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i like boys i can't have

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yoongi was the kind of pretty that was easy to miss if you didn’t look hard enough. jeongguk had spent his whole life looking both at him and up to him, and even he hadn’t noticed— even he hadn’t looked hard enough to see beyond the giant bold letters spelling best friend on yoongi’s forehead with a black ink marker. he had soft pale skin, only interrupted by the inky black lines of the tattoos the older had gotten last year— the tattoos that jeongguk had designed and hand-drawn because you draw so well, ggukie and draw hyung something pretty and gummy smiles and onyx starry eyes until all jeongguk could do was flush like a peach caressed by the sun, and agree.


(“i want a tattoo, gguk-ah,” yoongi stated, voice honey soft and silky, immediately seeping through jeongguk’s thoughts, jeongguk’s muddy reckless thoughts, calming them down like a spell of tranquility or maybe it was more like a heavy fog settling over a busy city. jeongguk had glanced at yoongi, love-sick, love-warm, love love love as yoongi continued, “and i want you to draw it.”)


yoongi had dark onyx eyes that held more stars than jeongguk could count on both of his hands, and when jeongguk was lost, they would twinkle and gleam like a light tower in the distance, making it easy for jeongguk to navigate through the hazy labyrinths of his mind, making it easy for jeongguk to find back to him— back to yoongi, always yoongi. sometimes jeongguk was sure the older had drawn a map in jeongguk’s palm, in the shape of tangled limbs and soft careful fingertips running along caramelized skin, to ensure that he’d always find his way back, always drift back into his orbit like a shooting star that had simply fallen too far.


yoongi had peach colored lips, plump and pretty. the corners of his mouth always tugged down into a pout, like the hills of a low field and although jeongguk was in love with it, although jeongguk found it impossibly hard to keep his affection inside the prison in his chest, to keep it from breaking his ribs and squeezing through his skin when the older pouted and whined like a child who wasn’t allowed to watch another episode of their favorite show— jeongguk loved his smile more.


jeongguk loved his subdued smile, like the careful spring sun shining through an overgrown bush, or a baby deer stumbling on their legs in an attempt to walk for the first time, soft and quiet. jeongguk loved his gummy smile, the one where his lips would part and show off both his teeth and gums, bright and dazzling, always catching jeongguk slightly off guard despite the fact that he’d seen it a million times, caused it a million times. yoongi had small pale hands, and all his fingers were usually covered in odd but pretty rings from local markets, all except his ring finger.


(“i’m saving it for someone special, gguk-ah.”)


yoongi was big in many ways— his presence was big, expanding to fill whatever space was left (and for him there was so much), his personality was large and bold, impossible to miss. yoongi was big in many ways, but his body was small. small enough for his head to rest under jeongguk’s chin when they hugged, small enough for jeongguk to tower a head above him, small enough for jeongguk to feel protective, always inserting himself like a human shield in crowded areas despite how many times yoongi would protest and insist that i’m the hyung, gguk-ah, don’t worry and let hyung take care of you for once, and when jeongguk refused, a small grumble of yah, what a brat would linger in the air around them, wrapped tightly in fondness.


yoongi had jet black hair, fluffy and messy as the older was usually in a time crunch without any spare time to waste on styling it. it would fall gracefully around his face, framing full cheeks perfectly and sometimes the spring breeze would pick up a strand, throw it around and make it fall in front of his eyes— in moments like those jeongguk seemed to forget time and place, seemed to lose all sense of self-control as he would reach out and tuck the strand behind yoongi's ear, warm gentle fingers against cold milky skin.


yoongi was the kind of pretty that was easy to miss if you didn’t look hard enough— subdued beauty hidden in the crevices of his brain, in the nooks of his body, waiting to be found and now that jeongguk had found them, it was all he could see. it was all he could see and his mind was consumed with how have i not noticed this before? and has hyung always been this pretty? because somehow jeongguk had managed to miss it for eighteen years. eighteen years of delicate fingers running through his hair, eighteen years of gummy smiles and starry onyx eyes, eighteen years where yoongi had been intertwined in his life, and jeongguk hadn’t seen, couldn’t see— until he could.


