Daniel sighed; there were only so many angles from which he could sketch a penis. The little phallus sat proudly erect on his lab table, surrounded by books about ancient cults and fertility symbols in mythology.
He’d begun to think of P96-2114 as Planet Dick, mostly because Jack refused to refer to it as anything else. He had a point, in a way – that was all they’d found there, and they’d found them in abundance. More phalluses than the average archaeologist could shake a stick at.
Daniel turned the statue to get a better look at the base. The thing was certainly lifelike. In the end, it didn’t matter which of the objects they brought back with them - seen one phallus, seen them all. Daniel chuckled. Writing the mission report was going to be one long exercise in censoring out bad jokes and euphemisms, and he wasn’t looking forward to it at all.
“It’s a city full of…” Jack stopped and screwed up his face as he searched for the appropriate word.
“Phallic symbols,” Daniel supplied helpfully.
“This wasn’t in the mission briefing,” Jack said. He gave Daniel a look, but Daniel was too busy staring at the giant phallus directly in front of them. The thing was easily eighty feet tall, and an obscenely accurate model at that.
“Sorry,” Daniel said. “How was I supposed to know?”
Jack stared at the phallus. “This could give a guy a complex,” he grumbled.
“Obviously, this is a not-to-scale reproduction of human genitalia,” Teal’c said.
Daniel bit his lip to keep from laughing.
“Who says it’s not to scale?” Jack asked. He shifted in place, and Daniel wondered how hard it was for him to resist the urge to start comparing. Especially since he was trying hard not to picture things comparatively himself.
Carter wandered up the steps of the ancient palace and disappeared inside the wide entrance. Daniel followed her, with Jack and Teal’c close behind.
“This whole place is a giant shrine to reproductive organs,” Jack said, and he was right. Giant penii adorned the walls, the columns; the obelisks had their own distinct bent, aimed at an angle toward the sky. The carvings and paintings were a mixture of graphic sexual acts and just plain old phalluses, of every size, shape and color.
“This is amazing,” Daniel said. He began taking footage and stills immediately.
“So what do you think it’s all about?” Jack stopped dead before a mural of something that resembled an orgy. Fruits, wines, and animals were all…represented…equally. “Holy…whatta…wow.”
Daniel stared too, for a long moment, then took a deep breath and began, “In ancient Earth cultures, the phallus played an important part in basic rituals and cults. The, um, entire cult of Ra was probably built around phallic worship, as were some of the rituals of Osiris. Look at the obelisks the Egyptians built…those weren’t just for decoration. The theme repeats in numerous other cultures – Ethiopia, India, Rome – the cults of Cybelle and Attis – and then there’s Priapus, and the foundations of Shinto in Japan—”
“So everywhere you go, coc…the phallus counts.”
“You could put it that way, yes.” Daniel stopped snapping pictures and turned to Jack. “Procreation and fertility were central concepts in the ancient world. They weren’t hung up on sex the way modern cultures are. Public buildings were in fact adorned with phallic symbols. It was part of everyday life.”
“And it’s not now? You seen any billboards lately? Ads on late-night TV?” Jack asked, then waved a hand at him. “Never mind. Forgot who I was talking to.”
“I wonder what these were for,” Carter said, as she ran her instruments over an altar full of stylized, carved phalluses.
“Want me to speculate?” Jack said, as he picked one up and tossed it end over end, like he might toss a knife.
“No, sir,” Carter said, and she threw Daniel a look of desperation. “I’d rather you didn’t. Not…out loud, anyway.”
“Ah,” Daniel said, excitedly. He leaned in close and scrutinized one of them. “Look at these!”
“One cannot avoid looking at them, Daniel Jackson, as they are everywhere.” Teal’c sounded amused, and it made Daniel grin slightly.
“You’re right. But these are all in different styles, almost as though they’ve been collected from different artists, or sculptors, or…cultures. Or maybe different parts of the same culture. There are variations in color, and some distinct variations in the actual genitalia themselves….”
“Daniel, only you would be interested in the minutiae of a penis collection.” Jack winced as Daniel fixed him with a very pointed look. “That…just didn’t come out right at all, did it? Sorry.”
Daniel let him squirm for a minute; he raised his eyebrows and stared at Jack until Jack looked away. Jackson one, O’Neill zero. Daniel went back to examining the altar.
