Work Header

Gremlin Twitter Boyfriend

Chapter Text


cover art by Opalsong

Streaming Audio


MP3 05:33:27 229.3 MB


《无羁》吉他指弹《陈情令》主题曲 The Untamed | Fingerstyle Guitar by UKEPRO 快乐乌克屋


cross posted at Dreamwidth

Chapter Text

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

want to skip that long, insulting conversation about how youre still single? About how your parents really want more grand children? well , look no further!

23:01 - 11/01/2020

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree, and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like a demonic flute. i can play anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if i shave. I’m a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you’d like to have me as your strictly platonic date for the holiday, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, i’m game.

23:01 - 11/01/2020

DM between lan wangji @hanguangjun & wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

lwj:   hello, are you still accepting offers? - 23:04

wwx:   ,,, for the dating shitpost?

lwj:   oh

       alright, nevermind

       i’ll go to craigslist


wwx:   what dude no come back, don’t go to craigslist, you’ll get murderers

lwj:   its urgent, i’ll risk it

wwx:   i’ll do it

lwj:   ah. thank you

wwx:   how shitty is your family that you’re willing to turn to murderers on the interweb?

lwj:   my brother is the best person i know.

wwx:   and people who aren’t your brother?

lwj:   menaces to society. 

wwx:   hahahahha

lwj:   are you sure? i’ll pay you for your time, of course

wwx:   nah dude its fine i said my payment would be free food and tormenting people

lwj:   no, trust me. you will deserve compensation after understanding what you’re about to go through. 

wwx:   oh shit

lwj:   you can back out, i can go somewhere else

wwx:   i like a challenge >:)

wwx @suibian

what have i gotten myself into? *skull emoji*

wwx @suibian

he is an innocent lamb,, frolicking on the horrendous internet,, i must protect

*bunny emoji* @bichen

uncle qiren i’m so sorry but i’ve really had it with this meng yao

Text from lan wangji

wwx:   okay, i just got home

lwj:   its 6 in the morning.

wwx:   yeah? why are YOU awake?

lwj:   it’s when i wake up daily

wwx:   disgusting

       6 am should only be met from the night before

lwj:   right. you should sleep, we can discuss this further tomorrow

wwx:   but i want to know about ur disaster family

lwj:   oh, you will. you’ll need your senses with you.

wwx:   urgh fine see ya on the other side!

*bunny emoji* @bichen

do i ease him into the crazy or just. lay it out and risk doing this weekend alone?

*bunny emoji* @bichen

if he backs out, i still have huaisang but. he’s too scared of dage to do any real damage.

Text from lan xichen

lxc:   mingjue

       i’m worried about wangji

nmj:   When aren’t you

lxc:   you know how many gatherings we have during this time

nmj:   wangji is perfectly polite

lxc:   you know that’s not enough

       i told him about the gathering at the jin estate this weekend and he got a manic look in his eye

nmj:   that’s valid

       can’t fault him for having a functioning fight or flight instinct

lxc:   you’re coming right?

nmj:   it’s not like i can’t

lxc:   i’m glad! make sure huaisang comes too! at least wangji will have someone.

nmj:   like i can stop huaisang from attending

       can we dip out after dinner, i cannot stand jin guangshan’s speeches, i really can’t

lxc:   meng yao placed us near the head of the table, it would be rude :(

nmj:   of course he did.

lxc:   he means well

nmj:   uh huh

group chat titled: yunmeng hero trio

wwx:   so

       i have a dilemma

jyl:   :o

jc:    if it’s deciding on toast with or without butter, i don’t care

wwx:   no it’s not that


jc:    :|

wwx:   jk, we don’t have butter

       so i may have agreed to fake date someone

jyl:   someone actually took you up on your tweet?

wwx:   yeah! i highkey feel bad for the guy

jyl:   yeah but you don’t know him so. be careful.

wwx:   psht he looks harmless

       tweets about saving endangered animals and obscure musicians

jc:    sounds like a serial killer

wwx:   fun >:)

jyl:   don’t get killed!

wwx:   no promises but i’ll try!

       now, im gonna get the deets

jc:    yo dumbass at least tell us his name

wwx:   lan wangji

jc:    no fucking way

wwx:   you know him?

        is it this guy

       or am i being catfished

jc:    no that’s looks like him

       content wise

jyl:   lan wangji? *pretty face kaomoji*

wwx:   interesting,, i’ll get the deets and let you know *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

wwx @suibian

this is the worst time to have the memory of a goldfish

wwx @suibian

the name sounds familiar now that jiang cheng brings it up,,

wwx @suibian

oh well i’ll just ask him *shrug kaomoji*

Text from lan wangji

wwx:   so

       lan wangji

       how does a handsome young man like you resort to things like this?

lwj:   i’m part of the bourgeoisie, there must be something wrong with me.

wwx:   yes, i googled you.

       you’re old money


       oldé monëy

lwj:   yes

       you googled me?

wwx:   ofc

       i don’t fake date just anyone you know

       also i had to make sure i wasn’t being catfished

       sowwy        *upsidedown goggle-eyed sad face kaomoji*

       okay so! disaster family!

lwj:   right

       they’re not all family but most of our families are connected so they’re unavoidable

       there’s a gathering this weekend at the jin estate

       are you free?

wwx:   what time?

lwj:   the jin estate gathering is 3 days

wwx:   what the fuck

       dude i have a job

lwj:   i’ll drop you to and from work

wwx:   ,, so you’re really desperate huh

       what do these three days entail?

lwj:   hell

       to put it mildly

wwx:   oh my favourite place

       well if you’re okay with arriving unfashionably late on the first day

lwj:   that would be lovely

wwx:   tell me the drama please

       i’ll perform better if i’m emotionally invested

lwj:   i don’t want to speak about other people.

       but i suppose i can tell you my reasoning

       one of the jins is trying to court my brother and i. dont like it.

wwx:   oh worm same

       sorry, carry on

lwj:   my brother has this reasoning that he won’t commit to a serious relationship until i am, for some reason, in a “stable and happy relationship”

       i’d initially tried to talk him out of it but seeing jin guangyaos intentions, i’ve played along

       i’d forgotten that jin guangyao has every matchmaker in our circle in his pocket.

       i’m constantly being set up.


       sorry *sobbing emoji* just imagining you showing up with my dumbass

lwj:   :)

wwx:   i don’t know what this guy did to make you so petty

       but i’m here for it

       so what do you need me to do

lwj:   what your post says

wwx:   start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion?

lwj:   yes

wwx:   pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on?

       i won’t actually drink

lwj:   you can drink. i don’t

       but yes

       perhaps spill some colored drinks.

wwx:   lan wang JI

       openly hit on other female guests while you act like you don’t notice?

lwj:   no, it wouldn’t be believable

       apparently i get easily jealous

wwx:   propose to you in front of everyone?

lwj:   after the fifth date

wwx:   hehe >:)

       dude i’m mad excited now

       actually you might know my adoptive family

       the jiangs? they’ll be there too

lwj:   i do. i know.

wwx:   hey lan wangji

       have we met before?

lwj:   briefly

wwx:   and you didn’t tell me :O

lwj:   i didn’t realize your memory was so poor

wwx:   it is :(

       im half amnesiac,, my skin is paper , my bone is glass D:

lwj:   the residence is wheelchair accessible, if you require it

       oh some people are off limits

       my brother, my uncle, my students and my son

wwx:   you have a son???

lwj:   adoptive, please save your questions

wwx:   ah

       okay! im great with kids! he’ll love me!

lwj:   mhm

       one more thing

wwx:   yeah?

lwj:   call me lan zhan

wwx:   right, of course! lan zhan!

       do you want to meet before the weekend to test run?

lwj:   i would but i don’t have time

       i’ll come by earlier on saturday

wwx:   okay :}

wwx @suibian

lan zhan,, lan zhan lan zhan lan zhan,, whomst???

wwx @suibian

it’s okay, i’ll figure it out eventually. for now, worry about madam yu realizing i’m there

Text from shije *heart eyes kaomoji*

wwx:   i know jiang cheng won’t tell me

       who is lan zhan?

jyl:   you don’t remember?

       i’m not surprised. it was a very long time ago!

wwx:   you know how my memory is!

       plus, i think i might have met him at one of those events uncle jiang took us to and those bored the hell out of me

       i must have zoned out

jyl:   hmm i remember

       maybe its better to leave somethings in the past

       did you speak to him? how did he seem?

wwx:   yeah, you’re right!


       its amusing

jyl:   he has reason to be, i suppose

       those matchmaking aunties have been hounding him

wwx:   i must rescue him

jyl:   he’s taking it with surprising grace so far

       he had a far shorter fuse when he was younger

       it makes sense he was simmering and came up with this

       best of luck, xianxian *heart eyes kaomoji*

wwx:   that’s all xianxian needs *carefree, blushing kaomoji*

wwx @suibian

was lan zhan that kid i drank alcohol with when i was 11?

wwx @suibian

no, that was huaisang,,,, we immediately regretted wanting to be like the big boys

Text from lan wangji

lwj:   brother, i’ll be coming late tomorrow

       could you take sizhui with you?

lcx:   yes, of course

       how come?

lwj:   i have to pick up my date.

lcx:   your date?

lwj:   yes

lcx:   who is it?

lwj:   wei wuxian.

lan xichen @zewujun

[photo of a cat peeking around something. it looks very apprehensive]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

guys, what do i talk about at my boyfriend’s dinner with his family :)

POLL: A) ABO, B) competitive fortnight, C) climate change, D) marxism

lan xichen @zewujun

[photo of a very tired white cat giving the stink eye]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

Poll results:

ABO - 37.9%

competitive fortnite - 15.8%

climate change - 17%

marxism - 29.3%

Text from wen ning

wn:    psst

       wei ying

       someone’s staring at you

wwx:   hm?

       we’re at a diner and it’s lunch hour? i’m sure lots of people are staring at me

       i’m on my break, i am Not dealing with customers rn

wn:    ah okay

       he’s Staring staring though?

       the one in the white shirt?

wwx:   ah


wwx @suibian (now a locked account)

so no one was going to tell me the photos dont do him justice? i was just supposed to find out on my own? while i determinedly look like a gremlin?

group chat titled: Burial Mounds

wn:    he’s tall

       ordered smth, which is nice

wwx:   ????

wq:    does he look stabby?

wn:    not so far!
wq:    looks can be deceiving

       keep an eye on him

wwx:   this is an invasion of privacy

xxc:   just making sure you’re not going to be slaughtered in a mansion as entertainment for the rich!

wwx:   while your concern is valid

       my siblings are going to be there and they won’t let me get slaughtered

       lan zhan also said he’s not going to let me get slaughtered

wq:    hm sounds like something someone who would let u get slaughtered would say

xxc:   don’t die this weekend! we need u for rent

wwx:   oh thats lovely thanks


Instagram Post by yanli

location: Jin Estate

[A picture of jiang yanli looking posh in a grey coat, black and blingy hat, and triangular diamond earrings.]

comment: *blushy emojji*

Instagram Post by wanyin

location: Jin Estate

[A picture of j iang cheng  looking posh in a white suit and white turtleneck]

comment: *peace sign emoji*

Instagram Post by yilinglaozu

[A mirror selfie of wei wuxian crouching in ripped jeans, sneakers, and a green plaid scruffy jacket over a white tshirt]

comment: let’s get this bread


jc:    is that. what you’re wearing to the gathering?

wwx:   yeah :D u look very nice *kissy face emoji* see u in 2 hours!

nhs:   @yilinglaozu you’re coming ???

wwx:   *devil smiley x4*

Text from lan wangji

lcx:         hello! are you on your way? people are asking for you~

lwj (wwx):   we’re on our way *cheering kaomoji*

lcx:         ah. wei wuxian, i assume

lwj (wwx):   lan zhan’s driving!

  you rich people really don’t like living near us common folk, huh

  we’re another hour and a half away

lcx:         alright. i’ll see you when you arrive *pleased emoji*

lwj (wwx):   see you soon *cheeky scheming kaomoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

can’t wait to explain ABO to a bunch of cishet boomers

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

good thing i got disowned, none of my fresh, prime bullshit will reflect on the jiangs *nervous emoji*

wwx @suibian

theres smth very sexy about lan zhan approving my speaking topics,, intellectually sexy

wwx @suibian


huaisang @secondnie

jin estate gathering 2020 - thread

huaisang @secondnie

this is the same as last year, i’m so bored

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang


song lan @songlan


huaisang @secondnie

@luoqingyang @songlan heard smn say the youths aren’t interested in networking ;( we’re such failures :(

song lan @songlan

oh no :( how will I go on

huaisang @secondnie

jin estate gather 2020 - thread

huaisang @secondnie

this is the same as last year, i’m so bored

huaisang @secondnie

wait a minute ,,, lan wangji is here.

huaisang @secondnie


Text from lan wangji

lxc:   wangji, are you sure your friend doesn’t want a change of clothes?

       i’m worried how he’ll feel being so out of place :(

lwj:   brother, don’t worry, it’s on purpose

       he doesn’t care

lxc:   ah

       well the offer stands!

lwj:   thank you

       where’s sizhui?

lxc:   he’s playing with jingyi and zizhen! don’t worry

lwj:   *pleased emoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

hehe :}

[a picture of a very smug looking cat]

group chat titled: *mischievous kaomoji*

nhs:   LAN



       i thought we were at least friends after i let you hide in the library when qinghe threw a party

lwj:   we are

nhs:   i didn’t expect you to confirm it

sl:    who’s your friend

mm:    come sit with us!

lwj:   we have to greet the elders first

sl:    is popcorn too much to ask at this god awful event

       did he just ask master wang if they got hit hard during the panema papers

mm:    oh my god

       wangji, please bring him over

nhs:   wangji won’t check his phone rn, its Rude

       i was going to offer song lan’s spare outfit but you know

       i’m enjoying the scandalized looks

sl:    my spare ??

nhs:   mine won’t fit *halo emoji*

Text from meng yao

jgy:   ah xichenge, dinner is about to start! what did you go?

lxc:   i just stepped out for a moment

       i’ll be back in shortly

       thank you

jgy:   ge, about your brother

       i didn’t realize he was dating

lxc:   you know how wangji is

       he holds things very close to his chest

       since he’s comfortable bringing this person to an event, we should make sure he doesn’t feel unwelcome, no?

jgy:   yes, of course

wwx @suibian

oh shit

wwx @suibian

i was not. made aware we would be so close to the main table

wwx @suibian

its fine, i got this

wwx @suibian

mianmian also told me i got this *triple heart smiley emoji*

Text from lan zhan

wwx:   psst

       lan zhan

lwj:   no phones on the table during mealtime

wwx:   my dear lan zhan

       are you telling me to follow a rule?

lwj:   oh


       still, i have to follow the rules

       what are you doing

wwx:   putting food on your plate

       at boyfriends do :}

       anyway listen

       you can’t let madam yu kill me

lwj:   trust me

wwx:   i do

       but *devil smiley emoji*

lwj:   it’s okay


huaisang @secondnie

why does wei wuxian talk like he’s giving everyone a lesson

huaisang @secondnie

on ABO

huaisang @secondnie


jiang cheng @wanyin

god, remember the good old day of yesterday when i thought omega was just a number

huaisang @secondnie

i for one am avidly interested

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

its a greek alphabet

jiang cheng @wanyin

it has a value of 800, shut the fuck up

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

wei wuxian didn’t let anyone eat until he prayed for the meat and told it, not quietly, that he knows we should eat the rich instead and he’s working to take down the capitalistic system

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

should i ask him his thoughts on welfare

jiang cheng @wanyin

please please anything to stop this

huaisang @secondnie

wei wuxian and song lan are debating democratic socialism and the extreme wealth tax

huaisang @secondnie

song lan; imagine the carbon footprint of everyone in this room
wei wuxian, looking straight at wen rouhan: they’re killing the planet and mother nature isn’t going to let them off.

jiang cheng @wanyin


Quote Retweet

Trisha Paytas @trishapaytas


jiang cheng @wanyin

it’s literally impossible that he’s that drunk

group chat titled: yunmeng hero trio

jc:    are you actually wasted

wwx:   lol no

       not even buzzed


wwx:   oops

jc:    WHY

wwx:   idk lan zhan doesnt like him and i trust lan zhan

jc:    “lan zhan”s a weirdo

       poor lianfangzun

wwx:   oh no :( he’ll have to wear another outfit worth a months rent :(

Text from da ge~

nmj:   huaisang

nhs:   i’m just sitting here minding my own business

nmj:   *raised eyebrow emoji*

nhs:   okay mine and your business

       i heard some shady things about the jin’s business practices *eyes emoji*

nmj:   later

       do you know wangji’s date?

nhs:   wei wuxian? yeah, kind of.

nmj:   what exactly does he think he’s doing

nhs:   from my observation? being the bane of jin guangyao’s existence

nmj:   hm

       he’s a nuisance

nhs:   yes

       to jin guangyao

nmj:   xichen’s stressed about it

nhs:   then you should comfort him :}

       give him a shoulder to lean on! yours is like twice the size of a normal persons! extra comfort!
nmj:   huaisang

nhs:   i’m gathering intel, ttyl *distressed emoji*

wwx @suibian


wwx @suibian

he hold my hand ????????

wwx @suibian


wwx @suibian

yes jin guangyao heard, lan zhan is So Sexy

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

when the class war happens and i’ll have to kill song lan :(

song lan @songlan

i’m sorry, i was born into wealth,,

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

some crimes can’t be forgiven *sobbing emoji*

song lan @songlan

i understand *sigh emoji*

group chat titled: yunmeng hero trio

jyl:   a-xian, did you leave? :(

wwx:   no, i’m in the garden with lan zhan’s friends

jyl:   when are you going to leave?

       i want to meet you before you do!

wwx:   lan zhan says we’re leaving soon!

       no, shije, i don’t think thats a good idea :( especially after everything i did inside haha

jyl:   *fountain of tears kaomoji*

jc:    so we’ll pretend we don’t know each other all weekend?


wwx:   listen

       i’m going to be an absolute raging mess this weekend

       lets meet for brunch on monday *excited kaomoji * on me!

jyl:   if you’re sure

wwx:   i am *heart eyes kaomoji*

       oh lan zhan says we’re leaving

jyl:   arriving late and leaving early?

wwx:   did the maximum amount of damage, though >:)

wwx @suibian

oh my god

wwx @suibian

of course lan wanji would raise the most polite preteen

wwx @suibian

owo widdle babbyy hes so cute

wwx @suibian

oh wow lan zhans a pushover *sobbing emoji* the kid asked if he could come along and if we could get mcdonlds on the way and lan zhan agreed

wwx @suibian

i’m home ,, this was fun but lan zhan was right, i should sleep, i have an early shift tomorrow

wwx @suibian

time to dream up what new shit to do tomorrow evening

*bunny emoji* @bichen  (now a locked account)

[a picture of an utterly smug and satisfied and slightly evil looking bunny from Zootopia]


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

“why do you need the day off tomorrow?”

well, u see;

[picture of three kittens looking utterly innocent, captioned “i’m just a babie”]

xxc @xingchen


wwx @suibian

“you’re lucky i even hired someone like you” xingchen is right, its time for the working class to rise .

wwx @suibian

on the bright side, im in the right mood for this evening

Text from lan zhan

lwj:   i’ll be there in 15

wwx:   okay cool

       i burnt myself, i’ll take care of that and meet you outside

wwx @suibian

well. that was unnecessary

wwx @suibian

i just accidentally spilled some hot oil on myself, i was just gonna put sum toothpaste on it….

wwx @suibian

i never though i’d hear the words “i want to speak to your manager” in such a way from lan zhan of all people

group chat titled: burial mounds

wn:    i think i like this lan wangji

wn:    oh?

wwx:   he yelled at the manager bc of the lack of a proper first aid kit

xxc:   i hate to say it but he right

wn:    “yelled”

wwx:   he might as well have

       now the manager is gonna take it out on me next shift *skull and crossbones emoji*

wn:    he won’t!

       besides, lan wangji is right. it is a violation!

wwx:   whatever

       no talk me

       im angy

wn:    ok

xxc:   ask lwj to compensate you in case you lose your job

wwx:   i will >:(

wwx @suibian

fine, less angy

[picture of a tub of chocolate icecream on a lap covered in skinny jeans, wwx’s hand is holding a spoon and he has eaten several bites already]

wwx @suibian

he asked what i had planned for today and i said prison reform and he smiled ok folks we’re okay now

wwx @suibian

i cannot believe im so soft for someone who could buy my life

Text from jin guangyao

jgy:         hello! hope you’re well *pleased emoji* are you bringing your friend today? so i know to keep an extra seat

lwj (wwx):   1) lan zhan is driving

             2) i’m his boyfriend

             3) its hanguangjun to you

jgy:         okay! apologies *smiley face emoji*

             oh master wei

             while i have you

             i wanted to confirm if it’s okay if i place you next to the jiangs

             i know you’re close

wwx @suibian

oh u wanna play it like this? today? okay.

Text from jin guangyao

lwj (wwx):   oh? i’m confused, i was told you had eidetic memory? or do you not have enough reach to get news that i was disowned?

             whatever the case may be, it’s alright with me!

             as long as lan zhan’s next to me :)

             we’ll be there soon! thank you for your consideration, lianfanzun! i’ll be sure to thank you in person!

wwx @suibian

lan zhan said we can make a scene and sit elsewhere *triple heart smiley emoji*

wwx @suibian

best fake boyfriend tbh i know he’s only agreeing bc this is what he wanted me to do anyway but *triple heart smiley emoji* *cherry blossom emoji*

huaisang @secondnie

day 2 of the jin estate gathering

huaisang @secondnie

wei wuxian and lan wangji - again, late, this time with starbucks and a tub of icecream

huaisang @secondnie

why is wwx carrying around a tub of ice cream? i don’t know but i burrowed a spoon

huaisang @secondnie

i cant hear what he said but jgy’s face when white

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

@secondnie wangji was asked how the drive was and wwx answered “we talked about how the prison system is modern slavery, what are your thoughts?” and looked at everyone expectantly

song lan @songlan


xxc @xingchen

i’m so proud of him

Quote Retweet

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

@secondnie wangji was asked how the drive was and wwx answered “we talked about how the prison system is modern slavery, what are your thoughts?” and looked at everyone expectantly

wen qing @drwen

@yilinglaozu bring up how richer countries and companies outsource their labour and pay workers dirt for more profit and how its essentially neo slavery

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

song lan already did, can we please spare him during the class revolution

group chat titled: burial mounds

wq:    who is song lan and why are we sparing him

wwx:   he’s a good egg :(

wn:    thought you’d wanna use your One Rich Person pass for lan wangji

wwx:   nah i’d just turn him into a commoner

xxc:   is he cute

wq:    xingchen really

wwx:   yes

xxc:   rich, socially aware AND cute? its a con, hes an inside man

group chat titled: yunmeng hero trio

wwx:   can u ask ur mom to stop glaring at me

jc:    maybe if you get off lan wangji’s lap

wwx:   i’m on his lap for EMOTIONAL SUPPORT bc your mother is GLARING AT ME. shes SCARY.

jyl:   baba and i both talked to her about it but …

wwx:   this isnt even me at my worst

jc:    yeah it isnt

       are you okay

       okay you didnt have to loudly express your interest in witchcraft to prove your point

*bunny emoji* @bichen

meng yao tried to change the topic from wei ying’s speech about ghouls and nie mingjue jumped in and continued the conversation loudly,,,perhaps an ally

Text from wen ning

wwx:   [picture of some extremely ornate sets of stairs. Sets doesn’t really do it justice, there are stairs going in at least four different directions to at least five different places.  There is a large chandelier hanging above it all]

       good lord

wn:    are you lost

wwx:   no i’m exploring

       lan zhan was with his son and i didn’t want to intrude

wn:    how’s day 2 going

wwx:   ive successfully pissed of meng yao

       which i know was the plan

       but there’s smth abt that man that just rubs me the wrong way

       i’m probably biased bc lan zhan doesnt like him

wn:    why doesnt he like him though?

wwx:   he said something about him wanting to court his brother but i think its more than that

       oh well

       zewujun is officially too concerned over his brother to think about his love life

wn:    well done!

wwx:   hahahah

       i do feel accomplished


       wen ning!!! there’s a POOL here !

wn:    jump in

wwx:   ha ha

       i don’t have spare clothes

       also i’ll bet the jin’s would love to get me out of these clothes

       and i will not give them the satisfaction

       wait theres a kid here wtf

       that’s dangerous

wn:    :o

wwx @suibian

rich parents, i swear to god! you can’t just let your demon spawn run around doing whatever! what if they drown?!

