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helps mes

Summary:

i have been in quarantine for too long lmaoo
so basicallY its a collection
of shit
that i thought about instead of tryinbg to get a solid 6 hours of sleep
ye s

upload schedule: Mon-Fri but i get weekends off because i need the time to plan the ones 4 next week

Chapter 1: Help

Chapter Text

Ray CREEPILY stroked Emma's face with a constipated expression and Emma OwOed back softly and SEDUCTIVELY.

Chapter 2: F wurd

Summary:

e

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Ray: Fuck you

Emma: Please do

Ray:

Emma:

Ray: ...Meet me in my room after dinner

Notes:

helps mes

Chapter 3: Phil

Summary:

yep its a crackfic

Chapter Text

Phil, muttering to himself: Cower beneath me, mortal, peasant, lower placed dirt eating scums of Earth. I am the one who will overthrow this whole economy, shattering the system and freeing all. Thy creatures bow down and treasure me, not knowing what truth lies behind this cover of mine. Soon thyne old friends shall arrive after 2 wretched years living in this cursed plantation, putting order out of hand and chaos in the lead. Soon. Very, very soon.

New Mama: Did you say something, Phil?

Phil: Goo goo ga ga

Chapter 4: ray no

Chapter Text

Ray: Welcome to my cooking show.

Ray: Today, we are going to make an unnamed meal that creates a perfect distraction.

Ray: Ingredients needed include gasoline and matches.

Ray, pouring gasoline over himself: First, you marinate the chosen meat with gasoline.

Ray: Then you light a match like so...

Emma: Ray, what are you doing?

Ray: Nothing.

Chapter 5: Thots

Summary:

hmm

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Ray: Before was was was, was was is

Norman: If you wait for a waiter then you are the waiter

Ray: If you water water then the water shall grow bigger

Norman: The brain named itself

Emma: If I finger myself only using my middle finger, is that technically dubbed as 'fucking myself'?

Ray: What the fuck

Notes:

thanks reddit

Chapter 6: Forbid

Summary:

Forbd

Chapter Text

Emma: I want to make a new promise instead of killing all the demons

Norman: I forbid you

Ray: I forbid Norman from forbidding Emma

Don: I forbid Ray from forbidding Norman from forbidding Emma

Gilda: I forbid Don from forbidding Ray from forbidding Norman from forbidding Emma

Phil: I forbid you all

Everyone: *looks at Phil*

Phil: Except for Emma

Phil: *disappears in a puff of smoke*

Ray: We didn’t even rescue him yet, what the actual fuck

Chapter 7: Demcoracy

Summary:

Demcrocary

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Ray: Would both sides of the argument please state their opinions on demons?

Norman: Kill them

Emma: Don’t fucking kill them

Vincent: Compelling arguments!

Ray: I l o v e d e m o c r a c y

Notes:

I have been laughing at a picture of a chair for 5 minutes for no reason what the fuck is wrong with me

Chapter 8: Spelling

Summary:

Heh

Chapter Text

Gillian: My name is spelled Gillian but with no Q

Oliver: But there is no Q in Gillian?

Gillian: That’s what I said idiot

Chapter 9: Nsfw

Chapter Text

Ray: *pours gasoline all over himself*

Emma: R-Ray!? What are you doing?!

Norman, yelling from behind the scenes: ᵢₜ ₕₑₗₚₛ ₕᵢₘ ₛₗᵢₚ ᵢₙₜₒ ʸₒᵤ ₘₒᵣₑ ₑₐₛᵢₗʸ!

Ray: SHUT UP YOU PIECE OF-

Chapter 10: Corona

Chapter Text

Emma: We finally made it to the human world!

Emma: *walks up to a random man* Hi sir, can you please tell us where we-

Man: 6 feet away bitch

Chapter 11: Interesting

Summary:

Waring 4 those who don’t like sensitive topics but if ur on my book then you probably can stomach my shit

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Norman: *walks into the room*

Emma: Hey Ray, wouldn’t it be weird if girls threw up blood instead of menstruating through their private parts?

