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Star (Wars) Crossed

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All's Well That Ends Well

Kylo as the King and Rey as Helena. Kylo has been stabbed by a lightsaber. Who stabbed him? Totally not Rey, what are you talking about?? Rey offers to heal Kylo with the Force (because that’s apparently a thing you can do?). Kylo doubts she can do it, but Rey offers to make him a deal - either she fails, in which case Kylo can kill her, or she succeeds, in which case she gets to choose her husband. Kylo agrees to this, secretly hoping that if she does manage to cure him that she will choose him as husband and not that annoying Rebel pilot or that ex- Storm Trooper. Rey does manage to heal Kylo, but instead of throwing herself at Kylo, Poe, or Finn, Rey decides she’s a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man and this way none of them can push the issue because she gets to be the one who ultimately chooses who, or if, she marries. Sorry Shakespeare, this play’s super annoying and I am not inflicting most of this plot on my Star Wars babies.

Antony and Cleopatra

Leia as Mark Anthony, Han as Cleopatra. Leia is a very busy, powerful, accomplished leader of the Resistance. Everyone looks up to her and she has lots to do as her Rebel forces battle the Empire. If only Han Solo weren't so damn sexy and distracting…

As You Like It

Rey as Rosiland and Finn as Orlando. After escaping from Jakku, Rey must seek her family in the Forest of D'Qar. Finn, in love with Rey and fleeing the wrath of the new, hostile government, also ends up in the Forest. There, Rey finds her family, learning that family does not begin or end with blood, and learns to find “tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones and good in everything.”

Comedy of Errors

Anakin managed to avoid the temptations of Palpatine but when Palpatine discovers that Padme is pregnant they, with Obi Wan’s help, agree that the children must be kept safe from the Sith Lord. In the wake of Order 66 Padme takes Leia and C-3PO on one ship and Anakin takes Luke and R2-D2 on another. The twins are raised apart but when Luke comes of age, he sets out with R2-D2 to find his twin. Hijinks and hilarity ensue, but in the end Luke and Leia, R2 and 3PO, and Anakin and Padme are all reunited.

Coriolanus

Obi Wan as Ophidius, Palpatine as Menennius, and Anakin as Coriolanus. Palpatine is intent on shaping the warrior Anakin in his political image. Anakin would much rather stab things with his lightsaber and rail against the establishment than put up with politics. Obi Wan and Anakin are gay for eachother.

Cymbeline

Leia is Imogen, Anakin is Cymbeline, Palpatine is Anakin’s evil lover, Palpatine's clone son is Cloten, Han is Posthumus. Leia married Han but Anakin doesn’t approve because Anakin and Palpatine want Leia to marry Palpatine’s clone son. After Han has been kicked out he goes to Jabba’s palace and sends Jabba the Hutt to try to seduce Leia because Jabba tricks Han into betting that Leia won’t betray him. Jabba brings “proof” to Han of Leia’s supposed infidelity and Han sends Chewie as Pisonio to lead Leia to the deserted deserts of Tatooine to kill her. However instead Chewie brings a disguise for Leia to dress up as a boy to keep her safe from Han. Dressed as a boy, Leia gets separated from Chewie and meets Obi Wan (as Belarius) and Luke (as Guiderius/Arviragus). Leia doesn’t know that Luke is her brother and after she falls ill she takes a potion given to Chewie by Palpatine that ends up making her fall into a dead sleep. I can’t be bothered to explain why. Thinking her dead, Obi Wan and Luke plan to bury her until Palpatine’s clone son, dressed as Han and looking for Leia, arrives and, because he is rude, gets his head cut off by Luke, who lays him (headless) next to Leia. When Leia wakes up she thinks that Han is dead and, in great despair, Leia goes off and pledges herself as a page to Tarkin, who is leading the Empire’s fleet against the Hutts. There is a big battle where Luke, Obi Wan, and Han kick ass, and at the end all mistaken identities are revealed, Palpatine dies and confesses his sins (not in that order), Han and Leia discover they were only tricked into thinking they didn’t love each other, and Leia still gets to strangle Jabba. In conclusion, this is a batshit play. Thanks Shakespeare.

