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No Mum, He Really Is My Boyfriend

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Remus apparated back to his lounge. It was rude to apparate in the middle of a sentence, but he didn't care. He had to get away from whatever his name was. It had been another date set up by his mother and by all accounts, it was the worst one yet. Whatever his name was, was incredibly dull. So dull, in fact, that Remus had already forgotten his name.

He rubbed a hand over his face and glanced around the mess that was his lounge. He narrowed his eyes at Sirius sprawled across the sofa, drooling in his sleep. His leather jacket was bunched up on the floor, atop a pile of sweet wrappers. Empty glasses and mugs of half drunk coffee were dotted around the room. Remus had been gone for three hours and already the lounge looked like a bomb site. How on earth Sirius managed to mess up a room this much in so little time, was beyond Remus.

All he knew, was that he was absolutely not cleaning it this time.

He grabbed his wand from his pocket and aimed it at one of the glasses, “Wingardium Leviosa.”

The glass hovered, the water sloshing against the sides, threatening to spill out. It made its slow way to Sirius and floated just above his face. In one swift motion, Remus twirled his wand and the glass spun upside down, splashing the water across Sirius's face.

Sirius jerked upright, spluttering and gasping. He looked panicked and terrified. Swiping his hands over his face, he caught sight of Remus. His face darkened. Remus tucked his wand back into his pocket, smirking slightly. The look on Sirius's face when he woke up had definitely brightened his day. Sirius placed his feet on the ground and rubbed at his eyes, “You promised to stop doing that.”

“You promised to stop messing up my house.” Remus said pointedly.

“It's our house.” Sirius said through a yawn. When Remus kicked disgustedly at an empty crisp packet, Sirius asked, “How was your date?”

Remus groaned for a long time, and flopped down on the couch next to Sirius. He ran a hand through his hair, “Awful. Just... Just awful.”

“That bad?” Sirius asked, picking his jacket off the ground, and levitating it towards the coat rack. He stood up, surveyed the mess around him, and made no attempt to clean it up. The tips of his hair were curled up slightly from where he'd lay on the couch.

“For three hours he talked about the effects of weather on Tentaculas. Three hours.” Remus groaned.

Sirius scoffed, and flopped back down on the couch. Remus glanced around the messy room and grimaced. He could leave Sirius to clean this up, but both of them knew that could take up to three days to get done, even with magic. Remus would have to do it, maybe some cleaning would take his mind off Boring McBoringface's idea of a date. Really, was this what Remus was to expect for the rest of his life now? Boring dates with boring people, set up by his mother? Remus sighed. The problems with being a werewolf.

“Why don't you just tell your mum you don't want to date?” Sirius asked, popping another Pumpkin Fizz into his mouth and tossing the wrapper to the ground – choosing to ignore the disgusted noise Remus let out.

Because. ” Remus said, reciting the answer he always gave to this question, “My mum wants me to be happy and she doesn't think I can be happy on my own. She won't accept 'mum, nobody wants to date a werewolf' as an excuse either.”

Sirius pinned him with a strange look. Remus drew his brows together, Sirius was looking at him so weirdly. The expression left his face quickly, replaced by amusement, “Women have monthly problems too, and people still want to spend time with them.”

Remus punched Sirius gently on the shoulder and stood up, “Yeah, but I don't think a bit of blood is the same thing as turning into a great, hulking beast that wants to eat you.”

Sirius laughed and aimed his wand at the TV.

“Expelliarmus!” Remus shouted before Sirius could turn the TV on. He caught the wand expertly as it spun towards him. Sirius looked offended and held his hand out for his wand. Remus shook his head and gestured to the room, “Clean this mess and then you can have your wand back.”

“Tosser.” Sirius muttered under his breath. Remus pretended he hadn't heard and walked into the kitchen. Just before he left the room, he saw Sirius force himself up from the couch with a groan.

After grabbing a bottle of pumpkin juice from the fridge, Remus made his way up the stairs. He turned right on the landing. Outside his bedroom door, he shut his eyes and counted to ten, bracing himself for the lecture that was about to come.

The you can't be so picky, Remus lecture. The you have to settle down, Remus lecture. The even though you're only nineteen and totally in love with your best friend, you need to find a boy who's actually interested in you, Remus lecture.

Remus palmed the door open and stepped in, sipping at his pumpkin juice. Sat at the desk, reading The Daily Prophet was Hope Lupin. She turned to face the door when Remus walked in and smiled expectantly. Remus smiled back at her quickly, before shaking his head. She looked disappointed to say the least, “Remus, you can't keep saying no to every boy I set you up with.”

She turned the chair to face Remus, and picked an invisible thread off her cardigan, “What was wrong with this one?”

“He was so boring!” Remus exclaimed.

“Boring is good! Boring is stable!” Hope said.

Remus took another mouthful of pumpkin juice, suddenly wishing it was firewhiskey.

“I think you bring enough excitement to the relationship, don't you?” Hope asked.

Remus moved to sit on the bed, sighing. She was right, in a way. He did need someone stable, but why did that mean they had to be boring? Couldn't he have someone like Sirius?

Remus laughed at his own thoughts. Sirius Black was anything but stable.

“Mum, I...” Remus paused. He wanted to tell his mum he didn't want to date. Wanted to explain to her that the werewolf thing – who he was – meant anyone close to him was in danger. He didn't want to risk getting close to someone who ditched him the moment they found out about his secret. He didn't want to risk anyone's life.

But he didn't want to disappoint her either. Hope so badly wanted Remus to be happy, and in a normal relationship, he couldn't bare to discourage her. He needed an out. He needed an excuse-

A bang sounded from downstairs interrupting Remus's thoughts. He pushed his fringe out of his eyes, it was probably Sirius acting like a child and...


