For Farrah, the spunky blond teenage girl, It had been a traumatic day. First, she was minding her own business playing in the park, acting out her favorite book, The Big Totally Not a Labyrinth Maze, ruled by the Not-A-Goblin Gnome King, and the darn rain interrupted her fun.
Then she was late getting home to babysit her baby sister Coby, with her meanie stepmother berating her for being careless, and also dateless because boys didn't like spunky girls who cosplayed, like ever.
"You don't even ask what my plans are anymore, you are such a Karen!" Farrah screamed at her stepmother as she stomped up the stairs.
After her parents left, she discovered they had given poor Farrah's beloved stuffed bear, Camelot, to Coby.
It was the last straw, as the bratty dark haired Coby, in her blue and white striped pajamas, wailed, Farrah swept in and took back her favorite toy.
"I hate you and I wish the Not-A-Goblin Gnome King of the Totally Not A Labyrinth Maze would steal you away!" Farrah yelled.
Coby was quiet. When Farrah looked in the crib, THE BABY WAS GONE!
As small creatures appeared and scurried around the room cackling at her, the wind howled, and there was a loud banging and the sound of something brushing against the windows.
:thwap thwap thwap:
Farrah gasped and backed away." Oh my, is that a peacock trying to break in? And what are all these definely not goblin type gnomes in my house? It's so scary!"
In a flash, the windows burst open, and the big bird flew in, flapping it's giant wings and knocking things off with its giant tail. As it turned to land, said tail smacked poor Farrah across her head!
"Hey, watch it with the tail! " She said, stomping her foot in a spunky, yet bratty fashion.
She rubbed her eyes to clear them, and when she took her hand away, there was a man. A man who she had read about, and had no idea was real. "It's you! You're the Totally Not-A-Goblin Gnome King!"
All the Not-A-Goblin Gnomes twittered from their hiding places in the darkened room.
"Hello Farrah. I am King Bareth." said the strutting king, in a sultry fashion that he knew a young spunky girl would be obviously drawn to, but not in such a way that would make him seem too interested. He made sure his stance was crotch forward, so it looked large and formidable, as all King's crotches should. He was also buff and veiny, because apparently girls also dug that over the lean and pale thing these days. He flexed his muscles to make sure she saw this was the case.
"Um, yeah. Thanks for trying to help, but I'd like my sister back if you don't mind."
The King put his fists on his hips and walked around the girl, eyeing her. "Well, I'm sorry, Farrah, but what is screamed is screamed. No backsies."
"But, but, I need her back! My parents will be mad and I don't want to be in trouble!"
The King sighed. "If you insist." He pointed out the window. Farrah looked out a saw a vast Totally-Not-A-Labyrinth Maze. It was really big.
Like the King's crotch, Farrah though to herself. Oh she had noticed alright. It was quite formidable.
"Is that the Castle Beyond the Not-A-Goblin Gnome City?"
"Yes. You have 12 hours and 45 minutes to solve my Big Maze, that is *not* a Labyrinth by the way, or your baby sister will be one of us, always!"
He faded away, and left her there on top of the sand hill.
She shrugged, and walked down to the flat ground, where she found Boggle, who quickly informed her he was not a dwarf.
He was the gatekeeper to the Big Maze that was Not-A-Labyrinth. He was very kind and sweet and let her in without a hassle, then when back to saving the fairies who fluttered around the plants clinging to the walls of the Big Not-A-Labyrinth Maze, who of course would never bite anyone. One even kissed Farrah's toes!
She made her way casually and with much teenage girl spunky cleverness through the first corridor, and a grumpy pink worm refused to show her anything important, but told her she *may* know of an opening, if Farrah would make her some tea and go away.
Farrah had no tea, so she found an opening herself.
There were plants growing on the Big Maze's walls that resembled ears and it creeped Farrah out.
Eventually she found some doors. They opened immediately and the door guards didn't threaten her with anything, but they did tell her "Have A Nice Day! Don't worry you'll be fine! No death to worry about here!"
She stepped through with a wave, and immediately fell down a hole, finding herself being passed down by a bunch of giant feet sticking out of the walls of the hole.
" Ew gross! I hate feet! " She exclaimed as they guided her down carefully, so she didn't crash through the bottom and hurt herself.
She was gently lowered to the bottom, into a lovely clean room filled with warm light.
Boggle was there. "Oh there you are! I was worried you'd get lost! Bareth sent me to help you! He's a great King!"
