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Today the night was incredibly beautiful. It was a clear one, there couldn't be seen any cloud in the sky, instead it was beautifully painted with countless shinning stars and the beautiful satellite that was the moon, exhaling a bright light that illuminated the whole city, as well as an apartment in specific.
Laying in bed, being graced by the moonlight that shyly sneaked in through the open bedroom window, sighing heavily was Tine. The boy have been trying to sleep for almost an hour by now and failed for every second.
It had been over a week since Sarawat had left to Dim's house and since then Tine have been struggling to sleep. He just couldn't help but miss Sarawat, miss his presence by his side and the heat radiating from his body, embracing Tine like a intimate hug. Without him the bedroom felt cold, even though they were in summer.
Concluding that he wouldn't be able to sleep anytime soon, Tine got out of bed, put on his slippers and took his phone, then made his way out of the apartment. Soon he was coming down the stairs to the condominium entrance, instantly feeling the soft night breeze touching his face like a caress, and he closed his eyes for a few seconds, enjoying the sensation.
He started walking down the street, going to the end of it. After a few minutes walking slowly he arrived at his destination, a small square that contained nothing but a beautiful lawn and some trees. The spot was next to his condo, so he and Sarawat used to go there often. It was a place they would talk a lot in some days, or just lay down in silence on the grass while appreciating the outdoor in others. Guess today there will be no conversation since he's not here, Tine thought with a slightly squeeze in the heart.
The only figure present in the square lay on the ground, placing his arms under the neck, and focused his gaze upwards. Laying there, in silence, only listening to the slight noise of the wind and some grills, Tine couldn't help but direct the focus of his thinking on Sarawat. Again.
From time to time Tine unconsciously looks back and traces a journey from then until now, and Sarawat is the main focus of that. There, alone in the grass, Tine started to trace this journey again and what stood out in his thinking was how much Sarawat changed his life and outlook.
Tine first thought about how in a year ago he was so sure about being straight. But then Sarawat entered in his life, making him slowly discover a part of himself that was previously hidden in his guts. Sarawat was the one who made him realize that he's bisexual, made him open up to a new perspective of love that he knew existed but never thought he would have. Sarawat made him realize that he's a part of a big community and the thought of being a part of something makes him feel welcomed. He knows he isn't bisexual because of Sarawat since there's no such a thing as turning something and yes realize something you didn't know, but he truly couldn't picture another scenario of self discovery except with Sarawat.
Another thing Tine thought was about how Sarawat changed his perspective about what a relationship should be, that reciprocity is indispensable. In his past relationships, Tine was the one who took care of his lovers; he was the one who hugged, kissed, declared, comforted them when they weren't feeling okay and supported them with whatever they did. Back then, Tine thought his role in every relationship would be the given one, and that it was normal not receiving anything back just like it was with his exes. He used to think it was normal not being taken care of or not being the one receiving love or attention, but Sarawat made him realized that was wrong. He taught him that in a health relationship there need to be partnership and reciprocity, made him understand that in a relationship you cannot give your best and accept just the minimum. With Sarawat, Tine learned that someone can take care of him, can show love for him, give him attention and support with the same intensity he does the same for his partner. Tine learned that it was possible to be comforted, to show his vulnerabilities without the fear of being judged, just the assurance of support. Being in a relationship with Sarawat made him notice that a real relationship, a real partnership is this, holding your lover and letting them hold you too, showing your care for them and accepting their care for you. Loving them and accepting their love for you.
Accepting love. That's something Sarawat definitely changed in him. Due to his past relationships, Tine thought he didn't needed to be loved, he only needed to love them and that's all. Maybe this was one of the reasons that made Tine believe he wasn't worthy of being loved, but again Sarawat proved he was wrong. When Tine used to remember that Sarawat looked for him for a entire year, and then suffered for months trying to conquer him, fought so hard to have him on his side, Tine couldn't understand why. But then, while being together with Sarawat, he started to understand Sarawat's love for him. By his side, Sarawat was always happy and smiling, laughing and having fun. He always talked about how amazing Tine is, that he's funny, gentle, kind, nice, clever, caring, lovely, hardworking and never failed to make him feel the happiest man in the world. Sarawat was always pointing to Tine reasons that made him fall so in love with him, and little by little Tine started to realize that he indeed have qualities that could make someone love him. He, Tine Teepakorn, has the ability of being loved. He's worth enough to be loved and with his beloved help he could finally accept it.
But Sarawat didn't only helped him with this specific insecurity, because he has a love of them. Tine thought he wasn't beautiful enough, smart enough, nice enough. He always put people's desires in front of his because he thought his wishes were worthless than other people's. Since the beginning Sarawat knew this part of Tine and always tried to help him grow more confidence and be able to give himself more value. Tine thought about how Sarawat was always talking about how beautiful he's and that Tine's smile was the prettiest in the world and his eyes were so bright that looked like they hold constellations inside them; he was always rambling about how smart his boyfriend was, always kissing his entire face when he did well in a test or presentation, also always comforting him when one of his grades weren't that good, not failing to reassure him that one bad grade wouldn't change that fact that Tine is smart. Sarawat loved reassuring him that he was a amazing person, that he always excited everyone around him and lifted the mood of the environment, and because he was such a incredibly person he shouldn't think people's needs are more important than his. Tine learned that relationships can't fix people's insecurities, but having someone by your side, never failing to reassure you about how valuable you are, definitely helps. He concluded that dating Sarawat didn't magically quell his insecurities and fears, but his boyfriend's love helped to diminish them.
