Work Header

That's Some Hot Dish.

Work Text:

“Hola, cheese connoisseurs! I’m Brittany S. Pierce and we’re here for another installment of Fondue for Two!”

“Today, we have our resident Diva turned Broadway star turned flop reality TV star turned Female Schue Jr., Rachel Barbra Berry.” The camera moved quickly towards Rachel who is sporting her signature over enthusiastic ‘I’m friendly but I will not hesitate to stab you if you steal my spotlight’ megawatt smile.

“Also joining us today is my hot, gorgeous, amazing, talented, beautiful, lady lover and soon to be wife and baby momma, Santana Lopez!” Brittany introduced Santana as the camera showed her girlfriend sprawled on the bed with one elbow propped up on the pillow flipping nonchalantly on a magazine. Santana at the mention of her name smirked at the camera and did a flirtatious wink towards Brittany who returned the same with a bite in her lip. The camera spanned out catching Brittany mouthing towards her girlfriend some words that looked like “I’m gonna do you so hard later.”

The eye-fucking between the two lovers looks like it was about to get out of hand but before Brittany could move to stand up and stalk towards her girlfriend on the bed, Rachel did an overdramatic cough which effectively brought out Brittany from her “Santana daze”. Santana can be seen at the back rolling her eyes at Rachel’s cliché’ antics before continuing to flip her magazine.

“Sorry not sorry” Brittany shrugging and looking straight at the camera.

“Okay, let’s get started. So Rach--“

“Um, Brittany, aren’t you forgetting something? Or someone for that matter? Tina who was sitting on Brittany’s right, present the whole time, interrupted the blonde.

“No, I don’t think so.” Brittany deadpanned, looking confused at the camera for a second.

“You’re forgetting someone, Brittany!” Tina incredulously replied.

“Oh my god, you’re right, how could I forget?” Brittany remarked, suddenly remembering.

“We also have on the show the awesome, the incredible, the mutlif-talented…”

Tina smiled at the camera.

“Lord Tubbington!” Brittany finished her introduction with the camera showing the extra-large feline in front of a laptop, manning what appears to be the comments section of the show.

“Me! Brittany! You’re forgetting me!” Tina yelled towards Brittany.

“Hey, watch your tone with my fiancée’, Chang, or else you’d be leaving this room with a real stutter!” Santana remarked, not at all happy about Tina yelling at her girl. The threat effectively shut Tina up but not before rolling her eyes at Santana.

Brittany, unaffected by the exchange between the two girls, just then continued, “Oh, and yeah, Tina is also here.” The camera pointed towards Tina who is still sporting a scowl for being disregarded.

“So, let’s go back to what I was saying before I got so rudely interrupted.” Brittany said, glaring pointedly at Tina while saying the last lines. Rachel on the other hand looked smug and pleased that she was at least given a formal- or well, somewhat formal introduction on the show.

Brittany turned towards Rachel, “So,” looking at the small diva “Is it true that the main reason why you took the post of being the Glee club adviser is to finally fulfill your life-long dream of wearing a vest and curling your hair?”

“What?” “Brittany, no, that’s not even…” Rachel answered, somewhat taken aback by the question.

She then however sat straight up, composed herself and answered, “I’m afraid that the rumor is not true, Brittany.” She then looked at the camera, “ I took the responsibility to rebuild the ruins of the former Glee Club in McKinley, not to wear a vest or curl my hair, as some rumormongers believes, but to har-“

“Snooze alert” Santana, yawning loudly, interrupted what could have been a very long winded answer by the little diva.

“Lord Tubbington informed me that 1/3 of our viewers tuned out when you started talking so, let’s move on to another question.” Brittany said.

“Oh…okay” Rachel just then nodded.

“What’s the answer to the riddle?” “Brittany, what riddle?” Rachel asked, confused.

“Your riddle”

“My riddle? Brittany, what are you talking about?” Rachel becomes even more confused.

“The answer to your riddle so we can finally pass the bridge that you’re guarding.” Brittany deadpanned as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

“Brittany!” Rachel, eyes wide, whisper yelled at Brittany who was still patiently waiting for an answer. She can’t believe Brittany is implying that she’s a bridge troll.

Santana can be seen from the bed covering her mouth trying so hard to suppress her laughter but failing. Her fiancée’ really is a genius. “I’m not a troll!” Rachel defended herself.

“I have it on good authority that you are.” Brittany replied, “When will the lies stop?” She then continued. Rachel stared with mouth agape at Brittany for a good moment before finally replying, “Santana is not “good authority”, Brittany! She has completely rub off on you.” Dramatically pointing her fingers at Brittany.

“Oh, we always rub off on each other all right, and my fiancee’ is a good authority, I love it when I let her take control in the bedroom. She’s always the hot cop in our foreplay.” Brittany smugly stated towards the camera, mind suddenly drifting back to a few hours ago when she and Santana “rubbed off” real hard on and against each other. A sudden shot of arousal rushed over her, she really need to finish the show quick so she and her fiancée’ can rub off each other and put that fuzzy pink handcuff again into use, she thought to herself.

