Chapter 1: shrektacular
(4:30 PM) Sokka.
(4:30 PM) Sokka you better answer right now.
(4:30 PM) I told you. Before we left today. I told you, CLEARLY, to pick up your dirty clothes from the bathroom after your shower and I TOLD YOU to pull the shower curtain right so you don’t get the floor all wet.
(4:31 PM) Why are there dirty clothes on this SOAKING WET bathroom floor. It smells like Shrek’s ARMPITS in here.
(4:31 PM) ANSWER RIGHT NOW.
(4:32 PM) I DO NOT EXIST TO PICK UP AFTER YOUR NASTY COTTAGE CHEESE SMELLING ASS.
(4:35 PM) YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M DONE. YOU’RE GONNA REGRET THIS
(4:37 PM) um. hi. wrong number here.
(4:37 PM) don’t know who this sokka person is but it is not me
(4:38 PM) DON’T pull that stupid act on me again, sokka, i KNOW it’s you!!!!!! GET YOUR ASS HOME
(4:39 PM) I SWEAR I’M NOT SOKKA I’M REALLY NOT JUST CHECK THE NUMBER I’M NOT SOKKA
(4:40 PM) Oh my god. I am SO sorry. I am so, so sorry.
(4:40 PM) My brother just got a new phone and I copied his number wrong in my contacts.
(4:41 PM) I’m genuinely so sorry, this is so embarrassing.
(4:42 PM) it’s okay, i’m an older sibling too, i know the struggle
(4:42 PM) not that it’s any of my business, but don’t take any of sokka’s shit
(4:43 PM) you don’t have to tell me twice. I’ve perfected the art of making him regret crossing me. he better watch his fuckin back
(4:44 PM) badass
(4:45 PM) kinda curious now to see what you’ll do. someone who comes up with the term “it smells like shrek’s armpits in here” is clearly not to be fucked with
(4:46 PM) LMAOOO
(4:46 PM) thanks I guess
(4:47 PM) won’t bother you further. sorry again, wrong number person
(4:49 PM) no problem, shrek’s armpits
(5:30 PM) Nephew, Did You Remember To Clean The Milk Steamer? It Is Important to Do So As The Foam Sticks And It Becomes Difficult To Clean.
(5:31 PM) oh, sorry, i forgot
(5:32 PM) got a little distracted
(5:33 PM) I Have Noticed, Which Is Why I Am Reminding You. You Were Very Preoccupied With Your Cellphone When I Asked You. Are You Speaking to a Lady Friend?
(5:34 PM) Is It Mai?
(5:35 PM) ;-)
(5:36 PM) ew, uncle, no
(5:37 PM) mai and i broke up, like, weeks ago
(5:38 PM) Oh, I Remember. That Is A Pity.
(5:39 PM) You Were Never Quite Talented In The Romantic Department, Unfortunately.
(5:40 PM) I Can Assure You That This Was Not Inherited From Me. Many Women Have Been Charmed By My Advances.
(5:40 PM) can we stop talking about this
(5:40 PM) why are we texting anyway???? i’m literally just in the back room we can just TALK
(5:41 PM) This IPhone Business Is Very Fun. I Want To Figure Out How To Make The Emoji Of My Face.
(5:41 PM) I Still Want To Know Who Was Distracting You So Much.
(5:42 PM) this wrong number kept yelling at me because they thought I was their messy brother
(5:43 PM) I was really confused but then it got kind of funny
(5:43 PM) nothing romantic in question
(5:44 PM) Ah, I See. Meetings With Strangers Are Always Memorable, Accidental Ones More So.
(5:45 PM) you’re not gonna lecture me about predators on the internet?
(5:45 PM) I Am Quite Sure You Are Already Aware Of That, Nephew. It Goes Without Saying To Be Careful, Of Course.
(5:45 PM) Now Can You Please Clean The Milk Steamer.
(5:46 PM) right, sorry
(5:47 PM) And Don’t Forget The Little Tube, You Always Forget It.
(5:47 PM) yes, uncle
(5:48 PM) And Scrub Until There Are No Stains, Please.
(5:48 PM) yes, uncle
(9:00 PM) uh.
(9:00 PM) I probably shouldn’t take what you said literally but.
(9:01 PM) you said you wanted to know what I would do, so
(9:02 PM) here it is, the fruit of spite
Attached: 1 Image
(9:30 PM) oh my GOD.
(9:31 PM) this is beautiful
(9:32 PM) *takes a bow*
(9:33 PM) how long did it take you to do this? HOW? DID YOU DO THIS?
(9:34 PM) also was your brother’s room this messy before you put the Shreks
(9:36 PM) It took me around five hours, start to finish. Made a trip to the local library. Printed the shreks. took me a while to cut them all up and stick them up on all his posters, but it was worth it.
(9:37 PM) even hid a few easter eggs where it’s most likely to scar him for the rest of his life
(9:38 PM) more like a few easter shreggs amirite
(9:38 PM) …
(9:39 PM) won’t do that again, sorry
(9:40 PM) anyway, that is scarily efficient and dedicated.
(9:40 PM) I’m terrified of you
(9:41 PM) as you should
(9:41 PM) sorry, I’m probably coming off as really mean, I swear I’m a much nicer person, my brother just brings out the villain in me
(9:42 PM) i can get that
(9:42 PM) my sister’s favorite game is “How Far I Can Push My Brother”
(9:43 PM) she usually wins. very easily
(9:43 PM) siblings.
(9:44 PM) for the record, my brother is older than me, not younger
(9:44 PM) because you said earlier that it’s an older sibling thing
(9:45 PM) even if I feel older most of the time anyway
(9:46 PM) oh, cool
(9:47 PM) I mean half the time my sister acts like the older one anyway, because she’s smarter and stuff
(9:48 PM) so when is your brother gonna see your masterpiece. your modern day sistine chapel
(9:48 PM) any time now! he should be home from his girlfriend’s house any time now.
(9:49 PM) I HEAR HIS KEYS IN THE LOCK DOWNSTAIRS
(9:50 PM) OH SHIT!
