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Into The Spider-House

Summary:

Peni has built the spider-fam a house in a world hidden between all their dimensions, and invited them to live in it together! A fic all about domestic fluff and the weird and wonderful mundane drama that happens when the spider-people aren't on duty. (May contain occasional light-hearted crimefighting!)

Notes:

I was browsing pixiv for Spider-Verse art and came across just the most adorable comic where the whole spider-fam live together in one house. It was the most fluffy and ridiculous thing ever, and so I just knew I had to write a story using that concept! Here's a link to the art (the entire set of 50 images is simply amazing I spent ages just staring at them): https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/78960474

This is gonna be an ongoing story where I write any fluffy ideas I get based around this 'all the fam in one house' concept. I don't know exactly how frequently I'll be updating, but I'm gonna work on this when I'm taking a break from working on my Peni Parker 'Tales from the Peni-Verse' series.

There will be some Miles/Gwen in this story, but it's not gonna be the focus. Mostly it'll be on about the same level as the film until I have it properly fulfilled at some point in the story!

Anyway I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Chapter 1: A Home Away From Home

Chapter Text

When Peni messaged Miles to say that she had a surprise for everyone, he figured it'd be big. The last time she got the gang together was to hand out her custom made interdimensional communication devices. But there was big, and then there was, well…

"You built a house!?"

She smiled smugly, "An interdimensional house!"

The whole gang stared dumbfounded at the young genius. Peter B was the first to break the silence.

"How can a house be interdimensional? Do you mean that we can access it from all of our dimensions?"

"No, I mean that it's between dimensions."

"But it has to be somewhere."

"Technically it exists inside a quantum uncertainty space. Well, that's not true, but I think that's the easiest way to explain it without getting into a whole bunch of jargon."

Ham nodded sagely, "Don't worry Peni, I understand what you're talking about."

She looked pleasantly surprised, "Really?"

"Yeah!" he replied, "It's like those handbags they sell at Barns & Oatmeal. The ones you can fit a refrigerator in."

She smirked, "I think maybe I should just show you."

Pirouetting on her heelys and facing the wall, she tapped away at her interdimensional communicator. A few seconds later a glowing hole opened up in front of her to reveal a swirling ultramarine void. She looked over her shoulder with a huge grin on her face.

"Hop in!"

Peter B wasn't keen.

"Nuh-uh, no way kid, you are not-"

But before he could finish his sentence she'd been sucked into the abyss, along with her pet spider. Noir stepped forward.

"See ya on the other side, fellas."

Without even the slightest hesitation he strode through the vortex. Gwen was next.

"I don't know about you, but I wanna see that house."

Ham followed soon after, till only Miles and Peter were left.

"Do you think she's got interdimensional cable in there?" Miles asked, a twinkle in his eye.

Peter sighed, "I can't stop you, can I?"

"Nope."

"I always get seasick going through these damn things."

"Do you want a bag?"

"What, to throw up in?"

Miles smirked, "I'm just saying, man."

"Get in the portal."

"You mad?"

Peter plucked a coat off the hangar by his apartment door, "Let's go."

Miles had one foot in the vortex, "What're you bringing a coat for?"

"Rule number one of being Spider-Man: be prepared for anything."

"Tch! Where was rule number one back when we were storming Alchemax?"

"Just get in the damn thing already, before I push you in!"

"Yeah, yeah, old man."

"Hey! I'll have you know I'm in my prime! My prime!"

Miles laughed himself right through that swirling nightmare and into what could only be described as an airplane bathroom. Calling it compact would be an understatement. Still, everything in the room was white and shiny, perfectly clean. As he looked around he noticed the window next to the toilet had a shutter on it that was pulled down. Miles was tempted to lift it up and see what was on the other side, but he could hear the others having a good time just beyond the bathroom door.

Maybe just a lil' peek, he thought, reaching over to the shutter's handle. He gave it a gentle tug up, nudging it open ever so slightly, but he could barely see anything. He pulled again, and this time it came up about halfway. He couldn't believe his eyes.

"No way…"

Beyond the window was an ocean of darkness, peppered with a smattering of sparkling stars and glowing, multicolored rivers stretching into infinity in either direction.

"Wow."

It was breathtaking. Then Peter B fell into the room.

"Damn it!" he yelled as he tripped over the edge of the shower cubicle and smooshed Miles into the wall.

The others heard the commotion and came to the bathroom to greet them. They stared in through the open door.

"So, what do you think?" Peni asked innocently.

"I think," Miles replied, "you need a bigger bathroom."

The house was incredible. It was like one of those fancy mansions you see on those youtube videos showing off celebrity cribs. The living room, unlike the bathroom, was huge, with a big sofa, super wide screen TV, a bar, dining table and study desk hidden away in the corner. There was even a doorway to a balcony overlooking the star-studded abyss outside.

"It's not quite finished yet," Peni explained as she pulled out a tablet and changed the color of the stairs from light brown to pitch black, "but I've managed to stabilize this entire floor!"

Noir rapped his knuckles on the solid oak dining table, "Well it's a hell of a lot nicer than my place, Peni."

She paused, "About that…"

Miles took a seat next to Gwen on the sofa as Peni scooted over to Noir.

"I was thinking… maybe you guys… if you wanted to… you know, you could stay here? Maybe? On weekends or something, only if you wanted. It's probably a dumb idea-"

"It's not a dumb idea," said Peter B, going oooh as he discovered the freezer was stocked with a wide variety of microwave pizzas, "it's a crazy idea, but it's not a dumb idea."

Noir held his chin in his hands, "Is it safe?"

Peni nodded, "Totally! Even if reality collapsed, all that would happen is you'd be sent back to your own universes."

Ham hopped onto the table, "So we'll all be living here? Together?"

"I just thought, you know, as we're all so busy. I mean, it's been so long since we last met up face-to-face… if we lived together, we could see each other every day!"

Miles frowned, "I don't know if I could do every day… if the dorm manager found out I wasn't in my room-"

She grinned, "Already thought of that! All your room doors and doorbells connect to this universe. It's one-way, meaning randos can't accidentally walk into the house, but you can suddenly appear in your respective rooms whenever you want! It's all automatic too, so no need to worry about complicated controls or anything."

"I thought the communicators were cool," Gwen said, "but this is something else."

"So you'll do it!? You'll stay here!?"

"A little while can't hurt. Right guys?"

"You can count me in!" cheered Ham.

"Me too," added Noir.

"Me three," said Peter B.

Everyone looked at Miles.

"Sure, why not!"

And so it was decided. Everyone would move in to the interdimensional house - at least for the weekend.

Chapter 2: The Circle of Life

Summary:

It's everyone's first morning in the spider-house, and the spider-fam learn about each other's morning routines.

Notes:

Some slight Miles/Gwen in this one, but it's very slight. Also, remember that Noir Angst tag? Yeah, you got a bit of that too. I promise it's not too heavy though (and our boi gets all the power of friendship he needs).

Also I completely fudge it with regards to their sleeping habits in this chapter. I did put thought into who might sleep at what time, but it uh... it ended up being quite wild in terms of the variety of wake-up times. It's crazy but you know what? This story is crazy. Let's fudgin' party.

Chapter Text

It was just after 4am in the twilight zone of the interdimensional spider house, and Peter Porker was up bright and early. The house only had three bedrooms so far, so he'd offered to sleep in the master bedroom's walk-in closet. It wasn't big, but it did have a very comfy pile of fluffy pillows that was just what the doctor ordered for a tired pig with an achy lumbago. His roommate for the night, Peter B, was still sound asleep in bed, snoring like a farm tractor. Porker thanked the lord that his spider powers didn't include spider hearing and skipped out into the living room, where he found Peni was still awake.

"Hey Ham!" she smiled, tapping away at something only she could see.

Peter Porker, being an optimist by nature, chose to assume that she had in fact gone to bed last night.

"You're up early!"

That confused her, "Early? You mean late. You're up early."

"The early bird gets the worm! Or in this case, the first choice of microwave pizza."

She scratched the back of her head, "If we have any left."

"Excuse me?"

"Peter B ate a LOT of them last night."

"Oh he did, did he?"

"We've still got the ones with pineapple on if you want those."

Ham scrunched up his nose in disgust, "No thanks. I think I'll just have cereal like a normal pig."

"I wasn't sure what cereal to get, so I got a bunch of everything from all your universes."

Ham walked up to the bar/dining area, "I can't see any cupboards round here. Did you change the layout overnight or something?"

Peni stopped what she was doing and pointed to a door behind the bar, "The kitchen's through there, same as last night."

"Well now I feel like a real idiot."

Sure enough, behind the door was a cozy kitchen. Small for a human, but a perfect fit for a pig.

"Do you think Peter will still fit in here after all those pizzas?"

Peni laughed, "I'm gonna tell him you said that!"

The cupboards were full of cereal. Strangely, the more cereal boxes he pulled out, the more he seemed to find hidden at the back. They had Toasted Corn Flakes, Colonel Crunch, Coco Pops, Kangus (presumably named after the huge kangaroo on the box) and Chocolate UFO's.

"They're out of this world, huh?"

The UFOs interested him, and most importantly they looked sweet, so he grabbed a bowl and filled it up with chocolatey goodness. All he needed now was some milk. The refrigerator was much like the cupboards - no matter how much milk he took, more seemed to find its way into his line of sight.

How much pizza did B  eat  to leave only pineapple pizza behind?

Some questions weren't meant to be answered. He took his bowl and sat at the dining table, watching Peni work her magic. Now that he was looking over her shoulder he could see what she was typing on - some kind of virtual touchscreen.

As he started digging in to his breakfast Peni paused in her typing, "Ham, that smell…"

"I'm a pig, Peni. We naturally-"

"No, silly, the cereal!"

"Oh, this? It tastes good."

"It's my favorite. It's super duper chocolatey."

"Yeah I'm getting that impression," he replied as his milk turned a warm shade of brown.

It was now considerably past 4am. Ham put his spoon down for a moment and leaned his chin in his hands.

I can't just let Peni stay up this late, for her own sake. She's a growing girl. Sure, I used to stay up all night back before I became a pig, but that's different. Peni needs sleep. But I need to be delicate. It's not like I'm her father. Maybe Peter B could get away with being blunt, but I need to be the diplomat here. Okay, phrasing, how to phrase this. Hey Peni, I bet you'd be way more comfortable in bed! No, that's not right. Not even close. Maybe-

Suddenly Peni stood up and stretched her little arms out towards the ceiling. Her arachnid partner, SP//dr, tiptoed up to the top of her nose and gave it a friendly nibble.

"I'm gonna go sleep with Noir now."

Ham considered making a dirty joke, but then remembered that this fanfiction isn't post-watershed and the censors would absolutely axe his role and replace him with Ashton Kutcher if given the chance.

Unaware of the unspoken innuendo, his young friend ambled lazily across the room and up the stairs to Noir's bedroom.

Well that was easy.

He wasn't sure it was fair on Noir to have someone crawl into bed with him at nearly five in the morning, but as it was Peni, Noir probably wouldn't mind.

"The big galoot couldn't be angry at her even if he tried."

With a smile on his face, he picked up his spoon again and went back to chugging on through the cereal.

"I'm gonna have to take some of this with me when I go back."


Gwen woke up for the third time that night. The sound of laughter, muffled through the bedroom wall, floated up from the living room downstairs.

What time is it?

Her phone said it was 4.43am.

Great…

She never slept well in strange beds, and this one was especially strange because she was sharing it with Miles. At first he tried to give up the room for Gwen, let her have it to herself, but then she managed to convince him that if they just kept to opposite sides of the double bed, it wouldn't be awkward.

Reality disagreed. It'd been very awkward. It's not like she hadn't seen Miles in his PJs before, so why was it suddenly so different when you're sharing a bed together? She didn't have a crush on him or anything, or at least she didn't think she did. She felt like a middle-schooler. Then she remembered that Miles still was in middle-school.

Now I feel weird.

When did sleeping become so complicated? At least with punching bad guys you always knew where you stood. Not that things were simple back home. Juggling school and spider things was hard enough, but she also had to deal with being the drummer for The Mary Janes… sort of, when she had time to show up to practice with her band anyway.

Oh god, that's today, isn't it?

Just after lunch, in fact, and she'd have to make do with the hour or so of real sleep she'd managed to claw together out of all the tossing and turning. She rolled out of bed and onto her feet, unsteady, almost falling into the wall as she shuffled across the carpet.

Was the carpet this comfy last night?

Her mind wandered to sleepy thoughts of curling up on the carpet and slipping away into the world of dreams. Then the sound of an electric toothbrush stirred her from her reverie.

Just across the hall was a shared bathroom. It sat squarely between the room she'd been sleeping in, and Noir's room. Noir had almost given up his bed for her too, but she figured he of all people deserved a good night's rest. The tales she'd heard of his Manhattan apartment painted a grim picture. Only Peni had ever seen it in person, and only because she'd showed up uninvited.

Gwen walked through the half-open bedroom door, past a huge crack in the wall of the house (Peni did say it was still under construction) and into the needlessly small bathroom. There, standing in front of the mirror pulling a silly face at herself, was the genius who'd convinced them all to go ahead with this crazy plan.

"Gwey Gweb!" she called out through a mouthful of toothpaste, waving at Gwen's reflection in the mirror.

Gwen walked up to the sink and collected her toothbrush, "You're up early."

Peni spat out the toothpaste and rinsed her mouth, "Late. I always go to bed at around sunrise on weekends. Not that we have any sunshine here."

The swirling star-soaked void undulated ominously beyond the bathroom window. Gwen started brushing.

"I was just arranging the materials for the rest of the second floor," Peni continued, "the plans are there, but you've gotta make sure all the elements agree with each other, you know?"

Gwen wanted to ask what happens if they don't agree… but she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer.

"Anyway, I'm gonna get into bed with Noir now. Have a good morning Gwen!"

Unable to fire off the dirty quip that'd sprung into her mind at Peni's unintended double entendre, Gwen simply waved as the young girl skipped away to her shared bedroom. Turning back to the mirror, and immediately regretting it upon seeing the huge bags under her eyes, she swirled the remaining toothpaste around her mouth a couple more times then spat it out. It was minty fresh, but it still didn't make her any more awake.

Sure hope Peni has some bottles of Alligatorade lying around here.

She staggered down the stairs, expecting to be the only one awake, but to her surprise she found Peter Porker sitting at the bar, munching away happily at what looked like a bowl of cereal.

"Gwennie!" he said as she entered the living room, "Gwendolyne! Gwennevere!"

"No."

"Gwanda!"

"Double no."

She looked at the kitchen entrance behind the bar. Then she looked at the sofa.

Change of plan.

She walked over to the sofa, flopped onto its soft, cushion-y surface, and closed her eyes.

"Rough night?" asked Ham.

"Mhmm."

"You should try sleeping next to Peter B. The man's a portable airfield."

"No thanks. I'll take the sofa next time."

"Does Miles snore too?"

"Not exactly."

She listened to him crunching on the cereal. She ate so much pizza last night that she didn't expect to get hungry again till next year.

"I regret everything."

"Come on, it can't have been that bad."

"I have band practice today, in like… what's the time?"

"Morning 'o clock."

"Thanks. Real helpful."

"It's almost five"

"So in about eight hours then."

"You should take a nap."

"I should."

She could already feel herself drifting off. Somehow this sofa was the best bed she'd ever slept on. So soft. So comfy… so…

…so…


Noir woke up to the feeling of cool air on his face and warm arms round his neck. The realization that he wasn't alone sent him into a momentary panic. He stiffened, quickly scanned the room, readied himself for a fight.

Then he saw Peni sound asleep beside him. Her small breaths tickled the half-shaven hairs sprouting out of the bottom of his chin. He relaxed. That's right, he was in the strange place Peni had made for them, the place between dimensions. Despite his best intentions he'd fallen into a deep sleep, a sleep so complete that he hadn't even noticed her enter the room. She was literally snuggled up next to him, yet he hadn't stirred even once in the night.

Her pet, SP//dr, stared at him from atop her shoulder. It twiddled its forelegs, perhaps as a way of saying good morning, then it retreated into the tangled mess of Peni's hair.

Alright, time to get up.

He gently removed Peni's arms from his neck and slid out of bed. It was rare to see Peni so restful and still. The dim voidlight seeping in through the curtains gave her skin a pale glow in the shadowy bedroom. She looked like a porcelain doll, or an angel. Hard to believe that a girl so young could build a house out of thin air.

The future sure is something…

He grabbed his mask and goggles from the bedside table and pulled them over his face. It made the colors less irritating for his eyes, but mostly it just made him feel safer. It's like what people say about wristwatches - you feel naked without one.

Noir dragged on his well-worn (and mostly unwashed) clothes, opened the bedroom door and set one foot into the hallway. The house was silent. Not for the first time in his life, he found himself wishing he wore a wristwatch.

Not that it'd tell me the time in this place anyway.

However strange the world beyond the house's walls was, the home within them was truly warm and welcoming, small bathrooms aside. He adjusted his shirt and headed for the living room. Ham was sitting at the dining table next to the bar, reading a book.

"What time is it?" Noir asked gruffly.

The pig scowled at him and hissed, "Shh! Gwen's sleeping!"

"What?"

"On the couch!"

Noir looked to where Ham was pointing. Sure enough, Gwen was laid out on the couch, snoring into a (red? blue? maybe purple - he couldn't tell which) cushion. He walked behind the bar towards the kitchen door.

"I need a drink."

He heard Ham put down his book, "Beer? At this time of day?"

"No. An egg cream."

"Don't you need a machine to make those?"

"You don't need a machine if you know what you're doing."

Uninterested in explaining any further, Noir went through to the kitchen. Closing the door behind him he rifled through the cupboards and found a glass. Then he reached into his coat and pulled out a metal flask full of chocolate syrup.

"Can't beat the real thing."

He located a bottle of seltzer water and placed it down next to some freshly refrigerated milk. Then he unbottled his metal flask and poured its syrupy contents into the glass. After that he added the milk, stirring the two ingredients together till they were a warm grey color. Then finally came the soda water.

Let's see if I can get it to foam up.

He gave the bottle a little shake, then quickly unscrewed the lid and aimed it into the glass. It powered through the syrup-milk mixture and created a bubbly white foam. As soon as the drink reached the top of the glass Noir sealed the seltzer back up again before too much could spill.