Farrah nodded. "Thank you. But don't you find him vaguely formidable?"
Boggle shrugged. "Sometimes, but that's what kings do I suppose. Walk around being mildly intimidating but also alluring. Just the way it is. He spends most of his time not being formidable working out to stay buff and veiny."
They left the room and moved through the well lit clean tunnels. Farrah was startled when the rocks in the walls began talking, but they were very nice and were only giving the two directions to get out.
As they were walking a crystal rolled between them and they followed it.
As they rounded the corner there stood Bareth, the Not-A-Goblin Gnome King, in all his glory.
"Boggle.." The King crouched down to address his very well treated (including a dental plan and a 401k so he could retire someday from his job of saving fairies) employee, and spoke. "Were you, by chance, helping this girl?"
Boggle looked a bit nervous. He didn't want to lose his medical coverage, after all. "Of course! I was just going to show her the more direct path to the castle! She keeps getting lost!"
Bareth stood, relieved. "I know! It's incredibly annoying how she keeps making wrong turns! Good on you old chap!"
He then turned to Farrah. "How are you enjoying my Totally Not-A-Labyrinth Big Maze?"
Farrah looked up into his handsome face and gave him a look of spunky and clever brattiness with her emerald orbs. "It's rather like a piece of peach pie, delightful yet with a crispy crust. And I've about had my fill."
Bareth smiled, knowing exactly what she meant. Only he truly understood her. He stood to his full height.
"You cannot resist me Farrah, I am a handsome and mysterious king, I'm am going to seduce you by being vaguely threatening but also alluring and be the cause of your lifelong bad boy issues."
She smiled knowingly. She knew he would understand. "I am aware you will be the cause of my feminine awakening and have accepted it. Later I will probably write terrible stories that feature you and I participating in some adult type touching, and date older men who play guitar and have fabulously large hair that wear eyeliner, when I'm older, but for now, I say to you, I am spunky and clever and will defeat you! "
"Here is something to chew on!" Bareth said, formidably and crotch forward, as he threw a crystal and suddenly Farrah and Boggle found they were guided by Not-at- all-Goblin Gnomes pointing towards the exit as glitter rained down around them. Everything is better with a lot of glitter
Bareth also gave them each a sandwich because they looked hungry, that's what he meant by giving them something to chew on, not the glitter thing. Glitter is not food. But he did hand the snacks to them in a very intimidating way with a slightly sexy flick of the wrist, and a wink.
Boggle and Farrah found a well made ladder and climbed it back to the Big Not-A-Labyrinth Maze. There in the courtyard was a giant bird wearing a hat that was just the head of an old man. They were very nice and gave Farrah a ring, and urged them forward.
Boggle decided to go take a nap after the big lunch, so Farrah went on alone. It was then she here loud laughing and singing. She found a giant beast in a circle of dancing Not-A-Goblin gnomes, and they were singing
"ha ha ha hee hee hee, we're dancing gnomes that aren't goblins and you can't catch we..."
Farrah joined them and threw flowers she randomly found laying on the ground. The absolutely Not-A-Goblin Gnomes then danced away.
The beast was then grumpy. He said his name was Rocko, and when Farrah approached, he said he never wanted to be her friend. That she ruined his good time. But Farrah offered him a Snickers so he went with her anyway.
They walked a bit and then Farrah turned and Rocko randomly disappeared. Farrah shrugged, not really caring, and kept going. He took her last Snickers anyway.
She ran into some monsters in the forest, but they just laid on the ground and ignored her. She tried to get them involved in a good game of soccer but they refused. "Well, how dare they ignore such a spunky clever girl as myself. Rude."
Meanwhile Boggle had finished his post sandwich nap and figured Farrah was lost again and went to find her.
But he ran into Bareth. "Oh dear Hoggle, the girl is lost again. You must help her. She keeps saying she's clever but I'm beginning to have my doubts!" The Not-A-Goblin Gnome King said.
"I shall do my duty, my King."
He handed Boggle an apple. "Here is a gift. She may be peckish again. Befriend her. Maybe give her a little smooch. It's fine with me. I'm not jealous at all."
"Will do Bareth. You're as fine a king I've ever known. Very buff and veiny. But watch out for the crows, I've heard rumor some of them are fake!"
Boggle left, eventually finding Farrah wandering around the forest complaining about monsters and soccer. "Farrah there you are!" He hugged her legs.
Farrah backed away "Hang on Boggle I just want to be friends. I'm way more into the King."
