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Mistletoe Mishap (December 2011)

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Perry barged into Dr. Doofenshmirtz’s lair, quickly dodging the mistletoe. Only to be trapped underneath it a second later.

“Ah Perry the Platypus.” The Doctor emerged from the shadows. “Do you like my new trap? I call it the Trapped Under the Mistletoeinator.” He stepped on a button at the base of the trap, causing it to rise up so he was eye level with it.

“You see Perry the Platypus, back in Gimmelshtump we had this tradition. Every year on Christmas Eve, my family would go out to the backyard and play kickball. And after every match, the winner got a kiss under the mistletoe from a fraulein. And every year, just like always…” here the doctor spat. “My brother Roger won. Every year, the same thing: a kiss under the mistletoe for Roger. Was there ever one for me? Nooo. I never got one kiss. Not. One. Do you have any idea how depressing it is not to have a kiss under the mistletoe Perry the Platypus? It’s humiliating! I mean, mistletoe kissing is the ultimate Christmas tradition! And so, because of that, I built this trap.”

He paused, staring at his nemesis. “Heh. This is a little awkward, but…I have to kiss you. See, not only are you trapped under the mistletoe, which I planned, but I would like to have at least one kiss under the mistletoe so I can experience it.” The doctor looked around. “I would kiss a fraulein, but…uh…I haven’t had luck with women since high school. See there was this one woman I took to the drive through and…you know what? Nevermind. I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway Perry the Platypus, this will only take a minute.”

Perry squirmed as the doctor placed both hands on his shoulders, anchoring him to the trap. His eyes widened.

“Oh don’t look at me like that Perry the Platypus. This will be more embarrassing for me than it will be for you, trust me. Now stop squirming.”

The platypus flailed, twisting and turning in a desperate attempt to free himself. Doofenshmirtz must have lost his mind if he thought he was going to put up with this. This had to be the worst scheme yet. Perry was about to turn and sock his nemesis in the nose when it happened.

The doctor had only meant to kiss his nemesis on the cheek. But when Perry turned to punch him, the kiss landed smack on the monotreme’s bill.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz froze, slowly opening an eye. His nemesis stared at him in horror and what the doctor could only assume was surprise.

The pair stayed lip locked for several seconds until the Doctor pulled away. “Heh. Okay, maybe more embarrassing for you.”

The platypus gulped.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz looked around awkwardly. “So…normally I’d say ‘curse you Perry the Platypus,’ but I don’t feel like cursing you for some reason. It’s weird really.”

Perry watched as the Doctor lowered the trap to the floor, bending over and setting him free. He gave the doctor a weak smile as the two stood there staring at each other.

“So…I guess I’ll see you some time tomorrow?” The platypus nodded, heading for the door. “Perry the Platypus?” He turned around, eyeing the Doctor in front of him. “Let’s agree to never speak of this again.”

The platypus gave a thumbs up in agreement before walking out the door, closing it behind him.

But it wasn’t until he was standing outside the Doctor’s apartment that he realized something: the sudden rush of adrenaline he’d experienced while kissing the Doctor was gone.

He paused in thought a moment, smacking himself in the face seconds later.

Best not to think about it.