Chapter Text
Jaemin knelt in front of the closet, holding the door open, and taking out one of his winter boots; his little hiding place. He stuck his hand down inside and pulled out a velvet jewelry box. On bad days, this box was the only thing that kept him okay.
What was held in there was far more precious than jewels.
He dumped out the contents and stared, at all 74 pills, and he breathed for the first time that day. They were a comfort item, lending him that light at the end of the tunnel; that the pain might end soon, if only he chose to take them.
Jaemin liked to count them. He liked lining them up in rows. It was calming, to have control in the literal palm of his hand. Life and death. Pain and relief. Jaemin wondered what it would be like to finally rest forever.
“Jaemin, angel bear; let’s put those away, ok?”
Jeno.
Jeno squatted in front of him, all cautious eyes as he carefully scooped up the pills, handing them off to…was that Renjun too? Jeno touched his cheek, gently directing his face away from Renjun’s hands. “What can we do?” he asked. “Is there anything we can do?”
Jaemin shrugged. Or, he meant to shrug. There was the intent, and then the realization there was no gas in the tank to perform. Sometimes movements were just too fucking hard.
Jeno sat down on the rug with him. “Nana, we’re here. We’re not gonna leave.”
Jaemin didn’t answer, eyes busy following Renjun’s cupped hands. “What’s he gonna do with them?” he whispered to Jeno. “He’s not gonna get rid of them, right?”
Jeno grimaced. “What else are we supposed to do?”
Jaemin’s eyes widened. “Please, no, no, no, I won’t take them, I promise. Could you please give them back? Please. I won’t survive without them.”
They looked at him with such pity in their eyes then. Jaemin couldn’t stand it. He broke eye contact.
“Nana, explain please,” Renjun said.
“I’m not crazy”
“I know. I know. I’m asking to try and understand. I’m trying to respect your needs, you know? But jesus, Jaemin. Pills? What’re we supposed to think?” Renjun asked.
Jaemin swallowed. “I don’t take them. They help me. Um… they’re like insurance; if everything goes wrong, they’re there for me. ... you don’t believe me.”
Jeno picked up one of Jaemin’s hands to hold. “We wanna believe you, Jaemin. We do. But it’s…hard to tell if you’re lying.”
“Please,” Jaemin said. “I-I just look at them. I’m not crazy. I’m not.”
“Do they help?” Renjun asked weakly.
“They do. So much.”
Renjun looked up at the ceiling, closing his eyes.
"…We’re trusting you with this, ok?”
Jaemin whined in relief.
“Don’t make me regret this, please.”
“I won't."
“Is there anything we can do? Anything,” Jeno said.
“Just… stay?” Jaemin asked. He was so tired.
“Of course, nana.” They stayed, sitting on the hallway floor in silence. Miserably, together. They settled around him.
It was easier when they were together.
“Do you promise not to take them?” Jeno asked, looking up at him with sheeny eyes.
Jaemin hesitated, and Jeno’s face crumpled.
“Nana, promise.”
“I-ok. I promise.”
Renjun took Jaemin’s other hand into his. “For real?” He asked, eyes piercing.
Jaemin slowly nodded. “I promise.”
“Ok.”
Some days, Jaemin felt treated with fairness, like an actual being with feelings.
Some days, he wasn’t a being.
----- ---- -----
“Don’t fucking touch me!”
“Jaemin, stop embarrassing me, you little shit. Start. Walking.”
“Why won’t you let me die?”
“Shut up. I’m not letting you jump off a bridge. Are you crazy? Momma will make everything okay, just come,” she said. There was a self-righteous look in her eyes that screamed ‘you’re crazy, you’re crazy, you’re crazy’. And Jaemin hated her.
“You’re not locking me up again,” Jaemin spat.
And his mother’s grip tightened. “Well obviously I’m not enough for you! Ungrateful brat. I hope you enjoy your vacation away from me.”
It wasn’t embarrassing, being dragged down the street by his mother.
He was too tired to care.
-
Some days, he wasn’t.
Jaemin rolled onto his back and sat up. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes, and oh.
The emptiness was his today. Some days, Jaemin wanted to die. Like a fog over his lake of emotions, it clouded over anything nice or even not-so-nice. All emotions and feelings just gone away. They had to be there somewhere there, right? Somewhere behind the clouds.
Jaemin settled himself back down and cuddled into Renjun’s back, wrapping Jeno’s arms around himself again.
Jeno let out a sleepy laugh from behind him. “Back to cuddles?”
“Back to cuddles,” Jaemin said.