Suddenly another hole opened up and they slid down until they came to the Swamp of Good Smells.
"That's what you get when you don't let me kiss you!" Boggle said.
The ledge gave way and they fell just missing the water. But oddly they found Rocko.
"Oh hey there you are!" Farrah said.
So he joined Boggle and Farrah as they picked their way through the swamp. It smelled lovely like chocolate and marshmallows.
The came across the not-a-fox-just-a-regular-dog Sir Grumpypuss, and he was complaining how bad the swamp smelled." I verily prefer the smell of my own farts!" He declared, and no one enjoyed it after he chose just then to demonstrate.
Farrah covered her nose and spoke. "Gross. Listen is there a well made bridge around here somewhere?"
Sir Grumpypuss pointed. "Over there. Go on ahead. I'll walk with you, my spunky, clever new friend."
The bridge was perfectly safe of course, but after they'd crossed, they found themselves back in the forest.
"Seriously how big is the forest?" Farrah asked. "I'm hungry and Rocko ate my Snickers!"
Boggle presented her the apple and she ate the whole thing, after which she passed out cold. But Boggle, Rocko, and Sir Grumpypuss had already moved on, completely oblivious to Farrah's plight, because they really sucked as friends.
I mean who leaves their friend passed out in a forest, drugged?
Sarah found herself in room filled with dancers acting like the king.
They were vaguely threatening, yet flirty on the verge of inappropriate, but Farrah kind of liked it, not being one to kink shame, and suddenly there he was, all buff and veiny. Farrah swooned, but remained spunky.
The Not-A-Goblin Gnome King in all his formidable yet sexy glory eyed her with his lovely blue orbs with pupils exactly the same size.
He took her in his arms and sang her a romantic, only a little bit creepy song, and held her in rapt attention.
Bareth also enjoyed it, wearing his best velvet suit, sending out that kingly, slightly intimidating aura, he glowered at her, knowing he was making her (and the audience) think not at all appropriate thoughts about him, the I-keep-reiterating-absolutely-not-a-goblin Gnome King.
"Farrah my dear, do I not look sexy enough? Am I not giving you the best come hither looks you've even seen? My veiny buffness? Are you impressed with my manly bulge?"
Farrah sighed heavily, drawing his attention to a place that wouldn't be polite to mention because The Big Totally Not-A-Labyrinth Maze Movie is PG rated.
" Well yes, but we can't speak of that. We can just look at it and know it's there. Anyway, soon I'll need to go back to my quest I absolutely remember." Farrah answered spunkily and cleverly, but with a touch of teenage brattiness.
Bareth let her go and handed her a chair." Fine, go on. "
Farrah smashed the wall of the ballroom, and floated down to a place called" The area of Generally Useful Things That have disappeared from Elsewhere and End Up in the Big Not-A-Labyrinth Maze."
Sarah luckily landed on a pile of socks. Not pairs of socks, but the socks that got sucked through portals from people's dryers and seemingly disappeared forever.
Farrah now knew the secret of where all those socks went.
Also here, pens, nail clippers, sunglasses, lighters, and mittens and gloves. Games pieces, coins, millions of puzzle pieces, keys, and anything that people sat down somewhere and never saw again.
There was a helpful Not-A-Goblin lady who offered to take anything Farrah had that she found useful and unburden the girl, but Farrah, in her typically spunky clever way, explained to her the concept of wearing two socks and why she wanted to continue to do so.
Then Boggle, Rocko, and Sir Grumpypuss wandered into the scene and happily claimed credit for rescuing Farrah even though she basically rescued herself.
The Not-A-Goblin Gnome City was right there so they figured the may as well go in.
The doors were wide open so they just walked in. The city was spotless and this annoyed Boggle, Sir Grumpypuss and Rocko, Sir Grumpypuss started throwing things around, and Rocko strangely began to yodel.
The Not-A-Goblin Gnomes began to riot as the hapless trio began to rampage through their city messing up their perfectly clean streets.
It turned out Rocko's yodeling called out across the lands to bring hundreds of chickens to come to the city.
As the crazed birds terrorized the Not-A-Goblin Gnomes, the Not-The-Goblin Gnome King watched from his castle brooding sensually, and intimidatingly, and crotch forward as the clever Farrah ran spunkily for the castle, but she was a teenager so of course she had the energy.
He did not because he'd been on babysitting duty. Not-A-Goblin Gnomes couldn't be trusted with children.