Done.

Before enjoying his success he picked up a nearby kitchen towel and wiped down the worktop. When he was satisfied that he'd cleaned up his mess he opened the kitchen door and strode back out to the bar/dining area.

"Looks good," Ham commented, "mind making me one?"

Noir sat at the bar, "Once I've finished mine, sure."

"Take your time. It's not like I'm going anywhere."

Noir couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not. Choosing not to worry about it, he rolled his mask up to just over his nose and took a sip of his cool and chocolatey beverage.

He sighed with satisfaction, "You can't beat an egg cream."

Ham winked, "But you can whip it!"

"…huh?"

"Whipped cream? No? You beat an egg, whip cream, et cetera et cetera. It's a pun, Noir."

"I get it now."

"You aren't laughing."

"Takes a lot to make me laugh."

"One of these days you'll laugh at my jokes."

"I was gonna say 'when pigs fly', but…"

"Ha ha, very funny."


Miles' body was primed and ready to be up on time for school. This was unfortunate, because it was a Saturday, and he'd gone to bed sometime after 1am.

"Damn it!" he said as he realized that yes, he was about as awake as awake can get. He noticed that Gwen had already got up. His phone told him it was 8am sharp.

You gotta be kiddin' me.

But his body was dead serious, much as he wished otherwise, so he got out of bed and went to use the bathroom. Like the one downstairs, it was cramped but clean. You could say it was Peni sized, but then why only the bathrooms, why not the whole house? It's not like houses in her universe had tiny bathrooms. He'd seen her universe, the bathrooms were all perfectly normal.

Why am I sitting here thinking about bathrooms?

He definitely didn't get enough sleep. Nor did he, for that matter, get enough pizza last night either. Peter B and Gwen made sure of that.

I won't lose to them next time.

The spider-gang had never had a sleepover as a team before, so Miles didn't really know what to expect when he went downstairs to the living room. He wasn't surprised to see Noir was up. He wasn't especially surprised to see Ham was up. He was surprised to see Gwen sleeping on the couch.

"Is Gwen okay?" he asked.

"She didn't sleep well," Noir replied.

Ham quickly explained, "It's a strange bed, after all. You know how it is."

"Can't say I do."

Noir suddenly stood up, "Alright, time for me to go."

Miles frowned, "Where to?"

"Back to my world. Crime doesn't stop just cos it's the weekend."

He marched towards the front door, the door that would take them back to their respective rooms in their own universes. Ham trotted along behind him.

"Noir, we discussed this," he said, "even Spider-Man needs a day off sometimes."

"Not me. I'll see you later. Make sure B stays out of trouble, and save me some pizza - not the pineapple kind."

"Wait!"

Noir paused.

Ham grabbed the sleeve of his coat, "You can't just run off! What am I supposed to tell Peni?"

"…Tell her that I'll be back before dinner."

Then he opened the door, and ignoring Ham's protests, strode through to his own universe.

Ham sighed, "He's as dense as an Acme anvil."

"It's cool man, don't worry. At least now he can come back here when he's done, right? Better than that apartment of his."

"Much better. I think the only way this place could be improved would be to have egg cream on tap. Maybe I should suggest it to Peni."

"Tell her to do the same for Koca-Kola while you're at it."

Ham laughed, "I think I could get used to this life pretty quickly."

For the first time, it fully dawned on Miles that he was really here, living in the same house as all his spider friends. No need for secrets, no need to run around and hide. Everyone here understood who he was. He smiled.

"I dunno about you, but it already feels like home to me."

Ham patted him on the back, "Well said, brother! Now how's about we get you some breakfast?"

"Make mine pizza."

"Only got pineapple pizza left."

"I'll take it! All pizza is good pizza to me."

"I admire your bravery, kid. I'll be waiting right here with the cereal when you change your mind."

"Don't underestimate the power of my stomach."

"I wouldn't dream of it. After all, you learned from the best."

"The best?"


Peter B Parker didn't do mornings. He didn't really do afternoons, either. Nor was he especially good at evenings. But mornings, mornings were the worst thing in existence. They were god's punishment to human beings for fucking up relations with his favorite son.

"I feel sick."

There was no way around it: he ate too much pizza last night.

But it tasted so good.

He'd do it again if given the chance. He'd probably do it again tonight.

"Ugh…"

He rolled onto his side. Somehow that made the stomach pain worse. He farted. Once. Twice. He scratched his stubbled chin and it scratched him back.

Shaving. That's the other curse god inflicted on the Earth.

He sat up in bed, expecting to see sunlight and instead seeing a dim blue glow. He'd almost forgotten he was in the crazy alternate universe house. As he stared at the blank wall he felt something niggling in the back of his mind. He probed, trying to tease out the memory, but it didn't wanna be found.

Whatever, it can't be that important.

He went to get out of bed and caught his foot on a blanket. He fell. He thought he was about to throw his back out, but thankfully his face took all of the impact as he splatted onto the carpet.

"All the power of a spider my ass… where's the spider-grace at, huh? Where's the reflexes when you need 'em?"

His bedroom door opened. It was Miles. The kid had a full view of him: face down, ass up, half-covered in blankets and fully covered in drool and sweat.

"Ever heard of knocking?"

Miles burst into laughter, "Did you just fall out bed, for real? Man, I can't believe this."

"You're not immune to middle age, Miles. Just you wait. Give it twenty years and you'll be here."

"I doubt it."

They stared at each other for a moment, then Peter B asked, "Could you help me up, actually? My hands are stuck and I don't wanna tear the blankets."

"No problem."

Miles untied his hands and tossed the blankets back onto the bed. Now he was free he looked a little less ridiculous, but not by much. See, he always slept in his underpants.

Miles pointed at them, "You wear Iron Man undies? Dude, what the hell?"

"Hey, there's nothing weird about wearing a friend's merch."

"You've got his face on your crotch, man!"

"Miles, I thought we were past homophobia. Shame on you!"

"No, what, that's-… you know that's not what I'm saying!"

"Tut, tut, tut. Anyway, I need something for my stomach or I'm gonna destroy the bathroom."

"What?"

"Gotta be quick, kid. For your sake as much as mine."

At that moment Ham walked in, "Take these. They're made for elephants but… well… I think they'll be perfect for you."

Peter B took the pills out of Ham's hand, "I'm gonna pretend you didn't just insult me. Also, I need some water for these."

Miles shoved a glass of water in his face, "Got you covered!"

"Where'd you get that so fast?"

"I was drinking it before I heard you fall over, but I can just get another glass, so… go ahead."

"Fine, it'll do."

He tossed the pills into his mouth and downed the whole glass of water in one go. His stomach felt better almost immediately.

"Ahhh," he sighed with satisfaction, "Honestly? I could go for another pizza right about now."

Ham frowned, "Please don't."

Peter B pulled on some sweatpants and a t-shirt and strolled into the living room, noticing Gwen passed out on the couch. As he sat himself down at the dining table the niggling feeling came back, but he still couldn't remember what it was he was meant to do.

I'm sure it'll come to me… eventually.


Peni awoke to the sound of screaming from downstairs.

"MARY JANE! OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT MARY JANE!"

Peni rolled onto her back. SP//dr, who had also woken up, crawled out from her hair and settled on her cheek. She still felt tired.

What time is it?

"MARY JANE… I NEED TO… I NEED TO HURRY I… HOLY SHIT!"

Is that… Peter B?

She rolled and rolled till she was at the edge of the bed, then she pushed herself upright. Suddenly she heard Gwen's voice.

"It's what!? Holy crap I'm gonna be late for practice! Crap crap crap crap crap!"

Peni crept out of the bedroom and peered down the stairs. Peter B was frantically pulling on his Spider-Man suit. Then Gwen burst into view.

"Hey Peni!" she said as she barged past with a hair brush in hand.

"Morning Gwen…"

She heard Ham talking, "I'm sure she'll understand, Peter."

"Ham, we just started working things out again. Oh my god she must think I'm such an idiot."

"But that's why she loves you!"

"Not helping!"

Peni slinked down the stairs just in time to see Peter B try to push open the pull door.

"You gotta pull it!" she called out.

He looked over his shoulder, "Thanks!"

Then he opened the door and jumped through into his home universe, leaving only her, Ham and Miles behind in the living room.

"I see you're finally up!" Ham said as he strolled over to the (now empty) sofa and picked up the remote for the ultra wide screen TV.

"Where's Noir?"

"Taking out his existential angst on unsuspecting gangsters. Speaking of which, if you could install an egg cream dispenser in the bar you'd have a new roommate for life."

Miles raised his hand, "And a Koca Kola machine too, if you don't mind. Did you sleep well?"

Peni smiled, "I slept great. Though…" she yawned, "I'm thinking I should really get to work on the fourth bedroom."

Gwen ran back down the stairs and ruffled Peni's hair, "I promise to buy you infinite candy if you do. Now I've gotta run. Bye guys!"

They all waved, "Bye!"

Then Gwen was gone. Peni joined Ham on the sofa.

"Was it wrong of me to make everyone come here?"

Ham put the TV remote down, "What's this all of a sudden?"

"Well…Gwen and Peter B both seemed pretty stressed just now."

"Well I can tell you now that Gwen will be a whole lot less stressed when she's got used to the beds here (among other things). And Peter B… he's uh, well you know how he is."

Peni played with the hem of her skirt, "It's just… I wanted to have everything finished before you guys got here, but I can't seem to get the last few bedrooms to stay in place."

"What's the problem?"

She felt Miles thwomp down next to her on sofa, "Maybe we can help!"

Peni sighed, "I wish you could."

"Try me," Ham replied.

"Well the problem with this world is… it's like… it's tiny. Really it's a tiny space, but it's kind of bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. It's deliberately nonsensical, minuscule and enormous at the same time."

Miles held his chin in his hands, "Like Ham's pockets?"

"Ham's pockets?"

Ham clicked his fingers, "The kid's got a point! I can fit practically anything in my pockets, no matter how big or heavy it may be!"

"Still," Peni said, staring at the floor, "how would you turn that into code?"

"Can't we try? Would it break anything?"

"I could sandbox it."

"Is that good?"

Miles answered for Peni, "If that's what I think it is, then yes."

Peni nodded, "It means we can test it in an isolated environment."

Ham hopped off of the sofa, "Well let's do it then! Gimme your programming doohickey."

"My tablet?"

"If that's what you're using, yes!"

"I'm not sure-"

Ham winked, "Peni, trust me. When it comes to nonsense, I'm kind of an expert."


Noir couldn't wait to get back. Though the urge to keep patrolling the grimy streets of Midtown Manhattan was strong, his desire to be back in that warm house, with his friends, was much stronger.

I've done everything I can for now.

He didn't believe that, but he knew that what Ham said was right: everyone needed a break. He needed a break. There was only so much death and misery the human mind could endure before it snapped. Sometimes he wondered if he'd already snapped, maybe he was already too far gone to be redeemed. Sometimes he wondered if he deservedto have such good friends, too. He wasn't like them. They were so naturally happy.

They deserve to be happy.

Did he not deserve happiness? No, it's not that he didn't deserve it… but he didn't need it. It wasn't his job to be happy. He had people to protect, a city to protect. Happiness was secondary. But at the same time he knew… he knew deep down that he did need it. If only he knew how to let himself feel it.

The important thing is that they're happy. As long as they're having a good time, I can rest easy.

With that thought in mind he clicked the button on his communicator that opened the door between his apartment and the interdimensional spider-house.

In less than a second the void materialized before him. It was time to go home. He closed his eyes and stepped through.

Immediately the sound of laughter greeted his ears. When he opened his eyes he saw everyone sitting in front of the TV playing some videogame.

"Quickly Ham, smash him!" yelled Peni.

"I'm trying, but he's just too heavy!"

Peter B laughed, "That's what you get for underestimating team Bowser, piggy boy!"

"Ooooh you're gonna regret that!"

Noir took his cap off and hung it on the coat rack by the door. He thought about saying something, but didn't want to interrupt their fun. He walked over to the bar, trying to stay out of sight, when Miles called out, "Noir, you're back!"

That drew everyone's attention.

"Noir!"

Peni ran over and buried her face in his chest. Noir noticed for the first time that Mary Jane was with them.

"Evenin' fellas," he said, "Don't let me interrupt."

Peter B wasn't having any of it, "Come join us! There's plenty of space on the couch!"

Noir felt a smile creep along the corners of his mouth, "I'm no good at video games."

"Don't worry," Peter B replied, "nor is Miles."

Miles tutted, "Speak for yourself, old timer!"

"Which of us is winning right now? Oh yeah that's right, me!"

"Imma whoop your butt right off the stage, you'll see."

"Bring it!"

They unpaused the game. Peni was still holding on to Noir. He asked,

"Don't you wanna play?"

"Nah, I'm already dead anyway," she looked up at him, "Are you having a nice day?"

He thought for a moment, "I wasn't… but I am now."

She hugged him tightly again, "You can come here any time, you know?"

He stroked her hair, "I intend to, as long as you'll have me."

"Don't be silly, you're always welcome! Now… do you wanna see the new egg cream dispenser I made for you?"

"You made an egg cream dispenser? Just for me?"

"Yup! Ham suggested it! I also made two new bedrooms and a swimming pool, but I can show you those later."

"You've been busy, huh?"

"Super busy! So do you want an egg cream?"

"I won't say no to an egg cream or two."

"Or three?"

"Or four."

Peni laughed, and together, hand in hand, they walked into the kitchen to dispense some tasty egg creams.

Chapter 3: Creature Comforts

Summary:

Ham just can't get settled in his new bedroom, so he comes down to chat with Peni

Notes:

Sorry this took so long! Updates for this were always gonna be irregular but I didn't plan on it taking longer than a month! This chapter's a short one, and in general my plan is for them to be on the shorter side (makes it easier to update more regularly too). Whereas chapter 2 covered the entirety of a single day at the house all by itself, the next day at the spider house will be covered over multiple chapters, the first one being this one! Once it hits November I'm gonna be working on an xmas story, so all my other stories will update more slowly until that's done. I intend to get another chapter out for this before then, but if for some reason that doesn't happen, at least now you know what's going on!

Also, thank you for all the kudos and the subscriptions and everything :D I can't believe how much love people have shown this story. I appreciate it more than words can say <3

But yes, please enjoy this little nugget of cuteness! Writing it made me smile, and I hope reading it makes you smile too!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Ham couldn't understand why he didn't like his new bedroom. It was big, luxurious, it had a…uh… scenic view of the eldritch void outside. Peni had even managed to summon a beautiful portrait of his Aunt May onto the wall above his bed. What was not to like?

Yet he didn't like it. It was somehow too big. Too perfect. Too... well, just not what he was used to. And so he found himself creeping out into the hallway, trotting along the extra-soft carpet and down the stairs to the living room where Peni was sprawled out on the sofa, messing around with her tablet. As soon as he entered the room she rolled onto her side and said:

"You're up early."

"Hey, don't steal my line."

She was right. It was early for him, and he was still tired. He needed to go back to bed. He eyed up Peter B's bedroom door. Ominous snoring rumbled beyond its wooden frame.

Ham pointed at the door, "How do you work with that noise going on?"

Peni reached round and dangled a pair of headphones over the edge of the sofa.

"Of course," said Ham.

"You okay? You look tired."

He flopped down onto the sofa next to her tablet, "I am tired."

The snoring continued, like the steady hum of a boiler or the roar of a plane engine as heard from the passenger seat. Somehow it was almost comforting. Ham found his eyes beginning to droop. Come to think of it, the interdimensional house wasreally, really quiet once everyone was in bed.

Peni scooted up next to him, "I'm playing Frustrated Marmosets."

"Frustrated what?"

"Marmosets."

"Those are the little monkeys, right?" he peered over at her tablet, "Oh my god they're adorable!"

"And frustrated!"

"What's got 'em so riled up?"

"Human civilization."

"Oof, sounds kinda heavy."

"Nah, it's just a random puzzle game. You wanna try?"

Ham felt like he was gonna pass out at any moment. He knew that refusing was the logical thing to do, but when he saw Peni beaming at him so innocently and with such excitement, he did what any sane person would and said:

"Sure, why not!"

She handed the tablet over to him. He was confronted with an army of marmosets all bearing down on what looked like a skyscraper.

"Okay, so what do I do with all these marmosets?"

Peni pointed at the skyscraper, "You have to take out all the employees inside."

"Take 'em out, huh."

"You tie 'em up and stuff 'em in the basement."

"You weren't kidding when you said these marmosets were frustrated."

"Yep! They're real angry!"

"But why?" he said as he sent his primate army into the building, "What did these people do to inspire such frustration?"

"You're thinking about it too deeply."

"You ever met a marmoset?"

"I've seen them on the internet. They're extinct in my universe."

"Well they're definitely not the kinda people to throw someone into a basement," he said as he threw a particularly large employee into the basement.

"If you stack that office lady on top of the computer you can get more points."

Ham laughed, "I'll give you one thing, Peni: this is easier than working for J. Jonah Jackal."

"Does he throw people in the basement?"

"Worse. He withholds their pay."

Ham's eyes were burning. He should've known better than to play games while he was sleep-deprived. He needed a break.

"How about you play, Peni?" he said, handing the tablet over to her.

"You haven't even seenstage two yet!"

He patted her on the shoulder, "Well, why don't you show me? Let me see how a pro does it."

She smirked, "I wouldn't say I was a pro, but…"

"Yeah, yeah."

He leaned his head on her shoulder as she began to round up all the office workers and stack them neatly in the basement. In a feat of gravity-defying wizardry the child genius managed to squeeze a filing cabinet in between a coffee cup and a fax machine, all balanced on top of one unfortunate janitor's head.

Ham closed his eyes and listened to the little taps of Peni's small fingers on the smooth screen. In the background Peter B continued to snore away.

That's right, Ham thought as his awareness of his surroundings began to grow fuzzy and dim, I never get a silent night back home. Between the cows and the birds and that one really loud hippopotamus, there's always something going on outside. No wonder I… I…

"Oh, you're awake?"

Peni's voice.

"Huh?" Ham mumbled, rubbing his eyes, "Of course I'm awake, silly."

His head was leaning on something soft, and his tiny porcine body was enveloped in warmth. He looked down and realized that warmth was Peni's arms.

"What the heck?"

