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Trolls: Spy on Unsuspecting Humans

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CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN.

CGC: OK OK 3V3RYON3
CGC: http://tinyurl.com/HUM4NM4K3OUTS
CGC: 3V3RYON3 GO LOOK 4S SOON 4S YOU G3T 1N H3R3
CGC: 1T'S H1L4R1OUS

FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 2 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: WHAT THE HELL TEREZI
FCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
FCG: NO WAIT DON'T ANSWER THAT WE'LL BE HERE ALL DAY

FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 5 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FUTURE arachnidsGrip [FAG] 5 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FUTURE arsenicCatnip [FAC] 5 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCT: D--> Oh my.
FCT: D--> Nepeta, do not open that link.
FCT: D--> In fact, do not open any lin% that Pyrope provides.

FAC: :33 *the curious kitty's paw hovers over the tempting link*
FCT: D--> Perhaps it would be best if you stepped away from your terminal, Nepeta.
FCT: D--> And get me a towel while you're up.

FAG: woooooooow, Terezi, where do you find this stuff?
FAG: I'm impr8ssed.

FCG: FOR FUCKS SAKE DON'T ENCOURAGE HER
CURRENT grimAuxilliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC] 1:26 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
CGA: Both Terezi And Vriska Have Now Insisted I Participate In This Memo
CGA: Will I Regret Clicking On That Link

CGC: OF COURS3 NOT
FAG: dooooooooo 8t
FCG: YOU WILL REGRET IT EVERY NIGHT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
PTC: WhOa, WhAt Am I mOtHerFuCkInG wAtChInG?
PTC: ThAt OuR hUmAn BuDdIeS gEtTinG aLl DoWn WiTh EaChOtHeR?

CGA: Now I Must Investigate
FAC: :33 me too!
FAC: :33 sorry, equius!

FCT: D--> What? No
CGA: Oh Dear God My Eyes
CGA: Yet I Find I Cannot Look Away

FCG: WELL DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU
CGA: You Did Indeed Warn Me Karkat I Was Foolish To Disregard It
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
FUTURE twinArmageddons [FTA] 30 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS BUT FOR ONCE I AGREE WITH ZAHHAK
FCG: EVERYONE STOP BEING FUCKING CREEPY AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR TERMINALS
FCG: THAT'S AN ORDER

FTA: waiit what
FTA: KK agreeiing with EQ on anythiing?
FTA: thii2 ii've got two 2ee

FCG: GODDAMMIT SOLLUX
CAT: uH, cAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHAT'S, uH, hAPPENING HERE?
CAT: i, uH, dON'T UNDERSTAND,

CGA: My Understanding Is That This Is The Act Of Human Intimacy Most Closely Parallel To The Filling Of Filial Pails
FAC: :33 but they don't have any buckets!
FCT: D--> Nepeta you will refrain from using such 100d language.
FCT: D--> Also you will refrain from watching that filthy footage.

FAC: :PP
CGA: I Believe Humans Gestate Their Young Internally Not Unlike The Creatures You Are So Fond Of Portraying Nepeta
FAC: :33 so rose is going to have cubs?
CGA: Newborn Humans Are Called Babies And Usually Only One Is Born At A Time But Perhaps
PTC: MiRaClEs
FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA] 1:45 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAA: 0.0
FAA: im 0k with this

CGC: BW4H4H4H4H4
CGC: S33 K4RK4T WH4T 4R3 YOU COMPL41N1NG 4BOUT
CGC: 4R4D14 1S OK W1TH 1T

FCT: D--> Aradia, I e%pected better of you.
FCG: IF YOU REALLY FIND IT SO FUCKING OBJECTIONABLE
FCG: WHICH YOU SHOULD BECAUSE IT IS
FCG: AND THAT APPLIES TO ALL OF YOU MISERABLE WASTES OF TROLLFLESH

CGC: Y4WN
FCG: SHUT UP TEREZI
FCG: NOW WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH, EQUIUS MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP WATCHING DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?
FCG: I CAN SEE YOUR SCREEN FROM HERE, YOU'VE CLEARLY GOT THE FEED OPEN.

