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Chapter 8: Facing Backwards

Summary:

The city goes by them, and it’s mundane, yet they are living in one of the greatest moments of their lives. Even in miracles, the ordinary continues to happen.

Notes:

Content Warnings:

 

Referenced/Implied Self-Harm

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Her body crashes into his, and he understands this is a dream. If it was real, his knees would have given out in relief as he sobbed her name. Despite how real it all feels, he knows that soon he will wake up and realize it is 1:30 in the morning, and he has another five hours before he has to get up for work. Soon the edges of this vision will become blurry, and it will all end. But Ray takes in this moment as much as possible and hugs her tightly. For as long as his subconscious will allow, he will hold onto her. He presses his face into her hair and inhales her sent, different than he remembers, he feels warm tears against his face and momentarily thinks how his eyes will be crusty when he wakes.

Her hands grasp tightly at his back, and Ray can’t seem to remember a dream that had so much physical sensation. Never before has he been able to feel warmth from a dream, or the way her hair tickles his face or the way she continually grabs at his back with her fingers, trying to get as much of him as possible. He notices that she’s wearing his scarf, he touches it hesitantly and notes how it feels the same as when he was a child. It makes this dream so much harder to let go of.

“Ray, Ray, Ray,” she chants through tears like a prayer.

“I wish you were real,” he whispers into her neck.

“I’m real Ray, I’m here, I’m here,” Emma is crying as she pulls away to look at him. 

“Emma?” Ray begins to wonder how this could be a dream. She looks nothing like he remembers. Her hair is longer, clothing different, limbs lengthy and curved in ways he’s never seen in a dream before. There is only one way to confirm: he reaches up and pushes aside some of her hair to see it. She always has her ear in his dreams, it’s how he knows it’s not real, but when he moves her hair, the cartilage is missing.  

He snatches his hand away and gasps, “Emma!

“I’ve missed you so much, Ray,” she barrels into him again, hugging with all of her force. 

Ray pulls her into him as much as possible. His breath is coming out in ragged chokes as he cries loudly and openly. He lifts her as he continues to hold her, and she squeezes tighter in response. The sound of bystander’s cuts into his hearing, but Ray doesn’t care. The only thing that matters in the entire world is holding Emma and knowing that she is real. After a long moment, he puts her back down but doesn’t fully let her go. Emma looks up at him, eyes teary, and smiling in a way that only she can. 

“What… How – how are you here?” He breaths.

“There was a clause, a condition, and we did it. Everyone did it, and I’m here now, I’m here, and I get to stay.”

“Stay, you can stay? In this world?” Ray is confused and elated all at once. 

“In this world.”

“For how long?” His voice cracks brokenly. He fears that this will be a short-lived experience, and Ray isn’t sure he can handle losing her again. He begins mentally building armour; a second goodbye will kill him. 

“Forever,” she says, hugging him again and pulling his head down onto her shoulder. She softly strokes his hair. 

“Forever,” he repeats, armour shattering before it is entirely constructed. 

Forever.”

______________________________

He doesn’t know what to say. Soft jazz fills the room as the two of them sit at the kitchen table. Ray watches as Emma takes a curious sip from her mug, her face scrunches with displeasure, then she puts it down further away from her than before. He smiles and takes a sip of his own coffee. She looks around the kitchen to take the space in. Ray wonders what she thinks of it. He feels self-conscious as she continues to examine the apartment. The light grey walls suddenly feel lame, the red cupboards too aggressive, the linoleum cheap. He starts to lightly tap his finger on the table. 

Emma looks at Ray and notices that his eyes are in a faraway place. “I like your home, Ray,” she says. 

“Hm? Sorry, what?” Ray blinks and looks at her. 

“Your home, it’s nice. So different than anywhere we stayed in the demon world,” she pauses for a moment, then excitedly, “do you have your own bedroom? We never had that, did we?”

“Yea, we all have our own rooms,” Ray tells her. 

“Oh, right! Norman and Phil live here, too! Well, can I see?”

“See?” he falters. 