When a stray dog barked, Tine woke up from his reverie and looked up at the sky, wondering that he must have been thinking about Sarawat for a while since he noticed the moon had moved and was in another position than it was when he arrived the square.
Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes for a second and opened again, being welcomed with the sight of the beautiful cosmos in the sky. Looking at them Tine felt a little comforted, thinking that the starts above him were the same above Sarawat. That they were laying under the same stars and being blessed together by their grace. He wondered if his lover was looking at the them now just like he was, appreciating the star Sirius shining like it owned the entire sky. Sarawat once told him that this one was Tine's star, the most shinning one that stands out among thousands, just like Tine. The boy smiled remembering his boyfriend saying this.
Damn, I miss him so much that it hurts, Tine thought.
Still looking at the stars he remembered about when Sarawat told him he would be gone for two weeks. Tine felt extremely sad, and then felt stupid for this. He thought that two weeks aren't a lot of time, it's just a couple of days and that's all. But the thing is that Sarawat and him have such a bond at this point that Tine thinks they're intricate, making it hard being apart.
In one year Sarawat become a such important part of his life. He was there with Tine in almost every part of his day, so even though they would be apart for only half a month, Tine couldn't help but feel extremely empty with Sarawat's absence.
In a little bit more than twelve months, Sarawat's and his connection grew to the point where he considered Sarawat his anchor, his rock on which he could always lean in and stop him from falling. Tine thought that the stubborn and gorgeous man wasn't only his boyfriend that he could kiss or make love and that's it, just like in relationships he knows. Sarawat was also his friend, his partner, someone Tine was sure would fight the world for him only to make him happy. Someone Tine loves so much and that loves him back that Tine is sure he's the person he wants to walk hand in hand, side by side, along the long path that was called life.
Tine thought about how Sarawat is there when he wake up in the morning, ready to hug him or ask to be hugged because he's super needy when he's sleepy. He's there when Tine is laying on the couch and studying hard for a test, just being by his side until Tine was finished and is finally free to be welcomed by kisses and hugs. He's there to comfort Tine when he's facing some struggle.
A delicate tear made his way through Tine's cheeks, but his mind wasn't able to stop thinking about how much he miss Sarawat; he in the bed next to him, teasing him when they were brushing their teeth, their pillowtalks late in the night, the way their hands rose until they intertwined when they were waking side by side, eating with him, laughing with him, playing guitar when one of them couldn't sleep, his lips kissing his body and his skin touching his with so much love. He just miss Sarawat in every possible way.
He knows maybe he's being dramatic, but the thing is that he's used to be with Sarawat all the time, he feels so good by his side and had grown so much love and affection for him that being alone again just make him feel empty since Sarawat's company makes him feel complete.
Arriving at home and being welcomed by the silence instead of Sarawat's voice was something Tine noticed was scary. For him, home is only complete with the sound of Sarawat's voice talking to him or singing a song, of his laughter when they were having fun, him teasing Tine or vice-versa, the sound of his breath in Tine's chest or the melody of his moans when they make love, always together with the melody of his voice whispering I love you in Tine's ear when they finished. Tine just wanted Sarawat's sounds to be the soundtrack of his life.
A strong breeze hit Tine and he shriveled. He slowly sat up and and tossed way some more tears that made their way down his face. The boy decided that it was time to go home, so he got up from the grass, but before he could turn to go home he heard a notification noise from his cell phone. Frowning and wondering who would be texting at this hour, Tine took out his cell phone and unlocked it. He saw that the one texting him was Sarawat. He let out a soft chuchkle while opening the message and thought that of course it was his boyfriend. Sighting, he started to read the text.
From: my saraleo ♡
hi tine. you're probably sleeping right now, so I hope the phone noise won't wake you up. we finished practicing hours ago, but I couldn't sleep, so I decided to sit at dim's balcony for a while to take a fresh air and then go to sleep. but it's been hours since I'm here and I can't move because I've been thinking about you. I just wanted to say I miss you a lot, nuisance. really a lot. you're the best part of me. these days far from you just made me be more sure about something I already was one hundred percent sure: I never wanna be far from you, ever. I just wanna marry you. I know you're probably rolling your eyes and mentally pushing me but it's true, tine. I've never been so sure that I wanna make you my husband someday and spent all the days of my life with you. I'm probably not making sense and talking disconnected but I just wanna say a lot of things but you know this texting thing isn't really my thing, but I'm trying for you. I've been looking at the sky during these hours I've been sitting here, and couldn't stop thinking about you. sirius is shinning so bright today, just like you. I love looking and them and like to think that since they're part of the universe that brought us together, they helped us too. I wonder if their light illuminated the path that led me to you. if you're awake hope you're looking at them too, it'll connect us since we're under them, the same stars. I just can't wait to go home, and by home I mean you.
When Tine finished reading the text, a beautiful smile invaded his face and he looked at the stars for a last time. He felt his heart tighten as he looked at them, knowing that Sarawat was watching them too. Tine felt closer to him knowing that even from afar, the light from the cosmos that lightly caressed his face was doing the same with Sarawat's.
Wat, I wanna marry you someday too, he murmured at them and smiled, like he was telling the astros a secret. Then finally turned to go back to the apartment, a space he would only call home again in a few days, when Sarawat was finally there again.
brightwin Sat 29 Aug 2020 05:24PM UTC
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sunfloiwer Sat 29 Aug 2020 06:04PM UTC
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Covaleen Sat 29 Aug 2020 10:26PM UTC
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sunfloiwer Sat 29 Aug 2020 11:11PM UTC
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