He was sitting on Peni's lap.

"You fell asleep," she explained, "and my arm was getting numb."

"How long was I out for?"

"Well, my legs are numb now too."

"That long, huh?"

"More like fifteen, twenty minutes."

Ham hopped off of Peni and nearly tumbled onto his butt as his sense of balance fell back into position.

"Boy oh boy," he said with a shake of his head, "I'd think I'd better go to bed."

Peni yawned, "Me too, but first I gotta beat this boss stage."

She picked a can of soda up off the floor and chugged it down.

Ham frowned, "You shouldn't have so much sugar before bed, kiddo."

"I'll be fiiiine! I do this every weekend."

"If you say so."

"I do say so, now go to bed before I have to set SP//dr on you!"

On cue, her pet spider leapt across her arm and hissed menacingly at him.

"Just you try it, buddy," Porker joked as he walked towards Peter B's bedroom door, "I used to be a spider myself!"

"Ham, that's the wrong way!" Peni called out.

"No, Peni, this is exactly where I wanna be. Now if you'll excuse me!"

He inched the door open and slid inside. Peter B was still sound asleep, snoring like a construction site. The walk-in closet was waiting off to the side, the door open just a little, inviting Ham in. He accepted the invitation with open arms. It was just as he left it yesterday - Peter B clearly hadn't felt the need for a change of clothes. He crept in and closed the door behind him. Now the snoring was a dull rumble once again.

That's more like it.

He trotted over to his pile of pillows and sank into cushion-y bliss.

"Dreamland, here I come."

Ham closed his eyes, curled up in a little ball, and fell sound asleep.

Notes:

Thank you very much for reading :)

Chapter 4: Fluid Movement

Summary:

Noir attempts to enjoy the new pool with the other spiders

Notes:

Took longer to get round to this than I anticipated! There'll be another chapter of this before the month is over if I'm fast enough, but then from December there won't be any more till January 2021 while I work on a particular xmas story! Hope you're all having a great holiday season :) thank you for reading, and for all your comments and kudos too! Also this story has 27 subscribers now!? Sorry to have kept you all waiting! I can't believe so many people are reading this! It's an amazing feeling, so I hope this fanfic can bring you even a little bit of the joy all your support brings me!! This chapter in particular was a lot of fun to write :D

ALSO: There's a bit of angst that comes up halfway through, just so you know. I didn't intend to inject some full-on angst but whenever I write Noir it just happens lmao! I've now toned it down a bit so it should feel more fitting.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Noir stared into the watery abyss. He thought he'd acclimatised to the strange dream world they were currently living in, but he'd been naive. He should've known that every stone left unturned was an opportunity for another terrifying surprise.

"Come on Noir, what's the point of having a pool if you're not gonna use it?" Peter B called out from across the pale, rippling water.

Noir dipped a single naked toe into the depths, "Why is it…glowing?"

Peter B picked a mug up off the side of the pool and glugged down a mouthful of what appeared to be black coffee, "The same reason the sky looks angry. Just hop in! I'm fine, aren't I?"

Noir scratched his mask, "I'll wait for Miles."

"What, you don't trust me?"

The living room door slid open, "Someone say my name?"

Peter B looked over his shoulder, "Miles, tell this idiot to get in the pool already, would ya?"

Miles stood proudly on the edge of the pool, wearing only his underpants, "What's the problem, Noir? Don't wanna get in without a swimsuit?"

Noir stared into the water. His grim reflection stared back at him, "I don't trust things that glow."

"B looks alright."

He did. Waist deep and half naked, he was a picture of relaxation.

Peter B spread his arms wide, "See? The kid gets it."

"You don't need to worry Noir," Miles added, "Peni made it for us, so it has to be fine! If it were dangerous she would've said so."

He has a point… Peni wouldn't make something dangerous… not something dangerous to us, anyway.

With that thought firmly in his mind, Noir pulled off his ragged pants and slowly lowered one of his feet into the pool. Miles and Peter B watched on in silence. Noir noticed.

"Fellas, you're making me nervous."

The alien liquid surrounded his exposed limb, caressing it, swirling around it and creating tiny little glowing bubbles that popped into even smaller clouds of twinkling dust. With his spider grip he clung to the wall of the pool and dipped his leg in up to the knee, keeping his other leg high in the air, away from the glowing concoction. He heard Peter B laughing.

"You've gotta be kidding me, dude."

Noir ignored him, transfixed by the sensations washing over his submerged leg.

"This feels… nice…"

"It's a pool, it's meant to feel nice."

"No," Noir replied, "This one's different. Different to the pools in my world."

Miles slid into the pool, careful to avoid splashing the eldest Peter, "He's right, B, this pool is as crazy as the rest of the stuff here."

Peter B sighed, "What, cos it glows? That's not crazy. You don't know what crazy is!"

"I'm serious! Peni told me. It's got some neuro-something stuff in it. Puts you in a good mood."

"Hmm, well alright, guess I shouldn't be surprised. Speaking of, where is the little nerd?"

Noir answered his question, "Asleep."

His dry leg was still halfway in the air. Slowly he lowered it, brought it close to his body, then stuck it to the wall of the pool. With a shot of web he glued his hat to the outside of the interdimensional house, along with the rest of his clothes. He kept his mask on.

Miles swam over to him, "Finally gonna get wet?"

Noir nodded, and in a single, smooth motion leapt off the pool wall, flipped head-over-heels and dived into the water feet first. His head sunk into the glowing liquid for just a moment, then he surfaced, breathing heavily but thoroughly refreshed.

Peter B didn't seem quite so pleased.

"Thanks for spicing up my coffee."

Noir noticed that the previously black coffee now had the same ethereal sparkle as the water he was standing in.

"…Sorry."


Gwen and Ham appeared through the interdimensional portal just as Noir was passing through the living room.

"Well if it ain't tall, dark and handsome himself!" Porker greeted, "I see you've been enjoying the delights of the swimming pool."

"Much nicer than the ones in my world," he gruffly replied.

Gwen looked puzzled, "But you're still wearing your mask?"

"It's like a watch."

"But in a pool?"

"It'll dry. I didn't notice you leave through the portal. Where did you go?"

She frowned, "Got homework due tomorrow. I forgot to bring it over the first time. Ham's gonna help me."

Noir stared at the stocky cartoon pig.

"What're you giving me that look for?" Ham said indignantly, "I'll have you know I can recite Sheepspeare's 'Hamlet' off by heart!"

Noir patted Gwen on the shoulder, "If he gives you any trouble, I'll be in my room."

With the sound of Gwen's soft laughter (and Ham's mock angry yelling) echoing behind him, Noir climbed the stairs to the second floor. As he reached the top he noticed the door to his room was open.

Peni's up.

He strode in and examined the scene. The bed was unmade, tiny socks were strewn about the floor, and a pair of light grey PJs (I think she said they're 'cyan') were hanging off a stray chair.

She's definitely awake.

He closed the door, sending the room into near total darkness. He removed his underwear and began to dry his nether regions off with the custom towel Peni had laid out for him by the pool. Everyone had one. His had his name on it in black letters, cursive print, not that he could read it right now.

Is this how rich people feel? Custom towels, fancy pools… just doing whatever they want all the time?

His soggy mask clung to his face, making his chin itch. He yanked it off and wrung the water from it, onto the floor.

"Crap…shoulda used a sink…"

He still wasn't used to the others seeing his naked face. He knew it was stupid (after all, he didn't look so different to Peter B), but the impulse to hide away was too strong to resist.

Soft footsteps tip-tapped along the hall outside his bedroom door.

Peni.

His guess was right. She thwipped the door open and snuck inside in a flash, immediately closing it behind her. Noir whipped his towel around his lower body and ducked behind the bed.

"Why have you got the lights off?" she asked.

"You shoulda knocked, doll."

She flipped the lights on and her eyes widened in shock as she saw his maskless face, "Oh! Sorry, I-"

Noir webbed the lights off again, "Don't worry about it. Mind lookin' the other way for a second?"

He heard her turn around. He reached for his underwear, scrunched up on the floor. It was still soaking wet.

"If you need a change of clothes," Peni said in a small voice, "there's some stuff in the drawers behind you."

He felt for the handle. It was smooth and warm in his clammy hand. He pulled the drawer open and grabbed a fistful of clothes. There was much more than just underwear in there.

"How much stuff is in this thing?" he asked in disbelief.

The springs on the bed creaked, her voice was closer than before, "I did some research on your outfit and reproduced it - as close as I could anyway. There's even a new mask in there."

"A new mask? I dunno, doll…"

"I didn't change anything. It's exactly the same as your current one."

"How about the rest? Change any of that?" he asked as he pulled on what felt like a pair of cotton briefs.

"No, though like I said, it's not perfect. The materials are all new, the kind of stuff they have in my universe. It's not exactly authentic."

He pulled a brand new turtleneck sweater over his head, "As long as it fits."

And it did fit. It fit perfectly, in fact. Just like she said, it was all new, totally unlike the patchwork and hole-ridden clothes he'd arrived in. Soon he was fully dressed again. He even had a new coat.

Now for the mask.

The goggles were smooth under his gloved fingers. He lifted it to his nose.

Even has that 'new' smell.

He hesitated. Peni shifted closer on the bed, "Everything okay?"

"Just thinkin'."

"I can quickdry your old stuff if you'd prefer that."

"You can do that?"

"That'd be easier, right? I can do it right now-"

"Slow down, I didn't say that."

He ran his hand across the floor, searching for his old mask. It was by the bed, a soggy puddle. He lifted it in the air, sniffed it. It wasn't good.

Definitely needs a wash.

All his clothes did. He scratched his chin, then he said, "Turn the light on for me, would ya?"

She flipped it on and span around to face him. In the beginning she was the last person he ever wanted to see his naked face. He worried that somehow coming into contact with his real identity would poison her, would infect her with the bleakness of his own world. But she wouldn't accept that. One day she just dragged his mask off his head without warning. He was annoyed at first. But then she told him, with tears in her eyes, 'You don't have to hide yourself from me, Noir! I accept you! I accept every part of you! So please, let me in!'

She smiled, "So you did put the new clothes on after all! Are they comfy?"

Noir took his new mask and shuffled it down over his pale face, "How do I look?"

"Terrifying."

"Good."

He cracked his knuckles, then got to his feet with a groan, "Guess I better make sure the others aren't getting into trouble."

"Hold up!" Peni rolled off the bed and wrapped him in a tight hug, "Oh yeah, I did a great job on these. They're really smooth on my cheek. Smell nice, too."

"You sayin' I stink?"

"No, I'm saying you stunk. You should let me take care of you more. I can come collect your clothes and-"

"Not happening," he said, walking towards the bedroom door with his fresh new fedora in hand, "What kinda man would I be if I made a middle schooler do my work for me?"

Peni pouted, "I'm not just some middle schooler, Noir."

"You're right," he agreed, "you're a genius, so you shouldn't be wasting your time on a bum like me. Anyway, my stomach's growling. Figure I should make the most of your infinite supply of food while I can."

She grabbed his free hand as they strolled down the stairs, "You can come back any time, you know? It hasn't gotta be just for the weekend. I was kinda hoping that…well…"

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, "Don't worry doll, I ain't going nowhere. Now…" he looked around the living room, noticing Ham and Gwen off to the side studying at a well-polished desk, "do you still have the pizza on tap?"

She nodded and replied brightly, "Absolutely! As long as Peter B hasn't eaten it all already."

Noir checked the window by the sofa, the window that overlooked the pool. The pool was empty.

"Where is he…?"

Peni looked up at him, "Hm?"

"Peter… the other Peter."

Then he heard it. Laughter. From the pantry behind the kitchen. It was muffled by the thick door but the sound was unmistakable.

Pizza… he's eating the pizza, again. Gotta put the kibosh on that, pronto.

"Wait here, Peni," Noir said as he stormed off towards the pantry.

"Noir!" his pint-sized sidekick called out, but there was no time to waste. He didn't get a chance to enjoy the pizza last time. He wasn't about to make the same mistake twice.

He kicked the door open, "Alright wiseguys, get your paws off the pizza!"

Miles froze, his arms outstretched, ready to pile yet another frozen pizza box into Peter B's already overloaded hands.

B spoke first, "It's not what it looks like."

Noir reached for his gun holster, "I'm done with talking. It's about time I got a taste of that interdimensional pizza."

"Whoa!" Miles exclaimed, dropping his pizza box, "Noir, dude, what are you doing!? It's just some pizza, man!"

Noir pulled out his gun and pointed it at Peter B. Everyone held their breath for a moment, then Miles wheezed, "Wait, is that a squirt gun!?"

His cover was blown. He pulled the trigger, spraying Peter B with a stream of crystal clear water. The eldest spider coughed and spluttered as the liquid ammunition coursed into his mouth. A year's supply of frozen pizza fell to the floor. Yelling. Laughter. Miles dived for Noir, tackling him to the ground.

Peni's voice, "What's going on in there!?"

Noir webbed the door shut, "Sorry doll, this is something we have to settle by ourselves, as men."

He could hear her punching the door, "Don't you give me that! I know you don't believe in any of that old-fashioned crap!"

Peter B leapt to Miles's aid, pinning Noir down, "Didn't know you had such a potty mouth, Peni!"

She growled something or other in reply, but in the chaos Noir couldn't make out what it was.

"We've got you now!" Miles grinned, taking the water pistol from his hand.

Peter B smirked, "Any last words?"

The gun was at his head, loaded with freezing water. Somewhere in the room some machine was hissing.

Peni won't appreciate it if I let my clothes get wet again.

That was an understatement. Miles put his finger on the trigger. The hissing got louder. Now it was a whistling, like steam from a kettle. It was coming from the door. The other two hadn't noticed.

"Yeah, I got some words for ya. Two of 'em: kiss off."

Miles looked at Peter B, "Did he just swear? Is that like, the 1930s way of saying fu-"

"Just plug 'im, Miles!"

But before his new mask could be super soaked the kitchen door was brutally torn from its frame, exposing the three warring spider people to the harsh light of the interdimensional kitchen-diner. The other spiders peered through the door into the carnage. Ham was perplexed. Gwen was amused.

Peni was livid.

"Peni," Peter B began, "clearly you're annoyed, but there's a simple explanation."

Silently she reached over and plucked the water gun from Miles's hands.

"Peni?" he asked, concern in his voice.

She rested her hands on her hips and glared at each of them in turn, "I just gave Noir some new clothes. Dry clothes. Clothes you were gonna make all wet and soggy for no good reason."

Miles and Peter B hung their heads in shame.

She continued, "And the pizza, again? The Dirac Freezebox is powerful but it's not that powerful. You need to slow down."

"Sorry," Peter B said, "It just tastes so good!"

"But what I'm most annoyed about, more than anything else…" her mech, piloted by her spider partner, shone a grumpy emoji face into the pantry, "…is that you were gonna have a water fight without me!"

Everyone looked at her. Peter B's jaw dropped, "Huh?"

She opened fire. Peter B's face was soaked yet again. Gwen watched on in shock as B and Miles both chased Peni across the living room and out to the pool area, where she danced around the edge shooting arcs of water through the air. Noir soon followed, adjusting his hat as he strode towards the back door.

"Ham," he grunted.

"Yeah, big fella?"

He smiled, though no one could see it, "Thanks for lending me your squirt gun," then he opened the back door and immediately hurled himself into the fray.

Notes:

I don't know why the heck I've gone with this thing about Noir not taking his mask off but we're here now and there's no turning back. Please forgive my utterly ridiculous headcanon xD

Chapter 5: If It Ain't Broke

Summary:

The ice cream machine is broken, and Peni's out of the house. It's up to Gwen, Miles and Peter B to fix it. Can our three musketeers acquire dessert in time to satisfy their hungry stomachs?

Notes:

Happy new year! Thank you all for being so patient :) I had a very busy holiday season and also got a little ill (not covid, don't worry), so this got ever so slightly delayed, but now it's here! I've half-written the next chapter so that one should also be done this month, all being well! This chapter is all about Gwen, Miles and Peter B. I realized I hadn't given them nearly enough love so far, so I wanted to correct that! Thank you again for all the support. The sheer number of kudos, comments and hits on this story blows my mind. I appreciate every one of them <3

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

There are some things in life that you just can't prepare for.

In the pantry behind the kitchen, Gwen poked the 'on' button for Peni's futuristic ice cream maker.

"Yup, it's broken."

Peter B peered over her shoulder, "You're not pushing it hard enough."

"I'm pushing it plenty hard enough."

"Just do it again."

She did. Nothing happened.

Miles, who was watching from the sidelines, commented, "Looks pretty broken to me, B."

"Not helping, Miles."

The three musketeers stared at the alien device, which was a lurid mix of pink, green and violet. It looked like a mass of warring snakes, or a model of the human digestive system.

Gwen squinted at a little cluster of lights peeking out from behind a bulbous green orb, "There's no way I can fix this. We'll have to wait till Peni gets back."

Miles sighed, "I was really looking forward to that ice cream, too…"

"You can live without ice cream for one day, Miles."

B patted his stomach, "Maybe, but can't."

Gwen rested her hands on her hips, "Well tough luck. The ice cream maker's busted, and that's that."

"I'm telling ya, you just aren't trying hard enough."

"Fine. Show me how it's done then, genius."

"Maybe I will!"

The three of them stood there in silence for a moment, Peter's bold declaration hanging in the air like a stale fart. Gwen raised an eyebrow.

B rubbed his face, "Alright, okay, guess I gotta actually do it."

He crouched down and leaned in close to the ice cream maker, so close that his nose was almost touching it. Miles placed a hand on his shoulder, "B, let's just have something else for dessert. There's infinite food here."

"No," he griped, "I don't care how futuristic this stupid thing is, an ice cream maker's an ice cream maker."

Gwen pinched the bridge of her nose, "B, come on. You have nothing to prove here."

"I just want that ice cream, damn it."

"There's gotta be more ice cream in one of the freezers."

He poked his finger into the maze of tubing, "You find me ice cream, I'll stop. Until then, let me do my job in peace."

Gwen rolled her eyes, "Whatever. Come on Miles, let's find something else to eat."

