding not to write me why I'd start the day feeling shitty right off the bat though. Thanks for that. Not like it changed much. Today was droning on as uneventful as any other. Well aside from the verbal harassment which was so normal it was commonplace for me. Well I guess that could be counted as uneventful in itself. I just ignore it and keep moving on through the mundane routine: acting like no one else existed in this hell hole of a life. Save for a few people I decided I liked. Whom I was with now.
Armin was always pretty good at getting my mind off of things. What with all his talk about traveling abroad and dragging me and Mikasa along with him. It was a nice gesture but I knew it'd never happen. No matter how much he may or may not have planned this, It was bound to dissolve. He wouldn't last a day without his darling Krista. At least he had someone. Not like I was jealous or anything.
Besides, if I ever decided that I was that lonely I'd have Mikasa to fall back on. Not that I'd ever want to. Sure she was a gorgeous. Aesthetically my type, being Asian-American and all but that personality. Damn she could be overbearing. I new she loved me but I wasn't some fragile little figurine that needed to remain protected on a shelf behind glass. And that wasn't an exaggeration of how protective she was of me.
I truely did appreciate these two though. They were the only people who I considered my real friends. Hell, my family. I don't know what I'd do if they were gone from my life. They were my support beams. Even now. Here they were, Mikasa trying to talk me into feeling better while Armin tried to broach a topic he knew would take my mind off of things. They new what happened yesterday. Why Erin was so depressed but no matter what, they never talked to me about what she did unless I asked. Another reason I was grateful for these two.
We walked in close rank as we weaved through the rest of the student body who were rushing to where ever they had to be after school. As for us, we didn't need to be anywhere today so we parked our asses on the steps leading up to some poor excuse of a sculpture. We were minding our own business when some random guy decided to come up to me and damn near make me lash out in anger from his tone alone. Breathe. Don't freak out and break another random guy's nose. Don't add another issue to the growing pile of shit mom and dad had to deal with.
"Hey! What's your deal? You get off on cross dressing and tossing yourself at strangers." It came out as more of a statement than a question.
"Do I know you?" This guy had been staring me down all damn day. Now I knew why. I couldn't help but laugh a little when the realization of his significance hit me. Really now, Erin, you let yourself get torn up over this. Haha oh man. Although, listening to Her fumble through rejection like a dipshit was amusing it was also irritating at the same time. I had to step in and do something. She was pretty much inviting me to take over with how badly her emotions were spiking all over the place. So I decided I'd come to Her rescue. Sort of.
"You have nothing I want."
"Oh?" I was internally grinning ear to ear at the idea of hijacking this situation. "Nothing at all?
Oh, yeah, this shit was on. Goodbye, Erin, hello to me. I grabbed the hem of my skirt with my left hand and began scrunching it up in my palm. I spoke in rhythm with my actions.
"I'm sure I have something . . ." I said in a husky, low, seductive tone. That crappy excuse for a female tone was nowhere in my voice. Did he notice? Fucking right he did. The widening of his eyes were a testament to that. He almost didn't even notice when I grabbed his hand with my right. I slid it under my skirt and with a slight parting of my thighs, I pushed it palm up in between my legs. Riiiiiight on my bunched up junk, snuggly packed (thanks Mikasa) in these tiny ass chick panties. I grinned maliciously at him. Feel that? Yeah, that's a cock right there, buddy. Bet you're so interested now. Oh and haha fuck you, Erin. I'm not going to let you add this guy to your long list of 'banged that'.
Oh yeah, let me finish that sentence I started -
"That would interest you." Aaaaaaaaaand I'm out.
That's where I left Erin to clear up the mess I made for her. Ahh yes, I am a damn genius. I am fucking hilarious. Well, Erin didn't think so but I didn't care. She embarrassed me enough as it was. Payback was all I had. Yet here I was, the one left dealing with this little shit-storm that I had created, damn.
"You're that guy . . . She was tripping over. Great job rejecting her. She needs to be knocked off her pedestal."
"Look man, just stay away from Her, er me. Whatever. Just leave us alone and we'll all be happy." I didn't even give him a chance to retort. I just turned and walked away from that confused ass expression on his face. Mikasa followed quickly while I'm sure Armin was giving the guy a sad smile before joining us. At least that's what I was picking up from that disappointing tone he'd just used when saying my name.
The look on that guy's face though, I could never fully express how much satisfaction it brought me seeing them like that. It was what I loved seeing when they came looking for Erin and got me instead. I would never tire of it. Would never tire of rejecting the assholes who decided it was a good idea to fuck me without my permission. Did they think it was ok to shove their cocks up my ass as long I didn't remember it or something? I was never homophobic but I swear Erin was forcing me to be. Why my mind decided to branch off one day and become a girl was beyond me. I had never once in my life been attracted to dicks but I guess Erin loved 'em. She couldn't get enough 'em.
There was always some new jackass approaching me every week. Trying to talk to me about shit I didn't remember. It was the shit She spewed. How do these people not know by now that I have two fucking personalities. Well if they know they're obviously too stupid to grasp the concept of what it means. Sure my disorder wasn't like the more common ones of the same type but still, these people needed to do a little more research if they wanted to actually talk to me. Which I knew they didn't because apparently gay guys only bang dudes that try to look like chicks. I would never understand the reasoning behind that either. And here I thought I was a freak. At least I have the excuse of amnesia. Maybe I should stop being so harsh. Wait, nope. These jack-holes deserved it.
The way I see it, if someone really, truly liked that other side of me then they'd fight for it. They'd figure out how to handle both of us. Not go scurrying away after dealing with me. Not that I'd date a fucking guy anyway. I'm not gay. I know that doesn't sound believable but dammit it's the truth. One day I'd rid myself of the parasite that is Erin and my life will be normal again. I don't care who says it or how many times I hear it, She's not me. She never will be. The things she wants, I'll never let happen.
This was the bullshit that was my life. The crap I had to put up with. I'm just biding my time 'til I can figure out how to finally make her disappear.
Chapter 2: Let Me Explain
I used to be normal.
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
It wasn't always like this. Having two personalities. Being diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Once upon a time I was normal. Just a little boy who did normal boy things. Or at least that's how I remembered it anyways. I was nine and hopelessly confused after Erin came along. Life had become a bunch of blank spaces. Days upon days of not having consciousness. When I was there, it was just a blur of disarray. I never knew what was going on as Erin was always the one in control. She only ever let me out when she felt uncomfortable. That's what they told me anyway. Like she hid behind me every time she didn't want to deal with something.
I was doomed to hours of therapy. In the beginning, those sessions were the only thing that made it possible for a switch to happen. Every time the therapist had tried talking to her about whatever traumatic event it was that triggered the split, she would turn it over to me. After the sessions ended, she'd just put me away again like I was a toy to be ignored and played with when wanted.
It was assumed that She stayed out in order to protect me from that traumatic memory. She didn't want me to remember what had happened to Her, to me . . . us. Frustrating as it may be, she was there to store something away I couldn't handle.
I took whatever drugs my dad had decided were good to experiment on me for "my sake", to find out what yielded the best results. The goal in the beginning was to get me to realize that She was actually there. For me to know that I had this disorder. After that it was for me to gain consciousness more often but She didn't like being dormant. Which lead to more pills.
An experimental pill that would supposedly give her no choice in having control anymore. It had worked. They were able to regulate my switches from day to day. She'd get one and I'd get the next. It was nice being able to exist again. Have regularity where there was none in a life such as mine had become.
Her and I co-existed the best I suppose anyone could under these circumstances. I never had any knowledge or memory of the things she did but it wasn't like that for her. She'd sometimes know what happened when she wasn't around. It didn't seem fair but I didn't have much of a choice. That had eventually stopped though, after taking the pills for so long.
Sadly, I wasn't the only person affected. My dad seemed to become crazed with the idea of healing me. He was constantly researching different kinds of drugs to try out on me. He became consumed by it. His life became dedicated to me and he all but forgot about his patients. His cred was knocked down a bit as a result.
My mom on the other hand was always checking out various therapeutic exercises. Which were all boring and sucked by the way. I was prepared to toss the rest of my life over to Erin if my mom expected me to keep up with that crap.
It saddened me to watch my parents become less of the people they once were. I saw it worse in my mom. She tried not to look torn up about it but I knew it was killing her. As if seeing me go through my highs and lows weren't enough, she had to deal with all the sideways glances and whispers going through the neighborhood. Everyone knew everybody's business around here. Bunch of bored housewives sitting around gossiping while they spent their husbands' money.
My mother used to be one of those women. Bragging all day about her rich and well known doctor of a husband. Her life was so perfect. Constantly going to social parties seemingly to show off the dresses and jewels her husband adorned her with.
That had all changed though. She had always told me that looking into my eyes as Erin made her a better person. That the fierceness she saw in Erin's eyes on that first day had grounded her somehow. Made her humble.
She stopped partaking in all of those extravagant events I used to hear about all the time. She didn't care for them anymore. I knew the real reason. She was embarrassed of me. She hated when people would inquire about her freak son. Who could blame her really. Her and my dad had every right to be angry, sad . . . disgusted. I was just one huge disappointment.
I understood how shameful it must have been, how it must still be. Being surrounded by all these other perfect families. Sure they all had their own little problems but none as horrendous as the Jaeger family's. I was too weak to prevent our societal decent. Still, to this day, too powerless to even begin to fix it.
I wish I could make it all go away. Make everything normal again. More so for them than myself.
Maybe I should write Erin an explanation. I suppose she deserves one but I'm not really feeling up to it. Far too lazy to get out of my bed to get the notebook off the desk. The book filled with pages upon pages of our scrawling back and forth to one another. It's a way for us to communicate. Not that I ever have much to say. She hardly ever listens anyway but she sure has a lot to bitch about. Like I'm the one who decided to materialize one day and ruin her life. She knows damn well that I was here first yet she acts like I'm the one invading her body, her life.
The latest entry in out notebook from her was something about wanting fake nails or some shit. She was unhappy about mom not letting her get it done without my permission. Something she knew would never happen. At least with everything she shaved on me, it could be covered. The makeup wiped off and the ridiculous amount of product in my hair washed out. How did she not feel grateful for the crap she got away with already?
I know she's going to be pissed when she wakes up next, whenever that may be, if I don't write an explanation for my actions. But why should I? Really. She never really explained the things she did. Seriously, all she ever does is complain or want something. She's making me more crazy than I already am. If that's possible. I'm pretty sure her goal is to make me as miserable as possible. Which in turn, I gladly return the favor.
It's odd that I keep her sated and angry at the same time. I shouldn't care about the well being of her emotional state but for some reason I do. Just a little bit. I wonder if she even cares about mine. I'd guess no seeing as she keeps trying to have boyfriends. Let me tell you, if knowing these guys had fucked me wasn't enough, them coming back for more was just pissing me off.
I've thought of so many ways of getting rid of her but I don't think going all Edward Norton at the end of Fight club would be a good solution. Probably wouldn't make my parents too happy either. Ah hell, who am I kidding? I'd never intentionally hurt myself. Erin may be a self centered douche but I certainly am not. Keeping everyone content is more important. I would never want to hurt the people I love. I'm sure she does though for her own personal gain.
It baffles me how anyone could like her. Well, my opinion is speculation I suppose since my only interaction with her is on fucking paper. Or if I'm lucky, a video. It's always a complete joy seeing me looking super fucking gay bitching at myself. Which I'm sure is what I'm going to get the next time I lose consciousness and come back. I can't wait.
I guess it's time for me to pen something profound before I pass out. It's so comfy just laying in this nest of blankets in only my boxers. To put a shirt on or not to. That is the question. She hates it when she wakes up topless. What's one more thing for her to bitch about? Ok notebook, here I come. What to write? Slap down the first thing that comes to mind as usual:
9/22 - Oops.
There. She should be happy that I at least dated it. Maybe I should add that I ate cheesecake for dinner because fuck her "girlish figure". Then hide those awful corsets she's killing me with. I really need to stop with all these ideas. She's going to be super miffed as it is.
I should also get up and shower. Meh. Oh well.
Sorry my chapters aren't that long. I'm trying here.
Feel free to point out any errors.
But oh my gosh don't destroy my not so fragile heart.
Chapter 3: Five Days!?
Five freaking days. Eren got to be conscious for a whole week? How unfair.
I guess this is like a part one for this specific chapter. I've been sitting on this for over a month waiting to edit. Bleh.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
I always did enjoy waking slowly from the sounds of birds chirping and the morning sun peeking through my curtains. It was such a calm and relaxing way to, wait, why isn't my alarm going off. The sun!? What time is it!? Where the H is my phone, my tablet, anything with the f'ing time on it! Flying out of bed I made my way to my laptop, when I was caught by my reflection in the mirror. What the fuuuuuuu.
"Uuugh, EREN!" I hate you. I hate you so much right now.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" I heard my mom call from somewhere nearby.
"What's wrong? Only everything!" I had said to myself but my mom heard it now that she was standing in my doorway. Is this woman a frickin ninja? How did she get there so fast? And oh my gosh I'm topless. "MOM!" I shrieked as I flung my arms over my chest as I scrambled to my bed for blanket coverage. And did she just roll her eyes at me!?
"Don't tell me you're just now waking up." She said with disappointment in her tone. "Stop worrying, I'm not looking." She was looking. "Besides, we're all ladies here." Now there was a hint of amusement in her tone.
"My alarm wasn't set. This is His fault not mine. And why am I topless? He knows he's supposed to go to bed with a freakin' shirt on." I'm pretty sure my mom just giggled to herself. What is so damn funny about any of this?
"Well you have ten minutes until we leave." Her smile was finally starting to die down.
"Wait, what? What time is it?"
"Five to seven. Now try to hurry or you'll make you and your sisters late for school."
"Hurry!? Look at me! No, don't look at me. I'm not trying to be rude to you mom but I'm freaking filthy. My hair is disgusting and I'm hairy everywhere! Does this guy not know what a shower is? How long have I been gone!?
