Actions

Work Header

Murder Parrot

Work Text:

Now you must be wondering how Wei WuXian got into this situation. Two cute, hot, and sexy policemen brothers pointing their guns , literal guns at him while his pet cockatoo was screaming its heads off and flying in circles around them like it's gone mad, or maybe he’s also going crazy too, Jiang Cheng was right. 


So let's look back earlier to this afternoon. 

 

Wei WuXian was finally able to move out of the stuffy family house and into his own place, things were getting hard after Jiang YanLi married and moved in with the peacock and Jiang Cheng moved overseas for college. He could only tune out the constant squabbles that happen almost daily to a certain amount without going mad himself. So removing himself out of the situation would probably improve things and them a good break. 

 

Honestly, lady luck really was in his side when he managed to buy a simple two-story house in the suburbs of Yiling, it was only a half an hour commute to his workplace and a ten-minute drive to the nearest mall. Wei WuXian was in the midst of moving all the packed boxes in, lugging them in and placing it haphazardly in the corridor, his good friend, Nie HuaiSang had been shooed back by him when he deemed him unhelpful, said man didn’t want to do any heavy lifting, making excuses how that would damage his newly done nails so instead of taking up the already cramped space, Wei WuXian kicked him out.

 

With a groan he leaned back against the kitchen counter, looking out at the sea of boxes, it would be hell to unpack all of them. He’s already dead tired, to sort the mess out within today would be impossible but one thing he did make sure to set up first was the huge ass cage placed in the corner of the living room. Then came a loud screech from somewhere, followed by a series of flapping sound before a black and red blur crashed into him. The air was knocked out of him, he barely gathered his bearing enough to not drop the bird, there it is, his best non-human friend, SuiBian, a beautiful Dracula Parrot, with a head like a vulture and dark- glossy red and black feathers and an air of mysteriousness that would be quickly broken by the shrill squawk it lets out or the streams of clicks and odd sounds the smart bird mimics. 

 

Another plus to living alone was that there wasn’t anyone there to yell at him to shut his bird up, perhaps his neighbours will but he’ll get to that point when complaints come in — he had better stock up on Jiang YanLi’s apology cookies soon then. SuiBian fluttered off his perch that was his head and balanced atop the precariously stacked cardboard boxes filled with who knows what, he sees the tower wobbled at the added weight before settling down, Wei WuXian was relieved there wasn’t any further mess to clean up. He stalked over to move the bird off the boxes before an accident happen but the unfamiliar sound of the doorbell came and nearly scared him into the tower. “Alright, buddy stay right there and you better not make a mess.” He gave the parrot a stink eye, he received a sharp scream in reply. 

 

He ambled passed items strewn on the ground, nearly tripping once before reaching the front door. Pulling the door open, he was greeted by two uniformed men, policemen — One had a gentle smile on his face, delineating him from the neutral look of indifference of his twin(?) brother. Wei WuXian then realised how disheveled and crappy he looked, in some random crumpled sweat-stained shirt and shorts, hair pulled up in a messy knot and honestly not the first best impression to anyone, especially hot men. “Good Afternoon sir, I am Officer Lan XiChen and this is Officer Lan WangJi.” The two flashed their badges at him, Oh they are brothers. “Are you the owner of the house?” Wei WuXian nodded numbly in reply, his brain still rebooting at the two immortals that had just descended onto his porch.  “Alright, We have received some calls from the neighbors of suspicious sounds coming from this supposed unsold building but it seems like there is some misunderstanding.” Lan XiChen waved to the ‘Sold’ sign before the house. 

 

“Mm, haha I’m Wei WuXian and I just moved in today, a rather last-minute move so I hadn’t got the time to visit the neighbours nor would they have seen me around.” Wei WuXian laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. “You said something about a suspicious sound? That is probably me moving things around, this is so embarrassing for two hot officers to come by because of this.” Wei WuXian groaned into his hand. Lan XiChen seemed flattered by the compliment, if not a little flustered but not offended but on the other hand, Lan WangJi eyes narrowed, the corner of his mouth twitched and his ears were a brilliant shade of red. Oh god, he just pissed off a policeman, is it a felony to flirt with officers on duty? Can a law student that is his brother, Jiang Cheng be his lawyer for his case? 

 

“Shameless” These were the first word Lan WangJi contributed since meeting and damn that voice made him hot and bothered and he wanted to hear more. 

 

Wei WuXian was slowly spiraling into a gay panic cum mental breakdown and SuiBian the dumb parrot decided it was the best time to belt out its best series of blood-curling screams, sobbing, and cries of help. Seriously? Right as he has his gay panic of the week? Rude. 

 

It didn’t come to him that suspicious sounds that people heard could be SuiBian being himself, he was used to the silly bird and its antics, it irritates him but he does his best to tune it out but to outsiders, it could sound like many things. SuiBian was adding fuel to fire, he looked back up from his breakdown, and saw the officer’s faces had turned an ashy pallor and their body tensed, Lan WangJi even had a hand placed over his firearm. He jolted into movement, holding his hands before him in a placating manner but apparently that triggered the two officers more.

“Aish, haha wow calm down, put those guns down. I swear it’s not what you think it is, I didn’t kidnap anyone or do anything criminal-y..although I probably wouldn’t mind kidnapping either of you two hot officers” Wei WuXian winked, the gay panic part of his brain have took over and wracked his brain to mouth filter. 