“Yea, show me your room, I bet it’s full of books!” Emma stands and smiles brightly at him. 

Ray stands too, then gestures for her to follow him down the hallway. “This is mine,” he opens the door and lets her walk in. 

“Wow!” she exclaims as she glances around. Slowly Emma walks to one of the bookshelves, her hands drag methodically along the spines as she reads the titles. Ray is anxious for a moment when she glances at the open notebook on his desk, she saunters over and closes it carefully before up looking at the ivy he has growing from a hanging basket. Emma reaches to gently touch the leaves before turning to examine the rest of the room. Then her eyes lock on the bulletin board that hangs above his bed, he watches emotions flash across her face as she looks at all of the photos.  

Displayed for Emma to see are pictures taken since they all arrived in the human world. Birthdays, camping trips, graduations, pranks, and ordinary days. She takes in all that she missed, and a tear runs down her face. 

“Emma,” Ray says. He is next to her now and offers a tissue. She accepts it and dabs at her eye. 

“I’m so glad you’ve all made such wonderful lives for yourselves,” she tells him. Her eyes are still locked on the board, looking at the memories.  

Ray isn’t sure what to say in response, so he hums gently. 

Emma approaches his bed to get a better look at the pictures. She pauses, then softly grazes her fingertips against the duvet. Ray desperately wants to know what she is thinking about. Emma sits and then smiles at him. 

“You never asked further about how I’m here,” Emma comments. 

“I thought we would wait for Norman,” he responds. 

“Maybe that’s better,” she says wistfully. 

Once again, Ray isn’t sure what to say. Never once did he think he would see Emma again, and now, at twenty-five years old, she is sitting on his bed. Nothing could have prepared Ray for this, and he frets that soon he will dive into a deep panic. He counts internally in an attempt to stay level. 

“Are you going to sit?” Emma asks. 

“Fourteen,” Ray says. Then his entire face flushes red as he tries to sputter a proper answer out. 

Emma laughs, “is that some sort of human world expression I don’t know about?” 

“Hah, it’s umm, more of a me thing,” he walks over and sits next to her. 

He’s nervous. It’s been a long time since they saw each other, and Ray wonders about countless things. She doesn’t have a societal life here yet, doesn’t know about how advanced everything here is compared to what they thought from books published in 2015. She doesn’t know him anymore. 

“You’ve gotten really tall, Ray,” Emma says. “I was never really sure of how tall I was until I washed up on that beach. I think I might be considered short.”

“Don’t worry, I can reach everything you can’t, so you’ll be fine,” Ray tells her. He wonders about the beach comment but knows it can wait.

“Does that mean you’re going to be with me all the time?” She looks at him. 

Ray chokes on his spit, “i-if, you need me, I’ll try to be there.”

She hums a response then leans into his shoulder. Ray tenses momentarily. 

“Emma, can I ask what it was like in the realm with N&@8 ,” he says. 

“Okay.”

After a long pause, he asks, “what was life like in the realm with N&@8 ?” 

“Lonely at first,” she whispers. “He only appeared when he desired, mostly I floated around the space. I spent a lot of time sleeping in the early days. Or, I suppose years.”

“You were there the entire time?” Ray looks down at her head, still resting on his shoulder. 

“Technically. After a few years, I learned how to morph the room to show me my memories and desires. Similarly to when you and I were trying to discover N&@8 ’s realm. I could see things that I wanted, to a degree. You all were off-limits, your futures too entrenched in the unknown, I was told. But memories. Those are mine, so I visited them often. 

“One time, I spent so long living at the base with you, Yuugo, and everyone that I’d forgotten I wasn’t actually there. When the vision finally glitched out, N&@8 was waiting to tell me, it had been five months. 

“On rare occasions, I could feel the sensation of touch, or the warmth of the sun on my skin. More often than not, when I actively tried to feel physical sensation, the world would change, and I would be somewhere else, somewhere I didn’t want to be.” She stops talking then. 

Ray takes in all of the information she is giving him. She was isolated for over eleven years. Floating in space alone, he wouldn’t have survived, he thinks. Or perhaps, knowing that his family was safe would have made it bearable. 

