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I Think I'd Rather Eat the Macarena

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Brittany lived with two cats. She also lived with two mice and a hamster, but they lived in her sister's room and she wasn't allowed to go in there. There was a sign. "Brittany keep out. She knows what she did! Elmyra Rulz!" It was all spelled out there in glitter pen. So, yeah. She lived with two cats, two mice, and a hamster. Plus her sister with her sign and her mom and her dad.

She lifted Lord Tubbington onto her lap and pushed her shoulders back so her chest would point at the camera. "Gee, Lord Tubbington, what would you like to do tonight?"

Lord Tubbington purred under her petting. "That's right. It's time for Fondue for Two." She hadn't been expecting an answer. Lord Tubbington was pretty easy going, but she liked to give him the option to choose their topic. Not like her sister, who had her own cable show, but never let anyone else make a suggestion.

Precious Charity looked up from where she was reading Brittany's diary (again!). "Personally, I think we should do what I suggest every night. Try to take over the world, but sure ask the cat that hasn’t been genetically enhanced." She turned a page and hissed. "How many times do I have to tell you that the Schmeerskahoven was my idea!" Her tail knocked over one of Brittany's stuffed unicorns. "It was mine. Mine! Mine! Mine! Like everything in this room is mine."

Brittany sighed. She didn't want to have this argument. Not again, especially not on her show, because she already had a topic. Although, she had come up with the words and the choreography for Schmeerskahoven. She'd even arranged for that flash mob at the mall. And let Precious drive when she needed to make a getaway from the video store.

Brittany stroked Lord Tubbington. He'd never totalled her car. She held her chin up, because that was important and said, "Tonight, we're going to talk about how we can all help gummy worms live in peace with the chips." This was a topic that she'd really taken to heart. Ever since they'd started learning about it in science. She waved her hands at the plate of mixed gummy worms and chips. Living peacefully. It could happen if the plates gave them a chance.

The door to her room opened. Brain wrestled his boringly dressed man suit through the door. He said, "I need the heating element in your hair dryer."

Brittany shrugged, but Precious hissed. "That's my hair dryer. Everything in this room is mine and you can keep your mousy hands off them." Which was how yet another episode of "Fondue for Two" ended up with Precious grabbing the laser gun that she kept stashed in Mr. Snuggles' bouncy pouch and shooting at her sister's big headed mouse. Then, like every other week, Brain’s man suit reassembled into a bright purple and green (Brittany had helped Pinky pick out the colors) tank. Meanwhile, Brittany tried to explain the long standing feud between the gummy worms and the chips, which had tragically kept them apart. She hoped that her loyal viewers could hear her over the explosions, because this was important.

After an hour, she signed off and went to get a glass of water. She took Lord Tubbington with her because he didn't need to be exposed to Brain's latest rant.

Pinky poked his head out of her sister's room. He was clutching the bright green handkerchief she'd given him for his birthday. He whispered, "Fondue for Two was really beautiful tonight." He blew his nose. "Just like space jelly. Narf!"

She'd been hoping for exactly that reaction. She sniffed. "Thank you." She picked up Pinky and they went to the kitchen to discuss the sad plight of the gummy worms and how they could help them better understand the chips. Because, well, the background explosions during the broadcast had made it hard for Pinky to hear.

They had reached the part about baking when Brittany's phone buzzed with a message. She swallowed and exchanged a wide eyed look with Pinky, whose eyes filled with tears. She said, "I can't look. I can't look. Here you look." She put the phone down where Pinky could see.

He squealed and clapped his hands. "It's Santana. She wants you to help her take over the Prom."

"Oh!" Brittany's heart beat like she was exchanging sweet girl kisses with Santana right then. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky?"

Pinky nodded. "Yes, but I don't know where we're going to find pants that are shiny enough." Then he hit himself on the head as they said in unison, "The Mall!"

"Genius! Of course! Why didn't I think of it before!" Brain climbed up on the counter. "The rigid social stratification as exemplified by a High School Senior Prom with its complex rituals and formal acceptance of an elected king and queen makes it a perfect case study for taking over the World! My secret plan is to replace all the ballets with ballets that list my alternate identity, Albert Winkenstein, as the only choice."

"Brilliant, Brain. Just one question." Pinky scratched his left ear. "Where will we find enough balls to fit into the lots. That's a lot of balls."

"Narf," said Brittany. She handed Brain a damp napkin, because one of his ears was still smouldering from his fight with Precious. He used it to hit Pinky on the head, which hadn't been the idea.

"You fools!" Lightening flashed in the window behind Snowball as he balanced on the back of a kitchen chair. "Only suffering and misery can come from trying to take over the prom. Do you think that I have not tried. The posters. The glitter. The themes. They laughed at my corsage. It was a overly socialized version of a Hieronymus Bosch painting."

Brain sneered and inhaled to rant.

"Let's have some cocoa." Brittany really couldn't afford for them to destroy the kitchen (again).

"Zort. Cocoa," said Pinky. "With little marshmallow hearts in it that we can melt."

"Oh, Pinklet, what have I told you. The stars are far superior." Brain pulled out the stars to hearts marshmallow chart.

"Hah, you're all fools. Clearly it is the small blue moons that renders the best results in cocoa." Snowball pulled out his own chart. Which did appear to have moons in the lead.

"Of course, make everyone else cocoa. Help everyone else's plans to take over the world. But does anyone want to listen to my plan to take over the world." Precious clawed her way up the table and onto the shelves. She swished her tail. "You see this.” She arched her back. “You don't get to pet this."

Brittany sighed. "We'll put whiskey in yours." She made cocoa with Pinky's help and the kitchen was not destroyed. Precious did get really drunk and insist on pole dancing to "Corrupt" by Karissa Noel. Lord Tubbington drank water out of the toilet.

Santana sent three texts indicating that Brittany should help her take over the Prom. Brittany texted, "Yes." Of course, she sent yes. She had a great idea for a dance called Chramecirum (the name was Pinky's idea) and if that didn't help Santana take over prom, well, Brain would think of something.

Tomorrow night.