"It's been five days." She replied rather sheepishly
"What!?" My jaw dropped. Five freakin' days! Oh, He was going to hear about this. Forget about the notebook, this was beyond a written response. I was beyond enraged to even manage that anyway but it'd have to wait until later. Unfortunately. "Ughhh. Just go." I said throwing my hands up as I walked to my bathroom. I tend to be over dramatic sometimes. "I'll get a ride from Mikasa. I need help getting dressed anyways." I hope she caught that because I already had my toothbrush crammed in my mouth.
"Fine. Just try not to be too late."
"Oh, could you call my pho-" I started to ask as I stuck my head out the door only to see my mom holding my cell out to me. Ninja, mind reader, I swear this woman did it all. What would I do without her? I took it from her and called Mikasa. She answered as I was spitting the remains of toothpaste into the sink. Mikasa didn't like being late for school or anything for that matter. So I knew I was asking a lot. I also knew she wouldn't let me down. We're best friends for a reason.
By the time she had arrived I was standing in just my panties, makeup done and attempting to dry my hair. I didn't mind Mikasa seeing me in all my naked glory but I did cringe at the thought of not shaving and her seeing it. She came prepared for this though with some legging-skirt thing. Let me share with you that I hate covering my legs up. They're like one of my best assets. This is why I do not own any pants or pants like things.
After slipping it on, Mikasa stuck her hand down my front of my pants. I know what you're thinking, total lesbian action going on here but it's nothing like that. She always told me there were things about (er on) my body that I didn't see or register because of my personality disorder. She never specified what exactly but I trust her so that's all that matters to me. This is why Mikasa was and still is the person to help me get dressed. That and she's always well put together. Why wouldn't I trust her with my own appearance?
Finally dressed, I checked out what she had put me in. Not being a fan of pants, this outfit still looked great. Now to pin back my bangs and add some loosely braided pigtails, hot damn I'm cute. What, a girl can't appreciate how ridiculously good looking she is? I'm seriously so attractive it should be illegal. And there goes Mikasa rolling her eyes at me. I swear she can hear my inner dialogue.
"Yeah, yeah, you're adorable. Now let's go beautiful." How nice of her to notice something so obvious. "Erin, stop staring at yourself and move it!" Uh-oh, she's getting into no more patience mode so I make quick to gather my things for school. Not that I knew where anything even was. Being gone for five days and all. Five days of Eren getting away with making me look a damn boy. The thought alone was too much to bear. Gross. By the time Mikasa had found everything and stuffed it in my messenger bag I had only managed to locate a purse to match my outfit. Score one me I guess.
The thought of going to school and seeing the guy I had thrown myself at last week was making me nervous. The kind of nervous where your stomach cramps and you're afraid to leave the bathroom. Why didn't I just ask my mom if I could stay home? Not that she would have let me. Besides, I have quite a bit of catching up to do. Like rehearsing for the upcoming performance my acapella group has in two weeks. (Another thing I do that embarrasses Eren. He should be happy that I'm super passionate about something other than dick. (I love both but singing takes the top spot.) Today is going to be all a game of catch up. So not thrilled.
Somehow I make it through the entire day not seeing that drop dead gorgeous, raven locked boy. I'm left feeling anxious because of it though. I don't know what Eren may or may not have done but I'm sure it's something I should fix. I should at least apologize and attempt to explain myself for the dreadful hand up the skirt incident. I can feel blush beginning to burn my cheeks at the mere thought of it. I so do not want to deal with that but if I have any hope of getting with Sir Sexiness, I need to try. I don't know what it is about this guy. I can't help but want him. He's probably transferred back to his old school just to avoid me. Ok, I'm being a little dramatic . . . and pompous I suppose. No one would actually transfer schools because of me, right?
I'm left standing here sighing dejectedly at my locker. Guess I'll have to hope to wake up the day after tomorrow and try again. I need to go find my girls anyway. I need to rehearse, like yesterday. I text my group and demand a meet up. They are having no say in this. Not that they would object. I finish clearing my locker of the nightly necessities, a.k.a. homework, (shoot me please) as Mikasa finds her way over to me. I ask her again to tell me if Eren said anything to Hot New Guy while I was away but then stop her when she begins to answer. I want to know but at the same time I don't. I'm torn between sating my curiosity and maintaining my sanity. I'm pretty sure if I knew what he said, if he did say anything at all, it'd make it all the harder for me to approach that deliciously bang-able meat stick. (These nicknames are amusing me to no end but I really need to find out his name. Which nobody seems to know by the way. How irritating.)
Mikasa and I walk hand in hand, like the doofuses we are, to the commons area outside. When the weather is nice, the girls and I like rehearsing outside. Mikasa usually hangs around doing homework and extra credit work until we're done. Having to take home any work sucks. She seems to do it for fun. I know she's just applying herself to the fullest extent but still, funk that. I'm not wasting my time on the garbage when I'm going to become a famous singer someday.
When we approach the commons area entrance, I see my group through the windows. All accounted for. I love how fast we assemble. I can't help but smile. Excitement shoots through me because my mind knows it's been too long since I last seen them all. My hand slips from Mikasa's as I plow through the doors to get outside. Rounding the last corner I'm met with a collision. I lose my balance and my butt is on the ground. No big deal. I begin to giggle. Before I even know what even happened I'm being scolded.
"Maybe you should wear your damn glasses if you're that fucking blind." Oh my gosh, no. I look up in hopes that this voice doesn't match to- noooo nononono. Him. Why did it have to be him?
"Uhh . . . um." Why am I now just realizing I forgot to put my contacts in this morning. Not that it would've made a difference in this horrible situation. I stay seated, too shocked or scared, I don't even know. I don't move until I see him crouch down to gather everything I knocked out of his hands. I fumble forward to help and ram my head into his. OH MY FREAKIN' GOSH! I could die right here and now and be happier. What is this, some cheesy romantic comedy? Except there was nothing romantic or funny about this.
"For fucks sake." He spews out very irritably as he palms at the back of his head. "Don't." He states as I try to help again then gives me this terrifying death glare and then goes back to gathering his things. His look falters for a moment before he looks away. Petra helps him as Mikasa pulls me up from the ground. She's talking but I can't hear anything. I'm so overwhelmed with embarrassment and anger that I feel tears start to burn in my eyes. Do not cry. Do not freaking cry right now, Erin. Hold it together until he's gone at least. I hear him mumbling something about his stuff being 'fucking filthy'. His gaze meets mine one more time as he turns to leave. I try to say I'm sorry but he's not even listening. Great, here come the water works. He's in the building, thankfully, before my frustrated sob takes over. Petra goes in after him. Mikasa wraps her arms around me and asks if my forehead is ok. Now that she's mentioned it, it hurts. Like a lot. The rest of my friends pull us over to a table to sit. Like the wonderfully supportive people they are, they go on defending me and talk about how much of an a-hole that guy is. Saying I shouldn't let it get to me. Do they not know I've been, regretfully, developing a massive crush for him? Of course they don't because Eren has been hoarding all of my days. This is all His fault.
Petra reappears from out of the school and ask that I come inside with her. I don't want to get up. My head is really starting to hurt. I'm beginning to feel light headed and dizzy but she continues to beckon. I reluctantly get up to see what is so urgent to her. Once inside, she brings me to the nearest stairwell and asks if I'll be all right. She then nearly whispers that she knows I like him. Understanding to an extent why I'd be upset. Maybe the group does know after all. Perhaps I'd clarify this later.
"I'm going now. Be nice." Petra states as she gives me a warm smile and walks away. That didn't make much sense. I stand up to follow her and see him come around the corner with that stupid bored look on his face. Oh Petra. you tricky son of a-, thanks for making me face him like this. Pretty sure there's make-up streaked down my cheeks. There's no hiding it. He can definitely tell I'd been crying. Please let there be a hole to magically appear so I can crawl in it.
"I'm sorry, ok." I can't even look at him. Just keep staring at this terribly maroon carpet. "It was clearly an accident. Not like you did it on purpose." Awesome detective work, genius.
"No. Look, I- sorry. Uh never mind. " I turn away to go back outside but stop when he talks again.
"You know you don't have to keep apologizing. Unless you're aware of how weird you are, then yes, keep saying sorry."
"Petra told me you were looking for me today. Which I thought was odd considering you told me to stay away from you."
"I never said-" Well this extra little awkward moment is brought to you by Eren. Thanks a lot other half. Why are you such a jerk? Why am I stuck having you as another personality? "About that. It wasn't me who said that. I've been gone for five days." Looking at him now I watch as his face begins to twist into confusion. Better than boredom I guess. "I really am sorry for whatever he said to you. He likes to make things difficult for me. I swear he does it for his own amusement." I've officially created a confusion pit and tossed this guy in.
"Are you like twins or something?" Before I can begin to answer he says, "You know what? I don't care. See you around or whatever." He goes to leave and I involuntarily grab his wrist to stop him.
"I did want to see you. To explain myself . . . my actions. The other day, I shouldn't have" This has to be the worst set up for me to explain anything. "came onto you like that. Especially after you so clearly, yeah."
"Stop saying you're sorry. I get it." Who gets mad when you apologize? Was I really saying sorry too much? And oh my gosh I'm holding onto him still. I release my grip like our skin on skin contact was burning me. Dammit, here comes that all too familiar hotness of reddened cheeks. Now I can't stop thinking about it so my entire face is probably beet red.
"Sor- um ok. So like, maybe we could start over?"
"Yeah. Maybe." And there he goes. Not stopping him this time. Ugh somebody shoot me, like for real. I swear this guy was born just to make me feel stupid. Like it was his damn super power. Did everyone turn into a hot mess around him or was it really just me? I swear I'd be a bumbling idiot around him no matter what life we'd meet in.
Accidentally snuck a movie line in there.
Chapter 4: Five Days
Anything that a character may deem as stupid is not my personal opinion. I am just trying to keep rolling with these personalities and a shallow one is difficult for me to write at times.
One thing that was a constant in my life was the snooze button on my alarm. I loved that thing. What I didn't love was fumbling around trying to find the damn thing. The fact that I even had to open my eyes to recover it was ruining my morning already. And it wasn't even my phone that was alarming. This fucking stupid tablet that was overly bright and making my vision blur with tears. After hitting snooze, a window popped up that said "Watch, please." with a stupid ass heart emoji. Seriously, Erin, you're annoying me thirty seconds into my day? I hit play. The first thing I see isn't as terrible a sight as I was used to. There sat Erin, actually looking normal for once. Aside from the voice, which she seemed to be attempting to tone down, I could almost believe (hope) that she realized she was really a guy.
"Did you really need five whole days!?" Off to a great start. " I mean, how unfair. I don't know how you did it but since you can do it then I'm sure i can, too." Mmm nope. "I'll figure how to." She's talking irritatingly fast and I think this is her being nice or what she thinks is nice. "It's kind of freaky waking up and finding out that you've lost so many days of your life. You can't even imagine what it's like." Yeah, I wouldn't know anything about that. "Seriously, Eren, it's terrible. Oh! That blackout thing at school was so you, wasn't it? Why did you put that guy's hand up my skirt!? Do you think he's cute or something? Are you like gay now? Because technically you wouldn't actually be gay considering-"
Well that's enough of that stupid ass shit. Mental note to write "Oops" as a response to her. She loves when I do that. Why should I explain myself to her anyway. Of course I didn't have control over the extra days I was given but I did somehow manage to switch for those few glorious seconds just to embarrass her. Too bad She's fucking dense as hell and didn't interpret my actions as so. Hopefully I scared off her next potential bang.
The prospect of me gaining control over switches was exciting to say the least. The new medication my dad wanted to experiment on me was beginning to take it's intended effect. I can only hope that this desired ability increases and that She doesn't figure it out. It would be problematic if She were to stop taking it, knowing what it was really doing.
Everything my parents, the doctors and therapists did was aimed at getting rid of her. Clearly She doesn't know that. She probably thinks that She'll be able to lock me away again and have the life She wants. The thought alone disgusts me. I try to clear my mind of Her nonsense as I reluctantly get out of bed, foregoing my usual morning jerk off. Deciding that She's destroyed any attempt at it. I drag ass to my bathroom and realize that I don't need to clean my face of makeup for once. I guess she really was trying to be nice. She must've made the video right before bed. My hair is even decent looking. It's messy but not enough to actually brush it.
I don't even change my clothes, staying in what Erin deemed to be pajamas, and make my way downstairs with my messenger bag slung across my chest. Mom watches as I grab a pancake, slather jelly on it, and make my way for the door.
"You're ready early." She observes.
"Yeah, I woke up ready." I muffle out around the fluffy breakfast item hanging from my mouth.
"Manners, Eren." She scolds me lightly while tugging on my ear. I hate when she does that but it warrants a giggle from my youngest sister, Evi, so I don't complain. "Why don't you wait a bit and I'll drive you in."
"Nah. I'm just gonna walk and have Armin pick me up on the way."
"All right." She kisses me on the cheek then motions for me to do the same.
"C'mon mom." I'm too old for this shit.
"Oh what, my little boy thinks he's too old to show his mama some love?" Yes. Now stop hearing my thoughts, woman. I groan in response and purposely leave jelly behind when I return a kiss to her cheek. She swats at me but misses because I'm a fucking ninja. Evi is giggling again so I dip my finger into the syrup on her plate and bop her on the nose with it. Her pleased reaction at the attention is diverted when Elliot, our thirteen year old sister, scoffs and roles her eyes.
"Don't be a bitch, Ell."
"Eren!" Oops, I didn't say that quiet enough.
"Love you mom. Bye." I give her another quick kiss to the cheek and get out the door before I can get reprimanded.
The walk to school, before Armin found and picked me up, was kind of nice. Too bad I didn't notice until we got to school that I wasn't wearing any boxers. Fuck. Armin goes inside while I fiddle around in the car securing the hole in the front of my pjs with safety pins. To passerby it probably looks like I was diddling my dingy. Not the worst thing people could think I'm doing when I look like a fucking drag queen every other day.
With the hole crisis taken care of, I go about my day. Which is like most aside from this guy (yes, that guy that Erin tried and failed to charm) eye fucking me in my last class. What are you, Edward Cullen? (I loathe that I can even make this reference.). Thinking you can stare at me like you're constipated and I'll find you mysterious and intimidating? I don't know what you're going for here guy. Ah fuck, I hope this dude doesn't turn out to like dick because I voluntarily gave him a handful of mine last week. My spur of the moment plan to humiliate Erin better not backfire.