Something in Remus's mind suddenly clicked. He smiled, “I'm dating Sirius.”

Judging by the parade of boys Hope had set Remus up with, over the past few months, Sirius wasn't her idea of boyfriend material. Her idea of boyfriend material was: boring, incredibly dull, not at all interesting, and blond. None of which applied to Sirius Black.

Still, her face lit up with glee the moment the lie left his mouth. Remus was pulled into an excessively tight hug, and cringed. He'd have to get to Sirius as soon as possible, and brief him. Remus cringed further at the thought of that conversation.

Hey, Sirius, do you mind kissing me in front of my mum? As friends though, I'm not in love with you or anything...”

Remus pulled out of his mum's grip, and she swiped a tear from her eye. Remus shuffled awkwardly.

“Why didn't you tell me?” Hope asked, smiling. 

“Erm... Because... I... Sirius is shy and...” Remus grimaced, and ran a hand across his face. Wearily, he finished, “We were waiting for it to be official.”

“Oh Remus! I'm so happy!” If Hope could see Remus's discomfort she didn't let on. Instead, she neatened the messy hair on Remus's head lovingly.

“Yeah, so I'm going to go and make dinner...” Remus said, extracting himself from his mum's arms. She was grinning so widely, Remus thought she might be having a breakdown. He backed towards the door, fiddling with the lid from his pumpkin juice. Out in the hallway, he shut the door behind him and took a deep breath. He stared blankly at the walls. The realisation of what he'd just done came crashing down.

What the hell had he just done?

Remus Lupin you are one massive idiot.

Remus downed the remainder of his pumpkin juice, again wishing that it was firewhiskey. There was probably some firewhiskey in their house, he did live with Sirius after all. But he knew he couldn't get drunk right now, he had to get to Sirius. He could get drunk after.

He turned and sprinted down the stairs, almost tripping down several times. He burst through the living room door, and Sirius leapt up from the couch, “I'm doing it, I'm doing it!” He said, picking up an empty glass.

“You're my boyfriend.” Remus blurted out, quickly cursing himself.

Sirius drew his brows together, and stared at Remus. Nonplussed, he asked, “Since when?”

“I don't know why I did it. I just needed a lie and then there was a bang and oh Merlin, fuck,” Remus said, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, and pacing the room, “It just happened, and I'm sorry. I'll tell her the truth in a minute. Oh Merlin, she's going to kill me.”

Remus felt hands grip his shoulders and hold him in place. When he removed his hands from his eyes, he saw Sirius stood directly in front of him, looking incredibly lost. Sirius was so close, Remus could feel the warmth radiating off him. His grey eyes were enchanting, Remus felt himself relaxing in Sirius's hands.

“Moony, what the hell are you talking about?” Sirius asked, shaking Remus gently.

“I told my mum we were dating.” Remus whispered. Maybe if he said it quietly enough, it would stop being true...

“You told your mum we were dating.” Sirius stated. It didn't sound like a question, more like Sirius was just confirming what Remus had said to himself. Remus felt his knees wobble slightly. Sirius was so going to freak out. Any minute now he'd ask Remus what the fuck was wrong with him, and didn't he know Sirius was straight!

It's a good thing Remus had Sirius's wand because he didn't feel like he could run away from curses right now.

Remus silently begged Sirius to say something. He begged himself to say something. To explain that he didn't actually have feelings for Sirius – he just needed his mum to stop setting him up on dates. It was absolutely nothing to do with the swirling feeling inside Remus's chest every time Sirius said his name, or the warmth that spread right down to his toes when Sirius came downstairs in his boxers. No, absolutely nothing to do with that.

Just when Remus was about start vomiting out some kind of explanation, and probably end up digging himself deeper into this hole, Sirius started laughing. Actually laughing. He dropped his hold on Remus, still laughing to himself. Remus felt one corner of his mouth tug up at the sound. Maybe Sirius was having a breakdown as well as Hope.

“You... You... Told your mum...” Sirius choked out between laughs. Remus waited, getting ready for the explosion that would no doubt follow.

Eventually, Sirius composed himself. After one final laugh, he looked up at Remus, and shrugged, “Okay.”

“Okay what?” Remus asked, nervously.

“I'll be your boyfriend.” Remus almost choked, but Sirius didn't seem to notice, “Well, fake boyfriend, whatever.”

“I wasn't asking...” Remus squeaked.

Sirius nudged Remus's shoulder, “I know, but your mum's staying here for the week, isn't she?” Remus nodded mutely, and Sirius continued, “Then we'll need to act like... Well, you know.”

If Remus didn't know better, he'd think Sirius looked embarrassed, but after eight years of friendship, Remus knew Sirius had no concept of embarrassment. The look on Sirius's face was probably just suppressed amusement at Remus's own embarrassment.

“Um... Okay....” Remus said hesitantly.

A grin broke out on Sirius's face, “So when should we have sex?”

Remus felt his cheeks flush. Sirius burst into laughter again, and threw an arm over Remus's shoulder, “I'm kidding, Moony. You're so easy to embarrass. I promise I'll keep my hands to myself.” Sirius ducked his head and whispered in Remus's ear, “Unless you'd rather I didn't.”

Remus yanked his body away from Sirius, and glared at him. Hoping his anger could mask his arousal. He could still feel where Sirius's breath had tickled his ear. He knew the flirting meant nothing though, Sirius flirted with everyone – everyone.

“I've made a huge mistake.” Remus muttered as he wandered into the kitchen, trying to get the image of Sirius's hands out of his head.