Text from  lan zhan

wwx:   i have obtained one of your family’s spawns

       says his name is lan jingyi

       what do i do with him

lwj:   what did he do

wwx:   nothing he’s just chilling by the pool

lwj:   which pool

wwx:   of course this place has multiple pools

       jingyi says its the eastern first floor one

       wish i still had that tub of ice cream

lwj:   i’ll come to you

wwx @suibian

nooooooo lan zhan got me my tub of ice cream nooooooo im so sad

wwx @suibian

i know it’s not the job to be out here away from everyone with two kids n lan zhan but ,,, dis is nice

wwx @suibian

you’d think i’d remember someone as pretty as lan zhan

wwx @suibian

its best not to dwell on the past but im curious

DM between huaisang @secondnie &  wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

wwx:   hey

nhs:   wei wuxian!

       left early again today?

wwx:   yeah we have a drive back and i have work in the morning

nhs:   you’ll be missed

wwx:   haha i’m sure

       i wanted to ask you something

nhs:   yes?

wwx:   we knew each other when we were younger right?

nhs:   yes, kind of

wwx:   i remember that

       did we know lan zhan?

nhs:   you don’t remember wangji?

wwx:   no and it’s really weird

nhs:   it is

       well its been years

       he had longer hair

wwx:   that sounds familiar

       i think i have ? distant memories?

nhs:   hm, you would

       you and lan wangji were never really close

       to be fair, wangji at that age wasn’t close to anyone except his brother

wwx:   that makes sense

       that’s all?

nhs:   i don’t know it all

wwx:   hm

       thanks buddy!

nhs:   *puppy dog eyes emoji* buddy *puppy dog eyes emoji*

wwx @suibian

idk the fuck went on back then but i’m glad lan zhan and i are close now *triple heart smiley x5*

wwx @suibian

well,, “close”, good enuf!!!!


wwx @suibian


[picture of a lock screen, the background is a cat cuddled in a grey blanket, there is a notification of a text from ‘diner manager’ the text reads: leave for sunday approved]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

what a bring wonderful day outside! is this what getting enough sleep feels like? :o

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i am energized and ready for a new day of chaos!

xxc @xingchen

how does one make b r e a k f a s t spicy? and not warn their innocent roommates?

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

sorry bro but u shudda seen the red chili flakes *embarrassed emoji*

group chat titled: yunmeng hero trio

wwx:   hello wonderful siblings

       how are you today

jc:    mom is fuming

wwx:   oh no

jyl:   its okay *comforting uwu kaomoji*

wwx:   i’m sorry u guys

       but also

       i’m not associated to u anymore so idk what she’s getting all in a huff about

jc:    apparently she’s getting comments about how she didn’t raise you right

wwx:   no offense but she didn’t raise me at all?

       she deigned to allow me under her roof

jyl:   don’t worry about it!

jc:    yeah i shouldn’t have brought it up

       its not smth u shud worry about anymore

wwx:   #DisownmentPerks

jyl:   don’t forget about brunch tomorrow

       i’ve waited long enough *fountain of tears kaomoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

made a new friend

[picture of a small white and grey cat by a pot of pink flowers. the cat is sticking its tongue out]

wen qing @drwen


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

he rly came running down for the cat *sobbing emoji*

[A picture of xxc halfway down a set of stairs, leaning over a railing looking at something off camera and smiling]

song lan @songlan

gentle gasp

Text from lan zhan

wwx:   lan zhan ~

       i got the morning off today

lwj:   that’s good

wwx:   we can go earlier!

lwj:   we don’t have to, you should rest

wwx:   yess but my shift starts at 11 for the bar so ~

       its the last day! we should wreck as much havoc as possible

lwj:   hm yes

wwx:   i’m at home!

       [location sent]

lwj:   see you soon

Instagram Post by yilinglaozu

[picture of yilinglaozu in a black hooded jacket and black pants with pinstripes.  He is sitting crosslegged on a couch]

comment: ready for the day!

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

gorls ,,, gurlz, wow

[picture of yanli looking gorgeous, standing in front of a wall of flowers.]

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

you’re so talented!

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

nah ur just rly pretty

group chat titled: *mischievous kaomoji*

mm:    haha jiang yanli, dont have a crush on jin zixuan, ur too sexy haha

nhs:   oh sweetie

mm:    she’s so pretty i’m so sad

       lan zhan, ask your boyfriend is his sister into girls



lwj:   mhm

       he says not that he knows of but there’s no harm in trying

nhs:   there you go, mianmian!

       blessing from the brother

mm:    dont call me that

sl:    you let wei ying call you that

mm:    thats bc he wont call me anything else and the pun was funny

       hey how come if he’s your boyfriend, he was hitting on me, lan zhan?

lwj:   i don’t know

       he says sorry, its his default setting

sl:    even in a committed relationship *eyebrow raise emoji*

lwj:   “old habits die hard haha”

nhs:   how come ur texting and driving

       he rly is a bad influence on you

       *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

lwj:   i’m not driving

       he is

       said he wanted to know what its like driving a fancy car

mm:    what if he wrecks it

lwj:   i have insurance

nhs:   lan zhan no

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i just think for profit higher education is a scam and only works to keep gatekeep academia

jiang cheng @wanyin

yes but did you have to say this to someone who asked lan wangji if you really dropped out

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

yes and they’ll here more :)

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu


[A picture of a child’s hand grabbing the index finger of an adult’s hand]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

@hanguangjun im stealing him

group chat titled: burial mounds

wq:    our home is not suitable for a child

wwx:   but i’ve already hidden him inside my jacket

       he says he’ll be good

wn:    *puppy dog eyes emoji x3*

wq:    you can’t steal a child

wwx:   :(

wwx @suibian

i didnt do much today, i feel kinda bad

wwx @suibian

i mean i suppose sitting on the ground with a preteen zipped into my jacket is already enough to make four people trip but . im aiming higher

huaisang @secondnie


huaisang @secondnie

why is wei wuxian talking to my brother

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

he’s a great conversationalist!

DM between huaisang @secondnie &  wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

nhs:   please let me in on what you’re doing before my brother k words you

wwx:   huaisang!

       first of all!

       your brother has too much of a strong moral compass to murder me just for being annoying

       i’d have to practice like idk necromancy at least


       it’s rude for me to text during  conversation!

nhs:   since when have you cared about proprietary

wwx:   excuse me! ur brother and i are having a very interesting conversation about the pros and cons of globalization

nhs:   yes. you’re very loud. we can all hear.

wwx:   hehe

       okay fine

       its my last day and you’re an good cookie

       i’ll let u in on the deets later

       for now

       do u think u can get zewujun here?

nhs:   i’ll hold you to that

       and yes

song lan @songlan

yall ever see everyone freeze in real time? its scary

wen qing @drwen

what did wei ying do

song lan @songlan

huaisang brought over zewujun and wei ying tried to move to give him a seat but he bumped into him accidentally and nie mingjue had to make sure zewujun didnt topple over

wen qing @drwen

last i checked, wwx got over his death wish at 22

Text from  lan zhan

lwj:   i thought i said my brother was off limits

wwx:   shh trust me lan zhan

       you’ll thank me for this!

       *kissy face emoji*

wwx @suibian

ah meng yaos face ,, revenge is sweet, that’s for doing a background check on me and using it against me :)

wwx @suibian

idk what lan zhan has against u but i, for one, am petty and will Remember This

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

leaving the jin estate, had a great weekend, thanks @lianfangzun

jin guangyao @lianfangzun

you’re welcome *smiley face emoji*

wwx @suibian

*smiley face emoji* right back at ya, buddy

[meme of the tiny girl smirking at the camera as a house burns down in the background]


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

another day of greeting sunrise from the night before

[picture of wei wuxian looking bleary eyes and overtired]

[picture of the sun rising over a cityscape, taken from behind a fence]

wwx @suibian

haha i bet lan zhan just woke up

wwx @suibian

perhaps its the sleep deprivation but i’m kinda sad im probably never gonna see him again now that the gig is done :( he was fun 2 be around

wwx @suibian

oh well good night i have to wake up in 7 hours

Text from xichen ge

lxc:   hello! are you awake? have you had breakfast?

lwj:   good morning


lxc:   dropped a-yuan off to school?

lwj:   yes

lxc:   great!


       i didn’t know you were dating someone

       least of all wei wuxian

lwj:   mhm

       it was a bit sudden

       we reconnected online and since i didn’t have much time to go on dates, i thought it would be best if he came to gatherings with me

lxc:   wangji :( why didn’t you tell me earlier?

lwj:   i didn’t want to jinx it

       telling someone would make it real

lxc:   is it real now?

lwj:   yes

lxc:   are you sure about this?

lwj:   yes

lxc:   okay! then i’m happy for you!

lwj:   *triple heart smiley face emoji*

*bunny emoji* @bichen

perhaps i feel a little bad about the deception but its for his own good

*bunny emoji* @bichen

“i’m happy for you” i hope he doesnt think thats actually fooling me *sobbing emoji*

*bunny emoji* @bichen

i’m starting to think wei ying actually doesnt remember me because otherwise he’s a remarkable actor and i just dont think that’s the case

Text from meng yao

jgy:   good morning, xichen ge

lxc:   morning, a-yao

       how’re you? how did clean up last night go? i hope it wasn’t too bad :(

jgy:   it was fine

       it took a while but we got it done!

       did you enjoy the weekend

lxc:   yes, it was very well organized

jgy:   it was nice that your brother brought a date

       you must be happy about that!

       didn’t you always say you wanted to see him in a happy and stable relationship?

       perhaps now you can look to settle down too *pleased emoji*

lxc:   is wangji happy? yes

       would i call master wei stable? no

       god why did it have to be wei wuxian

       i’m sorry a-yao

jgy:   its okay!

       wei wuxian is … certainly interesting

lxc:   he’s a fine person but, between you and me, wangji’s a bit stupid about him

       so now i’m more concerned than ever ! :(

jgy:   oh no :(


[Picture of a locked screen on a phone.  The time is 11:22 on Tuesday January 14.  The picture is of a grey cat cuddling in a grey blanket. There are three notifications:  (4) missed calls from jiang cheng, shijie posting to the yunmeng hero trio group: don’t forget about brunch today, and a text from YCB “¥3000 has been credited to your a/c 007-145-008…]

wwx @suibian

good morning its not pay day yet for either of my jobs, how did i get 3000rmb , im suspicious

wwx @suibian

wait ,,,, wait , No

Text from  lan zhan

wwx:   did you send me money??

lwj:   oh, you’re awake

       good … afternoon?

       and yes

       your pay

wwx:   i told you i didn’t need pay

       i didn’t even give you my bank details

lwj:   and i told you that you deserve it after dealing with these people for three days

       i got it from your sister

wwx:   its okay i was having A Time

       you rly didn’t have to

lwj:   i wanted to

wwx:   okay,, thanks

       btw is it okay i if tell huaisang about it?

       i got his help yesterday

lwj:   sure, if you want

       yes, about last night and my brother

wwx:   i’ll confirm my suspicions with huaisang and get back to you abt that *cheeky scheming kaomoji*

lwj:   alright

wwx:   i have to run to brunch!

       have a nice day lan zhan *kissy face emoji*

Instragram Post by wanyin

[picture of wanyin and yanli at a starbucks table with coffee and snacks.  There is a stick figure drawn on the picture in neon pink with wei wuxian’s face pasted over the head.]

comments: brunch with the siblings *star eyed emoji*


jc:    we havent even started, we’re waiting for you *blank faced emoji*

wwx:   *red heart emoji x7*

DM between huaisang @secondnie & wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

wwx:   so does your brother have a crush on zewujun

nhs:   no

       he’s like in love with him or whatever

       are you going to tell me what you and wangji are up to now?

wwx:   yes >:)

       wdym “or whatever”

nhs:   dage is in denial himself

wwx:   why doesn’t he just ask him out

nhs:   why don’t you ask your best friend since childhood out

wwx:   .. okay valid

       k so lan zhan and i arent actually dating

nhs:   i figured

wwx:   ?!?!!!!??


nhs:   ur pretty good at faking it ngl

       i think it worked on everyone else

       mostly bc no one wanted to look at your for more than they had to

wwx:   hahaha

nhs:   why are you fake dating though?

       i know wangji gets a lot of proposals but this is a little extreme for him

wwx:   oh he’s not doing it for that

       u know lianfangzun?

       apparently he has the hots for zewujun n lan zhan does Not like it

       lianfangzun wouldnt try anything unless hes certain zewujun wouldnt reject him and

       if lan zhan dated a loose canonball :D

nhs:   why doesn’t wangji like lianfangzun *eyes emoji*

wwx:   idk *eyes emoji*

       do u know why *eyes emoji*

nhs:   i know why he wouldnt but idk how wangji would know any of that

wwx:   *eyes emoji x3*

nhs:   maybe not over text

wwx:   shady ass rich ppl :/

       anyway! we should get ur brother and zewujun together

       a) they’re clearly into each other n just need a push

       b) it would annoy jin guangyao

nhs:   sold, lets do it

       my brother can Not find out my involvement

       i like my limbs attached to my body

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i’m going to make love!

song lan @songlan


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i’m saving myself for marriage!

Quote Retweet

wen qing @drwen

bold of you all to assume wei ying is getting laid

wen qing @drwen

ok incel

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu


i am hurt! wounded! torn apart!

Text from lan zhan

wwx:   okay so

       we have to get your brother and nie mingjue together

lwj:   how exactly did you come to this conclusion, wei ying?

wwx:   okay hear me out

       i confirmed w/ huaisang, they’re totally into each other

lwj:   they’re friends


lwj:   best friends

wwx:   also it’ll piss of lianfangzun

       which: u never explained why u dont like him

*bunny emoji* @bichen

why must i have a reason for not liking lianfangzun? we never question if lianfangzun has bad vibes? or if he’s just unpleasant to be around?

Text from lan zhan

lwj:   bad vibes

wwx:   lan zhan!

lwj:   mm?

wwx:   no one tells me anything around here >:(

       well whatever he did a bg check on me

       [picture of a guillotine. it has a cute pink face drawn on it and is captioned “Guwutine has the hunggies for biwwionaires”]

lwj:   i’m not a billionaire

wwx:   that’s so sexy of you

       so mission nielan go?

lwj:   i will need to observe first

wwx:   alright

       how’s sizhui! i miss him!

lwj:   he’s at after school activities right now

wwx:   *heart eyes emoji*


wwx @suibian

its probably bc we spent 3 days together but i kinda miss lan zhan :(

wwx @suibian

maybe i also miss my hand being held but thats My business

*bunny emoji* @bichen

add 2 cart

[picture of an amazon listing for what is titled “FLAdorepet Bunny Rabbit Guinea Pig Dress Summer Small Milk Mini Dog Cat Tutu Skirt Clothes for Teacup Chihuahua Yorkie Small Animal Accessory 8(Bust 10.2 inch) Pink]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

red and black came on shuffle , i wanna start a revolution

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

too bad i’ll serve looks before i serve this country

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

[picture of a white chicken perched on an axe embedded in a snow covered log, captioned “peace was never and option”]

song lan @songlan

i started a riot at school once

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

[scandalized gasp] song zichen :o tell me more *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*


Text from lan xichen

lxc:   *concerned uwu kaomoji*

       wangji, uncle is coming home tomorrow

lwj:   [picture of a cat looking startled with a red scrunchy around its ears]

lxc:   yes, i’m sure he’s heard of what happened at the jin estate

lwj:   [picture of a very unhappy looking cat with a bunny hat tied onto its head. Captioned “fuck”]

lxc:   yes, that seems an appropriate reaction. we have a meeting with him at noon. good luck brother

lwj:   [picture of a cat clinging to and hiding behind a human arm.  the cat looks incredibly worried]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i said “i just think that -” and wen qing cut me off saying “don’t. stop.” ???? stop what?? thinking?

wen qing @drwen

shud be relatively easy for u

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu


wen qing @drwen


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

*wide eyed frowny face*

*bunny emoji* @bichen

absolutely crazy how i’m no longer a child and can make my own decisions

*bunny emoji* @bichen

totally wild how i’m able to raise a child and yet some people can’t comprehend that i’m aware of my actions and their consequences and i still choose to do them

*bunny emoji* @bichen

off the wall bonkers

group chat titled: *mischievous kaomoji*

lwj:   so i had a meeting with uncle today

sl:    i’m so sorry

mm:    how are you *puppy dog eyes emoji*

lwj:   [picture of a roughed up bunny plush, captioned “No longer am I the happiness bunny, now and forever I’m the bunny of misery and despair”]

nhs:   rip

lwj:   did u guys know i’m almost thirty

       isn’t that crazy

sl:    auntie voice: time for marriage

mm:    pretty sure wei wuxian doesn’t believe in the institution of marriage

nhs:   pretty sure wei wuxian doesn’t believe in the institution

sl:    pretty sure wei wuxian doesn’t believe in a lot of thing

lwj:   wei ying has strongly held beliefs, they just don’t always align with the sensibilities of society

mm:    what a good egg

huaisang @secondnie

i’m so glad my brother all bark n no bite

nie mingjue @redblademaster


huaisang @secondnie

u r softie under cronchy exterior,, right @zewujun ?

lan xichen @zewujun

thats certainly one way to put it

lan wangji @hanguangjun

oh mood.

[two pictures of a brown flop-eared bunny in a sleeping cap sleeping on a blue plaid pillow]

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang


[a picture of a brown bunny dressed as Peter Rabbit standing behind a stump with carrots piled on top]

[a picture of a brown bunny dressed as Peter Rabbit standing with the handle of a wheelbarrow]

lan wangji @hanguangjun

*triple heart smiley emoji*

song lan @songlan


[picture of a brown flop-eared bunny sitting at a laptop.  The bunny has a pair of glasses on]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

why are we sending lan zhan cute rabbit pics

song lan @songlan

he got chewed out by his uncle for the jin estate gathering :(

wwx @suibian

hain ???? why did He get chewed out, lan zhan’s never done anything wrong in his life ever ?

wwx @suibian

by his uncle too,,, gawd lan qiren made my life hell for the semester i was in his class in hs

wwx @suibian

perhaps unreasonably offended but no one is allowed to be mean to lan zhan but me !

wwx @suibian

bold of boomers to think they can bully My lan zhan

wen ning @ghostgeneral

i genuinely don’t think wei ying realizes how gay he sounds

Phone Call

wwx:   lan zhan?

lsz:   xian gege!

wwx:   ah, sizhui, what are you doing with your dad’s phone?

lsz:   do you wanna see bunnies?

wwx:   um. yes!

lsz:   [video call] [the screen shows a brown bunny laying on a bedspread patterned with leaves and flowers and brown rabbits.the bunny has its head on a folded pad as a pillow.]

       bunny #1! he’s taking a nap!

wwx:   that’s so cute

lsz:   [the screen switches to show a grey bunny sitting on a grey and seafoam blanket]

       bunny #2! she is very small.

wwx:   sjdjdjsjsks

lsz:   [the screen switches to show lan zhan from a low angle, he is not paying attention]

       bunny #3! hahahahahahaha

wwx:   …………..

       [dial tone. the screen goes grey and a message pops up “Poor Connection. The video will resume automatically when the connection improves.]

wwx @suibian

dropping the phone on your face is a lot more painful than i remember

Text from  lan zhan

lwj:   apologies about sizhui


lwj:   are you okay?


       IM FINE

lwj:   why are you yelling

wwx:   [a picture of a cat in mid meow, it has heart emoji’s edited over its eyes]

       oh oh by the way

       did you get in trouble for the jin estate debacle?

lwj:   hm? no not really.

wwx:   pls ur friends were sending u bunny pics

lwj:   uncle lectured me for a bit but i’m a grown adult so there’s not much he can do

wwx:   ah

       your uncle’s lectures

       [war flashbacks]

lwj:   yes he seemed rather miffed that i chose to date his worst student

wwx:   i was his worst student??? omfg im so touched and honored

       do you think i could get a plaque with that?

lwj:   hm you could

       you remember him?

wwx:   big shudder ,, how could i not? he threw a book at me!

lwj:   to be fair, you were proposing necromancy

wwx:   haha i’d just watched the bloodbending ep of avatar >:)

       i had ideas

lwj:   bad ideas

wwx:   hey!

       maybe necromancy wasnt my brightest idea but u have to admit i made points

lwj:   do you even remember what points you made?

wwx:   .


lwj:   oh? do tell.

wwx:   as if you remember

lwj:   i do

       you had detention with me for a month and you kept trying to prove your point

wwx:   owo

       i don’t remember that

lwj:   you wouldn’t

       it was shortly before you got disowned

wwx:   aaaaah


       that makes sense

       right before i dropped out?

       is that why i dont remember you haha it all makes sense now

       i knew i wouldn’t purposely forget a face as pretty as urs

lwj:   mhm

wwx:   ur disbelief permeates through the phone

       pls don’t tell me ur Humblr or whatever

lwj:   so i told uncle i would have tou over for dinner so you can meet since i’m serious about you

wwx:   WHAT

       oh lan zhan

       he’s going to throw cutlery at me

lwj:   it would be very rude for him to throw anything at his nephew’s partner

wwx:   he doesn’t apprrooooooveeee *puppy dog eyes emoji*

lwj:   yes that’s the point

wwx:   ooh rebellious *star eyes emoji*

       are u going thru teenage rebellion a decade too late?


       lan zhan, is this a quarter life crisis? D:

lwj:   *blank faced emoji*

wwx:   ah alright alright


lwj:   day after tomorrow?

wwx:   okay, let’s do This

lwj:   sizhui will be happy to see you

wwx:   AND I, HIM

       i miss the little bugger :(

       lan zhan can i steal him?

lwj:   no

wwx:   i’ll give you visitation rights!

lwj:   ?

       hes My son

wwx:   fine, joint custody?

lwj:   i’ll consider it

wwx:   hehehehehehe

wwx @suibian

i’m going to see lan zhan soon *eyebrow waggle kaomoji* i’ll make that boomer Pay for being mean to lan zhan

[picture of a mean looking clay penguin]

 *bunny emoji* @bichen

of course he would turn his memory loss into a pick up line

[screen cap of

wwx:   right before i dropped out?

       is that why i dont remember you haha it all makes sense now

       i knew i wouldn’t purposely forget a face as pretty as urs

lwj:   mhm]

*bunny emoji* @bichen

stop flirting with me if you don’t mean it, coward

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

with @luoqingyang at the beach!

[picture of yanli and luoqingyang sitting on a beach with their hands put together to make a heart]

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

haha we look like a couple

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

a couple besties!


*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

[a picture of a pencil drawing of a crying/screaming figure captioned “loud scream of conflicted emotions]

group chat titled: yunmeng hero trio

wwx:   i can Not believe i forgot lan zhan’’s beautiful face

jc:    oh god i feel like i’m back in highschool

       shut up abt lan zhans beautiful face and his form and how smart he is

wwx:   haha i said all that?

       sounds gay when you say it

jc:    .

jyl:   you became closer during your last month or so at cloud recesses!

       it’s probably why u don’t remember him

wwx:   that’s so sad

       i’ve never wanted to remember that time until now *sobbing emoji*

jc:    why don’t you just ask him to fill in the gaps

wwx:   idk *embarrassed emoji* does he even know about everything that happened?

jc:    honestly, i don’t think so

wwx:   he just thinks i have normal bad memory

       idk i don’t really want to talk about it

jyl:   and you don’t have to

       there’s no point in digging up past pains if you’ve already moved past them

       and anyway neither of you are the people you were, what, 10 yrs ago?

       get to know him now as the person he is now!

wwx:   ur right, as always *mischievous uwu  kaomoji*

jyl:   *laughing kaomoji*

wwx:   speaking of cloud reccesses tho


       guess who i’m going to meet for dinner tonight

jc:    headmaster lan?

wwx:   lan qiren!

       wait how did u know

jc:    heard lan wangji got told off for jim estate thing

       but he stuck by his story so everyone still thinks you guys are legit dating

       also apparently lan xichen’s been panicking today, preparing for a dinner

wwx:   you have. a lot of information

jc:    i had a conversation with huaisang, i don’t know why he thinks i care

       don’t tell him i told u, he likes being perceived as a dumb bitch

       which like. isnt entirely off base

wwx:   idk how i should dress

jc:    you’re going as lan wangji’s boyfriend, right? isn’t he paying you to be a disaster?

wwx:   true

       i’ll just ask him

jyl:   you’ll look good in whatever you wear *wide eyed pretty face kaomoji*

       remember that lan qiren is an old man and don’t give him a heartattack!

jc:    lmaooo what i’d give to be a fly on the wall of that dinner

       i bet lqr is going to try and stab you with a fork

wwx:   im offended

       im aiming to get him brandishing a knife at me at the very least!

wen qing @drwen

wwx whining about the clothes he has like be doesnt voluntarily own like , 20 total pieces of clothes in varying shades of black, grey and red

wen qing @drwen

someone tell him that him wearing my scrubs isnt going to fool lan qiren

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i, for one, think that the govern

wen ning @ghostgeneral

oh god they got him before he could finish his sentence *distressed emoji*

Text from lan zhan

wwx:   lan zhan!

       lan zhan, you know

       i really like saying your name

lwj:   thank you?

wwx:   so about tonight

       what’s the plan

lwj:   it’s dinner at our place

       attendance will be my brother, my uncle and sizhui

       i’ll pick you up

wwx:   i can come to you!

       send me the location, i’ll see how i can come

lwj:   it’s not easily accessible by public transport

wwx:   yea but it’s ridiculous for you to leave your house, pick me up and take me back to your house?

       i’ll take a cab!

lwj:   i don’t mind

wwx:   ._.

lwj:   okay, fine

       take A Cab

wwx:   ur still my favorite driver *kissy face emoji*

       how should i dress

lwj:   however you want?

       wen qing is right, the scrubs wont fool uncle

wwx:   do i want to give him a heart attack *contemplative monocle emoji*

lwj:   please don’t

wwx:   okay okay


       what’s cookin , good lookin *drooling emoji*

lwj:   food.

       be here by 6

wwx:   no one’s going to believe this if you don’t flirt back *disappointed emoji*

       its hurting my feelings *disappointed emoji*

lwj:   do you have a map?

wwx:   on my phone? send me ur location ~

lwj:   because i keep getting lost in your eyes

wwx:   ?