* * *
"Oops." That's it? That's the explanation I get after all the effort i put into being nice to Him. Would it kill Him to be decent to me just once? Maybe i should teach him a thing or two. I'll ruin his day. Take his saved up money from his job that He thinks he has well hidden from me. I don't even know why he has a job. Like money is so hard to get. All he has to do is ask mom. He's so stupid sometimes. Wait scratch that. He's stupid all the time. And now he's gonna pay. I poured my heart out to Him in that video and He can't even give me a respectful reply? Even worse, He probably didn't even watch the whole thing. Ugh! I call up my friend Petra while I get ready for school to vent and she thinks I should let it go. Screw that. If I don't do anything about this then He'll think he can keep dismissing me like He's the important one here. When everyone knows that it's me who matters more. I'm way more popular, attractive, charming, likable and well, you get the point.
I make up my mind to take more of His money than I actually intend to spend. You know because I need to hide some for myself for a later date. Once he realizes that I've found his stash he'll find a new place to stick it and I'll have to find it all over again. The downside to this money spending plan though is that no one will ditch class to drive me around. Yeah, I don't have a license. I'm not allowed to legally. And it sucks so bad having to depend on everyone to get places. And It's not like I'm going to be out all day. If I didn't have to wait for a freakin bus I could be in school before lunch. But noooo. At least Armin is kind enough to drop me off at a bus stop, I guess. He does almost anything I ask. He wants me so bad that I almost feel bad for him. I could've spared having to deal with Armin's awkward pining if I had asked Mikasa to do it instead. But she always interrogates me when she knows I'm up to something. Does she really have to be friends with Eren, too?
So anyway, I decide to spend some of Eren's money at a salon and I am so totally amped. I've been wanting to get acrylic nails for like ever now. The experience could've been better though. The lady I got stuck with was so, I don't know. She probably knew I was ditching so I told her my mom dropped me off. She still continued to act weird like I asked her to tattoo my freakin face. I mean c'mon, it's not like other sixteen year old girls don't get this done all the time. This is normal. Every day normal.
I make it to school two hours late but who cares. As long as I show up, show attendance, and gather homework for Eren to deal with everything is fine. Besides, I look so hot right now. It's amazing how something as simple as a manicure can make me feel so much confidence. Goodbye to the ugly nubs you've always cursed me with, Eren and hello to these long, gorgeous nails. There's no way you're getting these things off. Like ever.
Things go pretty great as all my girlfriends compliment me. The best thing about these ladies is that they're my friends and mine only. They never get on me about what Eren thinks or does. (Unlike Mikasa and Armin, who are my true bffs but are also friends with my unlikable other personality. I don't know how they put up with Him.) It's always about me with them and that's the way I like it. The hot topic today was none other than my new crush. This was something that was definitely becoming our number one subject. We all thought he was cute but he was mine. Those were the rules. Whichever of us points out a guy that we want, it makes him off limits to the rest of the group. This rule is very important considering we've had a fallout over boys in the past. This way we save each other the hassle.
Petra joked that the guy's name had to be known before I could rightfully claim him. To which I say screw you, Petra. Since when do I need a guy's name in order to bang him? Since never. And just because of that comment, it is now everyone's job to find out this boy's freakin name. A secondary job though with number one being our song line-up practice. While gossip and giggling about boys is super important, we need to keep our upcoming performance not on the back burner. Especially now, to the groups dismay, that I've decided to switch out our encore. It's not like we don't all know the lyrics already and haven't heard it played on the radio a million times by now. It is kind of a pain in the tushy to make a switch after we have a routine down but it's a good change. A change my mind was screaming for me to do. We only had two weeks before the show but it was gonna be totally worth it.
So I had my mind set on our new routine. There was no way I was going to be sidetracked. Of course I'm a liar. How could I stay focused knowing that my last class of the day was shared with none other than Humanity's Sexiest? I hate being nervously excited and yet dreading something all at the same time. The feeling is terrible but it doesn't stop me from rushing through the halls to get to the classroom early. I'm on a mission. The year was still new so I knew that the teacher was still referencing their seating chart. A perfect opportunity for me to get a peek at the names on it. Why didn't I think of this sooner? I make small talk with the teacher in an attempt to catch a glance at the papers on his desk. And oh my gosh, it's a disaster. How does this guy even find anything in this tornado zone? You know what, F this. Play dumb and act like you forgot where your assigned seat is. Playing dumb is what I'm good at. And it gets the chart handed to me. Spot my name and right in front of my seat is . . . what? Rivaille? What kind of a fu- what the heck kind of name is that!? How do you even say that? Oh my gosh this is so dumb. Who even names their kid that? His parents must've been high to think that was a good name. Curse them for making this more difficult than it already was. Well, I could spend the class trying to get the teacher to call on him.
"Let me see this." I'm suddenly snapped out of my internal struggle when the teacher takes the chart back. "Would you mind switching places with Bertholdt? The kid looks like he's going to sweat to death if he's not under the A/C." Um, like ew.
"Uh sure. The cold air kinda got to me-" Or wait, no!
"Ehehe. No problem." Oh my gosh no, I cannot handle sitting next to . . . Ravioli. Ugh, I just seen his name and I can't even remember how it's spelt. You know, I was completely happy sitting behind him and swooning over the back of his head. Now we're side by side and I'm pretty sure I'm having some kind of an attack. My heart is beating so fast and these butterflies in my stomach are flapping their wings so freakin' hard I'm gonna puke. Hopefully he can't tell how much of a breakdown I'm having here. Play it cool, Erin. Boys don't make you feel this way, ever. You make boys feel this way. Boys become fumbling idiots over you. You are the one in control. This guy wants me, I know it. He's just playing hard to get, right? That's totally fine. I like a challenge. Actually, I hate challenges. I prefer things to fall into my lap when I demand them to. Which is usually what happens so I don't know why this guy isn't following the obvious rules of the universe. Whatever. I'm so not gonna try to do anything. He'll come to me because I am Erin Jaeger and I don't do desperate. I don't beg. I don't- ah who am I kidding. I need this boy in my panties like last week.
"Hi." Who would have ever thought the word 'hi' could make you want to disappear? He can probably hear my heart with how hard it's racing. And he doesn't even respond. Is side eyeing me his way of acknowledging me? Well at least I have his attention, I think. "About the other day. I'm really-" Oh my gosh, don't say sorry. Don't say it. He hates that. "Uh- um I feel bad."
"Don't." Don't what? Feel bad? Look at you? Talk to you? Calm down, Erin. You're overthinking this. Why am I laughing all awkward?
"I forgot my contacts that day so I didn't see you."
"Unless your contacts allow you to see through walls I don't think it would've made much of a difference."
"Eh heh, yeah." Why am I beginning to blush!? Oh my gosh quick, pretend there's something interesting to look at outside.
"Just forget about it. I was being a dick." Is that an apology? I can't help it when I turn back to look at him and- oh no, he's looking at me. His face is so close. "Why do you wear colored contacts?" What?
"Your eyes are two different colors. Why hide it?" Oh my gosh, he noticed my heterochromia. He knows I'm a freak. He'll never want to hook up with me now.
"Because it's stupid . . . and hideous." And how does he respond to my obvious fishing for a compliment? (It really is ugly.) With a 'hm' as he turns his gaze to the notebook in front of him. Thanks for pointing out one of my huge insecurities and leaving me self-conscious, jerk. And that's how our first non-confrontational conversation ends. It was as horribly awkward as the previous ones. I try to take my mind off of my failed attempt at talking to this guy by doodling on the paper in front of me. I sit there for half of the class with my cheek in my left hand, staring mindlessly ahead. Trying my hardest to keep the boy next to me out of my thoughts. It's a difficult task but I manage until he speaks when the teacher takes a break in the lesson.
"Don't worry about it." Ummmm
"Your eyes. They're fine. You shouldn't get hung up on your appearance."
"My appearance is important to me soooo-" Wait, he just said I'm fine. No, he said my eyes were fine. Like fine, fine? Like he thinks they're attractive?
"Ok." Please don't tell me that's it. Say something else. Or don't because that's cool, too. Not. The teacher is continuing the lesson and I can't help but sigh in frustration. Which doesn't go unnoticed.
"Do my teaching methods bore you, Erin?"
"Uh what? No. Not at all. Please continue." Cue the innocent smile.
"Well then please take notes. I don't grade based on doodles and flirting." Holy freakin' rude. I can't even reply because I'm so stunned. People are staring at me and snickering. I'm beginning to turn red, again. I officially hate this teacher. This class can't end soon enough.
Chapter 5: Consequences
My attempt to make Eren mad backfired.
Wonderful. Thanks for leaving me this atrocity to deal with. I debate with myself on leaving Erin a message for this bullshit. She's done a grand job of irritating me with this one. More so than usual. I know I don't have time to jot anything down though as I've managed to get only one of these horrid nails off and I had to do it with my teeth. Yes, it sucked. And how the fuck did she get the money for this? I go downstairs to seek out my mother for advice and maybe an answer. Like any other morning, she's in the kitchen making breakfast.
"Did you know about this?" I ask while throwing up one of my hands for her to see. The exasperated look on her face says "No".
"Of course not, Eren. Why would I?" Why do I even ask? I knew mom would know nothing of it which means that Erin most likely stole my money, again.
"I don't know." I sigh dejectedly. "How do I get them off?"
"I could bring you to a salon and-" Yeah, she's getting the look for that suggestion. Like hell I'm going to a fucking salon. That's what got me in this mess to begin with I'm sure. "Or not. Try acetone."
That sounds familiar." What is it?"
"Nail polish remover. You'll have to let it soak for a bit but I don't want you gnawing those things off. You'll probably chip a tooth. Use pliers or something."
"Or I could make Elliot chew them off." I offer as I audibly snap the rows of my teeth together.
"Ugh, gross Eren. I'm eating!" Seeing the disgusted look on my little sister's face, while my baby sister laughs at my gesture, makes me feel slightly better. I love tormenting Elliot because she annoys the shit out of me but I really don't have time for that either at the moment.
Because as per usual, I've gotten out of bed at the absolute last minute so I rush around trying to do everything before we need to leave in five minutes. Yeah, this acetone soaking thing is gonna take at least that amount of time. Is this acrylic stuff supposed to disintegrate or soften? I'm guessing soften since mom suggested getting this shit off with a pliers. I have all the necessary tools and am sitting at my desk working at it when my obnoxious sister decides to make her presence known.
"We're leaving. Mom said she'll come back for you."
"Hang on, I'm almost done." Not even close actually.
"I'm sure. See ya at school." She takes off before I can reply again but reappears a few seconds later. "By the way, you look like a dirty whore."
"Get the fuck out!" I pick up the nearest object, a stapler, and chuck it at her. I pray it hits her and yes, I'm thoroughly disappointed when it doesn't. I can hear her giggling on her way down the hallway as I get up to slam my door shut. I get back to the task at hand, no pun intended, and eventually I get the shit off. Not before my mom gets back though. She helps me by gently wiping the smeared makeup from my face as I finally finish clearing up my right hand. Now I just need a shower to get this awful amount of product out of my hair and this shitty smelling perfume off my body. Mornings like this irritate me a fuck ton. I hate dealing with anything that has to do with Erin and I hate being late for school. Especially since she doesn't give a fuck about our academic future, which in turn makes me have to work harder for it. At least mom is kind enough to write me a note stating "personal matters" to excuse my being tardy. It's nice that she always leaves it at that and doesn't go into detail about why I'm really ever late. I really appreciate her and her efforts. I have a feeling Erin doesn't care about mom's efforts. Being so self-centered would make anyone blind to the kindness of others I suppose.
I spend the day in kind of a daze. My only focus being on the left over build up on my nails. No matter how much I try, I just can't concentrate on anything. I still make it a point to gather up any work due that Erin ignored. Hopefully I'll be out of this dreadful mood later and be able to pile through this increasing stack of homework. I get settled into my last class with no real change from the rest of the day. What could make me feel more 'eh' than I already do? Berthold telling me our seats were reassigned, that's what. Where the fuck am I suppose to sit and why the fuck does it look like everyone is in the same damn spot they were originally assigned? Berthold answers that by telling me my new place is next to Levi. Who the fuck is Levi? Don't tell me it's Mr. I Like To Eye Fuck You who is now, in fact, eye fucking me. Berthold confirms this by nervously pointing at said person. Great, now this 'Levi' has the opportunity to stare more subtly at me. I sigh heavily, pick up my stuff and plop down in my new chair. I spend the next hour with my cheek in the palm of my left hand while I pick at the nails on my right with my thumb. I don't realize I'm clicking my nails against each other until Levi makes a comment about the sound aggravating him. To which I respond by looking at him and doing it again. This guy plans on banging Erin, I just know it. So I'm gonna make him hate me. Having to go to the same school as a lot of the guys that have slept with her is intolerable. I am not gonna spend the next how many months sitting right next to one.
* * *
Get up at five, go for a run. Of course I run everyday because I can't be fat, duh. Then take an extremely hot shower. If I don't look like a lobster by the time I'm done then the water wasn't hot enough. Next is hair prep followed by makeup. It's a shame to see that my beautiful manicure has been undone but that was expected. Oh well. Get my skirt on and on cue, Elliot arrives to help me with my corset. Honestly, the thing is a bit uncomfortable but no matter how much I exercise I just can't get those nice curves that I'm so desperate to have. My sister remains in my room for me to do her hair and to beg me for one of my outfits to wear. Some days I let her. She's just so cute and I don't mind her being my mini-me. Well except all the extra activities I do with boys. She definitely doesn't need to follow in my footsteps there. I hope she doesn't at least. I head downstairs for breakfast and I am in such a good mood. Nothing will ruin it.
