It was a peaceful night at Ponyville…
OR WAS IT?!
Well, yeah, it wasn’t, but what night can be peaceful when a big, scary and pink changeling is storming through and eating everything!
Why is it pink? Because it’s a parody, silly!
So, the changeling stormed through the city, eating up everything is sight, from fences to trees, from flowers to mailboxes, from bushes to…
“Great. Let the ass jokes commence.”, Cranky grumbled as his walked off, his behind now missing a chunk off of it.
Anyway, the monster would end up at Vinyl Scratch and Octavia Melody’s house, where things were about to get deharmonized…
Is that a word? Eh, whatever, you catch my drift!
“Mmm… When there’s something strange… In your neighborhood… Who you gonna call?”, Vinyl hummed to herself in her sleep, before suddenly getting up and laying down a mean disk scratch. “VINYL SCRATCH!”
Satisfied with her rocking music, Vinyl gave herself a little applause and bowed to the imaginary audience, before opening her eyes and seeing…
“Oh shit! Was my music that bomb?”, she thought, as she looked around her eaten home, witnessing with horror the changeling leaving…
The next morning, everypony (and by that, all the background ones, the mane 6 had some villain or whatever to deal with for a two parter) were gathered at That Muffin Place down by the post office. Ponies of all shapes and sizes were gathered there, and they all had one thing in common: They were all morbidly frightened.
“It was BIG! And all wigglyyyy!”, Vinyl pantomimed, turning all wiggly too, a trick she had learned from her BFF Pinkie Pie. “She would be useful now…”, thought Vinyl, in a rarely sad moment. “And it ATE everything!”, she finished, her voice sounding like a disk scratch too, but not a sick one.
Other ponies were quick to join in on the complaining, hooves nervously tapping on the restaurant floor, it’s baby blue and cloudy gray walls not fitting in with the atmosphere of panic.
“It ate my classified spy documents on everyone! Now I can’t remember all your names!”, Bon Bon whined, her “best friend” Lyra offering a supporting hoof on her mane.
“It ate my kids homework!”, Ditzy Doo said worriedly, her lazy eye travelling as ever, while Dinky and Amethyst winked, proud of their deception.
“Do I HAVE to explain?”, Cranky said, and everyone sympathetically glanced at him.
The ponies were all getting anxious; concerned murmers, whispers of “How can we protect ourselves?” coated the place in a frantic paint. Was a solution anywhere in sight?
“I’ve got it! Let’s all get pissed drunk!”, Berry Punch offered, already dunking down a mug of apple cider.
“Does anyone have a solution that isn’t getting drunk?”, Dr. Whooves asked, taking control of the situation, a bead of sweat already trickling down from his mane; this was a tricky problem, and one where his specific skill set would be of no use, his sonic screwdriver still malfunctioning from the “Gummy Incident”. He shuddered; the horror. The horror.
“OOH! We should lock our doors! YEAH!”, Buff Biceps offered, flexing hard.
“He can EAT doors, genius!”, Stephen Magnet, who somehow fit into the store, sniped. “Clearly we should alert my hairstylist, she does AMAZING things!”, he offered, showing off his hair, a few ponies nodding in agreement.
“We should use carrots!”, Carrot top said, throwing carrots into the air.
As everyone kept offering ideas, Lyra suddenly burst out with her own, her voice rising above the madding crowd. “WE SHOULD TAKE PONYVILLE AND PUSH IT SOMEWHERE ELSE!”
A hush fell upon the gathering, and Lyra, feeling quite accomplished, allowed herself a pleasant smile, her snout slightly raised up into the air.
Whooves, who had a tendency to clash with Lyra’s… Unconventional ideas, scratched his chin with his hoof. “You know something…”, he began, a thicc layer of sarcasm dripping from his words. “That idea may just be crazy enough… TO GET US ALL KILLED!”
“What’s wrong with my idea?!”, Lyra shouted, but no one could hear her since hooves were smacking down on the ground and shouts of frustration and fear covered the atmosphere. It seemed like no one could get it done.
“We need to send someone to tackle the beast!”, a mare demanded.
“No one’s fool enough to fight that monster!”, Bon Bon said, wishing her old S.M.I.L.E contacts could be here.
Suddenly, a gasp rose up in the crowd as the gentle yet monumental hoofsteps of none other than Princess Celestia greeted the establishment.
Everypony immediately fell silent and bowed in respect to their princess, who gazed down with a look of utmost seriousness at Doctor Whooves. The stallion rose with dignity and kept his head low.
Celestia cleared her throat, and with a mighty stare, she asked…
“Where is the little mare’s room?”