Hamlet

Well it’s not Anakin because he doesn’t take any time to ponder anything before killing the people who killed his parent. He just kills them. And not just the men, but the women, and the children too…

Ben Kenobi tells Luke that Vader killed his father. Horrified by this information, Luke sets out across to Galaxy to confront Vader. By act five Luke has stabbed the Emperor through a curtain (thinking him to be Vader), Vader and Luke have both been stabbed with a poisoned lightsaber, General Tarkin has drunk poison intended for Luke, and Princess Leia is knocking on the doors of the death star. With his dying breath Luke tells his school friend Biggs (who Luke is not-so-secretly gay for) that he gives his vote for Leia to run the Galexy after he is dead. At this point Ben Kenobi is beginning to wonder if maybe he shouldn't have lied to Luke about his father after all. Also, R2 and 3PO are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Henry IV, Parts I and II

Han as Hal and Jabba the Hutt as Falstaff. Hanging out with Jabba and his other lowlife friends has given Han a bad reputation. Despite Jabba's insistence that they be partners in petty crime and enjoy all the entertainment and Corilian Rum the credits from their crimes can buy, Han must grow to realize that his friend is holding him back from his true place in the Galaxy and that he ultimately must turn away from his old (large) friend in order to become a General in the Rebel Alliance and to stand by its Princess's side.

Henry V

Jyn and Cassian know, as their small band of brothers lands on the beaches of Scarif, that they are outnumbered ten to one. Nevertheless, as they prepare to head once more unto the breach they are determined to make ten men feel like a hundred. They know that if they are mark’d to die, they are enough to do the Rebellion loss; and if to live, the fewer men, the greater share of honour. They fight valiantly and are able to bring the Rebellion hope by sending the plans for the Death Star to Princess Leia, but in the end none of them outlive that day, nor come safe home.

Henry VI, Parts I, II, and III

Despite the threats posed by the Clone Wars, the Jedi look above all else to their religion, leaving the path open for their enemies to take from them their power and, ultimately, their lives.

Henry VIII

Obi Wan is Anakin’s first wife and Padme is Ann Bolyn. Anakin cheats on Obi Wan and the Jedi Order with Padem. When the world finds out (youngings’) heads will roll.

Julius Caesar

Snoke, Kylo, and Hux as Caesar, Brutus, and Mark Anthony. Despite his pledged allegiance to Emperor Snok, Kylo turns against his master and stabs him with his lightsaber, inciting a power struggle between Kylo and Hux and some impassioned speeches to the gathered Storm Troopers.

King John

Palpatine as King John, Mace Windu as the Pope, and Anakin as the archbishop (and Hubert). Palpatine, in order to assert his influence over the Jedi and to continue to bring Anakin under his power, insists that Anakin be appointed to the Jedi Council. Mace Windu is furious that Palpatine would interfere in this way and attempts to “excommunicate” him from the Republic. Anakin turns on Mace Windu and the Jedi Order, and Palpatine sends him to the Jedi Temple to kill the younglings (specifically a youngling named Arthur). However, when actually faced with the task Anakin is unable to do so. Instead he lies to Palpatine and tells him the younglings have been killed.

King Lear

Lear/Cordelia as Vader/Luke. Vader is slightly (maybe a lot) crazy and angry and he tries to give his son, Luke, part of the Galaxy, providing Luke pledges his allegiance to Vader and the Dark Side of the Force. Luke is not having it so Vader cuts Luke’s hand off. In the end, after some battles, Vader realizes Luke is in the right just in time to die.

Love's Labour's Lost

By swearing off attachments and secluding themselves in their Temple, the Jedi believe they will better be able to learn from and serve the Force. But then Qui-Gon Jinn meets Shmi Skywalker, Obi Wan Kenobi meets Satine Kryze, Ahsoka Tano meets Lux Bonteri, and Anakin Skywalker meets Padme Amidala. Together they learn that attachments are not so easily avoided.

Macbeth

The Nightsisters, led by Mother Talzin, predict greatness for Darth Maul. In fact, when he is apprenticed to Sidious, Talzin predicts that Maul will become the most powerful Sith Lord and that he will soon become the master, no longer the apprentice. Fueled by this promised power, Maul, encouraged by his wife Lady Ventress, plans to kill Sidious. However, he is disturbed by Talzin's predictions that while he may become more powerful than even Sidious, it is Sidious's future apprentice, Darth Vader, who’s children will defeat the power of the Dark Side. Thinking himself invincible thanks to Mother Talzin's predictions he sees no reason to fear the two Jedi who arrive at the Naboo palace of Dunsinane in a ship called the Birnam Wood.