(9:51 PM) GONNA GO HIDE BYE
(9:51 PM) GODSPEED
(9:56 PM) hey katara I just saw your messages
(9:56 PM) you really don’t have to scream at me like that it’s literally just clothes chill
(9:57 PM) if it bothers you so much i’ll clean it up when I get changed
(9:58 PM) KATARA!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK
(9:59 PM) get shrekt
Chapter 2: zuko's tumblr days
zuko has a dark past, korra chooses violence, and names are exchanged.
Normal is Zuko
Bold is Katara.
Italics is Sokka.
Bold Underlined is Suki.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
(7:30 AM) just for the record, i haven’t forgiven you yet
(7:33 AM) I think I’ll survive.
(7:34 AM) you taped him to the CEILING. ABOVE MY BED. AND I DISCOVERED IT. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
(7:34 AM) what if something had happened to me? what would you do without your dear older brother?
(7:35 AM) Do you want an itemized list?
(9:00 AM) are you still alive?
(9:10 AM) of course I am. i’m no pansy
(9:11 AM) it would be folly to assume so
(9:12 AM) also I hope you didn’t get grounded or anything
(9:12 AM) sorry if this is weird, I’m just really, really bored
(9:13 AM) nah, my dad thought it was really funny actually. he and I stood there and laughed meanly as sokka kept finding more and more shreks
(9:13 AM) and same, actually
(9:14 AM) physically dying here in lit class
(9:15 AM) I would give anything to trade places with you right now
(9:15 AM) literature slander? In MY dms?
(9:16 AM) there is literally nothing worse than this class. nothing
(9:17 AM) what are you guys even reading that’s got you so upset
(9:18 AM) love amongst the dragons
(9:19 AM) ARE YOU FUCKING K I D D I NG ME
(9:20 AM) WHAT ARE YOU SAYING????????? WHAT????????????
(9:21 AM) LOVE AMONGST THE DRAGONS IS THE GREATEST PLAY OF ALL TIME
(9:21 AM) IT’S A MASTERPIECE
(9:22 AM) WOW, OKAY
(9:22 AM) struck a nerve there
(9:23 AM) sorry, it’s just. my favorite play ever
(9:24 AM) not to insult your taste
(9:25 AM) but it’s just so…all over the place
(9:26 AM) that’s what makes it so great!!!
(9:26 AM) it’s got action, mystery, political intrigue, existential discussions of fate and destiny, a love story, and magic, and DRAGONS
(9:27 AM) and it got made into a really good musical
(9:28 AM) don’t watch the movie, though, that’s shit
(9:30 AM) noted!
(9:31 AM) didn’t know you were the ambassador of the love amongst the dragons fandom
(9:32 AM) we jest, but I had a love amongst the dragons themed tumblr when I was 13
(9:33 AM) NO SHIT!!!!
(9:34 AM) yeah it was technically a “classic lit” blog but i posted nothing on there but love amongst the dragons stuff
(9:35 AM) like gifsets from the movie and like, meta and stuff
(9:36 AM) it was so intense that I became notorious in the classic lit blog circles that I was the “love amongst the dragons guy” because I kept getting into fights online about it
(9:37 AM) fights? about love amongst the dragons? there’s love amongst the dragons discourse?
(9:38 AM) you know what, based on your heated reaction to me disliking it I can totally believe this actually
(9:40 AM) it was mostly really dumb stuff tbh
(9:41 AM) the movie had just come out so people kept arguing about whether or not it was a good adaptation (it wasn’t)
(9:41 AM) but I was also just an angry teenager using my classic lit tumblr as an outlet for my rage and frustration at the ordeal of growing up
(9:42 AM) WOW.
(9:43 AM) do you just always like, psychoanalyze yourself like that?
(9:44 AM) when I was being the aforementioned angry teenager my uncle taught me to always stop and self-reflect and think carefully about why I was feeling the things I was feeling, so I do that a lot to keep myself grounded and it’s just become a habit over the years
(9:45 AM) sorry if it sounds weird haha
(9:46 AM) no, it’s not weird at all! I actually think that’s a really healthy way to look at yourself. your uncle sounds really wise
(9:47 AM) he’s one of a kind
(9:48 AM) now it’s time for me to find that love amongst the dragons tumblr >:)
(9:48 AM) hope you haven’t deactivated it
(9:49 AM) oh, NO
(9:50 AM) NO NO NO NO
(9:50 AM) PLEASE
(9:51 AM) I thought you’d self-reflected and matured and were past that part of your life and all that
(9:52 AM) how would you feel if /I/ scrolled through the blog you had as a 13 year old
(9:53 AM) assuming you have one. yr evidently much cooler than me so I doubt you do
(9:54 AM) …I’ll answer that question at a later date
(9:55 AM) but yeah, fair point. I’ll be merciful. Just for today.
(9:55 AM) (but I will be looking at that blog someday one way or another)
(9:56 AM) tbh I just wanted to find something to study this play from because I’m seriously NOT getting it
(9:57 AM) oh. i actually took love amongst the dragons a while back.
(9:57 AM) i could send you my notes if you want
(9:58 AM) fr???? You’d be saving my life!!!
(9:58 AM) I can imagine how thorough they are, all things considered
(9:59 AM) you imagined right
(10:00 AM) oh, FINALLY class is over
(10:01 AM) same here!
(10:01 AM) I had fun talking to you :D
(10:02 AM) same here!! Talk later then :)
(4:00 PM) hey, me and sokka will be getting snacks and boba and stuff, we heard about this really nice place downtown, it’s like a small family business thing
(4:01 PM) do you want me to pass anything by you at ms. senna’s? i know you’re babysitting today
(4:01 PM) SUKIIIIIIIII
(4:02 PM) I love you!!!
(4:03 PM) <33333
(4:03 PM) well????? do you want anything?
(4:04 PM) just to see ur beautiful face
(4:05 PM) also salt and vinegar chips and mango milk tea <3
(4:06 PM) I gotchu bby girl
(4:06 PM) will never understand the salt and vinegar + mango combo though
(4:07 PM) it’s a delicate balance
(4:08 PM) the coolness of the mango soothes the burning of the vinegar, and the saltiness balances out the sweetness
(4:09 PM) trust me I’m a culinary genius
(4:10 PM) i would trust u with my life
(4:11 PM) not with my food though
(4:11 PM) still. I will get ur heinous snack for u
(4:12 PM) thank you so much!!!!
