Parties had never really been my scene. But as a little kid, I dreamed of them. Music blasting so loud you that the walls would move. A sea of people filling the space, dancing and drinking, laughing and enjoying themselves. Maybe it was the idea of being someone cool enough to go to these parties was what I was attracted to, because that wasn’t me growing up. The only difference is now I was an adult. And it wasn’t all it was built up to be.
My social battery was now running on empty, and my best friend Lana was nowhere to be seen. I mean, it was her party so I knew she had to socialize with the other guests too. But I continued to allow myself to be irritated, considering she was the one who shoved me into a skimpy little cocktail dress and left me here like a lamb to slaughter. She forced me out of my comfort zone, she should at least try to stay with me.
Lana told me as she got dressed, “Your big break is coming with this movie, I can feel it.” she adjusted the bust of her dress, before turning to me and cupping my cheeks. “You’re going to be a big actor soon, and you’ll be going to all sorts of parties. Think of this as practice.”
I adored her optimism, as well as her unwavering confidence in me. But I wanted to be an actor for different reasons than that. I fell in love with the stage in high school and I studied movies better than I did my schoolwork. I dissected the writing, the cinematography, and the way the actors emote and behave. I wanted to be an actor for as long as I can remember, but the stereotypical actors life style wasn’t so appealing. Of course, I’ve been drinking more than usual tonight. I’m not sure I’d be able to survive otherwise.
My finger swirled lightly along the rim of my glass, the third one I’ve had since I got here. I was tipsy, but I was aware enough to feel someone’s presence behind me.
“Oh, there you are, Y/n! I was starting to think you melted through the floor!” Lana had to yell to be heard over the loud activity in the room. I rolled my eyes and took a sip of my drink.
“I had plans to do that, but I decided to have a drink first.” I turned around on the bar stool to face her, but my eyes darted up to the man beside her who had laughed at my remark. He was tall, especially next to Lana, who was five feet tall. He had fluffy brown curls that laid on top of his head, stubble, and big brown eyes that were shining even in the dark room. Weirdly, I couldn’t help but notice that he had really great teeth. He was just my type, and I had a feeling that was precisely why Lana had dragged him over to speak to me. I exhaled a small laugh, glancing at Lana, who’s expression told me I was right.
“Y/n, this is my friend Matthew. He’s an actor too.” She looked between us with a smirk, her lower lip pulled between her teeth. “I think you guys could become very good friends.” She pat Matthew on his back and shot me a wink. Then she disappeared back into the crowd.
“Nice to meet you, Matthew. I’m Y/n.” I stuck my hand out for him to shake, which he accepted—my god his hands were big.
“Yes, Lana talks about you a lot.” He smiled brightly and it was one of the most adorable smiles I’ve ever seen.
“Good things, I hope?”
“Absolutely, she made you sound too good to be true.” He said smoothly. I would have blushed if I wasn’t already from the alcohol. He had rosy cheeks too and a boyish giggle, so I figured he had a drink or two as well. Unless was just naturally like that, which was also a possibility.
“Well, here I am. Sit.” He smiled and sat down on the barstool me “Lana said you were an actor. Have I seen you in anything?”
His nose scrunched and he shook his head, “I’ve done some little things over the years, nothing major.” His words seemed hesitant, but I figured I didn’t know him well enough to push. “How about you? A little birdie told me that we might be celebrating something big?”
“Well we were supposed to celebrate, but that birdie of yours seems to be… preoccupied.” I gestured to Lana, who was drunkenly dancing on a pretty red headed woman. Matthew laughed and nodded, agreeing that that sounds about right. He reached up and rubbed his scruff with his hand. I couldn’t help but notice the rings around his fingers, as well as the gold chain that I saw dangling down his chest. I don’t know what it was about men wearing jewelry, but it made me melt every time.
“Maybe we could go celebrate ourselves, then.” He spoke, snapping me back to reality. He didn’t seem to notice me staring at his hands, but if he did he had the decency not to mention it.