Measure for Measure

With the Empire not giving a fuck about the Outer Rims, Jabba is left to his own devices on Tatooine. When Jabba captures Luke and tries to feed him to his pet Rancor, Jabba proposes a deal with Leia that if she stays with him and wears a stupid bikini he will let Luke go. Already feeling that she is married to the Rebellion, Leia is torn between her love for the Alliance and her love for Luke. Ultimately Leia decides she’s better off strangling Jabba while Luke blows up his ship. Even though this isn’t what Mariana actually does in the script it’s what she should do because fuck the patriarchy.

Merchant of Venice

In a last-ditch attempt to save the Republic she loves, Padme comes before the senate and reminds them that 'the quality of mercy is not strained'. She advises them that mercy 'is mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes the throned Emperor better than his robe: his lightsaber shows the force of temporal power, but mercy is above the lightsaber's sway". Her impassioned speech reminds the senate to see past the blood lust fueled by Palpatine and the Clone Wars and Padme single handedly manages to avoid the death of democracy to thunderous applause.

Merry Wives of Windsor

Jabba the Hutt is Falstaff. That’s all.

Midsummer Night's Dream

Finn and Poe, both thinking they are in love with Rey, follow Rey to a forest planet. Rose, in love with Finn, follows him. In the forest R2-D2 and his young companion BB8 use trickery and (Force) magic to help the humans sort out this love triangle mess (yes, this does make C-3PO Titania). Finn and Poe realize that they are actually in love with each other and Rey reaffirms that she is a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man. Rose gets left in the woods because J.J. Abrams forgets about her.

Much Ado about Nothing

Leia/Han as Beatrice/Benedict. Despite the seemingly daily war of words between Princess Leia and Han Solo in the hallways of Hoth’s Echo Base, it seems every Alliance member except the Princess and the smuggler knows that the two are in love. While the verbal battles continue (some more sophisticated than others - Han’s only available comeback to Leia’s rather weak “scruffy looking nerf herder” jab being “who’s scruffy looking?”) Chewbacca, Luke, R2-D2 and a relatively confused and unwilling C-3PO ‘undertake one of Hercules' labours; which is, to bring Han and the Princess Leia into a mountain of affection the one with the other’. By the end both Han and Leia are separately convinced the other is madly in love with them and relent (purely out of the goodness of their own hearts and not at all because of any feelings they might have) to save the other from their suffering and agree to marry them. Also Jar Jar Binks is Dogberry - do not question it.

Othello

In order to serve his own purposes, Palpatine manages to turn the righteous and lauded warrior Anakin Skywalker against his wife, Padmé Amidala, with whispered lies and deceits, resulting in Anakin choking and, ultimately, killing the woman he loves. That’s it. That’s the film.

Pericles

Anakin as Pericles, Padme as Thaisa, and Leia as Marina. After fleeing from Mustafar with Padme, Obi Wan and Bail Organa watch helplessly as Padme gives birth to twins then, seemingly, dies. Afraid to bring more attention on themselves from Sidious and his new apprentice, the men place Padme’s body in an escape pod and eject it near Jedha. What they don’t know is that Padme is only mostly dead (which means she is a little bit alive). When her escape pod is found by a young local force user named Chirrut Imwe he brings Padme back from the brink. Knowing that her husband is dead to her and with no way to contact her children, Padme decides to dedicate herself to the Force at the ancient Jedi temple Chirrut and his husband Baze Malbus brought her to. Meanwhile, Leia is raised by Bail and, when she is old enough, dedicates herself to the Rebellion (sorry guys, I just can’t bring myself to have Bail try to kill Leia). However, when Leia is captured by the Empire she is brought before Vader. They talk and compare stories, and through their connection in the Force they realize that they are father and daughter. At the descovery of his daughter Vader decides ‘you know what, fuck the Emperer’ and casually destroies the Empire. Then the Force leads Anakin and Leia to Jedha (which hasn’t been destroyed because of reasons). There they discover Padme living in the temple of the Jedi. After a tearful family reunion with Anakin, Padme, and Leia, the three eventually decide they had better go save Luke from spending the rest of his life as a moisture farmer on Tatooine.