and then it had hit jeongguk like a smack in the face, fast and quick before he could even think about dodging the blow; cheek prickling red, a sting burning under his skin— he was in love with his best friend. he was in love with his best friend and that wasn’t subdued, because jeongguk’s eyes were ten times bigger when they looked at yoongi and his smile was ten times brighter when it was caused by yoongi.


it wasn’t easy to miss because jeongguk was obvious, lingering touches and glances that stayed a few seconds too long. jeongguk wasn’t hard to miss, was almost impossible to miss and maybe that would’ve been fine, maybe jeongguk would’ve been fine if it the unbearable realization of being head over heels for his best friend hadn’t hit when he was sitting up against him, their arms grazing, the gentle huffs of breath escaping yoongi’s parted lips suddenly deafeningly loud. they had been researching for their paper, scouting the internet for information about attraction and really, it was all coming back to him like a smack in the face— ironic almost, and jeongguk could practically hear jimin’s tinkling laughter in his head as he imagined telling his friend about his predicament.


“—uk. gguk-ah!” yoongi’s voice was summer warm in winter, hot against cold, and jeongguk blinked himself into focus, the blur of colors suddenly morphing into yoongi. yoongi was staring at him with wide kitten eyes, brows furrowed in worry, lip between his teeth and— don’t look! jeongguk shot his eyes in the complete opposite direction of yoongi’s lips, doe eyes meeting in a staring contest with the cream colored ceiling. he could feel yoongi’s chuckle more than he heard it, breath fanning over his skin, hot and carrying the smell of mint, “what’s up with you, ggukie?”


ggukie, ggukie, ggukie, ggukie.


yoongi had always called him that, ever since they met when yoongi was nine and jeongguk was seven— ever since yoongi’s cat had gotten stuck in the tree outside jeongguk’s apartment complex and jeongguk with admittedly too much confidence and a bad hero complex, had offered to climb up and get it. when he’d secured the tiny black kitten in his arms and landed safely back on the ground, yoongi’s face had split into a dazzling gummy grin and jeongguk’s stomach had filled with fluttering butterflies. it didn’t take long for seven year old jeongguk to decide that he liked that look on yoongi, liked the way his eyes crinkled and his cheeks would go round, and even to this day as jeongguk glanced back down at yoongi to see the familiar bright smile— it was still his favorite.


“nothing, hyung,” jeongguk mumbled, his voice coming out velvety and soft, gentle— always gentle, with yoongi. yoongi blinked a couple times, gaze burning hot on jeongguk’s skin as if the older was trying to see straight through him, read the constellations in his eyes or figure out his deepest secrets, and normally that wouldn’t have freaked jeongguk out. normally, jeongguk would’ve smiled and told him to read what he wanted but today— today, jeongguk had a secret. a big one, and he wasn’t ready for yoongi to find out. wasn’t ready for the older’s face to crumble with disappointment, for the older to kindly tell him that he didn’t feel the same way. that he loved him but not like that,


not like that, not like that, never like that, “i’m just thinking.”


yoongi hummed, his smile soft and kind and jeongguk loved loved loved. jeongguk tapped the end of his pencil against his notebook, eyes focusing back on yoongi who was still looking at him with soft eyes, fondness laced into the pools of honey, melted sugar and twinkling stars as he reached out towards jeongguk, gentle fingertips resting against his forehead, “don’t get lost up there, bun.”


bun. bun. bun. jeongguk bit his lip hard, almost hard enough to draw blood, refusing to let it go as if he was afraid his heart would come pouring out of his mouth if he opened it, afraid that his secret would simply just fly out of him, the same way all his secrets had flown out of him, in the way jeongguk always wanted to tell yoongi everything, always wanted yoongi to know everything and praise him and love him, love him, love him. jeongguk blinked, letting his eyes flicker back down to his laptop on the coffee table. he’d put it there earlier when he’d decided to do his research old fashioned and open up one of the many, many psychology books that namjoon had provided. the book was old, the pages tinted slightly yellow and jeongguk could almost feel its history engraved in the wrinkles of the pages as he let his fingertips run over the black ink cursive letters.