The younger spiders skirted around Peter B and began rummaging through the many freezers and cupboards in the cavernous pantry. There was jello, sponge cake, heaps of chocolate bars, Japanese sugar candy, gummy bears, gummy humans, marshmallows, yogurts, cartons of pre-chopped tropical fruit, freeze pops and popsicles, chocolate mousse, mousse cake, whipped cream and even flavored ice cubes - just about every dessert you could imagine.

But no ice cream.

Miles scratched the back of his head, "Does Peni not like ice cream?"

"Are you kidding me? She'll eat anything with enough sugar in it. We must be missing something."

Round the corner, Peter B mumbled and grumbled as he tried to get the ice cream maker to work. He had a screwdriver with him now.

Come to think of it, Gwen pondered, I don't think I've ever seen anyone use that ice cream maker before.

There was a lot of tech in the house that she didn't understand, but that comes with the territory when you're living in a liminal space suspended between dimensions. The ice cream maker was just one of many strange devices littering the otherwise normal-looking house. Fixing it by themselves was an impossible task - an impossible task that Peter B was determined to carry out. She knew that he didn't have a clue what he was doing, but she also knew that letting him distract himself would make the dessert-finding process more efficient for everyone.

Where are you hiding the ice cream, Peni?

She knew one thing for certain: it wasn't in the pantry.

Miles tugged on her arm, "Gwen, looking at all those desserts has got me kinda hungry… maybe we should take some stuff with us. You know… for science."

Gwen couldn't have agreed more. They grabbed a handful of gummy bears and chocolate bars and wandered out past Peter B into the kitchen/dining area, letting the door slowly swing closed behind them. The living room stretched out in warm beige, quiet and sleepy like an empty museum under the ceiling lights. Beyond the window on the other side of the room the ultramarine sky swirled in its strange dance. There was a stillness in the air, disturbed only by the soft purr of Ham's cartoonish snoring. He had no idea that he snored as much as B did, and Gwen didn't have the heart to tell him. Well, she did, but she was saving it for the perfect moment. Good comebacks don't grow on trees, you know?

Miles bit off a huge chunk of chocolate and began crunching it down between his teeth. Gwen got on with examining the kitchen. She checked under the counters, in the many drawers and cupboards. She double-checked that the dishwasher didn't have any unexplained buttons, made sure the grill and 'emergency oven' (as Peni called it) weren't secretly harboring frozen food caches. She pored over every inch of every surface, but couldn't find a single thing to indicate the presence of ice cream. She was starting to get fed up. Then from the pantry came an almighty yell.

"DAMN IT!"

Miles froze mid-chomp, a shard of chocolate suspended between his lips. Gwen called out, "B?"

"I'm fine! You found the ice cream yet?"

"No."

B mumbled a complaint, too quiet for Gwen to hear properly. Then the room fell silent again. She continued her search.

"You know," Miles said as they explored the study area nestled in the corner of the house, next to the kitchen/diner, "we could always hop into one of our universes and buy some ice cream. Everyone likes Ben and Jerry's, right?"

"You mean Ted and Harry's."

"No… I-…is this like that thing with 'Viewtube'?"

Gwen allowed herself a small giggle, "Yeah, I guess it is. Probably tastes the same though."

The desk was clean. No ice cream, no hidden freezers. It did have a hidden touchscreen interface which said, in all caps, 'DO NOT TOUCH', but that was different.

Really tempted to touch it.

She resisted, and sealed it back up in its secret compartment. Miles noticed.

"Uhh… are we gonna talk about that just now?"

Gwen rapped her knuckles on the desk, checking to make sure there were no hidden areas that were sound activated, "Nope."

"I don't understand this house. At all."

There's no way we're finding any ice cream around here. Not at this rate.

They started heading up the stairs.

"So Miles, this ice cream idea… you got the money for it?"

Miles scrunched his face up a little as he wracked his brain, "I think so."

"Me too. Guess that means we can pick which universe we visit."

"Well," he said as they approached the second floor, "I told my parents I was at Ganke's, so…"

Gwen felt a weight in the pit of her stomach, "Mine it is, then."

"That all good with your dad?"

"Yeah, he knows. He's cool with it."

She reached the top of the staircase. The door to the bathroom was open. Gwen caught a glimpse of her hair in the mirror. It needed cutting.

Miles strolled up beside her, "Wish my parents knew."

"Can't tell them?"

He shook his head, "Not yet. Someday maybe."

She gave him a gentle knock on the shoulder, "It'll all work out, don't worry. Your parents sound like good people."

"It's cool. At least I got you guys, right?"

Gwen smiled, "Always."

"Been too long since I last saw your universe anyway."

She bit her lip, "It's not that great of a universe."

"Hey," Miles replied, pointing a finger in her direction, "it's got you in it. That's good enough for me."


"Why are we taking the subway again?" Miles asked as they boarded the R Broadway Local from 71st Avenue subway station.

"Because," Gwen whispered, though the train carriage was nearly empty, "Spider-Woman isn't exactly liked by New York. I'm not like you and Peter."

He winced, "Sorry, I forgot-"

"No, it's fine. Anyway, the Ted and Harry's isn't far once we get off, so it won't take that long. Might even be faster than using webs."

There was a momentary silence, then-

"When you say the Ted and Harry's, you mean like, at a grocery store?"

Gwen scoffed, "No way! We're going to the real deal, a store dedicated solely to Ted and Harry's ice cream. They sell it by the scoop."

"By the scoop? Isn't that more expensive?"

"A little. But you get a lot more ice cream. At least, do."

Miles furrowed his brows, "Friend of yours work there or somethin'?"

"Friend of my dad's, actually," she replied with a smirk.

Miles leaned back in the ragged train chair, "Friend of your dad's… that's pretty sweet. You had it all figured out from the start, huh?"

Gwen tapped the side of her nose, "Not just a pretty face."

That got his heart pumping.

A pretty face… you definitely got that, Gwen.

Miles stared at the shadows rumbling by outside the narrow carriage window. His heart refused to stop attacking his ribcage. He ignored it.

"D'you think we shoulda told B where we were going?"

"He would've only complained."

He knew she was right, but he also knew that they'd definitely be getting a lecture when they got back, assuming B wasn't still struggling with Peni's ice cream maker.

He'll forgive us once he sees the ice cream… I hope.

The train trundled on. They sat in silence as passengers gradually began to file in, station by station, till the whole carriage was full. Miles heard the automated announcer say, 'Now arriving at 57th Street-7th Avenue'. Gwen tapped him on the shoulder.

"Next stop's ours."

They got off at Times Square-42nd Street, and were met with a wall of cars. He'd almost forgotten what the streets of Manhattan looked like from ground level. He didn't even register the skyscrapers, not at first. He was too distracted by the searing glow of the digital billboards that lined every wall and street corner. When he eventually craned his neck to gaze at the backlit night sky, his eyes were instead met with the red neon of a sign that simply read, 'SUBWAY'.

Looks a lot better in the air.

Gwen started striding off to the left.

"This way, Miles."

Past Times Tower and the Hard Rock Cafe they went, snaking through the crowds. A couple times he lost Gwen in the chaos, but his spider-sense kept him on course. When they met for the first time the sudden flare of spider-sense was like a waterfall roaring in his mind, a constant hum in his skull. But he'd got so used to it during their time together that when everyone left through the collider, when it was just him, alone…the silence that followed was deafening.

But that's old news now.

He squeezed his way past some bald dude in a trenchcoat and caught up to Gwen, clapping her on the shoulder.

"You haven't gotta power walk everywhere, you know?"

She looked surprised, "I'm not, though."

"Trust me, you are."

They turned a corner, "Don't like the crowds?"

"There's crowds and then there's crowds, you know? If this was Brooklyn it'd be a different story."

"Ah! We're here," she said, pointing to a white 'Ted and Harry's' sign to their right.

Miles grinned, "This better taste good. Ben and Jerry's is-"

Gwen smirked, "Nothing compared to Ted and Harry's, you're right."

They strolled through a pair of red double doors. The store was empty but for two male servers standing behind a tall, glass counter. On the other side of the glass was a rainbow array of ice creams.

As they entered the store the older of the two servers, a man with snow-white hair and warm laughter lines on either side of his mouth, called out to them, "Gwen! Was wondering when you'd want your next fix."

She gave him a quiet smile, "Can't keep myself away."

"Who's your friend?"

She looked across to Miles. He blinked, "I'm-"

"Just a friend, you know, from… school," Gwen interrupted.

The old man didn't bother to hide his wry grin. Miles cleared his throat and approached the counter.

"So…Gwen…which ones do we get?"

Gwen's eyes were focused on the ocean of frozen choices laid out before them, "Well, I know what I'm having."

Miles chuckled, "Glad it's so easy for you. I don't even know where to start."

"They're all good, so you can't go wrong. Unless you hate mint. Or you're allergic to nuts."

"Well I'm not allergic to nuts, but…wait-" he pointed at a vat of red, white and blue-ish grey ice cream, "What is that?"

The other server, who was much younger than the one Gwen knew, chimed in cheerily, "We call that one red, white and blueberry."

He shook his head at the terrible pun, "Shoulda guessed."

Gwen thumbed her chin, "Which one do you think Ham would like?"

"Ham's asleep."

"Yeah, but I'd feel bad leaving him out."

The younger server leaned an elbow on the counter, "We do sell sealed tubs here too, if that helps."

Miles asked, "In all the flavors?"

"Ah, no. I'd have to look in the back to be sure of what's in stock, but I know we have New York Super Fudge Chunk, and Vanilla."

"Just those two?"

"We might have Peanut Butter Cup. Maybe."

Gwen stepped forward, "Fudge is good. He likes fudge."

The server smiled, "Great. Shall I get that for you now?"

"Hang on a sec," she turned to face her fellow spider-person, "Miles, which flavor do you want?"

He played with the hem of one of his sleeves, "I dunno, there's… there's just so many options."

"Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough."

"What?"

"You should get some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough flavor ice cream."

He stared at her in confusion, "Why that one in particular?"

"Cos that's the one I want. If we both go for it, we can get an extra huge one to share. I know they'll do it for you if you ask."

Miles glanced at the older server, who gave him a mischievous wink.

My man, you don't know what you're getting me into.

"Well, I do like chocolate chip cookies. So then what are we getting Peni? And Noir?"

"They can share too."

He took a step back, "What, all four of us!?"

She grimaced, "No! What the hell? They can share the Strawberry Shortcake."

"You didn't tell me about any Strawberry Shortcake!"

She busted out her wallet, "So it's settled then. One tub of New York Super Fudge, one special super extra large Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, one Strawberry Shortcake, same size, and-"

Miles tapped his hand on the counter, "You forgot about Peter B."

She scowled at him, "I did not. I was about to ask you what we should get him."

"That's the thing, I don't-"

Suddenly the old man interrupted, "Phish Food."

They both stared at him, stunned, "Fish food?"

"No. Phish Food. Chocolate ice cream with marshmallow and caramel swirls… and little fish-shaped fudge chunks. What's not to like?"

The spider duo looked at each other. Without saying a word they both understood: that was the perfect kind of sugar rush for Peter B.

Gwen pulled her card out of her wallet with a determined grin, "We'll take it."


He'd done it. Peter B had finally done it.

"Took long enough."

The ice cream maker was fixed. The stupid thing somehow busted its own wiring. The wire that led to the mains connector was just straight-up cut in half! Cut in half!

Need to up your game, Peni.

The pantry floor was cold and his ass was numb. He patted his burgeoning stomach.

"God I'm hungry."

And now, finally, he could eat. He stood up with a groan, cracked his knuckles, and flipped on the power at the plug socket. The ice cream maker was ready to go.

I'll call in the rugrats once I've had the first scoop. It's only fair, as I fixed the damn thing.

He prepared his victory speech in his head, imagining the chagrin of the younger spiders as he demonstrated that his 'boomer' capabilities were still relevant, even for tech from a thousand years in the future. He reached for the device's 'on' button, then-

"We're back!" came a chorus of voices off to the side. He looked over and saw Miles and Gwen standing there, arms loaded with what looked like… ice cream?

He frowned, "Is that Ben and Jerry's?"

"Ted and Harry's," Gwen corrected, "Don't get mad, but-"

Before she could finish, a youthful voice called out from the living room, "We're ba~ck! …guys?"

Heavy stomps thumped towards the pantry. Then the door swung open to reveal the ever-terrifying visage of Noir.

He looked over his shoulder, "Found 'em."

I don't care what they say, Peter B thought to himself, I'm gonna be the one to have the first ice cream.

Peni bounced in like a ball of sunshine.

"Oooh!" she said, clapping her hands together in excitement, "you fixed up the soda machine! Thank you so much, B!"

"What!?" he replied, "No no, this is the ice cream maker. I wanted some-"

She grabbed a mug from the countertop, placed it under the machine's colorful nozzle, and pushed the 'on' button. Bubbly, luminescent soda poured out. She downed it in a single gulp.

"Oh yeah," she sighed, "That's the good stuff. I owe you one."

His stomach growled in disappointment, "You owe me ice cream."

Miles stepped forward, "About that. We actually got you some-"

Peni didn't let him finish, "Ice cream? Well that's right here, silly!"

Everyone watched as she wandered deeper into the pantry. She stood over one of the many uniformly shaped tiles, then she tapped it twice with the heel of her shoe.

"Yup," she said, "this is the one."

Without hesitating she tapped out the rhythm to 'shave and a haircut', then clapped her hands twice. By the same black magic fuckery that sustained the eldritch house they were all living in, a glowing door materialized out of thin air, right in front of the pint-sized genius. She opened it and poked her head through.

"It's all in here," she said, "Didn't I tell you before?"

B rubbed his stubbled face, "No. You didn't…"

She scratched the back of her head sheepishly, "Whoops… sorry."

All that work… for a goddamn soda machine.

Though he had to admit, the soda did look good.

"Guys!" Miles exclaimed, "None of that matters. In case you haven't noticed, the ice cream you need is right here."

He lifted his ice cream laden arms up slightly. At that moment in time, Peter B could've eaten every last tub all by himself.

Peni closed the magic door, her eyes wide, "Is that Ben and Jerry's?"

"Ted and Harry's," Gwen corrected again, "I hope you like Strawberry Shortcake flavor."

"Oh my god, yes please! Is that tub ALL for me!?"

Miles handed her the enormous vat of ice cream, "And Noir, if he wants any."

Noir adjusted his hat, "Won't say no to free ice cream."

Peter B sighed, the urge to laugh overpowering his deep, instinctive need to be grouchy. Of course the stupid house had a secret ice cream room. Why not? I mean it had a fucking neuro-whatever pool and an anywhere door. He should've just assumed there'd be some bullshit involved.

If Ham gives me any crap for this I swear to god-

Suddenly Miles was in front of him, "B, this one's for you."

Before he could reply his hands were being loaded with a tub of what looked like chocolate ice cream.

"Phish Food," Miles said without any explanation.

"What!?"

"With a P-H."

"That doesn't make it any clearer."

He smiled, "Just try it."

Peter B never could resist Miles' smile, not that he'd ever let the kid know that. Without saying a word he pulled him in for a hug.

"Thanks, Miles. I'm gonna enjoy this. And then," he stepped back, "I'm gonna enjoy whatever's left of yours, too."

"Dream on, old timer. There won't be any left when I'm done."

"Old timer!? Right, that's it, give me that hug back. I'm officially recalling that hug I just gave you."

Miles dashed past the others, "Gotta catch me first!"

"I've caught you once already - I'll do it again!"

But he didn't. Instead he calmly opened one of the drawers, withdrew a large spoon, and started digging in to his well-deserved (in his opinion, at least) treat.

Dessert rushes for no one, baby.

Notes:

I don't know how I ended up stanning Ben and Jerry's so hard in this but hey, if you're gonna stan any ice cream company, they're probably the one, right? :P

Chapter 6: Manic Monday

Summary:

It's Monday, and everyone has to go back to their own New Yorks and their normal lives, but Peni is determined to make the weekend last as long as it possibly can.

Notes:

Man, this one took a while! It was half-finished for ages but then I ended up finishing a whole bunch of other stories before getting to this one. In fact this one was half-written even before chapter 5! Sorry it took so long!

This chapter is a bit angstier than the rest, though it's not heavy, and the ending is as fluffy and happy as you'd want! It's about 6000 words long so it's another biggie like chapter 2! This is kind of the end of the first 'arc' I imagined when I thought of the premise. You'll see what I mean!

There's a teeny tiny amount of Spanish - some of which is taken straight from the official Miles Morales comics, and other bits I gleaned from some online research. There's not enough for me to go horribly wrong (I hope) but yeah, consider this my 'get out of jail free' card if I did somehow misfire :P

Hope you enjoy the chapter!

Chapter Text

Ham woke up face-down in a pile of pillows on the floor of Peter B's walk-in closet. B's snoring grumbled beyond the wood-paneled walls like an idling garbage truck.

Monday…

Ham reached into the back pocket of his pajamas and pulled out a calendar. Then he pulled out a match.

"What's a pig gotta do to get a light around here?"

He struck the match and checked his calendar. Sure enough, it was Monday - and that meant J. Jonah Jackal would be expecting him in the office.

Can't hang around here too long, otherwise ole sourpuss will get his panties in a twist.

Ham flipped the light switch, which in hindsight he should've done in the first place, then picked up his shoulder bag. His work clothes and camera were safely stowed away, along with his Spider-Ham outfit.

I'll drop this off back home first, he thought as he yanked the familiar red and blue costume out of the bag and jammed it in his pocket along with his infinite supply of matches.

The living room was empty. So was the dining area. Ham dropped his bag by the sofa and settled in beside one of its plush cushions.

Peni must've gone to bed already.

No sooner had that thought entered his mind than the door to the pantry/kitchen swung open. Tiny steps, overshadowed by loud rustling, tapped across the dining area. Ham stood up. Messy black hair peeped over the bar.

"Peni?"

She jumped in surprise. The rustling object thudded to the floor and fell silent. Peni's hair disappeared below the bar.

Ham couldn't wait any longer. He trotted off of the sofa, hopped onto a stool and peered over to see what the young genius was up to.

"You alright down there?"

Peni looked up, "I thought I'd make you breakfast! This is the time you normally wake up, right?"

Ham sat down on his stool, "Well, yes, but-"

"Good," she sighed in relief, "I've been trying to keep track but you get up so early I was worried the house wasn't comfortable or something."