“When I learned the condition… are you sure you don’t want to talk about that? I can tell it again when I see Norman. I’ll have to tell it a lot, I think,” Emma looks up at him. 

He wants to know, “tell me.”

“The condition was that everyone had to move on:If your family can move on, then, you shall find yourself in the Human World, the last being to go through the portal.That’s what N&@8 told me. Everyone had to let go and not be held back by their pas-”

“Oh, god, Emma. I’m so sorry,” Ray cuts her off. He stands and paces the room, gripping his hair. Fuck, he thinks. Emma could have been here so much sooner, if only he hadn’t taken so long to move on. If only he had done the work with Dr. Hao sooner. If only, if only, if only. Ray’s ears ring, and he can sense a panic attack coming, Ray knows he needs to sit before his vision goes black and he collapses to the ground. A brief thought of how him acting this way will affect Emma strikes him, but he’s too gone to really care. 

Hands slap against his cheeks, “Ray!” Emma yells. 

“It’s my fault,” he grimaces. 

“Ray, no, it’s not, it’s not your fault,” she tells him. Her hands are squeezing his face hard, but he doesn’t mind. “I couldn’t move on,” she says. 

It stops then. The words break through the ringing of his ears, and he hears her. She couldn’t move on either. He hears her speak again. 

“I was living in those memories, just waiting to be reunited with you, with everyone, every day for years. Living in the past and not trying to move on. Not even attempting it, by the time I realized that I was included in that clause, it had been almost eleven years, I spent a few months trying to work it all out after that, focusing on what moving on was to me. But, it was me, I was the problem.”

“Emma,” Ray stutters his words, “it was me too. It took me so long to do it. To accept and embrace what happened, all that I saw… To accept losing you.”  

Emma releases his face. She sits on the bed and throws her back against it. Ray notices how her toes just touch the floor. He hears her inhale and figures that she will blame him now. But Emma laughs. She laughs so genuinely that Ray wonders again if this is all just a dream. 

“Of course, it was both of us,” she chuckles, “of course we were the problem.” Her tone is light. 

Ray sits next to her again. He leans on his side, props his chin on his palm, and looks down at her. She’s beautiful, he thinks. Emma is still laughing, her entire body shaking as she does so. After a moment, she ceases and looks up at Ray. 

Some of her hair has fallen into her face, so Ray takes his right hand and gently brushes it aside. She stops moving at the gesture. Emma looks away from Ray’s face for a second to glance at the hand, resting against the side of her head. She grabs it and examines the pink scar that runs across his palm. She doesn’t say anything and releases it. Tentatively, Ray puts his hand back near her face and grazes his thumb along her jaw. She looks at his face again, but Ray can’t read her; he doesn’t know if this okay. The greedy part of him wants to hold her forever, so he won’t forget that she’s real and actually here. He doesn’t want to let go ever again. His hand is in her hair now, softly twining it around his fingers. 

He feels her hand bump against the forearm that is supporting his head. Her fingers are soft as they hesitantly touch him. Ray doesn’t know how to proceed here. Does he ask her to continue her story, does he tell her his, does he…? Her hand pushes upwards and reaches his face, he lifts it from his hand and lets her cradle his jaw instead. Emma’s hand lightly pulls his head towards her, and she rises slightly. Ray feels hot and worries that the hand in her hair is sweaty. Their faces are much closer now, and just as Emma starts to close her eyes – the front door crashes open loudly. Ray jerks back and yelps. Emma pulls back and lays flat on the bed again, blushing. 

“Ray!” the panicked voice of Norman echoes through the house. 

Emma shoots up at the sound. “Norman,” she urgently whispers. Then she’s running down the hall. Ray sits shocked for a moment before following her.

“Emma?” he hears Norman brokenly choke. Then a thump. 

Ray walks into the kitchen and sees that Emma has toppled Norman over, she is on top of him, and he is staring wide-eyed and teary at the ceiling. Ray understands the feeling. 

“Norman, oh, Norman! I’ve missed you so much!” Emma cries. 