Santana is still chuckling at the back, incredibly amused and impressed at how good Brittany plays other people. Rachel, exasperated, just huffed and crossed her arms across her chest finally admitting defeat, accepting that she can never win an argument against Brittany.

“She won’t give us the answer, folks. Looks like we’d still continue to take that detour to be able to cross that river.” Brittany shrugged addressing the camera.

“So, that ends our sh—“

“Brittany!” Tina interrupted her again. “Why did you even invite me here if you’re not even going talk to me?”

“Oh, Tina, you’re still there.” Brittany finally acknowledged her presence.

“Fret not, my friend” Brittany continued. “We invited you here because we have surprise for you.” Brittany smiled cheekily.

Tina actually looked hopeful at the mention of a surprise. Maybe coming here wasn’t a total waste of time after all.

“Babe.” Brittany turned towards Santana.

Santana then pulled on the bedside drawer and retrieved a rainbow colored folder. She then got up from the bed, walked towards Brittany and gave her a peck on the lips before handing her fiancée’ the folder.

“Thank you, baby.” Brittany sent a flying kiss towards her girl who had resumed her position on the bed and who eagerly caught the kiss and brought it to her lips while winking at her.

Rachel and Tina would’ve found it adorable if it weren’t for the sinking feeling that they are just getting played by the two lovers.

“This is for you” Brittany with a smile, handed Tina the oddly colored folder. Tina warily took the folder from Brittany. She then proceeded to open it and found some papers with her name and credentials on it. On top of the pile is a letter addressed to her from “Rainbow University”, she looked confusedly at the still smiling blonde for brief second before continuing to read the rest of the letter. Her eyes widened upon understanding the contents of the letter. It’s a letter from Rainbow University informing her that she had been accepted as student in their University with a full-ride scholarship.

“Brittany, Santana, what the hell is this?” Tina asked the two. She then looked at some of the papers in the folder and she recognized them as her records and transcript from Brown University, including an honorable dismissal certificate.

“Surprise!” Brittany answered giddily.

“What the hell are all of these?” Tina already feeling certain dread that she will not like the explanation for all of it at all.

“We transferred you school!” “You what!?”

Tina is about to get hysterical

“We transferred you to  new school! Santana told me you got into Brown University and I really felt sorry for you. Brown is a really boring color, like, really really boring and just reminds me of tree barks and gross stuff. It’s my least favorite of all my crayons. You’re young, you need some vibrancy in your life, Tina! So, with the help of Santana, I got this amazing idea to transfer you to an awesome school, and what could be more awesome than Rainbow University? I mean, rainbows have seven colors and none of it is brown so it’s a total win! You won’t be stuck in boring Color Brown University anymore. We already took care of everything, we’ve pulled out your records from Brown, arranged your transfer, classes, signed you up in some clubs pertinent to your interest, we’ve also already set up your boarding near the Asian community center so that you can be close to your own people, so all you have to do now is to go there and get settled.” Brittany explained enthusiastically. “ They also offered to give you a full scholarship after knowing that you came from Color Brown University, I think they really felt sorry for you too for being stuck in that school.” she added, looking mighty proud of herself.

Rachel listened to everything with her mouth wide open.

Santana is just nonchalantly flipping the pages of a new magazine.

Tina is about to faint.

“Brittany! Oh my god, Brittany why? Is that even a real school!? Where did you even find it? Brown is an Ivy school, Brittany, It’s Ivy!” Tina is now on full-rage mode.

“It’s real, Chang. It’s in Saskatchewan.” Santana answered for Brittany

“In Canada?” Rachel still confused.

“We found it on the internet.” Brittany supplemented, still smiling

“Oh, and who’s Ivy? Brittany curiously asked

Tina is getting dizzy, she feels like she’s going to faint any minute now. She has to fix this thing that her friends did, she thought to herself. So without answering Brittany’s question, she gathered all the papers and dashed out of Brittany’s room quickly, she just hope that it’s not too late yet and Brown will still accept her back.

A brief silence fell upon the remaining inhabitants in the room after Tina left.

“How long do you think will it take for her to figure out that it was just a prank?” Brittany spoke up first.

“I have no idea, babe, but she’ll figure it out.” Santana answered her fiancée

Rachel then spoke up, the turn of events finally sinking in on her, “I can’t believe you did that guys, that was evil.”

“Nah, it’s sheer genius.” Santana who had left the bed and is now behind Brittany, wrapped her arms around her fiancée’s torso and kissed her shoulder.

“Yep.” Brittany replied, melting into Santana’s embrace, suddenly remembering her plan to “rub off” against Santana again. She just needs to get rid of Rachel fast!

“That’s all for today, folks. Join us again next time, here on Fondue for Two”


Fondue for two, fondue for two, That’s some hot dish, Fondue for two!

-End credits-