Jack cleared his throat. “Anything of significance here, other than body parts?”
Daniel said, “Can’t say for sure without taking more time to examine the chambers of the temple. In many cultures, treasures were hidden inside the temple as offerings to the gods. Anything of value, technologically speaking, would have been hidden there as well.”
“Nothing, sir. No emissions…” She stopped, flushed pink, and Daniel’s mind plunged into the gutter in a way it hadn’t since before he was married. Jack coughed, but mercifully, he let it die.
Jack’s lips quirked up in a small smile, and after a moment, Daniel grinned back. Carter’s pink became just a shade brighter, but she smiled as well. “Teal’c, you and Carter take a quick look around the rest of the immediate area. Daniel, with me.” Jack moved off toward the open doorway behind the altar.
“Jack, I really don’t think there’s going to be much to see down here,” Daniel said, following anyway. “This place has been abandoned for a long time. Anything worth taking would be gone.”
“That collection of dicks is still here,” Jack said, typically straightforward now that Carter was out of earshot. “I notice no one took those.”
“Until now,” Daniel said. “I need one or two to take back to the SGC.”
They came to a large room, completely empty aside from the vivid, scarred paintings on the walls. Daniel turned 360 degrees, entranced by the images, the meticulous detail. “Jack, this is really…”
“Amazing? Yeah. I know. I hear you thinking.” Jack shifted the P-90. “But you’re right, as usual. There’s nothing here.”
“What?” Daniel turned and looked at Jack; something had just registered with him. “Did you say I’m right, as usual?”
“I guess I did.”
“Jack, are you feeling all right?”
“What the hell kind of question is that?”
Daniel felt an absurd urge to close the space between them, to wrap Jack in a hug that would convey his feelings. It was rare, in these tough months since Sha’re had died, to hear Jack compliment him that way.
And then he remembered: Jack rarely complimented anyone, and even at that, Daniel still got more than his fair share. He pictured Jack’s face if confronted with a big, warm hug; the thought of it made him snort.
“Problem?” Jack said.
Daniel smiled at the ground. “No.”
“Grab your usual pictures, and then we’re outta here,” Jack ordered.
It didn’t take very long; Daniel had made a record of the room in less than five minutes. He’d given up on proper field methodology while in the field with SG-1. It just wasn’t possible. Mental notes, or super-quick field notes, were all he could spare time for.
They made their way back up to the main chamber of the temple, where Daniel grabbed his journal and scribbled some quick notes. “Jack, snag one of those phalluses, would you please?”
“Any particular phallus you have in mind, Daniel?” The question was light. Daniel didn’t even look up.
“No, not really. Any one will do. Just…pick one,” he said, distracted, as he counted the number of statues and sculptures on the altar. He barely noticed when Jack chose one and stuffed it into his pack.
They’d come away with nothing the Pentagon wanted; nothing exciting to put in the mission report, except for the fact that everything seemed to have taken on sexual overtones since they returned from the planet. Jack’s pronouncement that they’d found “dick-all” on the planet had sent Carter into giggles. There weren’t any innocent words or phrases anymore. Just that morning in the mess hall, Carter hadn't even bothered to blush when Jack’s “Stick a fork in me, I’m done,” produced a raised eyebrow from Teal’c and a smothered chuckle from Daniel.
Daniel looked at the sculpture and wondered for the first time about the sculptor. Had he had a model? Had someone bared themselves to the artist, or had the artist simply looked down at himself and…taken things in hand? The innuendo made him snicker again. So many sexual jokes, and he had thought he’d be tired of the juvenilia by that point, but apparently not.
“Whatcha laughin’ at?”
Daniel turned his face toward Jack, the remnants of the smut-induced grin on his face. “That,” he said, pointing at the phallus.
“Can’t get enough of it?” Jack said, with a grin, and Daniel grinned back.
“I feel positively…adolescent. It’s very silly,” Daniel said. He tapped the phallus with his pen. “I was just wondering how the sculptor felt about live models.”
“Oh, the places your mind goes in the quest for knowledge.” Jack leaned on the table beside Daniel, so close their arms were touching. “What’s it made of? It looks sort of…”
“Real. Yes, I thought the same thing. I asked Sam to do a few tests once I’ve finished making sketches of it.”