"C'mon, you were looking for an excuse to get out of here, I got one.” He spoke with a shrug. He seemed so unbelievably trustworthy, and Lara seemed to vouge for him highly. But still, I was unsure.
“I shouldn’t leave with a stranger…” I trailed off, looking around the room. There were couples practically having sex in the corner, there was puke on the floor, and someone who was trying to get everyone to listen to him play Wonderwall on the guitar he brought. “You’re right, I’m going to go insane if I don’t leave.”
We went outside and I inhaled the cool, fresh air with immense relief. We walked about half a block, which wasn’t far, but it was harder with my heels on.
“Those shoes are pretty, but seem a little impractical.” He said, trying to stand still as I used his shoulder to support myself. So I stopped and took my shoes off, allowing my feet to walk bare on the dirty cement of the sidewalk.
“I know right?” I agreed, standing up. Without the extra inches those platforms loaned to me, I could only now fully process how tall he really was. He would have been intimidating if he didn’t so closely resemble a puppy.
We reached his car, it was a cute vintage car with brown leather seats. It was warn in but neat, and it had a nice aesthetic that seemed to have special meaning to him. He opened my car door for me, but I stopped myself before I got in.
“Pinkie promise you’re not going to kill me?” I stuck out my pinkie for him to link his much larger one with. He immediately accepted with a little giggle that made my heart smile. So I smiled back at him and got in the car.
“Where should we start our celebration?”
“Could we go to my place first?” I asked, and he looked at me curiously, “I was hoping I could change clothes and grab some shoes I can walk in.”
“Okay, no problem.” I guided him to my little house on the outside of the city. It was nearby to Lana’s mansion, so we weren’t driving for any longer than ten minutes. We hardly knew each other more than fifteen minutes before we got in the car, but we spoke like we were friends who knew each other our whole lives. I learned that he was from Las Vegas, that he was extremely close to his mom, and that he was on a cop show. He didn’t tell me what it was, but I didn’t ask. He was incredibly easy to talk to, and I just wished I had met him sooner in the night. I would have been feeling a lot better about the party if I knew him beforehand.
He parked and I got out, wincing at the feeling of gravel in the soles of my feet. Still m, I refused to put the torture device I called shoes back on.
“You want to come in? I’m gonna be a minute.” I asked before I walked away.
“Oh! Um..” his tongue nervously wet his lips and he looked around the car. “I… yes. I’ll… yes.” He fumbled with his seatbelt and hit his head on the roof of the car as he tried to get out. He pretended that he didn’t, however, so I swallowed my laugh and pretended not to notice.
We got up to the door and I unlocked it, but I didn’t open it. I felt him looking down at me. I blushed pink under his gaze and I made myself turn to face him. The look in his eyes was different than usual. It was more intense. His fiery eyes looked down my body, before meeting me back at my face.
“Matthew..” I said softly, he hummed in response. “What are you thinking about?”
A smile twitched onto his face, but he fought it back off. “I’m thinking… that unless you tell me to stop, I’m gonna kiss you.”
“Kiss me then, Vegas."
He immediately attached his lips to mine like an unseen force had pulled us together. His hands cupped my face, and I opened the door, allowing us to fall inside. I guided him back to my bedroom, not removing my lips from his once.
He threw me onto the bed and he rid himself from all the unnecessary layers of clothes he had clad around his body. He slid my dress of my body. It was backless so I wasn’t wearing a bra, a fact that he seemed to be incredibly pleased by.
His lips attached to my breast, while his hand kneaded the neglected one. His tongue swirled around my nipple and a shaky moan escaped from my lips in response. His hand then moved further down, leaving cold trails in its wake. His fingers delicately moved the fabric of my panties to the side. They entered me and forced a gasp out of my throat.