He waved his hand, "Nothing wrong with the house, Peni. Getting up early is just one of those things that comes with age. That, and it helps me keep my job at the Daily Beagle."

"Does J. Jonah Jackal get up early?" she asked as she placed a bag of flour on the countertop next to a glass bowl.

"No, but he makes sure do."

Ham eyed up the ingredients in front of him as Peni crouched down once again.

Is she… baking me something?

She stood up carrying eggs, milk and butter.

Definitely some bakery going on here.

"Uh, Peni-?"

She cracked an egg into the bowl, "Do you like pancakes?"

"I do, but you don't have to-"

She wagged her finger, "I want to!"

"I can have cereal. It's faster, anyway."

She poured some flour in, covering the eggs, "What's the rush?"

"Well, you know, like I said, Jonah expects me to get in at the crack of dawn. Also, don't you need baking powder in there?"

She gasped and clapped her hands to her mouth, "Oh no! I knew I was forgetting something!"

"It's no big deal, kiddo, you can just-"

She ran back into the kitchen before Ham could finish his sentence. He climbed onto the bar and opened one of the drawers on the other side, looking for a whisk.

Even geniuses need a little help sometimes, huh, he thought with a smile, well don't worry Peni, when it comes to pancakes I'm second to none.

As he whisked the eggs and flour together, it occurred to him that she still needed to add the milk. Clanks, thuds and thumps echoed ominously from beyond the kitchen door. He didn't have much time.

I don't want her to think she messed up  again .

Quickly he unscrewed the top of the milk bottle and poured some into the bowl.

That's more like it.

Peni came back into the dining room huffing and puffing.

"Ham, what are you doing!?" she exclaimed, carrying an industrial size bag of baking powder in her slender arms, "I'm meant to be making it for you!"

He patted her on the head as she stood alongside him, "Don't mind me, sweet stuff, I was just holding down the fort while you did your thing. Did you find what you were looking for?"

"Yep!"

She dropped the bag of baking powder beside Ham. It was big enough to be his father.

He whistled, "Well polish my knuckles and call me Thanos… that sure is one heck of a bag of baking powder you got there."

"Sorry," she said in a small voice, "I didn't really think when I generated it in the infinity matrix."

"Hey, it happens to the best of us," Ham replied, knowing that even if he asked what the infinity matrix was, he wouldn't understand the answer.

Peni opened the bag for him, and with the help of his round head as a handy dandy pivot, poured a little too much into the bowl.

"There!" she declared with a smile, "Now it's ready!"

Ham regretted his next words before he even spoke them, "How about the sugar?"

Peni facepalmed loud enough that it made Ham jump, "I'm so stupid…! Just a minute, okay?"

She went and fetched an equally colossal bag of sugar, apologized, poured in too much (once again using Ham's head as a pivot) till finally-

"Is that it?"

"Looks good to me, Peni!"

-they had all the ingredients in the bowl mixed together into a nice, smooth batter.

"Okay," Peni said, "now I'll fry up the pancakes for you. How many do you want?"

Ham rested his hand on Peni's shoulder, "I can do the frying."

"No! I said I'd make this for you and I'm gonna do it!"

"You really don't have to, you know. It's the thought that counts."

She became flustered, "No it's, I just want to, okay? I wanna make you pancakes."

Not wanting to push her any further, Ham nodded and said, "Okay, in that case I'll have three small pancakes. Or one big one. If you do need help, though-"

She gave him a gentle poke on his snout, "I don't! Now sit your butt down on the stool and wait for me to bring the pancakes out."

The kitchen/pantry door opened, closed, and Ham was left sitting alone on his stool, staring at the twin peaks of the sugar and baking powder bags. In his normal day-to-day life he was always the first up, and last to bed. His mornings and evenings were always spent alone.

I could really get used to living here, he thought, though I can't just leave Aunt May all by herself.

Suddenly a tremendous clatter erupted from the kitchen, followed by a frustrated groan.

"Peni?" Ham called.

"Stay there! I'm fixing it!"

Ham stayed put and strained his ears to hear what was going on behind the closed kitchen door. For a while he couldn't make out anything, then he heard a gasp, a series of clicks, and finally-

"Oh my god," Peni sighed as she shouldered the door open, "I can't believe that worked. They're a little burned, but…"

"But nothing!" Ham reassured her, "A pancake is a pancake kiddo. They always taste good."

"You haven't gotta eat them if you don't wanna."

He pulled a plastic knife and fork out of his back pocket, "Do I look like the kinda pig to say no to free food?"

Peni frowned, "I just thought they'd turn out better…"

"You're beating yourself up too much. Y'know, I was a terrible cook in my school years," Ham explained as Peni placed a plate of three very small (and very burned) pancakes in front of him, "but nowadays I'm a compulsive stress baker. Time changes everything, Peni, and you've got plenny of it! See what I did there? Peni, Plenny? Pun of the century right there if I do say so myself."

His terrible pun didn't do much to cheer Peni up (and he didn't blame her, it wasn't his best). She was staring off into nowhere, her face droopy and forlorn.

"These taste great," he said with a wink, even as his tastebuds told him otherwise, "It's not every day that you get your breakfast made for you."

She walked round to the other side of the bar and sat on a stool next to him, "I just… I thought… you know, as you're going home… I wanted to do something special…"

"You're talking like I'm going off to another planet or something."

"Well it is another dimension."

"That you can reach any time via a magic door."

"I know, but it's not… it just seems so far away…"

Now he understood. He patted her on the head, "It's been a good weekend, Peni. I don't want it to end either, but Mondays have a way of turning up uninvited. You gotta remember though, that for every Monday there's also a corresponding Saturday and Sunday, and let's not forget Friday! Come next weekend I'll be right back here. After all, you can't beat the ambianceof a swirling void side-eyeing you while you swim in a high-tech swimming pool! The time'll fly by, just you watch."

Peni rubbed her eyes, "Wish I wasn't so sleepy."

Ham whipped some maple syrup out of his pocket and drowned one of the pancakes in it, "You should hop on into bed."

"I wanna stay up a bit longer. At least until you go."

The pancakes tasted a lot better with the syrup, "Can't get enough of my pork rind, huh?"

A hint of a smile crossed her face, "I guess not. Though I might need a break to recover from your dad jokes."

"A week won't be nearly enough. You'd need a whole sabbatical, maybe a trip to Mars and back."

Her eyes started to sparkle with mischievous glee, "I was thinking Saturn."

Ham pointed his fork at her, "I'm disappointed in you Peni. You didn't even consider Neptune?"

"I wanted to visit Neptune, but it's just a little too close to Uranus."

"Hah! Well you've got me there, kiddo… Oh! Looks like these pancakes have been officially demolished too."

Her face became serious again, "So you're going now?"

"Fraid so. If I don't go now Jonah might literally eat me for breakfast, and no one wants that - not even Jonah."

Ham picked up his shoulder bag and trotted over to the interdimensional door hidden away beside his and Peter B's shared bedroom. Today it was bright white, with a little golden handle. It looked completely unassuming, completely normal. If you didn't look out the window, you'd never know the house was suspended in a quantum uncertainty space or whatever the heck Peni called it.

"Well," Ham said, suddenly feeling a bit blue himself, "I'll see you next weekend Peni."

Peni looked down at him sadly, "See you…"

Ham reached for the handle, but it was just a little too high. He stretched his arm out towards it, and as if by magic the handle drifted down to his fingers. He looked over his shoulder - Peni had her tablet out.

She rubbed her eyes again, "Forgot I set it so high."

He put on his best smile, "Thanks."

The handle was cold under his pudgy fingers. He gave it a twist and the door began to smoothly swing open. Beyond the doorway swirled the deep blue vortex that would take him home.

"Here goes nothing!" he declared, and with one last wave at Peni stepped through the portal. One trotter on the cool tiles of the interdimensional house, one trotter on the creaky floorboards of his bedroom. Before he knew it the house was gone from view. He looked back; no longer was the door white. Instead it was a faded brown, old wood.

That's never gonna not feel strange… he thought, then he began to unpack his civilian clothes.

"Time to go to work."


Miles sighed, "Time to go to school, I guess."

Then it dawned on him: he was still in the interdimensional house. It was almost 8am. The dorm manager would be coming round any minute now, knocking on doors, and he wasn't gonna be there.

"¡Hostia PU-"

Suddenly his phone started ringing. He answered it.

"Mom?"

"Miles!? Are you alright?"

"Uhh, yeah?"

"You didn't message me all weekend."

He dragged his hand across his face, "Yeah, sorry about that."

"I tried to call, but I couldn't get through."

"Yeah that's uh, you know," he looked around the room, as if an answer would materialize out of the darkness, "I… forgot to charge it. I'm an idiot."

"Chiquito, you can't worry me like that!"

"I'm sorry…"

Out of the corner of his eye he saw his bedroom door inching itself open.

"Mom, I gotta go now. The dorm manager's about to show up and Ganke's still asleep. If I don't wake him up-"

"You go, baby. Just don't forget to text your momma from time to time, okay?"

"Don't worry Mom, I won't forget. I promise. Love you."

"Love you! Have a nice day at school!"

"I will."

He hung up. A gangly silhouette stood in the doorway, staring at him. It raised one of its arms.

"Miles…" came a sleepy voice.

"Peni!?"

She shuffled into his room, disappearing into the shadows, "I was wondering if you wanted to play a game or something."

He reached for his bedside lamp and turned it on. When he saw Peni he gasped.

"Peni, are you alright!?"

She was as pale as pale gets. The bags under her eyes were so dark she looked like she was cosplaying an anthropomorphic panda.

"I'm fine," she slurred, thwomping her butt down on the edge of his bed with a yawn, "Just a lil' tired."

"Just a lil', huh?"

"What time is it?" she asked, groggily looking over in his direction.

Miles checked his phone, "7:56, which means gotta get to school A.S.A.P."

Peni flopped back onto his bed, "Why does school even exist?"

"You're preaching to the choir."

"I think I have school today."

"You think you do?" Miles asked as he rolled out of bed.

"Sometimes we test the mech on a Monday."

"That sounds a lot better than school."

"It is, cos all the tests involve," she yawned again, "blowing stuff up."

Miles pulled on a pair of navy blue socks, "Didn't take you as the 'blowing stuff up' type."

"I don't blow up people. Just… things."

He opened his dresser drawer and grabbed his balled-up school uniform, "What kinda things?"

"Target dummies, mostly. They're made of a special kind of concrete. Except strong."

"Concrete isn't strong?"

"This is stronger. It's like," she spread her arms wide, "mega strong. Super duper."

"Uh-huh. Look, Peni, I appreciate the company and all, but I'mma need you to step outside for a minute while I get my school threads on."

She rolled onto her side, "D'you think Gwen's free?"

"I dunno, I mean, she must have school too, right?"

"Mmm…"

Miles stood there in the shadowy bedroom staring at Peni (who was in turn staring at the wall behind his bed) for perhaps a whole minute before he finally said, "So… do you mind just, stepping out for a minute? I gotta get my uniform on and everything."

She rubbed her eyes, "Sorry, of course, I… I'm not thinking straight."

He smiled, trying his best not to look too concerned, "Don't sweat it. Maybe get some sleep, though."

She shook her head, "Nuh-uh, not yet. I need to see everyone… gotta say goodbye to… everyone…"

And with those words she turned and shuffled back out the way she came. Miles quietly pushed his bedroom door closed, listening to make sure she wasn't about to wander back inside. Then he started getting changed.


Gwen looked into the bathroom mirror and frowned. Her grim reflection frowned back.

Kill me now.

She picked up her toothbrush, ran it under some water, then-

"Gwen…"

She froze.

Did my toothbrush just… speak to me?

Eyes locked on the brush, she asked, "Hello…?"

"Gwen…"

Then she realized: the voice was coming from behind her.

"Peni? Whoa! Are you alright?"

Peni looked even worse than she did.

Like a zombie her friend mumbled, "You're going to school, right?"

"Uh, yeah. Aren't you?"

She staggered forward, "It can wait."

Gwen moved to the side, out of the way of the sink, "Wanna brush your teeth?"

"Can I hug you?"

"Hug me?"

Without warning two stringy warms clamped themselves around her waist.

Peni spoke into Gwen's stomach, "Has anyone ever told you you're…squishy?"

"Is that a compliment?"

"Of course!"

Gwen stared out at the hall, searching for help, but it was empty.

"Look, Peni-"

"How about we… skip school today…"

"Yeah, no. I'm on thin ice already. Gotta make it work where I can. Today might be the first day ever that I turn up on time."

Peni grumbled, "Aww come on Gwen."

"Nope."

Still facing the hall, Gwen reached behind her back to grab some toothpaste. Contorting herself to her body's limit, she snatched up the tube with the tips of her fingers and squirted some onto her toothbrush.

Peni asked, "Can you take me with you?"

Gwen's mouth was too full of minty fresh 'FLUORINE PLUS' to reply.

She continued, "I can move the house. Or your school… or both, if you want."

Gwen didn't particularly want either of those.

"…I was thinking we could play a game, maybe…"

Gwen put an arm round Peni's back and spun them around. In order it was: her, then Peni, then the sink. Not ideal.

"Gool Gwahbha bgloob oudda da aahgy," she said.

"Huh?"

It was hopeless, as she'd expected. Doing her best to aim over Peni's head, Gwen took the plunge and spat out the toothpaste towards the sink. It arced in a beautiful line through the air, a sparkly cyan slop, then it splattered safely into the sink. Peni was unharmed.

"I said, you'll wanna move outta the way."

"Oh…"

She saw something flick past in the mirror. Someone.

"Miles!" she called out, unable to completely hide the desperation in her voice.

He backtracked, coming into view just beyond the doorway. Gwen watched him through the mirror.

"Gwen!" he said sheepishly, "I see you found Peni…"

"She found me."

Peni sparked into life, "Miles!"

She unlatched herself and shambled towards the new arrival. Gwen took her chance. Toothbrush still in hand she zipped past Peni and out the bathroom door.

"Gwen! Nooo!"

Gwen dashed down the hall towards her bedroom, trying hard not to look back, "Sorry Peni, I still have to put my uniform on!"

Miles chased after her, "Gwen, we need to talk!"

"I'm kinda in a hurry!"

"It's about Peni!"

Gwen slowed down, "Peni? What, you mean she's not just having a sugar crash?"

"Well-"

Suddenly they heard a deep thud from the other end of the hall. It was Noir, crouched in front of the bathroom with a hand on his hat.

"What's all the ruckus about?"

Peni shot into his waiting arms, "Noir!"

He held her tightly, "You weren't there when I woke up, doll. Everything alright?"

"Noir…"

Gwen looked at Miles. Miles looked at Gwen. Gwen looked at her phone.

"I've got five minutes."

Miles barged through her bedroom door, "That'll have to be enough!"

"Miles, wait! Enough for what?"


Noir embraced Peni as she sat on his lap. They were both snugly embedded in a couch in the corner of their shared bedroom.

Peni leaned her head against his chest, "Time goes so quickly…"

The warm light of the hall crept under the door into the shadowy bedroom. Darkness was restful. Still. Safe. Peni's shoulder rose and fell softly under his gloved hand. Her spider sat on the brim of his hat, already asleep.

She spoke into his coat, "You're not gonna go, are you?"

"Mmm…"

He had to go. He had to protect the people of New York from themselves.

"Good. I knew you'd stay," she replied.

He didn't correct her. Right now she needed sleep. If the white lie got her there, then it was worth it. Still staring at the door he watched as dark beams began breaking up the hall's steady light. They got darker, bigger. Footsteps.

The door opened. Gwen and Miles with concerned faces.

"Noir," Miles whispered, "you got a minute?"

Peni didn't stir. Noir carefully slid his arms into place and lifted her up, carrying her like a princess. Her eyes flickered open.

"What's-?" she mumbled.

"Go to sleep."

Her eyes became panicked, "Don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere."

He kicked the blankets back and gently laid her down on the bed. Then he tucked her in. She rolled onto her side, watching him.

"Stay…"

He crouched beside the bed silently till her eyelids slid closed once more. Finally, she was asleep. Miles and Gwen were still peering through the doorway.

"Alright," Noir said, standing up, "I'm all ears."


Peter B held the phone to his ear as he swung down 2nd Avenue in his New York.

"MJ, I'm gonna need you to pick something up for me."

The smell of 'Joe's Fresh Tortillas' graced his nose. On any other day…

"It's on the corner of Madison Avenue and 33rd Street. Near the 7-Eleven. Yeah. Well I'd do it, but I'm on my way to work. Grocery store? No, they fire- I mean, I quit that one months ago."

He dipped down past a line of school buses and did a cool pose for the kids inside, almost smacking his head on a lamp post in the process.

"Christ, that was close! What? Oh, nothing. No, MJ, trust me, it's not like it used to be. Robbie's in charge now, remember? It's the Bugle, but… not the Bugle."

Deli after deli appeared before him, making his stomach grumble. Not even Peni's infinite pizza could satisfy his mighty hunger.

A whole pizza for just one dollar? Maybe I could fit it in…

And by fit it in he of course meant in time, as there was no doubt in his mind that it could fit in his stomach.

"You don't need to drop it off at my apartment. Keep it at yours and I'll come get it. That's okay, right? Well I didn't know you were free, but you could say my spider-sense told me."

He allowed himself a midair smirk.

"I'll be there as soon as I can after work. Thanks again MJ. You're gonna make a little genius very happy. Love you too. Bye. Love you. Bye. Byeee~"

He hung up just in time to faceplant a STOP sign. Above it, a smaller and much friendlier-looking green sign read 'E 39 St'.

"Well… at least I'm in the right place."

He snuck into a nearby alley, hidden behind a hair salon, and changed into his civilian clothes. It'd been a long time since he worked at the Bugle, but it'd been a long time since he'd done a lot of things.

Been a long time since I've been happy, too.

After the incident with the collider he'd become a new man. Thanks to his spider friends. Thanks to MJ. A few months ago he couldn't even remember what it was like to feel proud of himself. But now…

He took a deep breath, immediately regretting it as car fumes stunk up his nose. He coughed, regained his composure, and set his sights on the Daily Bugle's shiny new sign. He stepped through the automatic doors, into the old and the new alike, smiling all the way.


Peni awoke to Noir's hat on the bedside table. SP//dr was sleeping on the crown.

"Noir?"

