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I don't want to fight this war inside me anymore

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I'm so tired of hiding how I feel.
Years of suppressing the butterflies and excitement when I stare at him.
I don't want to keep fighting this war.
But how do I tell him without losing him?
I don't think I could survive him pulling away and not having him in my life.
We have been through everything together since birth.

*****************************************************************************

 

"E, where you at?" I hear Grayson calling.

I've been laying on my bed for the past hour staring at my ceiling trying to find the courage to tell him the one thing he doesn't know about me.
I hear him entering my room. I look over and his leaning against the wall covered in sweat. He must have just finished doing yoga outside. He is shirtless
and every damn ridge and valley is glistening in the sun shining in through my window.

"What're you doing?" he smirks.
"Nothing" I answer turning my head back to stare at the ceiling.
"Hey, what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong" I lie.
I hear him sighing and walking towards me.
"Hey, look at me"
I force myself to not look at him because it's like a moth trying to not fly towards the light.
I haven't been able to resist him for a long time but that's not something I want him to know, so I keep looking up.
"Ethan" I hear his frustration but I'm just not ready yet.
I'm not ready to reveal my darkest secret. I'm not ready to lose him.
But I have to. It's been so difficult lately to act normal.
To not act as though everything he does doesn't fascinate me.

"Gray..." I start but stop.
I look at him and he's looking at me expectantly.
"Yeah..."
I sit up because I just feel too vulnerable laying down while he's looking down at me.
I gesture for him to sit down and I can see the sudden realisation on his face that this is serious.
"E please, you're freaking me out" he pleads as he sits down at the foot of my bed.
"God Gray...just give me a minute" I say scrubbing my hands over my face and running them through my hair.

Grayson sits patiently but I can see it's not easy for him.
He has never been able to handle it when I'm unsure of myself.
I've always been the strong one.
I was his stronghold when he went through depression. I'm there to make him laugh when things get too serious.
So seeing me like this must be hard for him because I'm always the carefree, light-hearted twin.

"Gray, I need to tell you something."
"Okay.."
"I don't want to tell you, I need to tell you." I look into his eyes trying to communicate the urgency I'm feeling.
"E, you know you can tell me anything"
I take a deep breath.
"You say and believe that but Gray, what I'm about to tell you is going to change everything".
Grayson frowns at me and I can see the skepticism in his eyes.
"I'm serious Gray. Just please promise me that you won't hate me forever."
"E..."
"No"
"Ethan..." He leans closer to hug me but I lean away from him.
"Grayson please, I need to say this and I don't think you're going to want to be hugging me when I say this"

Worry pinches his face.
"I can't keep living like this anymore. I have been trying for years to act normal like what and who I am doesn't scare me"
I lift my head and for a moment I get lost in his eyes.
I shake myself. Looking down at my hands I say, "Grayson, I'm in love with you".
I take a deep breath and look at him.
Silence...there is just silence.

Suddenly I realise what I've just done. I jump up from my bed and try to leave but Grayson is quicker than me.
He blocks my way out.
"Where are you going?" He tries to put his hands on my shoulders but once again I move out of his reach.
"I'm sorry" I apologise trying to not cry and lose my shit infront of the one person who means everything to me but who I've just lost.
"Hey, hey" Again he tries to touch me but I push away suddenly feeling clausterphobic.
"Please Gray, just let me go!"
"Why are you trying to run away?" he asks.
"Because I don't want to see the disgust on your face! I don't want to see you look at me like you don't know who I am!"

"Ethan! Look at me!" Grayson yells at me.
Shocked, I lift my head. What I see is not disgust.
Grayson is frustrated yes but there is no disgust.
I search his face, a face I have seen everyday for 19 years. I know his face better than I know myself.
"Gray..." I say tentatively because this can't be true. Could it?

"E...baby, fuck!" now Grayson is running his hands through his hair. As he looks up a tear slips down his face.
Shocked I stand there waiting.
"Fuck Ethan, I have been waiting 4 years for you to feel the way I feel"
"I thought this day was never going to happen."
What? What!

"What?" I ask but really I'm freaking the fuck out.
As I stare at him, Grayson moves nearer. This time I don't move away.
Hesitantly, he lifts his hands. His right hand going to my cheek and the other, he places on my hip.
I stare into his eyes and this time I let myself get lost in them. I take a step closer.
"Grayson" I say softly.
"I'm right here Ethan"
The air feels charged, alive. "Is this okay?" Grayson asks. I nod my head because I am completely utterly mesmerised.
This is really happening. My deepest darkest secret isn't something that is pushing us apart but another thing we have in common; another thing we share.
And oh god, I have never been this happy.

Grayson pulls me closer and our lips touch. This should feel wrong but nothing has ever felt more right.
I push closer and deepen the kiss. I hear Grayson growling low and he pushes his leg between mine.
Heat explodes and I rub myself on his leg. There is no way he cannot feel what he is doing to me.
I've never been this hard in my life. Nobody has ever done this to me.

His hands grab my ass and he pushes in harder. Fuck, fuck!
"Bed, Gray...bed!"
Grayson pushes me onto the bed and I bounce. Pulling myself up towards the top, Grayson crawls towards me.
The intensity in his eyes is something I have never seen directed at me. His eyes look like liquid gold.

He runs his hands up my legs towards my crotch but bypasses it and goes to unbutton pants. I push up into his hands showing him my eagerness.
As he pulls my pants down he starts kissing my hipbone. A jolt of electricity shoots straight up my spine and I curve my back offering myself to him.
No words are spoken as he pulls down my boxers. I shiver in anticipation.
"Gray please" I beg.
"Tell me what you want" he looks at me and I can see fire burning behind his desire.
"You, all of you"
He surges up and kisses me. Our tongues dancing together. A dance we were made for.
I run my hands down his back feeling every muscle expand and retract.
I can't believe just 20 minutes ago I was convinced he was going to hate me and never want to be around me again.

Grayson nips at my neck and pushes his dick into mine.
I can't wait anymore.
"Please, please" I beg again.
"Shhhh I got you baby" he breathes into my ear.

He moves down my body and without warning he takes me into his mouth.
"Grayson!" I shout out.
I look down and he's already looking up at me.
I can't breathe, he looks absolutely fucking beautiful.
His cheeks are flushed and his lips stretched wide over my cock.
I moan and struggle to keep the noises down.
Grayson pulls off, "Let go baby, let me hear you" he smirks.

My cock disappears down his throat again. This time I completely surrender to the moment and I stare, pushing into his red glistening mouth.
It's not long before I feel my balls pull up.
"Gray...I'm close!" I try to pull out but he holds my hips down and picks up speed.
Oh lord!
"FUCKKKKKK!"
I come down Grayson's throat and he swallows around my cock shooting pleasure up my body. Ahhhhhhhhh!
Grayson pulls off and licks his lips, "You looked so beautiful E".He crawls back up my body kissing every inch.

He kisses me, smiling.
"What're you smiling at?" I ask.
"I can't believe how long I have waited for this and I can finally do this with you".
I smile wide and push him onto his back.I straddle him and look down at him.
"You're mine now, you hear me. YOU. ARE. MINE!"
Grayson starts laughing hard shaking me off him.
He pins me down, "Yes! God YES!!!"
"You are mine now too. Forever.There is no going back now".
"I love you Gray" I say
"I love you too E"

Needless to say, we didn't leave the room for a few hours...
Ethan! Don't lie
Okay, okay...hahaha...a few days