"Matthew.” I let my eyes close as the palm of his hand rubbed my clit in circles. My hands entangled within the jungle of his curls. I felt him moan against my skin, which only added to the mess that I was underneath him. His fingers curled and hit the sensitive spot within me, as his lips painted a picture all over my chest.
His fingers moved faster, which built up the tightening feeling inside me faster.
His touch left my body almost as quickly as it came, and I whimpered at the loss. The feeling of his fingers was more intoxicating then all of the alcohol at the party where we met. He brought them up to meet the moonlight shining through the window, they were glistening with my wet arousal. He brought his fingers to the smirk on his face and licked them clean without taking his eyes off mine. It was a subtle action that pulled the breath from my lungs, and brought the best kind of butterflies to where his fingers had just been.
He unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants, sliding the clothing down his legs and allowing for his hard cock to spring free of its painful confinement. The sight of him alone made wetness pour out of me and onto the sheets of my bed. He spread my legs forcefully and fit himself in between them, perfectly like a completed puzzle. He grabbed a condom out of the wallet he had in his pocket, ripping it open and sliding it onto his length with ease.
He pushed into me, at first just an inch or two, and then all together.
“Fuck, Y/n, you’re so fucking tight.” His words filled me with warmth. He pulled all the way out of me completely, before snapping his hips and bottoming out inside me. I cried out as out as he filled me up, the slapping of our skin echoing through the entire house as an audible reminder of the feeling I was overcome with.
His words were sweet and soft compared to the ruthless thrusts he pounded into me. I was a wriggling mess of moans and cries under him, my incoherent noises being the ultimate words of encouragement for him to continue harder. His fingertips swirled around the sensitive bundle of nerves at me crest. I couldn’t stop moving, as his touch sent overwhelming jolts of pleasure throughout my body. His free hand pinned my hips down on the mattress like a nail. I hadn’t doubted it for a minute, but I was completely at his disposal.
His head threw back as loud moans left his own lips. “God, you feel so good, taking my cock like a good girl.” He praised, and hearing him felt almost as good as the things he did to me. Almost.
His rhythmic thrusts grew frantic, and I felt his cock twitch inside me. He wasn’t going to last much longer, but neither was I. He fell on top of me, propping himself up on his elbows on either side of my head. The necklace I had been drooling over at the party was now hitting me in the face with his thrusts, and that made my head spin even more. His face was right in front of mine, so I closed the gap between us and kissed him with even more hunger than I did before. My hands traveled up and down his torso, like I was studying every muscle for a final. His lips moved to kiss my jaw, under my ear, and I hummed contently as he did.
“Come for me, baby.” His words were a command that I simply couldn’t disobey. I came undone by the pleasure he moved through my body with every thrust. My vision went white with the power of my orgasm, and the noises he made while he finished with me could have been enough for me to come all over again.
He pulled out of me and disposed of the contraceptive. Then he found himself back in bed next to me. His arms snaked around my waist and his forehead rested against the back of my neck. We were both exhausted, but I was so entranced by what just happened that I couldn’t fall asleep until the soft snores that escaped his lips lulled me there.
I thought that I had dreamed everything when I woke up the next morning and Matthew was nowhere to be seen.
I had hoped that Lana was right, that this movie would be my big break. But it wasn’t high budget, and it was only released to certain theatres across the country. Still I was trying to be hopeful, and excited that I wouldn’t have to be an extra anymore.
Today, we were meeting the cast for the first time, we would be doing a table read. I was incredibly excited to meet my costars, especially since I made it onto the main cast.
The movie was a Comedy Thriller called 68 Kill. I was playing Violet, one of the love interests for the main character Chip. I hadn’t researched anything about my castmates. I guess I was just too nervous, because I’m sure all of them were more experienced. I knew their names, but not their faces. My friends thought I should at least look up the guy who plays Chip, because according to the script I would have to do a sex scene with him. My very first sex scene to be exact. But I was overcome with anxiety at the idea, and that kept me from digging further. Part if me wished that I could do it with someone I already knew, however awkward it may be. It was a vulnerable position to be put in, especially with a stranger.