Emma: Like, you’re just talking to a girl, and she suddenly just throws up blood. And you’re like, ‘Are you okay?!’ and she just replies, ‘Yeah I’m fine I’m just on my period’

Ray: But wouldn’t that mean that women gave birth through their mouths? And in order to give birth in the first place, a man would have to fertilize through the woman’s mouth.

Emma: True!

Norman: *does a 180 and walks straight back out of the room*

Notes:

Shower thoughts

Chapter 12: That time

Summary:

htbgrvfedfghtjkiutnrbevreawfgtevrwedfwergef

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Hayato: Hey Emma, can you-

Emma: FUCK OFF!!!

Hayato: ???!!!

Ray: It's that time of the month, isn't it?

Notes:

soz for all the period jokes

Chapter 13: Fangirls

Chapter Text

Ray: We finally made it to the human world! *immediately gets trampled by a horde of fangirls, me being one of them*

Chapter 14: Oopsie

Chapter Text

Krone: *does an oopsie*

Isabella: *breathes down heavily on Krone’s neck*

Krone: *sweats*

Chapter 15: Yes

Chapter Text

Emma: So we are livestock

Ray: Mhm.

Emma: And we have to escape. You got that right?

Ray: Yeah.

Emma: And I’ve decided that we are taking everyone with us when we escape.

Ray: ...What...?

Ray: We should only focus on trying to free ourselves. Freeing everyone is near impossible, considering that most of them are too young to escape! Also, not to mention-

Emma: Bitch shut it

Chapter 16: in orderly fashion

Chapter Text

Emma: *trying to get through the door*

Norman: *also trying to get through the door*

Emma: Oh, Norman, you can go first. I don't mind.

Norman: No Emma, you go first.

Emma: But Norman, I insist-

Ray: *pushes past them both and walks through the door before either of them*

Ray: She before he, but only after me.

Chapter 17: gencoide

Chapter Text

Demon: *breathes*

Norman: Peace was never an option.

Chapter 18: wut

Chapter Text

Norman: You have to at least tell me one logical reason why you should side with Emma and not me.

Ray: Dude, hoes before bros.

Norman: Other way around, you simp.

Emma: Can I vote for not being called a hoe?

Chapter 19: Virginity

Chapter Text

Norman: Emma you have red marks all over your neck.

Emma: Darn mosquitoes

Norman: And I heard you moaning last night.

Emma: I hate mosquitoes

Norman: ...You were moaning Ray's name over and over again...

Emma: He was massaging me.

Norman: And I heard your bed creaking last night.

Emma: It was a massage.

Norman: Can you just admit that you're not a virgin anymore?

Chapter 20: Stronk

Chapter Text

Emma: *T poses over Norman and flexes her big mascles* Square up th0t

Chapter 21: texting

Chapter Text

Emma: E (Sent at 2:36 A.M.)

Ray: Ay yeah fuck you too

Don: Nice.

Norman: What... just how did you even find that?

Emma: Do not question only obey

Ray: I would be happy to oblige except for the fact that it is 2 fucking am so sayonara bitches

Emma: And G'night to you too

Chapter 22: cattle

Chapter Text

Emma: So we live on a farm and we're the cattle

Ray: *surprised pikachu face*

Chapter 23: Literally how the raid goes

Chapter Text

Emma, Ray, Norman and everyone else: *return back to gracefield*

Peter Ratri: Hippity hoppity get the fuck off my property

Emma: No, I don't think I will

Chapter 24: communism

Chapter Text

Demon God Thingy: So you're gonna be providing me my food from the plantations from now on

Queen Legs or Whatever: OUR FOOD ☭☭☭

Chapter 25: documentary

Summary:

what how demon language what

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Barbara: Hi, Cislo!