“You’re sketching it?” Jack asked. He reached underneath Daniel’s arm and tugged the notebook to the left, in order to see the drawing. “Very lifelike,” he said, and then they were grinning again. “Is it stone? Or…what?”
“Not sure,” Daniel said, and then watched as Jack’s hand moved, and closed over the top of the phallus, and swiped down it in one smooth motion. A spike of pure, unadulterated lust shivered through Daniel, like lightning touching every nerve ending, and he drew in a sharp breath.
“Something wrong?” Jack said, and Daniel was afraid to look at him, because his tone was seductive, and low, and so, so weird, and he liked it, and he refused to think about that, not thinking about it….
“Well, that depends on your definition of ‘wrong’, I suppose.” Daniel cleared his throat. “I should, um. Get back to…you know. Work.”
“What’s the hurry?” Jack leaned just slightly closer, until Daniel could feel Jack’s soft breath on the side of his face. “You think Sam’s just dying to get her hands on this?”
“Well, you were,” Daniel said sharply, and wondered what the hell was wrong with him. Jack was so close to him that all he would have to do was turn his head, and they would be –
“Daniel,” Jack said softly, and Daniel shivered, and words fled. And he thought – yes, I can do this, turn my head and he’ll touch me, we’ll be touching, I want him to touch me.
Which seemed like a plan, until Jack moved away suddenly. Daniel frowned down at the lab table. He was either losing his mind, or Jack was losing his. Or both. Either way, he was glad Jack had saved him from making an ass of himself.
“You know, the first time I tried to find your office down here, I thought they’d put you in the storage area. Might as well, for all the traffic you get.” Jack looked around for a moment before his gaze settled on Daniel, and there was something there that made Daniel feel undressed.
“It’s quiet. No one bothers me.” No one but Jack, his mind supplied.
Jack was rummaging around in Daniel’s desk, and Daniel swiveled on the chair to look at him. “What are you doing?” he asked curiously.
“Improvising,” Jack said. He held up two sheets of paper and a tape dispenser. Quickly, he folded the paper into halves and fit them together, then applied a piece of tape to the top open end. He grabbed a chair, pulled it closer to the security camera, and as Daniel began to catch on, he obscured the lens with the paper. “And there you go.”
“Jack, have you lost your mind?” Daniel stared at him. “This is a high security facility. You can’t just cover up a camera.”
Jack was moving toward him like a predator on the prowl. “What’s your problem, anyway? You don’t want this?”
“Want…what…? You’re—” And that was the last thing Daniel had the breath to say, before Jack had him, had grabbed his chair and hauled him out of it and pinned him against the lab table, and stolen breath and words with a devouring, thought-killing kiss. Jack pulled his glasses off, tossed them somewhere – Daniel heard them hit the table with a crack.
Jack’s hands were on him, pushing aside the shirt and skimming the surface of his t-shirt, targeting in on his nipples. Even through the fabric, the heat of that touch burned, made Daniel squirm against Jack even as higher reasoning struggled to reassert itself. Jack’s hard cock was against his thigh, until Jack shifted just so, and then…oh, yes. There it was, against his own, and he was hard, and getting harder. Jack pulled frantically at Daniel’s t-shirt, pawing at him to get at his skin…to expose him…
“Jack, don’t,” Daniel said, gasping for air between Jack’s kisses. “Don’t! The SFs…dammit. Jack!”
“Fuck them,” Jack said savagely, and took Daniel’s mouth again.
“No, Jack.” Daniel shoved at him in earnest, groaning as the motion brought him into contact with Jack again, and the rush of pleasure from that contact made him lightheaded. “Jack!”
There was a commotion in the hallway, and then the sound of men in his office, and – “Freeze, Colonel!”
“I told you,” Daniel said, pushing at Jack angrily. It was like some crazy wet dream gone all wrong.
“Doctor Jackson?” It was an SF – Daniel recognized his voice, though he couldn’t get Jack far enough away from him to turn and see the man’s face. Daniel’s face turned crimson as he realized Jack wasn’t going to stop, didn’t care, and was nuzzling him none too gently, smiling over his shoulder at the SFs.
“Nothin’ to see,” he told them, and Daniel thought, he has lost his mind, he would never behave this way.