 

There was the sound of a throat clearing, Lan WangJi looked more constipated (and redder) than before and Lan XiChen had a complicated look on him. “Mr. Wei, I don't think this should be something you should say or joke about with two officers, especially in this scenario.” Neither of their hands has moved to place the guns down. His attempts to add humour and de-escalated the situation did not help and neither did SuiBian as he screeched again from the partially ajar door behind him. “HELPPP!!!” 

 

“Mr Wei please step away from the door and allow us to take a look around the house.” Lan XiChen shifted fully into business mode, his voice firm and commands authority, a shiver went down his spine, damn what these two brothers do to him. 

 

“Err…” Crap his house was a mess still, a total tripping hazard and not a sight for the two men he was trying to impress (he’s already doing very terribly). “Fine..just urm give me a second or a minute to tidy the place up..” Wei WuXian shot a (shady in Lan WangJi’s books) look back down the hallway. 

 

Lan WangJi glared down at him “Do not resist or we will force our way in.” 

 

“AHHHH HELP ME PLEASE!” SuiBian rips out another horror movie-grade scream. Wei WuXian could see how tightly wounded the two brothers were getting after every desperate cry for help. “For fucks sake, that stupid chicken really needs to shut his mouth up!” Then two guns were pulled on him, his hands shot up in a surrender motion. “Whoa, calm down, say no to violence. That’s just my stupid parrot screaming, I swear! You know what, I’ll just bring him out as proof.” Without waiting for any response, Wei WuXian slammed the door on their face (highly don’t suggest,  -10/10, never trying again), he left the two antsy officers behind, with their guns trained on the door. 

 

Wei WuXian was a man on a mission, he needs to catch the damn bird before he winds up behind bars for whatever law he broke. Another n th number of screeches, he felt like his ears would bleed any second, he was going to have roasted parrot tonight if SuiBian doesn’t shut up and get down from his perch. At least it hadn’t moved so he didn’t need to search and hunt him down. “Get down here you menace!” He hissed, jumping futilely to grab at it, he swore he was being mocked by the glint in its eye.It was a poorly thought out action as on his third? Maybe the fourth jump, his elbow went down the wrong angle and knocked a series of boxes, a resounding thump and crash echoed the house.

 

The two hot officers' patience seemed to have worn thin and decided that time was of the essence; they decided not to wait any longer as his new door was kicked down like it was made of wet cardboard. On the outside, the sounds of his struggles and endless horror movie-esque screams fueled many imaginations on sadistic and horrific torture, this was what also prompted the two to move in, trespassing and other charges be damned. 

 

It was a flurry of movement, blurred figures, upended boxes, and a cacophony of random sounds, especially screaming but not only from SuiBian, Wei WuXian hadn’t known when or why but he joined in the screaming. ‘The more the merrier, you know.’ As quoted from his dramatic ass best friend, Nie HuaiSang before he joined the fainting crowd into unconsciousness, face first. 

 

And this was how he ended up in this situation, two cute, hot, and sexy policemen brothers pointing their guns at him while SuiBian was screaming its heads off and flying in circles around them like it's gone mad while he too took part in the screaming. It took a bit before he ran out of breath to continue the screaming competition, he send a scathing look to the flying bird. “You menace. First, you made me look bad in front of my new neighbours and now the hot policemen I’m trying to flirt with.” his eyes locked with Lan XiChen’s and Lan WangJi’s briefly.

“And now you're trying to escape! Should have let Jiang Cheng cook you when we were 11.” Wei WuXian threw his hands up in the air as SuiBian flew towards the broken front door. 

 

There was a light puff of air, followed by a giggle then poorly hidden laughter. Wei WuXian turned to the officers, Lan XiChen was losing it, trying to hide his amusement behind his hand, Lan WangJi had this look on his face, which was honestly a mood for this mess, although his ears took the interesting bright red again.

"Um...yeah so your criminal is trying to escape...or not..." Wei WuXian pointed to the parrot that decided that Lan WangJi’s peaked cap was a suitable perch. The stench of vinegar filled the room, Wei WuXian realised it was him chugging said vinegar and it was over his dumb pet making a claim on Lan WangJi, although just the hat. SuiBian let out a loud satisfied squawk, there was the sound of splatters then said bird flew off the cap, a nice fresh white mark stained the dark blue fabric. Lan XiChen really lost it, laughing his head off at Lan WangJi’s scandalous expression, said man looked like he was going to qi-deviate or have a stroke as the birdie poop slid downward, staining the pristinely pressed uniform. It was a riot, Wei WuXian didn’t know to laugh or cry, he decided on something in between, sobbing between bouts of laughter when SuiBian joined in too. 

 

This funny story would find its way around the Cloud Recesses Precinct despite gossip being forbidden. Sadly SuiBian didn’t end up on the menu as roast chicken but he did end up with a hefty dry cleaning bill and a date or two from the brothers. 

 

One day the trio would look back to this fateful day in fondness but mostly amusement in Lan WangJi’s expense, it was the anniversary of when they first met. Wei WuXian felt blessed and drowning in love from his family, it was perfect, his two hot muscly husbands, Lan Zhan and Lan Huan, his two little radishes, Lan SiZhui and Lan JingYi , their warren of small fluffy rabbits and SuiBian who just his usual self. “I love you all...but maybe not SuiBian.” There was a round of giggles, (Lan Zhan simply huffed in amusement) and an indignant screech from SuiBian.