       *blushing emoji x3*

lwj:   [location sent]


wwx:   yes sir *blushing emoji*

wwx @suibian

[a picture of a cat laying on a sheet, it is looking at a phone screen, there are tears falling down its cheeks]

wwx @suibian

haha bro keep this up and i might do smth stupid like fall in love with u *two different crying laughing emojis followed by a hand emoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

goin to see my old headmaster, decided on some throwback colors

[picture of wei wuxian in a pale blue collared shirt.]

jiang cheng @wanyin

isn’t that the same thing ur wearing in ur pfp

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

@wanyin i have this revolutionary technology called a washing machine

wwx @suibian

perhaps i am ,,, nérvoüs

wwx @suibian

i mean not that i care about lan qirens opinion but ik that mfer gonna ask me dumb shit tonight

wwx @suibian

i dropped out before he could expel me but i know he Really Wanted To and like . i have nothing to prove him wrong about his proabably elitist thoughts abt dropouts *sobbing emoji*

wwx @suibian

i just feel ,,, icky

Text from mingjue

lxc:   [A cartoon picture of a cute white axolotl.  It looks incredibly worried.]

nmj:   i’m guessing the wei brat is there

lxc:   not yet

       he’ll be here soon

       it’s already frigid in here

       do you think the heatings broken

nmj:   the heating isn’t broken

       it’s your brother introducing his delinquent boyfriend to your uncle

       why are you so nervous

lxc:   because :(

       as much as i think its a bad idea

       wangji really likes the delinquent :(

       and i know tonight is going to be a diaster


nmj:   and?

lxc:   i remember wei wuxian at school

       he’s all jaded now but back then, he was very … vulnerable

       and i think my uncle might bring that vulnerability out again tonight

       and it will upset wangji

nmj:   wei wuxian isn’t a bad kid

       he’s just

       u know

       a weirdo

lxc:   haha yes

       ah i wish meng yao could come

       he has a way with words, i’m sure he could dissipate the tension

nmj:   ah

       why didn’t you invite him?

lxc:   i dont think either my brother or his boyfriend like him very much, to be hony

       though i cant fathom why

nmj:   huh

lxc:   what is it

nmj:   what, nothing

lxc:   nie mingjue

nmj:   i mean

       i just think meng yao failed the vibe check

lxc:   ?!?!??? what does that even MEAN?

nmj:   i’m just saying, if i found out he was planning on killing and dismembering me, i wouldn’t really be surprised

lxc:   WHAT

nmj:   i’m not saying he is

       but you know

lxc:   i don’t know what you’re talking about

nmj:   [a picture of a white and orange cat looking down, held by an older woman mostly out of the shot.  It is captioned “It’s not that he’s evil.  He lacks empathy and he goes into a disassociative state and commits atrocities.]

       this is meng yao

       do you understand now?

lxc:   .

       the bell rang, gtg

nmj:   good luck

nie mingjue @redblademaster

the meme isn’t entirely accurate, he is evil

huaisang @secondnie

*eyes emoji*

nie mingjue @redblademaste

*top hat emoji* *red dot emoji*

huaisang @secondnie

*crying laughing emoji*

wen qing @drwen

i haven’t heard from wei ying’s annoying ass in 2 hours im calling the police

wen ning @ghostgeneral

he’s with lan zhan , i’m sure he’s fine

xxc @xingchen

@hanguangjun give us an update within the half hour or we’re calling t- the c- the cops *sick face emoji* god i cant even say it

wen ning @ghostgeneral

2 hours and 30 minutes,,, im about to start pspspspsing

jiang cheng @wanyin

can’t yall just call him if you’re so worried? *raised eyebrow emoji*

xxc @xingchen

oh. right

Phone Call

wq:    [Calling wei wuxian]

wq:    [call ended]

wen qing @drwen

guys we lost our cat, if you find him or have any information, please contact us, he looks like this, he doesn’t bite, he has a little mole under his lip

[2 pictures of wei wuxian. The first is a selfie, he is in a blue sweater and is smiling at the camera.  The second is of him in a brown jacket, in front of a fence.  He is making a peace sign with his hand]

wen ning @ghostgeneral

if anything happens to him, i will kill everyone in the room and then myself

DM between nie mingjue @redblademaster & huaisang @secondnie

nmj:   huaisang, why are you rting a missing poster for wei wuxian

nhs:   they can’t contact him :(

nmj:   he’s at lan huan’s? for dinner?

nhs:   oh

       that’s weird, then why are they so worried

nmj:   well, it’s with their uncle

nhs:   ah

       u think we can send out an amber alert?

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

yall are so fucking overdramatic *sobbing emoji* i’m alive!

wen qing @drwen

but are you okay

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

define “okay”

Text from mingjue

nmj:   you know wei wuxian’s friends are about to send out a search party

lxc:   i told him, he’s checked in

nmj:   how did it go

lxc:   huh


nmj:   that bad, huh?

lxc:   i think i need a drink

nmj:   NO

lxc:   too late

nmj:   LAN HUAN

lxc:   don’t yell at me i will cry

nmj:   i’m sorry

       i thought we agreed you won’t drink without supervision

lxc:   i know

       but it’s been a very long night


       why cant people just be nice ?? arent they tired of going apeshit?

nmj:   who went apeshit

       xichen, lie down

lxc:   mhm, i did

       the floor is nice


       unlike the cruel world

nmj:   oh god where is everyone else

lxc:   uncle left

       wangji and wei wuxian are somewhere not here

       wangji sent sixhui to his room

       im all alone

nmj:   you have me

lxc:   *three solid rows of every pink heart emoji that exists*

nmj:   okay then

lxc:   you’re so nice to me :(

nmj:   that took you an awfully long time to write

lxc:   i am trying to not type badly

       i hope you appreciate this effort

nmj:   i do

       care to tell me what happened

lxc:   it was disasterous right off the bat

       so bad


       can u come over

nmj:   sure

lxc:   thanks

       im very sad

       i tried to mediate u know

       i rly tried

       but ppl still got hurt :(

nmj:   it’s okay

       you can’t take responsibility for the actions of others

lxc:   u know

       sometimes i think i expect too much from people

       like i give people the benefit of the doubt when i. shouldn’t

       i know my uncle

       i know what he says and does

       and i still thought some gentle chiding would get the job done

nmj:   so all it takes for you to be self aware is a shot?

lxc:   im being INTORSOECTIVE





       are u here yet

       [17 January, 20:44]

       are u here yet

       [17 January, 21:06]

       aree yiu ehear yet !!!

       oh there u are


wwx @suibian

i wish he rly had brandished a knife

wwx @suibian

still. it was fun :D

wwx @suibian

[a screencap of a black cat sitting o n a wicker box with a doggie bag. it is captioned “SOBBING”]

group chat titled: burial mounds

wwx:   omw home

       might take a walk before coming up though

wq:    so what happened

wwx:   [a picture of a black and white cat staring at the camera. it appears to be smiling. but the smile is obviously fake]


       i mean honestly it wasn’t that bad

       it wasn’t anything i wasn’t expecting

       but still? kind of jarring to hear, i guess

       its okay

wq:    i’ll k word the boomer idc

wwx:   hahaha

xxc:   what did he say >:(

wn:    *cutesy yelling kaomoji*

wwx:   we sat down for food

       btw lan zhan made spicy stuff for me *puppy dog eyes emoji*

       haha it was rly cute bc it was obvious he’d never rly cooked with spice before

       *heart eyes kaomoji*

wn:    awww

wq:    enough gushing about your crush

wwx:   lmao not my crush


       it started off horrible n just went downhill

       considering i couldn’t rly answer basic stuff like “what do you do” and “where did you study” satisfactorily

       haha its honestly ridiculous like i went in to annoy him so idk why it like. kind of hurt my feelings or whatever

       i think its the principle of it

       so what if im a felon drop out

xxc:   exactly!! ur great!

wwx:   thanks *sigh emoji*

       anyway like i said it went downhill from there, he kept going on about how i was like a no good hooligan since i was young and how ofc i had ended up badly in life and how dare i think im good enough for his nephew

       and u know me

       incapable of shutting the fuck up

       i told him he’s a morally inflexible geriatric who takes his own inability to be flexible out on others

       we also argued about the education system and how education should be a right and not a privilege

wn:    yikes

wq:    and lan wangji just? let you get yelled at?

wwx:   ok first of all i want to clarify i was yelling back

       secondly he was holding my hand *puppy dog eyes emoji*

       thirdly, he interjected a surprising amount

       mostly when lqr was going for personal jabs but he also just let me rant about stuff

       did i tell u we were holding hands?

wq:     yes you mentioned

xxc:   are you sure you’re okay?

wwx:   not really since i kind of reverted back to the pissy teenager i used to be

       and like haha some of the stuff he said really hit home

       but i will be!

       at least mission accomplished!

       ,,, lan zhan Held My Hand *puppy dog eyes emoji*

       and after lqr left, he made sure i was okay :(

       besides, i get angrier at politians *sobbing emoji* *hand emoji*

       anyway im almost home i’ll see u guys soon

wq:    get home safe *serious look kaomoji*

wwx @suibian

not to get fake deep about it but honestly it was kind of cathartic bc i’ve never rly addressed all that shit surrounding my drop out and it was nice to scream at someone who was involved even tho i got yelled at too

wwx @suibian

it was ? good fo vent all that out while someone was holding my hand

wwx @suibian

did i mentioned it was lan zhan holding my hand

wwx @suibian

who knew lan zhan was so soft under all the soft edges?

wwx @suibian

his eyes are also rly warm and ?? oddly fond i cant believe he tolerates my antics

wwx @suibian

lan zhan is . really neat

Tex from lan zhan

wwx:   hewwo

       i got home safe

lwj:   that’s good

wwx:   thanks for dinner!

lwj:   don’t thank me for that disaster

wwx:   haha it wasn’t that bad, lan zhan!

lwj:   we don’t have to do this again

       i’m sorry

wwx:   i was kinda looking forward to proposing to you on the fifth date but okay :/

lwj:   huh?

wwx:   you said i could propose on the fifth date

       three dates at the jin estate

       fourth tonight

       the next would be our fifth

lwj:   oh


wwx:   it’s fine ~

       i’ll just have to live without holding your hand ever again :(

       i’m heartbroken

lwj:   you’re heartbroken over not holding my hand? *raised eyebrow emoji* not the barrage of insults my uncle threw at you?

wwx:   yes

       im used to that, lan zhan

lwj:   you shouldn’t be

wwx:   well ~

       honestly it sucked but

       life sucks?

       hahaha I don’t know how to explain myself

       i’d rather face your uncle as your partner (whose side u took, thank u for that btw) rather than on my own

       also i rly liked calling him a geriatric old bat

       i told u all this after he left

lwj:   i know

       i just don’t want to make you uncomfortable

wwx:   eh

       i don’t exactly want a repeat of that but

       i guess i just rly like having my hand held

       we should do that more often

lwj:   okay

       we will

wwx:   also lan zhan?

lwj:   hm?

wwx:   i’m sorry

       i don’t remember it well enough but your uncle said i bothered you non stop in school

       i don’t remember seeing you bothered so it must have happened during the last months

       i was a dumb teenager pulling pigtails

lwj:   wei ying

       my uncle was exaggerating

       i know our time together wasn’t memorable for you but trust me, it was fine

       don’t listen to him


        I HAVE BAD MEMORY LAN ZHAN *puppy dog eyes emoji*

lwj:   it’s okay, i didn’t mean i like that

wwx:   we can make new memories now!! i’ll remember them!

lwj:   isn’t that what we’re doing now?

wwx:   *laughing kaomoji*

       goodnight lan zhan

       kiss sizhui goodnight for me too *kissy face emoji*

lwj:   i will

       good night

wwx @suibian


wwx @suibian

please he rly thinks any time spent with him would be unmemorable??? is2g im gonna tell him the next time it comes up

wwx @suibian

tried to remember, still blank :(

*bunny emoji* bichen

hold ,, hand? More??

*bunny emoji* bichen


*bunny emoji* bichen

make new memories,, This Is Fine,, this is my normal heart rate, everything is Fine

group chat titled: *mischievous kaomoji*

nhs:   so care to explain why there was a search party for wei wuxian last night *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

lwj:   not really

nhs:   there almost was!

lwj:   i mean i don’t care to explain

nhs:   *disapproving emoji*


       song lan, lan zhan’s being mean to me !

sl:    ?

        lan zhan, stop being mean to huaisang

lwj:   no

sl:    ok i did my best

nhs:   :(

       i’ll just ask wei ying! he’ll tell me *mischievous kaomoji*

mm:    do you really need to know how well uncle qiren took to the fact that his precious nephew is dating a delinquent?

       don’t you, in your heart of hearts, already know?

       the real question is ; wangji, how are you feeling

lwj:   [picture of a cute cartoon white rabbit dressed in pink winter clothes.  It is holding a pink and gold chef’s knife]

sl:    wangji, put down that knife

lwj:   sigh

       who let me start this ridiculousness

mm:    what ridiculousness *raised eyebrow emoji*

sl:    “let you” bold of u to assume any of us could stop you

mm:    you didn’t even tell us you were dating until you showed up with a boyfriend

lwj:   he’s not actually my boyfriend

       we’re pretending

sl:    that’s literally impossible

       there’s no way you’re such a good actor

mm:    yeah!!
lwj:   well

       i didn’t say i’m not in love

mm:    and so is he so whats with the pretend

lwj:   no he’s not

sl:    yes he is

nhs:   he absolutely is

       maybe not Love but theres smth there

lwj:   he doesn’t even remember me

       trust me

       he doesn’t

mm:    sounds fake but okay

lwj:   im serious

sl:    no

lwj:   [picture of the zootopia bunny with a paper behind him covered in blue scribbles. He is holding a red marker and drawing a line to connect things]

       i have a fake dating plan

sl:    how long had you been waiting to use that picture?

lwj:   6 months

mm:    it fits

lwj:   *triple heart smiley emoji*


mm:    how is project nielan going?

lwj:   oh right

       i forgot wei ying thought that up

nhs:   my brother spent the night at yours *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

lwj:   he slept in the guest room *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

nhs:   god damn it

mm:    damn slow burn friends to lovers 50k

nhs:   you know when we can expedite things?

       the party at our place next month

       are you people not even going to dignify me with a response

mm:    no

sl:    no

lwj:   no


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

must the customer always be right? cant the customer try “shutting up” at some point?

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i just don’t understand why you would insult someone going to cook ur food ,, not that EYE wud do anything but some people might spit in it . not me though

wen qing @drwen

*raised eyebrow emoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

my spit is precious, to be exchanged with a loved one

wen qing @drwen

ok shut up.

Instagram Post by hanguangjun

[picture of a brown bunny in a cage.  A sign is propped up by the cage that says “I was a bad bun. I chewed up the new doors dad made me :( (I’m not sorry)”  There is a pile of splinters buy the sign.]

comment:   he has an announcement to make

Text from song lan

wwx:   i found the thing i wanted at your store! thanks, dude

sl:    no worries!

       do you need me to help set it up?

wwx:   ,, i’m sure it’s outside my price range to get the son of the CEO to set up a shelving unit

sl:    hahaha

       well it is my job

wwx:   really *raised eyebrow emoji*

sl:    nah i haven’t done stuff that small in ages

       but my dad made me do it during my teen yrs so i know how to

       and i dont mind

       i accept food at payment

wwx:   omg *puppy dog eyes emoji* the yea, it would be nice to have some help!

       i’ll brother wen ning a little less and let him nap

       xingchen is useless

       pretty but useless

       wen qing’s too busy *sigh emoji*

sl:    very pretty

wwx:   haaaaa does smn got a crush *eyes emoji*

       i don’t blame you

sl:    speaking of crushes

       you and wangji aren’t actually dating? wtf?

wwx:   oh he told u?


       just helping a bro out

sl:    a bro

wwx:   yup!

sl:    wei ying,,, no

wwx:   no?

       wdym :o

sl:    No

song lan @songlan

[picture of blossom of the powerpuff girls staring at her phone in the dark.  she is frowning]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu


song lan @songlan

*raised eyebrow emoji x6*

Text from song lan

wwx:   stop subtweeting me

       its not that unbelievable

       you rly think smn like Han Guang Jun™ is gonna get with Me

sl:    with the way you two behave? yea

wwx:   that’s just For Da Act

       its not real

sl:    so u were just sitting on his lap As A Bro

wwx:   yeah!

sl:    gazing tenderly into his eyes As A Bro

wwx:   yup

sl:    holding hands through out the evening As Bros

wwx:   uh huh!

       gotta be realistic!

sl:    ah



       i can come by in an hour and a half

wwx:   *cutesy yelling kaomoji*

song lan @songlan

hope being a dumb bitch inst contagious, going to wei ying’s, pray for me *sigh emoji* *praying hands emoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu


wen qing @drwen

wear a mask to be safe

Text from song lan

sl:    wangji?

lwj:   mm?

sl:    [a picture of wei wuxian in a soft grey sweater and glasses.  He is writing something.  The tone is very soft and attractive]

lwj:   i see.

*bunny emoji* bichen

[picture of a white and orange anime hamster laying on its back on a pink carpet.  The hamster is blushing and looks overwhelmed with feelings]

lan wangji @hanguangjun

is song lan aware we’re gym partners

song lan @songlan

you’ve been getting complacent *smug emoji*

lan wangji @hanguangjun

we’ll see about that

wen ning @ghostgeneral

i can’t believe im seeing a rich person out in the wild ,, doing labour

[photo of song lan looking startled to have his picture taken]

song lan @songlan

how many times do i have to say we are building contractors and i’ve been doing labour my entire life

xxc @xingchen

say it more often, it sounds v sexy

wwx @suibian

i think xingchen broke song lan :/ that was a perfectly good builder buddy !

wwx @suibian

STOPP xxc is stealing my friend to talk abt polisci >:( he’s luck song lan can build and poke holes in xxc’s theories at the same time !

wwx @suibian

they kinda cute :///

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

this reminds me of @yilinglaozu and @wanyin when they were babies

[picture of two leopard cubs in the middle of wrestling]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

@wanyin ur the one being pinned down

jiang cheng @wanjin

@yilinglaozu i’ll beat ur ass

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

@wanyin lets go *fists up kaomoji*

Instagram Post by yilinglaozu

[picture of the siblings.  It is a selfie obviously taken by yilinglaozu, yanli is in the mid-ground smiling and making peace signs at the camera, wanyin is in the background with his shirt half covering his face]

comment:   i beat his ass *smug and victorious emoji *


DM between huaisang @secondnie & wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

nhs:   wei ying!

wwx:   hewwo

nhs:   just wanted to let you know qinghe is going to have a party in three weeks

wwx:   lan zhan hasn’t told me yet so i don’t know if i’ll come haha

       also god do you people not work??

nhs:   that’s a rhetorical question but

       this is work

       its networking

wwx:   isn’t that just rich people speak for expensing outing on your company? *raised eyebrow emoji*

nhs:   .


       i’m jotting u down at lan zhan’s plus one bc he hasn’t replied to me yet !

wwx:   okay ~

       i’ll wreck havoc at your place as well

nhs:   we have a fight pit if you rly wanna go nuts!

wwx:   wait you have a what

nhs:   see you there *cheeky scheming kaomoji*

Text from xingchen

wwx:   apparently huaisang’s place in qinghe has a fight pit?

       these fucking rich ppl i tell u!!

xxc:   OwO

       wait i actually know about that

wwx:   ??

xxc:   the nie ancestral home is actually a fortress

       it’s actually partially a historic landmark bc of how well its preserved

       a lot of it is open to the public but since the family still live there, there’s a quardonded off private part that a lot of people havent seen

wwx:   woah

       do you wanna go instead of me haha you seem to know a lot more about it

xxc:   i cant impersonate you for the life of me

       do You get a plus one?

       i’d like to see their private library, they have manifestos from ancient times there !!

       and government documents as well probably omg

wwx:   uh i don’t think i do but i could ask huaisang to get you on the guest list?

xxc:   that wont work *sigh emoji* the qinghe conference is notoriously hard to get into *sigh emoji*

        its alright! tell me all about it  *laughing kaomoji*

wwx:   well

       you could go as song lan’s plus one?

       that guy’s never brought a date

xxc:   i can’t do that

wwx:   why not

xxc:   because

       he’s rich

wwx:   ?? ok elizabeth bennet

       be his plus one, think of it as his tax for being rich ,, sharing his privilege

xxc:   ,,,,

wwx:   come on

       shittalk the rich with me there

xxc:   i cant just pip up and ask him to take me on a date *sobbing emoji*

wwx:   i’ll do it for u

       im doing it , no take backsies

xxc:   wei ying

wwx:   done !

       he said yes


       he’s like the 16th most eligible bachelor or smth

xxc:   how do you even Know that

wwx:   my manager looked up lan zhan after the Finger Burning Incident and apparently went down an online rabbit hole and now shares info with me - we’ve bonded over it **pleased emoji*

xxc:   okay if he’s sure *pleased emoji*

wwx:   he is *pleased emoji* *double heart emoji*

wwx @suibian

oh wait i actually have to inform song lan of this decision

Text from song lan

wwx:   congrats! you have the honor of spending an evening with xiao xingchen

sl:    what

wwx:   xingchen wanted to go to the qinghe party bc he’s a nerd about government in ancient china

       and i told him he could go as your plus one

       you’re welcome

sl:    i

wwx:   i know im gracious and wonderful but hurt my friend n i will Fry u

sl:    ??

wwx:   gotta go back to work , bye~~

wwx @suibian

not 2 brag but im so good at spotting ppl in love

[picture of a cat in sunglasses]

Text from  da ge

nhs:   da ge?

nmj:   yes, huaisang?

nhs:   can we not invite the jins *cutesy yelling kaomoji*

nmj:   weren’t invites sent three weeks ago

nhs:   yes

nmj:   huaisang

       you Did remember to invite them, right

nhs:   unfortunately yes.

       they’re sending zi 2

nmj:   jin zixuan and ?

nhs:   zixun *sobbing emoji*

       da ge *sobbing emoji x3*

nmj:   stop being a baby and tell me what’s wrong

nhs:   zixun is an asshole

       which is like whatever but

       he and wei wuxian have History

       and he didnt get a chance to do anything during the jin estate gathering bc it would look badly on the jins

       i know hes gonna try sum shit

nmj:   i see

nhs:   i dont know what his issue is

       it’s zixuan wwx decked in the face, not him

       anyway hes a slimy bastard and we should get him arrested for tax evasion

nmj:   can you get him arrested for tax evasion in two weeks?

nhs:   ,,, no

nmj:   then?

nhs:   oh nothing, i just wanted to complain *innocent uwu kaomoji*

nmj:   huaisang

nhs:   what *halo emoji*

       don’t worry about it !!

       u focus on making money *pleased emoji*

       i focus on spending it *pleased emoji*

huaisang @secondnie

[picture of a cartoon cat that looks very determined.  Someone has badly photoshopped another picture of hands cocking a gun  onto it]

nie mingjue @redblademaster


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i swear to god if yall dont stop trying to slip smth into girls drinks im gonna k word the lot of you

jiang cheng @wanyin

wasn’t going to jail once enough for you

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

bold of u to assume im going to get caught

jiang cheng @wanyin

bold of u to assume im going to let you get caught

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i just think i should be legally allowed to break smns hand if they dont know how to control them *shrug kaomoji*

lan wangji @hanguangjun

break their will to do it again instead

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

ur honestly so sexy idk how to behave rn

Text from lan zhan

wwx:   lan zhan

       what kind of drunk are you *I want to touch that kaomoji*

lwj:   wei ying

       i don’t drink

wwx:   wait

       you’ve Never drunk?


lwj:   twice

       its not pretty

wwx:   omg *cheeky scheming kaomoji* what do u do ? are you a loud drunk?? clingy drunk?

       horny drunk? *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

lwj:   i black out so i don’t know

wwx:   that’s sad

       we should drink together sometime!

       im curious

lwj:   you don’t understand

       i blank out from a shot

wwx:   oh

        i’ll take care of you *laughing kaomoji*

       if you ever wanna drink that is

       oh btw

       huaisang reached out to me about the qinghe event

       are you going

lwj:   hm?

       oh right.

       that again

wwx:   haha i hear it happens every year

lwj:   it does

       at least the guest list is better

wwx:   he said he already noted me down as your plus one

       so you’re stuck with me *cute and excited kaomoji*

       i mean not literally

       you can ask him to change it haha

lwj:   who else would i change it to

wwx:   i dunno

       ur the second most eligible bachelor around

lwj:   how do you even know that

wwx:   my manager *cutesy yelling kaomoji*

       we bonded over this

       lemme know beforehand if you’re planning on dumping me

       or else i’ll get a leave in advance

lwj:   i will not dump you

wwx:   break things off mutually, however u wanna sugarcoat it

lwj:   no

wwx:   ahahaha ah lan zhan

       when we break this off, i know you’re going to use the “it’s not you, its me” excuse

lwj:   no i won’t

wwx:   good

       bc its always me :D

*bunny emoji* @bichen

… “when”

[picture of a cat’s face reflected in a car’s side mirror.  The tiny writing on the mirror says “Sadness is closer than it appears”]

Text from lan zhan

lwj:   that’s statistically impossible

wwx:   what

lwj:   it cant always be you

       why should it even be you

       there’s no reason for it to be you

wwx:   ,, bc im a drop out felon troublemaker? :P

lwj:   so?

       you say people shouldn’t be judged on those things

       why aren’t you affording yourself the same right?

wwx:   uh

       ah lan zhan its like 6 in the morning

       dont make me go all introspective haha

lwj:   i’m just saying

       you’re more than you perceive yourself as

wwx:   that’s deep


lwj:   goodnight

wwx @suibian

head empty, no thoughts


Text from huaisang

nhs:   jiang cheng

       i see you are retracted your rsvp

       care to explain *smiley emoji*

jc:    i Just did it ??

nhs:   yes and ?

jc:    i can’t make it *rolling eyes emoji*

       emergency came up at work

nhs:   what emergency is more important than the qinghe conference??