"Good morning, mommy." I say as I give her a kiss on the cheek. I take plates down from the cupboard and lay them out for mom to portion those yummy looking scrambled eggs on to while I make some toast for everyone. "Is daddy gone already?" She hums in answer and I shouldn't feel disappointed but I do. He's usually gone before everyone gets up. I sometimes catch him for a few minutes before he leaves when I go out to run. He was still here when I got back so I had had my hopes up of being able to have breakfast as a family for once. Oh well. I bring the plates to the table and kiss my adorable baby sister on the forehead. Ooh, there's that cute little smile that I love so much. Evi is the most perfect tiny little sister anyone could ask for. It must be nice for my parents that all their children get along. Most of the time anyway. By the time Elliot sits at the table to joins us, I'm already through eating and going back to my room to style my now dry hair. A task I'm almost done with when I hear my bedroom door close. Seconds after, mom appears in my bathroom's entryway. Oh gosh, here comes a talk. I can tell by the look on her face.
"When did you find the time to go to a salon the other day?" Don't say anything. Play dumb. "And where'd you get the money for it?" Do I have to answer?
"I just had some cash laying around." I reply casually as I keep my eyes on the mirror and continue sticking bobby pins in my hair.
"Laying around as in you found Eren's money?" I'm gonna answer that with silence. "You know he works hard for that money and that it's not yours to take." And here, have a shrug of my shoulders because I don't actually know how hard he works and I don't care. "When did you go?"
"After school. I went with Petra." Stay calm. I'm a good liar.
"Don't lie to me." Oh geez, c'mon! How does this woman always know!?
"Ask Petra since you obviously have no faith in me." I play the victim card so well.
"Erin, you're only making your impending punishment worse." Ok, I guess I don't play victim card that well. Fine. Whatever, I'll admit defeat.
"I took a bus after you dropped me off. I went right to school after though. I swear." That makes it sound better, right?
"I'll discuss with your father what the extent of your punishment should be. Expect to be grounded for at least a week." Ugh. I give her the typical teenager eye roll. How lame. Being grounded sucks. I don't argue though. I know that makes it worse. "I'll be in the car waiting."
Instead of dropping me off in front of the school like any other day, mom parks the car in the school's lot. After she sends Elliot off with a kind goodbye she orders Evi and I to follow her. I have a feeling I'm not going to like what she has planned. We stop in the front office and mom demands to the woman at the front desk to see the principal. He's not in his office, which I know, because he's always in the hallways before classes start. Thank goodness. Maybe she'll give up since Mr. Smith isn't in here. Or not . . .
"Well then maybe you can tell me why I wasn't notified of my child's absence from school." She sounds so mad. I can tell she's about to snap. Oh my gosh, I hope no one else walks in and hears this.
"I don't deal with attendance Mrs.-" The secretary pauses and looks at me then back to my mom. Like it just dawns on her that this spaz is my mother. "Jaeger? If you'd like to wait-"
"No, I wouldn't like to wait. I would like an explanation right now as to why you people are failing to do your jobs." The woman at the desk is clearly becoming uncomfortable. Like mom is annoying her but at the same time she doesn't know how to handle the situation. Which is making mom even more angry. The woman fumbles with her phone and pages Mr. Smith to the front office. Ugh, great. I'm suddenly very interested in going to class for once. Mom's not having it though. She's set on making me go through this with her. While I'm always thrilled for any excuse to see my gorgeous principal, having to do it with my mom at my side is not favorable. And oh gosh, here he comes. He's looking so extra hot today. If I were a boy I'd probably be hard right now. Good thing I don't have a penis because that would make this meeting a heck of a lot more awkward. When he walks in, the secretary glances at my mom and nods her head.
"Hello. Mrs. Jaeger I presume?" Mr. Smith asks while flashing the kindest smile and holding out his hand. "Pleasure to meet you. I'm Erwin Smith, the principal here." Geez, shake the man's freakin' hand mom.
"How unfortunate." Is the rude introduction my mother gives while looking at this man's hand with disgust. Ugh, you're killin' me here, mom. Don't leave this gorgeous man hanging. "I'm not here for you to kiss my ass. I wish to discuss my daughter's attendance and your failure to observe it."
"Please Mrs. Jaeger, let's continue this discussion in my office." How is he smiling still? Bless him in all of his gentlemen likeness.
"Why? Don't want people hearing about how you can't do your job?" Wow, she really likes using that line. If you want to talk about failure, mom, let's talk about your failure to take in this breath taking sight in front of you. Mr. Smith is a fine wine. You drink him in slowly. You savor him, mom. Gawd.
"This is a private matter. The likes of which I would prefer to converse about without an audience. Please, I insist." He says as he motions towards his office. I grab Evi's hand and begin to walk hoping that mom will follow instead of just standing there looking furious. Like she's been doing this whole time. Once I get seated in one of the two chairs on the other side of Mr. Smith's desk, I pull my little sister into my lap. I breathe a sigh of relief to see that mom is taking the spot next to me. And now I'm suddenly nervous and no longer embarrassed. I watch as the principal opens his filing cabinet and begins fingering through alphabetically ordered folders. I easily get caught up in watching those hands, those fingers. Thinking about how they'd feel wrapped around me or trailing down my body. I imagine those fingers-
"Erin!" Huh, what? My mother's scolding tone pulls me back to the current situation. Everyone's staring at me. I hope I don't have that glossy eyed 'I was just fantasizing' look about me.
"Explain this." She demands. I see that she's holding out a piece of paper and I take it. No need for me to do more than glance at it as I already know what it is. I hand it over to Mr. Smith and he places it, where I'm guessing it was to begin with, in an off white folder with my name on it. I wonder if Eren has his own folder or if we share the same one. I'd really like to go through his files. It'd be great to find something on him that mom might not know about. Ok, think of blackmail possibilities later because right now mom is scowling at me so hard. It's making me feel like a beat dog.
"I . . .eh heh." Nervous laugh followed by a cutesy smile that is not helping my case any.
"First you go to a salon and do something you know is not permitted. Then not only did you do it during school hours but you forged a note to excuse yourself!? A note claiming to have been written by me. Do you know how stupid you've made me look?" I want to speak but nothing comes out so I just sit here with my mouth hanging open like an idiot instead. "Did you stop to think for even a second how your actions would affect myself or Mr. Smith? I've reprimanded people like a fool because I'm unaware of what my own child has been doing." Oh please stop. Not in front of this attractive man. This is killing me. "Well? What do you have to say for yourself?" Uhhmm. At least her look of fury appears to be changing to disappointment. Although, I don't know if that's any better.
"Well . . ." Say something. Make it good you dummy or else this is going to get worse. "Eren, he-"
"Oh don't give me that. I'm tired of you blaming everything on him when we all know that neither one of you has control over what the other does. Try again." Well one of us can't control the other anyway.
I've got nothing though. Is there a cricket in here? I'm pretty sure I hear one chirping through this disgusting silence.
"That's what I thought. I want your phone and your tablet."
"Hand them over." She demands while holding out her hand.
"I can. Now hand them over and get to class." I sit there staring at her in disbelief. These devices are my social lifeline and she thinks she can just take them away? I don't think so. "If you want to act like a spoiled child, Erin, I can continue taking other privileges away." Oh my gosh, shut up. I'm getting so freaking angry I can barely stand it. "Do you even feel remorse for what you've done?" Remorse? What the heck is that? I don't even know what that means.
"No . . . ?" That must've been the wrong answer judging by the fire in her eyes. Whatever, I don't care. I begin digging around in my purse for the items she demanded. I'm clearly not winning this fight.
""No"?" Oh my gosh, why is she laughing? That can't be good. ""No"? How can I make you reflect on what you've done if you don't even feel guilt?" I never said- Oh, is that what remorse means? Shoot.
"Mom, I-" Didn't understand your question so I answered it wrong. Is what I want to say but I don't want to look stupid on top of everything else because Mr. McDreamy is still right there. Right there hanging back silently. Not saying anything. Maybe he's judging us or maybe he's judging only me. All the while mom is waiting for me to finish speaking.
"What is something you really care about? You seem really passionate about that singing thing you have coming up here." Oh gosh, no. My hands stop in their search through my purse as I try to keep a straight face and not the look of horror I'm sure I'm sporting right now. "I believe taking that away may make you begin to feel some remorse."
"Mom please no. I'm sorry." Great. Not only am I really angry but I, too, am now disappointed, upset, sad. My eyes are starting to feel wet. Ugh, don't cry in front of Mr. Smith.
"But I've- my friends. We've been working so hard. They won't be able to do it without me."
"Well they'll have to try now won't they." She holds her hand back out to me and says "I still want the devices as well." In a fit of rage I slam my most favored belongings down on the desk. Frick, I hope I didn't break them.
"Happy now!?" I reply angrily, my voice uncontrollably rising. I can hear it start to crack and I know I'm about to lose it.
I'm tearing up from being so terribly disappointed and mad. I need to get out of here before I completely break down. The second I make it through the door and close it, I am freaking bawling my eyes out. Too bad I still need to walk through the main office to get to what I'm hoping is an empty hallway. I rush by anyone that may be in there, keeping my head down as I continue crying like a little girl. When I turn the last corner to the doors leading to my freedom, I run into something, er someone. Maybe I should've held my head up a bit higher to avoid this. I'm about to apologize but get cut off due to my own surprise. Of course I had to run into none other than the hot new guy, again. The universe didn't think I felt dumb enough. At least this time we're still standing. So there's that, I guess. For a second though, our eyes meet and it makes my stomach do that stupid thing where I feel excited and nervous and like I'm gonna puke. I feel good being near him but at this exact moment it just makes me all the more upset. I quickly turn away from that gorgeous face and take off in search of the nearest restroom so that I can at least hide my shame.
When I do spot one, I push the door open so hard it hits the wall. I don't even bother looking in the mirrors as I stomp past them. Seeing my makeup ruined and that I probably look like a cheap hooker will just add to the wide range of emotions that I'm already feeling. I go into the last stall and slam the door shut. And being the idiot that I am, I let the freaking door hit me in the face when it bounces back from the force. This is where I completely lose it. I am done. I have no control over my body as my back touches the wall and I slide down to the floor sobbing. Like, good job mom. Not only did you make me look like a complete nitwit in front of a man I could only dream of bedding, but to have my crush, who I'm actively trying to bang, see me like this!? I really hate my mom sometimes. Like, a lot. But is this really her fault? Part of me thinks that I'm being over dramatic, to pull it together, but then another part is telling me how much of a failure I am. How everything is my fault. I am here crying on this floor because of the choices that I made. Choices that not only hurt me but my friends as well. I'm just one huge disappointment after another. I can't do anything right. I'm uncontrollably having one negative thought after another. Each one making me cry harder than the one before it. While Mikasa is always the one to fix me when I get like this, she's not here to save me this time. The sound of the door opening shuts me up right quick though. I can hear it's Hitch with her stupid little gang of bimbos. Great. That's exactly what I need, these group of B-words finding me like this. As if they needed any more reason to make fun of me.
While waiting for them to leave I calm down a bit. I decide that no, what happened wasn't my fault. Why would it be? Eren is so clearly to blame. Isn't he always? I don't know why I didn't realize it sooner. Could've spared myself the mental pain and time. More importantly though, I could've spared my near perfect makeup application for today. Touch ups never look as good as the original. Once again, thanks mom. Hope you feel good about your daughter crying alone on a nasty restroom floor. Well, time to put a smile on and face the day like nothing is wrong.
At the end of the day, as threatened, mom is waiting out front to pick me up. Two thirty-five was the time I was given to be out of the building and into the car or else I'd get more things tacked onto my punishment. That gave me five minutes of running through the school to make it to my locker and then outside. Why does this place have to be so big and why are my classes so far apart? Anyway, on the way home mom went on about having a sit down with dad when he got home to go over what was going to happen to me. As if sitting next to her and listening to her weren't punishment enough. When we got home she didn't even let me go to my room. Instead, I was forced to do all the crappy chores I always leave for Eren. Afterwards she made me sit at the kitchen table and do homework. I hope this was all the trouble I was gonna go though. Doing this stuff was pure torture. When I finished the work she wouldn't let me go. She made me read a dictionary because I "needed to expand my words" or something like that. Who does that anyway? It's like she's calling me dumb. She even took my pencils away when she noticed I had begun to doodle out of pure boredom. You know, at first I dreaded my dad coming home and having to tell him what I had done but oh my gosh, I couldn't wait any longer. I just wanted this to be done with so I could go to my room already and further torture myself with my thoughts. Like the thought of how terribly uncomfortable my last class had been. Having my seat changed was a blessing and a curse. Today was the curse part though. I could see Rivale, no, Rivail- you know what, I'm not even gonna try to spell it-the freaking hot guy. I could see how he kept looking at me like he wanted to say something and it's like ok, yeah you seen me all teary eyed, please don't bring it up. Pretend it never happened. He ended up not talking to me and for once I was happy about that.
Dad wasn't home yet so mom made me help her start dinner. Dad came home just as we were finishing up so we all sat down to eat first. It was seven o'clock and I had yet to see my room. I never thought I'd miss it so much. I kept trying to signal Elliot to hurry the heck up and eat. She wouldn't stop stalking. Like oh my gosh shut up already. A kick to her shin definitely got her attention. She excused herself after shoveling down her food. Grabbing their dishes to put in the sink, my sisters went to their rooms. Not really though. You know their butts were hiding around the corner being nosy. At least Elliot would hear the final say for my punishment now and I wouldn't need to repeat it to her later when I complain to her about it. Mom and dad came to the agreement that I was to be grounded for a month. Lame but expected. I was allowed to have the girls over for one hour everyday to practice our routine for the upcoming show. I honestly don't know what made mom change her mind on that one but I'm glad for it. I got my phone back right away for "emergency reasons only". If I got caught actually using the thing for what it was made for, it'd get taken away and replaced with a basic non smart phone model. Like ew. They threatened me with a Nokia. I don't even know what that is.
Chapter 6: Showtime
How can a day start on such a high note then end on a terribly low one?
After my husband deleted my final edit of this chapter and almost two months with out a computer, I am finally posting this damn update. I died from second-hand embarrassment while writing this. Imagine how angsty the next chapter is going to be after this. I can't wait. And yes, it'll definitely be an Eren chapter.