(4:13 PM) i need a booster you see
(4:14 PM) korra’s an adorable kid and i love her to death but she is…so much
(4:15 PM) like if aang was a scary five year old instead of being the peace-loving vegan we know and love
(4:16 PM) EXACTLY.
(4:17 PM) are you not allowed to eat there?
(4:18 PM) of course I’m allowed, but korra will want to eat whatever I’m eating instead of her snack, which means anything remotely energizing or sugary will be off the table bc then she’ll spoil her dinner and get hyper
(4:19 PM) not making that mistake again
(4:20 PM) won’t she want to eat the chips?
(4:20 PM) she hates them. burning mouth
(4:21 PM) right, right
(4:22 PM) I want to say hi to her though, i love that crazy little girl
(4:22 PM) you know she’s started in the little warriors class at aunt kyoshi’s? I was helping out there and saw her and her dad there
(4:23 PM) !!!!!!!!! CUTE!!!!!!!!!
(4:24 PM) I feel like your aunt’s the only person who can truly handle korra
(4:24 PM) yeah they have a Warriors’ Respect™
(4:25 PM) on the not-so-cute side this means korra will be testing out her new moves on me all day today :))))) shall prepare for bruised arms and legs
(4:26 PM) massive L
(4:36 PM) anyway who were you texting today in lit class? your eyes were literally glued to your phone for a solid hour and you were grinning so weird
(4:37 PM) oh. I can tell you but don’t tell sokka
(4:38 PM) are you guys still mad at each other?? I thought the shrek thing wasn’t a big deal
(4:39 PM) it isn’t!! we’re not mad at each other. It’s just he’d be weird about this
(4:49 PM) katara??
(4:55 PM) sorry!! korra began telling me about her new “fighting lessons” and spent a while demonstrating on my arms :))))
(4:56 PM) lmaoo of course she did
(4:57 PM) so?
(4:58 PM) right, so yesterday when sokka was a pig in the bathroom, i was so mad i copied his number wrong in my contacts and texted this total other person about it thinking he was sokka
(4:59 PM) wrong number guy was understandably spooked as what I was saying was Not pretty
(5:00 PM) hold on korra’s itting m,e agnain
(5:01 PM) i’m intrigued
(5:07 PM) anyway
(5:07 PM) so I apologized and stuff and he was really cool about it and we just naturally got talking
(5:08 PM) we kept talking today
(5:08 PM) that’s about it
(5:09 PM) well I get why you think sokka would be weird about it
(5:10 PM) that sounds really shady, katara
(5:10 PM) be careful!! there are horrible people out there
(5:11 PM) I know, I know
(5:11 PM) I haven’t told him anything about myself at all, not even my name
(5:12 PM) he sounds like he’s around our age
(5:12 PM) he spent like that entire hour today just talking about how much he loves love amongst the dragons
(5:13 PM) uhhhh
(5:13 PM) that’s so like, out of context but it’s not creepy at least
(5:14 PM) I mean. ur the most responsible person I know so ik you won’t be like super reckless about this
(5:15 PM) but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be careful and if anything vibes wrong just tell ur dad or sokka or me at once
(5:16 PM) aww suki of course I will <3
(5:17 PM) ily <333
(5:18 PM) anyway open up!!!! we’re here come get ur loot
(5:19 PM) and show me our young violent prodigy so I can give her a big hug
(5:20 PM) YAY!!!
(5:21 PM) korra rly said: peace was never the answer
(5:22 PM) that’s our girl!!!
(9:00 PM) uhh here’s the notes lol
Attached: 20 Images
(9:05 PM) wow!!!!! You were not exaggerating!!!!
(9:06 PM) these are DETAILED
(9:07 PM) *bows*
(9:08 PM) really, thank you so much!! yr a lifesaver
(9:09 PM) I really wasn’t vibing with lit this year at all, these will make it so much easier!!
(9:10 PM) it’s no problem at all!
(9:11 PM) it’s really sweet that you remembered
(9:12 PM) of course I did, I told you I’d give you the notes
(9:13 PM) if you need help with lit in general I could help, it’s kind of my thing
(9:14 PM) i noticed! You’re really good at this! I’ll have to take you up on your offer
(9:15 PM) you’re explaining the themes better than my teacher has for the entirety of september
(9:16 PM) thanks :D
(9:17 PM) you’re welcome…Zuko
(9:18 PM) wh
(9:18 PM) SHIT!!!!!!
(9:19 PM) I FORGOT I WROTE MY NAME ON THESE
(9:20 PM) LMAOOOOOOOOOO
(9:20 PM) at least you (accidentally) cropped out your last name
(9:21 PM) your full identity remains a secret for now
(9:22 PM) god, I’m such shit at internet security
(9:23 PM) when I was younger my uncle and I fell for one of those scams where you enter your social security number so you can get a free iphone
(9:24 PM) I mean, lucky for me we used uncle’s social security number
(9:25 PM) but still
(9:26 PM) HELPPPKDMNOE THIS IS SO FUNNY???? I DIDN’T KNOW PEOPLE ACTUALLY FELL FOR THOSE????
(9:27 PM) how old were you??
(9:28 PM) I was like 14 there was literally no excuse
(9:29 PM) well, now you know. I’m zuko, he/him
(9:30 PM) well.
(9:31 PM) for fairness and pronoun purposes, I’m katara, she/her
(9:32 PM) katara? that’s a really pretty name
(9:32 PM) thank you!!
(9:33 PM) so what class were you taking that could possibly be worse than literature
(9:34 PM) careful slandering the love of my life
(9:35 PM) i had chemistry (ew)
(9:35 PM) try topping that
(9:36 PM) chemistry is actually not that bad at all
(9:37 PM) it’s often fun really
(9:38 PM) …
(9:39 PM) gonna be the bigger person here and not slander your passion like you did mine
(9:40 PM) chemistry’s not my PASSION it’s just fine
(9:41 PM) my favorite subject is actually biology, human biology
(9:42 PM) I want to be a doctor, you see
(9:43 PM) that’s really cool :D
(9:44 PM) you must be really smart
(9:45 PM) not really, I just study really hard and it’s something I’m passionate about! Being ‘smart’ is a myth anyway
(9:46 PM) that’s true
(9:46 PM) do you know what kind of doctor you want to be?