jc:    uh ??? the next editorial of our magazine ??? u know. Our Job.

       we had an interview with a really imp senator but apparently he had to cancel and now i gotta help the team figure out a replacement

       kinda pissed bc i had Questions for that rat bastard

nhs:   su she?

jc:    yea *puking emoji*

nhs:   get lan yi as a replacement

jc:    oh sure

       i’ll just get one of the most powerfull woman in politics to do an interview on such short notice

       That’ll Work *dubious emoji*

nhs:   yes

       i can get you about half an hour

jc:    wait what


nhs:   * pleased emoji *

       don’t worry abt that, young grasshopper


       i happen to know she’s looking to publically fight the wen corp lawsuit and #expose sum shit so

       ask her about that

jc:    you can confirm half an hour? with a photographer?

nhs:   yes

jc:    okay

nhs:   thank you for rsvping again, it rly does sooth my soul

       i worked hard on this conference :(

jc:    dude

       how are you the party planner when you literally know so many people and ur so ??? smart ? its creepy

nhs:   my job title for this is Event Coordinator, excuse u

       and its Important Work

jc:    yeah i don’t doubt that

       you could literally be ceo with ur brother tho??

nhs:   oh i dont know anything about ceo-ing tho!

jc:    *raised eyebrow emoji*

nhs:   i’m not leadership material ~

       my brother is great at his job, he doesn’t need me fucking around haha

jc:    you could be great in your own way

nhs:   honestly, i’m not interested

       this may seem like a foreign concept to u but i don’t have anything to prove to anyone :P

jc:    ok u know what i rescind my rsvp

nhs:   nooooooo im kidding im kidding pls come *puppy dog eyes emoji*

jc:    idek why u want me there so bad, you dont even spend time with me half the time :|

nhs:   yes but u are pretty to look at

jc:    .

nhs:   see u there! i feel in my bones that the weekend will be Memorable

jc:    sounds sus when u say it

nhs:   i’ve never done anything wrong in my life ever ?

jc:    *eyeroll emoji*

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

i love flirting with girls

wen qing @drwen

when u compliment their clothes n they immediately tell u where they got it from ,,, girls *double heart emoji*

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

when they tip u extra bc u scared off that creep *triple heart smiley emoji*

wen qing @drwen

. is everything about money to u

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

it is when its my job

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

wen qing just hit me so cute things girls do when i actually flirt: laugh at my jokes even though i know for a fact its not funny. girls r so kind

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

when they lock eyes w/ u n give u a breadface smile *triple heart smiley emoji*

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

girls *triple heart smiley emoji*

Text from xiao xingchen

xxc:   stop pining over girls and help me with this mess you put me in

wwx:   wen qing n i are bonding over our mutual love for girls, can this wait

xxc:   i’m drafting a DM to song lan and i need you to proofread it

       your imaginary girlfriends are great but they can wait

wwx:   imaginary???

       i will have you know i complimented a girl on her dress today and she said “thanks it has pockets!” and i fell in legitimate love ?

       i told wen qing too and shes in love now as well *heart eyes emoji*

xxc:   okay

wwx:   are you in love?

xxc:   with a woman i’ve never met before bc she has a dress with pockets?


       im gay

wwx:   blehhhhh

xxc:   Greetings Song Lan,

       Hope you’ve been well! We met at our apartment when you came to help my roommate Wei WuXIan with his shelves. He informed me you would be willing to have me accompany you as your plus one to the Qinghe Conference.  Thank you so much for this opportunity!

       how is this so far

wwx:   as a professional email? great!

       as a text to your date? what the fuck, xingchen

xxc:   iiiii dont know how to start the conversationnnnn

       “hey we argued abt politics the other day whats up we’re supposed to go to this event together so whats the plan”?

wwx:   that sounds much better than that HR approved mess above

       also u didn’t argue ! it was a lively discussion and u honestly looked like u wanted to jump him sexy stylez

xxc:   wei ying?

wwx:   yea?

xxc:   shut up

song lan @songlan

is wei wuxian rly pretending to be a good flirt when a girl at the jin estate gathering flirted back and he turned into a mess

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

she was .pretty and looked like she cud step on me .

song lan @songlan

ok disaster bi

Instagram Post by yilinglaozu

[picture of a bright green plant sprouting from the ground]

comment:   sizhui is doin a grow!!!

Text from lan zhan

lwj:   you named a plant after sizhui?

wwx:   yes! show him his plant brother!!

       does he like him *concerned uwu kaomoji*

lwj:   he does

       he says that he’ll train the rabbits here to not eat your plants when you move in

wwx:   ahahahah hes so cute i’m dying

       a romantic too!

lwj:   apologies

       i told him we’re only seeing each other but he spends too much time around jingyi and zizhen

wwx:   aaahaaha its fine *cutesy yelling kaomoji*

Text from xiao xingchen

sl:    hello! it’s song lan! i’ve been informed you are going to be my plus one for the qinghe conference *nerd emoji*

xxc:   Yes. Indeed. Hello!

       Thank you for allowing me.

sl:    the honor is all mine *cowboy emoji*

xxc:   How should we coordinate this?

sl:    why are you talking like that

xxc:   Like what?

sl:    That.

xxc:   idk professionalism??

       i mean

       This is how I speak.

sl:    what are you being professional for, i thot we were buddies at least *sobbing emoji*

xxc:   idk i didn’t wanna be rude *embarrassed emoji*

sl:    ur not *embarrassed emoji*

       so about our date !

       wait can i call it a date

       should i call it a Meeting?

xxc:   well i am your plus one so a date is fine

sl:    yeah, so; it’s tomorrow! as i’m sure you know ~

       i’ll come pick you up at 6? are you planning on staying the night?

xxc:   staying the nights? *raised eyebrow emoji*

       i’m scandalized.

       i don’t put out in the first date

sl:    stop flirting with me, i’ll catch the feelings *sigh emoji*

       i just meant that the conference is two days long and the nie family extend their guest rooms to some of us to stay the night and i’m included in that so ~

xxc:   um


       just to clarify, we are confined to our rooms at night?

sl:    ,,,

xxc:   just wondering what would happen if, hypothetically, i was caught wandering and perhaps looking at the fort and sneaking into the library

       hypothetically, ofc

sl:    ofc

       i’m sure it will be fine as long as you have a partner that huaisang trusts

       completely unrelated but huaisang and i are close friends

xxc:   i see

       i think we should soend the night together, song lan

sl:    i agree *handshake emoji*

xxc:   *handshake emoji*

DM between song lan @songlan & wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

sl:    [screencap of text messages. They say “i see. i think we should spend the night together, song lan *handshake emoji*”]

       wei ying, your friend is going to be the death of me



       [picture of a white and orange cartoon hamster.  It looks happy.  The picture is captioned: I can take whatever life throws at me.  Seriously it will be okay.]

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

@xingchen ur not allowed to date, we need u for the rent

xxc @xingchen

?? ur dating

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

ok Srsly date

xxc @xingchen

i can’t believe you, i really cannot.

DM between huaisang @secondnie & wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

nhs:   wei ying, what are you wearing tomorrow

wwx:   clothes?

nhs:   can i implore u to dress well

wwx:   you can

nhs:   are you going to do it

wwx:   no

nhs:   please *puppy dog eyes emoji*

wwx:   no


       but also won’t even if i couldn’t

nhs:   why can’t *frustrated emoji*

wwx:   i own like 1 suit and it doesnt fit me well and i hate it

nhs:   okay you dont have to have a three piece, just, u know. Put Together

wwx:   no im hired to be a gremlin n i take my job very seriously

nhs:   okay dont blame me tomorrow then

wwx:   what do u mean

       huaisang what do u mean im shaking *distressed emoji*

jiang cheng @wanyin

huaisangs gonna get us both killed tomorrow but ride or die ig

[picture of the fairies from the fairly oddparents show.  It is captioned “we’re two halves of a whole idiot”]

huaisang @secondnie

[a screencap of the bunny from zootopia looking smirky and kind of evil]

lan wangji @hanguangjun

don’t steal my brand, i will sue you


Instagram Post by yilinglaozu

[Picture of a hideous primary color blocked button down shirt tucked into a pair of high waisted light wash blue jeans, cinched at the waist by a brown belt. The look is horrifying]

comment:   i think this fit is absolutely inspired @hanguangjun i’m ready darling *kissy face emoji*

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

huaisang’s vibrating at a frequency that could shatter glass

huaisang @secondnie

im fine

group chat titled: get wei wuxian dressed like a human person

nhs:   someone needs to distract wangji

jc:    i’m genuinely curious if you have a death wish, huaisang

jyl:   why *cheeky scheming kaomoji*

nhs:   so we can wrangle wwx into a room and dress him properly for once *cute excitement kaomoji*

jyl:   i’m in *cutesy yelling kaomoji*

nhs:   ur an Angel *gentle laugh kaomoji*

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu


wei wuxian @yilingyaozu


huaisang @secondnie

lan zhan can’t help you now.

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu


xxc @xingchen

i heard screaming,, is the qinghe fort haunted *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu


song lan @songlan

i think. Yea

[2 pictures of xingchen, one in profile and one at a ¾ angle. he is wearing a blue open collared shirt embroidered with birds and has multiple earrings in his left ear.  he is looking very attractive in both.]

xxc @xingchen

*blushy emoji*

song lan @songlan

*blushy emoji x2*

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

[a picture of a cat trapped under a transparent screen, the cat looks extremely distressed and is trying to flail its way out.]

Text from lan zhan

wwx:   so you just? allow me to be abducted?

       i see i hold no value to you

lwj:   your sister won’t let me go and i feel it physically impossible to be rude to her

wwx:   .,, okay fine

       that’s valid

       well i have been undressed

lwj:   ????


wwx:   ur adorable

       i’m less grumpy now

       *kissy face emoji*

       i’ve been redressed

       but !!! i picked the ugliest fit i could find

       which isnt that bad but it’ll have to do

lwj:   show me

wwx:   coming, darling *heart eyes emoji*

group chat titled: get wei wuxian dressed like a human person

mm:    lmao is that supposed to be the suit u picked out?

nhs:   listen

       he is surprisingly hard to wrangle

       he's like a feral cat

        i have scratches

jyl:   oh no *puppy dog eyes emoji*

       are you both okay?

nhs:   physically? yes. emotionally, im a bit scarred

mm:    okay. Baby

jyl:   i think he still looks nice *gentle laugh kaomoji*

mm:    he does *puppy dog eyes emoji*

jyl:   thank u, thats my lil brother *heart eyes kaomoji*

mm:    *heart eyes kaomoji*

       @ you

       not your brother

jyl:   *blushy emoji* *double heart emoji*

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

look at my brother *gentle laugh  kaomoji *

[two pictures of wei wuxian. he is wearing a pink suit jacket with a dark knit vest over a khaki collared shirt underneath it.]

wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

nooo shijie *puppy dog eyes emoji x4*

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

ur sooo cute uwu

*bunny emoji* @bichen

[picture of the rabbit from zootopia as it clutches its ears and yells with emotion]

*bunny emoji* @bichen

im Fine. im fine . this is OK

group chat titled: *mischievous kaomoji*

mm:    jin zixuan is here

       need help keeping him away from my future wife

nhs:   oh keep his cousin away from wei wuxian too

lwj:   hm? why?

nhs:   uh they have Bad History

       i doubt wei ying remembers but jin zixun can hold a Grudge and he does going by how he glares daggers at wwx

lwj:   when? i don’t remember him from school

nhs:   he’s a bit older than zixuan so he wasn’t in school when we were

       but uh remember when wwx was kicked outta school?

       he had a hand in that so

lwj:   ah. isee

sl:    don’t

lwj:   i’m not doing anything

mm:    isupport u lwj

lwj:   i support u too

*bunny emoji* @bichen

[a picture of a white plush bunny in a pink hat.  The bunny is wearing an eyepatch.  A human hand holding a gun has been photoshopped onto one of the bunny’s hands.  The gun is pointed at the viewer.]

wwx @suibian

sum brat came up 2 me and started arguing about labour rights n had the gall to be like “you don’t remember me?” bitch ur not special i don’t remember what i ate for dinner 3 days ago

wwx @suibian

he has a very punchable face but its huaisangs party so im on my Best gremlin behaviour

wwx @suibian

altho,, he DID say there was a fight pit *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

Text from da ge

nhs:   brother

mnj:   hm?

nhs:   could you go hang out with zewujun

mnj:   i’m in the middle of smth, why

nhs:   he’s kind of killing the vibe :/

nmj:   huaisang

nhs:   look i understand he’s worried for lan zhan

       hand wwx is. very sticky tonight

       but zewujuns looking at them like ? he’s to polite to wringe his hands in public but he’s doing it very strongly mentally

nmj:   he is just concerned for his brother

       as i would be

nhs:   thank god i am as single as a pringle !

nmj:   besides he is with meng yao

       i’m sure he’s fine

nhs:   i assure u he is not!!

       dage !!!

       this is your house !

nmj:   ????

nhs:   gawd i rly have to do everything around here

DM between huaisang @secondnie &  wei wuxian @yilingyaozu

nhs:   *cute, puffed up kaomoji*

wwx:   why can’t you just talk to me? with your mouth?

nhs:   can’t let brother onto us


       mission nielan has has 2 be set in motion

wwx:   right now?

       i’m busy

nhs:   clinging to lan wangji like sticky syrup doesnt mean you’re busy

wwx:   excuse me

       it is my job

       i get Paid for it!

       wait do u think lan zhan minds *puppy dog eyes emoji*

       he hasnt said anything abt it but maybe he's too polite

i don’t want to make him uncomfortable

nhs:   fool

wwx:   hey !!

nhs:   didn’t u just say he pays u for this!! u dumb bitch!!

wwx:   WHY R U BEING MEAN 2 ME!!

nhs:   sorry im very small n under a lot of stress *sigh emoji*

wwx:   its okay lil buddy *sigh emoji* i’ll help u get ur brother laid *handshake emoji*

       but srsly do u think i should tone it down?

nhs:   nah ur fine

       i don’t think there’s much lan wangji wouldn’t let you do

wwx:   he’s commited to this act *sigh emoji* but i don’t want it to be at the expense of his own comfort

       im creative, i can wreck havoc in other ways *cheeky scheming kaomoji*

nhs:   sure

       you do that as soon as crowbar manages to pry you two apart

       now here’s what we’re going to do

wwx @suibian

lwj warm ,,, Comfy , but i Must Detach *sigh emoji*

wwx @suibian

hahahah lqr’s vein on his forehead is throbbing i can see it from here ,, Worth it !

Text from xingchen

xxc:   uh dude where did you sneak off

wwx:   super secret mission with nhs

       will tell u later


xxc:   okay but ,, i think you should head back

       wei ying?

       listen that jin zixun guy noticed lwj wasnt with you and he got a rly nasty look on his face n i dont like it

       he’s approaching him ,,

       wei ying

wwx:   i’m coming.

huaisang @secondnie

Hello, guests! Just a reminder, someone calling you a shit stain after you try to force someone to drink isn’t grounds for calling security! Our security team works hard to secure and protect us all as well as value assets in the fort and wasting their time is not tolerated ~

huaisang @secondnie

Someone not remembering you from their school days is also no reason to lose your mind! This is a dignified event, please act accordingly! Have a nice night!

jiang cheng @wanyin

@junzixun *smiling poop emoji*

wwx @suibian

i’m fr about to deck this mf , i don’t care WHO he thinks he is

wwx @suibian

bitch ass egotistical elitist scum i will eat u and the Only reason ur not being punched rn is bc lan zhan’s holding my hand >:(

wwx @suibian

[a black and white picture of a morpeko that looks placidly happy. it is captioned “just yall ficking wait until i finally ficking snap.]

wwx @suibian


group chat titled: *mischievous kaomoji*

mm:    jiang yanli please scold me ive been a bad girl please im so gay p le eas ee


mm:    WHAT



lwj:   it’s certainly admirable of her

mm:    yea so

       sexy *drooling emoji*

sl:    that asshole needed someone to knock him down a peg or two


       haha babe i see u have excess energy from ur anger, i know some ways we can burn it off

nhs:   you’re worse than lwj

lwj:   what did i do ??

nhs:   *lying liar face emoji*

sl:    is wei ying okay? he just walked off

lwj:   i think he needs some space

mm:    hm i agree

       that asshole zixun i’ll k word him

sl:    but then how will you marry yanli?

mm:    *distressed emoji*


       anyway i think *triple heart smiley emoji* yanli *triple heart smiley emoji* put him in his place enough for today

       if he acts up again ,,

lwj:   [a picture of a white cartoon animal in a pink coat. it looks very cute and is smiling.  it is holding a large chef’s knife]

mm:    [a picture of a small cat peeking around a corner, a chef’s knife is edited into its hand]

Text from lan zhan

lwj:   where did you go?

       are you alright?

wwx:   hm?

i’m fine, lan zhan! *cute and excited  kaomoji*

       i just got a bit emotional because of that jerk haha

       i’m a bit of a cry baby, don’t let anyone know *winky face emoji*

lwj:   i wish you wouldn’t

wwx:   huh?

lwj:   pretend to be fine with me

wwx:   ah

       it’s nothing, really

       it sucks that i had to get my sister to defend me

       she shouldn’t be doing that

lwj:   they shouldn’t be picking a fight. she was only doing what was right

wwx:   you think so?

       isn’t that a nuisance?

lwj:   ins’t it your job to be a nuisance?

wwx:   hahahah

       ur right abt that!

       ah shijie got really angry

       over some words

lwj:   they were harsh words

wwx:   maybe! but true

       hay lan zhan?

lwj:   hm?

wwx:   what are we doing here?

lwj:   do you mean like, on the planet, existentially or right here in qinghe fort?

wwx:   humor me with both

lwj:   well, wei ying

       we are here, doing the best we can and doing as much good as possible, striving towards a happy and fulfilling life

       we’re here in qinghe fort to ensure meng yao doesnt have that luxury

wwx @suibian

hahahaha i love him

[screencap of a text conversation:

lwj:   well, wei ying

       we are here, doing the best we can and doing as much good as possible, striving towards a happy and fulfilling life

       we’re here in qinghe fort to ensure meng yao doesnt have that luxury ]

wwx @suibian

wait t. i love him?

wwx @suibian

it Cant be , we’re bros haha

wwx @suibian

i mean ,,, it would be Beyond stupid of me , stupider than usual

wwx @suibian

so unprofessional too

wwx @suibian

fuckfucjfuckcuffuckd fuck ???

[2 pictures of a manga character with black hair and black and red robes freaking out. in the first he looks like he’s had an electric shock and in the second he is clutching his head. he is screaming in both.]

group chat titled: burial mounds

wwx:   am i in love with lan zhan?????

wq:    yes

wn:    yes

xxc:   yes

       also are you still walking around?

       whats the security like? *nerd emoji*

wwx @suibian

oh ,, wei ying What Have You Done

[picture of a small white cat covering its head with its paws]

group chat titled: yunmeng hero trio

wwx:   guys

       im having a breakdown

jc:    where are u

jyl:   are you okay?? i’ll beat that twerps ass, i don’t care anymore !!

wwx:   no no its not about him

       guys ??

       am i in love with lan zhan ???

jc:    .

       im for real going to kill you.

jyl:   oh

       yeah u are *congratulatory smiling kaomoji*

wwx:   shdjdjd !,!??!?!?!!

jyl:   yeah i know *gentle laugh kaomoji*

wwx:   hhdhdhff /$:,!:&:&;;((;$3&:

jyl:   i’m so proud of you *happy uwu face kaomoji*

jc:    how are you just noticing this ?

       it should be a crime that you have a higher IQ.

       A Crime.

wwx:   . *brain explosion emoji*

wwx @suibian

u know what? if i don’t think about it, its not real! like those creepy creatures that live in the deep ocean ! out of sight, out of mind !

wwx @suibian


wwx @suibian

no this is fine

wwx @suibian


[the same screencap of a text conversation as before] [a picture of a gray brown cat looking shocked and lunging away from the camera]

Text from lan zhan

lwj:   we’re here in qinghe fort to ensure meng yao doesnt have that luxury

       wei ying?

wwx:   YES ?!!??

       wait no


       yes ? *pleased emoji*

lwj:   its getting late

              come to bed

wwx:   RIGHT . ON IT

              wait are we sharing a room

lwj:   considering we’re pretending to be together and my brother is in the room across from us?


wwx:   ah


       cool cool cool cool

       cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool

       see u soon .

lwj:   okay…

wwx @suibian

come to be d ,, he said d

[picture of a brown cartoon mouse.  Its heart is comically trying to escape its chest and it looks about to faint.]

*bunny emoji* @bichen

wei ying is back and he is looking at me weird

*bunny emoji* @bichen

he’s probably still off bc of jin zixun ,, :(

xxc @xingchen

@secondnie your library is locked , this is a crime

huaisang @secondnie

it’s nearly midnight??

song lan @songlan

please send the key, he’s practically vibrating

huaisang @secondnie

*raised eyebrow emoji* fine. only cuz its You

nie mingjue @redblademaster

Must we have younger brothers? Was one not enough?

huaisang @secondnie

*grinning emoji*

nie mingjue @redblademaster

i’m onto you

huaisang @secondnie

*blowing kiss emoji*

Text from   mingjue

lxc:   mingjue!!

       i see you tweeting, i know you are awake

nmj:   yes, xichen?

       why aren’t you asleep?

lxc:   listen ,, i heard wei ying go into my brothers room

nmj:   yes? they’re sharing a room

lxc:   oh


       that makes sense

nmj:   is that what’s keeping you up?

lxc:   my baby brothers growing up *puppy dog eyes emoji*

       and making terrible choices

nmj:   u just gotta let them make their mistakes

lxc:   you threatened to dismember huaisang today

nmj:   huaisang’s another case

       he Will face my wrath

lxc:   he just tripped!

       still i’m surprised his small body had enough strength to nearly topple you over

       thank god i was there! *pleased emoji*

nmj:   i was caught off guard

       i’m sorry for that, again

lxc:   no worries

       *flexing arm emoji* i go to the gym for these, its nice to put them in use

       if you ever wish to be carried again *flexing arm emoji*

nmj:   xichen

lxc:   hahah kidding

       do you think i should check on my brother ,,

nmj:   no

lxc:   but maybe he needs smth

nmj:   unless you’re going to be a cool mom and slip in a condom




lxc:   MINGJUE !!!!!

       wangji wud ne


       shut up.

nmj:   *pleased emoji*

wwx @suibian

There’s Only One Bed

wwx @suibian

stotododf why is he already knocked out , does he not understand my DILEMMA

wwx @suibian

the floor? the floor


wwx @suibian

FUCK the floor ! that shit COLD and HARD ! lwj warm n soft , gud night


*chick emoji* luoqingyang

good morning im still tragically single

[picture of song lan  reaching out to boop xing chen s face.  It is very casual and domestic] [picture of a brown cat swaddled in a brown blanket and laying on a couch looking sullen]

lan wangji @hanguangjun

*sigh emoji* *praying hands emoji*

*chick emoji* luoqingyang

@hanguangjun *unimpressed emoji*

jiang cheng @wanyin

why r there lovesick ppl all around me ? what evil did i do in a past life ?

wen ning @ghostgeneral

probs tortured a bunch of ppl for using black magic

jiang cheng @wanyin

@ghostgeneral are. u implying i was uther pendragon???

*bunny emoji* @bichen

having a panic as soon as u wake up is great cardio

*bunny emoji* @bichen

i cannot believe i fell asleep on the bed

*bunny emoji* @bichen

the one bed trope ,, my life is a joke !!

*bunny emoji* @bichen

#unrequited_love #pining #enemies_to_frenemies_to_fake_dating #lan_wangji_is_an_idiot

*bunny emoji* @bichen

les miserables fanfiction didn’t prepare me for this.

Text from huaisang

nhs:   should we get some breakfast sent to your brother?

jc:    don’t bother lol he’s not going to wake up before noon

nhs:   i guess hanguangjun rly tired him out last night


nhs:   speaking of tired brothers

       i think mine is finally done with my shit

jc:    maybe if you didn’t keep pushing him and lan xichen together

       u are not subtle at all

nhs:   im not trying to be *zany face emoji*

       subtly will get them nowhere

       too bad i cant lock them in a room ;( they’d just vibe out and play imsg games

jc:    let them be best friends

nhs:   i wud if i didn’t have to live with the Suffocating sexual tension


nhs:   ur such a prude

       i cant believe quinn thinks you fuck

jc:    ??!?????!!

nhs:   anyway

       da-ge n xichen-ge, forcing them to coadopt a cat, thoughts?

jc:    dogs r better

wwx @suibian

dis bed so comfy , i cud get used to this

wwx @suibian

wait i was on the floor

wwx @suibian

oh good god wei wuxian im so fucking done with your shit

wwx @suibian

u moron ,,,lan zhan had to wake up with my dumbass next to him

[picture of a teary-eyed white cat holding a toothbrush propped up so it looks like it is brushing its teeth.]

wwx @suibian

i hate being self aware this is terrible i wanna go back to being a dumb ass ! head empty !!!!! no thoughts !

wwx @suibian

so many thoughts

wwx @suibian

i’m never leaving this bed

*bunny emoji* @bichen

wei ying nyoooom

*bunny emoji* @bichen

i came into the room to see if he was awake for lunch and he just. ran into the bathroom

*bunny emoji* @bichen

oh wait is he hungover or something?

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

just overheard smn say that its olay to use prisoners of war as slave labor, i am literally astral projecting out of my body , i dont have a response

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

oh god . you absolute baffoon

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

how did this guy win the sperm race .

wen qing @drwen

you didn’t have a response???

