It’s me, Clay.
Or Dream as you probably know from YouTube.
I’m pretty sure you identify me as a guy who plays Minecraft with his friends and captivates people with his cocky yet very funny personality. At least that’s what about 4.2 million human beings thought when they subscribed to my channel.
But what if behind the videos everything’s different? What if I told you that after I press “end recording” I turn into a completely different person? Well, even if I sometimes like to think that this is not the case, it definitely is.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a criminal that pays his rent by selling drugs or hacking other people. No, I’m just less of a happy persona and more of one that overthinks every single thing. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a couple of years and I’m very happy I decided to start with YouTube, since there I can be someone else. And, well, I think it worked pretty well considering my success.
I try to keep this fake facade up when I am on the Internet or in streams, but of course sometimes it slips and people become curious. Gladly, that hasn’t happened often and I would consider myself smart enough to keep it that way.
Being that perfect person, I’ve created, actually really has helped me with my mental state and just my general mood. Even if I can be that person for only a couple of hours a day, it often devolves onto my real persona and I find myself in a rather enjoyable mood.
In real life I don’t have many friends or even family, but that’s a story for another time, so I’m very happy my ‘fake’ persona made some pretty amazing friends. I’m of course mostly talking about George, “georgenotfound”, and Nick, “Sapnap”. They have helped me through many crises without even realizing it and I’m very grateful.
But there is always one problem, I just can’t seem to outsmart.
The thing with meeting up.
Usually I’m just avoiding the subject at all and when it still comes up, I play it off without thinking too much about it.
Of course, I sometimes imagine how everything would be if I just were myself or if I told my friends about my struggles.
Yeah, but life isn’t how you want it to be, we all know that, and I guess I have to work everything out by myself in terms of that.
“Dude, I’m on half a heart, how does that skeleton do so much damage?!” George screeched into his microphone.
“Because we coded it so that mobs do double the damage, remember?” I reminded him with a short wheeze.
“Yeah I still don’t know why we did tha- FU-“
“I swear I just heard Bad yell ‘Language’ somewhere in the background” I laughed happily after I saw that George got killed by a spider.
“I’m actually contemplating to just give up”, George pouted into the microphone, “Let’s just scrap this whole idea and play Manhunt or something”.
“So I can beat you again?” I replied.
“Well obviously, so I can beat you”
“Sure thing, Georgie poo”
That was the last sentence before him and I started falling into a gigantic pit of laughter where we sadly couldn’t get out anymore.
After calming down again, we decided to actually scrap the idea, for now at least (I just don’t like the idea of giving up at something), and record something else tomorrow.
I was about to complain about how late it got and end the call, when George came up with a much-hated question.
“Hey Dream, just a question, why don’t I get to see your face? I mean I get it, you’re probably shy or something but I’d still remain friends even if you were a worm or, I don’t know, a faceless blob.”
My happy feelings immediately died and something else came creeping up inside my throat. Sure, I’ve dealt before with such questions, but this time it felt different. Maybe because it was the first time George mentioned it not during a stream, a video or just in discord chat or something. Maybe, but whatever it was, I wasn’t comfortable with the change of topic. Still, I managed to put my façade back on and replied with a dry “I don’t see any point in it”.
Right after I replied I realized how weird and suddenly so different I sounded, not at all like my online self, more like my actual self.
The guy on the other end of the call must have noticed too because he quickly came up with a “Sorry” and a “You don’t have to; I was just wondering”.
For the rest of the call I tried to keep my mind straight, but it kept wandering off to places where I didn’t want it to be, so at some point I fake yawned and declared that I really needed to go to bed. We quickly said our goodbyes and I shut down my PC and changed into my pyjamas.
Honestly, I wasn’t very tired so I just decided to scroll through my twitter timeline and reply to a tweet here and there.
While I was doing that, let’s maybe talk a bit more about my backstory and how I ended up in this mess that is my life.
For at least 17 or 18 years of my life I was a very normal and also happy person, although I always had my struggles because of my family situation.
I didn’t grow up in the perfect household, my dad left us when I was very little and my mum kind of was overwhelmed with the whole situation so she abandoned us in a way by not showing us too much affection or caring too much about what happened in our lives.
Oh, when I’m talking about ‘us’ or ‘our’ I mean me and my sister.
So, I had a childhood with a lot of material things but a lack of love and affection.
But I could always live with it, no real problems occurred. That was until my first ever girlfriend decided to cheat on me and I fell into a dark hole after the break up. Yes, a break up isn’t the end of the world, but it is when you’re already lacking love and then one of the few relationships you put your heart into just vanishes. It reminded me of the situation with my mum and in general my family.
So, long story short, since then I’ve been overthinking everything, growing aware of who I was, how I acted and literally just anything. I started to turn every little aspect in and out and back in, probably as a defence mechanism to detect things or people before they could hurt me. That itself isn’t a bad thing of course, but if that wall grows too big, you end up in my situation.
So yeah, that’s pretty much me.
A guy who doesn’t only play Minecraft, but also fools half the Internet, suffers from mental health problems, has a weird family, no friends that know his real self, and a cat.