“Ray, he – he said there was an emergency, I…” Norman trails off. 

“It’s a unique emergency,” Ray declares. He walks over to them and sits on the floor near their heads. He pats Norman’s hair, and Norman glances at him before looking at the orange hair that is splayed against his chest. 

“Emma,” Norman says again, and he wraps his arms around her to give a proper hug. 

They pull apart after a moment, and Emma finally looks at Norman. Ray watches as she pieces together how different his appearance is, how old he looks. Briefly, he wonders if she will ask Norman about it, but she doesn’t. Instead, Emma rolls off of Norman and sits on the floor with Ray. Norman does too. The three of them sit together as they once did under a tall tree, they sit together on the linoleum floor and pretend it is grass, they sit together and think how they haven’t been this way in nearly twelve years. This has been missing for almost half of their lives, and finally, it is back. 

“This isn’t a dream, right?” Norman breaks the silence. 

“I thought that too,” Ray tells Norman. “But, Emma, she is really here. This is real.”

“It’s real, Norman,” Emma leans into his shoulder, proving her existence through touch. 

“How is this even possible?” Norman asks calculatingly. 

Emma catches him up, and Ray listens to the story for the second time today. When Emma stops taking, Norman is silent. Ray recognizes that face, Norman is running through the practical implications of this. Of the story and of Emma being here now, how they will have to go forward now. 

“How long have you been here? And how did you find Ray?” Norman questions eventually. 

“I washed up on a beach less than a week ago. Some man found me and then another came to get me, after that, I was taken to a hospital or something and asked a lot of questions. They called me a Lost Human ?” Emma looks to Ray when she says that. 

“That’s what they call us all,” he fills her in. 

“Yea, they said that, but it still seems so weird. But then umm, they got as much information as they could from me. I didn’t talk much about N&@8 , it felt like something I should keep to myself. When I gave them your name, Ray, and number, they were able to provide me with some information about you. I think knowing your number is why they disclosed any information at all. 

“And that’s about all. I’ve been living at a monitored apartment as they get all my documents in order. I was told this is all a little hush-hush, considering there hasn’t been any new Lost Humans since you all originally washed up. They also said because of the excellent leadership, you all demonstrated the procedures to get me integrated will be relatively smooth. I’ll need a sponsor or something? One of the current Lost Humans, and then after adjusting to things, I’ll be allowed to live like you guys.” She catches her breath after saying all of that.  

Ray and Norman sit silently and think about what this means. Emma has been here for about a week, and the governments know, the steps to create an identity are already in the works, and it seems that she’ll be allowed to live freely just as they all do. 

“Can Ray and I go back with you to the monitored housing and speak with some of these officials? Since we both have experience with this procedure,” Norman inquires. 

“Of course, I think that would be extremely helpful,” Emma states. 

“So down to business, Norman,” Ray teases. 

“This is a big deal!” Norman snaps back. 

“No fighting! It’s my first week in the human world, so no fighting,” Emma declares, wrapping her arms around both of them and pulling them lower to her level. 

“Okay, okay,” Ray relents, and Norman laughs. 

Ray’s phone dings with a notification, he pulls it from his pocket to see who messaged him. 

“It’s from Phil,” he informs the other two. “He wants to know if he can stay at a friend’s place tonight.”

Norman looks at Emma and sees that her face is a mixture of elation and sadness. Ray notices it too, he knows Emma wants to see Phil, but he does wonder if today is the right time. 

“You should let him go!” Emma cheers, “today has been a lot and maybe seeing him tomorrow would be better for me. Is that too selfish?” 

“No, I think you’re right,” Norman says. 

“Okay, I’ll tell him it’s fine then,” Ray says before typing a response to Phil. 

“Should we take you home?” Norman asks.

“Okay,” Emma stands and reaches her hands out for the men to grab. They both allow her to pull them up. 

“I wonder if the housing spots are still the same,” Norman says, looking down to meet Emma’s gaze. 

“Is your place on Nova?” Ray asks.

“Yea!” Emma responds.

Norman laughs, “that was where they had us too.”

