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Epistolary Idiocy

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To: Tezuka-buchou


I think, buchou, if someone wrote our story, they'd only ever, like, need these letters for reference. Yeah. What's that kinda story called? Uh, episs... episs epistolary. I asked Ryoma. He's pretty good at English, though it's not a surprise anymore, I mean, he's good enough to take advanced classes while I sit and dream about hamburgers in beginner's English.

Don't worry, I also dream about you. With the hamburgers. Not you and the hamburgers together, I mean, either you or the hamburgers. Mostly you. Hamburgers, when I'm hungry. Ah, yeah. Ryoma saw me writing this. He says I'm blushing. I told him to go away. He's PEERING OVER MY SHOULDER LIKE A NOSY GODDAMN BRAT

He's gone. He swore at me. Is "pineapple" a curse? What a disrespectful kouhai. Sorry, the letter's all messed up now. Blame that chibi. I'm not writing a new one. This isn't Animal Crossing.

Buchou, how does Germany look? Does it remind you of Hetalia Germany?

Doitsu. Doitsuuuuu

Mamushi's looking at me all weird now because I just said Doitsuuuuu out loud. Go away, Mamushi. Go irritate Inui-senpai or someone.

I was watching this one sci-fi flick the other day. I, Robot. It was so cool, buchou, we should really watch it together some day. Or maybe watch it on one of those synchronized sites. Although I bet we'd end up Skype-ing each other. And then we'd have really hot Skype sex

Can you read the crossed-out part? I hope you can't. Uh.

Buchou, when are you coming back? I miss you. I mean, the team, the team misses you. I do. More than them.

I love you more than them, too.

Kunimitsu Buchou, I was in my room the other day, and then I jerked off to thoughts of you.

The crossed-out part read "And then we'd have really hot Skype sex", by the way. Just taking this giant leap.

I want you. I miss you so much, buchou. I keep touching myself every day but you've ruined me, even for myself. And you haven't even KISSED me yet. Is this love?

Yes. I love you, buchou. To be honest, I have no clue why I'm writing you letters in the tennis club locker room when I could just as easily use the internet to send you emails. But emails are so... unemotional.

I'm unemotional, too, but emails are more unemotional. Like that Shinji guy from Fudomine. I could Skype with you, too, but. You'd only see my red face. I don't want you to see that embarrassing side of me.

I'm like such a blushing girl. Buchou, hold me~

I snorted out loud at that. Mamushi's staring at me weirdly again. I think. I can only see him out of the corner of my eye. Oh shit he's coming over and he's taking the lette------------------------

I beat him in the wrestling match we just had, buchou, don't worry. He didn't see the really shameful parts of the letter. I learned my lesson, I'll write my other letters to you at home, now. Or in math class.

Ugh, math.

You're a genious genius at math. I love you. I wish I could fuck you right now. I want to spread your legs and drive you wild.

I'm taking a leap of faith and the utmost bravery, and not putting correction fluid on that.

Oh, buchou. Oishi-fukubuchou's trying to hard to keep us all together. He works really hard. I feel terrible. I don't work as hard as him at all. I don't know what'll happen next year, though, when all of you are gone. I don't ever think about that. Because you'll be gone. And you probably won't stay my boyf mine.

You're mine, right?

Can I call you my boyfriend? Am I your boyfriend? I don't know how these things work. I'm not so smooth with guys as I am with girls. I HAVEN'T BEEN TRYING SHITSHIT

I passed History, though. Did you know? I got an A minus. My mom was crying. She said they'd probably mixed up my paper with some deserving nerd's. I'm a nerd, too! I'm a goddamn star! My Dunk Smash is fabu

I miss you. Oh, by the way, if you were searching for your new pair of glasses before you left, they're with me. I found them under my bed. Remember you fell asleep at my place the evening before you left and then woke up just a few hours before the flight haha yeah they're with me

I love you. So much. I hate this feeling.

I'm going to stop writing now, or I'll have to pay more for stamps because the letter will get heavier.




To: Takeshi


Dear Takeshi

Epistolary. That's the word, indeed.

I suppose that would summarize our story succinctly enough, but nothing ever can capture my desire for you as wholly as the real thing. Me. I haven't had a hamburger in Germany. I only ever like them when you're next to me.

I want to see you blush. It's not embarrassing. It's intimate, in a sense.

(A pineapple is a fruit. He was probably mocking your hair.)

What's Animal Crossing? And Hetalia Germany?

Momo, don't fight with Kaidoh. How is he doing? Does he still train 12 hours a day when school is out? Has Inui changed his training schedule and diet plan? How are the others? Eiji and Fuji must be fine. I'm worried about Taka. Don't let him use Hadokyuu more than five times in a day. I hope Echizen is also doing well. I spoke with Oishi the other day. He didn't seem as exhausted as you make him sound.

I've watched I, Robot already. It's good. The book is much better.

I love you more than my team, too.

I wish I could have been there to see that. You, in your room. You, every day. If I didn't know better, I would say you're trying to bring me back sooner than the date fixed for my return.

I just kissed the paper right now. You can kiss over the word 'kissed'. There. We've had our first kiss, now. My therapist gave me this idea. She's a romantic at heart. I don't know if this works. If the kiss will evaporate in the time it takes to reach Japan from Germany.

Yes. Emails would be a colder choice than handwritten letters.

Do not let Kaidoh read these letters again, Takeshi. We have reputations to maintain. I do not treat mine as flippantly as you do.

'Spread my legs and drive me wild'?


I'm amenable to that outcome, surprisingly.

Never use correction fluid on these letters. Be honest with me. I love you and I accept the embarrassing side of you along with the side that you call 'cool'.

And this - pay attention in class. Math is important.

Yes, I'm yours.

Takeshi, if I catch wind of you crudely 'hitting up' other boys or girls, severe consequences will await you when I return.

You're a star, yes. You're my North Star. I follow you home.

That line was, once again, recommended by my therapist. She seems to be getting vicarious pleasure from our exchanges. She also just reprimanded me for mentioning this.

I did miss those glasses. It doesn't matter, though. I acquired new prescription lenses here. I'll attach a picture (this was a suggestion from, once more...) in the next letter.

I love you, too.

My therapist just called you a cheapskate. I'm sorry, but she read the letter over my shoulder like Ryoma tried to do with you. I rescind whatever I said to you about not showing these communications to Kaidoh - I have no right anymore.

She says to introduce her. Well, she's Anneliese. And says hi.

Hello, Momo-kun! I feel like I know you already~ he talks sooo much about you, it's like you're right here with us! If you were wondering, Kunimitsu's arm is much better now, and if he heals at this rate, he might come home earlier than expected! Such good news for you, darling. Also, what's wrong with paying a few more yen for a longer, more loving letter? He gets really lonely, you know. xo Anne

That was her, strangely eager to talk to you.

Awaiting your reply

Your boyfriend,

Kunimitsu (which is what you're supposed to call me in private, not buchou)