They’re at dinner when it happens. It occurs to Geralt that there will come a time (probably very soon) when Jaskier will expect sex. Geralt’s surprised it hasn’t come up yet considering how often Jaskier tends to choose a new sexual partner, but Geralt has been counting his lucky stars that he has not had to broach the subject yet.
The thing is, Geralt has had a lot of sex. He has. He just…doesn’t like it.
The problem is, he likes to be touched and the only way for a Witcher to be touched is through sex. That’s the only way Geralt has been able to be held by someone, so he has sought out sex for that reason. He has paid people of various genders for sex in order to get to the experience of being held.
Now, Geralt is in a bit of a predicament because Geralt is in a romantic relationship with Jaskier who has a penchant for the human body and the sexual pleasures a person can gain from it.
The one time prior to now with Jaskier that Geralt has entered into a romantic relationship was with Yennefer. He had sex with Yennefer because he loved her and she wanted to have sex, so Geralt had sex with her to make her happy. He just wanted to make her happy. That’s what one does in a relationship; isn’t it?
So, Geralt decides he will make Jaskier happy. And it will be better if Geralt just gets it out of the way now so Jaskier doesn’t bring it up later when Geralt is not expecting it.
It’s decided. He’ll do it tonight.
Geralt waits until Jaskier finishes eating. Then he takes the bard’s hand in his and asks, “Would you like to go up to our room?”
Jaskier looks from Geralt to Geralt’s unfinished plate of food and furrows his brow. “Aren’t you still hungry?” Jaskier asks.
Why does Jaskier have to be so perceptive?
Geralt looks into Jaskier’s wide blue eyes and is reminded that of course Jaskier pays attention to Geralt. Jaskier cares about Geralt. Jaskier loves him. So naturally, he’s going to notice things like Geralt not finishing his food. Jaskier has told Geralt this has been true for a while, but for Geralt this is new information. It’s hard to get used to.
“I’m not hungry.” Geralt says.
That makes Jaskier look even more concerned which is definitely not Geralt’s goal right now.
“I have an idea and I’m excited is all.” Geralt says, hoping Jaskier will think Geralt means excited in the good way rather than excited in the bad way (even though the latter is actually the truth).
Jaskier studies Geralt and says, “Okay; let’s go to our room then.”
“Excellent.” Geralt leads the way to the room.
As soon as they’re inside and the door is closed, Geralt grabs Jaskier’s face and kisses him.
“Oh my,” Jaskier laughs before kissing Geralt back.
Kissing is nice. Geralt likes this part. He likes how Jaskier’s hands find their way into Geralt’s hair. He likes the closeness of the moment.
He does not like what comes next.
He has no fucking clue why. He just doesn’t like it. He has tried so hard in so many ways with so many different people to like it, but he does not like it.
Despite all that, he asks Jaskier, “Should we move to the bed?”
“Do you mean to kiss on the bed or to have sex?” Jaskier asks.
“To have sex,”
“Okay,” Jaskier smiles at Geralt and pulls away. “Let’s have a talk first.”
What kind of talk?
Jaskier walks over to the bed, takes his boots off, and sits down in the middle of the bed with his legs crisscrossed. He smiles at Geralt and pats the space next to him on the bed.
Geralt walks over, takes his boots off, and sits in the middle of the bed beside Jaskier. They’re not touching.
“Okay, so what are things that you do not want to do while having sex?” Jaskier asks.
“Um, what do you mean?” Geralt asks.
“Well, as I found out with my ex Valdo—Asshole—Marx, I don’t like it when people pull my hair. Because it hurts. What’s something that makes you uncomfortable during sex?” Jaskier asks.
The part where Geralt has sex with someone.
“Um,” Geralt says.
Jaskier waits patiently for Geralt to say something. Could Geralt tell Jaskier how he really feels about sex?
“While I’m thinking, can you tell me what else you don’t like?” Geralt asks in a desperate attempt to buy himself some time.
Jaskier gives Geralt a concerned look and says, “Well, um, I don’t like it when my hands are pinned. It just makes me uncomfortable for some reason. What about you, Geralt?”
Geralt shrugs. “Can’t think of anything.”
“Okay, um, well, what do you like?”
“What do you mean?”
“When you have sex with someone, what’s something that you like?”
Geralt has no answer, but Jaskier’s looking at him with those lovely blue eyes of his. Geralt swears Jaskier can peer into his soul with those eyes.
“Um, I like…kissing?” Geralt replies.
“Yes, kissing is quite nice.” Jaskier smiles. “What else do you like?”
Jaskier blinks. “What about the more sexual parts?”
Geralt looks away from Jaskier. How can he answer this honestly?
Can he answer this honestly?
After a few moments, Jaskier starts talking.
“Um, now, I don’t want to make any assumptions, but I do need to know this…do you not know what you like about sex because there are so many things you like that it’s hard to pinpoint favorite parts or do you not know what you like about sex because you actually do not like sex? Because both options are valid. I just need to know which one it is before we do something that could make you incredibly uncomfortable.” Jaskier says.
There’s an option to tell Jaskier the truth?
