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The One Where Dean Buys Extra Large Condoms

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Dean gave a cocky smile to the sales clerk that was eyeing his purchases.


The guy was hot in a mussed-hair, oddball kind of way, with dark hair and blue eyes. Blue eyes which were, Dean couldn’t help but notice, now eyeing him.


“Those aren’t going to fit,” the guy said, matter of factly.


Dean twitched and leaned his head back in surprise. Instead of being offended, he played it off with humor. “Oh, they’ll fit,” he said on a laugh. He smirked confidently.


The guy just eyed him again, brow lifted, and licked his lips in a bored way.


“Your total is fifty-five eighty-two.” The guy bagged the Durex XXL condoms and the bottle of Astroglide without further comment.


Dean made a face that wasn’t quite a glare and handed the guy his debit card. He glanced down at the nametag. Dean huffed out a derisive laugh. “Thanks, Asstiel.


The guy glanced down at the tag and sighed as he rolled his eyes. He pursed his lips angrily and ripped off the pinned tag with one hand as he hit a key on the register with the other. “It’s Castiel, actually.” He looked up at Dean. “My coworkers don’t have the most mature senses of humor.”


Dean just watched the guy in silence as he finished ringing him up. Then he grabbed his bag and his card with a tight, sarcastic smile and left the premises.




Dean grabbed the box of condoms, Trojan Magnums this time. He started up towards the register, but then realized the curvy cashier he thought was named Meg was heading out, to be replaced with the dark haired guy from the last time. Casiel? Castle?


Asstiel. That’s right, the guy’s name was Castiel.


Dean steeled himself for another round of less-than-stellar customer service. Yeah, so maybe he was trying the Trojans because the Durex had been too big. It wasn’t like the cashier would know that, though. The smart ass douche. Dean didn’t like him, even if his lips were kind of sexy and pouty.


And there it was. A little smirk and the lift of an eyebrow. Douche.


“Different brand,” the guy said, glancing at Dean.


Of course, he recognized Dean. Because that was just Dean’s luck.


“Yeah.” Dean shrugged. “Feels better. Plus, I trust them more.”


Castiel nodded and told Dean his total.


“Have a nice night.” Castiel’s hand moved a second too late and Dean’s hand grazed it as he took the receipt.


Dean left without replying.




Dean made a face when he realized who was standing behind the counter. He needed to just start buying his condoms at the big box stores like normal people. The savings weren’t worth coming to the porn store anymore. He came here to avoid being judged, but he kept winding up with the pouty-mouthed, scruffy, sex-haired douche.


Dean had grabbed Trustex Extra Large ones this time. The Trojans had proven to be too big as well. He wondered if Castiel was going to comment on these, too. Dean glanced around, pretending to browse the goods, and hoped someone else might come up to the counter to take over. He had no such luck. He did grab some more Astroglide and, on a whim, grabbed a one time use cock ring.


Dean watched the blue-eyed clerk, waiting for him to say something. He rang up the cock ring without so much as a twitch to his face, but Dean caught a telltale line between his brows at the Astroglide.


Dean glared, his eyes narrowed. “What?” he asked, daring the guy to say something.


Castiel glanced up innocently at Dean, but then reached over to grab a small bottle from a rack near him. “This stuff’s way better. I’ll throw it in free. Try it and see how you like it.”


Dean’s face fell neutral. That hadn’t been what he was expecting. It threw him for such a loop, he almost didn’t catch the suppressed smile Castiel sported when he picked up the box of condoms to scan them.


Castiel looked up again, meeting Dean’s eyes. “No brand loyalty, huh?”


Dean swallowed. “Just…trying it and seeing how I like it.”


Castiel gave him a lopsided smile and Dean’s eyes flicked to watch the man’s mouth. “I see.”


Castiel gave him his total and Dean was on his way.




Dean was buying Lifestyles King Size XL this time, in his pursuit for a better fitting condom. So far, nothing had worked out. He had a good feeling this time, though. Especially when he realized Meg was working the register instead of Castiel.


He decided to have a look around, maybe pick up some porn while he was there. Actually…


Dean glanced around at the lubes. He’d tried the Liquid Silk that Castiel had given him. It was, in fact, way better than the Astroglide, much as Dean didn’t want to admit it. He figured he’d pick up a full size bottle while he was there.


He strode up to the counter, friendly smile on his face. Just as he approached, the phone rang and Meg picked it up, turning her back to the counter as she hadn’t realized Dean was nearing. He started to get her attention, but Castiel stepped up from the little nook that was next to the counter.