Quote retweet:

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

just overheard smn say that its olay to use prisoners of war as slave labor, i am literally astral projecting out of my body , i dont have a response

wen qing @drwen

@xingchen check his temperature

group chat titled: burial mounds

xxc:   doesn’t have a fever

wwx:   i told u!!

       stop being weird

xxc:   YOU’RE being weird

wq:    you don’t have a response???

xxc:   he smiled at jin zixuan

wn:    who are you and what have you done with our friend *running kaomoji*

wwx:   it was an automatic response bc he said smth with sense for once !!

       also im Tired ok !

xxc:   you woke up at noon

wwx:   zzzzz

xxc:   also you’re being weird with lan wangji

wwx:   what

       what do you mean

       weird how

       is it obvious

       has he noticed

xxc:   you’re stiffer? idk you were draped all over him yesterday and now there’s a halal gap between you so

       its weird

       and yeah, he keeps looking at you in concern

wwx:   ah im slacking on the job *sigh emoji*

       should i kick down a flower pot

xxc:   in qinghe fort ? i will personally arrest u myself .

wn:    does this have anything to do with your moment of self awareness last night?

wwx:   YES !!!

       i hate it , thanks!!!

wq:    wouldn’t you rather know than not?

wwx:   not ! i’d rather be a dumb bitch when the alternative is realizing i caught feelings for someone who hired me to be his fake boyfriend !

       its weird of me :|

       well not super weird bc its lan zhan and literally anyone wud fall in love with him but


wn:    that sucks man

wwx:   thanks dude *sigh emoji*

xxc:   i can fight ppl in ur stead

wwx:   ur the best !! *heart eyes emoji*

wwx @suibian

lan jingyi is imprinting on xingchen its actually rly cute

wwx @suibian

even if hes insulting me while doing it *sigh emoji* “he’s like you but not crazy” u know kiddo i cant fault u for that logic considering my behavior

wwx @suibian

xingchen the rolemodel kids deserve

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

*blushy emoji* *triple heart smiley emoji*

[two pictures of mianmian, both quite faded and artsy.  She is wearing a ruffly white collared shirt and a black neck accessory]

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

what does this mean ,,, yanli what does this mean , im shaking

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

*blowing kiss emoji*

group chat titled: yunmeng hero trio

jyl:   [picture of mianmian.  It is quite faded and artsy.  She is wearing a ruffly white collared shirt and a black neck accessory.  She is looking at the camera.  It is the second picture from the tweet above]

       [a picture of a cat peeking out of some sort of plastic container.  It has an anime blush and small yellow hearts edited onto it]



jyl:   *embarrassed emoji*

jc:    thank god

       she’s been flirting with you for like half a year now

jyl:   *embarrassed emoji* *puppy dog eyes emoji* really ??

       i thouht she was just being nice *sigh emoji*

wwx:   if even jiang cheng can see it, then it must be true

jc:    i’m plenty observative , maybe i just dont Want to see

wwx:   sure :P

       get ur girl, shijie !!!

       i’m so glad ur over that peacock *sick face emoji*

       just when i was starting to tolerate him too

jyl:   zixuan is… a lot ut he has morals

wwx:   yeah i guess

       ANYWAY !!!

       ASK HER OUT !

jyl:   *embarrassed emoji*

       maybe later

jc:    maybe ???

jyl:   definitely later

jc:    *clapping emoji*

       what about you, wei wuxian *raised eyebrow emoji*

wwx:   me? what about me?

jc:    are you going to tell lan wangji about your newly discovered feelings last night

wwx:   uuhhhh No

       do i look like i have a death wish?

jc:    yeah

wwx:   okay fair

       but this is too much for even me haha

jyl:   what do you mean

       a-xian, we can double date !

wwx:   i don’t think thats gonna be possible *sigh emoji*

       he doesn’t like me like that and i dont want to make him uncomfortable

jc:    but like

       your entire thing is to make him uncomfortable? its weirder that ur not doing it

wwx:   i’m not that bad *puppy dog eyes emoji* *sigh emoji*

jyl:   i think what a-cheng means is that its more glaringly obvious that you’re tryinf to distance yourself because you usually dont?

       for the record, i dont think he’s uncomfortable

jc:    huaisang here ! i think he is but its more like ~ horny grip ~ than like actual discomfort okay bye *blowing kiss emoji*

wwx:   Okay Huaisang *doubtful emoji*

jc:    he is too single to be this interested in everyone’s love life

jyl:   so are you

jc:    i’m not interested!

jyl:   okay *winking emoji*

*bunny emoji* @bichen

something’s wrong

[picture of a white bunny with brown ears placidly eating some greens]

*bunny emoji* @bichen


[another picture of the same bunny, still eating greens but this time it looks angry]

wwx @suibian

why is lan zhan checking my temp and asking if they have orange juice oh god xxc contaminated him with the Crazie

Text from lan zhan

wwx:   whatchu doin

       stop dat

lwj:   you seem unwell

wwx:   xingchen JUST took my temp, i’m fine

lwj:   had to check for myself

wwx:   oh

       and what’s the diagnosis, then, doc :o

lwj:   no fever

wwx:   hahaha

       ur so cute lan zhan :P

       not sick! just tired

lwj:   hm we can leave

wwx:   :O but this is important!

lwj:   not really

       my brother will be here for any networking opportunities

       i don’t think huaisang will be offended

wwx:   aah no it’s fine

       i can get through it *flexing emoji*

lwj:   i’m serious

       its better to leave now than pretend to be fine the whole evening

       you’re not very good at pretend, by the way

wwx:   oh


       you’re right

       no need to ruin the whole evening just bc im in a mood

       i can take a cab though dont worry about it

lwj:   wei ying

wwx:   hm?

lwj:   please don’t leave me alone with these people

wwx:   hahahahaha

       okay *blowing kiss emoji*

       then lets get sizui some icecream on the way

       he’s been such a good boy, accidentally stepping on zixuns shoes *triple heart smiley emoji*

lwj:   sure

wwx @suibian

lan zhan is such a good dad :( i wonder how he ended up adopting sizhui

wwx @suibian

even i have enuf manners to not ask that tho *sobbing emoji* we’re hardly close enough

wwx @suibian

still ,,,,,, cute

wwx @suibian

ARHFFFHHH did i always find every thing so cute or is it because of The Revelation :|

wwx @suibian

so im whipped whipped ok i guess *sigh emoji*

wwx @suibian

i’m home ,,, gonna say smth real corny but is it possible to miss smn when u saw them a few seconds ago

wwx @suibian


[picture of a lock screen, the background is a grey cat wrapped in a grey blanket.  There is a notification from YCB: “¥4000 has been credited to your a/c 007-145-008…]

wwx @suibian

since when do i feel bad about getting money for work !!

wwx @suibian

its okay wei ying you dumb bitch ,, just distance urself until u get ur feelings in check and everything will be fine , u absolute moron

wwx @suibian

shud be easy enuf, what would lan zhan want from me except a fake date

wwx @suibian

falling in l*ve is by far the stupidest thing ive done in my life and thats saying smth bc i’ve done some Dumb Shit

[picture of a small grey and white kitten with a pink barrett over one ear. Someone has photoshopped some blush on its cheeks]

Chapter Text


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

got ma paycheck, im gonna get a used roomba

xxc @xingchen

thank u for adopting *praying hands emoji*

wen qing @drwen

wait what

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu


[picture of two roombas with knives taped to their tops and balloons taped to their backs, they appear to be sparing]

wen qing @drwen

NO !!!!!!

Instagram Post by yanli

[black and white picture of mianmian sitting on a clear chair in the corner of an art gallery]

comment: *triple heart smiley emoji*

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

[picture of an orange and white anime hamster ready to dig into a bowl of rice.  The rice is topped with 2 small pink hearts.  The background is full of every pink heart emoji that exists.  The hamster is blushing]

group chat titled: yunmeng hero trio

wwx:   :o

       are congratulations in order?

jyl:   *embarrassed emoji*

       not yet ,,

       i didn’t know how to bring it up *sigh emoji*

wwx:   you just went out today! you should have just been like “its a date!”

       and like! held hands

jyl:   like you and lan wangji? *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

wwx:   yeah ….


jc:    i feel ur pouty energy radiating through phone

wwx:   i am not pouty !!

       and if i am , its ADORABLE and you SHUD pay attn to me

jc:    *unimpressed emoji*

jyl:   a-xian, have you spoken to lan wangji recently?

wwx:   no, not rly, why

jyl:   a-yang was asking

wwx:   a-yang *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

jc:    a yang *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

jyl:   hush!!

*bunny emoji* @bichen

maybe if i stare at the message app , it will. magically write a message and send it

*bunny emoji* @bichen

asked brother if phone could send messages without you typing it out and pressing send and he just went “siri”

*bunny emoji* @bichen

cant believe my brother who is scared of the washing machine came up with that retort

*bunny emoji* @bichen

[picture of a cartoon white rabbit plush against a pink background.  It looks forlorn] [screen cap of an unsent message to wei ying. In the typing box it says “wei ying talk to me”. The rest of the screen is blank.]

Text from xichen ge

lxc:   wangji, is something wrong?

lwj:   what do you mean?

lxc:   you seem a little off

lwj:   was it the siri thing? brother, you can’t feel too proud of that until you stop being scared of the washing machine

lxc:   it has so many buttons!!! what do they do!

lwj:   they’re for different fabrics and such.

lxc:   absolutely confounding

lwj:   wei ying would make fun of you for it

       it is such a first world, privileged person problem

lxc:   ahh

       did you and wei ying have a fight, is that it?

lwj:   no

       we’re fine

       i think

lxc:   you think?

lwj:   its nothing

lxc:   you did leave early at qinghe

       and he seemed rather quiet

       are you having trouble in your relationship?

lwj:   no. it’s great.

lxc:   are you sure

       i don’t think you’ve spoken to him in a while

lwj:   *raised eyebrow emoji*

lxc:   you get a Look on your face when you text or talk to him

lwj:   Look??


lwx:    its just very obvious you are quite smitten

lwj:   can he tell? *distressed emoji*

lxc:   … can your boyfriend tell that you’re in love with him?

lwj:   playing hard to get keeps the relationship spicy.

lxc:   ah

       i hope so

       i’ll have words with him if he doesnt

       why aren’t you speaking?

lwj:   its nothing, we’re both just busy

lxc:   its important to find time !

lwj:   how

lxc:   hm

       mingjue and i go to the gym together every friday

lwj:   okay…

lxc:   what i’m saying is ; make time!

lwj:   okay


lxc:   anything for my baby brother *triple heart smiley emoji* *blowing kiss emoji x2*

lwj:   *embarrassed emoji* *pleased emoji*

*bunny emoji* @bichen

“okay” i say as though i havent spent 45 minutes staring at an empty message typing bar


huaisang @secondnie

i think points were made

[picture of lan wangji looking striking in a silver patterned suit jacket and black bowtie] [picture of a white bunny wearing a black bowtie]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

I AGREE!!!!!

wwx @suibian

OOOooooOooOoOoOoOooooooOh no

Quote Retweet:

huaisang @secondnie

i think points were made

[picture of lan wangji looking striking in a silver patterned suit jacket and black bowtie] [picture of a white bunny wearing a black bowtie]

wwx @suibian

i mis s s him noo

wwx @suibian

[obviously the same picture of lan wanji as before but cropped to be a head shot] [a picture of a black cat jumping when startled.  It is surrounded by pink heart emojis of all types and a zoom in effect has been added]

wwx @suibian

i think ,, Kith

[a picture of an emoji with flirty eyes, a w mouth, a hand, and a cowboy hat] [another crop of the lan wangji picture, this time to only show his face]

Text from jiang cheng

jc:    its been a while since someone of importance brought up your name

wwx:   hain?

       what did i do

       i didn’t do anything

       lan zhan didnt even invite me to this event :(

       did you go?

       i miss him



jc:    i really cannot stand you.

wwx:   then sit

jc:    no i did not go to any event

       i’m talking about my interview with lan yi

wwx:   oooooooh

       how did it go

       wait how am i involved

       ive never met the woman in my life ever

jc:    i genuinely do not understand how u can steamroll me in text conversation

wwx:   ah



jc:    we’ll get back to your insufferable crush on lan wangji later

       so lan yi

       a little birdy told me to ask her about wen corp

wwx:   u know hauisang will absolutely be giddy with delight at the prospect of being called birdy

       is that ur term of endearment for him

       its cute

jc:    u know what nvm im out

wwx:   nooooooo come back i wanna know about wen corp *fountain of tears kaomoji*

jc:    u dont deserve to know

wwx:   pls pls pls *zipper mouth emoji*

jc:    .

wwx:   *zipper mouth emoji*

jc:    so i asked about the wen corp and their legal proceedings

wwx:   *hand emoji*

jc:    yes?

wwx:   sorry, question

       what legal proceedings

jc:    oh, wen corp is being tried by the state for tax evasion as well as their work practices and violations of labour rights

       its been going on for a year now

       i’m surprised you didn’t know?

wwx:   right right right

       well a) a bit busy here with like. surviving

       b) didnt i see wen rouhan at the jim estate gathering? im pretty sure i blamed him for global warming

       whats he doing out and about

jc:    lmao

       since when do corporations ever get treated like actual criminals?

wwx:   *sick face emoji x2*

jc:    anyway

       which is why i brought it up bc while theyre tryna keep it hush hush , Shes tryna bring it out in the public spotlight

       so i asked her what she had in store and she basically implied she had a lot of dirt on the main family and they can enjoy their time now bc she was going to make them go to jail personally

       and then she talked about how i’d know how vicious wen chao could be considering what he did to my family

wwx:   lmao didnt they seal his record

jc:    nah he wasnt a juvie when he

       u know

wwx:   i don’t know :P i literally have no recollection

jc:    *unamused face emoji*

       its for the best

       it wasnt pretty

wwx:   hm i always thought so

       but now i wonder if lan zhan and i were close during that time

jc:    right


       can you please put us all out of our suffering and either ask him out or get over it

wwx:   I TRIED !!


       MWAH !

jc:    *sick emoji*

       from what i remember, you just riled him up alot

wwx:   yeah


jc:    rip

wwx @suibian

annoyance is an emotion

[photo of a cat walking through snow that is deeper than the cat is tall]

wwx @suibian

u cud say he has strong emotions towards me,,,

*bunny emoji* @bichen

wei ying-less event was so boring , i astral projected to another plane of existence where i am hanging out with wei ying instead

*bunny emoji* @bichen

ive never had an issue with plus ones not being allowed until now

*bunny emoji* @bichen

i know he is busy but . i feel that he Must know about what uncle said about the separation of religion and state

Text from lan zhan

lwj:   hello

       are you back home from work?

wwx:   lan zhan !!


       i’m on the bus *crying kaomoji*

       it was late

       i only have a couple of hours before the bar gig so im just going to go there str8 away

lwj:   ah

       have you eaten?

wwx:   yes *cutesy yelling kaomoji*

lwj:   good *pleased emoji*

wwx:   aww i got a widdle emoji out of u

       *triple heart smiley emoji x3*

       aren’t you at that event?

lwj:   i left

       it was boring

wwx:   of course it was !! E Y E wasnt there !

lwj:   yes that’s why

wwx:   hahaha

       im kidding

       any juicy stuff happen? *eyes emoji*

lwj:   gossip is bad

wwx:   its not gossip, ur just spitting straight facts!!

       please this bus ride is an hour long

lwj:   it was more business, there were presentations and speeches and such

wwx:   hey lan zhan

lwj:   hm?

wwx:   what exactly do you do?

       idk why ive never really asked that

       i just assumed you were part of your family business, doin leisurely second heir stuff

       but like

       do you have a job title

lwj:   oh

       i dont work for the family business

       not really

wwx:   wait what

       what ????

       wait so you just ? dont do anything? bc i havent seen you do any other job

lwj:   its summer

       im a teacher

       i’m off

wwx:   YOU’RE A TEACHER ???


lwj:   i assumed it came up your google search in the beginning of this courtship

wwx:   haha courtship

       dude that google search was bare bones

       u barely have an online footprint

       what do you teach??? where do you teach?

lwj:   music

       cloud reccesses

wwx:   lan wangji

lwj:   ?

wwx:   you never cease to amaze me

lwj:   hhdehe

       i mean. my phone slipped

wwx:   okay wait

       if you don’t work for your family company

       why do you have to go to all these events you hate??

lwj:   i used to work for the company and i still show up to show face to clients I acquired

       only during breaks and i didn’t particularly mind

wwx:   you minded enough to hire a gremlin

lwj:   i don’t mind the work

       my brother doesn’t expect much of me in that regard with the company and it was honestly mostly to show face

       then we partnered with the jins on a project and then another and suddenly this Jin Guang Yao Person became a permanent fixture in my brothers life

wwx:   admittedly, the guy is annoying but

       why do You hate him *eyes emoji*

       and “he’s shady” isnt an answer

lwj:   i don’t vibe with him

wwx:   that’s not an answer either

       lan zhaaan

       come on

       aren’t we partners in crime *puppy dog eyes emoji*

       *puppy dog eyes emoji x3*

lwj:   alright

       a) jin enterprises has questionable ethics. they constantly toe the line of what is morally right and they constantly find loopholes and its just. gross and underhanded and i hate it

       b) jin guangyao is in love with my brother and He Can’t Have Him .

wwx:   a) yikes

       b) doesn’t zewujun like him back? they seem close

lwj:   a) yes, its why i quit

       b) no, my brother is just really friendly but if jgy asked him out, he would agree to try it out bc he likes jgy as a friend and then jgy wud convince him theyre in love because hes a manipulative little tapeworm

wwx:   a) i understand wanting to quit but wouldn’t you have been more helpful from the inside? you have actual power in the company and you could have changed things

       b) yea i get it hes real smarmy and also ,, not to get weird but i think ur brother and nie mingjue mad cute

lwj:   a) one person against an entire industry? impossible

       b) i just want the best for my brother. him and nie mingjue are close and sometimes i thought they were more but my brother is too oblivious of his own actions

wwx:   a) attempt the impossible, lan zhan!! i believe in you!

       b) is it weird that i ship them

lwj:   a) i tried but i could only go as far as our own company and even then, we have a council of board members who are more,,, traditional

       b) yes it is but i’ve accepted that you are a bit of a weirdo and like you regardless

wwx:   a) okay i can understand how that can be exhausting. are you happy with your teacher gig?

       b) y-you like m-m-me ? *puppy dog eyes emoji* *fingers poking together emojis*

lwj:   a) yes, i love you

       a) sorry, i meant i love it. the job

       b) yes

wwx:   a) thats great!!!


lwj:   friends

wwx:   friends *handshake emoji*

       come on lan zhan

       you can’t say you like me and not be my friend

lwj:   okay

       we’re friends

wwx:   *cutesy yelling kaomoji x3*

wwx @suibian


wwx @suibian

probably not That much considering how reluctant he was to say we were friends but still!!!!!!

wwx @suibian

i will take what i can get !! i will be the goodest friend !!

group chat titled: *mischievous kaomoji*

lwj:   i have made a new friend

nhs:   omg

mm:    i’m so proud of u

sl:    who is it? :o

lwj:   wei wuxian

sl:    .

nhs:   ..

mm:    bitch what

lwj:   he enthusiastically informed my today that we are Friends

       i’m glad its been clarified

sl:    i cannot believe wwx actually thinks ur just bros

nhs:   good god

       the sheer idiocy has me at a loss for words

mm:    bleh just ask him out

lwj:   no

mm:    *cutesy fists up kaomoji*

lwj:   *cutesy fists up yelling kaomoji*

mm:    *judgmental kaomoji*

lan wangji @hanguangjun

[picture of a headline reading: Man Who Thought He’d Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn’t Even Know He Still Had]

lan xichen @zewujun

wangji, are you okay??

lan wangji @hanguangjun

wrong acc

*bunny emoji* @bichen

this is absolutely fine , i just need to sit with the rabbits for a while

*bunny emoji* @bichen

sizhui has decided to join me , we are having a rabbit day, no one talk us , we Bonding


Text from song lan

sl:    so

       i hear you and lan zhan are “friends”

wwx:   screw that, wheres my roommate *knife emoji*

sl:    i haven’t a clue what ur talking about

wwx:   dont think i dont see what u are doing

       and i wont allow it

       we need him for rent

       unless u become his sugar daddy and pay our rent for us

       *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

sl:    … are you prostituting xingchen??

wwx:   only for u and with his consent

sl:    i’m going to date him

wwx:   u cant

sl:    why not

       some of us aren’t cowards

wwx:   bc

       u cant

song lan @songlan

wei wuxian is homophobic

proof: i am gay and he is inconveniencing me

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

this is slander and i will take u to court for ur sexy sexy money

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

@xingchen say goodbye to your most intimate friend

xxc @xingchen

[picture of a brown and white dog in a giant plant pot. words in comic sans are pasted around the screen. they say “am plant “no bork today” ”am doin a grow”]

song lan @songlan

*cutesy heart eyes kaomoji*

[picture of a brown teddy bear surrounded by heart emojis of all types, flower emojis of all types and some rainbow and sparkle emojis] [a picture of xingchen in a blue collared shirt open over a white tshirt.  He is sitting in a cafe booth and smiling coyly under a white ballcap that is covering his eyes]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i know who that is !!! u cant hide from me !

group chat titled: burial mounds

wwx:   ig we need to look for a new housemate :(

xxc:   yeah :( we’ll miss you when you move in with lan wangji



xxc:   *ear emoji*

wwx:   we’re friends , u and song lan went on a DATE

xxc:   yeah ,, one date , u and lan wangji are practically coparenting

wwx:   u know u what

       be quiet

xxc:   *pleased emoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

all the rich do is steal !

song lan @songlan

i dont even know how to pick a lock

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

wait rly? but that’s just a life skill *blank face emoji*

wen qing @drwen

ok felon.

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

rich oomfs, make my day and tell me something embarrassingly common that u cant do

lan wangji @hanguangjun

my brother doesn’t know how to use our expensive washing machine. sometimes, even the smart fridge

lan xichen @zewujun

wangji!! *fountain of tears kaomoji*

huaisang @secondnie


lan xichen @zewujun

look at all this !!!

[picture of an incredibly complicated looking front of a washing machine.  there are many, many buttons]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

seems easy enough

lan xichen @zewujun

*crying kaomoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

@hanguangjun altho,, smart fridge? im judging you

lan wangji @hanguangjun

i know how to fill the ice cube tray with water and freeze it instead of using the automatic option

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

oh well in THAT case , thats very sexy of you

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

are u sure i cant [pulls shirt off shoulder] tempt u to join us commoners

jiang cheng @wanyin

i didn’t know you could mend clothes again ,, i just thought once u got a tear thats it,, poor cloth Dead

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

yall rly lived like that *sobbing emoji* *hand emoji*

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

at least i know how to use the washing machine

lan xichen @zewujun


*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

i can teach u

lan xichen @zewujun


Text from   mingjue

lxc:   i am being bullied on twitter dot com

nmj:   get them suspended

lxc:   mingjue no

nmj:   xichen yes

lxc:   this is just unfair

       the washing machine is a horrible demon

       and the smart fridge!

       jingyi once tried to use twitter on it!

nmj:   there there

       why are you worrying about it

       you’re not becoming a housewife anytime soon are you?

lxc:   well … no

nmj:   then?

lxc:   is being able to do laundry something people expect from their partners? *puppy dog eyes emoji*

       am i going to be forever alone because i dont know how to bleach clothes?

nmj:   you’re not going to be forever alone *roll eyes emoji*

       besides isnt partnership about ,, partnership

lxc:   astute observation

nmj:   I MEAN

       just get ur partner to do the laundry

       while you , idk, vacuum

lxc:   huh

       can you do laundry

nmj:   yes

lxc:   thats just unfair.

nmj:   ????

lxc:   ur just gonna be just as successful as me but also be able to do housework??

       not fair

nmj:   boo hoo :P

       i had to raise huaisang and he was a messy toddler

       you learn things

lxc:   i had to help raise wangji!!

       ok he wasnt a messy child

       ok push comes to shove i’ll just marry you :D

       come to think of it, we’d work well together :o

       haha thats weird


nmj:   yeah


       *peace sign emoji*

wen chao @chaos

who cares if we can’t do certain things? that’s what workers are for. everyone has their place and some are lower than others and you people just need to accept that. *eye roll emoji*

wen chao @chaos

not @ a son of a whore talking like he knows anything

jiang cheng @wanyin

@TwitterSupport abusive language!

wen chao @chaos

@wanyin i’m going to kill you, i got locked out of my account

jiang cheng @wanyin

*distressed emoji*

jiang cheng @wanyin

@TwitterSupport threats of violence!!

huaisang @secondnie

i cannot believe yall quote rting wen chao on my tl but someone got him suspended so i can’t read the original tweet

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i have a recording, youtube “dogs barking” its the same thing

jiang cheng @wanyin

@yilinglaozu dont insult dogs like that :/

jiang cheng @wanyin

u ever just wanna suspend someone irl?

huaisang @secondnie

murder ,,, you’re implying murder

jiang cheng @wanyin


huaisang @secondnie

you know, i think i’m tired of da-ge being single. partner applications open:

[a broody picture of nie mingjue. He is wearing a dark suit jacket with a black turtleneck under it. He is looking down and away from the camera.  There is a dragonfly pin on his left lapel.  He looks gorgeous.]

[picture of a small orange cat in front of a tiny cat-sized laptop.  there is a tiny glass of what looks like a latte with a straw next to it and a pair of round green sunglasses also in the frame.]

nie mingjue @redblademaster


huaisang @secondnie

MAKE ME !!!!

huaisang @secondnie

da-ge changed the wifi password, jokes on him, i have 5G. serious applicants only!

jiangcheng @wanyin

dude why do you wanna die today

huaisang @secondnie

bored. i will cause problems on purpose


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

if you can’t outsmart your opponent, the only option left is to outstupid them

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

do the wildest , off the wall shit. they wont see it coming.