(9:47 PM) I’m still thinking about it a lot
(9:48 PM) I really like kids so I think I’d like being a pediatrician
(9:48 PM) but also I was thinking of being a neurosurgeon
(9:49 PM) and I know that’s what everyone says they’ll be and everyone ends up opting out and doing something else
(9:50 PM) but idk
(9:51 PM) I think you can do it
(9:52 PM) I’ve only known you for like two days but ik you’re a force to be reckoned with
(9:53 PM) you can do what you set your mind to
(9:54 PM) thanks!!!!
(9:55 PM) in any case you can help me with chem now because i am absolutely terrible at it
(9:56 PM) of course!! Whenever you need to.
(9:57 PM) I guess we have a tutoring agreement now lol
(9:58 PM) how studious of us
(9:59 PM) model students of the humanities and STEM departments, respectively
(10:00 PM) ugh, my sister wants me to do something, I have to go
(10:01 PM) talk to you later, katara!
(10:01 PM) later, zuko :)
First of all, I'd love to thank everyone who read, left kudos, and commented! You guys have no idea how much it means to me!
For context, Zuko and Katara are both in their senior year of high school (Katara skipped a year, so she's in the same year as Sokka and Suki). Korra is a violent five year old, based heavily both on her canon personality and on my own cousin who I babysit regularly. For the record, Sokka's bathroom adventures are based on my own brother, who I have unfortunately not gotten the chance to cover his room in Shrek cutouts. Kyoshi is Suki's lesbian aunt who owns and runs a self-defense training center because I said so. Suki's a part-time instructor there.
Please leave kudos and comments, as they are the fuel by which I live! And feel free to follow me on my tumblr thesailormichiru or pop me an ask!
Chapter 3: knife boy and shrek's armpit girl
zuko and katara discover soulless children's toys. zuko's sense of humor does not improve.
Normal is Zuko.
Bold is Katara.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
(11: 00 AM) what the fuck is an lol doll
(11:05 AM) uhhhhh
(11:06 AM) one of the kids I babysit has one
(11:06 AM) it’s like all the rage with kids rn
(11:07 AM) it’s ugly as shit
(11:08 AM) what kinda colors are these
(11:09 AM) i’m sure they’re pretty enough for little kids
(11:10 AM) not to judge you and your manliness or anything, but why are you looking at LOL dolls on a saturday morning
(11:11 AM) do you collect dolls. do you have a blog about it. are you gonna start lol doll discourse
(11:15 AM) har har
(11:16 AM) it’s my sister’s birthday this week and idk what to get her
(11:17 AM) I’ve been googling “little girl toys”
(11:18 AM) aww
(11:19 AM) how old is she?
(11:20 AM) she’s turning five on tuesday
(11:21 AM) AWWWW!!!! CUTE!!!
(11:22 AM) have you maybe tried narrowing down her interests?
(11:23 AM) her interests are always changing
(11:24 AM) last week it was that ladybug shit
(11:25 AM) before that paw patrol
(11:26 AM) I’m not taking any chances
(11:27 AM) she likes dolls
(11:28 AM) I guess LOL dolls are a good place to start then
(11:29 AM) you babysit?
(11:30 AM) i’m the oldest girl in the neighborhood + I have a reputation for being responsible so all the moms pay me to watch their kids
(11:32 AM) ngl that sounds like it sucks
(11:31 AM) it’s a hustle so I’m not complaining. The kids are cute too
(11:32 AM) sometimes my friend aang shows up and helps, kids love him
(11:33 AM) he brings his giant fluffy dog and the kids just spend the whole time petting him. I barely do anything
(11:35 AM) alrighty then. cute mental picture
(11:36 AM) I can’t imagine tbh I kinda like suck with kids that aren’t my sister
(11:37 AM) I get nervous that they don’t like me
(11:37 AM) one time my mom made me watch one of her gardening club friends’ kid and I gave him a knife
(11:39 AM) ZUKO!!!!! A KNIFE????
(11:40 AM) to be fair he wasn’t that young
(11:41 AM) he was like. 11
(11:42 AM) I was playing with knives at 11 and I turned out fine
(11:43 AM) …
(11:44 AM) stop JUDGING
(11:45 AM) he didn’t even get hurt
(11:45 AM) Mental Note: Never Leave Zuko Alone with A Child
(11:46 AM) I’d be hella concerned if you left a child alone with some random guy you met on the internet
(11:47 AM) like that’s on you
(11:47 AM) semantics
(11:49 AM) another time I lost my ex’s brother at the park
(11:49 AM) some other kids found him and literally wanted us to pay them ten dollars so we could get him back
(11:50 AM) legit extortion
(11:50 AM) is that why your ex broke up with you? I hope it is
(11:51 AM) who said that she’s the one who broke up with me
(11:52 AM) ah, jeez, sorry
(11:53 AM) I mean, you’re right, but whatever
(11:54 AM) that’s not when we broke up
(11:55 AM) alright then.
(11:57 AM) um. anyway
(11:58 AM) those kids were messed UP
(11:59 AM) who taught them that???
(12:00 PM) I don’t even know
(12:00 PM) neither of us had ten dollars so we called my sister to come and scare them into giving us the kid back
(12:01 PM) your…five year old sister
(12:02 PM) wow, zuko. wow
(12:03 PM) you couldn’t have just scared them yourself???
(12:05 PM) FIRST OF ALL
(12:06 PM) I have two sisters
(12:06 PM) one is almost five and the other is currently sixteen
(12:07 PM) SECOND OF ALL
(12:07 PM) children mock me
(12:08 PM) THIRD OF ALL
(12:09 PM) you have not met azula. she’s an eldritch horror and she’s the most annoying person on earth
(12:10 PM) “children mock me”
(12:11 PM) i’m learning so many fun things about you today, zuko
(12:11 PM) one day I’m gonna dig up some embarrassing shit about you
(12:12 PM) this relationship is too imbalanced
(12:13 PM) I don’t even know why I told you all of this
(12:14 PM) at least you’re not the one who screamed at a random stranger that the bathroom smelled like shrek’s armpits
(12:15 PM) true, true
(12:16 PM) still. You’re all dignified medical student responsible babysitter and I’m here telling you about lol dolls and my tumblr discourse
(12:17 PM) idk what to say. I’m a dignified person
(12:18 PM) we’ll see about that
(12:19 PM) one day I WILL embarrass you, katara
(12:20 PM) I think you’ve done enough embarrassing for one day, buddy
(12:20 PM) ouch
(12:25 PM) what the fuck. 32 DOLLARS???????? FOR THIS UGLY ASS PLASTIC DOLL??????