“find anything interesting?” yoongi asked, and jeongguk turned to glance at yoongi who was leant back against the armrest of the couch, his legs stretched as long as they were and even despite that, they still weren’t long enough to reach jeongguk where he sat, leaning against the other armrest, book resting comfortably in his lap. only the top half of yoongi’s face was visible, his eyes and his messy hair— the older had been asleep when jeongguk arrived, hard to rouse and looking so adorably sleepy that jeongguk almost didn’t want to wake him, and it showed on his hair. it was sticking out in various different directions and jeongguk giggled, a bunny smile breaking out on his face— the bunny smile that was reserved and saved in a safe place just for yoongi.


always yoongi.


jeongguk clicked his tongue, letting his eyes flicker around yoongi’s living room— the small yet cozy room was an embodiment of the older. the couch was dark green, a calm and organic shade that made jeongguk’s wild heart settle down deep within his bones, and it was decorated with an array of pillows in all sorts of colors, all of them pillows that yoongi had bought for seemingly no money at local flea markets. yoongi was like that - had always been like that - searching for objects with a soul and a past life, a history to put into his own home and just like that, yoongi’s home got filled to the brim with old, slightly scratched furniture and old landscape photographs and figurines. jeongguk could spend hours sifting through all of yoongi’s old vinyls, breath hitching in his throat when he’d ask a question about the band, and yoongi would lean over his shoulder to point on the vinyl cover to explain.


“nothing the internet hasn’t already said,” jeongguk stated, and yoongi threw his head back in a groan. jeongguk wouldn’t say he often procrastinated, wouldn’t say that yoongi did either— yoongi was passionate and somehow always on the verge of a breakthrough and jeongguk was following along, ready to be the first on his feet in the standing ovation the younger thought he deserved, ready to be the first to catch him if he fell. they didn’t procrastinate, but that particular paper and that particular assignment had been dragging on for weeks, constantly being pushed to next week and next week and next week because they’d much rather snuggle up under the soft wool blankets yoongi kept in the cabinets— jeongguk would much rather wrap himself in a blanket and snuggle into the soft cushions of the couch, would much rather pretend to not notice how yoongi slowly but surely shifted closer and closer to jeongguk’s body until jeongguk felt yoongi’s body heat as it traveled from the older’s body to his own. jeongguk whined, “this is impossible, hyung, we’re never getting this done.”


yoongi chuckled, fondness crippling at the edges, ripping at it like old paper being torn and jeongguk can’t help but smile, can’t help but feel slightly winded from it. yoongi closed his laptop and placed it on the coffee table next to jeongguk’s, sitting up and raising his arms above his head as he stretched, letting out a pained groan, “ah, gguk-ah, i’m sore.”


jeongguk rolled his eyes, already knowing that it was yoongi’s way of getting what he wanted. complaining until jeongguk would eventually give in and attempt to solve his problem, always solve his problem— because jeongguk couldn’t stand yoongi being in pain, and yoongi couldn’t stand jeongguk being in pain. jeongguk and yoongi, yoongi and jeongguk. it had always been like that, and they had somehow managed to get so deeply tangled together that ones happiness seemed impossible without the other, and how had he not noticed before? how had he stared into those eyes, how had he been sitting so close— how had he cuddled with yoongi’s small and soft body pressed against his own, and been that oblivious?


jeongguk’s hands raised to meet yoongi’s shoulders when the older turned around, slowly scooting backwards until he was in the younger’s reach, a subtle hint of what he wanted jeongguk to do and jeongguk did it. always did it, for yoongi (only for yoongi) because he wanted to be a good friend, he wanted to please and maybe he also wanted to feel yoongi’s warm skin underneath his fingertips, maybe he enjoyed the pleasured groans yoongi let out when he eased the tight knots of his muscles. and so, jeongguk massaged yoongi, because yoongi and jeongguk, jeongguk and yoongi— it had always been like that, and jeongguk was hoping it would always be like that.


“so good, gguk-ah,” yoongi mumbled out, voice honey sweet and smooth like syrup as it etched itself into jeongguk’s ear canals, setting roots and growing into sugar plants— sweet sweet sweet and jeongguk was gone, blown away with the autumn wind, dancing with the orange and brown leaves, and jeongguk didn’t mind. jeongguk never minded blowing away, tripping up and falling over when it was for yoongi. always for yoongi, “always so good for hyung.”


when the knots were gone and all that was left was soft and warm kneaded skin and muscles, jeongguk’s fingerprints tattooed on the older’s skin as he stood from the couch, turning to jeongguk with a smile, hand reaching out towards him— and jeongguk took it, no questions asked. always took yoongi’s hand, always followed yoongi. would probably follow the older anywhere, even if it was through burning flames or gallons of ice water because jeongguk was an idiot. jeongguk was stupid and dumb and idiotic but he was stupid and dumb and idiotic for yoongi, and he could live with that.


