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Heavens to Billy

Chapter Text

Several Days Later

Giddy as they pulled up, Paul jumped out of the van and sprinted to the entrance.  Huma rolled her eyes at him as she unseated an adorably violent Hillary Astrid.

“Hershey Park,” Bill said, pale skin seeming extra white as he wore a t-shirt and shorts.  “Ugh,” he said, gagging, “this fucking place smells like chocolate!”

Kurt helped Hillary out of the van, and she inhaled, eyes resting at half-mast.  “God, this place smells like chocolate!”

Only wearing swim trunks, Joe walked up to the couple.  “Soon-to-be wife,” Joe cooed, stroking Hillary’s hair, “I smell candy…and sex.”


“Enough!” Hillary said, holding Bill’s hand.  “You already know that I’ll never marry you, Joe.”  She took a breath.  “Besides, when Bill dies, I plan to date Meryl.”

“Fuck!” Joe yelped, stomping the pavement.  “No one can compete with her, Hillpot!  She can play anybody, including a virile, vice president of a man!  She a master of disguise!”

“Billy?” Hillary cooed, ignoring Joe.


Hillary looked down.  “I’m gonna spend my day reading novels next to the Chocolate River.  Stay away from all dairy, fried foods, and every single ride.  I don’t want you getting a stomach ache from tasting all the rollercoasters.  However, if you’re good,” she said, finger on his chin, “you can have fresh churned ice cream at noon.”


“Since it’s Paul’s day, I got the owners to allow smoking throughout the campus,” she said, showing him her pack.

“He’ll love that,” Bill cooed, kissing Hillary’s lips.

“Humey!” Paul called, smoking four cigarettes at once.  “They’re not even trying to arrest me!”

Happy, Bill kissed Hillary’s crown.  “Hill?”


He looked down.  “Thank you for choosing lesbianism.”


“I’m serious, Hillary!  I knew you’d consider pie, and you just needed the right push.”

Hillary licked her lips.  “You’re right.”

Bill’s eyes grew big.

“But today,” she said, shuffling her foot across the ground, “I’m craving sausage.”

Excited, Bill swallowed.  “Don’t fuck with me, Hillary.”

“I’m not,” she said, grinning widely.  “I’d love some sausage, especially while we ride the chocolate merry-go-round.”

“Dammit!” Bill yelled, grabbing her hand and running.  “We don’t have time to waste!”


As Paul and Huma kissed, Hillary Astrid hurled rocks at Joe.

“Humey,” Paul cooed.


Paul looked down.  “I’ve been thinking, and uh, I’d love to have another baby with you.”

Huma bit her lip, intrigued and touched.

“I know the pregnancy with Hillary Astrid was hard, but every time I see you, I basically wanna shoot a baby inside of you.”

“Gosh, Paulie,” Huma said, moving her hair behind her ear.

“I’d offer to carry the baby myself, but until Ralph finally figures out how to get a male pregnancy to term, I don’t think it’ll be feasible.  I’m sorry, Humey,” he said, shuffling his foot across the pavement.

Huma smiled, hand on Paul’s chin.  “Let’s do it, Paulie.”

Paul’s eyes grew big.

“Hillary Astrid would do well with another baby around.  Maybe it’ll curb her propensity to engage in deadly violence.”

“I was thinking the same thing!” Paul yelped, hugging Huma close.


Upset about Hillary choosing to date Meryl in the future, Joe sat on the ground, not fighting back against an even more violent Hillary Astrid.

“Go on,” he cried, face in his hands.  “I was so fucking close, and now I’ve lost out to the award-winning, acting sensation known as Meryl Streep!”  He sobbed before picking up a thrown rock.  He opened the wrapper and ate it with quirked eyebrows.

“Joe,” Maxine said, wearing a bathing suit and kitten heels.

“Max,” he cooed, swallowing.  “I thought you were on a kill mission in the Andes, determined to take out Jimmy Carter’s right hand man, Bono.”

She helped him up.  “His name’s Bonzo,” she said, with emphasis.  “And he’s dead!”

Joe’s eyes grew big. 

The two remained silent, and Maxine became incensed.  “Well?!”

“Well, what, Maximus?!”

“How do I look?!”

“Like fucking chocolate!” he yelped, making out with her.


Riding on the empty merry-go-round that afternoon, Bill made out with Clittie.

Fuuuckk…” Hillary moaned, holding to the horse’s chocolate leg.

“Mmmp,” Bill moaned, having the time of his life.  “Hill, can you believe they let me do this with my bare ass hanging out?” he asked, slapping his own ass.

“I can’t,” she moaned, nearly overcome with arousal.

“Damn,” he said before licking her a bit and pulling away.  “I always forget how much you love this Sweet, Sweet Ass™.  And like Hillary,” Bill said, quickly turning to the readers, “You can love my ass, too!  For $79.99 you can enjoy Bill Clinton’s sweet, sweet ass by ordering Bill Clinton’s Sweet, Sweet Ass™,” he said, holding up the soft-molded replica.  “It jiggles!  It jives!  It loves being between massive thighs!”

“Fuck!” Hillary screamed, pulling Bill closer.

“And like Hillary,” he said, thrilled about her pleasure, “you, too, could be singing its praises.”

“Make them go away, Bill!”

“Bye, kids!” Bill yelped, as Hillary pressed his face back to her center.  “I glahgalahgalah.”

Hillary nodded, and pushed away the camera.