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The Great Miraculous Cookout

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“Keep moving, spiderus” Linguini barks, before kicking Luka in the ass. Luka stumbles forward, jingling the chains binding him to the others in a line. “You too, Peanut.” Linguini adds, bending down to shank Nino’s ankles with his duel machetes. Nino howls in pain, instantly tripping over. “OUCHIE!!!!!!! I-I can’t walk!!!” Linguini only scoffs in response. “I don’t give a flaming fuck.” Get dragged.” Nino is sliding across the floor, dragged by the others as they advance towards the kitchen.

Linguini pushes open the door to the kitchen, revealing a column of thicc roblox ovens. Sitting on top of one is none other than Remy from ratatouille. Remy claps his little rat hands, grinning wickedly at Linguini and the miraculous prisoners. “Ah, thank you Linguini. Thank you for the delicious meat I ordered!!!!!!”

Nino, still on the floor, cries out. Shat noir and Marinnete piss their pants. Luka, the abomination, is dragged to the cutting board. Remy views him in disgust. “I don’t want ugly meats in my pie. Linguini dismember the ugly hatsune twink motherfucker.”

Linguini simply screeches in response, grabbing Luka by his ugly ass weave and yeeting him onto the cutting board. “Semen and sine waves.”
Luka tries to resist, thrashing about like a fucking fish and screaming, to which Linguini raises one of his machetes, and thrusts it into his .002 centimeter cock. The other three fuckers watch in horror. But it doesn't end there, as Linguini proceeds to saw off each of Luka’s limbs one by one, screaming the lyrics to Pavlov as he does so. Luka’s ear-shattering wails never stop completely, but drown out as he loses consciousness. By now, he is but a torso, an ugly ass torso at that. Remy blinks.

“..Alright. Sacrifice him to the worm.”

The entire kitchen begins to shake as Benny worm emerges from the floor, lunging toward’s Luka’s dismembered corpse and taking a giant fucking bite of his fleshy remains. “Finally, some good fucking food.” Benny worm burps, red-stained droplets of saliva flying all over the room as he does so. The glorious entity then starts explosively defecating everywhere, as he’d contracted food poisoning from Luka’s fucking forsaken ass. “Have my dirt.”

The remaining twinks, still inchained, are now covered in Benny Worm’s corona filled fecal matter. Remy does a chef kiss. “Good thinking, Benny!! Seasoning for our meat!!!!” Linguini licks the shit from his face. “What kind of milk were you”

“Now,” Remy begins, eyeing the unmiraculous bitches, “It is time for the main course. Fire up the ovens.”

“Al dente, just firm enough to chew on.” Linguini responds, backflipping towards the oven and turning to temperature up to 420 degrees. He opens up the door to find Hamantha’s burnt corpse just vibing in there. Remy’s eyes widen. “Oh, I’d forgotten about her….Anyways, burn the handicapped one first.” Nino shrieks at the announcement, desperately trying to claw his way towards the door on the shit covered tile, only to keep slipping. Linguini hops over to drag him by his slashed ankles and cram him into the first oven, then kicks the door shut. The singed flesh begins to fall from Nino’s cooking ass, as he desperately tries to pound at the oven’s door. The blood from his exposed muscles begins to drip and sizzle against the hot metal bars, and smoke begins to fill the small metal box, choking him. His ragged screams transform into demented coughs, as he slowly but surely begins to slump into the hot iron. Mareinnette sobs violently, even more so as Linguini enthusiastically opens the next oven, and winks at her. “Ready to boogie?” As she attempts to break from the chains, the beard takes her by the pigtails and shoves her into the vacant oven. Smoke from Nino’s tomb now clouds the kitchen. His eyes have melted from their abandoned sockets, and his screams have ceased. He is kil.

“Now it’s your turn, you stupid heteros.” Remy shouts, pointing his littl fat finger at Moroneitete and Shat Snore. “Linguini, you know what to do.”

Linguini opens the door to the second oven, this time turning the temperature to 666 degrees. “It is time for your vibe check.” He then takes shit nob’s pale hand and twirls him into the oven with mayoronnit, then smacks the door shut with his tooshie. “Dinner is not over”
Muronknit and Stab store are nothing but jumbled limbs in a burning oven now, so jammed that neither can move. So as they’re burned alive, they can only hopelessly wriggle against the searing hot bars. Their little bug fucking bitches bang at the door from the outside, and Remy cocks a brow. “What the hell are those little shits?” He asks himself, before shrugging and taking them into his furry blue anus. Rip

Owwowwuowuwouwouwow timeskip

Striga and Morgana sit naked at the dining table, not bothering to put on any clothes after their sexcy slesbian time. Remy and Linguini enter, with platters of delicious meat pies. Striga smiles.


“that looks like some yummy pie.”


And it is. It is yummy pie.