FAG: hey, is it just m8, or does John have really nice a8s?
CGA: To Be Perfectly Honest I Was Admiring Miss Lalondes Figure Myself
FCG: YOU GIRLS ARE TERRIBLE
FCG: I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT WATCHING THE HUMANS MATE HAS WARPED BOTH YOUR THINKPANS
FCG: MAYBE EVERYONE'S THINKPANS

FTA: liike any of u2 had functiional thiinkpan2 two begiin wiith
FTA: and you're 2tiill here two, KK

FCG: FUCK, YOU'RE RIGHT. NO ONE ELSE COULD HAVE EVER FIGURED THAT OUT IN A MILLION SWEEPS. THE PRIZE GOES TO SOLLUX CAPTOR.
CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCC: Ok, I'm )(---ER---E!
CCC: W)(at did you want me to sea, Terezi?

CGC: L1NK 4T TH3 TOP OF TH3 M3MO
CGC: 1TS 4N 1NT3R3ST1NG S3CT1ON OF TH3 LOL4R F33D 1 FOUND

CCC: I will c)(eck it out rig)(t away!
FCG: WAIT NO FEFERI YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT
FCG: AND I'M TOO LATE, AREN'T I?

FAG: oh grossssssss is she eating his genetic m8erial?
CGA: That Would Appear To Be The Case
CGA: And We Should Be Sensitive To Cultural Differences This May Not Be An Unusual Or Shameful Act For Humans

FCG: A BASIC MISUNDERSTANDING OF HOW TO REPRODUCE IS NOT A CULTURAL DIFFERENCE IT IS THE DOWNFALL OF A FUCKING SPECIES
CCC: Awww, t)(ey make the CUT--------EST couple!
CGC: SH3 DO3SNT S33M TO B3 3NJOY1NG 1T MUCH THOUGH
CGC: SH3S M4K1NG TH3 FUNN13ST T4ST1NG F4C3

FCG: TEREZI WE SERIOUSLY DID NOT NEED THE REMINDER OF HOW YOU'RE WATCHING THIS
FAC: :33 i agree with fefurry!
FAC: :33 *dashes off to update her shipping wall*

FTA: ii don't get you giirl2
FTA: ii mean iit'2 amu2iing and all but tho2e two are wor2e at the whole romance thiing than KK ii2

FCG: FUCK YOU
CCC: T)(ey're cute B---ECAUS---E t)(ey're so gawky!
FAC: :33 like how you and aradia were pawsitivly awkward back in the day, sollicks!
FCT: D--> Nothing Aradia was involved in could be described as awkward
FAA: 0.0 thanks i think
FAG: or how Tavros is pretty much a troll-shaped 8lo8 of pitifulness and that's why we keep him around
CAT: uH, i LIKE TO THINK I HAVE OTHER, uH, gOOD POINTS,
FAG: suuuuuuuure you do
FCG: VRISKA, STOP HITTING ON TAVROS
FCG: AND NEPETA, KEEP YOUR OBNOXIOUS SHIPPING TO YOURSELF
FCG: BACK ON TOPIC, WHICH FOR SOME REASON I SEEM TO CARE ABOUT, THE HUMANS SEEM TO HAVE FINISHED UP SO WHY ARE WE STILL WATCHING

CGC: B3 P4T13NT K4RK4T
CGC: TH3Y ST4RT UP 4G41N B3FOR3 TOO LONG

CCC: Anyway, some of us are krill catc)(ing up!
CGC: J3GUS K4RK4T HOW COULD YOU B3 SO 1NS3NS1T1V3
CCC: It's ok, really! 38) I'm just a LITTL---E behind t)(e crest wave you.
CGA: The Rest Of Us Could Pause The Feed For A Short Time To Allow You To Catch Up
CCC: T)(at would be reely nice of you!
FCG: OK EVERYONE WHO DOES NOT WISH TO BE KNOWN AS A BULGELICKING CHUTESHUCKER FOR THE REST OF FOREVER PAUSE YOUR FEED FOR A FEW MINUTES.
FCG: OR YOU KNOW JUST TURN IT OFF AND FIND SOMETHING USEFUL TO DO WITH YOUR TIME.

