they were in felix's room watching jurassic park on netflix when the latter fidgets uneasily next to jisung who seemed rather oblivious at his bestfriend's worried glances advanced towards him.
"han, i have to tell you something."
he gulps when he finally has jisung's attention on him. he blanked for a moment, unsure whether to say it out loud or not.
"dude, you're giving me anxiety. don't scare me like this."
felix laughs nervously. "well."
"han, i like you."
"what.." jisung swore his heartbeat almost stopped. his eyes were twice their normal size. "you- you mean like...."
"yeah. i like you. for the longest time." felix sighs in defeat. he looked like a boulder had just been lifted from his shoulders.
"oh. that- that's good to know." jisung paled, he starts panicking and the next thing he knew he's fleeing from the situation. "uh hey, it's late. i need to go, chan's expecting me for dinner. see you around, felix!" he got up from the mattress and left the room quickly.
felix felt his chest hurting, he shouldn't have told him but what's done is done. he wouldn't mind losing anyone else but not his bestfriend, the person he loves the most.
anyone but jisung.
chan knocks onto his door before entering his room carefully. "hey," chan ruffles jisung's hair, plopping next to him. "you good, bro?"
"good. not great but yeah." the younger replies restlessly.
"why is that?"
"what dyou mean why, you know felix and i aren't on speaking terms."
it's been almost a week since jisung and felix last talked to each other. felix hadn't called or came over. it's rare for them to not see one another longer than three days since they're always attached to the hip, thus it felt really weird for jisung to not have his bestfriend around.
"ah young people." chan lifts his eyebrows while smiling knowingly.
"yeah, well." jisung didn't know how to answer so he avoided eye contact and turned around to look out the window.
"you never gave him an answer, you know."
"he spoke to you?" he almost snapped his neck in the process of returning his gaze to the elder.
"course he did. who else should he turn to when his bestfriend abandoned him."
"ow." jisung rubbed his arm when chan slapped him. "i did not abandon him."
"says you." the other lifts an eyebrow. "im the one who felt guilty when he came crying to me saying you ran away. and it wasn't even my fault."
"he cried?" at this point his stomach didn't feel so good.
"catch up, brother." chan snaps his fingers. "the boy likes you. he'd probably give you his kidney if he had to."
"i know... i'd do the same." jisung bent his head to look at his chipped nails.
"i told him to give you space." so that's the reason why felix hadn't tried to contact him. "it's probably killing him knowing the two of you can't stand being away from each other for too long."
"chan, im scared."
"i've know him almost my whole life. i don't want to lose him as my bestfriend for over a few years of a romantic relationship."
chan hums in comprehension. "i see how that would suck." he nods. "but would that be so bad? to try?"
"do you have any feelings for him, too?"
"would you be happy for him if he ever dated someone who's not you?"
his stomach felt cold at that question. he tries to image a scene of felix with another boy and it just doesn't sit right. "not really, no."
"and you said you know him your whole life, so if your relationship with him don't work out in the end, do you ever really think felix would ever in his mind thought of leaving you even as a friend?"
"honestly, no." he knew felix best, if anything it would be the other way round. he knew how insecure felix can be whenever he interacts with someone else.
chan makes a gesture with his arms as if to say 'there's your answer'.
"what do i do?" jisung cries, leaning his head back against the wall.
"maybe give it a chance, who knows?" chan gets up from the bed. "but first, you talk."
"what- where are you-"
a few seconds after chan opened the door, felix walks in. his eyelids were partially swollen, he looked like he's been crying a lot and hadn't really slept well.
"have fun, kiddos." chan shows himself out before closing the door behind him.
"felix..." he froze.
"hi." his voice sounded deeper, more melancholy. the smile doesn't reach his eyes and jisung felt extremely guilty. this was all because of him. felix suddenly looked like he was out of place, just standing awkwardly behind the door.
"hey. sit down, would you?" jisung pats on the mattress. he watches carefully as felix sat on the edge of the bed whispering a small 'thanks' while clearing his throat.
"how long have you been standing outside?"
"long enough. i didn't hear what you guys were talking about if that's what you're asking."
"come closer." jisung gestured with his hand. they sit next to each other with an inch of space between them. "how are you?"
"im good." felix nods half heartedly. obviously, felix is anything but feeling optimistic at the moment. "you?"
"meh." jisung jokes. felix laughed but at the same time he sounded really tired.
"sorry i ran away last time. im such a jerk."
"don't worry about it, i know what it meant." felix is just so soft, a pushover, he would call himself and jisung just don't understand how did he have the heart to hurt him in the first place. for some time, jisung observes the freckles and how they look so, so good on felix's cheeks and how the side of his lips slightly tilts prettily. he'd always knew felix was attractive but he's never seen it in a different perspective. "sorry for springing it out on you."
"no, it's okay. you just took me by surprise that's all. i don't know what came over me, i guess i just panicked cause i never expected you to feel that way for me."
"i mean like i didn't have to be shy around you, you know, but i was."
"it's alright, han. i might just need some time till my crush on you dissipates. i'll be okay again as long as we can still be friends." felix's voice became progressively shaky which made jisung bent his head to follow his gaze only to see the latter's teary eyes.