Everyone awkwardly stood up and Whooves, wishing this day would just get it over with and kill him, pointed to the left.
“Thank you!”, said a grateful Celestia as she ran off to the left.
Everyone stared off disappointed, only for an equally fancy voice sandwiched by a British accent and an air of superiority to grab their attention.
“I’ll nab that treacherous beast for you! That is, if you are willing to reward my efforts…”, Octavia Melody, snout very much so in the air, smirked at Cranky Doodle.
Cranky, pupils shrinking, screamed and hid behind Stephen Magnet. “NO! NEVER! YOU WON’T GET A BIT OUT OF ME! WHY, I’D RATHER HAVE THE CHANGELING EAT YOU ALL ALIVE!”, he brayed, mouth foaming, before realizing how selfishly he was behaving. He laughed nervously at the disapproving stares now surrounding him. “Heh heh. Sorry.”
“Seriously Cranky, this is a new low.”, Stephen replied, and Cranky looked apologetic.
Octavia, however, laughed simply. “Oh heavens no, I don’t want money! I was just playing up the drama, it was to DIE for! No, see, I want revenge! That brute ate my house and one of my prized cellos!”, Octavia explained, showing off a cello string.
Vinyl growled, infuriated. “How DARE anyone attack my sexy wife’s sexy cello? This sexy, I mean, horrible beast will feel my wrath, brah!”, Vinyl declared, eyes on the prize.
But the eyes on Vinyl all shook with laughter, even Octavia, who patted Vinyl’s head and smiled softly if a little cockily. “Oh, darling, you are the greatest, but everyone knows who wears the pants in this relationship!”
Vinyl looked down at her flank, just in case. “…But we don’t wear pants.”, she replied, confused.
“Whatever. Citizens of Ponyville, I shall slay the dreaded fiend and reap the spoils of victory! Do not fear for my fate, for fate is my mistress!”, Octavia crowed, Vinyl once more confused.
“I thought I was your mistress.”
“Hush now, my songbird. Hush.”
“But Tavi!”, Vinyl cried out, remembering the monster she had seen last night. “This isn’t just any Saturday morning cartoon monster! This is a REALLY BIG CHANGELING!”
“I’ve wrestled music critics in my past. This is the same, but less infuriating.”, Octavia replied, ignoring her wife’s pleading eyes, and off she went with her head held high, Vinyl galloping right behind her in alarm.
“Tavi! Tavi! It’s not as easy as you think!”
Meanwhile, the crowd cheered and clapped for Octavia, calling out to her “Go Octavia! We have the utmost confidence in you!”
The cheering went on for a few moments, before Cranky turned back to Lyra. “What was that plan of yours again?”
A few minutes later…
“PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!”, Lyra shouted out as the ponies pushed Ponyville.
Meanwhile, Octavia had already reached the Everfree forest, but Vinyl refused to give up.
“Tavi! Wait! Please! I! Can’t! Run! That! Far!”, Vinyl shouted out, out of breath and almost out of time.
“Oh, hello, love! You’ve come to watch?”, Octavia asks, hoping to impress her beloved, a red tint rising on her cheeks.
Vinyl, however, was in no flirting mood. “Tavi, don’t go!”
Octavia sighed. “Why not?”
“Because I SAW it, Tavi! It was BIG… SCARY… AND PINK!!!”
“So is Pinkamina, but when I read Cupcakes I only screamed 50 times and you are still screaming internally!”, Octavia reassured.
“Impressive as that is, you’ll get massacred!”, Vinyl cried, smashing into Octavia and turning into a record player.
“Vinyl, I’m part of the elite: what is big for me and big for you is very different. Besides, it ruined one of my cellos. I can’t take that standing.”
Vinyl looked down sadly, before getting an idea. But she’d have to sell it! Hopefully all those acting lessons with Pinkie would nail it!
“Well… What if… It wasn’t the changeling who did it?”, she shimmied her feet nervously on the forest floor, a frog passing by her.
“Oh? Then who has my cello?”, Octavia asked, confused.
“…I do?”, Vinyl said unconvincingly.
“Oh, well why didn’t you say so, silly?”, Octavia answered in relief. “Where is it?”
“…In my tale.”
“Well, then, give it to me!”, Octavia said, but everytime she extended her hoof Vinyl avoided her.
“Come on, Vinyl, this isn’t funny!”, Octavia said, and Vinyl, closing her eyes in fear, offered…
“…Vinyl, that’s a statuette of a middle finger painted to look like the soviet flag.”
“No, it’s your cello!”, Vinly shouted in desperation, and Octavia snapped.