“Mm.” Jeno tugged him a little closer. “Love you.”
Jaemin blinked, hard. “Love you.
"… Jeno?"
Jeno hummed.
“Jeno… it’s a foggy day," Jaemin whispered.
“How foggy?” Jeno asked, softly tucking a hand under Jaemin’s shirt. He rubbed his tummy comfortingly, encouraging Jaemin to talk.
Jaemin bit his lip, squeezing his eyes shut. “Forecast says it’s not bad, but… forecast tends to lie.”
“Should I listen to the forecast then?”
“… not today,” he said quietly.
“Shall we take care of the weatherman today?”
Jaemin curled into himself, embarrassed. “Only if you want to brave the weather.”
Jeno hugged Jaemin a little tighter. “Of course I do. I don’t mind a little rain.”
“… what if it’s a big storm?”
“Then it’s a big storm. And the weatherman will need to be properly protected," Jeno said.
"We’ll protect you, my brave, brave weatherman.”
“I swear your weather metaphors are the cutest thing I’ve heard in my entire life,” Renjun’s scratchy voice said from underneath a pillow. He shifted around, turning towards them, and throwing a leg over Jaemin’s hip.
Jeno smiled softly. “Morning, honeybee. Today’s gonna be foggy.”
Renjun took the pillow off his head. “Ok. We’ll be ok," he said, patting Jaemin’s head. "Keep enduring, nana. We’ll protect you the best we can, ok? What’s going to be the plan for today?”
“Let’s get breakfast? And then maybe you guys could go on a walk together, for exercise. Get some serotonin pumping through your veins. Does that sound good, Nana?”
Jaemin nodded.
“Ok,” Renjun agreed easily “What do we want to eat today? Cereal? Cereal sounds nice.”
“Cereal it is. Ready nana?” Jeno asked sleepily, getting up.
“For what?-” Jaemin let out an undignified squawk as Jeno scooped him up into his arms.
“Can I carry you to the table?” he asked.
“A-alright.”
“Let’s go meet Renjun,” Jeno said, standing up off the bed. “Renjun, coming!”
“Yea, yea,” Renjun called from the kitchen. “Just hurry up!”
Jaemin mumbled something into Jeno’s shoulder.
“Sorry love, can you say it again?”
“Thank you,” Jaemin said quickly, hiding his face in Jeno’s shoulder again soonafter.
“Of course, nana,” Jeno said, pulling his chair out from under the table. He sat down, adjusting Jaemin so he was sitting on top of his lap.
Renjun set down three bowls of reese’s puffs.
“Thank you for getting the food, sunshine,” Jeno said, giving him a bright smile.
Renjun rolled his eyes good-naturedly “Yea. Sure thing.”
Jeno gathered some puffs in his spoon and held it in front of Jaemin’s mouth. “Say ah.”
Jaemin flushed, but opened his mouth to be fed. “Ah.”
Renjun reached across the table to grab Jaemin’s hand. “We’ll take care of you, dearest. Alright?”
“Mhm.”
“Just keep enduring.”
Jaemin nodded, with a sigh. Enduring was so tiring, but he wasn't alone anymore.
-
He was getting discharged today. Jaemin choked on his own spit when he saw them waiting outside his mom’s car; Renjun practically vibrating out of his skin next to Jeno. When he noticed Jaemin, his whole face lit up. “Hi! Oh my gosh, you’re out! Jeno, he’s out!”
Jeno ran to Jaemin, almost knocking them both over with the force of the hug he attacked Jaemin with. Jaemin slowly lifted his arms to hug back.
“I missed you,” Jeno said, squeezing Jaemin tightly. “They didn’t even let us call you.”
“Yea. It was stupid,” Renjun grumbled. He snuck into the hug and peered up at Jaemin. “I missed you, snowflake.”
“I, um. I missed you guys too,” Jaemin said, stumbling for a moment before he was able to reset the smile into his voice.
Renjun looked, gentle. “Nana. It’s ok. Remember?”
Jaemin deflated.
“I did miss you guys.”
“I know,” Renjun said, putting their foreheads together. “You don’t have to hide is all I meant.”
Jaemin whined. “Why’d you have to come pick me up from the loony bin though? This is so... embarrassing.”
“We love all of your parts, nana. Even the unstable ones. Unconditionally.” Jeno said, voice with only sincerity.
Jaemin’s vision swam, and he was quick to blink his eyelashes back into commission. “Well, I love you too.”
Jeno patted his back twice before pulling. He started back to the car, and they followed.