Yes mom, I totally hear you yelling for me from all the way downstairs and I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear you. Mainly because you took my freaking door off it’s hinges and hid it somewhere in this oversized house. Besides, super busy here lying in bed watching The Fault in Our Stars and so not crying. Like, it’d be terrible to be in that girl’s shoes. Aside from them being hideous of course. Can you imagine living like that? Knowing you’re dying but not knowing when it’s going to happen? Ok so yeah, that’s basically life itself but being sick and-
“You better have a good reason for not answering me.” HOLY CRAP MOM. I probably look like a surprised cat with the way she just made me jump. Could she be any sneakier? I didn’t even hear her come up the stairs.
“I’m sorry mommy, I didn’t hear you. What’s up?”
“And why’s that, because your tv is turned up so damn loud?” It’s not. I think that was sarcasm. Not that it matters because I don’t even get a chance to answer as she walks across my room and speaks again. “Clearly it was a mistake not taking this from you as well.” Wait, what is she doing? I sit up in bed to see and she’s taking my satellite box!
“Mom, please! I’m sorry. Really, I didn’t hear you.” Ugh, I never beg but I am now. She’s stripping me of my last shred of sanity.
“The audacity,” The what? “You think you can manipulate me? I’m getting tired of you lying so much lately.” She looks like she’s trying really hard not to just rip the cords from the box. “It’s funny that you think you can feign innocence. When are you going to learn that no matter how straight faced you are I will always know when you’ve got something to hide?” When are you gonna learn that I don’t understand fancy words? Like, I think I got the gist of it but still. “This isn’t even what I came up here for. Get your butt in the kitchen now.”
“Ok? I cleaned it. Is it not good enough?”
“Go.” Yeah, yeah. I’m getting up. Because I wasn’t comfortable or anything. And of course she follows close behind me with my precious satellite box in her hands. I’m half expecting she’s going to set it on the table and make me watch her smash it. That fear disappears though when I walk into the kitchen. Like holy crap. There is soapy foam everywhere. Everywhere.
“What did I tell you to use for the dishwasher?”
“I did use it but the dishes were super dirty so-” I squirted like half the bottle of that blue Dawn dish soap all over everything once I crammed it all in there. I’m gonna be honest, I’m super lazy when it comes to things I don’t like doing.
“So you didn’t rinse them first like you were told?”
“I . . . “ Inserted foot into mouth there.
“And can you not load it like a sane person? You can’t just throw everything in all willy nilly!” Don’t laugh and definitely do not make a sassy comment-
“Well technically I’m not sane.” Did she forget I have a split personality? I think so.
“Do not smart mouth me, child. That is the last thing you want to do right now.” Shrink back in fear. She’s giving me that ‘I’m so angry it’s bordering psychotic’ look. She’s gritting her teeth. She’s like two seconds from having a meltdown.
I mumble out a sorry and grab one of the dirty plates to start scooping the bubbles into the sink. This is gonna take me forever. I don’t dare complain about it. Not even an annoyed huff. Ok maybe a little when she tells me to mop the floor after and then hand wash the dishes. I shy away from her stare because it’s a silent “I dare you to argue.”
While I’m stuck cleaning this why don’t I tell you about the lame week I’ve been having. Like, as if being grounded didn't suck enough. Mom’s been overworking me like crazy. All this added punishment is making it much worse. She's been making annoying comments all week about me learning a lesson. Am I learning one? No but I have to make it seem that way. I mean, I’m just gonna do it again anyway. And why am I the only one in trouble? The only reason I did what I did was because Eren kind of made me. Let's be real here. If he weren’t so rude we both could’ve been saved from so much trouble. Seriously, if he didn’t make it a point to make me mad then I wouldn’t make it a point to take his money and spend it on things he hates. Common sense.
Anyway, one of my many punishments is doing yard work for the neighbors. Every day after school, mom sends me to whoevers house. I have to get everything done fast or else it cuts into my time to rehearse for our show that’s coming up. I don’t know why mom changed her mind on that. She was so mad. Well she’s mad a lot but she was really set on not letting me perform for this thing. Anyway, back to my punishments. I have to do yard work until I make a hundred dollars because that’s how much Eren said I took from him. I don’t know why mom always believes him over me. I did take that much but still. The point is this is b.s. My hands got all blistery and sore within the first ten minutes of having to rake. Ok, so they took longer to actually blister but I’m not made for manual labor. And I’m not being overly dramatic. It is so terrible raking leaves. I don’t know what I hate more, raking or mowing lawns. I don’t even know how to mow lawns! I swear everyone is laughing at how terrible their grass looks after I’m done with it. Why!? They're all rich people. Aren’t they supposed to want a perfect yard? Why doesn’t this make them angry instead? Maybe they’re laughing because they’re not actually paying me. Ugh. That better not be the case. I’d like to be done with this yard working crap before I die. And to top it off, mom made me use the push mower that’s been buried in the back of the shed. She even made me pull it out of there. Cobwebs and spiders everywhere. It was scary. Yes, there was a whole lot of me flailing around and running out of there just to get brave enough to go back into that spider house. It took me forever to get the freakin’ thing out of there.
So moral of the story is: my hands hurt from gripping a stupid rake all week and having to use an old push mower made my hands itchy as heck from all the vibration. And I swear these yards are like like ten acres. I don’t know how big that is exactly but I’m pretty sure it’s how big these yards are. I’m not even to the worst part yet! These people actually expect me to pick up the dog crap in their yards! Like wtf, no. That is disgusting. It’s bad enough mom makes me do it at home. Our dog is the most adorable and smart German Shepherd ever but if he didn’t poop he’d be perfect. And it’s impossible to not pick it up at home because mom watches me when I do most of my chores now. Like she gets some kind of pleasure from my suffering. I’m out there gagging so hard my stomach hurts and my mom has just got the biggest smile on her face. How is that amusing you jerk!? These tasks are beneath me. Especially this one. We’re rich. We’re supposed to pay people to do this for us. Rich people aren’t supposed to have to actually do any work. No idea why my mom doesn’t hire people. It’s their job. They’re happy to do it because they’d be getting paid. Instead, she chooses to be a slave driver. Like, what does she do all day that she can’t do all this on her own? Children shouldn’t be made to do these things if there is an able bodied person just sitting home everyday doing nothing. Besides, I’m too busy mowing lawns and stepping in dog crap to do anything at home. I don’t know what would have been worse, being seen picking up crap or the fact that I was definitely seen stepping in it. Disgustingly warm dog crap mashed between my perfectly manicured toes. I was wearing my good sandals, too. Well, everything I wear is good but these shoes are one of my favorite pair. The hot pink ones with the wedged cork heels. And now they’re garbage because I refuse to clean ‘em and won’t wear them anyway knowing where they’ve been. I would chop off my own foot if my body would grow back a new one. I tried to fight back the tears of disgust and anger when it happened. Somehow the blades of the mower missed that gross pile. I shut the stupid thing off and left it after that. Stomped off like the spaz I am. Mom went and got the mower. I did not get to have the girls over that day to rehearse. No big deal. I was busy scraping the dirtied skin off my foot.
That lady better have forked up some extra cash. Like a tip or something. Even if I didn’t finish her yard. Not that I'd know. Mom doesn’t tell me if they pay up or not. Probably thinks I’ll TP the houses that don’t or pay too little. She’s right. I am that childish. That and it’s fun to do. I’m sure I’m working harder than Eren actually had to to get the money to begin with. Maybe I might have learned a little lesson here. I do not want to do this stuff again. That’s for sure. This is the b.s. I have to do everyday. Then rush around doing chores at home. Take a quick shower because I’m sweaty and gross. Hopefully squeeze in more than thirty minutes with my girls because I have to help mom start dinner at six. Then have to stay at the table until everyone's done eating to load the dishwasher. And that brings us back to the present moment. Except I’m done cleaning the kitchen and back in my room. I have to do homework before I pass out. And I swear if I don’t wake up tomorrow, well my tomorrow, I’ll find a way to lock Eren away forever. His personality will no longer exist. Tomorrow is super important and I even sat and stared at a calendar forever just to make sure that this one day would land on my day and not his. He better not pull any of that switching bs again.
The alarm is buzzing and it's never been so welcome.Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I think I heard that somewhere once and I'm guessing it's used to describe days like these. A day I’ve been waiting for, for like, ever. Been dying from waiting and-
“You were unconscious for five days again.” I open my eyes to see my sister standing in my doorway.
“”What!?” I’ve never jumped out of bed so fast.
“Kidding.” Elliot says in a sing song voice.
“Elliot! Get out!” One of my many pillows meets her face and she takes off in a fit of giggles.
Lighting up my phone shows that the date is in fact the one I’m looking for. Today is not a day to mess with me. I am wrecked. I’ve never been so nervous in my life but I’m super excited at the same time. I try not to let the fact that I’m waking up late ruin anything. No time for the usual morning run. Makes me cringe thinking about it. Missing one day won’t make you fat . It better not anyway. Thanks a lot, Eren. He probably messed with my alarm. It could have been my fault but I’m still blaming him. Whatever. Time to focus on getting ready. I already have my change of clothes stuffed in the bottom of my bag. There’s no way mom would let me out of the house wearing what’s in there. Like a lot of the things I wear. She’d probably rip it off me and set it on fire. Mom doesn’t understand the importance of the right outfit to match an event. Besides, I’m trying to get a boyfriend out of this.
Speaking of boyfriends. Who would’ve known that all it takes to learn a guy’s name is to kick him while the teacher is talking. Teacher calls him out for disturbing the lesson and bam, we’ve got a name. Levi. Sounds perfect. It'll sound even more perfect when I'm moaning it into his ear later. He may be playing hard to get but let's be real, he's a guy. All he wants is sex and I'm more than happy to give it to him. He didn't look too pleased when i kicked him but he'll look very pleased when I finally get to blow him. For now he gets a cute smile and a ‘sorry’. All is forgiven. Well maybe. He may have looked annoyed but he’ll get over it because for all he knows it was an accident. I shouldn't be thinking about him though. I'm nervous enough as it is. Remembering that I want to ask him to come see me perform later is destroying me. I don't know what it is about this guy that turns me into a shy dork. Like, I’m such a mess around him. Maybe it’s because Eren put Levi’s hand up my skirt the first time I met him. Don’t know why I even let that affect me. He’s far from the first guy to have his hand there. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t in control of the situation. Yeah, we’ll go with that.
So yeah I'm freaking out here. It's nearing the end of the day and it's crazy that i have to work myself up to talk to some stupid boy. Some stupidly sexy boy who is sitting next to me being dreamy as heck. I'd try whispering to him but the last time we had a hushed conversation the teacher made fun of me. Better to wait until he shuts up and leaves the class to do work. When he finally does I won't hesitate. If I don't turn into a stuttering loser I'll call it a success.
And yes! I didn't stutter. Thank all that is good in this world. When asked if he was going to the event after school he only shrugged and said that he'd thought about it. It wasn't a no but then again it wasn't a yes either. I don't even care. I still had to fake boredom and put my hand over my mouth to hide the biggest smile ever. The joy I feel from the chance that he might be seeing me do my thing is stupid. Like, why am i this happy? Even though he didn't really say whether he was going or not. I think I’m in love.
Somehow though, I manage to stay calm all day and during the final moments we spend waiting for our turn. It’s proving to be an even more difficult task when Mikasa spots me from her place in the front row. Eyes looking like they’re going to pop out her head. She’s getting up. Ugh. This is why I made it a point to put this outfit on at the very last minute. I knew she would flip.
“What the fuck are you wearing!?”
“Chill, Mikasa. Geez.”
“Chill!? Your ass is hanging out! Are you even wearing underwear?”
“Uh, yeah.” The look on her face says I'm lying. “Believe me now?” I ask, lifting up the front of my skirt.
“Holy shit. Your- is, ugh.” She stops freaking out for a second as she closes her eyes and takes a breath. “I can’t. I can’t deal with this.”
“Then don’t? You’re supposed to be my friend not my mom.”
“What did I tell you about you perceiving your body differently than it is? Here, at least let me fix this.” She pulls me over to a corner, kinda out of everyone's view. And there she goes cramming her hand in my panties. Why does this not faze me? Should it?
“Seriously, what are you seeing? Are my pubes everywhere or what because I’m pretty sure I did ok trimming ‘em.”
“Fuck, these underwear are tiny. They're not even functional. And what did I tell you about going near your crotch with sharp objects. I’m surprised you didn’t cut the ever living fuck out of yourself. You're sidetracking me. Let’s switch clothes.”
“Um no. Why?”
“Well at the very least we should switch underwear.”
“Wear mine over yours then. I don't care.”
“You can’t wear this. It’s not even covering you properly.”
“Um, duh. That’s the point. My butt looks so good hanging out the bottom of this skirt. I stared at it forever in the mirror last night just to be sure.” Seriously, it looks hot. And what the heck is taking Mikasa so long? “What are you even doing down there still? Never takes you this long to feel me up.” I laugh but the stare she gives me is a silent scream of annoyance.
“I can’t- THERE! I got it. It’s-uh, I mean, you’re covered. I’d rather you not wear this at all though.”
“Well good thing I can make my own decisions then, huh.”
“Could you please trust me on this and do as I request for once?”
“Well I guess,” I pause because the hopeful look on her face is kind of funny. “Not.” She isn't amused. I wouldn't have time to change even if I wanted to anyway.
“Just try not to bounce around too much up there then. Or dance aggressively. You know what, just stand up there with your legs together and don't move.”
“Mmmno. Kinda have to move, Mikasa. It's part of the routine. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to put on.” I'm being waved over to get with my girls so I walk away from Mikasa while she's in the middle of saying something. Sorry bestie, but it's time for me to show off.