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

… whats this about

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

*halo emoji*

wwx @suibian

some ppl honest to god think i wont spit on their food,, bold assumptions ,

wwx @suibian

i want to quit ,, Can I Please Quit

wwx @suibian

no i cant im a drop out with a criminal record , xoxo AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 wwx @suibian

im having an existential crisis

[a picture of a white cartoon bunny in a pink hat. it is lying in bed with a cloth on its forehead, staring at the ceiling]

wwx @suibian

i think its time 4 drinking .

wwx @suibian

i will be Responsible and ask the wen qing n wen ning if they wanna come with

Instagram Post by drwen

[picture of wei wuxian with his head down on a restaurant table.  There are various dishes around him and someone has piled some selections of food on his head. A hand is toasting him with a shot glass of clear liquor.]

Comment: here’s to existential dread *beer emoji* *flushed emoji*

Text from lan zhan

wwx:   lan zhan i want to see my little boy

       lan zhan

       my little boy

       the seratonin is important

       oh waitt

       its like 2 am haha rip


       i hope u put ur phone on silent while sleeping

lwj:   wei ying

       sizhui is asleep

wwx:   *fountain of tears kaomoji*

       thats good

       a good bo y

lwj:   [picture of a well loved brown bunny plushie on a rumpled bed]

       theres this




lwj:   it’s sizhuis

wwx:   not enough

       show me my other little boy

lwj:   ?

wwx:   you !!

       hahaha *heart eyes kaomoji*


wwx:   i mean u dont have to

       i miss u tho :(

lwj:   i see you went out drinking

       are you okay?

wwx:   i ’m home !! worry not, lan zhan!

       i even have the room to myself bc xingchen is like

       really datingg

       but im happy for him!!!

       he seems happy !

       god i wish that was me e


       go to sleep :o

lwj:   [mirror selfie of lwj completely swaddled in a white comforter.  The phone is just peaking out of a hole at face height]

wwx:   LOOK AT T U


lwj:   what.

wwx:   u look cozy

       go back to sleep

       sorry for waking u :(((

lwj:   its okay

       i dont mind being woken up by you

wwx:   haaaaaa


       are you asleep

lwj:   not really

wwx:   why not

lwj:   well i did just get startled awake at two in the morning so theres that

wwx:   im soweeeyyy

       i’ll stop bothering u, go back to slee p *sigh emoji*

lwj:   why are you awake

       dont you have a shift tomorrow

wwx:   urhg


       dont remind me of that lan zhan

       i jsut downed an unreasonable amount of alcohol to not think of that

lwj:   why

wwx:   hhfhfhfffvk

       well okay

       wait u shud sleep

lwj:   im emotionally invested now

wwx:   haaaaahaha

       ur funnt y lan zhan

       i know i shud be grateful to Have A Job

       considering u kno

       the economy and stuff

       but also

       must we work menial job s?

       can we e not simply lie on the florr and stare up at the sky , filled with existential dread because life seems so stagnent t an d the thought that this ia how we’re spending life is so terrifying



lwj:   yes, wei ying, i know

wwx:   okay

       that being said

       [a picture of a cat laying tummy up in a white porcelain sink. It is staring off into the distance blankly]

lwj:   i see

       why dont you try to find another, more fulfilling job?


       honestly like what wud i even do

       plus i have a criminal recoed [clow n noises]

       with my experience i cud MAAYBEE do management at a service or retail store but . unlikely

       but that sounds. absolutely dreadful

       im not strong enough, lan zhan

       not brave enough

lwj:   didn’t you want to be an architect?

wwx:   ………..

       yea when i was a babie

       how do You know that

lwj:   you told me

       you even showed me some designs, you were really good even at 17

wwx:   huh ?

       i have no recollection of this

lwj:   wei ying you have no recollection of most of our time together

       trust me

wwx:   yeah okay but like

       hello? i dont even have a hs graduation degree

       and university is Expensive and even with the money i earn from two jobs, i wuldnt be able to pay tuition AND survive

       have i mentioned how for profit education are leeches

lwj:   you have

       okay wait

wwx:   what r u doing

       la n zhaaan

lwj:   researching

wwx:   HAAAIANNN??


lwj:   mhm

wwx:   *angry emoji* *swearing emoji x3* *angry emoji* *swearing emoji* *angry emoji* *swearing emoji* *angry emoji* *swearing emoji*

lwj:   i think if we continue our partnership, you can save enough for a secondary education diploma

       you’re smart, you’ll be able to get a scholarship

wwx:   hah s ee about that

       the partner ship is. Weird now

lwj:   oh

wwx:   I MEAAAN

       like we’re homies


       its weird to take money for that now

       u know ?

       now its just me helpin a bro out :D

       no financial incentives needed :D

lwj:   no

wwx:   ?!!,!,

lwj:   take the money

wwx:   owo am i ur charity case

lwj:   no

       redistributing wealth.



lwj:   i do pay my taxes and i’m kind of offended you would think i don’t

wwx:   ur ridiculous

lwj:   mhm

wwx:   truly


lwj:   oh look i need to go on some dates


       are you free

wwx:   i am not nearly drunk enough to not see past ur little scheme

lwj:   i have never done anything duplicitous in my life.

wwx:   ah lan han

       ur lucky ur sooooo cute

       i let you get away with this and we can pretend this didnt happen tomorrow when i wake up hungover

       altho knowing my track record with my memory i wont have to pretend haha

       ok serotonin recieved

       go to sleep

       as will i

lwj:   okay

       sleep well

wwx:   uh huh

       thanks for waking up for me :P

lwj:   no problem

wwx:   *blowing kiss emoji*

wwx @suibian

i care lan zhan so much

[a picture of a small black bat clinging to and wrapped around a pink bunny plushie]

*bunny emoji* @bichen

i just want to take care of you

[picture of the white zootopia bunny in a pool of water nuzzling up against another animal that is just peeking over a rock. the bunny’s ears are down and it looks somewhat distressed and a little wistful]

wwx @suibian

a h . i am awake.this is why i dont drink so much anymore

wwx @suibian


[screen cap of a lock screen. the background is a grey kitten wrapped in a grey blanket. there are notifications for 6 missed calls from “diner manager” and a text from “diner manager” reading “where are you you’re late to your shift, this is com…”]

wwx @suibian


wwx @suibian


wwx @suibian

[a picture of a grey kitten on a white background. the picture has been edited so that the kitten is holding a silver gun under its chin.]

wei wuxian @yilinglaouzu

stop mean to me !!

[a picture of a tiny orange and white kitten curled with its head down on a floor of broken concrete. It is wedged in a corner between a concrete wall and a concrete step.]

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

:o ?

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

who mean to a-xian?

[a picture of a cat’s face looming over the camera in a very dutch angle. a gun has been edited into the picture and is pointing threateningly at the viewer.]

group chat titled: yunmeng hero trio

wwx:   [picture of a dude looking pretty blank faced. words have been edited on top “I may not show it *100% emoji* but i am so close to giving up i am unhappy. i am in genuin pain. all i do is stay silent. i want it to stop”]

jyl:   [picture of a cartoon cat. human hands cocking a gun have been edited on top of it]

       what happened

wwx:   i’m fr abt to lose this dining gig

       i overslept and im on thin fucking ice and the work environment is a disaster

       time to spin the minimum wage wheel to apply for a new job

jc:    we have job openings

wwx:   HAAAA

       thank u

       but no

jyl:   i understand *puppy dog eyes emoji*

wwx:   *sigh emoji*

       hehe i told lan zhan abt it and he told me to get my secondary education degree

jc:    thats a good idea

wwx:   I do Not Have Time

jc:    You Will Once You Quit The Dining Job

wwx:   Then How Will I Pay Rent . And Eat

       wait come to think of it


jyl:   *intrigued emoji*

wwx:   what i’ve saved so far Shud be enough for a couple of months if i keep the bartending job

       the sudden influx of cash from lan zhan helped


       thinking thinky thoughts

jyl:   you should follow ur dreams!!!!!

       considering the biased system we exists in !!! a degree will help !!!!!! :D

wwx:   never heard smn point out the flaw in the system with such cheer

jyl:   you know the system , u play the system *I want to touch that kaomoji*

jc:    as much as i hate to say this

       ur like

       smart or whatever

       it should be easy for you

       the only reason u dropped out was because of that zixun brat

wwx:   u think i’m smart? *puppy dog eyes emoji*

jc:    shut the fuck up

       you KNOW ur smart

       dont make me say it again

wwx:   but its music to my ears

jc:    *dead eyed stare kaomoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

me doing research on how to get back into academia versus realizing, once again, that the education system has been hijacked by for profit business

[picture of a small orange cat in front of a tiny cat-sized laptop.  there is a tiny glass of what looks like a latte with a straw next to it and a pair of round green sunglasses also in the frame.]

[picture of a cat resting on an orange sofa. it is wearing some sort of black shirt . it looks appalled and dismayed]

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

you got this !!


Text from da ge

nmj:   u r lurking


nhs:   *eyes emoji*


       shit is about to hit the fan :D

nmj:   .

nhs:   i’m gonna leak the evidence

nmj:   i thought

       if you got any evidence

       we would go to the police

nhs:   dage, ur belief in the justice system is absolutely quaint and adorable

       a) if we submit the evidence as Real People, people will connect it to us and it can be spun that we’re only trying to get our competitors arrested

       b) this wasn’t ,, exactly aquired ,,,,, Legally

nmj:   .

       nie huaisang

nhs:   YOU told me to get more involved with the company

       though ur an ailing old man about to pass *rolling eyes emoji*



nmj:   WHAT BABY

nhs:   ME

       dage please ur blood pressure *distressed emoji*

nmj:   *unimpressed emoji*

nhs:   u’d be so much more relaxed if u just

nmj:   just. what.

nhs:   im leaving the house no w!!!

       i am outside the house


nmj:   DRIVE SAFELY I WILL BE HERE WHEN U GET B A CK *furious emoji*



A Legit News Source @news

BREAKING: Bombshell anonymous leaks show evidence against Wen Corp including malpractice and severe labour law violation. Other major companies implicated, such as Jin Enterprises and Lan Co.

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

LAN ???

*bunny emoji* @bichen


jiang cheng @wanyin

EXCLUSIVE: Read our interview with Lan Yi as she talks about her calls for action against Wen Corp’s violations and her take on what should be done on a systematic level moving forward >>

huaisang @secondnie

if the lans are implicated, does this mean she’s throwing her own family under the bus?

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

@secondnie isn’t the lan involvement just an alleged statement at this point?

huaisang @secondnie

yea… don’t be disappointed in me *puppy dog eyes emoji*

A Legit News Source @news

ONGOING - Corporate heirs Wen Xu and Wen Chao detained by police this morning. Arrest warrant out for Wen Ruohan but the corporation CEO is in the wind

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

[beat drop] karmas a bitch

Text from meng yao

lxc:   *puppy dog eyes emoji* are you alright?

       what’s happening?

jgy:   er-ge!

       it’s very hectic

       there are already police at some outskirt warehouses

lxc:   oh no *distressed emoji*

       i’m sure it will clear up very soon for the innocent!

       we had people come by too but i’m not too worried

jgy:   yes, of course

       we have already been conducting an internal investigation since the charges were laid against wen corp earlier in the year

       but now lan yi and others are insisting on third party investigators

lxc:   same on our end

       we’ve allowed them

jgy:   ah but

       we have sensitive documents. innocent stuff but still private.

lxc:   hm, i understand

       but its better than being associated with the likes of labour abuse?

jgy:   we can’t trust third party people to not leak sensitive information

lxc:   i suppose

       well best of luck, a-yao *gentle smile emoji*

       i hope it all works out

jgy:   thank you *puppy dog eyes emoji*

       everything is alright in your end?

lxc:   well no *gentle smile emoji* shareholders and elders are losing their mind but i’m sure theres nothing to be afraid of

       if we are in some way unknowingly in the wrong, i’d be happier knowing and setting things right

jgy:   you are a good person, zewujun

       a bit too trusting but good

lxc:   i think its good to give people the benefit of the doubt ~

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

shout out to whoever leaked those documents, ur the real hero here ~ we all know these companies wud have dragged out the courtcase and gotten 0 flack in the end if it wasnt for this leak

nie mingjue @redblademaster

the leak is illegal.

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

with all due respect,, sumtimes u just gotta be gay do crime

song lan @songlan

ur right, theres no way a straight person is the leaker

Text from mingjue

nmj:   how are things going?

       are the external investigators being nice?

lxc:   are you gonna fight them if they’re not :P

nmj:   xichen

lxc:   yes yes

       they’re fine

       they’re just doing their job!

nmj:   it sucks you got caught up in this

       i’m gonna kill huaisang

lxc:   its okay

       what’s huaisang got to do with anything? ówò

nmj:   is wanting to kill huaisang not simply a universal truth at this point

lxc:   u SAY that

       and yet you dote on him the most

nmj:   no i don’t

lxc:   uh huh

       so nie ind. isn’t implicated?

nmj:   nope

lxc:   thats good

       things are just as hectic as a-yaos

nmj:   yea i heard they’ll not allowing third party investigation

lxc:   well, its understandable. they have sensitive documents

nmj:   please

       they’re just trying to hide their dirt as fast as their gremlin paws can

lxc:   mingjue

nmj:   what

       im right

lxc:   you don’t know that

nmj:   i know the amount of affairs jin guangshan has

       and how many mistresses mysteriously dont cause problems for him

       i know wen corp and jin ent had a partnership on the same project thats being scrutinized for labour rights violations rn

       i know jin guangyao has bad vibes

lxc:   bad vibes is not a reason to dislike someone

       or maybe it is but that doesnt mean you should be unfair to them when you dont have all the evidence

nmj:   maybe but


lxc:   what

       say it

nmj:   you’re a pacifist

       its an admirable quality

lxc:   but?

nmj:   but you can be centrist to a fault sometimes

       i think when the violations of someones humanity is at stake

       judgement is important

       is it LEGAL to pay off mistresses and abandon children? it might as well be with how the system is set up

       but that doesnt mean that the person cant be shamed in the court of public opinion

       its wrong of jin ind to hide away documents from the public like that. they’re a business and businesses should be transparent in such occasions.

lxc:   the court of public opinion is a fancy term for mob mentality

       and sure it can work wonders for the corrupt

       but if we encourage it, doesn’t it also make us guilty when the mob mentality turns against someone innocent? someone made up to evil, framed but the public didnt have all the facts and decided to destroy them?

       i’m not saying thats the case here

       but it could be

       i don’t mind being wrong

       but i also don’t mind being kinder and more empathetic if i can be

       reply 2 me >:(

nmj:   u r cute



nmj:   i am

       i see where ur coming from

       but i dont wanna argue more bc we just have different views on some things

lxc:   calling my opinions cute feels invalidating

nmj:   im not calling ur opinions cute

       im calling You cute

lxc:   oh


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i personally think we should eat the rich

lan wangji @hanguangjun

what are your thoughts on eating with the rich?

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

only if the rich are my wonderful boyfriend, then i’m free for dinner in two hours

lan wangji @hanguangjun

*pleased emoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

look at He .

[a picture of lan wangji in a white tshirt. it is a headshot and he is looking right into the camera. He looks blank faced and slightly pissed as always.]

[a picture of someone sitting across from the cameraman, their head is not in the shot.  They are wearing a white tshirt  They have their finger hooked in the top of the cameraman’s shoe in a flirty possessive gesture.]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

he look gwumpy but hes not

wwx @suibian


[a picture of lan wangji in a white tshirt looking over his shoulder. he is smiling broadly]

[picture of a white cat outlined in heart emojis. it is captioned “i really love my boyfriend so much]

wwx @suibian

da smile is MINE only, thank YOU

Instragram post by luoqingyang

[picture of a woman in a beige sweater holding a woman in a blue sweater from behind. both their faces are not in frame.]

comment:   suck on that, jin zixuan

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

here to let you all know i’m formally leaving “i want a gf” twitter. it was a great time in solidarity with my fellow w|w but i hope you cheer me on in this new chapter of my life: i have a gf

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY *partying smiley face emoji* *party popper emoji* *champagne toast emoji x3*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu


jiang cheng @wanyin

if u hurt my sister, i will break your legs

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

FWIEENDSSS *triple heart smiley face emoji X3*

Text from jiang cheng

nhs:   couples all around us *sick face emoji*

       we should outdo them all and get married

jc:    huaisang we are not dating

nhs:   so ?

jc:    i am not marrying you for your need to be overdramatic

nhs:   boo coward


       i’d reather see dage married off first *partying emoji*

       which *I want to touch that kaomoji*

jc:    what does that mean

nhs:   means im gonna forcibly remove jgy from the picture

jc:    what does That mean

nhs:   means im gonna force their hand on the third party investigation

jc:    and what does that MEAN

nhs:   you’d make a wonderful trophy husband, darling

jc:    hauisang we got drunk together consistently through out highschool and university

       this whole mysterio shtick isnt working on me

nhs:   okay but i cant type it out bc like. incriminating

jc:    okay

       but did you really do all that because of your brothers LOVE LIFE ?

nhs:   well my brothers life in general

       i mean its absolutely abhorrent but also im a lil selfish too

jc:    can you do it before we finalize the next issue ?

nhs:   *I want to touch that kaomoji* if u marry me


nhs:   thats a cowards excuse

       u’ve only had hungover huaisang in your bed

jc:    please stop *sick face emoji*

nhs:   fine

       but when i do get married, i expect a huge dramatic moment during the speak now moment

jc:    [a picture of an orange cat that someone has given amazingly thick and determined eyebrows to]


nhs:   [a picture of a grey cat covered in a grey blanket. it looks unhappy to be awake. the picture is captioned “this sum bullshit.”]

Instagram post by songlan

[mirror selfie of song lan and xiao xingchen.  they are very rumpled and xingchen’s tie is undone and hanging around his neck. they have obviously been making out]

comments:   @luoqingyang bet

mm:    i was first :P

sl:    at least neither of us are wangji


xxc:   at least none of us are wei ying

jyl:   maybe they’ll get infected by this love bug *cute and excited kaomoji*

lan wangji @hanguangjun

date night

[a dark photo of someone standing outside a restaurant with a giant bouquet of flowers hiding their face.]

[picture of wei wuxian’s face. he has a half smile with his lips slightly parted.]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

what a handsome devil u’ve got there *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

*bunny emoji* @bichen

wei ying says im spoiling sizhui by getting him mcdonalds for dinner

*bunny emoji* @bichen

marry me if u wanna parent so bad *doubtful emoji*

*bunny emoji* @bichen


Text from lan qiren

lqr:   Wangji.

lwj:   yes, uncle?

lqr:   I’ll just get to the point.

       What are you doing?

lwj:   watching the news ?

       it’s 11 at night, is there something i should be doing?

lqr:   I don’t mean right now, but rather in general.

       It’s good that you’re watching the news. Do you perhaps see what is going on with your company?

lwj:   in general?

       yes, i do

       but not my company, apart from a share and some tasks

       i’m sure it will all be fine

       and if it’s not, it is better to weed out the bad ones.

lqr:   The entire company is under intense scrutiny and you are frolicking around with Wei Wuxian, of all people?

lwj:   of all people?

       uncle, he is my partner

       who else would i frolick around with?


lwj:   … right.

lqr:   Wangji, think of how it looks like.

lwj:   no, i don’t think i will

lqr:   What?

lwj:   goodnight, uncle

*bunny emoji* @bichen

[picture of a white cartoon rabbit in a pink hood. the rabbit looks a little stunned and distressed and is sweating]

*bunny emoji* @bichen

oh no. what will the people think?

*bunny emoji* @bichen

how will i ever go on, knowing that The People are thinking ?

lan wangji @hanguangjun

Heard people were thinking about us so here you go. Don’t hurt your brain too much.

[picture of a person dressed all in black with black and white sneakers holding the hand of the photographer.  The photographer is wearing a white and black striped sweater]

[picture of a person dressed all in black holding the hand of the photographer.  The photographer is wearing a white bomber jacket with black cuffs]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

*puppy dog eyes emoji* *heart eyes emoji*

A Legit News Source @news

ONGOING - Additional leaks reveal strong ties between Wen Corp and Jin Ind. Authorities saying that third party investigation is now non-negotiable.

A Legit News Source @news

Despite Jin Ind earlier press conference stating they will not be allowing third party investigation, unlike Lan Co., they now have a week to give all access to an independent government investigator.

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

@wanyin a nice relaxing drink!

[picture of a person in a grey hoodie (presumably jiang cheng) with the hood pulled down to cover their face.  They are holding a mostly empty mug of beer.]

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

love how the jins are in Hell and yall just out here kicking it back

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

see, when u mind ur own business *pleased emoji* *smug emoji*

A Legit News Source @news

ONGOING - Jin Industries demands a replacement investigator as they believe the assign one would be biased.

A Legit News Source @news

UPDATE - Request denied due to lack of sufficient evidence or reasoning, Jin Ind. now has 3 days to allow investigation or be charged with contempt of court.

lan xichen @zewujun

with @redblademaster

[picture of two wine glasses filled with red wine on a table. the person across from the photographer is wearing a white shirt and has their phone out.]

huaisang @secondnie

@redblademaster whose place are you going back to *eyebrow waggle kaomoji* do u need me to make myself scarce

lan xichen @zewujun

@secondnie DONT WORRY HAUSIANG <33 We wouldd love tos epdnd time wiwht you!!!!! *heart eyes emoji x4*

A Legit News Source @news

Day 2 into the investigation of Jin Ind: Higher ups have already been detained, including Jin Zixun. Watch his statement here:

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

this is so sexy


Instagram Post by yilinglaozu

[mirror selfie of wei wuxian. he is in ripped jeans and a striped button down. he is perched slouchily on a stool in front of a make up mirror.  his legs look like they go on forever.]

comment:   it is I ,, long boi

*bunny emoji* @bichen

[picture of a cartoon dog cutely glaring into a mirror with its arms crossed. it is blushing. the picture is captioned “i AM tired of being nice. i DO just wanna go apeshit.”]

[mirror selfie of wei wuxian. he is in ripped jeans and a striped button down. he is perched slouchily on a stool in front of a make up mirror.  his legs look like they go on forever.]

wwx @suibian

wanna quit the diner job but i’m looking for a particularly satisfying time to do it ,, like on a busy day with me yelling “i quit!” and walking out

wwx @suibian

its been quiet lately but im not complaining abt the extra $$$

Text from mxy

mxy:   yo huaisang i need to get out

       the internal investigation is getting close to me

nhs:   can’t you stay a while longer?

mxy:   u want me to die?

nhs:   no but

       i want to end this properly

mxy:   we did what we could

       you said you’d get me out in time

nhs:   you’re right

mxy:   don’t even think about skipping out on me

       i have dirt on you too

nhs:   mo xuan yu :o

       how could you think me capapble of that?

       im a man of my word

mxy:   you’re capable of that

       i’ve been your inside man in all this, remember? i know what you’re capable of

nhs:   :/

mxy:   look i didn’t mean to make you out to be the bad guy or whatever

       i did most of this out of choice

       but i have to ensure my and my mothers safety

       and ur kinda shady

nhs:   its okay *sigh emoji*

       i’ve done,,, questionable things

       but i think ive done them for the greater good, no?

mxy:   ,,, idk dude your identity crisis isn’t rly smth im equipped to deal with?

       if i say ur cool, will u not tie me off as a loose end?

nhs:   I WOULDN’T DO THAT *puppy dog eyes emoji*

       i said i’d take care of you and i will

mxy:   you realize how that sounds, right?

nhs:   now ur just pushing ur agenda on me

       do you WANT to die ?

mxy:   idk its kinda sexy

       but no

       i wanna go home

nhs:   okay kid

       you will

       oh and

mxy:   hm?

nhs:   thank you

       for everything

mxy:   *puppy dog eyes emoji x2*

       ok now i dont think ur gonna k word me

       unless ur doing this to make me let down my guard

nhs:   damn bitch who hurt you why are you so sus

mxy:   lmao

       ok well

       make it asap

nhs:   will do, brat

mxy:   *winking tongue out emoji*

huaisang @secondnie


[screencap from mulan: mushu is holding mulan’s sword and saying “My little baby, off to destroy people.”]

nie mingjue @redblademaster

huaisang, this is the second time. What Baby?

A Legit News Source @news

New leaked documentation incriminating the Jins coming in faster than our staff and interns can process. Legit News Source kindly asks the leaker to calm down.

. @2938aqll361991ahsh9273271

its the last of it!! toodles *blowing kiss emoji x3*

A Legit News Source @news

No, come back, explain!

A Legit News Source @news

The account has already been deactivated.

