Eve couldn’t talk to Villanelle. She just couldn’t. If she did, she’d definitely say something she’d regret. It would be something like “of course I wanted to kiss you” or “we can’t be around each anymore”. Either way, it’d be something she couldn’t take back.
Eve was scared. Terrified, actually. She wanted to just give in, give in to Villanelle. To the temptation, the desire, the need. But, she’d never had any conflict like this before. She didn’t know how to deal with it.
She was smart, and not to brag, but she was able to excel during medical school and her training.
She was good at her job. Not even good, great . It was her life’s passion. It was her first priority, always. That’s just the way Eve was. She wouldn’t change that for anyone. There wouldn’t be any conflict.
And then there was Niko, no conflicts. Well, no conflicts at first .
They met through mutual friends and started a great relationship. After a while though, as Eve’s career progressed, they fought. More and more. Mostly, about Eve’s career. How she would choose to work over him. Which wasn’t entirely false, but she was saving lives after all. But, Niko was selfish. He wanted her all to himself.
She finally realized that she could never continue in her career and be married to Niko. So, they got a divorce. No more conflict. Dealt with.
Now, here she was, thinking about Villanelle. About what would happen if she acted on the feelings she had. About how there would most definitely be conflict. Villanelle was a registrar 20-years younger than her who was just starting her career. Eve was her supervisor. The person who was supposed to be teaching her.
Eve felt she would get in the way of that. Not only would she not do that to herself, but she couldn’t do that to Villanelle. It would only hurt her. She had so much of her life to go, so much left to do, so many places to go. Eve didn’t want to hold her back.
As much as Eve wanted her, wanted to see where things could go, she knew that, deep down, being together would only hurt them both. It was just too complicated.
So, Eve had said she would talk to Villanelle later, but did she even want to? Did she want to put into words that it was so hard to be around the woman because of how much she wanted her?
She started thinking in her head about how she would phrase it.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” God no. What a cliché.
“I just can’t do this anymore.” Do what? They weren’t dating. This wasn’t a breakup. How was this harder than a breakup? They were just friends. But why did it feel like a breakup?
Maybe, Eve thought, she wouldn’t say anything. It would just go away. She wouldn’t have to talk to Villanelle about what almost happened and maybe they could just be friends. Villanelle would move on. She was young, she could be with whoever she wanted.
Yes, it would be hard if Villanelle started seeing someone. But maybe, that’s just how it had to be. They couldn’t be together and Eve couldn’t hold on to Villanelle. She couldn’t even hold on to the idea of her. It wasn’t fair to her.
Eve carried on the surgery in silence. Villanelle was seething.
She couldn’t stand the quiet. They were both focusing on James but both she and Eve knew what they were doing. They could talk here, right? There were just a couple of staff and an anesthesiologist. They wouldn’t care. They probably wouldn’t even listen.
“Eve… I think we should talk.” Villanelle tried, as Eve started to close up James’s leg. The surgery was almost done. How did all that time go by?
“Dr. Astankova, not now. We’re almost done with this surgery. Could you just focus please?” Eve snapped. Yes, it was mean, but, in her defense, she was in the middle of surgery.
‘Dr. Astankova?’ Was Eve serious? Now, Villanelle was furious. At everything.
At her parents, for making her feel like shit all the time and making her leave Russia because they didn’t care about what happened to her.
At Anna, for fucking her over when she thought she was in love. For making her feel safe and accepted, but then throwing it all away.
And now at Eve, who wouldn’t even look at her. They hadn’t done anything wrong. They hadn’t even kissed for God’s sake. Almost, yes. But they hadn’t! So why was Eve being like this?
Everyone left her. No one stayed.
Villanelle felt rejected… again. Despite knowing Eve for such a short time, this one hurt more than the others.
She knew Eve wanted her. Genuinely. Not just for sex. For more. For her. Her parents hadn’t even wanted her. And as soon as things got difficult, Anna didn’t want her.
Eve would ask her questions about her past but knew when to stop. Eve knew about Oksana but continued to call her villanelle because she knew Villanelle didn’t want to be called Oksana. Eve made her feel accepted and loved, something Villanelle thought she had felt before, but now, she knows that with Anna, that wasn’t acceptance. With Eve, though, that was acceptance. Finally, she had found it. But Eve still wouldn’t look at her.
Eve wanted her. Wanted to be around her. Wanted to be with her.
But, she knew the reason Eve was avoiding her. She was a consultant and Villanelle was a registrar. Villanelle didn’t think this was a problem. After all, Anna was a consultant. That went terribly but that was because Anna was married, not because she was Villanelle’s supervisor. Well, maybe it was a mix of both.