“HOW WOULD YOU KNOW, YOUR EYES ARE ALWAYS CLOSED WHEN YOU PLAY!!!”, Vinyl shouted, before fear embracing Octavia and weeping. “OH TAVI PLEASE DON’T GO DON’T GO DON’T GO!”
Vinyl had never felt more strongly about something than this, and she was no crier, but Octavia ignored her alarm bells and shook off the worry.
“Vinyl, come on! You’re supposed to be the cool slacker, and I’m the one who takes charge! Go back to nodding your head and saying “Kewl”.” She began to trot off, but Vinyl called after her.
“There is NOTHING you can say that will stop me!”, Octavia shouted back, and Vinyl stumbled around with an idea.
“Oh yeah? Well, what if I say… Blargen-fezzible-nahkip?!”
“…Well, I’ll admit, that DID stop me, but I’m still going forwards!”
Octavia entered a stride, but Vinyl was hot on her heels, panickingly following besides her with another excuse. “You know, Cello’s aren’t that “In” anymore! Why don’t we shake it up and get accordions? Cheese Sandwich highly recommends them!”
Octavia ignored her, and Vinyl reappeared with Muffins.
“I HAVE MUFFINS! With caviar….”, Vinyl lamely continued as Octavia ignored once more.
Vinyl then put on a mask that looked like Octavia but with a beard.
“Octavia, this is your father! I forbid you from doing this!”
“Just because I called you daddy once, Vinyl, doesn’t mean I’ll stop for you!”, Octavia said, cheeks flushed, only to stop at the sight of Vinyl with her arms outstretched in front of her.
“If you wanna get to that beast you have to get through me, dude!”
Octavia looked down for a second, and then simply trotted past Vinyl, who split open like electric doors.
“Damn it.”, Vinyl said, before resuming her chase.
“Octavia, stop it! I’m not letting you get killed! If you see that creature it will eat you for sure!”, Vinyl begged, but Octavia shrugged her off once more.
“I am more than tough enough for that brute! After all, who has the biggest temper in the background 6?”, Octavia asked, her hooves flashing intense muscles.
Vinyl played a remix of the many times she had said you.
“And who kicks ass in Classical Music?”, Octavia asked, showing off one of her many trophies.
Vinyl, shaped like a “U”, pointed at Octavia. “You.”
“And who saved your FLANK when you took the Tardis for a joyride and ended up in G2?”, Octavia asked with a sassy look.
Vinyl looked back at her flank, that said “Property of Octavia Melody.” “You.”
“Exactly. So say it with me, beloved: There isn’t a creature large or small that can take on Octavia Melody.”
“Ok.”, Vinyl said, trying to delay the inevitable.
“Say it.”, Octavia reminded in a sing songy voice.
“Isn’t! Proper grammar, darling!”
“There ISN’T a creature large or small who can take on Octavia Melody. BUT…”, Vinyl started immediately but Octavia shushed her.
As the two mares approached the deep recesses of the forest, they could finally sense that the monster was near: An eerie glow could be seen in the horizon, and half eaten parts of objects strew all over the place.
“Strange. Changelings tend to feed on love.”, Octavia noted.
“Probably a plot hole the author doesn’t care enough about to fix.”, Vinyl sounded.
Octavia suddenly looked down at the ground and a-haed.
“A ha! A sign of the changeling!”, Octavia said, and she picked up a little sign that said “Changeling”.
“It’s close. I can feel it.”, Octavia said with a hunger for victory, and she trotted down towards a cave, Vinyl still close by.
“Octavia, please, reconsider this!”, Vinyl begged, but it was no use.
Octavia reared her legs to gallop into the cave and cockily smirked back at Vinyl. “I’m going in, and I’m not coming back until we have Changeling A La Mode!”, and with that, Octavia rushed in.
Vinyl hid behind a rock and shivered, her eyes having travelled up and seen the truth, as Octavia fought the “changeling” with all her strength.
“I’m winning!”, Octavia cried from inside the cave, but Vinyl gulped, knowing better.
“Tavi, that’s not…”
“I’ve almost got it!”
“Tavi, that’s not…”
“I’m about to kick its flank!”
Finally, after quite a lot of senseless violence, Octavia came out riding the “changeling”, who looked an awful lot like a black tongue.
“I DID IT, VINYL! I beat the monster, and look! I even found my cello!”, Octavia pointed at her stringless but luckily still ok cello.
“…Tavi that’s not the changeling.”, Vinyl finally choked out, shaking like a maraca.
“I beg your pardon?”, Octavia said, a little insulted.
“That’s not the changeling: That’s it’s tongue.”, Vinyl said, and she pointed up towards the “cave”, that now was clearly a big, scary and pink changeling with his mouth open.