[screencap of a twitter profile page. the text says “@2938aqll361991ahsh9273271 does not exist”]


jiang cheng @wanyin

i almost forgot its That Time Of The Year Again

*cherry blossom emoji* @yanli

*distressed emoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

*distressed emoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

wait what are we *distressed emoji*ing about

group chat titled: yunmeng hero trio

jc:    gathering at yunmeng

       mom’s usually the one planning it and i’ve been so caught up with work that ,, it slipped my mind

       but its next week

wwx:   i am just realizing how many gatherings u mfs have

       when do u have time to become wealthy if yall just lounging around drinking?

       oh right the system is broken and capitalism is hell


jyl:   look on the brightside!

       this time, a-xian will be there!

wwx:   hain ? why will a-xian be there?

       didn’t madam yu say that if i stepped foot in her home again , i would ,, how did she put it , “use the lightening of the god to smite me”

jc:    but lan wangji probably got invited

wwx:   and?

       some paths must be walked alone

jyl:   he can’t

       at least not this

       if he doesnt show up, it’ll be like he’s snubbing the jiangs

       and if he does show up without you, it would still be considered disrespectful bc he is allowed a plus one and in every event prior, he has brought his partner (you) and to not bring you to yunmeng would start speculation and rumors

wwx:   wouldn’t me showing up start speculation and rumors and be an affort to madam yu’s authority as well

jyl:   yes but at least we’ll have ur company :D

jc:    there’s really no right answer when it comes to matters like these

wwx:   okay well lan zhan hasn’t even asked me yet

       so maybe he’s already busy

jc:    he’ll have to unbusy himself for yunmeng jiang :|

wwx:   i wanna say i cant believe yall r just having parties while two major companies in ur midst r embroiled in scandal but. i can

jyl:   it gives people something to talk about

       so you’ll come? *puppy dog eyes emoji*

wwx:   i’ll see

       i don’t fancy being sent looked that could make satan shiver all day

jyl:   i know :(

       think on the bright side!

       you can sit on lan wangjis lap *happy sigh emoji*



wwx::    omg

       i wish i could make out with lan zhan in my old bedroom

       its probably been repurposed but it would be nice

       i say as though lan zhan would want to make out with me, even if the room wasnt repurposed

jc:    its not

wwx:   oh


jyl:   father didnt let it be

wwx:   ah

       anyway lan zhan wouldnt make out with me

       thats taking it too far even for me

       oh thats rly sad

       i rly want to kiss him

jc:    amazing how i lost the ability to read

wwx:   shijie, how did we raise such a prude?

jyl:   beats me *shrug kaomoji* u make out with ur man, a-xian *happy congratulatory kaomoji*

wwx:   HE’S NOT MY MAN

jyl:   *happy congratulatory kaomoji*

wwx @suibian

torn between thinking about how madam yu hates me and making out with lan zhan in my old bedroom

wwx @suibian

i am a nuanced person capable of complex thought ! mark me down as scared AND horny


wei wuxian @yilinglaozu


[a selfie of wei wuxian. he is in a blue coat with his hood up. he looks pleased]

wen qing @drwen

what exactly is this refering to

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

quit the diner job *partying emoji* Spectacularly too

wen ning @ghostgeneral

can i also quit

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu


wen qing @drwen

only if you want!

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

come on, it’ll be better if they’re out TWO people ,, manager might actually have to [gasp] work

group chat titled: burial mounds

wwx:   hey xingchen

       when are you marrying song lan so we can buy wen ning a lil bakery like he wanted


xxc:   why are you asking me

       your lan zhan could buy out zichen’s entire life with just his trust fund

wwx:   thats honestly revolting

wq:    xxc snagged himself a commoner, comparatively

wwx:   lan zhan doesnt work for lan co!! he is a teacher!

       this aint about us, this is abt wen ning

wn:    can it not be

       i’d rather talk about wangxian

wwx:   what the fuck is a wangxian

xxc:   you figured out how to make our plumbing work in half an hour, im sure you’ll figure it out

wq:    also EYE will be buying my brother his bakery with my Doctor Money

wwx:   finish getting yourself through med school first

       let me ask lan zhan

       he seems the kind of rich that he doesn’t understand how much a banana costs, let alone a shop

wn:    NO

Text from lan zhan

wwx:   lan zhan >:)

lwj:   hm?

wwx:   i come with nefarious purpose

*bunny emoji* @bichen


[a screencap of the previous texts between himself and wei ying]

Text from lan zhan

lwj:   oh?

wwx:   would lan zhan buy me a store?

lwj:   are you going to use it as a money laundering front?

wwx:   what

       why would i do that

lwj:   you said nefarious purpose

wwx:   asking is the neferious purpose

lwj:   thats ridiculous

       you can ask anything of me

wwx:   anything *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

lwj:   anything

wwx:   ahaha you’re far too giving

       i was just talking about how aggregiously large your trust fund is

       but now i’m concerned for your money

lwj:   it is aggregiously large

       what kind of shop would you want

wwx:   i’m kidding dummy

lwj:   hm but. hypothetically

wwx:   we wanna buy wen ning a bakery so he doesn’t have to work minimum wage jobs for other ppl *pouty fists up kaomoji*

       as for me ,,,

       haha i think i would have those small corner shops where people come to get their stuff fixed

       i think that would be nice *heart eyes kaomoji*

lwj:   that does sound nice

wwx:   oh!! perhaps a flower shop !

       i do love my plants

       the possibilities are endless

       what about you?

lwj:   me?

wwx:   yes! if you could own a lil shop ~

lwj:   a bookstore, perhaps

wwx:   :O

       we can have little shops next to each other


       BY THE WAY !

lwj:   why are you screaming

wwx:   sowwy

       did you

       get an invite

       for the yunmeng gathering

       *eyes emoji*

lwj:   yes

wwx:   are we


lwj:   we don’t have to if you don’t want to

wwx:   no its not that

       its just weird

       like i havent set foot in that place in so long

       nearly a decade *sweatdrop emoji*

       scared madam yu might actually be able to invoke lightening and kill me the second i step onto the premises

lwj:   don’t be ridiculous

       i wouldn’t let that happen

wwx:   my savior *star eyes emoji*

       the last time i was there, i was fresh drop out

       oh lan zhan !!!!

       tell me something

lwj:   something?

wwx:   about us! you said we kind of knew each other back then, right?

lwj:   not particularly

       you tolerated my presence in detention for a month

wwx:   you were an absolute joy to be around

lwj:   you called me a bore to my face

wwx:   ,,, at least i didn’t do it behind your back

       aaah young me was a little shit

       i don’t think you’re boring :D

       promise !

lwj:   its okay

       young me was also,, quite the character

wwx:   ah i wish i could remember

lwj:   is your memory really so bad?

wwx:   in general? yes

       but specifically for this, it’s mostly due to the trauma induced amnesia i got

lwj:   oh


wwx:   according to jiang cheng, i got beat up *clown emoji*

lwj:   i know that

       you lost your memory then?

wwx:   mhm! you do?

       yeah but it was just short term memory loss and while the immediate timeframe was still blank, everything else came back to me so i’m not too torn up abt it

lwj:   yes, i was there

wwx:   wait what?

       you were?

lwj:   yes

       i thought you knew

wwx:   how is that even possible

       what could you possibly have to do with me punching jin zixuans ugly mug?

       from what my siblings told me, jin zixuan was shit talking my sister so i decked him (as he deserved) and i got jumped by his cousin and his friends that included wen chao for my efforts

       ofc with them being more powerful, an apology was demanded from the jiangs or else i would get expeled and that was the whole Thing bc uncle jiang was more willing than madam yu

       so i decided to save the jiangs trouble and dropped out

       and like ran away and stuff

       thats irrelevant

       i wanna know how YOU’RE involved

       tell me tell me tell me

       i cant believe jiang chengs bitchass didnt tell me

lwj:   not that i would ever want to give jiang cheng the benefit of the doubt but perhaps he had bigger things to deal with, such as making sure you werent dead

wwx:   lmao god i wish

       no i don’t

       tell me *fencer emoji*

lwj:   we had detention for a month together. to ensure your attendance, you had to sign a piece of slip at the end of every detention session. i wouldn’t let you sign it until the end.

wwx:   poor lan zhan *sigh emoji*

       in detention with me for a month just to monitor me

       must have sucked

lwj:   i spent the time in the library anyway

       it was


wwx:   owo

       did i Interest you, lan wangji? *smirk emoji*

lwj:   we fought a lot.

       i started looking into witchcraft for a silencing spell that worked and tried one on you everyday

wwx:   HAHAHA

       did you find one that worked?

lwj:   unfortunately not

       the day you got beat up, you didn’t show up for detention so i went looking for you

       and i found you

wwx:   did you come to my rescue *smirk emoji x2*

lwj:   no, jiang cheng was already there

       i think he was going to attempt to fight all of them but when they saw me, they ran off

wwx:   you are pretty intimidating

       did i look as bad as jiang cheng says? i always thought he was over exaggerating even if i did end up in a hospital

lwj:   yes

wwx:   damn :( here i thought i could impress you with my rugged beat up looks

lwj:   i was not impressed with you being nearly unconscious

wwx:   *winking tongue out face x3*

lwj:   be serious

wwx:   i physically cannot

       did you carry me bridal style to the nurse :D

lwj:   no, i tried to help you but you told me to get lost

wwx @suibian

i did wha

[picture of a cat in a black top. it looks shocked and dismayed]

wwx @suibian

wei ying you dumb bitch

Text from lan zhan

wwx:   ahahahahaha

       [picture of a grey kitten. it has been edited so it is holding a gun under its chin]

lwj:   that’s quite unnecessary

       i understood

       we had squabbled the day before and you didn’t really like me anyway

       i didn’t take it personally

*bunny emoji* @bichen

[narrator voice over] this was a lie, he took it very personally

*bunny emoji* @bichen

perhaps it would have been best to . Be Quiet

Text from lan zhan

wwx:   of course i liked you!!

lwj:   you didn’t even remember me

       which i now realize wasn’t voluntary


lwj:   i just assumed because a) you told me get lost and b) you made no attempts to speak to me ever again so.

       and we never particularly got along

wwx:   thats dumb

       i probably had a crush on you back then too and was just pulling your pigtails, lan zhan

*bunny emoji* @bichen

TOO ??????

[picture of a white bunny with brown ears munching on a bush. it looks wistful]

*bunny emoji* @bichen

no. im just being presumptuous

wwx @suibian

what have i done

[picture of the text from lan zhan. the visible message says “back then? too?”]

[picture of a white rabbit stuffie. it is wearing a pink hood. it is standing in a washing machine, staring out through the glass door]

wwx @suibian


*bunny emoji* @bichen

one must not assume the meaning behind someones words, lest their assumptions be wrong and they get proven wrong. it is always better to veer on the side of being safe.

*bunny emoji* @bichen

i should have just let it go ,, probably just was throwaway comment and now i have made it weird . rip

Text from lan zhan

lwj:   back then? too?

wwx:   uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh


       i just mean

lwj:   ?

wwx:   well

       u see

       yeah *handshake emoji* great talk!

lwj:   ah i misinterpreted




       you didn’t?

       i mean

       it depends on what you interpreted

lwj:   you’re right, great talk *handshake emoji*

wwx:   i mean

       didn’t half the school have a crush on you back then haha

lwj:   i don’t particularly care about half the school

       i’m pretty sure they didn’t

wwx:   i’m sure they did

lwj:   well i’m not speaking to them now, am i

wwx:   well if you were, i’m sure they’ve carried their crush into adulthood too!!!

lwj:   again, too?

wwx @suibian

i cant believe im literally digging my own grave rn like god .good god.

wwx @suibian

i got no one to blame but my own dumb flirtatious ass thinkin i was bein so slick and smooth ,, mf u DUMB .

wwx @suibian

well . might as well go all in, right

wwx @suibian

no thats dumb i should just laugh it off

wwx @suibian

but then he would think i think its a joke and i DONT . I HAVE VERY STRONG FEELINGS THAT ARENT A JOKE

Text from lan zhan

wwx:   yeah

       yeah, too

       i was probably with those suckers and still am *peace sign emoji*

lwj:   what

wwx:   ah, come on

       you can be all ,, You

       and not expect me to get a crush on you

       in fact, you should accept responsibility for stealing my heart!!

lwj:   are you joking?

wwx:   haha i can be if you want ,,

lwj:   i want the truth

wwx:   i’m not joking

lwj:   oh

*bunny emoji* @bichen

what does that mean

[picture of a white cartoon rabbit wearing a pink hood. it is lying in bed with a cloth on its forehead. it is staring at the ceiling with blank incomprehension]

group chat titled: *mischievous kaomoji*

lwj:   hey.

       what does this mean?

       [a screen cap of the previous conversation between lan wangji and wei wuxian]



mm:    :’)

       it only took for fucking ever

lwj:   i don’t comprehend

nhs:   omg

       wei ying broke him

       please tell me you replied to him

lwj:   song lan

sl:    mhm?

lwj:   what does this mean

sl:    means your pining is reciprocated

       no one is surprised

nhs:   haha im getting anxious, DID YOU REPLY TO HIM

lwj:   i said “oh”

mm:    by god, if you dont go back there and say something substantial

lwj:   what does one even say to that

nhs:   “hey wei ying ive got a big fat crush on you as well, lets date and then marry and live happily ever after xoxo”

sl:    ^ sounds legit *okay emoji*

wwx @suibian

,,, “oh”???!! i was only put on this earth to suffer. my skin is paper , my bone is glass, every night i lay awake in agony until my heart attacks put me slee p

[picture of a small orange and white kitten facing away from the camera. it is in a small ball on endless grey concrete. it looks very small]

wwx @suibian

nvm he replied

Quote Retweet

[,,, “oh”???!! i was only put on this earth to suffer. my skin is paper , my bone is glass, every night i lay awake in agony until my heart attacks put me spee p

[picture of a small orange and white kitten facing away from the camera. it is in a small ball on endless grey concrete. it looks very small]]

Text from lan zhan

lwj:   i don’t know what to say

wwx:   you don’t have to say anything!!

       no pressure or anything !

       i just

       have a hard time lying to you ig

       but i totally understand if you want like nothing to do with me anymore

lwj:   what

       why would i want nothing to do with you?

wwx:   idk? bc i’ve been harboring a dirty crush on you during our arrangement?

lwj:   that would be hypocritical of me considering my massive fucking crush on you since i was 17.

wwx:   you said a bad word.

       wait your WHAT

       since WHEN

       on WHOMST??

lwj:   *blank face emoji*

wwx:   lan zhan, i swear i’m not joking, there’s no need to play along with it for my sake, haha

lwj:   *blank face emoji x2*

wwx:   you’re serious?

lwj:   *blank face emoji*

wwx:   you’re serious

       what the hell

       are you okay?

lwj:   please don’t insult my intelligence

wwx:   i’’m not! i’m not

       i’m just

lwj:   hm

       meet me downstairs in 20?

wwx:   oh


       drive safe

xxc @xingchen

my roommate just made a series of inhumane sounds and then rushed out of the house. i’ve ruled out possession because wei wuxian is too annoying to coinhabit a body with so i’m open to other suggestions

huaisang @secondnie

inhumane how?

xxc @xingchen

lots of muffled screams and thrashing on the bed

wen ning @ghostgeneral

wanted to see the stars but wei ying’s pacing on the literal pavement two floors down is distracting

wen ning @ghostgeneral

what is he doing, should i ask

wen ning @ghostgeneral

oh he is petting a cat, its ok

wen ning @ghostgeneral

saw a kid walkin with ice cream and now i want one

huaisang @secondnie

hey. buddy. tell me whats happening in the pavement under your place and i’ll buy you a pint

wen ning @ghostgeneral

ah. it’s not very interesting, wei ying is still sitting on the pavement, attempting to pet another cat but this cat isnt having it :/

DM between huaisang @secondnie & wen ning @ghostgeneral

nhs:   mr ghost general

       [picture of a hand sliding a bill across a table]

wn:    that’s not ice cream

nhs:   give me more details and i’ll get you however much ice cream you want for a month

wn:    ,,,


       its not very interesting

       hes just sitting there

       why are you spying on wei ying

nhs:   i’m not spying

       you’ll see

wn:    all i’m seeing is a street cat swiping at the strings of wei ying’s hoodie

nhs:   cute

wn:    oh wait

       A CAR

       STRANGER DANGER ?? *siren emoji*

nhs:   NO

       i’d tell u if it was dangerous, come on

wn:    oh

       its only lan wangji

nhs:   okay now i need a blow by blow

wn:    ?

       i’m two floors above them

nhs:   okay, as much as possible

       i’m emotionally invested

wn:    they’re just talking

       i can’t hear them

       wei ying looks nervous, whats this about? :(

nhs:   oh they confessed to each other

wn:    ??!?!?!?



       they’re holding hands


       *blushy emoji x3*

nhs:   WHAT

wn:    they ,,, kith

       this is where i peace out *peace sign emoji*

nhs:   WEN NING NO


nhs:   I DONT KNOW


       okay wait they’re done

       still,,, i dont think i should be looking,, its intimate

nhs:   that’s fair

       does it look like they got their shit together

wn:    yeah?

       theyre being very sappy

       i really want ice cream now

nhs:   i got you buddy *handshake emoji*

wen qing @drwen

@yilinglaozu stop making out with ur beau on the streets and bring him up *big grin emoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

so you can give him the shovel talk?? i think NOT ?

xxc @xingchen

we just wanna make him some tea *pleased emoji*

wwx @suibian

me, waking up in cold sweat at 4 in the mornign: DOES THIS MEAN I CAN ACTUALLY MAKE OUT WITH LAN ZHAN IN MY CHILDHOOD BEDROOM

wwx @suibian

my brain genuinely cannot conceptualize the fact that i can just . kissy whenever

wwx @suibian

i’m going back to sleep

*bunny emoji* @bichen


[picture of the white animated zootopia rabbit looking extremely cute and happy]

[picture of bugs bunny all droopy with hearts all around his head]

[a photo of a cat in a bunny costume meowing to the heavens]

[a picture of the zootopia rabbit looking blissed out, laying on the floor]

*bunny emoji* @bichen

…………. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Text from mingjue

lxc:   you know i had my misgivings about wei wuxian

nmj:   yes, i am aware, xichen

       you told me


lxc:   can you blame me

nmj:   not entirely

lxc:   anyway

       i think i’m no longer worried

nmj:   oh?

lxc:   wangji looks genuinely happy

       he’s even smiling at breakfast!

       i know he met wei wuxian last night so

       correlation, causation, all that

nmj:   good for him

       does this mean you’re going to stop being voluntarily celibate

       don’t let the matchmaking aunties catch a whiff of that

lxc:   must you put it like that

nmj:   it’s the truth

lxc:   ,,, perhaps

nmj:   you’ll need a new excuse now

lxc:   sigh

       why must i deal with this

nmj:   because u are rich and handsome and single

lxc:   so are you

nmj:   yes but i am also scary :3

lxc:   *blank face emoji*

       nothing scares the matchmaking aunties

nmj:   true

       i just told them i’m tragically pining over someone and they bought it

lxc:   good cover story :o

nmj:   yes indeed

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

as a monsterfucker, i must apologize to all the cryptids and monsters as i am now in an exclusive, fully committed relationship with a human. it was fun while it lasted *blowing kiss emoji*

jiang cheng @wanyin

hey, op. what the fuck.


A Legit News Source @news

BREAKING - JIN GUANGSHAN and JIN GUANGYAO arrested for tax evasion, among other crimes.

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

to the guillotine!!!

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

off with their heads!!

lan wangji @hanguangjun

i got my first fine for double parking last night

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

mmm u sexy sexy delinquent

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

some crimes r ok

Instagram post by xingchen

[picture o f song lan i n a mall. he is wearing an orange shirt and is holding a stuffed pink elephant]

comment:   i think. Baby

Instagram post by hanguangjun

[picture of wei wuxian in a sunroom type area.  it has lots of windows with plants visible through them.  The floor is red stone.  he is crouched down and petting a cat]

comment:   *cat emoji x2* - @yilinglaozu

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah

[two pictures of yanli siting on the floor.  she is wearing a blue long sleeved top and pale wide blue jeans and red sneakers.  in the first she is holding her phone and in the second he has her arms up and is doing her hair]

*chick emoji* @luoqingyang

MY HECKIN GF!!!!!!!!!!

jiang cheng @wanyin

yes , i Am bitter and single ! no, there is no correlation between those two traits

lan xichen @zewujun

i’ll be sure to mention you when i get approached by the matchmaking aunties *pleased emoji*

huaisang @secondnie

@wanyin its not too late to accept being my trophy husband

jiang cheng @wanyin

i can take them ! >:}

group chat titled: yunmeng hero trio

jyl:   *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

       whats this i hear about being in a commit relationship

jc:    so we’re just going to ignore the monsterfucker implications?

wwx:   we don’t have to

       i can go into detail about my hard on for cryptids

       lets see

       i think moth man would be hot

jc:    please shut up

jyl:   so *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

wwx:   *eyebrow waggle kaomoji*

       i may have told lan zhan i had a crush on him yesterday

       and he may have


       apparently he likes me back *shrug kaomoji*



wwx:   no!!! i’m just !!


jyl:   of course he likes you back

wwx:   well *blushy emoji*

jc:    so you’re a Real Thing now?

       no more fake dating?

       does that mean you’re going to be a normal person at yunmeng?

wwx:   “normal” is relative

       no >:)

       its fun >:)))))

jc:    at least dress properly

wwx:   we shall see >:)

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

[picture of lan zhan. he is in an open white button down over a tshirt and is looking off into the distance. he is framed against a tree and a white sky]

[screencap of a tweet filled with emotional emojis surrounding the words he he he, he just sooo, then he just like wow, he just man oh maan *ring emoji he's a blessing *crying emoji *crown emoji*]

song lan @songlan

do you take constructive criticism?

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

@songlan no

Text from meng yao

lxc:   i saw the news, is it true?

jgy:   er-ge!

lxc:   ah, a-yao

       i’ve been worried

jgy:   sorry *sweatdrop emoji* bail just got posted

lxc:   so they let you out?

jgy:   of course but

       house arrest for now

lxc:   ah

       what happened?

       is it true

jgy:   well

       the truth is complicated

lxc:   how so?

       you know i’m always willing to listen

jgy:   i know

       the accusations are true, they have the evidence for it

lxc:   oh

       a-yao, why

jgy:   i had to

       if i didn’t i would probably be out on the streets again

       i’d lose everything i had built up

       i’ve worked too hard for all this just for some greasy old man to take it all away because he didn’t want to pay a few extra bucks to the government

       but that’s what ended up happening anyway.

       please, you have to understand

       i’m not a bad person, you know me. i just had to do certain things to survive.

lxc:   your survival came at the cost of other peoples lives

       the hush money, the catch and kill stories

jgy:   it had to be done

       er-ge. you know i’m not a bad person. you know the life i had as a child.

       please understand

lxc:   i’m trying

       but i don’t think i can

jgy:   i’ll give you some time but please think about it kindly

lxc:   i will

Morality was such a complicated, nuanced thing. It was easy to have a theoretical moral code but rarely was it possible to follow it completely. It simply wasn’t feasible in the world that existed, with its complex issues. It was always best, Lan Xichen thought, to keep an open mind and recognize morality for what it was; dubious and circumstantial.  After all, if Lan Xichen couldn’t keep such a mindset, he would have villainized his absent father and captive mother from an early age.  But he had been forced to understand that even good people did bad things for unfathomable reasons.

And so, he just simply smiled at his father when he saw him sporadically through his formative years, even as something ugly curled up inside him and wanted to hiss and spit.  He tamed the creature inside and made sure the handful of days they had with their father was as amicable as possible before the older man disappeared into seclusion again.

It made it easier to explain to Wangji why they couldn’t see their parents as often, why their mother wouldn’t leave her side of the house, why their parents weren’t like all the other parents Wangji saw.

Understanding that the actions people took were the consequences of how life had treated him - sometimes, that was the only thing that made sense to Lan Xichen when his mother’s side of the manor was suddenly silent and unwelcoming when his father’s occasional visits screeched to a halt.  He mended his broken heart by explaining to his fragile adolescent self that his parents were wounded creatures that the world had been cruel to.  That they did not mean to pass on the cruelty they had endured to their sons, that they were simply caught up with everything that life had thrown at them.  His parents were not bad people, he told the ugly, darkening creature that resided inside until it stopped snarling.  They just had bad things happen to them and as a result, made some bad choices.

Good people, bad choices.  Morality was complex.

“Hey,”  Chopsticks clanking against porcelain brought him back to the present.  Lan Xichen blinked as chatter flooded his ears and he realized that perhaps having lunch with a friend was not the best time to be philosophizing about the complexity of morality.

“Sorry,” Lan Xichen apologized, smiling fondly at Nie Mingjue’s familiar frown.  “What were you saying?”

“What’s wrong?” Nie Mingjue asked; not even bothering to answer Lan Xichen’s question.

“Must something be wrong?” Lan Xichen replied breezily. “I was simply lost in thought.”

“In thought about what?  Nie Mingjue insisted.  Lan Xichen sighed.  Of course, it would be too much to ask of his best friend to simply let it go .

“About my conversation with Meng Yao,” Lan Xichen admitted, swallowing a sigh as Nie Mingjue, predictably, froze.  Nie Mingjue had made his feelings on Meng Yao clear for a while now and while Lan Xichen had respected them, he had tried not to let other’s feelings change the was he treated someone.  Perhaps that had been his mistake.

Or perhaps not.  Morality: complex.

“What about it?” Nie Mingjue asked after a moment.  Lan Xichen didn’t keep his sigh silent this time, picking up a lotus root from his salad before letting it drop again.   “Why has that tiny man got you sighing like some maiden whose husband died at sea?”

“I spoke with him after he got bailed out,” Lan Xichen said. “I wanted to see what he had to say.”

“And what did he have to say?”  Nie Mingjue’s voice was even, as though he was actually willing to listen but his expression made it clear he knew he wasn’t going to hear something he liked.

Lan Xichen still spoke, though, because he didn’t like what he was saying either.  Yet, there was an inherent part of him that tried to spin it to make some semblance of sense.  He explained the conversation he had had with Meng Yao, ignoring the way a part of him huffed at how he would interject the explanation with some justification for his old friend’s actions.  If nothing else, at least Lan Xichen was self aware, even if trying to  change his way of thought was much, much harder.