Together they all go to Emma’s housing; the bus ride is long, but they wish it was longer. The city goes by them, and it’s mundane, yet they are living in one of the greatest moments of their lives. Even in miracles, the ordinary continues to happen. He notes how the orange of the sky resembles Emma’s hair, but this time he doesn’t need to imagine the colour, he can look at her, sitting on the seat beside him. He catches Norman’s eye, and they share everything through the eye contact. 

The bus stops, and the three of them get off to begin the short walk to the Nova housing down the block. Emma fills the silence with questions for Norman, and he answers enthusiastically. Ray is content to listen and watch the interaction. 

After a few minutes, they reach the tall slate building, it’s just as Ray remembers it. He hasn’t been here since he, Norman, and Phil left together on a rainy Saturday, bags in hand. Norman says something that Ray doesn’t catch, and then he is pulled into reality when Emma embraces him. Ray looks down her and, after a moment, hugs her too. 

“The offices are already closed, I guess,” she says, “why don’t you two come by in the morning and we can talk with the officials then.”

“Okay, is ten, alright?” Norman asks. 

“Perfect!” Emma smiles, she looks at Norman then Ray and says, “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Bye, Emma,” Norman responds, pulling her and Ray into a group hug. 

“Bye,” Ray says hollowly. 

The men watch Emma enter the building and wait for the door to close before walking away. Dusk overtakes the sky as they silently walk back to the bus stop. Nothing is said the entire way home, and while on the journey with Emma, Ray had wanted the trip to be longer, now he wishes it would end. He desperately wants to be home and alone. Ray unknowingly taps his finger on his thigh the entire ride. 

Back home, Norman locks the door then sighs loudly. 

“I never once thought this would be a reality,” he says to Ray. 

“Yea, I…” Ray trails off. 

“We have to tell everyone. How do we even begin to do that? How will people react?” Norman is rambling as he removes his jacket, “will all of this be too much for her. Ray, are you okay?”

“Hmm, yea. I’m tired. That’s all,” Ray responds, “I think I need to decompress and process this all. I’m going to bed. Night.”

“Okay… Goodnight, Ray.” Norman sounds hesitant. 

He walks away from Norman, heart pounding in his ears, and enters his room. The door shuts tightly behind him, and Ray exhales slowly. His legs give out, and he slides against the door into a slumped position. Everything comes flooding out of him all at once, thoughts, regrets, tears. 4251. It’s been 4251 days since he last saw Emma, he had figured out the numbers on the bus ride back. 

4251 days without touching, hearing, or seeing Emma. She had changed yet was the same all at once. But Ray, he knows that he’s changed. He had to. The acid in his stomach lurches and Ray worries he’ll throw up, but it passes and then transforms into full anxiety. Instantly his vision begins to darken, and his ears are loudly buzzing. Today was too much, and he didn’t realize that until now. Seeing someone he had never expected to see again, someone he agonized over for years, someone he still loves. He moved on. He let go. He was living a new life, and now, that life has been changed radically. Ray heaves a loud cry and feels frustrated that he can’t be happy for once. Why can’t he be satisfied? He has just reunited with his best friend, and yet he is sitting alone in his room, having one of the worst panic attacks of his life. 

His eyes catch sight of a crumpled tissue on the floor near his bed. Ray’s breathing rapidly picks up, and he knows he should ground himself. Ray doesn’t want this to end, though. This is something he needs to feel, or that’s how he will rationalize it tomorrow. That’s how he will rationalize crying alone in his locked room, ignoring everything outside of the space. That’s how he will rationalize reaching under his bed for the small box he knows is always there, waiting for him. But he won’t be able to rationalize the blood. He does it anyway.

Notes:

i am not entirely happy with this chapter but seeing it finished and unpublished was bumming me out more than my mild dissatisfaction with it...

this story has suddenly verged into a very different path than i originally intended so that has been kinda fun but also exhausting. essentially ive been redoing a lot of my outline and now this fic is going to end up much longer than i intended

this is so negative, okay im done now! peace out, see y'all next update!

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