As soon as I get back to my group we’re being rushed through the heavy curtain we’d been waiting behind. I try to stall if only for a second and this teacher is not having it. They do not seem to care that I’m suddenly not ready. And oh my gosh there’s the audience, who are quickly blocked out by these blinding lights in my face. My heart is gonna beat right out of my chest. This is all so new and exciting. I've never performed on stage before but having all eyes on me is something I'm used to. This is almost too much though. All of the moments leading up to this are nothing compared to actually experiencing it. I have no problem being an attention whore. I love having people notice me. The big thing messing me up right now is the thought of Levi somewhere out there watching me. I should be worried about the judges. I’m not sure who I want to impress more but I’m thinking it’s Levi. It should be the judges, you know, for future reasons and all. But I could have future reasons with Levi you know. I could totally marry him and have his babies. Ok I’m getting ahead of myself there. I have to get him to actually date me first. Then he’d realize how perfect I am and propose to me after like, a week. This boy will be mine and I’ll do whatever it takes to get him. And when I do get him I’ll just have to lay out some ground rules. Like not letting Eren know that we’re banging. I do not want him punching Levi in his beautiful face. Number one reason I don’t get or keep boyfriends: Eren likes breaking noses. He is a jerk.
Back to the matter at hand: me standing here and possibly looking dumb as I search over the crowd hoping to find Levi. This moment is so big for me and I want him to be here for it. My breath catches when I find him and I forget how to function. He's standing by the doors. The red light of the exit sign pouring down on him to show that blank expression he always has and I think there's never been anything more beautiful in the world. Like, does this guy even realize how gorgeous he is? Ok breathe, Erin. Need to be prepared. Mind far too busy focusing on other things it shouldn’t be, like Levi’s gaze. I think the girls are beginning to harmonize behind me and I’m doing nothing. I’m frozen. I was not expecting this, like, at all. Can’t think of anything but this gorgeous boy staring me down with the most bored look on his face. Like the day I first laid eyes on him. Stop. Close your eyes and
You can do this. Don’t get scared now. Too late for that.
Inhale, exhale. Don't look at Levi. Petra is whispering my name and I open my eyes and see her questioning face. I nod to sign her that I'm gonna pull myself together here any second. The girls continue their lovely harmonizing as they look at me in confusion.
Sing, Erin. Open your mouth and sing
Suddenly and unconsciously sound escapes me. It’s simply muscle memory at this point. Or vocal chord memory, something like that. The words flow without effort. Filling every corner of the auditorium. Like me, there is nothing shy or modest about it. The words are belted loud and cheerfully. I know I've got this when I start bouncing to the rhythm. The songs I've chosen are perfect. I debated on doing a mashup but I love each song individually and couldn’t bring myself to sacrifice any of the lyrics. Because duh, these songs are so me. I turn to Petra as I sing to her every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top then boop her nose. She pretends to be all shy and cute about it. I go back to my original position and sway my hips all sexy like for the crowd, but let’s be real, it’s all for Levi. Petra sings to me boys like a little more booty to hold at night and grabs my butt. To which I put my hand up to my mouth to look innocent. Which we all know I’m certainly far from.
This performance couldn't be any more perfect as I move into the next song, Blank Space. Of course. Why wouldn’t I sing this? A long list of ex-lovers. They’ll tell you I’m insane. Could this song be any more about me? Pretty sure Taylor Swift wrote it for me personally. Anyway, I’m staring Levi down hard. Can’t help it. I chose this song because of him. Wanted to sing it only to him. The words meant for no one else in this room. I’ve definitely got a blank space, baby. And I want no else’s name there but yours. It’s a shame he’s so far away but I'm sure he can still see clearly up my skirt and that's what matters. These panties are leaving very little to the imagination and I want him to see what he could have. After we finish the second song we exit the stage and I couldn't be any more pleased with our performance. Especially mine. I so enjoyed shaking my booty around and giving Levi the sex eyes. If he didn't get my hint before well he definitely should now.
Hopping off stage I’m pretty sure I’m freaking sparkling from all the excitement and joy I'm feeling but it could also just be the glitter spray I put on earlier. Mr. Smith calls me over and dismisses the rest of our group. Petra giving me an excited thumbs up as she bounces away. I watch her go and I’m distracted trying to find Levi in the crowd again. Mr. Smith comments quietly that he’ll need to see me in his office afterwards for my “choice in attire”. I think I'm in trouble? I'll find out in a bit I guess. He then introduces me to a fairly attractive man who looks to be twenty something. The guy introduces himself as being a talent scout and praises me on my voice. Like, holy crap! How lucky is it that this person happened to be at a performance I worked my butt off on extra hard in hopes of getting a boy’s attention. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled about this but I hope he doesn’t notice that I keep looking over his shoulder into the crowd. He regains my attention for a moment, asking where I see myself in the future. If I plan on sticking with music. If I’m familiar with any instruments and some other boring questions that are made interesting only because of his title. And yes, I play instruments. Like the guitar but who doesn’t know how to play guitar? Or piano. They’re super easy. If I can do it I’m sure anyone can. Well Eren can’t or so I’m told. Only because he’s dumb.
I’m trying to keep all my focus on this guy because this is a huge moment for me but it’s completely lost when I manage to find Levi again. Petra approaching him with the biggest smile on her face. Wait. Oh my gosh! Is she putting her arm around him!? She's hugging him! What, are they dating? What the fuck, Petra! I think I said that out loud. Ugh. I never swear and now I’m dropping f-bombs? It was only one but still. My mouth is only dirty when there’s a nice dick in it. I love giving bjs. Ok, I’m getting off topic. The important topic here is how my heart is breaking. How could Petra do this to me? I feel so betrayed. How could I have not seen this? Why didn’t she tell me instead of leading me on to the idea of possibly dating Levi? I shouldn’t be letting this get to me. Especially at this moment. I should only be caring about what this guy in front of me is saying but it’s going in one ear and out the other. All I hear is my heart pounding in my ears. That sounds weird but I swear I’m feeling it. I just want to go home and bury myself into my pillows. I've never been torn down from a high so fast. This is miserable. I can't just leave because everyone wants to talk to me and it's hard for me to even make it out of the auditorium to head to me Mr. Smith's office. But I get there eventually, fighting back tears the whole way.
When I enter Mr. Principal is already sitting behind his desk. Looking all older and sexy like. I wonder if he'd like to be called daddy. Probably. Does this seem like a huge subject change? Because it is. Gonna take in the view of my hot principal in hopes of taking my mind off a backstabbing friend and a boy I suddenly can’t have. So here I am, positioned in this surprisingly comfy chair. Sitting back and spreading my legs. Giving Sir Eyebrows a clear shot up my skirt. He can't help but look and I catch him doing so. Though it's barely noticeable. I bite my lip slightly and and give him a seductive little smile.
“Please what, Erwin?” Please just bend me over your desk. I need it so bad right now. The distraction would be most welcome. Yes, follow my hand with your eyes as I slide it between my thighs.
“Mr. Smith is what you should address me as. I wanted to talk to you about what I believe was a very poor choice in clothing but your inappropriate behavior right now is quickly becoming the main issue. I will only ask you once to compose yourself like a lady. I do not want to take further action than I already had planned.”
“Oh? And what kind of action is that?” I should probably back off. I am laying it on a little thick here but I am hoping to get felt up so-
“The disciplinary kind.” Kinky.
“I like a firm hand.”
“Shall I call your parents in before we continue this meeting?” Ew. Don't call my parents. They don’t need to know about this. Of course I don't act like this around them. They don't even know I'm having sex. So here, let me cross my legs all lady like and we can move on without either of them knowing about this. “I appreciate your cooperation, Erin. Now getting back to why you're here. You want to tell me why you decided to wear something you know isn't permitted at school?”
“Well I put it on after school hours sooo,” Oh, don't you look at me like that. It's true. “Well whatever. Not like it matters anyway. The effort was a waste.”
“Are you trying to garner attention dressing like this? If you think it's needed to impress someone then they're not worth your time.”
“Uh huh.” That's something ugly people usually say.
“I didn't talk your mother into letting you participate in this event today-”
“Wait, you changed her mind?” He nods. “Well I suppose I should thank you. I mean, actually say thank you.”
“No need. I simply discussed with her the reason you needed to do it. It’s constructive.”
“Sure. Thanks but like I said, it was a waste of time anyway. Planned it for months and for what? For my friend to run off after with the guy she’s been trying to set me up with. She knew how much I liked him and they’re probably banging right now.”
“How could she!? Why didn’t she just tell me? I’ve never liked a guy so much before. I don’t even know why I like him so much.” Stoooop. You’re tearing up you freaking idiot. You’re gonna look real attractive with makeup running down your face.
“Hopefully this will remind you what’s important here.” He pulls a card out of his shirt pocket and slides it across the desk to me. “The talent scout tried to hand this to you.” He did? When? “Keep working on what you’re good at all right?”
“OK. So I'm not in trouble?”
“After school detention tomorrow. Your tomorrow not his.” I must've been smirking for him to clarify that. Damn.
“My clothes aren’t really that bad now are they? I'm sure no one was offended.”
“I'm offended that you have a blatant disregard for rules.”
“Why? Could it be that you like what you see, Mr. Smith ?”
“You must like detention, Miss Jaeger.”
“OK, OK. I'm going.” Note to self: find better ways to flirt with principal.
I change my clothes before I find mom outside waiting for me. She says sorry for missing my performance. I knew she would. I’m not let down. I was hoping she wouldn’t show up after I decided to attempt to gain he who shall not be named’s attention. Which is now a regret. Mom must notice how miserable I am since she tells me that I’m gonna be let off from doing chores and punishment tasks for the day. Perfect, give me your pity. We get home and I go straight to my room and flop down face first into my pillows. Everyone is doing their own things I guess and I’m left alone to drown in my thoughts of Levi undisturbed. I keep thinking of getting up to do something. Anything. I need a distraction but I’m too depressed to move. Good thing Elliot comes in eventually otherwise I’d end up wasting my day staring at the ceiling. She’s telling me mom wants my laundry. Lame. Thought I didn’t have to do anything today. Oh well. At least it gets me out of bed. I gather the stuff mom’s ok with me wearing. I hide the mini skirts and sexy undies for Elliot to wash for me. We’ve got an agreement. She gets to wear my decent stuff whenever she wants as long as she returns it to my room and it’s not something I plan on wearing myself. She makes me put my panties in the machine for her and she does the rest. She’s weird about touching the lingerie before it’s washed.
Ooh, she’s coming out of her room.
“Here.” I shove the heaping pile into her arms and the top of it covers part of her face.
“Why didn’t you use a basket?” She lowers her arms to peek over my mountain of stuff. “And why do you have so many dirty socks? Mom does laundry like every other day.“
“I don't know. They're not mine.”
“Why are they so crunchy?” She sounds, I don’t know, superstitious or suspicious or something.
“I found them under the bed like that.”
“Ah! No!” She throws the pile at me. I don’t even try to catch it. Just let it hit the floor.
“What?” She doesn't even answer. Just flails her hands about and makes some noises. Oh geez, is she actually gagging? Freaking drama queen. “Why is that bad? It’s probably hairspray.” Although I don't know why Eren would put hairspray on his socks. I pick one up to smell and she just stares at me with her mouth hanging open and a look of pure disgust on her face. And ugh! “These were worn! How do you get so sweaty that your socks stick together?” Elliot turns around and walks off shaking her head. Still flailing her hands and being really grossed out for some reason.
“Don’t ever hand me any clothes that aren’t yours. Like ever.” She yells over her shoulder. Uh, ok? Well I’m not picking this stuff up for a second time so I just leave it in the hallway. Mom will get it.
I’m officially confused. Also sad. Way too sad to function. Yeah, staring at my ceiling til I pass out seems like the best thing for me. And no, I am not crying. Especially over some dumb boy. Ugh, eff you, Levi.
Chapter 7: Despite All My Rage . . .
Days like this I wish I didn't exist.
-gay slurs. (I think there's one.)
-sexual assault (groping over clothes)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Here I am thinking about how much I enjoyed, and now miss, masturbating in my bed. Does that mean I’m fantasizing about my bed while jerking off in the shower? Maybe. Fuck I want my door back. Didn’t think I’d miss it so damn much when I told mom I didn’t care about her taking it as a punishment to Erin. I’ve spent a lot of time in my bathroom over the last week. Technically the past two weeks but ya know, I’m only conscious for half those days. And I definitely make sure to jerk off several times on all of those days. I’m sixteen, it’s kind of what I do. Had a girlfriend once. She decided it was too weird and awkward to stay with me. I’ve resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life. Doomed to be forever alone with only my right hand to keep me company. It was nice though. That little while when I had someone to do the stroking for me.
Ok this is taking too long. Sometimes, like this very moment, I end up having this inner dialogue halfway through beating off and accidentally get myself distracted with random shit. Like the one ex I have that I don’t even give a shit about anymore. I do miss the making out and groping though. Speaking of groping, I need to get back to the matter at hand here. Heh. Ok where was I? Oh right, some girl kissing all over me in the shower. The specifics aren’t important. Just closing my eyes and focusing on the glide of my fingers. Trying my damnedest to make myself believe it’s a mouth wrapped around my dick instead of my own hand. Once I’m back in the zone it won’t take long to finish.
And in the zone I am. I’m right there. So fucking close that I’m internally begging my dick to just come before my arm falls off. Ugh I’m about to lose pace here. Come on you fucker, give it to me. Muscles uncontrollably tensing. Toes beginning to curl.
And there’s the sound of someone banging on my fucking bathroom door. At least Erin’s still privileged enough to have that door but holy shit, fuck off right now. Who ever that is better go away. This shit feels really good and I want to finish.
El oh el, nope. There's more banging on the door followed by some muffled question that sounds like “Are you naked?”
“Uh, no shit, genius.” I am in the shower.
I don't know if I ever properly introduced my sister. My obnoxious as fuck thirteen year old sister who has thwarted my masturbation attempts more than anyone else in this damn house. She drives me crazy and is only second to my other personality. She looks like the girl version of me. Let me rephrase that: she looks exactly like me on the days I think I'm a girl. And I'm sure both make it their personal mission to irritate the ever living fuck out of me.
“I meant are you covered, asshole? I'm coming in.” She asks while she’s walking in. Yeah, come right in. Taint my masturbation station with your vile presence, demon.
“Don't-” I attempt to scare her off with my booming voice. Yeah, she’s not intimidated.