I walked into the building on set, room 3C. It was where we would be introducing ourselves to everyone before we started the reading. I opened the door, and the room was bustling with an excitement that I wasn’t used to. The room resembled an office building, but the energy was different. It was creative, it was happy, it was excited. It was overwhelming. I took a deep breath and moved further into the room. But then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see an beautiful young woman with a head of long blonde curls and bright green eyes.
“Hey, sweetie! You must be Y/n, I’m Annalynne.” She spoke with an Atlanta accent.
“Hi, yes that’s me.” I offered my hand for her to shake, but she hugged me instead tightly. I recognized her name, she was the actress who was playing Liza. I was relieved, one, because the first face I saw was a sweet and welcoming one. And two, that so far she was nothing like her character.
She gave me a tour of the building. The conference rooms, the sets, the bathrooms, and the trailers.
“This ones yours, baby.” She said, my jaw dropped, running up to it.
“It’s mine?” I asked excitedly and she nodded with a smile on her face. I opened the door and it was just a boring trailer. But it was mine. I’ve never gotten to experience that before. “I can’t believe it!"
There was just a small table with cushioned benches, there were tufted couches and chairs, a kitchen, and a little bathroom.
"I know, ‘aint it just crazy?” she smiled, stepping in behind me and looking around the place. She pulled her phone out of her back pocket and checking the time, “Shoot, we gotta be getting back to the conference room, the table read starts in seven minutes."
I followed Annalynne back to the conference room, and this time people were slowly settling into their seats at plastic tables that lined the room. I found my space that was marked by my name. Annalynne was sitting next to me, and an empty seat on my other side. I leaned forward to see the name marked there, Matthew Gray Gubler. Seeing that first name made my heart ache for the briefest of a second. I missed my Matthew. I knew I shouldn’t miss him. It was a one night thing, he made that clear by how quickly he left the next morning. I didn’t have his phone number, or even his full name. I could get it from Lana, but I wasn’t going to. If he didn’t give it to me, he must not want me to have it.
Then the chair next to me scooted out from the table as someone sat down. I looked at him, at the same time he looked at me. My eyes widened, so did his.
"Hey, Y/n.” He said with the faintest of smiles pulling up the corners of his mouth, like there was a puppeteer trying to maneuver him with a string. He coughed and brought his attention to the script he held in his hands. His hands that had had touched me and filled me. His touch was so sure then. Now it was shaky. His eyes that had roamed the entirety of my body could no longer look at me directly in mine. And that hurt.
I formed my lips in a line between my teeth and turned my focus to my own script.
This was going to be an awkward few weeks.
Six Weeks Later
I had a bigger role on this movie than I normally get, though it was still less screen time than the others. At first I was disappointed because I figured the awkwardness between us would dissolve with time. But instead it seemed to grow stronger. So as it turns out, the small amount of time we did have to spend together was a blessing in disguise.
My time here was coming to an end. Tomorrow was the last day they needed me, after that I would be home by myself again. I wished that I would have someone to come home too, but the man invading my thoughts didn’t seem to want anything to do with me. The conversations we did have weren’t hostile in any way, they were formed by the unwavering friendliness Matthew contained. They were just painfully awkward.
He really was an incredible actor. Chip falls in love with Violet, and sometimes when we’re filming, I forget it’s all fake. He looks at me with kind eyes and the brightest smile, just like he did so many weeks ago. But then the director would call cut, and it was back to nothing but the sinking feeling in my heart.
I knew he didn’t hate me, but it certainly felt that way sometimes. He was embarrassed. I bet that he could still taste me on his tongue. He probably remembered the look on my eyes when I came undone because of his touch, and that was probably the image that flashed in his eyes whenever he met mine. That would explain why he wasn’t able to hold eye contact any longer than he had to.
