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You Are The Blood In My Veins

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It's not like you're gonna miss me, anyway.

Because, you know, everyone has that special someone, right? And that special someone has a special place in their heart, right? So why do I have to share that special place with someone else, always, over and over again? I have recently found out it is because I'm nothing special.

Not that I didn't know, of course; God, how I knew.

It's like a recording, everytime. Meet person, become friends, dare to say they are your best friend, and then it all falls apart. Slowly start realising you are not that person anyone needs, or anyone wants or.. What you want yourself to be.

And it stings somewhere, of course it does, but you don't know it yet and you leave those feelings for later because those are never important anyway, so you leave them to rot in silence.

But then after a while, you realise the pattern and you finally realise the problem; it wasn't your family or your friend or your habits or the nice boy in the flower shop that was just trying to help- it was you the whole time and it was your insecurity and your flaws and your awkwardness and not being enough.

And of course you are always so stupid and everytime you fall for the bait; it's okay, I've got your back, we're best friends, you mean the world to me- and you never do and they never do and they never did and it's like the world is playing a sick joke on you.

The joke is getting old, really. I'd tell you to find a better one, but this whole thing is a giant joke in itself.

BUT NO ONE IS EVER HERE AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS AND I ALWAYS HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE I'M FINE AND APOLOGISE FOR MY FEELINGS BECAUSE I'M WEAK AND PEOPLE HAVE IT SO MUCH HARDER BUT I NEVER DEALT WELL WITH LIFE AND I HAVE TROUBLE DEALING WITH IT DAILY BUT NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THAT BECAUSE I'M WHINY AND I DON'T MATTER AND I AM NEVER WORTH ANYONE'S TIME. And the fact that I know all of those things is even harder.

Cherish ignorance, it does wonders for the mind.

But it always seem as if everyone cares when it gets dramatic. You know, you tell your best fucking friend about how you feel AND SUDDENLY THEY ARE THE NICEST PERSON EVER.

Not that I blame any of this on him, God no, had it not been for him, I would have been gone long ago, but having someone so precious in your life but never fully for yourself is such a shame.

Also, another thing that worries me. See, everyone has that something that everyone thinks is special about them. Be it humor, talent, the tendency to make sexual jokes.. it's there and it's awesome, and maybe it's a quirk or a flaw but it is special none the less.

I don't think I have that. Because I'm not funny, I'm not talented, not even good at the things I should be good at. And there's always someone better, and of course I know it's irrational but it makes me feel so damn inferior to everyone and.. I don't have anything to offer to the world, and it sure as Hell ain't offering anything back to me.

Funny how I expect people to understand me, and want me and love me; when I don't even do those things myself.

They say suicide is a coward's escape, but what am I if not the biggest coward anyone had the misfortune to meet?

All in all, I don't think anyone could miss me. (I don't think HE could miss me.) Simply because THERE IS NOTHING TO MISS ABOUT ME. I am only a faded face in the crowd, in my veins there's simplicity and sterile, clear liquid races through my heart. My sanity slips down my cheeks, and that's not something to miss, that's not something to remember.

Life is just.. not my thing, because life is hard and I am easy (no pun intended), and it's always said simplicity is perfection BUT AT TIMES I AM SO COMPLICATED AND MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE DOESN'T SEE BEAUTY IN ME.

There are fighters in this world, survivors, people who have battled and won, people with wounds to show how strong they are, people that struggle every day and yet are still here..

To think, even for one second, that I am one of them, would be an insult to all of them.