(12:26 PM) it doesn’t even have real hair or anything
(12:27 PM) JEEZ
(12:27 PM) are you sure you’re not looking at like a playset or something
(12:28 PM) no this is just the doll
(12:29 PM) the playsets are in like. 50s and 60s categories.
(12:30 PM) this isn’t even taking into consideration the OMG dolls, which are like the tall versions
(12:31 PM) that’s capitalism for you
(12:32 PM) I mean, maybe dolls are not the way. I heard they teach girls to have false expectations about body image
(12:32 PM) fuck this
(12:33 PM) they’re ugly as hell anyway
(12:34 PM) why don’t you ask azula what she’s getting?
(12:35 PM) azula got her like, those dr pepper flavored lip balm things, and a lighter
(12:36 PM) ….a lighter
(12:37 PM) azula loved setting shit on fire when we were kids
(12:38 PM) like I said, eldritch horror
(12:38 PM) also she’s trying to piss our mom off
(12:39 PM) sounds complicated
(12:40 PM) lmaooo
(12:41 PM) understatement of the century
(12:42 PM) you gotta unlock level 5 friendship for me to tell you about azula vs mom: civil war though
(12:43 PM) my mom’s gonna confiscate it anyway so no harm done
(12:45 PM) I’m scrolling through popular toys rn
(12:46 PM) what the fuck
(12:47 PM) POOPSIE??
(12:49 PM) WHAT?????????????????
(12:48 PM) it’s….this toy where you make like. Multicolored poop shaped keychains….out of slime??? What…
(12:49 PM) there’s this…unicorn with diapers on
(12:50 PM) …
(12:51 PM) that’s kinda fucked up
(12:52 PM) tell me about it
(12:53 PM) HELPPPPPPPPPPP LOOK AT THESE VARIETIES
(12:54 PM) Attached: 1 image
(12:56 PM) ???!?!??!???!??!?!???!??@??!>?!?!?@<@KLMDJNJSNdOSK@P:LW<?@@MDSMcd
(12:57 PM) YOU STILL ALIVE???
(12:58 PM) I WISH I WASN’T????
(12:59 PM) tag yourself I’m “caca corgi”
(1:00 PM) I’m “the hunk”
(1:01 PM) the way they made a bunch of knockoff poopified brands
(1:02 PM) words cannot describe how much I hate this
(1:02 PM) they made…glittery, cute, poop and are selling it to kids for 25 dollars
(1:03 PM) “del farto”
(1:04 PM) I hope it doesn’t actually smell like poop
(1:05 PM) that would be a SHIT gift
(1:06 PM) :D amirite
(1:08 PM) you just made it worse.
(1:09 PM) come on, it’s funny
(1:10 PM) I bet you’re laughing, you STINKER
(1:11 PM) hehe
(1:11 PM) zuko, if you keep making poop and fart themed jokes I’m gonna block you
(1:12 PM) :(
(1:13 PM) FINE
(1:14 PM) party pooper
(1:14 PM) NO I DIDN’T MEAN THAT ONEE I PORMISE
(1:15 PM) you’re such a dork!!!!!!!!
(1:16 PM) this is just so. weird
(1:17 PM) no wonder kids these days are so fucked up
(1:18 PM) idk tbh like…gross humor and slime and poop and fart jokes and stuff have been marketed to kids for as long as I can remember
(1:19 PM) I remember I had a bunch of those yuk yuks kid magazines where it was just page after page of fart and booger joke comics
(1:21 PM) you’re right
(1:22 PM) sokka loved that stuff
(1:22 PM) he’d drive me crazy with those “gross humor” jokes he read
(1:23 PM) still does, actually, and way less funny than you, which should be humanly impossible
(1:24 PM) gonna join forces with sokka and advocate for you to stop oppressing us so we can make all the poop jokes we want
(1:25 PM) do that and i’m gonna get azula to set you on fire with your sister’s new lighter
(1:26 PM) “kids these days are so fucked up” says katara, while threatening to commit arson
(1:27 PM) or like accessory to arson or whatever
(1:28 PM) anyway, bold fucking talk from the shrek’s armpit girl
(1:29 PM) don’t throw stones when you have a glass house, knife boy
(1:30 PM) enjoying that one, aren’t you
(1:31 PM) that sounds like the world’s worst low-budget ripoff of sharkboy and lavagirl
(1:32 PM) “knife boy and shrek’s armpit girl”
(1:33 PM) LMAOOOOOOOOOOO
(1:34 PM) I don’t even want to THINK about shrek’s armpit girl’s powers
(1:35 PM) they’re probably like, super interesting. Like, they have layers to them. heh
(1:36 PM) for fuck’s sake, zuko!
(1:37 PM) >:(
(1:38 PM) ughhhhhh I don’t want to get my sweet little sister a fucking POOP KEYCHAIN
(1:38 PM) or worse, the Bad Vibes Diapered Unicorn
(1:39 PM) gonna go to the mall and try my luck there
(1:40 PM) you’ll think of something, I’m sure
(1:41 PM) for what it’s worth, you obviously care about her, at least enough to be agonizing this much about what you’ll get her
(1:41 PM) a lot of people would just grab the first vaguely pink box they’d see on the shelf and call it a day
(1:43 PM) thanks?
(1:44 PM) that made me feel oddly confident
(1:44 PM) you’d be a good motivational speaker
(1:45 PM) aw, you
(1:46 PM) try to think constructively. Think of something that would benefit her long-term
(1:47 PM) but not, like, boring
(1:48 PM) thanks for the tip
(1:49 PM) I’ve got some half-baked ideas in the works
(1:50 PM) I’ll let you know what I decide on
(1:51 PM) I’d love to hear it.
(1:52 PM) wow. we’ve been talking for like…3 hours
(1:53 PM) !!
(1:54 PM) sorry if I kept you from something with my weird toy explorations
(1:55 PM) no, I enjoyed it!! I really like talking to you, knife boy :D
(1:56 PM) time seems to really fly by when we talk
(1:57 PM) yeah, it does, huh
(1:58 PM) I like talking to you too
(1:59 PM) I gotta go to the mall, though, so uh. Talk later?