“I've got a couple things to say and you're going to listen. One: for fucks sake stop jizzing in your socks.”
“And two: a favor to you, I highly suggest you stay home today.”
“Why? Wait, go back to the sock thing.”
“Wash your own fucking socks. End of story. Now as for school,”
“I’m going. Now get out.”
“Trust me on this, dick.” She leaves without a word and I’m kind of dumbfounded but whatever I guess.
Time to pick up where I left off and not even thirty seconds later the door opens again.
“Mikasa’s here by the way.”
“Will you fucking kno-” And she’s gone.
When I eventually make it downstairs for breakfast mom goes on about my shower time and how much faster Erin is in there than I am. I highly doubt that considering all the crap she has lined along the edges of the tub. Things I’d guess she uses every time she’s in there. Shooting a load down the drain is time better spent than putting fifty different soaps in my hair. And no mom, it’s not a waste of water. Not like we’re gonna run out. Don’t dictate my shower time, woman. That time is very precious to me.
She tells me she’ll have my bedroom door back on by time I get home and tries to subtly tell me to stop jerking off in the shower. Good job captain obvious. Pretty sure everyone at the table is picking up what you’re throwing down and I’m not talking about the food. Especially since Elliott let's out a quiet snort at my expense.
Plus side to life at the moment is that I’ve had a week without incident, for the most part anyway. Erin getting herself grounded was proving quite beneficial for me. Saved me a whole lot of embarrassment from the shit she would've done otherwise. At this rate, I hope she never gets anything back. I love that mom and dad decided to take everything from her. Even though it appeared that she got her phone back. She still wasn’t allowed to use it to it’s full extent though. Mom’s been watching the Verizon usage like it’s a favorite show. The thought of how crazy that must be making Erin brings me joy. Knowing that she can’t even use up a single byte of data or she’ll lose her phone again. Yasss.
Mom must’ve realized that she wasn’t doing her share of schoolwork either because I’m no longer drowning in it. And she's actually been doing chores. Did I mention that I love when she gets herself grounded? If life were to continue like this I suppose I wouldn't mind having this split personality disorder. Ok, I’d still mind but not as much. It’d be a hell of a lot easier to deal with though.
On second thought, never mind. The moment I arrive at school has me changing my tune. I absolutely do mind having to deal with this split personality bullshit. Ok, so it’s not terrible at first. Approaching the entrance with Elliot I see there’s a gaggle of fuck-holes hanging around. We can hear them talking about me. The girls look at me and snicker quietly. Nothing out of the ordinary there. My ‘ignoring assholes game’ is always strong. Walk by them with my head up and unfazed by their banter. That is until I feel a hand firmly grasping my ass cheek. I whip around so damn fast ready to punch someone but I can’t tell who did it. They’re all barely containing laughter.
Is sexual harassment ok now? I’m a guy so it doesn’t matter or what? Like I have no right to feel violated over this because emotions are for girls?
Elliot grabs my arm and it’s barely audible when she says to let it go as she pulls me to turn around. We begin walking away and not even a second later the pack of hyenas bursts into riotous laughter. I hear one of the guys make a comment about my ass feeling as nice as it looked yesterday. I cringe. And they call me gay? Seriously, what the fuck? How does a guy do that to me and everyone laughs along with him when he calls me a faggot? These people are fucking idiots and they don’t make a lick of sense. That’s not nearly the last of it though. I'm getting cat-called left and right and I have no clue why.
“I’m not even gonna say I told ya so.” My sister says but it's not smug.
“You just did.”
“I mean I’m not gonna say "haha, you should’ve listened to me, you big dumb." You really should call mom to come back to get you though.”
“Can’t afford to miss school, Ell. You know that.”
“Dude, I will gather all your shit from your teachers and bring it home.”
“That doesn’t help me with the fact that I only ever get to hear half the lessons taught in class. If I go home I’ll be missing out on more than I already do.”
“That’s what you have Armin for dipshit. Look, I just really think you shouldn’t be here for another day or two. Until shit settles from what happened yesterday.”
“Why? Did I fuck the mascot on the field during halftime?” She isn’t amused by my sarcasm.
“Please Eren. I know we hate each other but I really don’t wish for you to go through the shit-storm that will be your day if you stay.” Weird. Didn’t think Elliot could actually show compassion.
“Thanks but I’m staying.” She looks sorely disappointed. Dejected even. You are not my obnoxious little sister. What did you do with the real one? “Don’t worry about me. Go to class.”
“I’m sorry.” She says with a sincerity I didn’t know she possessed. Fuck. What the hell happened yesterday? I watch as she walks away. My gaze being broken by someone smacking my fucking ass.
“Heeeey, Jaeger. I like the way you shake it, baby.” Hitch calls out to me as she continues on her way. I’ve just fell victim to a drive-by smacking. And by Hitch no less. I visibly shudder at the thought of where she’s been. Probably not more places than I have honestly. Thanks, Erin.
Making my way to my locker I see that Mikasa and Armin are there waiting for me. Also not out of the ordinary. Upon closer inspection though it appears they don’t look too thrilled.
“Do you need me to punch Hitch in the face for you?”
“You seen that, huh? It’s fine. Well it’s not fine but I’ll live. Remind me to burn these pants when I get home.” Why do their smiles look so pained? “Ok, what the fuck is going on? Elliot’s acting weird as fuck and now you two as well?”
“Well we were thinking of ditching today so-” The laugh that escapes me is involuntary.
“You? Yeah right. Mister my only love is learning. I’m pretty sure you like school more than your ‘overly kind it’s bordering creepy’ girlfriend.”
“This isn’t up for discussion, Eren. We’re leaving.” Mikasa orders.
“This for the same reason my sister was trying to get me to leave?” They don’t answer but they glance at each other with a look of guilt. “Yeah. That’s what I thought. I’m heading to my first hour before I get marked tardy. You coming, Armin?”
“Please, trust us.” Armin pleads as he clings to my wrist to stop me.
“Not unless you tell me what this is about.”
“Just show him.” Armin’s gaze is silently begging for Mikasa to reconsider that demand. He doesn’t argue though. Just slides his phone out of his pocket. Busies himself with something on there until he passes it to me. It’s a Youtube video. Not gonna lie, kinda nervous. I hit play. Pretty sure I may regret that based on how everyone seems to be acting.
Oookay. There’s some shitty pop song being sang. Sang by me. I can tell because hearing your own voice always sounds fucking horrendous. I knew this was coming though. I’ve been told that Erin wouldn’t shut up about it. Apparently she was really excited for this. And she’s obviously one of the figures dancing around on a stage. Can hear the person recording is laughing. As expected. Then it zooms in and-
“HOLY FUCK! What the fuck am I wearing!? Holy shit. My fucking dick-” Is clearly visible through- what the fuck is that even!? Because there’s no way THAT can be classified as underwear. “How the fuck did this happen!?” Oh, what a cute little spin around she did there so the whole fucking world can see my hairy ass! My hairy ass hanging so far out of the bottom of that skirt. Where did she buy that thing, at the Baby Gap!? Why am I watching this still? Probably for the same reason people stop and stare at car accidents. “Fuck I’m done. I am so done. You may as well bring me out back and put me out of my fucking misery. I can not continue to exist with this shit on the internet.” Armin eases his phone out of my clenched fist. Probably afraid I’m gonna whip the object with the offending video at a wall to make it stop offending me. If it were my own probably but not Armin’s. This isn’t his fault. Wait-
“You two knew about this.” I’m beginning to seethe with rage. Is it misdirected? I’m about to find out.
“The dance routine kind of-.”
“But not the clothes. Not until it was too late anyway.” Mikasa butts in. “I tried. I fucking pleaded with her to change. We honestly didn’t know. No one did. Think about that before you go storming off to freak out on Petra.”
Anger. So much anger I’m desperately trying to contain. Then there’s someone smacking my fucking ass again. I turn around as the guy is about to make some smart ass comment to laugh about with his friends. He doesn’t get the chance to before I land an infuriated right hook to the left side of his face. He stumbles for a second, disoriented. Good. His friends are pissed like he’s the victim here. Okay assholes. Poor you for being a sexual assaulting douche bag.
And I’m off. Can hear Mikasa and Armin trailing after me. Sure it’s so they can attempt to stop me. Don’t want me racking up a bunch of detention or better yet, a police record. No one bothers me as I storm through the halls though. Probably because I look super fucking pissed. Finally coming to a halt when I see the group of girls Erin’s always hanging out with. If her stupid selfies are anything to go by.
“Where’s Petra?” One of them is so startled by me that she lets out a squeak.
“Oh, um hi, Eren. She’s in the bathroom.” The squeaker answers. I think her name is Mina. Mina who is trying not to let me into the girl’s bathroom. She’s about as boisterous as a mouse. I throw the door open and round the corner. The girls staring themselves down in the mirrors are quick to leave.
“Petra, I know you’re in here.” My voice echoes off the walls.
“You say that like I’m hiding.”
“Get out here.”
“Would you like me to pull up my pants first or-” She trails off. Hilarious.
“Why’d you let her do that shit?” I stand there with my arms crossed over my chest. The sound of a toilet flushing, a stall door unlocking and squeaking open.
“You know how she is. Like you, once you’ve got your mind set nothing stops you. That relentless determination proves you’re one in the same.”
“She’s not me.” I spit.
“I suppose not but she only exists because of you.” Fuck how is she so calm right now. Look at her. Over there washing her hands and fixing her hair all nonchalant.
“Don’t remind me. That’s not the point. The point is why you let it happen. You’re supposed to be my friend.”
“I’m friends with the both of you.”
“You were mine first. You have to-”
“Don’t even go there. You know I do my best to not let you embarrass the hell out of yourself but sometimes it doesn't matter what I do or say.”
I open my mouth to argue but get cut off by some guy creeping slowly into the bathroom and calling for Petra.
“Is this guy bothering you?” Yes I am. Now get the fuck out.
“Oh geez, can I not go to the bathroom without a bunch of guys following me?” she complains as she pushes him towards the door. “Get out, Auruo.”
“What about him?” The creeper inquires.
“Perk of being a girl every other day?” I shrug. Petra finishes pushing him out and holds the handle to keep the guy from opening it again.
“I'm sorry, Eren. I really am. The least I can do is what I've always done and that's to defend you every time I hear people talking down about you. Either of you. I'm guessing you seen a video that got posted. I'll do my best to get people to delete them. But only the ones that were posted for negative reasons.”
“All of em.”
“No. She'll be excited to see that our performance was recorded. It meant a lot to her.”
“Fuck her. Just do it.”
“Look, I'll give you some space. Text me when you're done being mad at me.”and with that she leaves.
I sigh. How else am I supposed to react? This girl is almost too fucking sweet and kind to be mad at. Almost. Good thing she walked off. I’m going to regret later that I was a prick to her.
I almost don't want to leave this bathroom. I know what's waiting for me or there. Out in the halls. The amount of torment I'm going to have to put up with today. Time to see how good I really am at ignoring people.
At my locker vehemently stuffing shit in my bag. Don’t even know why or how I managed to stay at school for the whole damn day. Oh I know, because I have to make up for the days I lose or I won’t graduate. Fuck this day. Fuck this life. I’m so done with it. I don't even want to exist anymore. Why? Why the fuck didn't I just go home. Could've left at any point. Yet here i am. Been fighting off angry tears all day because it’d be great for them to see me cry. Give them more fuel for their fires and the demented satisfaction they’re looking for. I slam my locker shut and before I can even begin to turn around I feel arms wrap firmly around me. What-
"Hey, Jaeger.” A deep voice speaks low in my ear. Hot breath ghosting over the skin there. “I've been thinking, after that little tease you did on stage yesterday, i thought maybe we could go for a quick round in the bathroom."
"Fuck off." I try to push away from this douche but he just holds me tighter, grinding against my ass.
"C'mon now, don't be like that. I know you want this cock buried in that slutty little ass of yours." He grabs my dick through my jeans and I cringe.
"Get the fuck off me!" I struggle in his grip but I can't break free. It enrages me all the more that this guy is stronger than me and all I can do is stand here and wait for his assault to be over.
"I think I prefer it when you're dressed like a girl. That's when you beg for it. I can compromise though." I'm so fucking angry at this point that tears are streaming down my face. So much for holding ‘em back. I know I can't overpower him but I don't give up. I manage to drive my heel into his toes. Earning me a satisfying yelp. We stumble backwards and he releases me. I regain my footing, fully prepared to fight him but when I turn around I see why he let go of me. He's been whipped to the ground. Levi holding him there by his throat. Fucking hell. The guy is only like five foot.
"You disgusting pig," The guy grabs at Levi and he responds by gripping his throat tighter. "Don't even think about touching me with those filthy fucking hands or him. Is that clear?" The guy nods. Levi releases him and stands up, looking to me and asking if I’m ok. Before I get the chance to respond my eyes are averted to the guy lumbering up behind him. I didn’t even see him get up. Levi must notice where my gaze is directed and fuck he's fast. He turns around and punches the guy in the face so hard that it knocks his ass back to the ground.
Levi’s expression is calm. No exertion. Like he hadn't just taken down a fucking quarterback. He opened his mouth to speak but I didn't hear what came out. The adrenaline and anger coursing through me making everything around me a blur. Or maybe that's the tears. Great, the guy who defended me is now seeing me cry like a little bitch. I just bend down, stuff the shit that fell out of my bag back in it and walk away. It's probably rude of me to do but I don't feel like having a chat with him. Fuck, I don't feel like having a chat with anyone. I pray I make it out of the building without running into any of my friends. Being alone is what I need. Jam my earbuds in and stew on my anger some more while I ride multiple city buses home.
I try not to recall the previous encounter I had with that asshole at school. But I’m furious and I like making myself spiral further into this hole of pity and shame. My mind brings me back to that night. The unfortunate night I woke up to him attempting to have his way with me. One of the many grand perks of having a whore for a split personality.
When I get home, I find mom and Elliot hovering over the computer in the den. I don't know how she made it home before me but I stop by the door for a second out of curiosity. And to enjoy the temporary numbness that's setting in.
"Oh my gosh."