“Before you say anything,” Lan Xichen said as he finished speaking, “I’m aware I’m being like that .”

“If by like that , you mean irritatingly pacifist and understanding, then I’m glad you’re self aware,” Nie Mingjue said.  Lan Xichen let the accusation of being irritating slide as he felt much better just having vented , even if it was to an unapethetic party that would certainly give him a piece of his mind.

“You say ‘pacifist’ like it’s a dirty word,” Lan Xichen said dryly, his appetite awoken after the long rant.

“No, I don’t,” Nie Mingjue insisted. “I admire your ability to remain neutral and find the middle ground at most times.”

“But,” Lan Xichen prompted because he knew it was coming.

“But Jin Guangyao is a piece of shit and watching you bend over backwards and doing mental gymnastics to rationalize his, frankly, evil actions is concerning, ” Nie Mingjue said bluntly.  Lan Xichen looked at Nie Mingjue, frankly a little affronted. Mental gymnastics?

“Mental gymnastics,” Lan Xichen repeated.

&ldquo0;And you still can’t stick the landing because you know  it’s wrong but it’s hard for you to break out of old habits,”  Nie Mingjue said, patting Lan Xichen’s hand, almost comfortingly despite the harsh words.  Well, he wasn’t wrong  but it still felt strange to watch someone read him like that. “Except this isn’t Meng Yao getting someone fired over a personal offence.  This is him taking part in a crime that has far-reaching consequences, even if they’re not immediately apparent.  What he did was his choice.”

“What is ‘choice’?” Xichen lamented only to falter when Nie Mingjue sent him a flat look.

“Meng Yao chose to do this.  Perhaps he felt like he didn’t have a choice, that his hand was pressed and there was, really, no other option for him.  But that doesn’t make it right .  He had a choice and he chose to ruin people’s lives.”  At some point, the hardness in Nie Mingjue’s voice had softened and the hand was a permanent,welcome weight over Lan Xichen’s.  He felt fondness blossom in his chest at the gesture, wanting to flip their hands and intertwine their fingers, wanting to see Nie Mingjue’s reaction to it, wanting to press the heavy hand to his lips and -

The words hit Lan Xichen.  Meng Yao chose to tdo this.  Even if he felt like he was in the right, it didn’t erase the fact that it was wrong.  Meng Yao chose  this.  HIs father chose to not raise his children.  HIs mother chose to take her own life.  Xichen and Wangji had been left without parental affection because of the choices their parents made.

A squeeze of his hand brought him back to the lunch table, back to Nie Mingjue who was looking on with concern.

“I understand,” Lan Xichen said, his voice coming out weaker than he had intended.  Nie Mingjue frowned.

“I-” Nie Mingjue started but then stopped, as though unsure how to continue.  Lan Xichen smiled at the adorably disgruntled face.

“I understand,” Lan Xichen repeated, this time more clearly before leaning forward to steal a mushroom from Nie Mingjue’s plate and munching on it happily.  He did understand, if not completely then more than he did a while ago.  It would take more time to comprehend it completely, and more effort to implement it ito action but - he had to start somewhere.  He would take this nugget of a breakthrough and lament on it later.

In the end, he did end up intertwining their fingers together, if only to stop Nie Mingjue swatting at his hand as he reached out to steal more vegetables from his plate.


Text from lan zhan

wwx:   lan zhan, we need to talk

lwj:   [picture of a tan cat in a brown bunny costume. it looks extremely dismayed.]

       have you already decided to break up with me

wwx:   huh



lwj:   oh


       we need to talk is a terrible way to start a conversation

wwx:   i’ll keep that in mind, darling, my lovely boyfriend i would never break up with because i’m luck to even have him

lwj:   *blushy emoji*

       no, you

wwx:   ur so cute !!!!

       wait, dont distract me

       i want to talk about the yunmeng gathering coming up

lwj:   like i said, we don’t have to go if you don’t want to

wwx:   i thought about it

       and i thought it wouldn’t want to

       but i want to

       i mean, when else would i get the chance to visit the place again, legally

lwj:   legally

wwx:   yeah, like

       if madam yu found out i was there, she’d get me arrested for trespassing *sweatdrop emoji*

       so we’ll go!

lwj:   we’ll go

wwx:   its a great place, you know!

       so beautiful!


       no more depositing me ridiculous amounts of money

lwj:   don’t kinkshame me

wwx:   LAN ZHAN.

lwj:   *puppy dog eyes emoji* *hands up emoji*

wwx:   are you really trying to convince me you get off on giving me money, because its not working

lwj:   okay fine, i won’t deposit anymore large amounts of money into your account

wwx:   why am i still suspicious

lwj:   is getting a joint account moving too fast?

wwx:   i will literally steal all your money, you don’t deserve it, just throwing it around willy nilly

lwj:   okay, i won’t press charges

wwx:   lan zhan!! ur going to go bankrupt if you let ppl treat you like this!!!

lwj:   only you

wwx:   .

       you’re part of the problem

lwj:   i’m aware

wwx:   you don’t have to pay me to be with you, i’m literally in love with you and it feels very weird accepting money anymore

lwj:   i’m not paying you

       i just want to u give u everything, like love and affection and my assets worth hundreds of thousands

wwx:   i am realizing this is the adult version of buying me mcdonalds

       lan zhan, you’re so bad with your money

lwj:   i hope wei ying can accept this fault in me *sigh emoji*

wwx:   i love you, bad financial choices and all

lwj:   i love you too

*bunny emoji* @bichen


*bunny emoji* @bichen

*triple heart smiley face emoji x59*

wwx @suibian

reasons i know capitalism is faulty: it let lan zhan handle copious amounts of money

wwx @suibian

i love his dumb rich ass *sigh emoji* i suppose everyone has faults,, its ok, i will slowly teach him the ways of the commoner

xxc @xingchen

there’s a LAKE

xxc @xingchen

@yilinglaozu THERES A PRIVATE LAKE ?

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

private lotus pods *drooling emoji x2*

hauisang @secondnie

yunmeng event thread; wei wuxian is actually on time for once

hauisang @secondnie

i’m so tired of hearing about the scandal, its physically exhausting @wanyin catch me

jiang cheng @wanyin

fall, for all i care

hauisang @secondnie

some people have no consideration

hauisang @secondnie

everyone keeps asking xichen ge about jgy, what is he, his keeper?

hauisang @secondnie

everyone wondering who the leaker is ,, so am i but i know when to stop speculating

hauisang @secondnie

da-ges glares r so cool when theyre not directed at me *smug emoji*

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i, for one, think jgy shud be in JAIL !!!!

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

“hes not a violent criminal” and !!!! i got locked up for petty crime ! JAIL FOR CORPORATIONS AND MILLIONAIRES

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

he got off easy with house arrest , JAAAILLLLL

Nostalgia had not done Lotus Pier justice.

Standing the peir, looking out into the serene pond, he realized his insistence at himself that he had been looking at Lotus Pier through rose-tinted glasses, that he shouldn’t miss it as much as he desperately did, had been nothing but an elaborate lie.  If anything, his sparkling memory dulled in the face of the actual destination.

A cool breeze picked up, sliding past his nape as Wei Wuxian closed his eyes, breathing in the clean air.  Even though the distance was less than an 80 minute drive, he felt as though he was worlds away from the blaring horns and constant movement of a smog filled city.  He would treasure it for as long as he would be allowed to have it.  Which, going by Madam Yu’s increasingly tight grip on her glass, wasn’t going to be much longer.  Years aaway from Wei Wuxian had not softened her; Wei Wuxian could hardly blame her.  Wei Wuxian had been a brat, sullying what should have been her idyllic life.

“Wei Ying,” a soft voice called from behind him, clear in the relative silence around them.  A smile automatically tugged at Wei Wuxian’s lips and he made no effort to tamp it down as he turned.

And oh, what a sight for sore eyes greeted him .  His ( his! ) Lan Zhan, against the backdrop of his childhood home, looking at him ( him!! ) so tenderly.  The gaze wasn’t anything new and Wei Wuxian was a fool to have missed it for so long.  Lan Zhan looked, as he always did, stunning.  Even more so as Wei Wuxian noted that his tie was slightly loosened, and his hair wasn’t quite  in place.  Perfect excuses for Wei Wuxian to step into Lan Zha’s space, one hand reaching up to smooth a rebellious strand and the other resting on Lan Zhan’s chest.  It would move to fix the tie - soon.  Eventually.

“I leave you alone for 15 minutes,” Wei Wuxian chided, his tone light and teasing, the smile never quite being able to leave his face. “And look at you!”

Lan Zhan’s deadpan look in response was absolutely delightful.

“I didn’t realize there was something amiss,”  Lan Zhan said, raising an eyebrow.

“Of course!” Wei Wuxian insisted. “Look at this hair! And the tie! Comparatively, you look absolutely debauched, Hanguang-jun!”

Unwittingly, an image of what Lan Zhan would look like if he truly  looked like the true meaning of the word debauched appeared in his mind.  He appreciated it for a moment but pushed it aside.

“Oh, no,”  Lan Wangji continued blandly, even as his hands settled on Wei Wuxian’s waist.  “Then I supposed it’s best if we don’t show our ruined selves to the general public right now.”

“of course,” Wei Wuxian nodded seriously, “It’s best to stay out here until we are more presentable.”

The press of lips that followed was quick and chaste, too hindered by Wei Wuxian’s massive fucking grin to become deeper.  Still, it didn’t stop him from pressing his forehead against Lan Zhan’s, content to breathe the same air, noses brushing in childlike kisses.  Most of the earlier nerves melted away as he breathed in the humid lake air.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said as he pulled away, wanting to quite literally eat his fist at the discontent noise his boyfriend ( his boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!! ) made.  He intertwined their fingers instead as consolation. “Do you want to see something?”

Lan Zhan looked at him inquisitively but nodded, fingers tightening in his as Wei Wuxian bounded forward.  He had so much to show Lan Zhan.

He pulled him towards the pier, making him crouch to see the lotus plants.  He almost reached forward to pluck one out before freezing, realizing that the plants were no longer his to take.  He covered his faux pas with an awkward laugh, but he didn’t let Lan Zhan’s discerning look sway him as he pulled him up, dragging him instead towards a spot where Wei Wuxian knew they could see some fish.  It took a bit of patience, Wei Wuxian assured Lan Zhan as no fish made any appearance in the shallow, clear water.  The fish were probably shy!  It couldn’t be that Wei Wuxian had been gone for so long, the natural fauna had migrated elsewhere, that he no longer really knew  Lotus Pier   anymore.

As the water remained agitatedly empty of fish, Wei Wuxian’s gaze caught on the wooden fence.  In particular, the defacement of the fence.

“Lan Zhan, look,” Wei Wuxian pointed at the characters scraped into the wood.  A bold Wei Wuxian  stood out, carved the deepest but on futher inspection, a neat Jiang Yanli  was visible above Wei Wuxian’s own name and a Jiang Cheng  under it, the latter name somehow carved neatly but infused with the bearings of an impatient scrawl.  Or perhaps that was simply Wei Wuxian imposing Jiang Cheng’s character onto his carvings. “We did that as teenagers when Shijie graduated. Funnily enough, we never got caught for it.  It’s probably why it’s still here.”  Wei Wuxian looked at Lan Zhan, who was looking at the carvings with an impossibly soft expression.  Wei Wuxian gently pressed his shoulder against Lan Zhan’s, grabbing his attention.  “Has the venerated Hanguang-jun ever defaced private property?”

“The venerated Hanguang-jun has defaced public property,”  Lan Zhan replied and Wei Wuxian couldn’t keep in his gasp, the sound not even voluntary.  His Lan Zhan, a delinquent .  That was so hot.

“Do tell,” Wei Wuxian urged, pressing closer, relishing in the fact that he could.  The instinctual expectancy to be pushed away melted when Lan Zhan settled against him, a solid warm mass.

“It was when I was 14 and Xichen-ge was 16.  Uncle was away and Xichen-ge had… procured some alcohol,”  Lan Zhan said.  Wei Wuxian gasped appropriately.  The Twin Jades of Lan! Drinking underage! The scandal! “I found out when he burst into my room and started squishing my face and such.  I thought he was deliriously ill before I saw the bottle in his hand.”

“Straight out of the bottle!” Wei Wuxian laughed.  He would have thought it would have been sipped tentatively out of a cocktail glass or a champagne flute.  Perhaps even a quarter filled glass of whiskey. “And he let you drink?”

“He was pretty out of it,”  Lan Zhan shrugged.   “He was still in the joyous high phase of his drunken stupor.  He hadn’t reached the next, more depressing stage yet and saw no issue with allowing his precious younger brother experience the highs as well.”

“Oh. no,” Wei Wuxian said with dread, though he smiled fondly at the imagery. “Does Zewu-jun become a sobbing drunk?”

“Yeah, he does,”  Lan Zhan said, his tone light but his eyes heavy, a thousand miles (or 14 years) away.  Wei Wuxian sobered, remembering the Lan Xichen inside the house in the present day, they way his face was closed off, the way his eyes almost looked hunted as people talked about the Jin scandal and asked Lan Xichen about his opinion.  His polite smiles that didn’t quite reach his eyes,  the way he had become a little less giving with his warmth.

But he also saw the way Lan Xichen waded through the crowd with Nie Mingjue’s protective hand on him, an inappropriate question not long after followed by Nie Mingjue’s gruff snaps.  Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue had always gravitated towards each other, had always been seated next to each other; it wasn’t unlikely for Wei Wuxian to overhear them talking to people about the other’s company as though it was their own.  But this event was different, with Lan Xichen just a bit too vulnerable, resulting in a Nie Mingjue whose priorities were a bit too blatant.  Wei Wuxian really hoped it would make them come to their senses - he was sure Nie Huaisang was cooking up something .  It would be absolutely criminal if he wasn’t, considering the prime time.

“Oh, look,” Lan Zhan said and Wei Wuxian guiltily stopped thinking about his boyfriend’s brother’s love life.  He really was spending too much time with Nie Huaisang.  Lan Zhan nodded at the water, which now had three fish wiggling about.

Relief flooded Wei Wuxian and he tightened his grip on Lan Zhan, let he fall.  He knew  there would be fish there.  He still knew Lotus Pier.  His throat felt heavy as he gazed down at the familiar sight, frozen in case any movement destroyed the mirage.

They’re cute,” Lan Zhan offered and Wei Wuxian swallowed, gratefully latching on to the comforting timbre of his voice.

“Delicious too!” Wei Wuxian replied, a snicker bubbling out of his lips when Lan Zhan looked at him, affronted.  “Don’t worry, Lan Zhan.  I’m full right now!”

Lan Zhan didn’t dignify him with a response, but Wei Wuxian didn’t mind.  He could talk enough for the two of them, content in being able to feel the vibrations of Lan Zhan’s hums of acknowledgement from where they were pressed together.

Wei Wuxian talked about the fish and then, as his eyes began to wander, he began regaling tales of the past on the pier, walking by familiar spots where the ghosts of the past would play out their routine in front of his eyes.  Wei Wuxian didn’t have the best memory, even without the damage his brain had gotten at 18 but he would be loath to forget these moments.  He pulled Lan Zhan towards the different places, talking loudly about how he would spend evenings with his sister under that specific tree as they both hid away from the world of expectations.  He talked about the swing set Jiang Cheng and him had built with Uncle Jiang and how Wei Wuxian had purposefully lagged behind to let Jiang Cheng shine.  Even as a child, he knew to do these things and it was only as an adult that he realized it was unfair to force that decision upon a child because an adult couldn’t parent properly.

He tore his mind away from those thoughts and continued, a million fragmented memories from here and there and especially there, until his feet lead him to an all too familiar door.  He stopped beside it and Lan Zhan stopped with him.  He remembered his own comment about making out with Lan Zhan inside his childhood home and the thought made him both smile and flush.

A nefarious smile bloomed on his face and he shot Lan Zhan a look.  Lan Zhan looked back with an expression that told him he was fully aware that Wei Wuxian was on some shit.

“Oh, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian proclaimed, feigning exhaustion and throwing the door open.  “Let’s rest for a while, all that talking has left me absolutely fatigued!”

“Fatigued,”  Lan Zhan murmured in derision as he was pulled into the room.  The door closed behind them and it took only a moment for Wei Wuxian’s hand to find the light switch.

Wei Wuxian’s breath caught in his throat.

Nothing had changed.

The room wasn’t particularly luxurious, a room in the outer skirts of the manor, near the servent’s quarters.  It had been, originally, a maid’s room which came with its own tiny washroom.  Wei Wuxian had moved into it when Madam Yu went from vindictively not wanting to spare the child its own room and making him sleep in JIang Cheng’s room to “not wanting the child to influence JIang Cheng” and driving him to the corners of the house.  At the time, Wei Wuxian had been pretty bummed about it, since he enjoyed staying with JIang Cheng and despite Jiang Cheng’s petulant exterior, he knew they worked well together as roommates.

Over time, of course, Wei Wuxian learned to appreciate having his own pace, especially as he hit puberty.  He still, however, did not appreciate it being so far away from his siblings.

Wei Wuxian shook his head, trying to scatter those thoughts away and flinging himself on the bed.  The sheets smelled clean and the place was dustless, which Wei Wuxian tried not to think too hard about.  He had pulled his hand away from Lan Zhan to do so and he sat up again after a moment, missing the warm presence beside him already.  He sat on the edge of the bed,leaning back and throwing  a seductive look at Lan Zhan - well, Lan Zhan’s back.  Wei Wuxian deflated as he realized his boyfriend, instead of looking at him , was looking around Wei Wuxian’s room.

When Wei Wuxian had left, he had taken the necessities with him, as well as a few sentimental tokens.  That meant that the room still held a significant part of his childhood and adolescence, from the posters to the books and CD’s on the shelves to the figurines.  Even his computer was still on its desk, though switched off.  Lan Zhan had taken to looking at Wei Wuxian’s bookshelf and Wei Wuxian whined.

When Lan Zhan looked back at him, Wei Wuxian wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, patting the space next to him.  Lan Zhan looked at him for a beat longer before turning away again, fingers trailing down the spines of books.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian whined, almost petulantly stomping his feet on the ground.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan replied evenly but Wei Wuxian could hear the amusement lying underneath.  He huffed and pushed himself off the bed, marching over to where Lan Zhan stood.

“Whats so interesting here?” Wei Wuxian asked in a huff.  He just wanted his god damn kissy and, in the short span of a few days, had become very unaccustomed to it being refused to him.

“You are,” Lan Zhan replied and well.  Wei Wuxian didn’t flush when he realized Lan Zhan was looking over the memorabilia with such focus because  it was his .  He didn’t .

“Shut up,” Wei Wuxian muttered and then took it upon himself to ensure Lan Zhan did just that, a hand on Lan Zhan’s jaw making him turn his face towards Wei Wuxian.  They were of similar enough height that Wei Wuxian didn’t have to move much to press his lips against Lan Zhan’s, this kiss intentionally less chaste.

Lan Zhan immediately responded, turning completely, his hands already making themselves at home as one carded itself into Wei Wuxian’s hair and another rested on his hip, pulling him closer.  Wei Wuxian leaned into the kiss, body and soul, pressing Lan Zhan against the bookshelf as he tugged his bottom lip between his teeth.  He knew the bookshelf would be fine, it was sturdy - and if not, well… Lessons would be learnt.  It would be worth it, Wei Wuxian reasoned as he manhandled Lan Zhan against the bookshelf, pressing them ever closer as the kisses got open mouthed and a little messy.

Lan Zhan’s grip on his was tight but the soft sounds that fell out of him were soft and deliciously unintentional.  Suddenly, Wei Wuxian was glad for his room far away from the main house, far away from any potential interruptions as he licked his way into a yielding mouth and -

And he jinxed himself as they both startled as Lan Zhan’s phone started ringing.  Wei Wuxian’s heart was already beating erratically and Lan Zhan was in no better condition from the way his breathing was harsh.  He took out his phone from his pocket, seeing the caller ID and smiled.  Wei Wuxian followed his gaze.

It still baffled Wei Wuxian that preteens these days had mobile phones but he rarely commented on it, lest his hag status be revealed.  And besides, if any preteen deserved a mobile phone, it was Lan Sizhui.  Lan Zhan answered and the conversation that ensued was soft both in tone and volume.  Wei Wuxian waited it out with his arms around Lan Zhan’s waist and his chin resting on his shoulder.  The hand that Lan Zhan didn’t have to hold his phone to his ear was running through Wei Wuxian’s hair soothingly.

Wei Wuxian could get used to this.

“A-yuan wants to go home,”  Lan Zhan said after he hung up.  Wei Wuxian hummed in acknowledgement, moving to step away from the warm embrace but a firm hand on his lower back kept him in place.  He looked at Lan Zhan quizzically.   “Come with us?”

Wei Wuxian tried to keep the probably disturbingly large grin off his face, but the effort was fruitless.  He nodded and Lan Zhan finally let him step away.  Taking Lan Zhan’s hand, he spared his old room one last glance, unsure of when he’d see it again, if ever, and then switched off the light, stealing one last kiss from Lan Zhan before leading him out the door

The walk back towards the main house was quieter, Wei Wuxian’s incessant chattering absent as they leisurely strolled back towards the noise and bright lights.  On their journey, though, Wei Wuxian spotted something and paused.  He tugged Lan Zhan back and made exaggerated hushing gestures.  He deserved the unimpressed look he got from his silent companion.  He then pointed at the scene that had caught his eyes and was smug when a soft, surprised “oh,”  escaped Lan Zhan.

Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue were easily distinguishable, even in the limited light of the pier at night.  Both were ridiculously, unnecessarily tall too.  They stood not far from where Lan Zhan and Wei Wuxian themselves had stood, standing almost at the tip of the pier, and not much further apart either.  If Wei Wuxian didn’t know them, wasn’t painfully aware of their lack of comprehension of their own feelings, he would think they were a couple, sharing intimate words under the moonlight.  That is, of course, until Lan Xichen took a step back, crossing arms.  Wei Wuxian was too far away to hear them or even make out their expressions but the change in body language was evident.

“Oh, brother,”  Lan Zhan sighed beside him in disappointment, seeing his brother put up another wall.  Wei Wuxian squeezed his hand in comfort before looking back from a final glance, only to find the scene had changed.  In the step Lan Xichen had taken back, Nie Mingjue had stepped forward, back into his best friend’s space.  A moment, where they could practically feel Lan Xichen’s confusion from across the pier, before he took another step back.  Nie Mingjue took another step forward.

Lan Xichen’s defensive stance had softened as his head tilted to look at Nie Mingjue.  The next step he took back was experimental, lacking the previous need for distance and escape.  Again, he was followed.  Another step back.  Another step forward.

Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan realized there were no more steps to take back before Lan Xichen did and the yelp as his foot nearly hit water instead of the pier could be heard by the onlookers as well.  Luckily, Nie Mingjue was there to encircle his arms around the older Lan’s waist and keep him on the pier.  Wei Wuxian gasped and clutched Lan Zhan’s arm as time seemed to freeze for the two on the pier.

“Please kiss, please kiss, please kiss,” Wei Wuxian whispered fervently.  If nothing else, for the sake of the drama!  The looked straight out a romance scene, with Lan Xichen’s arms draped over Nie Mingjue’s borad shoulders, with Nie Mingjue’s hands around Lan Xichen’s waist keeping them pressed together - it would be a crime  to let such an organically cheesy moment go to waste! “Please kiss!”

He was sure they hadn’t heard him - for one, they were too far and for another, he was sure they were too engrossed in each other to pay much heed to their surroundings anymore.

But they complied  and Wei Wuxian didn’t realize that the high pitched squeal was coming from him as they actually kissed  until Lan Zhan put a hand over Wei Wuxian’s mouth.  Probably for the best, since Wei Wuxian was sure the pair on the pier would pull apart if they heard Wei Wuxian’s wails.

“They’re kissing,” Wei Wuxian informed Lan Zhan in wonder.  Wow.  He hadn’t actually expected it to happen.

“I’m aware,” Lan Zhan replied, a happy undercurrent in his voice even as he began to move, tugging Wei Wuxian away from the scene.  Which was fair - the couple had parted but they were still pressed against each other, foreheads pressing and the moment somehow seemed even more intimate, so much so that Wei Wuxian vaguely felt like a voyeur for continuing to look.  He looked away and let Lan Zhan lead him away, irrevocably happy.  Lord, Nie Huaisang had really made him become ridiculously invested in that relationship, hadn’t he?

In a few moments, he would be back in the main hall, with the party still in full swing, where he’d see his friends and family and feel warmth curl up contently inside him, where he’d see ostentatious wealth but would feel a little less wrong in his skin with Xingchen there to be snarky with.  Inside, where A-yuan would run over to them in sheer, childish joy, where his brother would reprimand him for disappearing.  INside, where old memories still wandered and where he could make new ones tonight.

All that, and more, could perhaps wait a few moments longer as Wei Wuxian dug his heels in, a smile blooming on his face as Lan Zhan looked at him in adorable confusion.  For now, he would leap into Lan Zhan’s arms, sure that he would be caught, his laugh resounding around them, enjoying a final moment of calm under the moonlight.

Perhaps making someone with a net worth of about a billion cry could wait just a few moments.

Are you sure you want to delete this Tweet?

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

want to skip that long, insulting conversation about how youre still single? about how your parents really want more grand children? well, look no further!

wei wuxian @yilinglaozu

i am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree, and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like a demonic flute. i can play anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if i shave. I’m a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you’d like to have me as your strictly platonic date for the holiday, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, i’m game.


Instagram Post by yilinglaozu

[an artsy photo of two shadows.  They are holding hands.]

comment:   hehe - @hanguangjun