Dean ignored the wide, pink smile that was given to him.


“So I was right, huh?”


Dean frowned. The guy couldn’t possibly know the condoms hadn’t fit. Could he?


“What are you talking about?”


Castiel held up the lube. “It’s better, yes?”


“Oh.” Dean cleared his throat. “Y-yeah. It is.”


Castiel nodded.


Then Castiel moved a box out of his way, and Dean did his best not to notice the bicep that bulged as the box lifted. Douche, he reminded himself.




Dean was well past irritated. Why did he have to have a weirdly sized dick? He had never been so annoyed at being well endowed. He hadn’t even realized condoms didn’t fit him right and were actually too short until that chick Starla had given him this whole lecture on the increased chances of STDs when using ill-fitting condoms.


Dean smirked, thinking back to her. Man, smart chicks were hot. Chicks that were biology majors and took courses on human sexuality were even hotter.


Hot or not, though, her knowledge had cost him a lot of money and irritation.


Dean grabbed a DVD that looked interesting. He hadn’t watched any good cowboy-on-cowboy action in a while. Then he grabbed some condoms called Contempo Mega and said a small prayer.


Then he saw the cashier and said another one.


Castiel gave a surprised look as he rang up the DVD. Dean took a little satisfaction in that. The cashier scanned the box of condoms and then eyed Dean. “These aren’t going to fit.”


Dean sighed, punching his lips outward in annoyance. “Seriously, dude?”


Castiel licked his lips and took a step back from the counter. “The Durex were too big, right?”


“You know, you’re awfully –“


“And the last ones were too small, I’m guessing?”


“I – what?” Dean stopped, his hand held in mid-air. He dropped it back to his side and his frown lessened.


“What size are you?”


“That’s not…I’m not...” Dean let out a hard sigh. Then he grinned, finding his usual reserve of cockiness. “Look, Castiel, you’re cute. Really. If it wasn’t for the attitude, you might even be hot. But I am not gonna tell you how big my dick is.”


Castiel narrowed his eyes and tilted his head, like some kind of homicidal puppy. “Do you want to stop spending all your money buying condoms you can’t use?”


Dean’s face went neutral.


What size are you?


Dean huffed a small breath laugh. “Dude, it’s not like I’ve measured.”


Castiel stared, one eyebrow barely raised.


Dean cleared his throat. “It’s…” He swallowed and glanced around the shop to see no one was around. “It’s just over 8 inches.”


Castiel nodded. He walked over from behind the counter, and Dean was surprised by the tan, strong legs that peeked out from beneath khaki shorts. Castiel grabbed a box from the shelf and walked quickly back and around the counter.


Castiel handed the box to Dean for him to look at. “Here.”


Dean read the text and smirked. “Rough Riders? Studded?” Through his lashes, he looked up to the dark-haired man across from him. “Seriously?”


“It’s ah…It’s the brand I use.” Castiel toyed at the collar of his shirt.


Dean flicked up an eyebrow. “Oh yeah?”


“Try them. See if you like them.”


They finished the transaction and Dean took his card back from the dark-haired clerk. He noticed Castiel lingered for a moment, his hand still holding to the plastic card. Dean gave the guy a curious look.


“You’re cute, too, by the way.” Castiel licked his lips and smiled.


Dean smiled and looked away before glancing back. “Uh. T-Thanks.”


“And you can call me Cas.”




Dean didn’t need condoms. The Rough Riders had worked great and he’d bought another, bigger, box pretty soon after. Meg had checked him out, though. And he was happy about that. He was. There had been no comments made, no judgments passed. It had been the perfect condom buying experience.


Yet, here he was, on a Tuesday night, stopped in at the porn store hoping to see a certain dark-haired cashier. Cause that was what winners did. Dean snorted to himself and then looked around to make sure no one caught him.


He finally settled on a DVD that didn’t get him super excited, but looked like it might not be awful. It was light bondage with a couple of bear looking guys. After he picked it up, he was walking past the toys when the word “Ass-gasm” caught his eye. Because, why wouldn’t it, really?


It turned out to be a prostate stimulator with a built in cock ring for long lasting erections. That could be…interesting. And it was less than 20 bucks…


Dean carried the toy and the DVD towards the front. He was far too glad to see Castiel – Cas – at the register this time.


Cas smiled wide when Dean walked up. “Hello.”


“H-hey.” Dean gave him a nervous smile, feeling like an idiot. Since when did he get goofy just because a bed-headed douche told him he was cute?