FAG: ........
FAG: soooooooo Kanaya
FAG: you seem to know an awful lot a8out how human s8x works
FAG: anything we should know????????

CGA: Like What
CGA: I Have Made An Effort To Educate Myself Via The Human Internet So As Not To Embarrass Myself Or The Humans To Whom I Speak
CGA: That Is All

CGC: H4H4 WHY WOULD YOU DO TH4T
CGC: 1TS SO MUCH MOR3 FUN TO W4TCH TH3M SQU1RM
CGC: 4ND BLUSH
CGC: 3SP3C14LLY BLUSH

FAC: :33 why??
CGC: H4DNT YOU NOT1C3D
CGC: 4LL OF TH3M H4V3 BR1GHT R3D BLOOD

FCG: WONDERFUL. TEREZI'S RED-FETISH TAINTED THE ENTIRE SPECIES.
CGC: 4R3 YOU SO SUR3 4BOUT TH4T K4RKL3S
FCG: NOT NOW YOU INSUFFERABLE NOOKSNIFFER
CGC: YOUR3 TH3 ON3 WHO BROUGHT 1T UP
FCG: I DID NOT. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO STARTED TALKING ABOUT BLOOD.
CGC: 4ND YOUR3 TH3 ON3 WHO M4D3 1T W31RD
FAG: would you two just g8t a room alr8y????????
CGC: SHUT UP VR1SK4
FCG: SHUT UP VRISKA
FTA: how'2 iit goiing, FF?
CCC: I t)(ink I'm just about cod up!
PTC: LeT uS aLl KnOw WhEn YoU'rE wItH uS, cHicA
PTC: NoT tHaT i MiNd WaItInG aS lOnG aS iT mOtHeRfUcKiNg TaKes
PTC: I'vE gOt It PaUsEd On A fUcKiNg MiRaCuLoUs ViEw Of RoSe'S aSs.

CGC: G4MZ33 TH4TS JUST WRONG
FTA: waiit, TZ, you iinviite u2 all two watch amateur human porn wiith you, and you thiink that'2 wrong?
FTA: diid 2omeone forget two tell me iit wa2 ragiing hypocriite day or 2omething?

CCC: Well, s)(e's done sucking on )(is... tentacle?
FAA: i d0nt think its m0bile enough t0 c0unt as a tentacle
FCT: D--> I am going to pretend very STRONGly that I was not just reading that e%change
FAC: :33 if you're purrtending, does that m33n you want to rp?
FCT: D--> No
FCG: I REPEAT: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN STILL DOING HERE EQUIUS?
FCG: IT HAD BETTER FUCKING NOT INVOLVE TOWELS
FCG: OH WHO DO I THINK I'M KIDDING OF COURSE IT DOES

CCC: Ok, everyone can res)(ark their video now! T)(ANK YOU FOR WAITING!
CAT: nO, uH, pROBLEM,
FAG: ...w8, if it takes this long 8etween sexings, how do they 8ver manage to fill a p8l?
CGA: As I Believe I Have Already Pointed Out Humans Do Not Actually Use One
FAC: :33 well kissing s33ms to be about the same fur humans, anyway
FCG: EXCEPT THAT THEY'RE WAY TOO FUCKING GENTLE ABOUT IT EVEN FOR MATESPRITS
FCG: THEY'RE HARDLY USING TEETH AT ALL. NOT THAT LALONDE HAS ANY DENTAL FEATURES WORTH MENTIONING.