"This isn't funny. Why are they laughing!? Where'd she get that ridiculous skirt!? She is grounded!" Good. Mom is seeing what Erin did.
"She's already grounded though."
"Well her sentence has just been extended to life without parole. Delete this!"
"I can't delete it, mom. Someone else uploaded it."
"Well tell them to delete it then!"
"It's not that simple. You know how many people think Eren's a joke? They're eating this up. Good thing he isn't on any social medias to see all this. I'm sure he already has an idea of what happened considering how angry he looked every time i seen him today. I kinda feel bad for him."
"Write down all these names. I'm reporting them for harassment and calling their parents."
I can hear my sister facepalming from my mom's request. At least she cares, I guess.
I'm done eavesdropping and make my way to my room. I've been furious all day and now that I'm finally alone does my wrath take over. I almost can't control it. Pull at my hair and try not to yell. I whip around my room in an enraged haze. Throwing around whatever is in my sight. Not caring if it's mine or hers. I gain some kind of semblance so I don't break my own shit. Why shouldn't I though? When it comes down to it, I am the reason Erin exists. I don't know what I did to cause her appearance but I have no one to blame but myself. The thought angers me even more.
I begin tearing through the closet like a fucking hurricane. I pull out every skirt I can find and toss it on the bed. I'm going to make damn sure she never wears a fucking skirt ever again. Really wish I had a fucking paper shredder or something because that'd be a hell of a lot more satisfying than taking a scissors to all this cloth.
She's got more fucking clothes then I remember her having. When did she accumulate this much shit? The skirts aren't enough though. After I'm through with them I pull Erin’s dresser drawer open so hard it falls off the track and hangs there precariously. I begin ripping these stupid ass panties a part one by one with just my hands. I should have done this along time ago.
With every item of hers that I destroy, it makes me feel freer. Oddly enough. At some point I ravage through her makeup box, demolishing everything, smashing her red lipstick all over the mirror. You're not Taylor Swift. Red lipstick makes you look like a whore. No, makes me look like a whore. A fucking cross-dressing freak whore. I finally burn myself out as I stand there crying. It's then that I hear my mother banging on my door, demanding to be let in. I can hear the concern in her voice. How frantic she sounds as she rams herself against my door. I can’t bring myself to care. I should.
She’s stuck on the other side, helpless. As I am every day that passes where I’m not able to be conscious. I don’t know why she can’t get in. I don’t care about that either. Her sorrowful demand turns into a desperate plea. I can't be sure of what she’s saying though because the only words I can make out are the ones swirling around in my head. I mechanically shout to her that I'm fine. That I just need to be alone.
Heh, alone. Yeah that's the last thing I need right now but it's all I want. I collapse onto my bed and the fact that I'm fighting sleep from all the crying I've been doing pisses me off all the more. I am exhausted and to no avail do I stay awake.
Groggy from sleep, I think I hear light knocking on my door. I groan in response, too tired to speak. It's my mom, letting me know dinner is ready. I’m completely numb now. I fall back asleep quickly before it wears off.
The next thing I know my eyes are met by darkness and there’s the sound of more knocking on my door. Louder this time. It's my dad asking me to open the door. Of course I refuse. He threatens to ground me but does it even matter at this point. Hopefully he grounds me from ever leaving the house. For anything. I decide that existing is too much to deal with so I pull a pillow over my head and the comforter over my body and let sleep take me again.
I have a short thing typed up about what happened between Eren and the guy that assaulted him. If you guys are interested, I might put it up as a side thing. It was in this chapter but I cut it.
Chapter 8: I Do Not Have A . . .
Eren is a freakin psycho.
*Warnings for self harm.
*And Happy New Year, an update!
Why is it so hot? My body is completely surrounded in I don’t even know what. Then it hits me, cool air. I open my eyes and it’s hard to see through all the fog. This really freakin hot fog.There’s someone standing above me but I can’t make out who they are. They come closer but their face is a blur. No matter how much I stare it never comes into focus. I’m exhausted and my eyes are getting heavy. Can’t keep them open any longer. They slip close and I feel the man pull me to his chest. Maybe it’s a woman and she’s super flat. I don’t know. All I know is I’m passing out and I don’t want to. What’s going on? Is this a dream? It all feels so real.
There’s the feeling of stinging on my legs. Like I’ve rolled around in thorns. My face hurts because, I’m sure, Eren fell asleep with his dumb glasses on and they’re smashed against my nose. Yeah, that’s exactly it. Ugh. I’m all sweaty, too. Freakin’ gross. I can’t ignore this discomfort any longer in hopes of falling back asleep. I struggle out of this cocoon I’ve been wrapped in. The pillow my head is buried under is damp and the blanket sticks to me. Where is my phone? Not where it’s supposed to be that’s where.
If I get up and it’s before five I am going to be super annoyed. And why didn’t I flip the lightswitch in my room that’s like inches from my headboard. That would've made more sense than tripping my way to the bathroom in the dark. Tripping on I don’t know what. Stepping on crap that does not feel good under my feet.
I reach into the bathroom and feel along the wall until I find the switch. The burst of light burns my eyes and I wipe away the tears it’s caused. My vision clears and I'm so stunned that I squeeze them shut. No way am I seeing what I think I’m seeing. Take a deep breath. Relax. This mess is not real. Okay. Open my eyes and yup, it's real. I even cover my weird eye with one hand just to be sure.
Stay calm. It only looks bad...right? I ignore whatever the red stuff all over my bedding is and begin to pick up my clothes instead. Piece after piece. Everything is either torn or cut apart. Ahh don’t cry. It’s just, like, all of my skirts and bras and underwear and surely there’s something left that’s not scraps of cloth. Just gotta make my way to the closet but I stop when I feel a pain under my foot. Look down to see what I’ve stepped on and...that better not be my phone!
It is or what’s left of it.
“What the fu-!?” Oh hey, there’s one of my compacts. The powder is gone and the mirror is broken. Nice. Real nice. All right, F the closet for now. The bathroom better not be destroyed, too.
My silent tears are now quiet whimpers. I still try to be hopeful that not all of my stuff is wrecked. I don’t know what looks worse, the room or the bathroom. Makeup is smashed all over the tile. The colors mixed together with hair products in a display of angry art. While this is all super sad and completely ruining me emotionally, it’s not what makes me absolutely lose my barely held together chill. My favorite red lipstick lies empty in the sink. Red prints smeared about the counter and I follow them up the mirror. The lovely shade has been smashed all over it in a message: YOU HAVE A DICK
I yell for my mom but it comes out as a quiet gasp instead of a shout.
Beyond the writing I notice my reflection. The same shade is streaked on my face with another red that doesn’t match. It stains my right hand as well. I stand staring at myself as I begin my ugly crying with my ugly cry face. This can’t be happening. This is not happening. What did I do to deserve this? I’m beyond angry at this point. I’m sad. I’m so many things right now.
You know when really bad things happen and you hope and pray that it was all a bad dream? This is one of those bad things. One of those bad moments in life. Like, you just do not want to exist for a while.
I walk out of my bathroom trying to pretend this isn’t real. I was having a weirdly realistic dream before I woke up so I’m probably still half dreaming. Totally dreaming up those scissors being on my bed. Kinda hard to see past the tears but I’m pretty sure that’s not blood. Nope. I squeeze my eyes shut again hoping that this scene will be gone when I open them. I don’t bother wiping the tears though because when I look down at my hand, it’s still red. I’m still holding those scissors. They’re still covered in blood as is my bed. I check my wrists for cuts but there are none.
Where . . . ?
I can’t help the scream of complete horror that I let out. I desperately try to cover the bleeding slashes. They’re all over my thighs. Blood smeared everywhere there. Boxer shorts soaked with it. If I hadn’t seen the damage, felt the pain, I’d think I woke up to the event of my first period. That would’ve been better. But no, it’s Eren being a psycho all over my long, beautifully toned, smooth legs. There will be so many scars. I’ll never be able to wear a skirt again!
And what am I doing about it? Standing here freaking out. Grabbing at the wounds. There’s so much blood. Oh my gosh, I’m gonna die! How am I still bleeding even? When did this happen!?
“Eren!?” My mother’s terrified call for me is almost instant. “Eren, open the door!”
Open the? . . . I feel, foggy. Numb. Like time has stopped. I forget what's happening and it feels calming. My mother's shouts reach me like sound does underwater. Whatever this is, I want to stay here. Forever staring blankly ahead. Unfeeling.
No matter how good this wave of numbness is I know that I can’t stay in it. Even if I tried. Tried to go to sleep in hopes of a switch happening. The pain would still be there when I’m conscious again. Ugh. Time to just deal with it.
“Mom!” Sadly I've come back to reality and it sucks. What was i doing again? Oh yeah, dying. I see that I have my door back. (Terrible timing on your part there, mom.) A knife has been jammed in the frame and I pull it out. I try to move the dresser blocking the door but I'm not strong enough. I can only pull it just enough for my door to crack open.
I can't even begin to describe all of the emotions on my mother's face when she sees me through that crack.
“Mommy, help me.”
“Move.” She says it so flatly and blank faced I don't even think to question her.
I move and she begins to throw herself at the door. Takes her a couple of goes at it before she knocks the dresser over and squeezes in through the small gap she created. And holy crap I've never seen her like this. Like she's scared. Desperate. Angry. Like she's not herself. I can tell she’s trying not to cry. She pulls me into her arms and sits us on the edge of my bed as I begin to sob into her shoulder. Making her wrinkled shirt wet with tears and snot.
Elliot sticks her head in to see what’s going on. Mom charging the door probably got everyone’s attention. Ell looks at me for like, a second and she’s off yelling for dad.
“Grisha,” Mom's voice sounds so pained.
My father arrives and he doesn’t say anything. He’s as straight faced as always and his first order of business appears to be getting the dresser standing back up and moved out of the way.
“Let’s get you cleaned up.” He says as he walks over to my bathroom. I’m guessing the words on the mirror make him change his mind. The mess, too, probably. “C’mon. Let’s go.” He says with a grunt as he scoops me up into his arms.
He carries me like he used to when I was child. Out of my room and to the bathroom that’s out in the main hallway. He sets me on the closed toilet. He cleans my cuts as my mom works on my face, gently rubbing away the blood. Moments like these make me feel like crap for the things I put them through sometimes.
Mom has Elliot take Evi and straighten up my room. Elliot promises not to throw anything away. That she’ll put it in a bag for me to sort through. There’s no point but it makes me a feel a little better. My sobs quiet down to an occasional sniffle and eventually I'm just sitting there staring blankly ahead. Dad tells me the cuts aren’t deep enough to need stitches. Good. I hate needles and needle-y things. He covers the spots that are bleeding still with gauze and tapes it in place.
By the time dad is done checking me over, my sisters have made my room livable again. Well Elliot did. When I walk in Evi’s distracted applying my busted eyeshadows. The scene makes me smile for a second before I remember why my makeup is smashed to bits. Fresh tears begin to fall and my mother comes rushing to my side to see if I'm ok. Of course I'm not ok. Everything I own is destroyed.
“He did this didn't he?” I ask and she doesn't answer. She doesn't need to. I already know. “What happened? Why'd he do this?” I begin to question through choked sobs. “I didn't do anything!”
“We'll talk about it later. When you've calmed down a bit.”
“What!? No! We'll talk about it now.”
“Trust me, you wanna wait.” Elliot says giving me the stfu stare. Something serious must have happened if she’s trying to get me to shut up.
A couple hours later I’m on the way to MOA with mom and I still have no idea what happened the other day. I’m sure I’m gonna hear all about it during the fifteen minute drive to the mall. Then hear some more while I’m trapped in the car with her in the parking garage. Because that’s how it goes. You start a conversation and don’t stop talking even after the car is off. Why do you continue to sit in it instead of getting out? Who knows.
And that’s exactly what happens. A half hour later and I’ve heard her tell me how disappointed in me she is. How she can’t believe what I did. How much I’ve betrayed her trust and let’s not forget about the “you don’t need to dress that way to-” blah, blah, blah speech. I get it, I’m in trouble. My grounding will be even longer but what about what Eren did!? That’s what we should be talking about! Forget about my room. That psycho cut up my flawless skin! Well I can’t say for sure that he did but it doesn’t matter. I know he did. Common sense, duh.
I ask mom why she brought me to the mall if I’m in so much trouble. Aside from the obvious of needing clothes to wear. That’s when she begins to explain to me the best she can about what happened yesterday. Some stuff happened to Eren at school but she only knows as much as Elliot told her. He got home and barricaded the bedroom door. She could only listen to what was happening.
“-Stand there helpless, listening to my son breaking down. Knowing I could do nothing for him because he didn’t want to let anyone in. He didn’t want his own mother to help him through whatever it was he was going through in that moment. I begged for him to let me in. Pounded on the door but it was like he didn’t even know I was out there. On the other side of that fucking door breaking down with him. I-”
Oh my gosh I can’t listen to anymore of this. She’s choking through this whole thing and her tears are everywhere. I quickly lean over the center arm thingy and pull her into a hug. She’s shown a lot of emotion today. Emotions I almost didn’t believe she had. My mom is either happy or scolding me and today she’s not really living up to that rep. This is so freakin’ sad. And uncomfortable because the arm rest box is digging into me. I try to shift without disturbing her but she must notice because she pulls away.
“For what? I was the reason he did that to you.”
“Perhaps but you’re not being selfish about this.” Not on the outside anyway. Like I’m gonna complain about Eren while mom is crying her eyes out about him. “All I want is for you to take away from this that the things you two do to piss each other off, it not only impacts you both negatively but everyone around you as well. Your father and I, your sisters, Mikasa, Armin, we all love you very much. Both of you. I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings but please, from now on, think of the effects your actions will have. For your own sake and my sanity.”
“Your sanity? I’m the one that’s diagnosed crazy.” We laugh together and she answers-
“You have no idea, child. Raising two very different kids in one body- well it’s been a ride. That’s for sure.”
She smiles at me and it’s so calm. Almost like she may be back to being happy but we both know she’s not quite there. Has she ever been?
“C’mon, let’s go shopping!” She says seemingly excited.
And I hope, for the first time, that her smile is real.