Silence. She threw the covers off and sat upright, straining her ears for any signs of conversation from downstairs or in the hall. In her mind, she felt SP//dr stirring. Then she felt his legs dance across her forearm.

"They're gone," she said. Half to SP//dr, half to herself. His eyes twinkled in the bedroom's twilight. She stroked him gently with her little finger.

It was over. Worse, it was still Monday.

Peni took Noir's hat with her to the bathroom, hanging it on a hook by the door. As she brushed her teeth she imagined all the ways she could give it back to him.

I'll have to go to his universe, she thought, Oscorp will have to wait.

Aunt May wouldn't be happy, but it didn't matter. It wouldn't change anything. Peni knew they needed her. She could skip for a whole week and they'd have to take her back.

I'll go back tomorrow… or the day after, she added as she rinsed her mouth out with a cup of glowing mouthwash.

She liked being 'SP//dr' (along with SP//dr the spider, in the SP//dr mech… it's complicated), but she didn't like Oscorp. She envied her friends' independence. But then again, maybe they envied her. They were always talking about her 'futuristic' tech.

It's not so bad, she told herself as she went downstairs, at least Oscorp repairs my mech for free.

In her mind she saw New York in all its neon glory. The rivers of floating cars, the chasms formed by the skyscrapers, the mists way waaay down below. She saw herself swinging through it, free. Nowhere to go. No one to answer to. She saw her friends beside her.

"If only…"

The door to Peter B's bedroom hung open, his bed unmade.

B's gone too…? What time is it?

Time for her to go home. She'd missed an entire day of school. Probably missed a calibration test. Even Uncle Ben would be back from work soon enough, and he always stayed in late at the lab.

She went into the pantry and got herself a chocolate bar. She snapped a bit off with her teeth and crunched it into tiny pieces. Sugar always made her feel better. Back in the living room she laid down on the sofa and closed her eyes.

I did a good job with this fabric.

The cushions weren't bad either. It was almost as comfortable as her bed. The house bed, not her bed back in 3145 AD.

"Ugh, this isn't working."

She needed to distract herself. Play a game. Read a book. Make a bomb.

A bomb…

She walked out to the pool and materialized a gigantic sphere of explosives off in the distance. The explosion was so enormous it knocked her off her feet and shattered every window in the house, leaving only silence.

The silence hung on her like a lead blanket. The weekend was over. Truly and completely. They had lives to live, and they were living them. Without her.

It's just five days.

"That's right," she said to herself, "it's not that big of a deal. It'll be over in no time."

The door was in front of her now, the door back to her world.

Five days…

She could always message them via their communication devices. She could even message them right now. She pulled out her device and-

No. It could wait. She could wait. The house would still be there next weekend.

Pull yourself together, Peni.

She brushed down her skirt, checked to see SP//dr was safely on her shoulder.

"Alright, buddy," she sighed, "Guess it's back to work for you and me."

She reached for the handle, then-

Suddenly the door swung open so hard that the doorknob clanked against the wall.

It was Mary Jane.

"Sorry I'm late!" she said with a breathless smile. Her smile faded as she looked around the room, "Is it over already?"

She was carrying something in her hands. A pink box, with a tag. But the writing was hidden. Peni was so confused she didn't know what to say.

"Why-"

The door slammed open again almost immediately, making SP//dr leap into Peni's hair in surprise.

"Yo!"

Her mouth dropped open, "Miles?"

Gwen was next through the vortex. MJ sighed in relief, "For a second there I thought I'd missed everything."

"Got held up at school," Miles explained, "But now we can get the party started."

He wrapped an arm round Peni's shoulders and ferried her to the dining table. The pink box was placed in front of her. Chairs scraped on the dining room floor. Gwen, Miles, MJ. She was surrounded. Bags of things, emptied onto the table. Party hats?

Peni's brain was having a critical error, "I…I…what? I thought-"

Miles shot her a heart-melting smile, "It's just a little thank you gift."

She stared at him, "A thank you gift?"

"You know, for making this house for us!"

MJ tapped the box, "Peter wanted to give it to you himself, but then Shocker showed up."

Peni nodded absentmindedly, "Of course…"

She eyed up the box. Gwen noticed.

"Don't you wanna see what's inside?"

She nodded again. As Gwen pushed the boxed towards her, Peni could barely contain her emotions. Her mind was a mess of every feeling you could imagine. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to cry. She knew she was probably going to end up doing both. And then there was another feeling. A thick feeling, like jello in her throat. It was starting to sink in: they were here, together. All of them. Or most of them, anyway.

Peni lifted the lid off the box and placed it on the table. She clasped her hands over her mouth as she saw what was inside: a red and blue cake with 'THANK YOU' written in white icing on top.

"It's not much," Miles began.

Peni didn't let him finish. She wrapped her arms round his neck and squeezed him into a hug, "Thank you."

"No, thank you."

"I call dibs on the next hug," Gwen said playfully.

"Hah!" came a voice from behind them, "I think you'll find that hug belongs to me, Gwanda!"

Peni looked up just in time to see a ball of red and blue somersaulting through the air. It landed on the table in just the right way to both avoid the cake and knock all the cutlery onto the floor.

"Ham," Gwen scolded, "No feet on the table."

He feigned annoyance, "What are you, my mother?"

He hopped onto a chair and gave Peni a cheeky wink, "Hey kiddo."

Peni couldn't help but smile.

"You guys," she began, "I thought… I thought I wouldn't see you for-"

"For forever?" Ham interrupted, "Peni, you couldn't keep me from this place if you wanted to."

A tiny laugh escaped her lips. She let her eyes fall to the brightly colored cake. As she read the words again, something wet tickled her cheek. She realized then that she was crying.

"Whoa, hey," Miles said, "Are you alright?"

She nodded, wiping her eyes, "I'm just… so glad that we're friends."

Now Gwen and Miles were both hugging her. She heard Ham's small feet patter across the table. She heard the sound of a rubber band. Cardboard unfolding. Then before she knew it a hat had been strapped to her head.

Ham held his hands up like he was framing a photo, "Yep. Now you're party ready."

That got a giggle from everyone. Peni wiped her eyes one last time, picked up the plastic knife and fork laid out for her (freshly replaced after Ham knocked the other set off), and prepared to enjoy her cake. She knew she had to go back, she knew Aunt May and Uncle Ben would be annoyed with her, but for the moment none of that mattered. She was with her friends, in their special house. And they had cake.

You can't say no to cake.

Noir arrived shortly after they'd cut the cake up into eight pieces. Two for Peni, and one for everyone else (including MJ). B turned up a few minutes later, huffing and puffing like he'd just run a marathon.

"That is the last time I help an old lady cross the street!"

Peni pretended not to notice Noir stuffing the entire slice of cake in his mouth all at once as B explained the series of unfortunate events that led to him being so late.

"…I've never seen a banana peel so huge!" he said, spreading his arms wide, "So naturally I slipped on it."

Peni thought about starting on her second slice. It was mostly blue, with a tiny wedge of red and a thick line of white from the 'T' in 'THANK'. She wanted to eat it. Her mouth was watering. But another part of her wanted to save it.

No. I don't need to save the cake. I have the hat.

The argument was so compelling that Peni immediately picked up the spare slice and bit a chunk out of its narrow corner. It was delicious. Strawberry and blueberry, with smooth cream in between. Whoever made the cake was a genius. Baking… now that's something Peni wanted to learn. If Peni could bake as well as she could weld metal, she'd never leave her house. New York would have to make do without her.

Her phone buzzed. Her personal phone, her 3145 phone. She held it under the table to hide it from the others and peeked at the message. It was Aunt May.

[Where are you? Are you alright? Call me.]

Dang it…

She knew it was coming. She'd left it too long already.

"Guys," she said, pushing her chair back and standing up, "I've… gotta go."

The room fell silent. Miles glanced at Gwen.

Peni continued, "Aunt May's worried about me, so."

"Ah, yes," B said, "I've been there. You better get back to her before she starts refusing to make wheat cakes for you."

Peni picked up her backpack, "Mine doesn't make wheat cakes. She cooks a mean nut roast, though."

Noir got out of his chair to join her, "I'll see you home."

Peni smirked, "The door will take me straight to my room, silly."

"Still…"

In the end they all joined her in front of the warp door. Ham handed her what was left of her slice of cake, carefully wrapped in clingfilm.

"It'll keep for a day at least," he said.

"Don't worry," she replied, "it won't last that long."

She rested her hand on the door's cold handle. The door, plain and unassuming, stared back at her. She looked over her shoulder. A sea of expectant faces watched her. She'd seen a lot of stuff in her short time as a superhero, invented things the world had never seen before, invented things even Norman Osborn hadn't imagined were possible. But making friends, especially friends as weird as she was… that was something she'd never imagined.

Until now.

She asked, "Wanna hang out next weekend?"

A chorus of 'hell yeah's and 'you bet's greeted her ears, and Peni smiled.

"I'll make sure the freezer's stocked up with plenty of pizza," she joked. Then she pulled the handle. The door slowly swung open. Before her, the vortex swirled in violent ultramarine. It was time.

With a final wave she stepped through and fell softly onto her bed, her 3145 bed, her normal bed. Beyond the window, the familiar spires of New York's skyscraper maze. SP//dr crept along her arm.

"I hope Aunt May isn't too angry."

Much to Peni's surprise, she wasn't.

Chapter 7: When One Door Closes

Summary:

May Parker gets a pair of unexpected visitors.

Notes:

Hello again! Sorry I kept you all waiting so long! I never abandoned this fic but MAN did a lot of stuff come up! I recently got a review over on ff.net that made me realise just how long it'd been, so I thought I'd take the time to write some more specifically for this :) Updates will still be slow till I've finished my Peni-focused fic 'Heart-Shaped Box', but when that's done my plan is to update this fic regularly!

I had a lot of fun with this chapter :D hope you enjoy it and thank you for reading!

Chapter Text

May Parker loved Sunday mornings. She loved how the gentle daylight softly coaxed her eyes open, loved how it lit up the little angel statues on her bureau in all the right ways. Looking in the mirror, she even loved her wrinkles (which were multiplying like rabbits at this point). She loved every creaky step on the staircase to the living room, the old rug, Ben's rocking chair, the photo of Peter's graduation. She loved the way the clock in her kitchen diligently tick-tock'd over the time-worn grumble of her coffee machine. And as she opened the blinds and settled into her usual chair at the breakfast table with a cup of joe and a head full of memories, she loved looking out at her little garden and admiring the green flecks of life budding out of her many and various flower pots.

Her morning routine rarely had interruptions, save for a surprise delivery from the mail man or a malfunction with the coffee maker. Once she'd parked her butt down, coffee mug in hand, it was like the world stood still.

But this morning, life decided to throw her something a little different.

"You're wrong, and I'm gonna prove you're wrong," came an oddly familiar voice from her living room.

Is that … Peter?

Not the Peter she raised. The other Peter, the one with the gut.

Another voice, husky and serious, "You're full of crap and you know it."

That 's the Peter from the 1930s.

All the Peters were 'Peter' to May, though she couldn't deny the convenience of giving them nicknames.

She peered through the kitchen door and saw the two Peters standing in the middle of the living room, squaring off against one another. As soon as the middle-aged Peter, Peter B, saw her, he pointed at her and said, "Aha! May! I knew you'd be here!"

Noir tipped his cap to her, "Sorry to intrude."

Peter B pointed at his friend, "This idiot thinks that you should eat pancakes with whipped cream and nuts. Nuts! Can you imagine that?"

May folded her arms, not bothering to hide the confusion on her face, "Sounds fine to me…?"

B was distraught, "What!? No!"

Noir stood victoriously, "Told ya."

"No no no no. No! You're meant to have maple syrup, maybe with some butter."

"Ooh!" May said, "Now that sounds good too!"

"Of course it does, because I'm right!"

Noir shook his head, "You're out of your mind. Maple syrup just makes the pancakes soggy."

"Only if you pour the whole damn jug on!"

May frowned at B, "Peter, language!"

He paused, "Oh, uh, sorry Aunt May."

She patted him on the shoulder approvingly, "Sounds to me like you boys are blowing this all out of proportion. Does it matter if you enjoy pancakes differently?"

Reluctantly Peter B admitted, "Well, no, but Miles was all like-"

"Oh! Miles is with you too?"

B stared at her for a moment, then with a sigh pinched the bridge of his nose, "That's right. We never told you."

"Told me what?"

Noir addressed B, "About the house? I thought we did."

B shook his head, "Nope."

"Hmm…"

May rested her hands on her hips, "What are you boys talking about?"

B wrapped an arm around her shoulders and shepherded her further into the living room, "You know how we're all from different dimensions?"

"…Yes."

"Well, turns out there's a place in-between them all. It's like… well, it's weird. Very weird."

May laughed, "Peter, at this point nothing could surprise me."

Noir commented, "I'm not so sure of that, Aunt May."

B held up a finger, "One sec," then he checked his wrist, "Peni? Peni, hello?"

"You've gotta push the button," Noir pointed out matter-of-factly.

"There's more than one button on this thing, Columbo."

Now Noir held out his own wrist. Wrapped around it, just before his jet black glove, was a bulky watch. With his free hand he pushed one of its many buttons, then suddenly-

"Whoa!" May exclaimed as a door of pure light opened up before her.

B tutted, "Show off."

May stretched an arm out towards the glowing rectangle standing in her living room. It wasn't hot, or cold, or indeed much of anything. If she closed her eyes she probably wouldn't even know it was there. As she debated placing her palm against the door Noir reached forward and plunged his whole arm into it. She heard a creak, and what she thought were voices, then all at once she was carried into the white void.

"Wait!" she yelped. Then before she knew it her feet found solid ground once more.

"Aunt May!?"

Standing in front of her was none other than Miles Morales.

"Miles!" May exclaimed, "You're here, just like Peter said! Speaking of which, where are we?"

Miles took a moment to compose himself, then with a grin replied, "The interdimensional…uh…" he held his chin in his hand, "spider-house! Yeah! The interdimensional spider-house!"

Noir hummed, "I guess that's as good a name as any."

May felt Peter B bump into her as he thwooshed through the door.

"Whoops!" he grunted, catching her before she had a chance to fall, "Sorry 'bout that."

Looking around the bright, spacious room, May asked, "Are the others here?"

Miles replied, "Not yet, but I can give you a tour while we wait, if you want?"

He looked so excited to give the tour that May couldn't possibly say no, even if a part of her did wish she could finish that morning coffee.

With a smile she said, "Lead the way."


With Miles as her guide May saw it all. The ultra widescreen TV, the egg cream dispenser, the many infinite candy cupboards, the freezer, and the soda machine that Peter B mistook for an ice cream maker (he complained, "No one in their right mind would think that's a soda machine"). Miles showed her the pool, and the swirling ultramarine vortex in the sky. The vortex really took her breath away — a black void suspended in a blanket of deep blue. Everything beyond the house undulated like a stormy ocean. It was so mesmerizing she even leaned over the edge of the pool area's picket fence to get a better look — and immediately regretted it.

"I don't think you wanna see the bedrooms," Miles began, back inside the cosmic-horror-free spider-mansion, "Mine's a real mess."

May gave him a wink, "You've shown me the best bits already."

At that moment Gwen and Ham strolled through the interdimensional door, loaded up to their chins with tubs of ice cream.

"I'm telling ya," Ham said, looking up at Gwen with concern, "this isn't gonna be enough."

Gwen was the first to spot her, "Oh, hey Aunt May!"

May smiled, "I see you've been busy."

Ham hopped onto one of the bar stools and dumped his pile of ice cream on the counter, "Hope you like chocolate."

"I'm partial to a little chocolate."

Gwen clunked her chocolate tub mountain next to Ham's, "B's partial to a lot of chocolate."

Peter didn't like that, "Hey! I eat way less chocolate than the pipsqueak does."

"If you keep calling her pipsqueak she's gonna take away your pizza."

"You and I both know she's too nice to do that."

Gwen smirked, "Wanna bet?"

Suddenly Peter didn't look so confident. May giggled, "So this is like your treehouse, huh? You all hang out here?"

Miles answered, "When we can. We're here most weekends."

Ham popped open one of the ice cream tubs and pulled a spork out of his back pocket, "It was Peni's idea."

"You already know about our interdimensional watches," Miles said, though May only learned about them a few hours ago (and still didn't fully understand them), "Well this is like, an interdimensional hub place. We can get to all of our worlds from here."

"And to my house, apparently!" May replied, "Not that I'm complaining. Certainly would make getting around town easier"

Ham seemed surprised at that, "Wait, we can go straight to your house?"

"You didn't know?"

Peter B scratched the back of his neck, "I just kinda assumed it could. I mean, it did, right? We got to your house."

Now Noir stepped in, "But Peni never told us it could. Never mattered before, not until that pancake dispute."

B pointed at Noir, "Don't even think about starting that up again."

"I wasn't."

"I can hear it in your voice! I'm warning you!"

"If you wanna be wrong, be my guest. The only thing you should put on a pancake is-"

Suddenly a cheery voice called out, "Chocolate sauce!"

Falling through a wormhole in the ceiling was none other than the child genius herself, Peni Parker. Peter B frowned, "Chocolate sauce isn't bad, but it's not as good as maple syrup."

Noir messed with his gloves, "I wouldn't mind chocolate sauce with whipped cream."

Peni gave them both a puzzled look, "Why not all three?"

To that, Noir and Peter replied in unison, "No way!"

While the two Peters bickered amongst themselves, Peni strolled past May and examined the ice cream Gwen and Ham had brought with them.

"I see you've been in the ice cream vault!" she said.

Gwen furrowed her brows, "Uh, no?"

Ham was confused too, "What ice cream vault?"

Peni sighed, "I showed you a couple weeks ago, remember?"

Ham slapped his forehead, "Right! The shave and a haircut thing!"

May joined them, "Miles never told me about an ice cream vault."

Peni grinned, "Well then I guess I'll have to show you!"

In the little pantry/kitchen hidden in a room behind the bar, Peni clacked her heel against one of the many tiles to the tune of 'shave and a haircut'. From out of the floor came yet another glowing portal. At this point May wasn't even surprised. Inside was, as you'd expect from the name, a truly incredible amount of ice cream.

May stared at Peni's achievement with genuine pride, "This is amazing, Peni-"

"Thanks!"