FAC: :33 i think it's cute! and give them a break, this is pawviously their first quadrant
FCG: IT'S THEIR ONLY FUCKING QUADRANT
FCG: WAIT THAT WAS WORDED BADLY
FCG: IT'S THEIR ONLY QUADRANT, FUCKING OR OTHERWISE.
FCG: EGBERT TOLD ME, THEY'VE ONLY GOT THE ONE KIND OF ROMANCE
FCG: IT'S LIKE A REALLY CODEPENDANT OBSESSIVE MATESPRITESHIP
FCG: OR MAYBE LIKE BEING FLUSHED AND PALE FOR THE SAME PERSON AT THE SAME TIME
FCG: I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS STUPID AND CONFUSING AND I'M NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED EGBERT KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT

FAG: yeahhhhhhhh, judging 8y his perfom8nce here, I wouldn't think John is any kind of rom8nce guru
FAC: :33 well if they only have one quadrant, it's really nice that they have a canon ship in it!
FAG: assuming what8ver feeeeeeeelings they have survive this fum8ling mess
FAC: :(O how can you spay that? do you want the ship to sink?
FAG: maaaaaaaay8e I do, maaaaaaaay8e I don't
FCT: D--> Vriska.
FCT: D--> You will stop harassing my moirail immediately.

FAC: :33 *ac hides behind ct as he heroically defends her from the furrocious spiderbeast*
FCT: D--> She may be a little de100%onal sometimes but that does not give you cause to make her unhappy for your own unscrup001ous purposes
FCT: D--> And Nepeta that was not an invita%on to begin your f001ish roleplaying game with me

FAC: :33 sorry!
FAA: l00k
FAA: j0hn is trying an0ther 0riface

FCG: HALLEFUCKINGLUJAH. MAYBE HE'LL GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME.
CCC: You know, that hooks R--E--ELY uncomfortable. For both of them!
CGA: Perhaps Human Anatomy Renders That Position More Feasible For Them Than It Would Be For A Pair Of Trolls
FTA: naw look at her face, KN
FTA: 2he do2en't look liike 2he'2 enjoyiing her2elf much

FAG: I don't get it, if she's soooooooo uncomforta8le inverting why don't th8y just switch pl8ces?
FAG: I mean that's pretty 8asic.

CGC: M4YB3 SH3S JUST K1NKY L1K3 TH4T
CGA: Actually I'm Fairly Certain Humans Don't Work Like That
CGA: I Could Be Mistaken Of Course
CGA: But I Was Under The Impression That Human Females Had Only A Sort Of Pseudo-Nook
CGA: And Males A Sort Of Pseudo-Bulge
CGA: Such That They Cannot Easily Reverse Their Roles Without The Aid Of Prostheses And Using Non-Sexual Orifices

FCG: WHOA THERE KANAYA I DON'T REMEMBER PUNCHING MY PAYMENT VOUCHER ON THE ONE-WAY RAIL-BASED MODULAR TRANSIT TO TMI TOWN
FTA: really. becau2e ii'd thiink siitiing around thii2 memo amount2 two about the same thiing.
FCG: I ALSO DON'T REMEMBER ASKING FOR AN EXTRA HELPING OF CAPTOR SASS ON MY GRUBLOAF
FCG: ANYWAY THAT MAKES NO SENSE. THEY'D HAVE TO ALWAYS PAIR UP MALE/FEMALE THEN, WOULDN'T THEY?

CGA: I Believe That Same Gender Partnerships Are Indeed Considered Somewhat Outside The Norm
CGC: W3R3NT YOU Y3LL1NG SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT JOHN T3LL1NG YOU H3 W4SNT 4 H3MOS3XUAL 34RL13R K4RK4T?
FCG: HOMOSEXUAL THE FUCKING WORD IS HOMOSEXUAL, TEREZI, AND YOU HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND THAT ALL THE HUMANS ARE DEFECTIVE IN THE THINKPAN AREA AND THEREFORE LIABLE TO BE REALLY FUCKING CONFUSED ABOUT THINGS
PTC: He DoEsN't LoOk VeRy CoNfUsEd To mE
PTC: He LoOkS lIkE A mOtHeRfUcKeR wHo KnOwS wHaT hE WaNtS