Cislo: Hey Barbara!

Ayshe: ㄒ卄乇 ㄒ山ㄖ 乃ㄥㄖ卂ㄒ乇ᗪ 乃乇卄乇爪ㄖㄒ卄丂 Ꮆ尺ㄩ几ㄒ 丂ㄒㄩ卩丨ᗪㄥㄚ 卂ㄒ 乇卂匚卄ㄖㄒ卄乇尺 卂丂 卂几 乇乂匚卄卂几Ꮆ乇ᗪ 山ㄖ尺ᗪ ㄖ千 Ꮆ尺乇乇ㄒ丨几Ꮆ. (The two bloated behemoths grunt stupidly at each other as an exchanged word of greeting.)

Barbara: Don't you ever wonder what Ayshe is saying, or what is going through her head? It's so weird, the way she was raised with demons! Hey Ayshe, what are you thinking right now?

Ayshe: ㄒ卄乇 卄丨ᗪ乇ㄖㄩ丂 匚尺乇卂ㄒㄩ尺乇 ㄒㄩ尺几丂 丨几 匚ㄖ几千ㄩ丂丨ㄖ几 卂几ᗪ 乃尺卂ㄚ丂 卂ㄒ 爪乇, ᗪㄩ爪乃千ㄖㄩ几ᗪ乇ᗪ. (The hideous creature turns in confusion and brays at me, dumbfounded.)

Barbara: Ha! It's so weird!

Norman: 匚卂几 ㄚㄖㄩ 卂ㄒ ㄥ乇卂丂ㄒ ㄒ尺ㄚ ㄒㄖ 乃乇 几丨匚乇? (Can you at least try to be nice?)

Notes:

howd i get 50 kudos

Chapter 26: blud

Chapter Text

Emma: *gets stabbed* AHH

Ray: OH FRICK! QUICK, TELL ME YOUR TYPE!

Emma: Oh uh.. black hair, dark eyes, sweet yet brave-

Ray: I meant your blood type.

Emma: Oh. *looks down*

Emma: Red.

Chapter 27: arguement

Chapter Text

Emma: Hit idiot! *slaps Ray*

Ray: Kick stupid! *kicks Emma*

Emma: SHRED CRACKHEAD!

Ray: GRILL IMBECILE!

Emma: ...

Ray: ...

Emma: You're not actually going to do that, right?

Ray: *shrugs*

Emma:

Ray:

Ray: *snatches a piece of paper from Emma and quickly scribbles a drawing of a grill on it, then proceeds to fold and throw the drawing at Emma*

Emma: heck

Chapter 28: cussing

Chapter Text

Ray: *walking towards the kitchen, then stubs toe*

Ray: F̴͖̪̟͇͉͉̙̓͒ȁ̵͓̟̭͙̦̓͛͌̃̈̋c̵͎͚͙̚k̵͓̦͍͈̞̘̻̱̙̈

Chapter 29: Ear

Chapter Text

Ray: So like I’m gonna set myself on fire because of spite and my will for y’all to live. So it’s been a nice life and shit but I really don’t care so sayonara motherfuckers

Emma: Hold my ear

Chapter 30: Stuff that’s not from me

Summary:

So these are both not from me. Credit to FunahoMisaki for coming up with these

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Demon: You can never be a mother.

Isabella: Well I already have one son who is literally my own flesh and blood kid but I also have roughly 30 other children who I’ve raised and loved as my own.

Demon: You’re a cold heartless bitch!

Isabella: Pot meet kettle square the fuck up.

 

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Isabella: But I was happy you hugged me. You hadn’t done that in a while.

Emma: So you broke my fucking leg?!

Isabella: Shhhh you’ll be okay. It was a clean break. No scars will be left behind and now I get to hug you as much as I want.

Emma: You could’ve just asked for a hug!