There couldn’t be a rule against it. It would cause a stir in HR, but it wasn’t prohibited . Also, they wouldn’t have to tell anyone. So, what did it matter? It was their personal lives, it wouldn’t affect how they did their jobs.
Villanelle didn’t care about the age difference either. As cheesy as it sounds, she felt they understood each other. Their age wasn’t important at all.
So, yes, she was angry at Eve. Not because of her reasonings, because Villanelle could see that, while she didn’t like them, they were somewhat fair reasons.
She was mad at Eve for not trying. Not even letting herself see where things could go. What she and Villanelle could become.
Villanelle could see it. She could feel it. Whenever she was around Eve, she felt like herself . She wanted Eve to let herself feel the same because Villanelle knew that she would. But, Eve, as everyone else had before, was shutting her out.
Eve was able to close James up, with Villanelle’s help. He would be just fine. He wouldn’t be able to walk for a while and would definitely need physical therapy, but eventually, he would be okay.
Villanelle still couldn’t believe Eve wasn’t saying anything . She wasn’t saying anything . Not a word. Just taking off her gown, like usual. Washing her hands, like usual. She took out her hair tie, like usual. They even got to the elevator, without saying anything.
Villanelle was furious. Beyond furious. What was a word that meant angrier than furious? Infuriated? Enraged? You get the point.
They went down the two floors, to the Lounge and the on-call rooms. To be fair, there had been other staff in the elevator, so, Eve couldn’t really have spoken there.
As they stepped off the elevator, Eve still said nothing. Did nothing. She didn’t even look at Villanelle.
If she did, Eve really didn’t know what she was going to do.
Eve started to walk down the hall towards the Lounge when Villanelle stopped behind her, fed up.
“Eve, come on. Why won’t you just talk to me? You can’t keep avoiding it. You can’t keep avoiding me!” Villanelle said, lifting her arms up and throwing them down. She was so tired of this.
Eve turned around. And then, she did look at her. Those hazel eyes. Were those… tears?
Maybe Villanelle’s eyes were a little watery. But, but did not cry. She had never cried in front of anyone before. Not even Anna. She couldn’t show weakness like that. That wasn’t how she was raised. That perspective was ingrained in her during childhood and had, unfortunately, stuck with her.
Eve sighed. She knew what she should do and she knew what she wanted to do.
They were very very different things.
Eve quickly walked up to Villanelle and grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her down the hall. They passed the Lounge’s door, and to Villanelle’s surprise, Eve pulled her into the first on-call room.
Eve pulled her in and locked the door behind her. Villanelle was now between her and the door, very confused.
“Eve, please, why are you avoiding talking to me? I just want to--” Villanelle started.
“Shut up please, just shut up.” Eve interrupted.
And then Eve did what she wanted to do.
She kissed her.
Obviously, it was something that both of them had been thinking about for a while. For Villanelle, it was when she first saw Eve in the elevator Monday morning. For Eve, it was the same.
If asked, however, Eve would say it was when they watched Camp Rock together and Villanelle told her about Oksana. She couldn’t say that the first moment she saw the woman was when she knew she wanted to kiss her. Despite that being completely and utterly true.
What neither of them expected, however, was Eve to be the one who initiated it. Last time it was Villanelle, though a kiss wasn’t actually achieved. Still, Eve hadn’t pictured pulling Villanelle by the collar of her scrubs and kissing her. She’d thought about kissing her, of course, she’d just imagined the roles reversed.
Yet, here she was. Kissing Villanelle as if she’s kissed her a hundred times before. It’s delicate but messy. And her lips are so soft.
Villanelle was surprised and aroused at Eve’s confidence. It wasn’t how she pictured it either, but she wouldn’t change it at all.
She kisses Eve back as if it was the last time, even though she would make sure it wouldn’t be. It was lips, tongues, teeth. Everything. As if all the emotions they’d been feeling spilled out in this one kiss.
“We probably shouldn’t.” Eve pulled her mouth away, panting heavily.
One hand was holding the door next to Villanelle as if the locked door would open. The other was on Villanelle’s abdomen, pushing her against the door, making sure the door would definitely not open. She may have been feeling Villanelle’s abs but it was mostly because of the door.
Both of Villanelle’s hands were buried in Eve’s hair. She really liked her hair, so what?
“Yeah, probably not.” Villanelle whispered, her eyes not moving from Eve’s lips.
Villanelle went for another kiss and Eve gave in, easily. It was hard not to.