“let’s order some food, and then we can continue,” yoongi murmured softly, hand coming up to run through dark black hair, detangling the mess it had become during their study session. yoongi never sat still, always squirming around and snuggling further and further into the cushions and blankets around him until he was comfortable, and usually comfortable was against jeongguk or on jeongguk or near jeongguk. never drifting too far, never wandering too far, always there for jeongguk to wrap his arms around and maybe, maybe, jeongguk wasn’t the only one who felt like a fish out of water when he was too far from the other.


jeongguk nodded, walking into the kitchen, grabbing the pizza place’s menu. yoongi was watching the menu over his shoulder, but didn’t say a thing. didn’t have to, because jeongguk knew his order by heart, knew that he wanted a number ten without the pepperoni, knew that yoongi hated the pepperoni because it tasted of fire and was hot hot hot against the older’s tongue. jeongguk had teased the older about his sensitivity for ages, chewing obnoxiously loud on his hot chili pizza, a teasing smirk on his face and yoongi had laughed— loud and bubbly and bright, and maybe jeongguk had always been in love.


jeongguk grabbed the phone, dialing the number— knew that yoongi hated talking over the phone, that he got nervous and jittery and would stumble through his sentences. jeongguk leant against the kitchen table as he spoke to the pizza man, getting progressively more and more distracted as yoongi’s arms sneaked around his waist in the way they’d always done, only now they felt hot and tight, and yoongi’s breath against his neck tickled as he rested his chin on his shoulder. when he’d ordered, he turned around in yoongi’s grip, smiling when he came face to face with tired kitten eyes and a soft smile, “coming in twenty-five minutes.”


yoongi merely nodded, his arms snaking away from jeongguk’s waist and jeongguk suddenly missed the warmth, suddenly felt cold now that yoongi wasn’t pressed against him. yoongi sauntered towards the radio, the small vintage thing looking about ready to fall apart and jeongguk was impressed that it still worked. it only took a couple of smacks to the side for it to release static and then one more to the top and— “welcome to hope radio! i’m your host hoseok and today we’re here with international superstar, kim taehyung. why don’t you tell us about yo—“


jeongguk tuned out the familiar radio host’s cheerful chatter, instead opting to focus on yoongi. yoongi had crouched down to the floor, letting out small high pitched noises as he ran his hands through holly’s fur, the dog yipping happily at the attention. jeongguk smiled, “he’s grown so much. remember back when he was just the size of my hand?”


yoongi chuckled, glancing over his shoulder, “you mean when you almost sat on him?”


jeongguk gasped in feigned offense, pouting dramatically and yoongi giggled, “it was an accident, hyung!”


yoongi chuckled, standing up from the floor to turn and face jeongguk once more, stepping closer to poke playfully at jeongguk’s pouted lips, “of course, bun. i know.”


by the time the pizza arrived, jeongguk had gotten stuck somewhere in between yoongi’s sweet giggles and his raspy chuckles, and he was floating, floating, floating— seemingly not coming down until they’d eaten their pizza and yoongi had moved impossibly closer with his laptop to peer into jeongguk’s lap where he was holding the book open on a page about physical attraction and jeongguk tried - tried so hard - to keep his heart under control when yoongi reached in and flipped the page, smaller hand wrapping around jeongguk’s larger one, sending jolts of electricity through him from his fingertips and all through his bloodstream. jeongguk blinked at the text, the letters seemed to dance around on the page, mixing together and jeongguk groaned, furrowing his brows, “this is too hard, hyung.”