Now was one of those times where he had to. We we’re lying nearly naked together on a bed. We were on our sides, our faces were a foot apart. When I imagined the next time this happening, I imagined a lot less witnesses. Possibly some, but probably not a whole camera crew.
“I was desperate, you understand?” I spoke my lines. Tears spilled from my eyes, and pooled on the side of my nose. I was lying on my side. Matthew stared back at me with sadness in his eyes.
“I do. Believe me, I do.” He assured, his voice hardly above a whisper.
“I’m not a whore.” I blinked and the tears overflowed and dropped onto the blue hotel bedsheets.
“I don’t think you are. I didn’t say that.”
“Well, I’m not.” His hand reached up to cup my face, and the pad of his thumb stroke away the sadness that dripped down my cheeks. I sighed into his touch, but he pulled away again. It was like I was on the verge of shattering, and he was scared he would be the one to break me. “That didn’t stop them from treating me like one, though.”
“Now, I kind of wish it was me that killed them.” He said flatly, and I laughed sadly.
“I don’t. Better Liza did it. She was already foul. You’re a good guy Chip. I knew you were sweet from the moment I saw you.” I smiled, but tears continued to fall. I sighed, and wrinkled my forehead, “You’re not disgusted by me, are you?”
“No, of course not!” His voice shook like he was hurt that I could even ask that. “Of course not.”
“Good.” I said softly, “It’s been a long time since I made the decision to make love…and how, and with who.” Tears began to well up in his eyes too. He sniffled, but his mouth grew into a smile. “You wanna help me break that streak?”
He grabbed my hands in his and kissed them lovingly on their knuckles with his eyes squeezed shut. Then he grabbed my face with his hands and connected our lips together for the first time since that night. My hand hooked around his arm like I was anchoring myself to him. He collected himself on top of me, in between my legs. Our mouths didn’t separate once, he kissed me like he needed me to survive. His hand pinned mine down to the mattress in an action that felt far too natural.
It felt real. At least the feelings he filled me with were. I missed the way his hands felt against my body, how his lips felt against mine. It’s funny how I hardly knew him. We were friends for a night, lovers for even less, but I missed him so much. I didn’t need to feel him inside me again, but I wished that we could still be friends.
“Cut!” The director called and Matthew was off of me immediately. He was off me, like he was dreading being on top of me in the first place.
I bit my cheek and sat up, covering myself with the blue sheet. One of the set PA’s passed me my robe, so I slid into that and crossed my arms over my chest.
Today was now done, and tomorrow was my very last day of filming. The thought crossed my mind, making my brow furrow. I wasn’t ready to leave yet. I didn’t want to go home by myself.
I got back into my trailer and got dressed in my real clothes before I left for my hotel. I wore pajama shorts, a hoodie, Birkenstock’s, and my backpack that had everything I needed in it. I left the trailer and locked the door behind me. I headed towards where I had parked my car, but I stopped in my tracks. I turned to face the sea of trailers, and in Matthews, I saw the lights streaming from the windows. Hesitantly, I shoved my hands in my pockets and gravitated towards his door.
I stood on the clattery metal stairs, and I was almost positive this alerted him that I was here. Still I didn’t knock. I raised my fist to the door, but I couldn’t.
No, just leave it, I thought. But before I could leave it, the door opened in front of me and Matthew stood confused. I dropped my fist to be back down my sides.
“Hey, Y/n… what are you doing here?” He scratched the nape of his neck.
“I think we should talk."
"Okay… um, about what?”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, he knew exactly what I was talking about. “What do you think?”
“Okay, fine,” he complied, opening his door wider,
I stepped in and looked around, feeling oddly disappointed that his trailer was identical to mine. He sat down on the couch, but I opted to put down my backpack and lean on the counters. “Now what?” he asked, leaning onto his knees with his elbows.