"wait, are you crying?" jisung panics, he gently cups felix's face to wipe the tears away and then brings it to his chest, hugging him close. "dude, why are you crying?!"
felix was quiet for a moment, though his shoulders were still shaking and a little sniffles here and there. "i thought i lost you." felix muffled against his shirt. he sounded so heartbroken. "if i knew that'd happen i wouldn't have confessed."
"hey, don't say that. im glad you told me." jisung fingers through the hair on the back of his neck. "i swear, i was just being stupid. i haven't dated anyone before, you know that. naturally i just became scared. i can be a good friend, sure, but what if im not a good boyfriend. i don't wanna lose you either."
"you're just saying that to make me feel better..."
"felix, i fucking swear." jisung sternly says.
"fine, i believe you."
"you sure you really like me? i don't know what you see in me, cause i know i can be a pain in the ass sometimes. you would know."
"i've been sure for a long time, jisung. i've always thought how it would be like to bring you out on a date. how it'd feel like to hold you when we're watching movies together." his hands clutching onto jisung's back, nails digging into it but not enough to hurt. "but that's okay. i just wanted to let that out. im okay if you can't return the feelings. i can't force you, so."
"im asking because what i mean to say is that i might actually have a crush on you too."
"you what?" felix pulls away to take a good look at his friend though his view is slightly blurry from the tears.
"i like you, too." he gives felix a side smile, wiping more unwanted tears away then brushing his fringe out of his eyes.
"you're kidding." felix frowned. he grabbed the front of jisung's shirt, nudging the latter. "han jisung, don't play with me."
"not playing, baby." he wraps his arms around the other's neck, leaning their foreheads together. "guess your confession was a wake up call after all." it was worth it, seeing how felix immediately brightens up at the term of endearment and jisung internally cursed at himself because of how beautiful the boy looks.
"you like me." he giggles and it was so fucking cute.
"i do." jisung brushes their nose together to draw more laughter out the other.
"you have no idea how happy i am, han."
"good. i intend to keep you happy." jisung chuckles. "since when though, if you don't mind me asking?"
"you remember when i broke my elbow."
"you took care of me like nobody ever did. it started from there." felix thumbs on the the other's collarbones absentmindedly. "you'd carry my books up to class, you'd tie my shoelaces and then feed me first before having your own meal. even when i completely recovered, we were teased for acting 'gay' but you acted the same, you didn't care one bit." felix shook his head. "and that one time when we fought, cus' my petty ass was jealous you made a new friend but you apologized and then you said, you'd rather lose a fight than lose me even if you were in the right."
jisung was left almost speechless. after all this time, his own bestfriend had feelings for him and he was just so oblivious, god, he felt so dumb. "felix.... that was 8 years ago, we were fourteen."
"well, i was sold, i told myself that this is it, you're the one. besides, we both weren't sure of our sexuality yet."
"even my fourteen year old self was freaking out."
jisung held one of felix's hand to his chest. "im sorry i couldn't be there when you were keeping all of that to yourself."
"it's alright." felix shook his head. he grins and the corners of his eyes creased when jisung brings his hand up to give it a little kiss.
"is that why you're always extra clingy with me?" jisung narrowed his eyes suspiciously at him.
"what else..." he blushed, averting his eyes in respond, "hugging you isn't the same as hugging someone else."
"god, felix you're so-" jisung squishes his cheeks. he could still hardly fathom how in the hell is he only sure of his feelings now. "i can't believe you're only telling me this now."
"better late than never. i still feel like im dreaming."
"would you still be dreaming if i tell you that i want to kiss you?"
"what? you don't wanna kiss?" jisung pouts.
"no, no! i do!" felix frantically says. "but," he hesitates, when he looks up, his eyes were glassy almost as if they were caging hundreds of stars in them. "you sure you won't feel weird or anything?"
"i just literally poured out my feelings for you, why would i?" jisung frowns, a little disheartened to see the presence of uncertainty in felix's expression.
"well, we practically grew up together. i don't want you to feel like you're kissing your brother."
"ew." jisung grunts then pretends to fake gag. "not chan please, yuck. thanks for that image, lix."
felix let's out a genuine laughter and jisung thinks he's in love. oh, he's in it deep alright. his heart is beating really fast and the cause of it is just that, felix laughing. he must've been staring for quite some time because the other suddenly stopped laughing, eyes blinking rapidly out of curiousity.
"why are you-"
he leaned forwards catching pink lips in his own, soft and gentle. he could taste the slight saltiness from the tears and was that cherry lipbalm? there were palms on the side of his face as he held felix closer until space didn't have a meaning. they kissed and kissed, hands running through soft hair, hands grabbing onto thighs. then the kisses slowed down until one of them ran out of air and pulls away. jisung sure felt like he missed out a lot for not kissing felix all these years.
"beautiful." jisung whispered against his lips pecking him one more time making felix giggle, the same one that tugged at jisung's heartstrings. "was that your first kiss?"
"yeah." felix shyly admits.
"you sure? cause that was one hell of a kiss."
"stop." felix whines and hid his face in the other's neck as they both catch their breath.
"hey. so about that date."