“well,” yoongi said, sitting up straight and turning around to face jeongguk, legs crossed beneath him. his eyes were sparkly and bright, and jeongguk raised a brow in curiosity when the older grabbed his shoulders, turning him until he was facing him directly, “maybe we’re thinking about it too much. let’s just— take it easy. what are you attracted to?”


jeongguk’s cheeks immediately flushed pink, heat rushing under his skin as he dropped his gaze to his hands, his mouth opening and closing as he spluttered, “i— um, well, i don’t know, maybe—“


“alright,” yoongi interrupted with a chuckle and a sweet smile, “i’ll begin.”


jeongguk gulped, nodding and as much as he wanted to tear his gaze from yoongi’s, as much as he knew it was paining him to stare directly into his huge kitten eyes, knowing that those stars would never be for him— he simply couldn’t look away. hypnotized by their twinkling and glinting, and maybe for a few seconds he could pretend that they were shining for him. yoongi smiled softly, grabbing onto jeongguk hands and giving it a tight squeeze. his eyes left jeongguk’s, flickering around as he stated timidly, “i like boys with brown hair.”


jeongguk blinked back at him, the silence between them thick but comfortable. yoongi stared, eyes wide before giving jeongguk a small encouraging nod and jeongguk went through the archives in his brain, trying to find something he could say that wouldn’t give him away, wouldn’t give away that the only thing that came to mind when he thought about attractive and beautiful and pretty was yoongi. jeongguk fiddled nervously with his hands, “i like— um, i like boys with dark eyes.”


“there we go,” yoongi muttered softly, giving jeongguk’s hand another squeeze. the older smiled softly, “i like boys who are tall.”


“i-i—“ jeongguk muttered, cheeks flushed pink, “i like boys who are shorter than me.”


“i like boys with big hearts.”


“i like boys who are passionate.”


“i like boys who are sweet.”


“i like boys i can’t have,” jeongguk muttered, his eyes falling back down, exhaling a shaky breath. his gaze was locked upon his hands, and he tried his best to focus solely on how prettily yoongi’s pale skin contrasted against his caramel tan, tried his best to focus on his warmth against yoongi’s coolth. he could feel yoongi’s gaze on him, hot and bothering, and he could almost imagine the pure pity that must be running through his dark onyx eyes, the pure— jeongguk’s train of thought was cut off abruptly by a soft hand coming up to cup his cheeks, and jeongguk’s eyes fly open - he hadn’t known he’d closed them - to meet yoongi’s worried gaze. jeongguk is rendered speechless at how yoongi’s eyes seem to contain nothing but love love love, and he is once again smacked in the face, completely blown away by his love for him.


“it’s their loss,” yoongi muttered and jeongguk almost snorted at the irony, instead just aiming a kind smile at the older, hating the way his eyes were beginning to burn, hating the way that he felt his waterline desperately trying to keep the tears in— he couldn’t cry. not now, not in front of yoongi. because yoongi is kind and wonderful and so, so good and would take him in his arms, run his fingers through his hair and trace along the pretty lines of his tattoos. yoongi would comfort him and take care of him, so well— so well that it would only hurt more. he focused his eyes away but yoongi just tilted jeongguk’s head back a bit until jeongguk was forced to look into those eyes he loved so much, forced to stare back at the kind soft smile of his best friend as he muttered, “you’re so wonderful, gguk-ah.”


“they don’t want me like that. i’m—“ jeongguk cut himself off with a sniff, groaning in frustration as he wiped harshly at his eyes with his sleeves, ignoring the squeezing pain in his chest when yoongi lovingly brushed his hair out of his face, “look at me, hyung, i’m— i’m not what he wants.”


“have you told him?” yoongi asked lowly, fondness seeping into his voice and jeongguk shook his head, gaze shooting down in shame. yoongi chuckled, “then how do you know, bun?”


“i just know!” jeongguk never meant to raise his voice but there was nothing worse than yoongi comforting him when yoongi himself was the problem. yoongi’s brows furrowed, a slight hint of hurt flashing in his eyes and that only set jeongguk off even more. suddenly yoongi’s hands on his were burning and he harshly pushed at yoongi’s chest, sending the older tumbling backwards with a yelp. silence, thick thick thick silence filled the air, yoongi seemingly in shock and jeongguk could practically feel the earth crumbling beneath him.


stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid— he couldn’t have yoongi how he wanted him, but if he kept acting like that, he wouldn’t be able to have him at all. yoongi’s brows knitted together, the kindness in them vanishing for just a bit, only a bit and then he was back to softness, carefully asking, “what’s wrong, gguk-ah?”