“I want…” I hesitated, swallowing the lump in my throat, “to fix this. I wanna fix whatever is so weird between us. I don’t wanna go home before we do.” He nodded in response, but it was so subtle I almost missed it. I watched as he made an effort to look in my eyes. It was weird, considering he had been doing the opposite for the last six weeks. “I had a great time with you that night, and I-”
“So did I! I didn’t mean to make you think that I didn’t.” He stood up and his height was intimidating.
“Then why is it so hard for you to be around me?”
“I don’t… I…” He struggled to speak, his eyes looking everywhere but me. Back to normal, I guess. He didn’t know how to respond, or even if he knew an answer at all. For some reason that made me angry. He’s been acting strange around me all month, and he didn’t even know why? He was so talkative that night at the bar, but now there was nothing. So I’ll talk for him.
“Tomorrow is my last day, until the wrap party in three weeks.” I crossed my arms tightly across my chest. “Were doing a scene together tomorrow where I’m dead and you see me in a dream that you don’t want to wake up from. I don’t want you to hurt yourself trying to fake it.” Tears came into my eyes, but I tried to hold them back because I didn’t want him to see how much this was effecting me. I didn’t want him to see me crying at all, much less because of him.
“Sorry,” I wiped my eyes, “I’ll go. I-I’m sorry.” I grabbed my backpack up from the floor and turned to leave.
“Wait.” He quickly stood and he held on to my arm with his hand. I turned to look at him, he had a sadness in his dark eyes that he must have reciprocated from me. “I’m sorry. I genuinely didn’t think it bothered you.” He spoke quietly, so I softened my stance. He removed his grip on my arm, and instead held onto his own like an anchor. I dropped my bag back on the floor, and he seemed relieved.
“Do you…” he sighed and ran his hand through his frizzy hair, trying to collect his thoughts. “Do you want to know the truth?”
I blinked before nodding, thinking that it was obvious I wanted that.
“The truth is, I’ve been avoiding you because I was scared.” I furrowed my eyebrows, before nodding a silent urge for him to continue. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot… I’ve been thinking about you way too much to be healthy. When I found out you were in this movie too, I thought that I should try to keep things between us strictly professional… but when I saw you sitting there at the table read… I realized that I don’t think that I would be able to do that if I hung around you.”
“What are you saying?” I asked, and he just sat back down at his previous seat on the couch. This time, I sat next to him. He fiddled with his fingers, looking down at them as he tried to mold his thoughts together into something verbal.
“I’m saying… that I tried my best to not feel anything for you, but I failed.”
“No, I know that It was just a one time thing, but you’re more than just a one night stand to me, okay? I don’t want that to be all I have with you.”
“Matthew, look at me.” At said softly, and he pulled his worried eyes up to meet mine. A ghost of a smile flickered across my face, but he caught it and seemed to relax. “I never said it had to be a one time thing.”
His brows furrowed and his mouth opened like he was going to say something, but he quickly shut it again. We sat quietly. The discomfort was back, but then again, I wasn’t sure it ever left in the first place.
My hands grasped each other in my lap. I should just leave. I’ll come film tomorrow and we’ll do the scenes, but then I can leave and forget about him in the first place.
I didn’t want to.
I had come this far, there was no use in backing down now. So I looked to him one last time, and my thoughts solidified themselves in the air before I even realized I had spoke.
“Can I kiss you?"
My voice was so quiet, I wasn’t sure if the words truly came out at all. But then his hands gripped onto my waist and pulled me on top of him. My legs straddled his hips and my arms snaked loosely around his neck. Our lips became magnets that had been dying to connect with each other. I tasted the sweetness on his tongue that filled my dreams every night since then. I felt the silkiness in his hair, the eerie softness of his skin. Everything about him that always seemed flawless and ethereal, like he was nothing more than a character from deep within my subconscious. But he was here. He was holding me, I was kissing him, he was real.
He was just too good to be true. But against all odds, he was.