“Jack,” he said. “Jack!”
“Step away from Doctor Jackson, Colonel.”
The SF sounded completely serious – which was unsurprising, since they rarely sounded any other way. Daniel heard the sounds of tape coming away from metal as the camera was uncovered. He looked at Jack, whose eyes were hot and dark, and another shudder of lust ripped through him. “Jack, please.”
Slowly, Jack backed away and threw his hands up in the air.
“Who covered the camera, Doctor Jackson?”
“That would be Colonel O’Neill,” Daniel said grimly, apologetically. He straightened and tugged his t-shirt back down towards his waist, where it belonged.
And then General Hammond rounded the corner, and things went from weird to worse. “What the hell is going on?” he demanded.
“Nothing. Wasn’t time,” Jack said cheerfully.
“Jack,” Daniel said, and frowned at him. “General, something…odd…is happening to Jack. He needs to be escorted to the infirmary.”
“Define odd,” Hammond said, looking from Jack to Daniel.
“Jack…uh…Jack…” Daniel looked for a way to say it, but was rescued by Jack, who said,
“There’s no problem here, sir. I was just indulging a little fantasy, ‘s all. Playing doctor with the doctor.”
Hammond’s expression said it all far better than Daniel ever could have. “Get to the infirmary, Colonel. You too, Doctor Jackson. As in, now.”
“Yes, sir,” Jack said, and stepped toward Daniel.
“Oh, whatever,” Jack said, and smiled at Daniel. “Later for you,” he said as he left with the SFs.
An hour later, having been poked, prodded and sounded out by Janet, Daniel sat on the bunk next to Jack’s, staring at him. Janet had moved to the side to have a quiet conversation with Hammond, which was good, because Jack was giving Daniel that look again. Finally, Daniel gave in and said, “What in the hell got into you?”
“You saying you didn’t like it? Because I can tell you, from where I stood, it seemed like you liked it a lot.” Jack smirked at him, and it was such a wicked smirk that Daniel felt himself fighting back a smile that threatened to erupt.
”Well, that’s not quite the point, is it? I mean…what was that, Jack? Covering a camera? You of all people know you can’t do that in a top-secret facility!”
“Should’ve locked the door,” Jack said vehemently. “That would’ve bought us some time.”
“Locked the door?” Daniel asked. “What door? My office has two entrances, Jack, and one of them doesn’t even have a door. What the hell are you talking about?”
“Details, details,” Jack said. “Who cares about details?”
“Okay, this is too weird even for me.” Daniel sighed and rubbed his eyes.
“You look sexy in those damned glasses. That’s why I took ‘em off. Thought I’d come too soon, otherwise.”
“Okay, enough, no more,” Daniel said, or rather demanded, in a strained tone of voice. He looked at Jack, and just the act of looking at him made him uncomfortably warm. It was hard to ignore Jack’s body so close to his, to not look at his-
“Doctor Jackson,” Hammond said at his elbow, and Daniel jumped.
“I didn’t see you there, sir. Sorry.”
“I noticed,” Hammond said dryly, with a glance at Fraiser.
“Your blood tests turned up slightly elevated levels of certain hormones and high levels of endorphins,” Fraiser said. “Aside from that, you’re both healthy, if a bit…”
“Horny?” Jack suggested.
“Apparently,” Daniel said.
“The cause, Doctor Fraiser?” Hammond asked.
“I don’t know, sir, but I strongly suspect it’s tied to the objects the team brought back from P96-2114.”
“Absolutely, sir,” Jack piped up. “Daniel and I were the only two who…manhandled them.”
“Oh, god,” Daniel said desperately.
“Daniel, of the two of you, your levels are much lower. They don’t seem to be increasing at this time, either. I’d suggest you retrieve that thing and take it to Sam’s lab, where we can put it into a containment chamber.” Fraiser looked to Hammond for approval; the general nodded.
“Great idea. Stop here with it first,” Jack said.
Daniel sighed and put his head down. “Is there any way to treat this? Preferably as soon as possible?” he asked Janet.
“I’ll start the therapy with the colonel while you’re taking the object to Sam.”
“Good.” He eyed Jack. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do while I’m gone.”
“You really know how to ruin a good time, don’t you?” Jack said.