"-but I've gotta be honest with you — I'm not actually that hungry."

"That's okay," the young girl clacked her heel once more and the portal closed, "just whack this spot right here if you change your mind."

And so May chatted with her adopted nephews and nieces in the strange house in the strange world between worlds. It wasn't the Sunday she'd planned on having, but in no way was she complaining. Nonetheless, after several rounds of Mariokart 69 and a few too many poorly-hidden farts from Peter B, May knew it was time to get home.

"My plants will wonder where I've gone," she said, and after waving her goodbyes she tentatively put one foot through the glittering portal in front of her. Then she put another. Then she was home, back in her living room.

Outside the sun was already setting.

"Was I gone that long?"

She looked through the door to her kitchen, right through to the window to her back yard.

Time to water those plants.

From under the kitchen sink she dragged out an old metal watering can. Unlocking the door, she stepped into the balmy evening air and gave each of her potted plants a little liquid sustenance. She almost didn't notice the mug sitting on the breakfast table when she got back inside.

"My coffee!"

It was definitely cold by this point, she knew that. But as she went to lift it up she saw steam rising from the coffee's surface.

"It's…hot?"

Really hot. She could feel the heat radiating into her fingers. She put the mug back down.

"Too hot."

Then she saw the note. It was at the edge of the table, weighed down by a little rectangular block. The block was black plastic, or what looked like plastic, and it had a red button carved into its tip.

The note read simply:

'You're welcome back any time!

Love,

Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Gang <3'

May turned the block in her hands, "Maybe it's time I changed up my Sunday routine."

Chapter 8: New Beginnings

Summary:

Noir can't afford to keep up the rent on his Manhattan apartment, so he decides to move into the Spider-House for a little while.

Notes:

I finally finished my Peni-focused story 'Heart-Shaped Box', and so now, just like I promised, I'm gonna update this again :D I'll really pick up steam in the New Year but I'm gonna see if I can get a couple chapters done before xmas!

Just a note for this chapter specifically! It's a Noir-focused one, so there's a bit of angst. Think of it as emotional hurt/comfort but with more comfort than hurt. Next chapter though will be firmly in 'fluff' territory ;)

I wrote most of this chapter to this build theme from the original Sims. The Sims soundtrack is like my go-to for this fic and it always delivers. That and 'Structures From Silence' by Steve Roach!

Enjoy! And thank you so much for your patience!

Chapter Text

Noir finished packing the last of his meager belongings into his grimy knapsack. Picking his gun up off of the eviction notice on his desk he turned to his rain soaked window and examined the street outside. Another cold morning.

He stood up with a sigh. The gun was heavy in his coat pocket, heavier than the knapsack. He was a hoarder by nature, but there's not much to hoard when there's no money coming in. He gripped the handle of his worn-out apartment door. The sign in the window read 'Peter Benjamin Parker, Private Investigator'. He laughed bitterly, "Yeah right."

Into the hall, into the darkness. Under his coat he held his mask. The smooth fabric gave him some comfort. A few weeks ago it'd been brand new, specially made by Peni herself. Now it was just like the rest of him.

He stalled at the top of the stairs. Where was he even gonna go? Aunt May's? She couldn't afford to keep him, and he couldn't afford to keep himself.

At this rate I'm gonna end up in Central Park.

And he didn't want that. He'd seen what happened to people who stayed there. If he went to Central Park it was all over. He'd be homeless for life.

I can't stay here either.

But there was somewhere he could stay, at least for a little while. He felt guilty just thinking about it, but he couldn't deny that it'd be everything he needed.

The interdimensional house. Peni did invite me to stay permanently… but…

He didn't wanna wear out his welcome.

And I won't, he assured himself as he stomped back into his apartment. All he needed was a few days to get back on his feet.

Just a few days. No more.

Repeating those words to himself like a mantra he opened the portal to the interdimensional house, pulled on his mask, and waved his crappy Manhattan apartment goodbye for the last time.


Noir hadn't prepared himself for the emptiness of the interdimensional house. It was like walking into his own personal mansion — and it made him feel… strange. The living room alone was easily twice the size of his entire apartment. His interdimensional bedroom was a lot more comfortable. Small, dark and cozy. He placed his knapsack on the floor and unpacked everything he owned. It filled about one and a half drawers on his bedside dresser. When he was done he took off his hat and stared at the deep grey void beyond the tall windows. He kept his mask on. It kept the emptiness out, and kept the weight of his world in.

He told himself that one day he'd let himself be himself amongst his friends. They never judged him for his awkwardness, but he still felt ashamed. The only one who'd seen him unprotected was Peni. He stroked the brim of his hat.

No point sitting here moping.

He decided to fill his empty stomach. Raiding the infinitely well stocked pantry, he contemplated his choices.

"Nothing here runs out… right?"

He wanted pizza. But it felt very luxurious.

Can I really just take it?

He'd eaten plenty of pizza when they were in the house together. He'd eaten feasts fit for a king. Yet here he was, his hand half in the freezer box, hesitating to even lift up a single pizza.

"I'll have a sandwich," he decided, "or maybe cereal. Something normal."

He made himself a ham sandwich and tried not to think about his pal Porker. Sitting at the kitchen's island bar, sandwich in hand, he thought to himself:

I'm starting to get why Peni's a vegetarian.

He was halfway through his meal when a voice called out to him, "Noir?"

He nearly fell out of his seat, "B!? Don't you have work?"

Peter B gave him an easy smile, "I'm a reporter. I pick my own hours."

Noir watched B stroll into the pantry. A few minutes later he came out with three steaming hot pizzas loaded up in his arms. When B noticed that Noir was staring he paused, "You want some too?"

Noir felt the sandwich's soft bread between his fingers. He did want some.

"No, I'm good."

Peter B shrugged, "Suit yourself," then he pulled up a stool next to Noir and sat down.

The sandwich was cold, but his stomach was empty, so he finished it hungrily. Then he watched B.

"It's been a long day," B explained, bulldozing half a pizza in just a few bites, "I had to deal with not one, but two Vultures. Two! I mean can you believe that? Adrian Toomes should be in a retirement home, not raiding jewelery stores."

Noir shuddered, "Adrian Toomes, huh…?"

Peter B gave him a pained look as he realized, "Right, sorry. Forgot. Your Vulture's… not like mine."

"It's fine," Noir lied.

"Hey, at least you haven't got a Kangaroo," B joked, "Real talk, I don't think I could handle another animal themed villain. They just get more and more ridiculous every time."

Noir pulled his mask back down over his mouth, "I wouldn't mind some 'ridiculous'."

B started on his second pizza, "Trust me, you do not want the Kangaroo. He has the craziest Australian accent. I mean don't get me wrong, it's a great accent, but when the owner of the accent is in a literal kangaroo suit—"

Noir nodded, "It's a bit much."

Peter B pointed at him, "Exactly," he lifted another pizza slice to his mouth, then asked, "You sure you don't want any?"

Noir was tempted, "I…"

B raised an eyebrow.

"…it's…infinite, right?"

B chuckled, "I sure hope so, pal, cos I don't think I could survive without my daily triple stack of pizza."

Behind his mask, Noir's eyes grew wide, "You come here every day?"

Peter B looked at him like his hair had just turned purple, "Of course I do! It's free food, man! Magic, interdimensional food. You know, I'm thinking of taking MJ here for a romantic getaway."

Noir slipped his gloves back on, "It's a nice house."

"It's got a pool, it's got a view, sorta, and those beds — wow! My back has never felt better, honestly."

Noir didn't notice the silence that fell between them at first. He only realized when B asked him, "You okay?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah. Don't mind me."

He heard B shuffle the stool closer, "Now I may not be able to see under that mask of yours, but I can tell when someone's not feeling right."

"I'm fine."

"Yeah, only people who aren't fine say 'I'm fine'. Trust me, I've been married and divorced."

Noir scratched his chin nervously, "It's…" he sighed, then remembered that B had been through plenty of hardship in his life. If anyone would understand, it'd be him, "I don't have an apartment anymore."

There was a pause, then B said, "What, like you're homeless?"

Noir kept his eyes firmly on the void beyond the living room window, "More or less."

"You can't be more or less homeless, Noir. You're homeless, that's what you're saying, right?"

"Don't tell the others."

B's voice was all disbelief, "What!? Come on Noir, they aren't gonna judge you."

"B…"

"So that's why you're here today?"

"Just for a few days."

Peter put an arm round Noir's shoulder, "Hey, I've been there. More than once. We'll get you back on your feet again. Until then, you gotta admit, this is a hell of a nice place to stay."

Noir chuckled, "More than what I'm used to."

He hadn't been bothered by it when he saw himself as a visitor. But when it was his house… he couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't deserve it.

B snickered, "Peni's gonna be thrilled. Mostly. I mean, she wouldn't want you to be homeless, but at the same time—"

"You can't tell her."

"What's the point in hiding it? She'll know you're staying here eventually."

"Just a few days."

"Right, right."

The pizza was gone. If Noir wanted any he'd have to get his own from the freezer box. As he contemplated that possibility, B hopped off the stool, "Alright buddy, I have to be getting back, but you take care of yourself, alright? You can always message me on your communicator doohickey."

Noir gave him a silent thumbs up. B was at the door.

"You'll get through this," he said.

Noir thought, We'll see.


When Ham arrived, Noir was by the glowing swimming pool. Despite himself, he'd become almost comfortable with the house's grand luxury over the past few hours he'd spent there on his own. It wasn't his, but it wasn't alien, either. Like a hotel. An in-between. He could enjoy it temporarily.

Ham wasted no time. "Excuse me," he said, then with a click of his fingers and a shake of his butt he dived into the pool head first. "Wooo boy!" he cheered when he came up again, "I don't know what Peni did to make this water feel so great, but it works!"

Noir dipped his foot into the pool's glowing warmth. Immediately his mood began to improve, "It's got some kind of brain chemicals in it."

"Is that the technical term?" Ham joked.

"Ha ha…"

Ham swam over and floated along in front of Noir's leg, "I come here every day, don'tcha know?"

"Is that right?"

"Yessir! I need it after all of J. Jonah Jackal's browbeating. I see you've come round to the pool's magic as well."

Noir tugged his foot back and forth, "It's my first time coming here uninvited."

"Pfft!" Ham pooh-poohed, "As if Peni would ever turn you away. If anyone has an open invitation to this house it's you, Noir."

"You think?"

Ham gave him a strange look, "B wasn't kidding when he said you weren't feeling great, huh?"

"He told you!?"

Ham swam a few feet back, "Slow down, tiger. He didn't tell me the details."

Noir slumped forward, "I'm just having a bad day."

"Well then let's make it a good day."

"It's not that simple."

Suddenly Ham was beside him, "Change your mind, change your life. That's what my yoga instructor says."

"I'm fine."

"Spoken like a man who isn't fine in the slightest. Come on, let's go back inside. Unless you wanna swim?"

Noir thought about it, "No. Not today."

Ham winked, "I bet I know something you will want today though."


Noir rested his hands on his hips, "Egg creams?"

"You've got a whole automated egg cream dispenser right here! Why not use it?"

Noir stared at the colorful drinks machine, "I should ask Peni first."

"Can you hear yourself right now? Repeat that back to me and hear how crazy that sounds."

Noir glared at him, "It's not mine."

Ham spread his arms wide, "It's infinite! Unlimited! You couldn't drink it all in a thousand lifetimes! She'd want you to have some!"

"Ham—"

"If Peni was here," Ham said in a serious voice, "Do you really think she'd say 'no'?"

Noir knew he was right. He was letting his emotions get the better of him. One egg cream wasn't a big deal. It was just one. He'd had many more in the past.

"Okay," he said finally, "Just one."

"Attaboy."

The drink was cool and sweet on his tired lips. As the frothy mixture soothed his throat and sank serenely into his half-empty stomach he accepted that yes, he needed it. He needed that drink. He needed this house — he wanted this house. Yet even so, he still didn't feel like he deserved it…

On the couch he told Ham everything. Ham listened quietly without offering comment. When Noir was done he said simply, "You did the right thing by coming here."

"It's such a nice house…"

Ham rested his hand on top of Noir's gloved knuckles, "And it's yours. And mine. It belongs to all of us. A home away from home."

Noir stared at the dead TV screen, "I know that. But I don't believe it."

"You don't need to believe in it. You just need to live in it."

Ham left shortly after that. Noir stayed on the couch, resting his eyes, resting his mind. His body had been shielding him from the reality of his world, but the truth is he was tired. Exhausted. He couldn't deny it any more. The cushions coaxed him deeper, eased the tension out of his muscles. He pulled his hat over his masked face and felt just a little safer. Before he knew it he was asleep.

At first, he didn't know where he was when he woke up. Inside the crown of his hat was only darkness. His ears listened for police sirens or gunfire and heard only silence and a soft, deep rumble far, far away. It's only when he lifted the hat off his face that he remembered.

"I'm homeless."

He sat up and looked around. Everything was the same as before. Big, beautiful, and empty. Then he noticed something, something small and white on the bar/island. At first he figured Ham had left something behind. Till he saw it.

"What…?"

A card. Handmade. It was crude, just a piece of paper folded in half with a simple drawing of a house on one side, but inside the card was a key, and a message.

[Stay as long as you like, Noir! You're always welcome! Love, Peni 3

P.S. The key was Gwen's idea. I don't know what it opens, but you can keep it.]

He picked up the key and held it tightly in his hand. It felt real. Concrete. He felt a lump forming in his throat.

Can this really be my home?

He thought about his Manhattan, pictured its rainy streets, the bleak day-to-day of its constant poverty. Then he thought about his spider friends, and felt all that weight fall away from his heart.

"I need this," he sighed, "Whether it's right or not, I need it."

The creak of old hinges echoed through the room. Noir turned his head and saw Miles creeping through the warp door.

"Noir!" he exclaimed, "You're awake!"

"Miles. I… was just visiting."

He had a sheepish grin, "Peni sent me to check on you. She's bogged down with some Kangaroo dude or something."

Noir couldn't help but laugh, "Of course it's the Kangaroo."

Miles gave him a quizzical look, "You know him?"

"No, but I feel like I'm gonna at some point."

"Well," Miles looked back through the door, "I actually have homework, but…" he paused, "It can wait."

Noir shook his head, "You go do your homework. I'll be fine."

"I could always do it here. Actually, you might even be able to help me with it. It's about the First World War."

"…you wanna know about the Great War?"

Miles's face was the picture of regret, "You know what, maybe I'd better—"

"Sit down, I'll tell ya," Noir picked up his card and key and strode over to the huge couch, "See, my Uncle Ben… he was a pilot."

Miles crept over, a pen and notepad in hand, "Did he get into lots of dogfights?"

"Funny you should ask…"

Noir told him everything he could remember. They talked and talked, about the war, about what came after the war, about his uncle's activism. It felt good to remember his uncle's life — it took his mind off his uncle's death. By the end of their chat Miles had a full note pad.

"Thanks Noir!" he said with a wave. Then the warp door closed, and Noir was once again alone in the vast living room, with all its pristine furniture and quiet rugs. He looked at his gloved hand, then he looked at his reflection in the sleeping TV.

"I should probably hit the hay."

Up the stairs to his room. His bed. His bed… it still felt strange to say that.

Our bed, he thought, remembering how Peni curled up beside him on his first night there. Now it was just him. Of course, that also meant he didn't need to go to bed fully clothed. Looking over his shoulder at the bedroom door he stripped down to his undies and laid each item of clothing carefully in the wooden dresser. His boots he placed under the bed.

"Done."

Laying his head on the pillow his gaze fell naturally upon the card Peni had made for him. He'd stood it up on the bedside table, next to the lamp. He watched it and thought of the message inside till his eyes could no longer stay open. He dreamed of laughter and warm embraces, and slept well. He didn't notice the small figure peeking in through the doorway, nor did he feel her tuck his blanket in.

"Sleep well, Noir," she said, and though he didn't hear it, in his dream he felt it and knew, for the first time ever, how it felt to be truly safe.

Chapter 9: The Rose

Summary:

Gwen realises she's head over heels for Miles.

Notes:

Just a short one this time :) I wanted to expand on the Gwen/Miles from before, so here you go!

Thank you all so much for your support!!! The response to this story makes me so happy :D I'm glad you're all enjoying it <3

Chapter Text

The thing about Miles is that he always knows how to make you laugh.

For instance, take the time when he dropped into Gwen's universe for a multidimensional study session. She had sociology homework, he had economics. They both had to learn about Karl Marx. Gwen had nothing against Karl Marx, but she had everything against the cement block book she was meant to read through. It was hell.

Then Miles asked, "If Karl Marx had a giant battle mech, what do you think he'd call it?"

Gwen looked up from her book, "What…?"

Miles twirled a pencil round his fingers, "I'm just saying, he'd definitely call it 'Red Destiny'."

Gwen snorted, "Red Destiny? Where did that come from? Is that something you and Peni cooked up?"

"It'd have a big destructo laser, like the Death Star, for destroying the bourgeoisie or something. And huge fists!"

She quirked an eyebrow, "Who's he gonna be fighting with all that?"

"Oh they aren't for fighting," he winked, "That's how he seizes the means of production."

Gwen couldn't help but grin, "You should tell your economics teacher that. I'm sure she'll love it."

"Laugh all you want. Marx ain't gonna take no prisoners when he comes knocking!"

She shook her head, trying not to laugh, "Have you even done any of your homework?"

A pause, and then, "No."

"Me neither."


The thing about Miles is that he knows how to say all the wrong things in just the right way.

Swinging down Madison Avenue he told her, "Dang, Gwen! I've never seen you so, so— graceless!"

She almost forgot to shoot her next webline, "Excuse me!?"

"Yeah! You rolled over that guy like a dumpster truck. You crushed him!"

"Like a dumpster truck, huh?"

"That was the ugliest fight I've ever seen. You didn't even need me. You just took him down."

"Miles I swear to—"

"It was awesome!"

Gwen bit her tongue, "Huh…?"

"I mean don't get me wrong," he began as they thwipped round a satellite dish, bringing the glittering East River into view, "I love watching you dance around bad guys. But there's something even more beautiful about watching you just Hulk right through them."

"Uh, thanks?"

"I'm just saying it like it is, Gwen. You make crimefighting an art form."


The thing about Miles is that you can't help but love him. Gwen knew that more than anyone.