(2:00 PM) alright, cool. i’ve got stuff to do too.
(2:01 PM) kiss a poopsie for me.
(2:02 PM) sure thing, CACAtara.
(2:03 PM) dude, fuck you
(2:04 PM) HEH
First of all: thank you all SO MUCH for all the lovely comments! I'm sorry it took a while to answer them: I'm a design student, and this week was absolute torture in terms of submissions. I'm a bit freer now, though, so I'll hopefully be posting more regularly (I know there was a bit of a wait for this chapter).
Second of all: I apologize, so much, on Zuko's behalf.
Third of all: I did real research for the toys! Partially because I needed to get a similar present for my cousin. I ended up getting her a nice book, though.
Fourth of all: The younger sister is Kiyi, for those who were confused. For those who don't know, Kiyi is a real character in the post-canon Avatar comics.
Chapter 4: weddings ft. paul rudd
Normal is Zuko.
Bold is Katara.
Underlined Italics is Toph.
Underlined is Iroh.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
(7:15 PM) hey bitch
(7:20 PM) hello, toph
(7:25 PM) you free on friday night?
(7:26 PM) don’t say no I know you’re lying
(8:35 PM) bitch don’t ghost me!!! the fuck
(8:40 PM) some of us have work, you know
(8:41 PM) not all of us get five hundred dollars in allowance a month from their millionaire parents
(8:42 PM) that’s super rich coming from you, sozin
(8:43 PM) heh, no pun intended
(8:44 PM) and don’t call that messing around at the tea shop work
(8:25 PM) old man would literally pay you for breathing
(8:45 PM) I work!!!
(8:45 PM) but also, touche about uncle
(8:47 PM) you haven’t answered my question
(9:00 PM) BITCH! I TOLD YOU NOT TO GHOST ME!
(9:15 PM) SPIRITS, TOPH, I TOLD YOU I’M WORKING
(9:15 PM) we’re closing in 45 minutes. i’ll text you then, you little asshole
(9:20 PM) you better.
(10:00 PM) WELL????????? ARE YOU FREE ON FRIDAY OR NOT?
(10:15 PM) alright, alright, we’re done. we’re closed.
(10:16 PM) 3 HOURS! 3 HOURS TO GET A SIMPLE ANSWER TO MY QUESTION WHICH YOU STILL HAVE NOT ANSWERED
(10:17 PM) what if I wasn’t free on friday night
(10:18 PM) what if I had other plans
(10:20 PM) with who??? kiera knightley???? kiyi’s barbie movie collection??? ur mom’s abnormally large cabbages???
(10:21 PM) har har
(10:22 PM) I have friends besides you, you know
(10:23 PM) who???
(10:24 PM) like idk
(10:25 PM) chan and ruon-jian
(10:26 PM) LMAOOOOOOOO
(10:27 PM) chan? chan who invites you to parties so azula can come chan? who won’t understand that she kissed him that one time because of comphet, chan?
(10:28 PM) what could y’all possibly do together friday night
(10:29 PM) I’m imagining you watching the crown while chan and ruon-jian do a keg stand or some shit
(10:30 PM) what’s your point, toph.
(10:33 PM) dude, relax, i’m just kidding
(10:37 PM) I’m not mad.
(10:39 PM) no, you are, I was just kidding
(10:40 PM) you don’t need to have a fuckton of dumb high school friends to be cool
(10:41 PM) I like you the way you are
(10:45 PM) okay. thanks
(10:46 PM) oddly heartfelt moment we just had there
(10:47 PM) yeah it’s disgusting
(10:48 PM) answer the goddamn question, zuko
(10:49 PM) sorry
(10:49 PM) I am free on Friday night but it depends on what you want me to do
(10:50 PM) nothing crazy. for real this time
(10:51 PM) it’s not crazy like last time, don’t worry, we won’t have another heist
(10:52 PM) my cousin ming’s getting married and I have to go to the massively dumb wedding
(10:53 PM) I tried to get out of it but my parents got pissy
(10:54 PM) my mom said I could bring a friend though and it wouldn’t totally suck if you came
(10:55 PM) my parents like you, so that’s a bonus
(10:56 PM) I’m oddly touched
(10:57 PM) please come with me it will literally fucking suck so hard
(10:58 PM) there’s probably gonna be some like good food and stuff and we could leave early and go to mcdonald’s and do nuggetgate
(11:00 PM) nuggetgate is a tempting offer
(11:00 PM) i’m in
(11:01 PM) although you might’ve asked azula, she would have wanted to go for her like, social media shit
(11:02 PM) I hate to break it to you, zuko, but your sister’s a fucking asshole
(11:03 PM) like. not as much as she USED to be but spirits she’d be so unbearable at that wedding
(11:04 PM) she’d NETWORK
(11:05 PM) plus she’d try to find a way to sneak her minions in and blame it on me
(11:06 PM) AND NO NUGGETGATE!
(11:07 PM) yeah, true
(11:08 PM) alright when do I have to be ready
(11:09 PM) come over after school and we’ll figure it out from there
(11:10 PM) cool
(11:12 PM) oh and can you ask uncle if he’s coming
(11:13 PM) he’s probably invited
(11:14 PM) sure
(12:00 AM) agreeing to being a babysitter has been the worst decision of my life.
(12:01 AM) i really hope you aren’t babysitting right this second
(12:02 AM) no, thank tui and la
(12:02 AM) also, sorry for texting you so late! I hope i didn’t wake you or something
(12:03 AM) you didn’t! i’m watching netflix wide awake
(12:04 AM) I thought you liked kids?
(12:05 AM) I do, but not enough to watch 4-5 in one day, PLUS an enormous dog
(12:06 PM) ALONE?
(12:07 PM) YES!
(12:08 PM) that has to be some level of illegal
(12:09 PM) they gave me the number of some lady I could call if there was an emergency but like…no. never agreeing to this again. implementing a two child maximum rule from now on
(12:10 PM) I have never been more tired in my life
(12:10 PM) and when I got home, I had to study for my AP Bio test so like…
(12:11 PM) you’re a hero
(12:12 PM) that’s straight up. workplace abuse
(12:14 PM) they better have paid you right
(12:16 PM) to be fair, they really paid me a lot, and they DID warn me it would get hectic
(12:17 PM) what they did not tell me is that I would be preventing a war among the neighborhood’s children
(12:18 PM) what do they even fight about??? what conflict could they possibly have in their suburban lives??
