I'm sitting and writing a letter to you, a letter. It's nothing important, atleast not to you.
It's something that I've been thinking about for a really long time now. Something that is fixed in the marrow, it's nothing dangerous, don't worry. I've tried to think up a good way to express myself on this issue for several years now. Not only about the writing, about everything. I've been contemplating to say it over the phone but I know that that would have made me bail so I didn't do it.
So I thought that the easiest way to do this was to write you a letter, and here we are.
It's been hard on me. It feels as if my hwole life so far has all been a big, fat lie. It feels as if the real me doesn't actually exist.
No one knew that something was different.
I've always been that one loud person inside of the classroom, always wanting to get my opinion through. It's not quite as true as everyone makes it seem, I'm not as forward as everyone seems to think. I'm actually pretty insecure but no one knows that.
Sure, I can have a opinion about all and nothing but when it comes down to the most important thing, I haven't uttered a single word about it.
No, because I'm too afraid of the matter that's most important to me. I don't even dare to bring it up and make it seem as if I'm not referring to myself. Just the thought of you finding out makes me mute. It forms a lump in my throat and I can't seem to get air down to my lungs correctly. That's why I haven't said anything to you in all the years that's gone by.
It's now 24.01.
You're 21 now. Happy birthday. I wish I could be there and see you unwrap my gift but I know that I would've broken down when you gave me that famous smile of yours and then the hug full of blindness.
But I've finally made the decision to tell you this because we don't have much time left. Or rather, our time together is already gone. It disappeared the moment I stepped out on that terminal. That's why I'm giving you a letter, because in a couple of years when I come back you will have forgotten all about this. Because in a couple of years when I come back you won't be there by my side because of different reasons, all equally insignificant to me. The only thing I will feel about you is an everlasting longing, whether you are there physically or not I will still feel the same void missing because I know that when we meet again I will not be the same person that I once was.
The person that comes back after all those years will be the real me. I won't care for you the same way then as I do now.
I will feel eternal gratitude to you because it was you that was able to dig this person to the surface.
I love you Jessica. I just wanted you to know that. You don't deserve all these lies wich has escalated over the years so I've made up my mind to come clean, to rinse off the weight from all the lies and hatred towards myself and let them fizzle out in front of your feet.
Yours forever, Madison.
The feeling that hits me when I read the letter from Madi is an undescribable feeling of panic. I haven't noticed anything under all the years that we've been together. Sure, I had a feeling that she was different from all of the girls in our circle but not that she would harbour such feelings towards me.
I thought these things only happened in TV: shows. I never thought something like this would happen to me.
I crumple down the letter in my pocket and rush down the sidewalk outside of my home that I will soon leave to live hundreds of miles away from my parents and thousands of miles away from Madi.
This is not true. This cannot be true. My hair flies loose behind of me as I run all the way to the airport and up to the ticket booth.
I buy a last minute ticket to Florida just in time with the flights' departure.
What am I supposed to say to her when I just come down to her without her knowing? I'm even wearing sweats, she's never seen me with that. I never show my face outside if I don't have trendy clothes and cosmetics. Maybe I've been too blonde these past couple of years, only thinking about myself and not noticing the important things happening around me.
The flight to Florida took five and a half hour, the bus to Madi took two hours. The clock was 10.00 when I left home and now it's 20.30 here in Florida and it's about three hours timedifference here from Oregons time.
Is she even home?
It's one block left. One block more and I can see her. I know that I've only been apart from her for two weeks but right now it feels like years have gone past since we last saw eachother, just as she said in the letter.
What if she's already changed? What if she's put everything behind of her?
There she is. Her hair is no longer long, curly and dark. It's short-cut in a boyish hairstyle and bleached.
She looks suprisingly good in this new style. I don't understand why she didn't cut her hair like that before.
Her clothing has also changed. Instead of miniskirts and crop tops she's wearing wrecked jeans and a washed Paramore T-shirt.
I feel like grabbing her, hug the air out of her and at the same time choke her. Instead I just stand numb ten meters away from her as she walks to a car parked against the sidewalk. Just as she's about to open the door I scream her name as if it's my lifeline.
When I'm finished I stand there waiting for her to react and walk towards me but she just stands still where she is without moving as much as a tiny centimeter from the place next to the car.
Without a single expression she looks back at me. She may fool others but I can see the suprise in her eyes. I get happy and is filled by a warmth that I've never felt before.
Suddenly I get all of my powers back and I stumble forward on unsteady legs. When I stand infront of her I do the first thing that comes to mind.
I grab her hard as if I'm afraid that she'll disappear right in front of my very eyes, as if she would run like dry sand through my fingers no matter how hard I fight to have her here with me.
She looks down on me the centimeters that divides us. She grabs my hands and I feel only now how strong she really is. What she does afterwards suprises me. I thought she was going to let go of me and tell me to leave but she does quite the contrary.
I take hold of her hands and even if I don't want to show it I hope that she's able to seeaffection and love hidden in my eyes.
Her hands moves upwards with mine until they're touching my cheeks. I sigh deeply and take in the sent of Lavender flowing from her skin.
She looks up at me with frightened eyes but the fear transforms into relief as soon as she sees what I'm doing.
- I've been dreaming about this, I wisper to her in small puffs.
- About how you come to me after you've read the letter. I've played it inside of my head so many times and every time it repeats itself there's something new but I never thought that you'd really show up.
I find myself having closed my eyes and I look down on her slowly again. Her cheeks is stained with tears and I immediately raise one of my hands along with one of hers and wipe the tears away.
She sobs quietly and presses her body against mine. After a while, when her sobbing has died down a bit I hear how she takes a deep breath with her face hidden in my T-shirt and then she stands high on her toes and kisses my chin. She can't reach higher than that.
I grab a hold of her waist and lift her up. She wraps her thighs around my waist and lets me hold her tight. Then she kisses me right on the lips.
A wind that brings with it a milion of butterflies swishes past inside of me and I shudder. I can feel the goosbumps on Jessicas' skin too. I drag myself away from her lips a bit unwillingly and I look her deaply in the eyes as my heart skippes beat after beat.
- I love you
Three short little words that can change your life forever. Three short words that can take two persons destinies and braid them together slowly but surely until they're the only ones left in this world or throw them like little shards on the ground until it's only a couple of smithereens for the eye.
- I love you too