She knew it when they saved the world together in his universe. She knew it every time their eyes met in the morning at the spider house, as they brushed their teeth. She knew it from the ache in her chest when she had to leave as a new week began.

She loved him. She knew that for certain. She also knew she was completely incapable of telling him. For now.

"Gwen?"

She was sitting on the couch in the spider house. The TV screen read 'VERTIGO WINS' in bold, red font. One of Peter B's old, old, old games. She didn't realize she'd spaced out till Miles—

Her chest began to flutter. "You got lucky," she said, trying to silence it, and failing, "I'll beat you this time."

Peter B watched on like an emperor at a coliseum, "Don't underestimate him, Gwen. He learned from the best."

Gwen rolled her eyes. Miles smirked, "He's right Gwen. When it comes to ancient dinosaur games, no one can top me."

God she loved him. But also, she was totally gonna wipe that smug look off his face.

"We'll see about that."

Chapter 10: Three Old Geezers

Summary:

Everyone needs a day off, particularly our favourite boomer. Antics ensue when donuts get brought into the equation. Remember kids: never come between a Peter and his donuts!

Notes:

Hey everyone! I know it's been a very long time...

Firstly, I'd like to apologise for the huuuuuge gap between updates this time. Initially I was taking a short break to work on other ITSV stories while I got over my block on this one, but then in the summer of 2022 I got a nasty illness. It stuck with me and completely wrecked my mental health until like, late November. Thankfully I feel much, MUCH better now. But that period of illness was so draining that I basically stopped writing apart from the occasional short thing here or there for someone's birthday and stuff. I hated feeling that way, and I hated making everyone wait. I've never stopped loving this fandom and these characters, but man, it was tough for me. Other people probably would've been stronger, but it came as a real shock.

BUT, I am legit feeling so much better as I type these words, and I'm feeling especially happy as I'm just full to the brim with fun and silly ideas for this fic. I intend to update all my ITSV fics in fact, and sometime this year start a new entry in my Tales From The Peni-verse series too! I'm not gonna set a schedule, cos history tells us that I probably won't be able to stick to it. For context, I have two other fandoms which I also fell behind on... it's a real mountain of stuff. But I've got the energy and the desire, and even if things can't move as fast as I'd like, I really wanna get things going again. So expect many more updates to this fic and my others as I work through my backlog!

Thank you all so much for your patience and your passion for this fic. People have been reading it and kudos-ing it even as the gap grew enormous. Genuinely, thank you. It kept me going when things were tough. You know, I learned the other day that Noir, Ham and Peni won't be making a cameo in the new film - or at least that's what the reports say. I don't know if that's gonna be true in the end, but it made me realise how important it is to keep the fire going, you know? These characters deserve to exist. I promise you this, no matter how long it takes me, no matter what happens, I'm not gonna stop writing for these blorbos. They're important to me. I'm gonna keep going till my hands stop working and my brain becomes ice cream.

Anyway, this chapter doesn't require any prior knowledge, so even if you're hazy on the details, you can dive right in :) I hope you enjoy <3

Chapter Text

You fall off enough buildings, you're gonna get the urge to go swimming. It was one of those facts of life that Ham had learned in his thirty or so years on this earth. The first time your face hits concrete you buy muffins. The second time, a massage. Third time? Well there was only one cure for that.

And so with a hop and a skip he climbed the stairs of his Aunt May's house, up to his old room — not forgetting to give his aunt a kiss on the cheek of course.

"You seem happy," she smiled, "Good day at work?"

"You could say that."

He closed his door so quietly it didn't even click. Then, once he'd heard his aunt's footsteps creak down the stairs, he opened his bedroom closet and walked in. After a bit of pushing and shoving and a punch up with his best suit, he found the handle he was looking for. He gave it a good, strong twist, like he was arm wrestling it, then finally he was through.

"I really need to get the 'entry' door relocated sometime," he said, dusting himself off in the hallway of the interdimensional house. He always came here after work, but today he needed it more than ever. He looked around to see if his monochrome housemate was in, but Noir was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he was asleep, maybe he was off kicking butt, but wherever he was, Ham had only one thing on his mind: the swimming pool.

He stripped off his suit, "Get that neuron water in me baby."

He was pretty sure it was called neuron water. Whatever it was, it was like pure relaxation. Intravenous. Once you were in that water there was no way to keep the happiness out. It was all giggles and sunshine whether you liked it or not. But Ham did like it. A lot. He liked the view too, even if it did make him seasick if he stared at it too long.

"How's it hanging, blue void?" he asked the undulating sky. Its ultramarine darkness washed back and forth like distant tides. He dipped a toe in the pool and immediately felt at ease.

"Oh baby," he sighed, "That's what I'm talking about."

He glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one was looking, then he ducked his whole head under the water — just for a second. When he came up for air he felt tingly all over.

"Alright, I think it's time I took a swim."


Noir wasn't happy to see Ham in his undies, belly-up in the pool. He didn't enjoy seeing Ham spread his legs wide and wriggle about like a hyperactive angel. Some things weren't meant for human eyes to see.

He pulled on his mask and went downstairs. No one else but the two of them. He checked his watch: 7pm in his universe. Almost time to work. He'd say hi to Ham first.

"Evening," he said, sliding the glass door open, "Here for your usual?"

"You know me too well."

Noir sat on a chair off to the side, in the shade but with a view to the living room's warm light, "Just us today."

"Until B gets here."

"He drops by regularly too, huh."

"You've lived here a week and you haven't noticed?"

Noir hadn't noticed. He spent most of his time in Manhattan. Even when he came back, he still hadn't adjusted to actually living in a place so fancy.

He didn't tell Ham that. Instead he said, "Been busy."

Ham swum up to the edge of the pool, "You know what I did today?"

"Hit a guy with a mallet?"

"Well, that too! But the real news is I fell off three buildings! Three! Landed on my face every time, too. One of them was the Empire State."

"Ouch. A fall like that'd probably kill me."

"Yeah well it didn't exactly help my lumbago, I'll tell you that."

Noir chuckled, "I bet."

Ham looked at him quietly. Noir knew something was coming, but he held his tongue. Sure enough, after a minute of watching him Ham said, "You know, if you need any help in your universe—"

"No chance."

Ham huffed, "Noir."

"No."

"Alright," he swam away, "But there's no sense in running yourself ragged. Even heroes need a rest sometimes, you know?"

"I slept for eight hours."

Suddenly door to the pool yard slid open again, "Eight hours? That isn't sleep, that's just a long nap!"

Ham spat water in the air like a fountain, "B!"

B was carrying a white box in his arm, "Hey Ham. Noir. Say, you think Peni's got any of those airbeds round here? The floaty ones."

Noir hummed, "I know she has the ones that go on your arm."

"Right, but see I don't have a problem swimming. What I want is somewhere I can eat my donuts in peace."

Ham's eyes sparkled, "You brought donuts?"

"For me."

"There's no I in team, Peter."

"We're all Peters here, bacon bits."

"Okay, just for that, I'm gonna make a point of stealing two donuts rather than one."

"Hah, I'd like to see you try!"


Peter B Parker had always been a celebrity. Even back in his youth, before his fast food chain and the Christmas albums, he'd been front page news day after day — and most of the time he was the one that put himself there.

It takes finesse to paparazzi yourself. Even a man as flexible as B couldn't exactly get a clear view of his own ass. And I mean, he wasn't exactly as flexible as he used to be. But crooks always find a way of popping out of the woodwork, and when they do, Spider-Man is there. He had a regular thing going on with Doc Ock at the moment. It's funny, they swapped bodies once. It was a whole thing. Peter died, came back to life. Doc Ock was Spider-Man for a while, then he was a robot. Fun times. Now they met up once a week to duke it out in Central Park. Last week Ock came in a full mech suit, which he probably thought was very clever, and it would've been, had Peni not given B a full tour of her own mech.

The thing is, as fun as photography can be, he couldn't get those snapshots if he wasn't out being Spider-Man. And being Spider-Man? Well let's just say it was a lot easier when he was in his 20s.

Make no mistake, he still loved doing it. He loved the air whooshing against his mask, he loved the cheers from his (mostly) adoring fans. He even ran his own twiitter account. But being a hero is tiring as all hell. MJ knew it long before he did. Besides, he was settling down now, starting a family — in theory at least. That meant he needed to take better care of himself, both physically and mentally. So, on MJ's advice, he'd set up a little post-work routine for himself. A key part of that routine was his evening donuts. He always had space for dinner, because a spider always has space in their gut, if Miles taught him anything. It was a simple pleasure, but it made him happy, and it made the guy who sold him the donuts even happier. It was an important part of his routine. Just as important, maybe even more important, than his evening swim.

If Ham thought he could interrupt that, he had another thing coming.

"There are infinite donuts in the pantry!" B said, webbing the donut box to the side of the house, "These are my donuts!"

"The pantry donuts won't taste of your universe!"

"My what!? My universe doesn't have a taste!"

"Your palate just isn't refined enough to recognise it!"

Noir stood up with a sigh, "Want me to show you fellas where the donuts are?"

B and Ham froze in place. B looked to Ham. Ham looked to B. Then Ham said, "Or we could clone B's donuts."

Peter B shook his head, "Peni never said anything about a cloning machine."

"Gwen told me about it."

B blinked, "She did?"

"Yeah. I'm sure she did. Unless I'm imagining it. I'd text her, but she's probably busy doing schoolwork."

Noir was still standing there, "If it's the gizmo I think you're talking about, Peni left a manual just in case."

Ham clapped his hands together, "Attagirl! Gotta love Peni! That kiddo thinks of everything!"


Peter B smacked the cloning machine like a monkey smacking a rock. It was painful to watch.

"You're gonna break it!" Ham admonished.

"Am not!"

"Just look at that hand crafted—" Ham glanced at the name printed on the cloner's purple tubing, "Richards Technology whatchamacallit there. You think that was designed to be beaten up?"

B smirked, "I know Reed Richards. He ain't as smart as he thinks he is. If he designed this kooky thing then I know for a fact that I can figure it out just fine without his stupid manual."

"If you don't understand the diagrams you should just say."

"Who says I don't understand them?"

"I say! C'mon, B. Lemme help you."

B raised a hand, "No need. I got this. Trust me… when it comes to clones, I'm an expert."

"I can eat one of Peni's donuts."

"Oh no you don't! You aren't backing out now, not after we've come this far!"

"How long even has it been?"

"Too long. Now hand me that wrench."

Ham slid the wrench off the countertop and walked past Noir to where B was crouched over the coffee-machine-sized cloner. Noir was poring over the manual, humming to himself. Ham asked him, "Having fun there, big fella?"

"Big is relative."

"And relative to me, you're pretty darn big."

Noir turned the page, the manual's diagrams reflecting in his goggles, "That's true."

Ham figured he wasn't gonna get any more out of Noir, so he sat next to B instead, to keep watch.

"Remember when you thought the soda maker was an ice cream machine?"

B growled, "Not now."

"We just need to find the 'on' button."

"I've pushed the 'on' button already."

"Well, it didn't say 'on'."

"Green is 'on'. That's the way it works. It's just science."

"In your universe maybe."

B ignored him, "Once I've opened this up it'll all be obvious. Power source probably needs replacing. Can't see any wires anywhere, so whatever makes it work has to be inside it."

Ham stood up and stretched his stubby limbs, "Alright, well good luck with that. I think it's time I took another dip in the pool."

Ham was about to leave the pantry when Noir piped up, "Fellas, I think I've figured it out."

B groaned, "Noir, I know you're smart, but this is advanced future technology, just leave it to—"

Ham heard a click. He turned around and saw Noir twisting a tiny handle at the base of the device. Then he pushed the green button three times and said, "Safety precaution."

B was gobsmacked, "What…?"

"Safety precaution. It won't let ya just turn it on. You've gotta set the little dial all the way to the right first. Then you can use it."

It took five whole minutes for B to find his voice again. The first words he said after the long silence were, "God damn it!"

The next ones he said were, "Alright… who wants donuts?"

Chapter 11: Domestic Bliss Comes In Many Forms

Summary:

Noir meets an unexpected friend during his daily routine...

Notes:

Hey everyone! Much like the last huge gap, this one was also due to illness...

I essentially had awful nerve pain that meant I had to stop typing after five minutes. Sometimes the pain was in both arms and both legs 8___8

But!!! I'm on some good medication now, so I'm writing up a storm! I'm not gonna promise when updates will come, but I am writing as much as I can! Thank you all so much for supporting this story despite all the hiccups in the schedule <3 your kindness means the world to me.

Chapter Text

It's amazing what a routine will do to a guy.

Every day Noir got up at 7am sharp in the bedroom he shared with Peni. Most days it was just him, cos Peni had school or crimefighting or Oscorp business to attend to, but on weekends she'd be there, curled up asleep beside him. On those days he'd gently lift her arm from round his neck and tuck her in before he pulled on his turtleneck, his mask, his goggles, his pants, his coat, and of course, his hat. All made by one of Peni's fancy gizmos. Just like that he went downstairs, fully dressed, and had himself an egg cream. A few weeks ago he'd have felt ashamed to take so freely from his friend. Hell, it was even worse than that, cos Peni was like a daughter to him. You can't just steal from your own daughter!

But the others had worn him down. It's given freely for you to take freely, they said, and Peni more than anyone wanted him to have an easy life in the house. So, gradually, he'd learned to swallow his shame and let himself enjoy a treat here or there. Now it almost felt normal.

"I guess this is what those gurus call abundance," he chuckled one morning, then, with much less joy, "Everyone deserves this."

He had to try not to think too hard about all the Hoovervilles in the city. He'd made his mind up that fighting crime would be his way of repaying his debt to society. He had no money of his own to give, without an office he had a lot less work than he used to, but he'd always have his body.

These kinds of heavy thoughts often came to him as he had his daily egg cream. Maybe the proximity to luxury brought them on, or maybe it took a while for them to escape sleep's net. Either way they scurried along pretty quick whenever he sat down to watch TV.

He only had a radio back in his world. He still had it with him now, in his room. Seeing moving pictures in full color, or what he assumed was full color, was a novelty that'd never grow old. It wasn't shocking anymore, not like the first time, but it was still alien. He made a point of watching at least one cartoon each morning, usually the one with the mouse.

"If it's got a mouse or a duck, you're on the right track," Ham told him, and Noir took his words to heart.

On weekdays, when the others were out, sometimes Peni would hop in before she went to bed, and they'd chat together. She'd visited just yesterday, in fact.

"When we're in the mech, me and SP//dr can land a slam dunk from over a kilometer away," she'd told him.

"What's that in English, doll?"

"About half a mile!"

Today she just left a note. It read, [Hope you have a lovely day!]

She'd illustrated it with love hearts and a drawing of SP//dr. Noir turned the page over and wrote on the back, [You too]

Maybe this was how the men in those nice houses felt. Coming and going at regular hours, having a family and a warm fire to return to. Is this how Uncle Ben felt, coming home to Aunt May, before everything went to shit? Noir traced a finger along the muted curtains. Everything in the house was so soft and comforting. It all felt so normal now, like he belonged.

"Maybe I do."

He wasn't sure he believed that, but he had to try.

His routine complete, he headed for the dimension door. When he got back he'd splash some cold water on his face and brush his teeth, but for now it was better to be dirty, because where he was going, it was dirt all the way down.

Manhattan, just after 4am. He had a lead on a drug dealer in Lenox Hill, so might as well start—

"You're barking up the wrong tree bruv. I ain't got no money."

The voice came from below. Noir didn't recognize the accent. He did recognize the voice that came next though.

"Sure you do. Just look at your fancy getup. Guy like you must have plenty of money."

Jim McArthur, a petty crook Noir had put away more times than he could count. The man was so used to mugging he probably didn't know how to live any different. In another world Noir might have a bit of sympathy for him, but today he was Spider-Man, and he had a duty to fulfill.

He swooped down on Jim and his men, three of them total, taking them out with a few well placed kicks and a punch to the face — a little extra for Jim for breaking out of jail yet again.

"That was sick," the stranger said in his strange accent, "Man's really got some moves."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm saying you're cool, my guy. Thanks for having my back."

The stranger's body had a weird shine to it, the kind that the others got when they came to his world. Noir asked, "You're not from round here, are you?"

"Nah. If my boss knew I was here he'd kill me. But what he don't know don't hurt him, innit. I figured I'd beat up some white supremacists."

Noir blinked, "What?"

"What, you telling me you wouldn't?"

Noir thought about it for a second, "Which ones?"

"Whichever ones need the most punching."

Under his mask, Noir grinned, "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need."

"That's one way of putting it. So you know someone who needs a punch then?"

"Oh I know exactly the guy."


Noir walked back through the dimension door a bit bloodier and more bruised than he went in. But he was satisfied. In fact, he felt more satisfied than he had all week.

"You know, I never did get that guy's name."

"Whose name— oh my god!" Gwen gasped as she saw his gloves, "Who did you get into a fight with?"

"A racist."

"O-Okay?"

"I won."

Noir dipped into the back room and chucked his gloves into the washing machine, along with his coat. It didn't clean them with water. It had a working memory of how his clothes should be, and it isolated any new particles on the clothes and stored them in a separate container for Peni to analyze later. He might tell her not to analyze these particular particles too hard.

He withdrew a can of Fizzy Fizz from the infinite mini bar Peni recently installed in the main kitchen, "Met a guy there. A guy like us. Should've invited him back."

"A guy like us? You mean, a spider-person?"

Noir lifted his mask above his mouth, and no higher, "He was British."

"What's his name?"

"Yeah… that's my bad."

Gwen was exasperated, "You didn't get his name…?"

"He throws a good punch, I'll tell you that."

"Noir, I can't believe you!"

"Sorry, Gwen. I got out of my routine. He caught me off guard. Maybe next time."

"Next time…" she sighed, "Alright, well, wanna watch some TV? I'm done with my homework."

"Sure. The duck, or the mouse?"

"Uhhhhh… I was thinking maybe Stranger Things?"

"Stranger than a duck or a mouse? I dunno… a gryphon?"

Gwen giggled, "Not exactly. Tell you what, how about you take a seat and I'll explain as we go along."

"Whatever you say."

Sometimes shaking up your routine is a good thing, he decided. Sometimes it's a very good thing indeed.