(12:19 PM) this kid kuvira across the street apparently taunted my kids by telling them she was gonna take over their yard
(12:20 PM) they all went to beat her up and I had to physically pull one of the kids off of her
(12:21 PM) that was only one of the day’s many battles. earlier, a little boy named mako and the girl who beat up kuvira (her name is korra) got into a fight about who would get to marry another little girl named asami
(12:22 PM) asami and korra (now married) then got into a fight about who would feed the dog and, to my horror, mako and his brother (bolin) took sides
(12:23 PM) bolin then asked me to marry him and cried when I said I had to ask my dad first
(12:25 PM) poor bolin.
(12:26 PM) POOR KATARA!
(12:27 PM) so how was your day?
(12:29 PM) pretty normal, as tuesdays go
(12:30 PM) apparently I’m going to a wedding on Friday so I gotta figure out what I’m gonna wear
(12:31 PM) is it a relative?
(12:32 PM) friend’s relative, she wants me to come so she won’t get bored
(12:33 PM) her family’s rich as FUCK and she absolutely hates it
(12:34 PM) what, like, Beifong-level rich?
(12:35 PM) heh, it’s funny that you say that, actually,
(12:36 PM) WHAT???????
(12:37 PM) YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH???? A BEIFONG????
(12:38 PM) OWNERS OF ONE OF THE WORLD’S BIGGEST CONSTRUCTION CONGLOMERATES BEIFONG??????
(12:40 PM) we grew up together and we go to the same school, yes
(12:41 PM) I think one of my distant cousins married into them at some point
(12:41 PM) ZUKO!
(12:42 PM) I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!
(12:43 PM) why are you freaking out like this?????
(12:45 PM) alright, alright, I’ll stop freaking out over you casually being friends with one of the literal richest families on the planet
(12:46 PM) not to sound weird but like if you go to school together then you’re rich too?
(12:47 PM) please tell me you’re not related to like…the windsors, or something
(12:49 PM) NO LMAO
(12:50 PM) it’s complicated
(12:51 PM) my dad’s side of the family is descended, distantly, from old fire nation royalty or some shit like that
(12:51 PM) the family business is, um, lucrative
(12:52 PM) used to be, anyway
(12:53 PM) not really sure what exactly we do/did. i think it’s the mafia or something
(12:54 PM) …
(12:55 PM) I’m KIDDING
(12:56 PM) we’re in the natural gas industry
(12:58 PM) OKAY LMAOOO
(12:59 PM) you had me for a second there
(1:00 AM) lmaoo
(1:01 AM) you think I’d just TELL you if my dad’s side of the family was the mafia?
(1:02 AM) I mean, it’s already established that you are, and I quote, “such shit at internet security”
(1:03 AM) …true
(1:04 AM) also, um, that industry really might as well be the mafia lol
(1:05 AM) for all the harm it causes
(1:06 AM) no offense
(1:07 AM) none taken, you’re absolutely right
(1:08 AM) it’s why my uncle left the business, actually
(1:09 AM) among other reasons
(1:10 AM) I keep liking your uncle more and more
(1:11 AM) I get the feeling he’d like you too
(1:11 AM) so your dad runs the company?
(1:15 AM) no
(1:16 AM) right now some asshole named zhao is running it until my sister’s ready
(1:17 AM) I’m, um. written out of the will. which is good because I don’t want it.
(1:18 AM) that sounds kind of shitty.
(1:18 AM) it is
(1:19 AM) can we talk about something else?
(1:19 AM) of course!
(1:20 AM) so what about your marginally more normal family
(1:21 AM) I wouldn’t call us normal per se
(1:22 AM) it’s me and my dad and my brother, and my gran-gran and our step-grandpa
(1:23 AM) who my brother calls grampakku (his name is pakku)
(1:24 AM) my dad travels a lot so gran-gran basically raised us
(1:25 AM) we’re from the southern water tribe
(1:26 AM) really?? I’ve never met anyone from there
(1:27 AM) I hear it’s super beautiful
(1:28 AM) absolutely is, and more beautiful than you’ve heard, probably
(1:29 AM) when we used to live there I really loved waking up at dawn and seeing how the sunlight would reflect on the snow
(1:30 AM) it’s a whole other world, really
(1:31 AM) wow
(1:32 AM) and the snow’s just there all year?
(1:33 AM) yup
(1:34 AM) actually, when sokka and I first came to ba sing se we were so confused like
(1:35 AM) the ground felt kind of naked without it?
(1:36 AM) still kind of does
(1:37 AM) the winters here are kind of laughable lol
(1:38 AM) it probably is for you lmao
(1:39 AM) do you guys not bother with scarves and stuff?
(1:40 AM) we’re not really as affected but we still do wear heavier clothes in the winter here lol, especially as we got more used to earth kingdom weather
(1:41 AM) except sokka, he wears the same like, six t-shirts and shorts year-round
(1:42 AM) oh, he’s THAT guy
(1:43 AM) YEAH HAHA
(1:44 AM) I think it’s less his tolerance for the cold and more that he’s a showoff lol
(1:45 AM) he and our friend aang are like that
(1:46 AM) aang goes on jogs shirtless in the middle of january
(1:47 AM) that feels…dangerous
(1:48 AM) I would agree, but aang is freakishly healthy and fit
(1:49 AM) he’s training to be an Olympic gymnast
(1:50 AM) he’s also vegetarian and does a bunch of different martial arts
(1:51 AM) remind me to never get in a fight with your superhuman vegetarian Olympic gymnast friend
(1:52 AM) no danger there, aang is the sweetest person in the world
(1:53 AM) he is deceivingly small, but he absolutely could fucking deck a person if he wanted to but he’d just choose not to bc he’s an air nomad and believes in non-violence and is also very huggable
(1:54 AM) if there’s anyone you should be afraid of it’s my friend suki, who has trained in martial arts since she was literally an infant by her terrifying aunt
(1:55 AM) she’s not an air nomad and she gives no fucks
(1:56 AM) you should also fear me, but that’s a given
(1:57 AM) of course, who could forget
(1:58 AM) nothing scary about sokka?