Cas rang up the two items. He seemed to glance at the toy a few times.


Dean, in a rough voice, said, “Just…ya know. Trying it. Seeing if I like it.”


Cas smiled and told him his total.




Dean had been in the porn store a few times lately, but hadn’t really bought much of anything. Another bottle of lube. Another cock ring when he felt weird just browsing alone in an adult shop and had realized Cas was working the register. He was getting by on free porn he scrounged from the internet in order to make up for the amount of money he’d wasted buying ill-fitting condoms.


Dean had made his way over to the toys and one in particular caught his eye. “Honey Dripper Anal Slider,” he said out loud, under his breath.


“It’s pretty good,” said a rough voice next him.


Dean jumped and the toy he’d picked up went flying. He fumbled trying to catch it, finally succeeding on the third try.


“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Cas said, his eyes wide.


Dean swallowed his heart back into his chest. “I just didn’t realize you were there.”


Cas finished wheeling over the dolly full of boxes he’d been moving. “I’m stocking tonight,” he explained.


Dean nodded and walked quickly away after replacing the toy on the shelf.




Dean pursed his lips and picked up the toy. He was not just buying it because Cas had said he’d liked it. That would be weird. He was buying it because it promised ‘deep P-spot stimulation.’ He carried it towards the front of the shop.


Meg had been at the counter when he’d walked inside, but now Cas was there.


“Hello,” Cas said, with his now usual smile. Dean had been in pretty regularly over the past month since Cas had walked up in the process of stocking.


“Dean. M-my name’s Dean.” He smiled, hoping he wasn’t being weird by introducing himself. Were you allowed to do that to porn sellers? Surely you were.


Cas gave him a gummy grin. “Hello, Dean.” He picked up the toy and kept his eyes on the register. “You decided to try it then?”


“See if I like it,” Dean said with a shrug.




Dean didn’t need condoms. If he was having any less sex, he could be a monk. Or his brother, he thought with a smirk. Still, it was optimistic to have them on hand. It seemed like maybe it would get him back out playing the field. He should probably get the biggest box. Just in case.


He grabbed the giant box of Rough Riders and walked to the front. His stomach did a little flip flop when he saw Cas was now behind the counter.


“Hello, Dean.”


“Hey, Cas.” Dean put the box up on the counter.


Cas smirked. “Are you stocking up for the apocalypse?” He smiled, but quickly rid his face of it. “Sorry, I shouldn’t… My boss has informed me I make too many comments. I apologize.”


“No it’s…” Dean smiled. “It is a big box.”


“It would seem I can be a bit of a douche sometimes.”


Dean laughed out loud. He licked his lips and suppressed a grin. “It’s fine, Cas.” He palmed the back of his neck. “I uh…Heh, honestly I don’t know why I’m buying it. Not like it’s gonna get used up any time soon.”


Cas’ eyebrows raised, but he said nothing.


Dean shook his head. “Um, ya know what? Let’s forget I said that.”


Dean busied himself by looking at everything in the store that wasn’t Cas. He could feel the blush creeping all over his cheeks.


They completed the transaction and Cas slid the receipt into the bag before handing it all to Dean. Dean turned to leave, but Cas spoke again.


“Dean. I threw in a little something extra in the bag. You can uh…try it.” Cas swallowed. “See if you like it.”


Dean smiled and nodded. “Thanks, man.”


Dean walked out to his car, curious as to what Cas had put in the bag. He hadn’t seen him grab anything, but he’d been studiously avoiding watching Cas. Dean frowned as his fumbling one-handed in the bag yielded nothing but the box of condoms and the receipt.


He let himself inside the car and then sat down, flicking on the dim overhead light above the rearview. He pulled out the condoms and double checked the bag. He frowned as there was nothing in it. Just then, his eye caught the receipt.


On it, in a quick blue-penned scrawl, was the name Cas with a small heart. Underneath, there was a phone number.




Dean took a deep breath. He’d waited a day, and was hoping Cas was off of work. He dialed the number.




“Hey, Cas, this…um. This is Dean.” He grimaced, eyes closed, at his smooth opening.


“Oh! Hello, Dean.” There seemed to be a smile in Cas’ gravelly voice.


“So uh…I decided to try that thing you gave me.”


Cas made an amused noise. “I noticed.”


“Oh. Yeah, I guess us talking kinda proves I tried it.”


“So do you um…” Cas cleared his throat. “Do you think you’ll like it?”


Dean smiled. “Yeah. In fact, I think I already like it.”