“i don’t understa—“ yoongi didn’t get much further before jeongguk interrupted him, hands once again pushing at yoongi’s chest, this time not stopping until yoongi was laying down on his back, jeongguk hovering over him. yoongi huffed, his eyes hardening as he tried to push jeongguk away, but jeongguk was stronger and stayed put, eyes glaring down at his best friend.


“what is your problem, jeongguk-ah?”

“you’re my problem!”


silence stretched between them, eerie and cold and jeongguk almost had enough time to regret the words that had seeped through his filter, missed the part of his brain that was screaming at him that it wasn’t yoongi’s fault he didn’t like him back, that yoongi hadn’t done anything, never, but the soaring pain and the squeezing at his heart was so overwhelming that even his common sense was ruled out. yoongi blinked up at jeongguk, finally stopping his pushing and instead just leaving his hands there, flat against jeongguk’s chest, “i don’t understa—“


“i like boys with gummy smiles,” jeongguk stated, breaths coming out harder than usual from his outburst. yoongi blinked up at him, the stars in his eyes had dimmed during their argument (if you could even call it an argument, it was more just jeongguk screaming at yoongi and yoongi just taking it because he was a kind person, good, always good) but now they were lighting up again, slowly one by one like a domino effect, a curious glint twisting at the edges of his pupils.


(“you smile with your gums,” jeongguk stated. it made no sense, they hadn’t talked for almost two hours opting to lay in comfortable silence and watch a bad drama on yoongi’s tv. yoongi had been laughing at the poor jokes when the thought had entered jeongguk’s mind— it wasn’t new but it never failed to catch jeongguk’s attention.


yoongi’s smile faltered, his brows furrowing as if he was suddenly doubting himself and jeongguk’s heart squeezed in his chest before he hurriedly added, “it’s cute, hyung, don’t stop.”


jeongguk tried to keep himself from cooing when yoongi’s smile returned, full blown and accompanied by a pink peach blush on the apples of his cheeks)



“i like boys with gummy smiles and i like boys who pout when they don’t get their way,” jeongguk stated and yoongi’s brows furrowed. jeongguk felt panic pulsing around in his veins, rushing through his bloodstream and he was having a hard time keeping his heart on a leash, keeping his breaths steady— but he needed to say it, he needed to get it out and then he could panic, “i like boys who wear clothes twice as big as themselves because they refuse to admit that they’re just that small.”


(yoongi huffed in frustration when the sleeve once again fell down his pale arm and past his fingertips, disturbing his typing. jeongguk watched with a raised brow and an amused smile as yoongi rolled it back up with a frustrated sigh, his bottom lip protruding in a pout when the sleeve didn’t wanna stay above his elbow. jeongguk laughed, and yoongi’s head whipped in his direction, eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights.


“maybe if you bought clothes your size you wouldn’t have a problem,” jeongguk chuckled and yoongi merely rolled his eyes, grumbling a few profanities under his breath and jeongguk shook his head with a fond smile, returning back to his own typing.)




“i like boys who lock themselves in their room when they’re socially drained but still always let me in,” jeongguk could feel his eyes watering, his breath going shaky and unsteady. he squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to look into yoongi’s eyes.


(“ggukie,” yoongi breathed, his eyes glassy with unshed tears and lip protruding in a pout. yoongi had been locking himself away, a coping mechanism he’d had since jeongguk had first met him and jeongguk had finally managed to track him down, climbing the tree outside yoongi’s apartment to knock at the older’s window. jeongguk didn’t say anything, only crawled through the window now that yoongi had opened it, stepped up to yoongi and wrapped the older in a hug, smiling softly to himself when he felt yoongi relax in his hold.)


“i like boys who can’t cook microwave popcorn,” jeongguk let out a wet chuckle, shaking his head. yoongi’s eyes were wide and sparkly, his lips parted in shock and his soft breath was fanning against jeongguk’s lips in a way that made jeongguk almost unbearably aware of how close they really were, of the few inches between their lips.


(“i don’t understand how you managed to burn microwave popcorn,” jeongguk laughed, soaking in the blush high on yoongi’s cheek as the older grumbled in embarrassment, “you’re so cute, hyung.”)