Her hands went up Villanelle’s sides and toward her back, now pulling her closer to her . She was kissing her back with more tongue, and Villanelle’s hands were wandering from Eve’s hair downwards to the outer swell of her breast. It was when she squeezed, she heard Eve moan into her mouth. She was going to make sure she would hear that again.
“Mmm, really we should stop.” Eve finally said, stepping back from Villanelle. If she stayed that close, she knew this would never stop.
“Yeah. Ok.” Villanelle bit her lip and gave a slight nod, leaning back on the wooden door. Why the hell did she agree? She was really enjoying that.
There were two twin beds on opposite sides of the room, filling up the small space, making it so as many surgeons could fit when they were on-call. Carolyn loved saving a bit of money.
Eve sat on the edge of the closest small twin bed, put her head in her hands, sighing loudly.
“I think about you all the time.” She finally said, looking up at Villanelle, who was still leaning against the door.
Villanelle was shocked at the honesty of the confession, but she just smiled.
“I think about you too.” Villanelle basically whispered, slowly walking towards Eve.
“What are we going to do now? We can’t just stay behind closed doors all the time.” Eve weakly gestured toward the door.
As Villanelle approached Eve, she pulled her legs over and straddled Eve, cupping the woman’s face with her hands.
“I know... it’s … complicated.” Villanelle murmured, softly stroking Eve’s cheek with her thumb.
Eve closed her eyes and sighed at the contact. It felt so… natural. Why did it feel so right?
“We don’t have to tell anyone. It’s private. Obviously, in a perfect world, I’d tell everyone how much I want you to be mine. But..” Villanelle trailed off, still stroking and staring at Eve’s flawless face.
It hurt enough that she couldn’t tell everyone how much she liked Eve.
“You want me?” Eve finally opened her eyes, making eye contact with those hazel eyes that she was sure would be the death of her.
“Of course, silly. I’ve wanted you since I first saw you in that elevator.”
Eve grinned. That stupid elevator. Thank God for that stupid elevator.
“I want you... I want to be with you... I want to kiss you..” She started trailing open-mouthed kisses on Eve’s neck.
“Me too.” Eve announced, smiling. Villanelle looked back up at her, also smiling.
“So what are you waiting for?” Eve teased.
Villanelle just rolled her eyes and leaned in to kiss her.
Even though she asked for it, Villanelle’s lips still took her by surprise. She’s 99% sure she died and went to heaven. The blonde’s lips are just so soft. Like clouds. Not that Eve’s ever touched a cloud, but this is how soft she imagined them.
Then.. they hear voices.
Elena’s and.. maybe Kenny’s?
“Where the hell are they?” Elena barked. It must’ve been loud because both Villanelle and Eve heard her perfectly.
Shit. How long had they been in there?
“Interrupted by Elena, again? Just our luck.” Villanelle murmured, her lips hovering just away from Eve’s. Eve could only smirk at that comment.
“I don’t know. Maybe they’re asleep? It’s late, well actually it’s early.” It was Kenny outside too.
Villanelle stepped off Eve, much to her dismay, and Eve pulled out her phone.
It was 1:30 AM. How was she still wide awake?
Then, there was banging on the door.
“Eve!!! Villanelle! I know you’re in there!! Open up.” Elena yelled, hitting the door repeatedly.
Villanelle and Eve just looked at each other and giggled. It was a little funny that Elena had interrupted them twice.
Villanelle then walked to the door and opened it, finding Elena with Kenny standing behind her.
“Hey guys, what...what time is it?” Villanelle rubbed her eyes and fake-yawned, resting on the door frame, pretending she had just been woken up by the door-banging.
Eve rolled her eyes. If surgery didn’t work out, maybe she should go into acting.
“I told you they were asleep.” Kenny whispered to Elena.
“They were not asleep.” Elena gritted through her teeth, turning her head to him and then back at Villanelle and then to Eve.
Of course, Elena could sense it, so now it was Eve’s turn to act.
“We just crashed after James’s surgery. I think we’ll stay here tonight, I know I won’t make it to the train.” Eve walked up behind Villanelle and smiled at Elena.
Villanelle bit her lip to contain her smirk. Sure, she was tired, but she wasn’t that tired.
Elena looked between Villanelle and Eve for a moment. She knew, but she also knew Eve wouldn’t want her to say anything.
“If you say so. I just thought I’d find you before I left. ‘Night guys.” Elena winked at Eve and walked away, and Kenny gave a slight wave before following her down the hall.
Villanelle closed the door and started laughing.
“Well, obviously she knows. Kenny, though, oh my god, he’s clueless.” Villanelle smiled.
“Wouldn’t they make the perfect couple?” Eve asked, heading back to the bed and laying down on her back.