FAG: Yeah, and Rose seems to 8e getting into it, too.
FAC: :33 maybe she just n33ded a little time to warm up!
CGC: S33 K4RK4T TH3 POOR L1TTL3 HUM4NS C4N F1GUR3 OUT HOW TO M4T3 W1THOUT YOU HOLD1NG TH31R H4NDS
FCG: WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE HOLDING THEIR HANDS WHILE THEY HAD SEX?
FCT: D--> Karkat if you must form such mental images you should refrain from de%ribing them in mi%ed company
FCG: GIVE IT UP ZAHHAK. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, WE ALL KNOW HOW INTO THIS YOU ARE, SO STOP TRYING TO LECTURE THE REST OF US YOU CHUTEWIPE.
FCT: D--> fiddlesti%, this towel is completely soaked. Nepeta, find me another one.
FCG: I'M REALLY CONFLICTED HERE OVER WHETHER TO TELL YOU TO STOP BEING SUCH A COMPLETE AND UTTER ASS TO YOUR MOIRAIL OR APPROVE OF ANYTHING THAT GETS A MEMBER OF THE OBNOXIOUS GIGGLEY VOYEUR CLUB AWAY FROM HER SCREEN.
FAG: Aaaaaaaand that's a little too much enthusiasm. I hope he d8dn't hurt himself.
CCC: I )(ope he didn't )(urt ROS---E!
FAC: :33 yeah, he looks furly heavy! i wouldn't want him falling on me!
FAA: i think shes 0k
FAA: i think theyre b0th 0k

PTC: MaN tHeY aRe JuSt A cOuPlE oFdEtErMiNeD FuCkErS ArEn'T tHeY?
PTC: JuSt AlL gEtTiNg It On nO mAtTeR wHaT gO wRonG

FCG: GAMZEE IF YOU SAY IT'S A MIRACLE I WILL GO TELL MY PAST SELF TO WALK OVER AND PAP YOU SO HARD IN THE FACE ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY
FAA: it d0esnt w0rk that way karkat
FAA: we d0nt need any m0re d00med timelines n0w anyway

FCG: PAST KARKAT WOULDN'T LISTEN ANYWAY, HE WAS TOO MUCH OF AN IDIOT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO
FTA: riight
CCC: Wait, is t)(at all the genetic material )(e's going to release?
FAC: :33 it doesn't s33m like a lot!
FAC: :33 and what about her? :(( they're never going to fill a bucket this way!

FCG: THEY
FCG: HAVE
FCG: NO
FCG: BUCKETS
FCG: HONESTLY KANAYA EXPLAINED THIS TO YOU ALREADY HOW HARD OF A CONCEPT IS IT

FAC: :33 it's just kind of weird!
FCG: YOUR FACE IS WEIRD
FAC: :00 my... face?
FCT: D--> You have a lovely face, Nepeta
FCT: D--> This degenerate wouldn't know beauty if it bit him

FCG: SAYS THE GUY WITH THE MUSCLEBEAST POSTERS ALL OVER THE PLACE
FCG: TEREZI YOU'VE ALREADY WATCHED THIS ARE THEY DONE NOW?

CGC: Y34H PR3TTY MUCH
CGC: TH3Y JUST G3T R34LLY CUDDLY FOR 4 WH1L3 4FT3R TH1S

CCC: Aw!
CGC: Y34H 1TS K1ND OF CUT3 1 GU3SS
FCG: OK YOU HEARD THE TROLL SHOW'S OVER EVERYONE MOVE OUT
FAC: :33 wanna go find the robot pile, equius?
FCT: D--> I think that would be appropriate, yes.
[FCT] ceased responding to memo.
[FAC] ceased responding to memo.
[FCG] ceased responding to memo.
FTA: hey FF meet me iin my block iin a few?
CCC: )(--E)(--E sure!
FTA: <3
[FTA] ceased responding to memo.
FAG: I compl8ly did not need to read that, guys
CCC: I'm shore you'll live!
[CCC] ceased responding to memo.
[FAA] ceased responding to memo.
CAT: i GUESS i'LL, uH, gO THEN,
[CAT] ceased responding to memo.
[FAG] ceased responding to memo.
[CGA] ceased responding to memo.
[PTC] ceased responding to memo.
FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 2:30 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: oh chum on wwhy does no one evver tell me about these things
CGC banned FCA from responding to memo.

CGC closed memo.