Her rather questionable group of so called friends followed Farrah to see what was going to happen. They didn't really care, but it was something to do that day. Boggle was still a bit butthurt about the kiss thing.
She turned. "Please just stay here, I'll take care of it. You have all helped me enough for one day."
Farrah entered and Bareth was right there waiting, with Coby in his arms. "For fuck's sake take this kid home. She screams like a banshee and ruined my tightest pants by whizzing on me. Who needs the hassle? In the time it took you to get here, I'm ready for a big flaggen of Not-A-Goblin wine and a smoke after dealing with this one. "
Farrah agreed about the hassle, but she didn't want the drama from her parents, so she took the baby back. "Not me. But what can I do?"
The Not-A-Goblin Gnome King took a seat in his throne and sat down, thrusting his lower body forward so Farrah could get one last good look.
A riding crop appeared in his hand. Which Farrah though was weird since she'd yet to see a horse.
"I hope you enjoyed your adventure here In My Big Not-A-Labyrinth Maze, and that I was properly formidable , intimidating , slightly threatening , yet completely alluring and sensual enough for you. That my hair was fluffy enough and my crotch forward enough and my buffness veiny enough. "
Farrah nodded, staring with her green orbs at him." Oh you were definitely all those things. I swear I will never forget you, will have naughty dreams every night, and I'll get right to work on those bad boy issues. There's a boy in my class at school who plays in a band and smokes but is age appropriate so I'm good on that for the moment. Was I spunky, clever and bratty enough?"
"Mostly. I did question your cleverness on occasion. Shall we meet again in say 5 to 7 years depending upon your age, I know it's somewhere between 14 and 16, and get to that adult type touching thing? " Bareth replied with a gentle roll of his hips to drive the point home, so to speak.
"Oh definitely. I look forward to abandoning my world and joining you here for eternity. Let's have lots of babies and be happy forever! But not yet. I look forward to being the "Not-A-Goblin Gnome Queen!"
With the wave of his boot, Bereth sent Farrah home.
The spunky teenager put the baby back in her crib just as her parents got in the door.
"Farrah are you home?" her father called.
Farrah rolled her eyes. "Where the hell do you'd think I'd be? Solving a Big Not-A-Labyrinth Maze to win back Coby from the" Not-A-Goblin Gnome King?! Dumb question. "
As Farrah looked in the mirror she saw her supposed friends from her adventure. "Can I help you? " She asked.
Boggle waved sadly. "We'd hoped you'd spring for a victory party. "
"Uh no. Go home. I have no disposable income of my own, and we have a noise ordinance. And frankly, talk about no help you all left me drugged in the forest." She answered.
They faded away, but outside her window sat a peacock. She waved at it, then went to change her clothes. When she came back he was gone, she was glad because watching her through the window was a pretty creepy thing to do.
Farrah could hardly wait for the dreams to start, she thought as she spunkily climbed into bed.
Coby began to wail in the next room, she put her pillow over her head and ignored it this time.
"THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT HAPPENED YOU PLAGIARIZING INGRATES. AND I'M NOT A BLOODY PEACOCK!"
"Jareth, calm down, it's ridiculous but..."
"NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! WHO IS THE PERPETRATOR OF THIS HEINOUS ACT OF THEATER I'LL HAVE THEIR HEADS!"
"Jareth...please calm yourself.."
"TO THE BOG! ALL OF THEM! CAST! CREW! I DON'T CARE!"
"Jareth everyone is looking at us, we're not alone remember?"
The Goblin King stopped and looked around, suddenly realizing a theater full of people were staring at him. "Well, you know what, I don't care, this is a travesty of the highest order." He crossed his arms and pouted.
Sarah rubbed his back sympathetically as the rest of the people filed out, looking at Jareth like he was crazy.
"I know I know, it's a terrible version of our story. Our scribes are loyal, but some nefarious ones sneak in and use our story for their own selfish purposes. But what can we do?"
"Let the Fireys tear their heads off?" Jareth asked hopefully.
Sarah laughed. "No, we grin and bear it. We know what's true and what isn't. Let's go home and do some adult type touching. I'll be extra spunky and you can be extra...crotch forward."
At the thought of engaging in such activities with his Sarah, Jareth felt a little better." Very well. But I have to ask, did I cause you to have bad boy issues? "
Sarah grinned." Well I'm here aren't I? "
This got a chuckle of of the annoyed King "Fair point, precious, let's go home."