“Exactly.” Daniel hopped off the bed as Fraiser and Hammond moved away from them.
“Daniel,” Jack said, and there was that tone again. “Bet you think I’m gonna be sorry, once they pump me full of drugs and get my hormones back to normal. Don’t you?”
“I have no idea,” Daniel said. Jack was looking at him, so hot and dirty…and then Jack’s hand shot out and closed around Daniel’s wrist. His index finger stroked the inside of Daniel’s palm.
“When they let me out of here, I’m going to take you home and fuck you until you beg,” Jack said, his gaze never leaving Daniel’s face.
There was no air in the room, apparently, because Daniel found he couldn’t breathe at all.
“No, you’re not,” Daniel said calmly. He leaned over the bed. “Because you’re going to be the one doing the begging.”
He barely remembered the SFs separating them, later, but he supposed it was for the best. Even if he didn’t manage to get his tongue all the way down Jack’s throat, as he’d intended.
Things were hazy for a little while, and then they weren’t, and when Daniel was fully awake, he noticed that Jack was on the other side of the infirmary, asleep, and there were SFs between them. Just as well, he thought. He was too tired for all the filthy things Jack had promised to do to him while he was groping Jack under the BDUs.
“Well, it’s good to see you awake!” Janet said briskly. “I was starting to wonder when you’d get around to opening your eyes.”
“Are we cured?” Daniel asked, with a sidelong look at Jack.
“More or less. As soon as you feel able, I’m going to let you go home. We’ve taken that artifact from your office and placed it in containment. That may have been the source of the problem. It’s emitting a low-level energy signature, Sam says.”
“Sam said it gave off no energy at all, back on the planet.” Daniel frowned.
“That may be true, but it is now, and I think it’s to blame for the spike in your hormone levels. We’ve treated those, though your endorphins are still high. That’ll fade in a few more hours. You should go home and get some rest.”
“I can do that,” he said, and levered himself out of the bed. “For god’s sake, don’t wake Jack until I’m gone.”
“Funny you should mention that. Earlier he was trying to convince me to let him take you home. Since this is, after all, an infirmary, and patients are required to remain here until fit to be discharged…I put a halt to that.” Janet gave him a stern stare.
“Gee, wonder what he wanted to take me home for,” Daniel muttered. He knew they would never live it down. Never, ever.
As if she’d read his mind – and stranger things had certainly been known to happen – Janet said, “Daniel, if it makes things any easier…everyone understands what happened here. No one is making any assumptions.”
No one but me, Daniel thought, unable to keep his gaze from wandering back to Jack.
He picked up his notes from the lab and changed clothes, and fled the base as quickly as possible. All the way home, he remembered Jack’s hands on him, Jack’s warm, wet mouth over his, and by the time he parked the car, he could barely maneuver out of the car because of the painful, hard erection.
Elevator, key, fumbling with the lock, and then he was inside and the journals were on the ground and he had himself in hand, touching, stroking, panting in the throes of madness. Images came to mind rapid-fire, sparks in the darkness, feeding the heat of pleasure. He imagined himself on his back, Jack between his thighs, thrusting into him hard, fast, faster, kissing Daniel’s throat. He heard Jack’s growls of pleasure as the thin edge of pain shattered into shards of ecstasy, imagined Jack holding his hands in place over his head. It was so easy for Jack, to contain him, to hold him down so he could break free. He heard Jack’s voice in his ear, demanding that he talk, say things, and he knew what Jack wanted from him. Oh, yes, he knew.
He came so hard the world around him stood still, gray and silent in its emptiness.
“Jesus,” he gasped, as his knees gave way and he slid to the floor, back against the wall. He hit the ground with a thump, hand still squeezing his cock, and he was gasping for air. Not enough air.
After a little while – no way to know how long, since his mind had exploded and taken time with it – he got up from the ground and stumbled to the bedroom. He switched on a light, kicked off his shoes and went into the bathroom, where he swiped a washcloth across the dried mess on his stomach. He threw his glasses on the bedside table; he didn’t bother with removing most of his clothes, just tossed his t-shirt aside and fell face-down on the coverlet. Oblivion was right there, waiting to claim him.
Warmth of bare skin at his back, and hands on his skin. Lips, warm and gentle, at the nape of his neck. Daniel dragged himself up from dreamless sleep, drawn by sensation and need.