“Wait, they’re not dating? I thought they were together this whole time.” Villanelle said, climbing next to Eve and laying down on her side, facing her.
Because it was a twin bed, they were very close together. But, at this point, personal space wasn’t an issue.
Eve just laughed and turned her body to face Villanelle. She took her hand and ran it down the side of Villanelle’s cheek.
Villanelle could get used to this. She was so happy with Eve that she completely forgot about Anna. Why was she still wearing that stupid necklace? Facing Eve on a crappy twin bed in an on-call room was the first time she was seriously thinking about taking it off. For good.
Eve wasn’t even fazed when Villanelle climbed in the bed next to her. She wasn’t even thinking about the consequences of kissing her. She wanted to do it, so she did. And she really liked it. Why would she regret something she enjoyed?
“I think we’d make the perfect couple.” Villanelle whispered, instantly wishing she hadn’t said that. What a dumb thing to say.
This, however, Eve was fazed by. Sure, they had established they liked each other, but, they hadn’t talked about the future.
What would happen after tonight? Would they be dating? Girlfriends? It made her really nervous. She didn’t want to fuck up. She didn’t want to ruin this. Whatever this was.
So, Eve just put her lips on Villanelle’s. Whatever Villanelle was going to say next was immediately forgotten when she felt Eve’s lips on her own.
This feeling would never get old.
They hadn’t fallen asleep this way but Eve woke to find them cuddled next to each other. Eve was facing the wall with Villanelle’s arms wrapped around her waist.
She felt happy. Content. She felt as if nothing was missing from her life. She’d never felt this way before. Not even with Niko.
She remembered what Villanelle said though, about them being a couple. She could imagine it, obviously. She wanted it to happen. But, she couldn’t help but consider what other people would think. She tried to tell herself she didn’t care, but she did.
Eve wasn’t ashamed of Villanelle. Not at all. If anything, she imagined Villanelle would be the one that is embarrassed to be with her.
She thought about the other consultants, what they would think of her dating a registrar half her age. What would the other registrars think? Would they treat Villanelle differently? Eve knew Elena, Kenny, and Hugo wouldn’t, but they weren’t the only surgical registrars at the hospital.
What about Niko? What would he think?
Eve hated the fact she still thought of him. Even after she knew he was with Gemma now, an English teacher at his school. He was leading a new life, moving on. Why couldn’t she? Well maybe because the person she wanted to move on with was the complete antithesis of Niko. The complete antithesis of her ex-husband who she was with for over a decade.
But, maybe, Villanelle was right. They could keep it a secret for now. No one had to know. It may be hard since they would see each other often, but it could work. Villanelle seemed up to the idea, right?
Not exactly. Villanelle wanted them to walk hand-in-hand into the hospital, kiss goodbye before they went about their day, meet up in the cafeteria for lunch. Normal stuff. The stuff she didn’t have with Anna.
But she knew Eve was scared. She understood, she didn’t like it, but she understood. She could keep it a secret. For now. Not forever.
She didn’t want to be someone’s secret, again.
The scary thing though was that both of them were thinking about the future. That this, whatever it was or whatever it could be, would last. They could both feel it. It was long-term. Not a fling, not a one-night stand, not a friends-with-benefits.
It was the real deal.
But, when thinking about this, too many questions popped into their brains. How long could they keep it a secret from everyone? (Everyone minus Elena). How long would it be until one of them couldn’t take it anymore?
Eve had no idea how long Villanelle would be able to do it. She obviously wanted to tell people, to show Eve off. Which Eve did think was very sweet. The fact that Villanelle liked her so much she wanted to rub it in other people’s faces. Still, Eve knew they couldn’t. Not yet.
Villanelle didn’t know how long she’d last either. But, if this was what Eve wanted, she would do it. If it was the only way she could have Eve, she’d do it.
It would be difficult to not tell people she was getting with the hottest consultant in the hospital, but she’d try her best. For Eve.
She just didn’t want this to be a repeat of Anna. The secrecy, the locked doors, the betrayal. She knew she wouldn’t survive it again.
Eve was obviously deep in her thoughts because she didn’t even notice Villanelle waking up behind her.
“Morning.” Villanelle whispered into Eve’s neck.
“Hi.” Eve finally responded, turning her body towards the blonde.
“What time is it? It feels late.”
Eve pulled her arm over Villanelle to reach for her phone, looking at the time.
“It’s just after 7. Since we’re technically not on-call, do you want to go get breakfast?” Eve said, laying back down.
“Yes, I know you just want coffee but I am very hungry.” Before Eve could even comment, Villanelle captured her lips with her own.
Yeah. They knew this feeling wasn’t going to get old.