“jeongguk-ah,” yoongi’s voice was quiet, low and soft and somehow still laced with sweetness, a sweetness that immediately made jeongguk shoot away, finally removing himself from his hovering position above yoongi. he could almost already hear the words threatening to fall off yoongi’s tongue. i love you, gguk-ah, but not like that. he could hear it crystal clear in his head, not like that, and it was tearing him apart one piece at a time, i love you, breathe in, gguk-ah, hold, but not like that, breathe out. he felt yoongi’s soft hand touch his shoulder and he flinched away, burying his face in his knees.


“i like a boy,” yoongi suddenly said, voice soft and full of warmth, like a summer haze or a melted popsicle or grass tickling your bare feet as you run through the meadow. jeongguk gasped, squeezing his eyes shut, “i like a boy with a smile that looks like a bunny, and it always makes me laugh.”


(“i’m sorry, gguk-ah,” yoongi laughed and jeongguk threw his head back in a frustrated groan, although he couldn’t help but smile at the sound of yoongi’s tinkling laughter, “it’s just— you look like a bunny, it’s so cute!”)


jeongguk’s head shot up from where he’d buried it in his knees, eyes wide and teary and he hastily wiped at his cheeks. he knew he probably looked like a mess, eyes puffy and cheeks red and tearstained, he knew he was probably not even close to being attractive— but he didn’t care. not when yoongi was slowly crawling towards him, eyes shy and timid and cheeks flushing a pink peachy color. jeongguk’s eyes were locked on the older as he came closer and closer, and his breath got stuck somewhere between his tongue and his teeth when the older suddenly moved into his lap, turning around so he was facing him. yoongi had sat in jeongguk’s lap many times, simply because yoongi was just conveniently sized, but now it was different and yoongi’s eyes held so much more than they used to— so many more stars were twinkling back at him.


“i like a boy with a cute nose that does this when i kiss it,” yoongi leaned forward and pecked jeongguk’s nose and as if on cue, it scrunched up and yoongi giggled. jeongguk’s cheeks flushed red and he immediately looked down, refusing to meet the older’s eyes. a hand grabbed his chin, tilting his gaze upwards as yoongi continued, “i like a boy who always looks away when he’s shy.”


“i like a boy with brown unruly hair that is impossible to control,” yoongi stated with a fond laugh, ruffling jeongguk’s hair and jeongguk chuckled, and it was wet and his nose was running and it was kinda gross but it didn’t matter, nothing but the boy in his lap mattered. jeongguk felt goosebumps rise on his skin when yoongi’s fingers carefully played with his earring, “he wears these dangly earrings that get stuck in everything, and i always tell him to take them off but he refuses.”


(“gguk,ah, you’re gonna rip your entire ear off,” yoongi said, voice low with worry. jeongguk shrugged, sending yoongi a sheepish smile.


“one must suffer for beauty, hyung!” jeongguk exclaimed and yoongi groaned in annoyance.)


“he thinks i don’t notice how he stares at my lips,” yoongi muttered and jeongguk’s cheeks were burning. yoongi smiled, and with the speed of light he leant forward and pecked the corner of jeongguk’s mouth. jeongguk blinked back at yoongi, dazed, and before he could whine about not getting a real kiss— a kiss where he could taste the cherry chapstick he knew yoongi still used, yoongi leant forward and pecked the opposite corner of his mouth before leaning back to glance at jeongguk with a teasing smile.


hyung,” jeongguk whined, pouting and yoongi chuckled.




“do it right,” jeongguk said lowly, his grip tightening around yoongi’s waist. yoongi leant forwards, lips molding perfectly into jeongguk’s and his mind went— blank. yoongi’s lips seemed to fit perfectly against his own, as if they had been handcrafted just to fit jeongguk. they were soft and plump, tasted of cherry and jeongguk couldn’t pull away, didn’t want to— not until everything was sugar sweet and soft as honey, hints of lavender and vanilla, hazy, summer warm and yoongi yoongi yoongi.


jeongguk pulled back, panting slightly, eyes hazy and mind blank as he stared at yoongi who was so, so pretty— starry eyes, pink lips and flushed cheeks. pale skin, onyx hair and gummy smiles. jeongguk didn’t ever want to take his eyes off of him, not even for a second, because yoongi was the kind of pretty that was easy to miss if you didn’t look hard enough.