It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Why did he feel this strong pull towards him? He had to stop this before it got out of hand. Loving isn’t great, it doesn’t make you happy, nor does it make you strong. It destroys you, it makes you want to tear your heart out of your chest at 2 AM , it makes you feel worthless and alone.
How to people learn to feel alone? Because already at a young age you learn to love your parents, your sister, your brother , your pet. In the end they will either die or hurt you or leave you stranded with strangers who won’t give a damn about you, or your feelings.
Loneliness doesn’t just start cause you are alone, it starts because you had the feeling first that you could share it all with someone, but it’s the contrary.
He is too worthless, too scarred and sarcastic for Oliver. Why would he even be with him?
He puts on a façade, he makes himself look like this witty asshole and still; Oliver sees through him.
Maybe at first it was because he was handsome, at first it was for information too. The last couple of times though made it different. He was actually getting feelings for this dorky, nerdy guy that could easily loosen him up and make him laugh. He was enjoying it way too much.
But Oliver was different from the other men he has slept with, Oliver cares about him, wants to help him with everything. He has the feeling it is actually becoming a relationship between the two of them.
He cannot have that, he can’t be with someone who is such a loving, open and warm person, the phrase ‘’It’s not you, it’s me’’ represents his feelings at the moment. He is the worthless one, the one who can’t keep anything he once had.
So here he is. In front of Oliver’s house, preparing the emotional drama that is going to take place in a couple of minutes. He gathers the courage to knock on the door and patiently waits. After a couple of seconds the door opens
‘’Connor! What are you doing here? I thought you were working on a case?’’
After seeing Oliver’s happy face he had to resist the urge to grin at him. He couldn’t be selfish, he couldn’t keep Oliver for himself, even when he so strongly wants to.
‘’Hi Oliver, I wanted to speak to you for a moment’’
Oliver looks at him with these confused puppy eyes. Connor hasn’t called him by his full name for quite some time so it has to be urgent.
‘’ Yeah sure come in, I’ll make some coffee and we can talk.’’
They slowly walk in together and there is a thick tension in the room. He keeps chanting in his head: Don’t fuck up, Don’t fuck up, Be straightforward and get out of here before the longing of home gets too big.
They sit down and Oliver looks at him expectably. ‘’ You can start you know, I’m sure it can’t be so bad that we can’t fix it’’
That is exactly something he didn’t want to hear, he didn’t want to hear any more sweet words. Sweet words turn cruel when anger gets the fuel. He had heard it in the past, he will hear it in the future. He had to say it right now, he had to get away before he was tempted to stay
‘’I don’t think what is going on between us is going to work out Oliver, I don’t think that I will ever really get feelings for you the way you will get feelings for me. It is better if we break it off right now’’
The words hung in the air and it took Oliver a couple of seconds before realization dawned upon him, and even longer before he responded with a blank look on his face
‘’ Get out’’
The hurt look that flashed across Oliver’s face was un miss able, and that picture is going to be burned on his eyelids surely for the next two weeks, if not longer
‘’Get out Connor, I don’t want to see you ever again!’’ Oliver stood up and Connor felt tears threaten to pour out of his eyes. He had to conceal it, he can’t let Oliver know the reason why he is doing this.
Then happened one thing that Connor hadn’t counted on, that probably nobody would have counted on: Oliver started screaming at him.
‘’YOU SON OF A BITCH I SHOULD’VE KNOWN THAT YOU WERE USING ME. I OPENED UP TO YOU BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT YOU COULD CHANGE, AND THAT YOU COULD SHOW ME THE REAL CONNOR. WELL, FUCK YOU! YOU ONLY NEED ME BECAUSE OF YOUR GODDAMN JOB AT KEATING AND BECAUSE YOU CAN’T KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS! YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR FUCKING NAME TO ZEUS CAUSE YOU THINK YOU ARE THIS MIGHTY GOD AND ABOVE EVERYONE, WITH YOUR LONELY GOD COMPLEX,NOW SHUT UP AND DON’T BOTHER COMING BACK EVER AGAIN’’
By the time Oliver had finished he was out of breath and looked at him with scarily calm eyes.
‘’I will say it one more time Connor, Get. Out.’’
Well, that’s exactly what he did.
He couldn’t remember how he got home. His body had changed to automatic pilot until he closed the door of his cold apartment. Who cared about his expensive furniture? You can’t call it a home if it doesn’t have anything you love. That’s why Oliver was home.
He felt the plain numbness of loneliness wash over him. How had it gotten to this point? To the point where he breaks people because he can’t get hurt himself, that’s why he’s selfish, why he pushes everyone away. People can either make or break you, and a lot decide to leave scars that you will carry with you your whole life.
Connor has always had secret admirers, boys and girls. But why would looks matter ? it is only your appearance. It does not define you, it just shapes a first impression that can be broken.
But he desperately tried to keep this impression up, against everyone, everyone but Oliver. Oliver had seen little bits of this real Connor, the Connor who actually wants physical comfort. That needs other people to show that they care
He had indeed proven how worthless he was, how Love can break you to pieces but can also melt you into a new form.
He didn’t even register the tears streaming down his face until his phone had little drops of water. When he unlocked his phone text message popped up with a photo attached to it.
It was a text from Oliver before he had come and see him:
I just wanted to send you this photo of us someone accidentally made ;P
The photo was of him and Oliver when they were drinking coffee at Delicatus and you could see Connor intently staring at Oliver
The look in his eyes scared him. Those were eyes of someone whom liked the other man a lot. Not the eyes of a man who wants to break up and say a quick goodbye.
He had to make this right, he had to at least try.
The journey back to Oliver was nerve-wrecking, he kept going over the words he would say. He didn’t know if Oliver would open up, or if he would even listen. But without trying doesn’t come result. And some results end up in Happiness.
He stood there in front of the door, suddenly thinking of all the possibilities that would happen if this went all wrong, which was probably the end result.
He knocked hesitantly and waited for the best. When he heard footsteps coming to the door his heart stopped for a second. He didn’t open the door. He just had to get this out, he couldn’t go to work and school tomorrow without the feeling that he had tried
‘’I don’t know if you are there Oliver, and I don’t know if you even want to listen but I just need to get this out and I need to know that I did try to win you back. I want to make a couple of things clear. Im a fuck up okay? I don’t know how to handle these feelings. I don’t know how to deal with the fact that sometimes my world revolves around you and that you are the reason I smile when I wake up. I don’t want to admit that I need to depend on someone, or that I get jealous. To love is to destroy right? Has anyone ever told you that?
Secondly I want to tell you that I like you, a lot. So much that it scares me most of the time.
Oliver will you please forgive me?’’
When the door doesn’t open after 10 seconds he can’t keep the tears in anymore. He starts sobbing and presses his fingernails into his skin. That stupid little voice starts to annoy him again
This is your own fault Connor, you’re the one that did this, you are the one that didn’t want to love, that didn’t dare to love. Why would Oliver even forgive you? Even people that are kind and nice have a line, a line that you have crossed with many miles.
All these thoughts keep pestering him until he feels a hand on his shoulder. He uses the other hand to lift his head up, Oliver looks at Connor and slowly pulls him inside. Inside the apartment that he calls home. Oliver turns around and slowly smiles at him
‘’ To love is to destroy Connor, But don’t you know that destroying is a form of creation?’’