Notes:

If there are any other ppl who want to write incorrect quotes for this book I will always be featuring them on the weekends

Chapter 31: lmao

Summary:

if i dont comment on your comment it doesnt mean that i didnt see it. i most likely did see it but didnt comment

Chapter Text

Ray, drunk: Life is like a penis, long and hard sometimes, other times soft and short.

Norman, recording Ray: Go on, go on.

Emma: *pretends to brush a tear off her face* None have said wiser, Ray.

Chapter 32: stupidity

Summary:

i apologize for the late update, my schedule is jam packed rn

Chapter Text

Ray: Stupid

Emma: I know you are, but what am I?

Ray: ...

Ray: Also stupid.

Emma: ...

Emma: Fair enough.

Chapter 33: outsmarting

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Isabella: *outsmarts Emma*

Isabella: Haha I outsmarted you but don't worry you can just become a Mama like me

Ray: ...

Ray: *outsmarts Isabella*

Ray: Who's laughin' now, Funny Girl?

Norman: PATHETIC.

Norman: *outsmarts all of them literally 2 weeks before all the madness*

Notes:

someone correct me if im wrong abt the two weeks i literally forgot everything after watching demon slayer 389472984 times

Chapter 34: 69 kudos

Chapter Text

you thought this was going to be an extra incorrect quote, but......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It Was Me, Dio! | Know Your Meme

 

 

not sorry now leave me alone so i can eat wads of shredded cheese in peace

Chapter Text

Isabella: *breaks Emma's leg*

Isabella: gg no re

Emma: Aw Fuck

Chapter 36: dad jokes

Chapter Text

Thoma: I'm hungry

Yuugo: hI HuNgRy I'M YUugO

Lucas: Good one bro

Thoma: *slowly dies inside*

Chapter 37: other stuff that's not from me

Summary:

Again, all from FunahoMisaki. Also I decided to post on Friday bc it fits my schedule better

Chapter Text

Don: I'm just taking my anger out on them.

Gilda: You know I'm pretty sure that's a bad thing right?

Don: What are they going to do? Feed me to a demon?

Gilda: Don!

 

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Emma: Why would I want to be a mom?

Isabella: You can grow up and live and love lots of children.

Emma: But...dirty diapers.

Isabella: Fair point have a nice life.

Emma: Don't you mean day?

Isabella: I literally broke your leg just yesterday and your best friend is getting shipped out as food today. You're not having a nice /week/ much less day.

Emma: Fair.

___________________________________

 

Norman: The only way you'll stop us is if you break our legs!

Isabella: *breaks Emma's leg*

Norman: *surprised Pikachu face*

Chapter 38: Puberty

Chapter Text

Puberty: *gently pats Emma on the head before slapping Ray*

Puberty: *runs away*

Norman: ?

Puberty: *comes back with a giant truck and runs over Norman*

Chapter 39: Just a quick announcement

Chapter Text

school is starting for me so i may not be able to update as often as i used to, and i hope you guys can understand that. I have a lot of extracurricular activities that i do and that added to the amount of time i spend on schoolwork and studying, so the chapters will be very inconsistently updated. just thought i'd get this out before i started studying, so thanks. hope yall havin a nice day

Chapter 40: anothr announcement

Chapter Text

so i know i just said that i wont be posting as often, but... i think i should tell yall this. so you may have heard of the crazy catfish's rayemma fanfic called Silver Dagger, right? well another reason that i will not be posting as much here is because we decided to work on the darn thing together, because they're too lazy to update and also because i have edited some of their works in the past. And since i am actually committed, we decided that it would be better if i kept nagging on the crazeh catfish so that the idiot finally updates. also, dont worry, they actually wrote a whole fat confusing plot that needs a lot of editing, but nonetheless i think it's good. it's surprisingly dark for a person who refuses to curse, but i like dark, so whatevr. Still, they should be updating. also one word: Danganronpa.

Square up crazy catfish and start writing, or i will.

 

lol thats all.