“It smells like sex in here. Did you start without me?” Jack’s voice, in his ear, just as he’d imagined it a few hours before, and the sound of it made him hard again, immediately, so hard he ached.
“God,” Daniel moaned. “What the hell did that thing do to us? I had to take the edge off. I barely made it in the door.”
“Fraiser tried to keep me there. I wanted to explain to her I had something important to do,” Jack said.
“Important,” Daniel said, bucking his hips as Jack reached beneath him and unbuttoned his trousers. “I’m glad I gave you a key.”
“I’m glad I took it,” Jack said, and then he was pressing kisses to the hollow at the small of Daniel’s back, and sliding Daniel’s slacks down, and his briefs with them, and Daniel knew he was going to lose his mind.
So many times, they had touched each other; so many times they had slept together, curled up against each other. Enough times that these touches shouldn’t be new, shouldn’t feel so perfect anymore, but they did. Like a drug to which Daniel was addicted, one he craved.
“Under an alien influence. Oh, god. It would have to be sex, dammit,” Daniel mumbled into the pillow. “Now they all know.”
“They all think that fake penis is to blame,” Jack said, and his hand slipped beneath Daniel again to close around his cock. “No one would dare say it wasn’t. At least, not to me, or I’ll kick their ass.”
Daniel’s brain had already disengaged from talk-mode, or he would have mustered up an argument. “Don’t drag this out,” he begged hoarsely.
“Begging already? Score one for my prediction,” Jack said, breath ticking the hairs at the nape of Daniel’s neck, and the warmth of it made Daniel shiver. His hand moved slowly over Daniel’s erection, and his fingertips rubbed the tip of Daniel’s cock, setting the rhythm Daniel needed.
Daniel caught himself moaning softly, nonsensical things with Jack’s name mixed in here and there. Jack’s fingers were inside him, opening him, and he reached back as they twisted and stretched him. “Jack,” he gasped. “I want to see you.”
“I see you,” Jack said, teeth grazing gently across his shoulder. “Want me to tell you what I see?”
“Not unless you want me to come right this second, dammit, Jack, let me – let me—”
“Easy,” Jack said, and the fingers withdrew. Daniel rolled on his back and reached for Jack, who slid into his arms like the other half of him, locked together, and then they were kissing, Daniel’s favorite thing to do, slow gliding of mouths together, opening to each other, tongues soft against each other.
They spent time at it, until some of Daniel’s urgency had faded. He reveled in the feeling, skin to skin, Jack over him, on him. They traded, for a time, and Daniel was slow and thorough with his deep, endless kisses, sprawled on top of Jack as though it was his favorite place to be, and there was nothing else that mattered.
Finally Jack bit his earlobe, a signal that he couldn’t wait much longer. Daniel turned on his side, and it was as though every sense was hyper-aware, every inch of skin alive with Jack’s touch. He waited for it, for Jack’s hand on his hip, the slow burn of entry, and Jack’s first deep stroke into his body, sliding all the way in with one long movement.
Daniel cried out and turned his head, and Jack was there, swallowing the cries and fucking him, slow, slower, then fast, harder, and he couldn’t wait for Jack. He came for Jack, in response to unspoken commands, the demand of Jack’s hand stroking him and his teeth scraping Daniel’s skin. The orgasm moved through him, and Jack moved in him, faster, deeper, until Jack pressed his face into Daniel’s shoulder and froze against him. It made Daniel shudder, the richness of feeling, Jack inside him, and all this pleasure was his, this rapture theirs.
Neither of them moved until, reluctantly, Jack shifted, and left Daniel’s body. “You didn’t beg,” Jack said breathlessly.
“I would have,” Daniel said, and turned, so they were face to face. “If you wanted me to.”
Jack looked at him for a long moment, and then kissed him thoroughly. “So. You got any other alien artifacts in that lab that can cause trouble?” he asked.
Daniel chuckled. “Doubt it. Something would have surfaced by now.”
“You should line something up, just in case I decide to requisition you a door. With locks.”
“For the SFs to break down,” Daniel pointed out.
“Details, details,” Jack said, and as he kissed Daniel, Daniel went over the inventory in the storeroom. There might be something in there that he could drag out for a prop.
Just in case.