Jaskier wouldn’t ask unless he really meant it. And he said it would be okay if Geralt doesn’t like sex.
What will it mean for their relationship though?
“I…I don’t…I don’t like sex.” Geralt whispers.
He cannot believe he admitted that to another living being…other than Roach.
“Well, that’s alright. I like kissing and holding my partner. I don’t need sex to do those things.” Jaskier says.
“I’m sorry.” Geralt whispers.
Jaskier furrows his brow. “Why are you sorry?”
“Because you like sex. And we can only do things I like because I don’t like sex.”
“Geralt, I’m honestly pretty neutral about sex. Sure, it’s a fun activity, but I can live without it. It’s like how I like performing as a bard and you don’t. I’m not going to make you perform with me because you wouldn’t like it and it would make you uncomfortable, so I’m definitely not going to ask you to have sex with me if it makes you uncomfortable.”
“But,” Geralt’s voice cracks and he clears his throat. “I’m supposed to want to have sex. And I’m supposed to like it. I’m supposed to feel sexual attraction. But I don’t. Something’s…something’s wrong with me. The mutations maybe. I had more than the others. Maybe it broke something. The part that makes me feel sexual attraction.”
“Oh, dear heart. There’s nothing wrong with you. Have you heard of the term asexual?” Jaskier asks.
Geralt shakes his head.
“It means you don’t feel sexual attraction. There’s a whole community of people like you out there. Just, a lot of people don’t know about it. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“But what if it’s because of the trials?”
“Let me put it this way, even if there was something wrong with you—which there isn’t—but even if there were, I want you to love me the way that you love. Whatever that looks like, that’s what I want from you. If that’s holding each other and kissing each other, then that sounds lovely. Honestly. Have you told anyone else about this?”
Geralt shakes his head. “I thought it I kept trying with Yennefer, I would eventually like it. I liked the kissing and being held though.”
“You know, I bet Yennefer wouldn’t have wanted to have sex with you if she knew it made you uncomfortable. She loved you too. The people who love you don’t want you to hurt yourself just to make us happy. That’s not how love works.”
“So…it’s okay that I don’t want to have sex with you?”
“Yes. And before you ask, I’m staying with you. I’m not leaving you just because you don’t want to have sex and do not experience sexual attraction. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think I experience sexual attraction either so I’m probably asexual too. I just enjoy the physical activity. But I do not need it to be happy in a relationship.”
Geralt shrugs. “I just…I didn’t know any of this existed.”
Jaskier smiles. “Well, now you do. Isn’t it nice to have words to describe who we are?”
Geralt finds himself smiling back at Jaskier. “Yeah, it is.”
“Can I hold you?” Jaskier asks.
“Okay, lie down, my love.” Jaskier says.
Geralt lies down.
“Do you want me to hold you from the front or the back? Big spoon or little spoon?”
“Excuse you. I am a knife.”
“Ah. Little spoon, then.” Jaskier smirks.
Geralt laughs. “Okay,”
Geralt feels Jaskier lie down behind him and wrap his arms around his waist. Geralt shivers as Jaskier presses a gentle kiss into Geralt’s left shoulder.
“Like this?” Jaskier asks.
“Yes,” Geralt whispers. He feels warmth well up in his chest.
Jaskier nuzzles his head between Geralt’s shoulder blades and lets out a small contented sigh. “I like getting to hold you.” Jaskier whispers.
“I love you.” Geralt feels so safe and tears start to well up in his eyes because when the hell has he been allowed to feel so safe?
“I love you, too.”
Geralt feels tears stream down his face because he knows. He knows that Jaskier loves him. He can smell the contentment in Jaskier and he knows Jaskier is happy just lying here, holding Geralt close. Doing things that make Geralt happy makes Jaskier happy.
Geralt hates comparing Yennefer and Jaskier because they’re different people and he loves them differently, but Geralt never had moments like this with Yennefer because the two were never around each other often enough for them. So, it’s only Jaskier that Geralt has ever been this intimate with before. Geralt has not had a relationship like this that is so…so certain. So full of promises of tomorrow that Geralt knows will be fulfilled. Because Yennefer’s and Geralt’s relationship was always based on them leaving each other. Because Jaskier’s and Geralt’s relationship is based on always being there for each other and relying on each other. On being vulnerable. Yennefer’s walls are just as high and thick as Geralt’s. She could not be vulnerable, and neither could Geralt. Not really. Jaskier tends to wear his heart on his sleeve (for the most-part) and it’s easier to be vulnerable around him. That and the twenty-plus year friendship that came before the romantic relationship even started. That’s another big part of the difference.
“Geralt?” Jaskier breaks Geralt out of his reverie. “Are you alright, my dear?”
“Of course, why do you ask?”
Geralt hadn’t realized he’d made any noise. Geralt turns around and faces Jaskier. “Yes, but they’re happy tears. You love me. I know you love me. I feel…I feel loved and…and safe, Jaskier.”
Jaskier gently caresses Geralt’s cheek. “I’m glad. You deserve it.”
Geralt knows Jaskier means that. And that knowledge means everything to him.