“…Ohhh…”, Octavia finally said. “That’s the tongue and the monster is the whole thing…”
She took a moment.
“RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!”, Octavia screamed, and she and Vinyl dashed for their lives, the changeling hot on their tales.
The galloped and galloped and galloped, Octavia looking back in fright each time, Vinyl looking worried about her wife.
“So, what’s the plan, Tavi?”, Vinyl asked, eyes hopeful.
“Run faster!”, Octavia shouted out, narrowly dodging a tree the changeling threw at them.
“I could have thought of that, brah.”, Vinyl commented, before realizing something and narrowing her eyes. “Hey, wait a minute: I was right!”
“Later, Vinyl!”, Octavia yelled, shrieking when the ground shook even harder from the changeling’s speed.
“No, wait a minute: Scared and defensless little Vinyl who’s always the “fool” was RIGHT!”, Vinyl said, pent up frustration from not being taken seriously for years rising up. Her words were like coal in the fire, and Octavia would struggle to ignore the pain in her wife’s voice much longer.
“Vinyl… Can’t we talk about this another time, please?!”, Octavia tried to stall it, but Vinyl wouldn’t let her.
“If we’re truly in love then you have to be honest with me!”, Vinyl shouted out, and the sadness in her voice was as clear as day, as the changeling roared. “Of all people, you’re the only one who has taken me seriously. You have to prove that wasn’t nothing!”
Octavia finally broke. “ALL RIGHT, I WAS WRONG, YOU WERE RIGHT, AND I’M SORRY I DEMEANED YOU, I JUST… I JUST GET VERY PROTECTIVE OF YOU!”
She then looked at Vinyl with utmost urgency. “And I always take you seriously. ALWAYS. I may not always get you, but have no doubt that I respect the mare I am proud to call my wife.”
Vinyl smiled a toothy grin. “Thank you for the reassurance.”
Suddenly, Vinyl remembered what was going on.
They kept galloping and galloping, but the changeling’s mouth drew closer and closer.
“I don’t think we’re making it out of this one alive! Vinyl, I will miss you, love!”, Octavia cried, tears streaking down.
That last word made Vinyl realize something though.
“Hold on… I’VE GOT A ROCKIN’ IDEA!”, Vinyl said, and she took out the middle finger statute.
“Good idea!”, Octavia said. “Break it apart, and we can write down our names so people can make tombstones for us! Should we have you down as DJ PON-3 or Vinyl Scratch?”
“No, wait, I have a better idea!”, Vinyl said, and she stuffed the statute in her mouth. “Run off to the side and let me get chased by the changeling!”, she barely spat out.
“Vinyl, I am a lady, but WHAT THE FUCK?! I’m not gonna let you DIE!”, Octavia shouted out in her highest pitch, absolutely refusing this notion.
“Tavi, I have a plan, don’t worry!”, Vinyl said, and Octavia kept hesitating.
Vinyl looked her dead in the eye. “Trust me.”
Octavia couldn’t let her down again. Not again.
“…I love you.”
Vinyl winked as Octavia leapt to the side, the changeling utterly ignoring her and continuing to chase Vinyl, who neared a hill’s edge.
Turning around, she made the statute dance around in her hooves. “You like it, dude? You like it?”
The changeling barked in joy and nodded its head.
“THEN GO FETCH!”, Vinyl shouted, and the changeling leapt after the statute she threw off the hill, crashing down onto the ground below.
Octavia ran up to Vinyl and scooped her up, kissing her over and over again. “I AM SO GRATEFUL YOU ARE SAFE!”
“Woah, if I get this for nearly dying, I better do it again!”
Octavia nudged her for that, but smiled fondly. “But… How did you know it would work?”
“Simple: It didn’t make sense for the changeling to just destroy objects, and the fact that your cello was still ok sold it! The changeling was grabbing stuff recklessly, but preserving it as well as it could! In other words, it didn’t want us: It wanted my statute. So I used myself as bate, since you love me!”
“And I do!”, Octavia said again, kissing Vinyl on the cheek.
“Aww, you really do?”, Vinyl asked, and Octavia raised an eyebrow.
“You literally nearly died on that fact, why are you asking?”
“True that.”, Vinyl replied, and the two mares rested their heads on each other as they walked.
“I think someone has earned a muffin treat when we get back to town!”
“It’s a date.”, Vinyl said, happy that Octavia had learned to trust her a little more.
“PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!”, Lyra finished shouting as the ponies finally heaved their last ho.
They all danced and cheered as Ponyville lay still all the way at the other end of the everfree forest.
The big scary and pink changeling then crashed down on it.