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Making A Baby

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"You know," John says, the sun hot on his bare back, "I'm pretty sure this isn't what Vala and Cadman had in mind when they offered to take Alex for the afternoon."

Cam pulls John down for another kiss. "I'm pretty sure this is exactly what they had in mind," he says, and John can't exactly argue. Isn't really all that invested in arguing, when they're naked in bed together, free to be careless about when and how they have sex for the first time since John came home.

"Should make the most of it," John says; though, if he's honest, he'd be just as happy to nap in the sunlight without Alex waking them up.

Cam shifts under him, their cocks sliding together for a moment that makes John groan. Okay, maybe not just as happy.

Cam's eyes are dark with arousal, his skin warm against John's. "Want you to fuck me."

It's not something they do all that often, and only this way around when Cam asks for it. John's never yet said no. "No argument here."

He stretches, gets the nightstand drawer open and finds the lube by feel. It takes him another couple of seconds to realize there aren't any loose condoms, but Cam stops him with a hand on his arm before he can move away to open the box. "We're both clean, right?"

"Yeah," John says slowly. He's never given it all that much thought. "But what if we get pregnant?"

Something flashes in Cam's eyes. Too fast for John to catch, if Cam hadn't dropped his eyes at the same moment.

"That's turning you on?" he asks, more curious than anything. "You want to..." There are so many things that could go at the end of that sentence, most of them made stranger by their son being genetically John's by a woman they've never known. "Pretend to be a woman?" he finishes with, trying to keep anything but curiosity out of his voice.

"No." Cam meets John's eyes with what looks like a lot of effort, his face starting to flush. "No, I – you know how couples say they've started trying for a baby?"

"You want to try?" John asks, not sure if he's asking "try for a baby" or "try the fantasy." Maybe they're the same question at this point.

"Yeah," Cam says, soft and aroused, and John's never going to say no when he sounds like that.

They're both quiet as John preps Cam, only the sound of their breath and a car engine in the lot under the window, until John's settling between Cam's spread legs. "You sure about this?" he asks.

Cam nods again. "I want to."

Cam moans a little as John pushes into him, and he's tight around John's cock. John eases his full weight down on Cam, kisses him slow and deep. "You think it'll work?" he asks.

"First time lucky," Cam says. He wraps one leg around John's hips. "Come on."

John obliges, easing out and back in. Cam's hips move in time with him, fucking himself on John's cock a little. John only means to duck in for another kiss, but he finds he can't move away. It feels right to kiss through this, even as he knows they probably look like something out of a romance movie. There's something different about this time than many of the others – he'd half-expected that he or Cam would talk through it, spin the fantasy out of words, but John doesn't need it, and the soft, faraway look in Cam's eyes says he doesn't either.

For a moment, John wishes that they could have gotten Alex this way, even though he knows it's a medical impossibility. Even though Alex wouldn't be Alex, and he wouldn't trade Alex for anything.

It's enough to break some of the spell they're caught in, and he falters.

"What?" Cam asks.

John shakes his head, trying to push the thought away.

"What?" Cam asks again, his gaze intent on John's. John wants to look away before Cam reads his thoughts, but it's Cam, he can't.

"I wish –" The words aren't there, not when he knows Cam can still be insecure about his status as Alex's co-parent. "I wish it was real."

He can feel the moment Cam gets it, the way he goes stiff and still under John. Guilt surges, for bringing this up, for ruining the good moment they were having. "I'm sorry." He slides his arms around Cam as well as he can, feels a rush of relief when Cam returns the embrace. "He's your son as well. He is."

"I know." Cam's voice is rough but steady. "I signed the papers, remember."

Cam's quiet for a long beat, then takes a deep breath. John waits, but all he gets is more silence. "Say it," he says softly.

"I wish he was mine like he's yours," Cam says. "I wish – I know you can't – you wouldn't take him away, I do, but I just..."

"Everyone says he has your eyes." John's not sure why he says it, whether that makes it better or worse.

"And your hair."

John presses himself closer to Cam, as close as they can get, Cam's arms tight around him, holding on. "I wouldn't ever take him away from you," he says, though he knows that's not a promise he can truly make. People do terrible things when they fall out of love, and John's been driven by revenge before, hating the person it's turning him into and unable to stop.

"I wouldn't let you," Cam says, fierce and strong. "He's my son. Genetics don't change that."

They do, and John knows they both know that, but he lets Cam have the lie, the same way Cam let him. Maybe it doesn't matter, when they both know that, now, Alex is Cam's son, with or without the adoption papers that they keep in a lock box under the bed.

"I know," John says.