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The Handmaid's Debt

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Hussie's battle cry echoed through Felt Manor as the glass screen of the Fifth Wall shattered and allowed him entrance. He'd feuded with Doc Scratch through the Fifth Wall for longer than he could recall, but tonight, the wall was weak enough to cross, and he would end their duel this day.

He reached for the broom lying on the decorated bed, sure of Scratch's doings at that exact moment. "He's talking about ancestors, isn't he," Hussie mumbled to himself as he palmed the cleaning apparatus. "He's keeping little girls locked up in weird rooms, and rambling about troll ancestors. I just know it."

Hussie tried the door and found it locked, but it was no match for his fury, and he kicked it down with ease.

"Oh, damn. This place is bigger than I thought." He stared down an endless corridor, every few feet an intersection of hallways that were also infinitely long. "Any idea which way he went?" he asked himself.

After a brief period of turning down hallways at random, Hussie came upon another door. A feeling in his gut told him Scratch had to be in that room. How, he wasn't sure, but that feeling had never steered him wrong before.

He gripped the broom in both hands and threatened his foe through the door. "YOU HEAR ME, SCRATCH? THE JIG IS UP!"

Hussie took a deep breath and threw open the door, exposing nothing but a pitch-dark room. That just made him more certain his foe had to be here. "A-HA! Caught you red-handed, you bastard! You stop clogging up my story with your troll fanfiction this instaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

He had not been expecting the lights to suddenly flicker and reveal that fucking scary wolf head. He slammed the door shut and slumped to the floor against it, taking a moment to catch his breath and collect himself. After a few minutes, he stood back up to begin his search anew.

"That... was not the right door," he remarked, to nobody in particular.

After some time spent navigating the featureless hallways, Hussie discovered that they are not, in fact, infinitely long; just frustratingly so. Luckily for him, he thinks he's come upon Doc Scratch's living room, which was a sound enough guess, considering the entryway was round, just like Scratch's big stupid head.

Of course, when Hussie discovered his panels scattered like so much confetti across the floor of the manor's living room, he was absolutely livid. Finding the bowl of blue candy arrows did nothing to assuage his anger; rather, it just pissed him off even more.

"Excellent host, my ass."

With a furious shout, Hussie upended the table, candy bowl and bloody ~ATH handbook and all. And then, he wondered, if perhaps this wasn't a waste of good candy. Scratch may be an ass for putting them out, but there's no need to them to go to waste. He picked one of the candy pieces up off the floor, sniffed it, and gave it a lick.

Holy shit, these are delicious! He started wolfing them down like popcorn before stopping to think and store a few handfuls in his hoodie pocket for later.

Then he remembered his mission. Hussie readied his broom and moved further into the room. He found the Doc standing with his back turned to him, lecturing who he's pretty sure is Aradia's ancestor about what she'll be doing later with the troll empress.

There you are. Go ahead, keep talking, cueball. I've got you in the crosshairs of my broombristles. He took another careful step forward. I have GOT you, you pompous motherfucker.

The broom in his hands practically begged to be used. Hussie will sweep up this bulb-headed windbag like the dusty little piece of shit he is. He snuck ever closer, closing the distance. Scratch was dangerous, as dangerous as a four foot tall asshole in suspenders who won't shut up can be, and every inch closer he can get before his assault begins counts.

Wait for it, Hussie. Wait for it...

"Story time's over, windbag!"

Hussie knocked over the grandfather clock as he charged. "I'm a one-man stampede and I've got a broom, and that peal of splintering wood you hear is the last gasp of a priceless antique disintegrating beneath the outrageous fury of my authorial hooves!"

Hussie smashed the bristled end of the broom into Doc Scratch's head. Repeatedly.

"If I--"
"Have to put up with--"
"One more smug meandering interlude--"
"In my own story..."
"I am going to crack your head open--"
"And serve you--"
"A heaping bowl full of your--"

The final hit sent Doc Scratch airborne. "How do you like THAT for hospitality, Doc?!"

Hussie caught him in mid-fall and started shaking him violently. The Handmaid grinned from ear to ear, her captor finally paying for keeping her imprisoned here.

"See?! Even that little girl has had enough of your shit! You have locked up your last Asian schoolgirl, you sick fuck."

And finally, Hussie held Doc Scratch aloft by his own head, and spiked him into the floor, shattering it.


Amidst the shards, he detected a silvery glint. Hussie reached into them, and pulled out Homestuck Disc 2, miraculously completely unharmed by the assault.

"You mean to tell me he already fixed this up and just didn't say anything? What a dick."

Hussie pocketed the disc and began to make his exit. "Welp, I got what I came for. Time to go back home. Assuming I can navigate the fucking labyrinth again."

"Hey. I know the way back," the Handmaid told him.

"Fucking awesome. Let's get the hell out here, then."

She lead him back to what was once her room without any trouble. For being cooped up for so long, she certainly had an excellent sense of direction.

"Thanks, kid. I'm outta here." He took one step through the Fifth Wall, careful not to cut himself on the broken glass.

"Take me with you." Her sudden outburst made him pause.

"No way. Just this much involvement in the story is gonna rile up a few fans. I can already hear them crying RUINED FOREVER if you come with me."

"But sir--"

"No can do. See you around, kid!"

He was already on the other side when she shouted, "wait!" Hussie paused to listen again.

"If you let me come along, I'll... I'll do anything you want."

He shot her a puzzled glance. The Handmaid stood, resolute.

"Anything, you say?"

She narrowed her eyes and smiled slyly. "Anything."

Hussie rubbed his chin thoughtfully for a moment. "Anything, huh?"

"Yes. And I do mean anything," the Handmaid replied as she licked her lips.

"Heh. Alright. You've got a deal."

Hussie took her hand in his to help her over the glass shards.

Oh, the plans he had for her.