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If Fire Emblem: Three Houses Was Like Other Video Games

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If Fire Emblem: Three Houses Was Like Other Video Games, by Chronos-X

12. Fed-up with everybody's bullcrap, Felix leaves Faerghus and starts a successful career as an attorney.  He soon becomes infamous for his tendency to bend the law in search of evidence, as well as yelling "OBJECTION!" before every rebuttal.  His keen knowledge of the laws of Fódlan and its surrounding regions confounds his enemies, and his razor-sharp tongue has reduced many a culprit to tears, so it's no wonder Byleth and co. hire him frequently, further enhancing his already stellar track record.

11. Dedue, Annette, Mercedes, and Flayn start a renowned cooking school at Garreg Mach.  Their graduates include some of the most illustrious chefs in all of Fódlan, Duscur, Almyra, Dagda, and Brigid, even if they work and go about their daily lives like they're always running out of time.  They get angry and burst into flames when they or others mess up, quickly followed by them saying "Don't worry, Mama/Papa Insert-Random-Name-Here will fix it!" in a disturbingly cheerful tone.

10. Manuela moves to a distant continent populated by friendly anthropomorphic animals, including an overly talkative mole whose name starts with R.  Though his constant chattering gets on her nerves sometimes, Manuela learns to love her new BFF and eventually ties the knot, earning the happy ending she deserves.  On the other hand, Linhardt, Hanneman, and Lysithea brush up on their surgical skills in a nearby hospital with a disturbingly high mortality rate.

09. Middle-aged Sylvain has an affair with twins whose names are Cassandra and Katherine, and whose father and uncle happen to be named Gustave and Gilbert, respectively.  Social simulation, hilarious misunderstandings, and hijinks aplenty ensue.  On the bright side, Sylvain gets to wear every single leisure suit in his collection at least twice.  Ingrid ends up as an old, bitter, judgemental cat lady after having to clean up Sylvain's messes one time too many.

08. Claude, Shamir, Ignatz, Leonie, Ashe, Bernadetta, and everybody else who's even remotely good with bows and arrows takes an extended field trip across space-time in a mystical land called Hyrule.  Ignatz loses his glasses the third time he has to kill a giant pig to get triangular cheese.  Ashe learns how to shift back and forth into a grey wolf to explore a twilit world.  Cyril spends most of his time turned into a living doodle so he can better clean those hard-to-reach walls, nooks, and crannies, all as one-dimensional as his personality.  Bernadetta spends most of her time scrubbing all the floors in Ganelon, anything to avoid going outside.  Lastly, Shamir brushes up on her ocarina skills to switch between her child and adult form as required by her bounty hunting.

07. Rhea grows angel wings, turns Garreg Mach and the lands around it into a flying continent kept afloat by magic precious stones.  She constantly descends into a savage land called Fillmore to buy organic apples, and is visibly annoyed by the four-hundredth time she has to help Seteth and the Knights of Seiros wipe the gunk off Satan's gigantic bathtub.  Incidentally, Rhea also has several hilarious misunderstandings with an angelic boy who has an irrational fear of eggplants, wizards, and snake-haired ladies.

06. Gilbert gets hit in the head and falls unconscious.  When he wakes up, he remembers he took a vow of silence, just in time to wear a big, pointy-topped heavy mask and crown of thorns as part of his penance, which he periodically fills with the blood of sinners so he can pour it over his head on hot days.  More importantly, Annette keeps telling him weird stories about a person called "Ten Piedad," who apparently lives atop a mountain made of ash and collects rosary beads forged from raw guilt.  Only a grievous Miracle can save you from sinking and drowning in it.

05. The Agarthans repurpose their machines to hunt down speedy hedgehogs and their twin-tailed fox partners, but it's no use.  Icky talking animal-human romances ensue.  Kronya develops a pathological phobia towards pyrokinetic purple cats, while Solon starts to dislike charming bees, shady chameleon ninjas, and smooth-talking crocodiles who run chaotic detective agencies and carry Walkmans around like it's the nineties or something.

04. Byleth trades in the Sword of the Creator for a consecrated whip that occasionally shoots fireballs from its exchangeable tips.  They give it Fire, Ice, Lightning, and other Elemental Attributes after slaughtering Floating Vampire Jesus, but only gains its complete form after slaying Garreg Mach's Gatekeeper, the newly vampirized love of their life.  They and their descendants spend over ten centuries lamenting their innocence, crying tears of blood between impossible dreams of distant, triumphant returns.

03. The three main lords get roped into lifetime contracts with mercenaries, a couple of which happen to be centaurs, one of which happens to be a werewolf who favors battle claws and is named after grain storage facilities found in barnyards.  Edelgard and Hubert keep giving the slip to a pointy-eared little girl who insists on reading them boring stories about resurrections and dark dragons.  Dimitri and Dedue go off the grid for several years as part of their quest to wipe out Cornelia's niece, a woman named Mishaela, and her son Mephisto, all while chasing after dark suns in a futile effort to "kill every last one of them."  Hilda and Claude brush up on their healing magic skills under a mutton-chopped, white magic-user priest who runs a successful chain of hardware stores as a side hustle.

02. Yuri, Balthus, Constance, and Hapi patrol the streets near Garreg Mach at night, cleansing them of knife-wielding nut-jobs and random women who wear red corsets and military caps to match their dominatrix whips.  A feudal lord named X, his wife W, their daughter Y, and their son Z kidnap their loved ones and force them to seek help from Interpol, where a Chinese lady with inescapable mighty legs takes them under her wing.  She teaches the Spinning Bird Kick to Hapi and Constance by the time Raphael stops wearing shirts and starts wrestling dolphins, is elected Mayor of a crime-infested city, and teams up with Dedue and Alois to rescue his kidnapped daughter nobody knew he had.  Meanwhile, Caspar starts training under a hairy, burly Russian guy fixated on Communism, cyclones, and the color red.  There's no telling when the Ashen Wolves and their allies will have their final fight, their bare knuckles glistening with blood.  They're willing to risk everything, even their lives, on... the alleyways of anger.

01. Demonic Beasts and stragglers from Miklan Gautier's gang travel to Russia, where they take part in the Soviet Union's space program and wind down by watching geometric figures fall into place.  Half of the team quits three months later, driven to near-insanity by a tired old ditty about peddlers.  Fortunately, their dainty brains have a spot near a vein which regulates their bliss, unlocking their T-spots whenever they see falling blocks.