(1:59 AM) his internet history
(2:00 AM) HA
(2:01 AM) YOU’RE DOING HIM SO DIRTY LMAO
(2:02 AM) he does it to himself
(2:03 AM) today he was wearing a gray shirt and he called it “dark white”
(2:04 AM) we argued the entire way to school and then we had to make suki decide
(2:05 AM) then he threw a whole tantrum when suki, like a normal person, said “gray” and he said feminists were ruining color
(2:06 AM) so suki had to deck him
(2:07 AM) …
(2:08 AM) don’t tell me he’s, like. you know. a reddit incel or something
(2:09 AM) oh, no, no.
(2:10 AM) no, most of the things along those lines he says are just jokes to rile suki up. they’ve been flirting for the longest fucking time and neither of them will make a move OR take a hint
(2:11 AM) he used to be kind of an ass about feminism and the like when we were younger, especially when it came to me, but he grew out of it
(2:12 AM) he definitely never reached incel level, though, I would never let him
(2:12 AM) that’s good
(2:13 AM) everyone’s been through their asshole phase. I know I have
(2:14 AM) et tu, zuko?
(2:15 AM) not in that particular direction
(2:16 AM) but I had a lot of anger issues and I was generally pretty terrible to a lot of people I care about
(2:17 AM) mostly uncle, who was by no means obligated to deal with my shit but still dealt with it anyway
(2:18 AM) that’s love, I guess. people who love you at your best will love you at your worst.
(2:19 AM) I mean. I was an asshole too at some point
(2:20 AM) I took my mom’s passing really badly for YEARS and sokka got the brunt of it
(2:21 AM) one time I yelled that he didn’t love her like I did, which is massively hurtful and unfair
(2:22 AM) he forgave me after, like, ten minutes, even though I really crossed the line
(2:23 AM) I’m really sorry about your mom. You must’ve been close.
(2:24 AM) We were really close. But it’s alright. still hurts, but, well. I’ve come to terms with it.
(2:25 AM) I’m glad you did. And I’m glad you had Sokka.
(2:26 AM) yeah, me too.
(2:27 AM) this got weirdly personal, lol
(2:28 AM) right, sorry
(2:29 AM) its late and I spill stuff a lot when its late lol
(2:30 AM) sorry if I made you uncomfortable
(2:31 AM) absolutely not! I’m the one who kept asking questions
(2:32 AM) it feels easy to talk to you about stuff like that, anyway
(2:33 AM) probably because we haven’t really been friends the traditional way, lol
(2:34 AM) haha, yeah
(2:35 AM) I’m glad we’re friends too.
(2:36 AM) most of my friends and family (asides from uncle) aren’t really the touchy-feely type
(2:37 AM) not that you are
(2:38 AM) but we’re not really the type to talk about feelings or I’m not comfortable talking to them about it
(2:39 AM) like my friend ty lee is super into auras and stuff and she’s always encouraging us to be more open, but like, she tells azula and mai (my ex, and their other best friend) everything, so that’s a no from me
(2:40 AM) I guess it’s similar for me.
(2:41 AM) sokka and dad don’t really talk about their emotions because they’re Manly Men™
(2:42 AM) aang is very in touch with his emotions but sometimes he gets frustrated when people don’t process their feelings with the same ease that he does. I love him very much but he can get a little self-righteous sometimes
(2:43 AM) I guess I can always talk to gran-gran, but sometimes I just don’t want to burden her
(2:44 AM) I can get that
(2:45 AM) sometimes you feel that you should just deal with it yourself even if it’s not the healthiest thing in the world
(2:46 AM) yeah, exactly
(2:47 AM) I guess I don’t like making others worry about me
(2:28 AM) yeah.
(2:29 AM) well. look at us.
(2:31 AM) HAHAHAHA
(2:32 AM) we really had a whole therapy session at, like, 2 AM
(2:33 AM) you know what they say. nothing like a late night conversation to work through your repressed trauma
(2:36 AM) Psychologists Hate Her! Find Out Katara’s Secret to Bottling Up Her Emotions!
(2:37 AM) LMAOOOO
(2:38 AM) shit, it really is almost 3
(2:39 AM) WAIT. YOU HAVE AN AP BIO TEST TOMORROW
(2:40 AM) hey, it’s okay!!! I’ve taken tests on less sleep.
(2:41 AM) I command you to go to sleep.
(2:42 AM) alright, alright, your royal highness
(2:43 AM) your royal highness?
(2:45 AM) you mentioned fire nation royalty >:D
(2:46 AM) which i now regret. deeply.
(2:47 AM) no takebacks
(2:48 AM) alright, I’ll be getting to sleep now. goodnight, zuko :)
(2:49 AM) goodnight, katara :)
(11:00 AM) hey, uncle, are you going to ming beifong’s wedding this friday?
(11:15 AM) Hello, Zuko. Yes, I Shall Be Going To The Wedding.
(11:18 AM) It Seems Only Yesterday That Young Ming Had Been Learning To Read. How Time Flies!
(11:19 AM) Are You Invited? I Did Not Know You And Ming Were Acquainted.
(11:28 AM) we’re not, i’m going as toph’s plus one
(11:33 AM) I See, How Lovely. Make Sure To Wear Your Absolute Best, As The Beifongs Are Very Sensitive About These Things.
(11:34 AM) We Don’t Want A Repeat Of The Heist.
(11:35 AM) of course, of course
(11:36 AM) It Will Be A Very Enjoyable Wedding! I Am Looking Forward To Seeing You and Toph There.
(11:38 AM) same, it’ll be fun :)
(11:40 AM) uncle’s coming to the wedding
(11:45 AM) fuck YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
OOP. Sorry for the space between updates :( I'm kind of dividing time between this fic and my other, more serious fic, so. well. I'll try to keep up!!! Thank you so much to everyone for their absolutely lovely comments. They made my week!!
I got a little angsty here, but generally angst won't be, like, the norm. This is my fluff deposit, haha. I'll be getting into the some of the meatier stuff later, but like...yeah.
I am also thoroughly enjoying Toph, lol.
Please leave more comments and kudos!