Richard II

Ben Solo as Bolingbrooke and Luke as Richard II. Luke, hoping to raise Ben Solo in his image, is heartbroken when he senses the dark side in his nephew. In a sudden and desperate attempt to keep the dark side from the world Luke banishes Ben (with his lightsaber). Furious at Luke’s betrayal Ben turns to the dark side and destroys everything Luke has sought to build.

Richard III

Turning against his own family, Kylo Ren murders and betrays in order to obtain the position in the First Order he believes his lineage affords him. Hux is Ann.

Romeo and Juliet

Finn has been raised to be a Storm Trooper since before he can remember. All his life he has been taught to hate the Resistance. Poe’s parents were Alliance members during the time of the Empire. They raised him to stand against the First Order. Finn and Poe thought they knew their beliefs, until the two meet and, despite all they have been taught to believe, fall desperately in love. They are, quite literally, star crossed. BB8 gets drunk off fermented oil and delivers a Queen Mab speech in exclusively beeps and whistles.

Taming of the Shrew

The Alderaanian Princess is a bit of a firecracker and has no time for anything in her life but the Rebellion. So when a smuggler shows up and decides to try to win her over Anakin, who did not turn to the Dark Side, laughs and says he’s welcome to try. Meanwhile, Bodhi Rook, Wedge Antilles, and Biggs Darklighter (yes, this IS his last name…) are all vying for Luke Skywalker’s attention. When Luke goes to Anakin and wines ‘but daddy, I want to get married’ Anakin makes a new rule: “YOU’RE NOT GETTING MARRIED UNTIL LEIA GETS MARRIED!”. In order to have a chance at marriage Luke must team up with Chewbacca to help Han tame Leia. It doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone except Han that it is actually Leia who ends up doing the timing.

Tempest

In (self-imposed) exile a grumpy, gray haired Luke hangs out on an island strong with the magic of the Force. Ariel is a Porg.

Timon of Athens

Despite the Clone Wars, Obi Wan Kenobi is glad to be well liked and surrounded by friends he trusts. Then one day his friends (specifically his best friend and a bunch of clones) betray his ass. So what does he do? He runs off to the Outer Rim to the sandiest fucking planet he can find (because his ex-best friend hates sand) and spends the next 19 years being poor and grumpy.

Titus Andronicus

Seriously, the only story I know with more severed limbs that Titus Andronicus is Star Wars…

Troilus and Cressida

When Padme married Anakin Skywalker they exchanged vows, of course, but they also exchanged pieces of clothing. It’s an old Naboo tradition that Padme’s mother loved and Anakin found cute, so why not? It was a silly thing, but the sleeve Anakin gives her stays with Padme, folded neatly in a small box, as Anakin fights the Clone Wars throughout the Galaxy and Padme fights them in the Senate. But then Anakin falls to Darth Sidious’s powers and when Padme confronts him he almost chokes her to death. Almost. After giving birth to two healthy children Padme, Obi Wan, and Yoda agree that it will be safest for the twins to be raised apart in order to better hide them from the Dark Side. Obi Wan takes the boy to Tatooien and Padme’s friend Bail Organa takes the girl to be his adopted daughter. Padme, seperated from her children, spends the next several years traveling the Galaxy, doing good where she can and keeping herself away from her children, afraid that her presence will endanger them. But Darth Vader finally catches up with her. She is captured by the Sith Lord and taken prisoner and her already shattered heart breaks once again when she is brought before him. Her captor demands that she be his, insisting that she love him and give up her foolish affection for the foolish boy she met on Tatooine all those standard years ago. To prove her new supposed devotion to Vader, the Empire, and the Dark Side of the Force, Vader demands Padme supply him with a token of her affection. From her small pack Padme draws out a box with an old but neatly folded sleeve within. She hands it to the Sith Lord, a token of her love, in the hopes that it might remind Vader of the love Padme bears for another man.

Twelfth Night

After escaping Darth Vader with the plans to the Death Star, Luke and Leia, twins raised together as royals on Alderaan, crash in their escape pod on Tatooine. Believing her twin brother to be dead, Leia dresses as a man to better hide from the Empire. She is hired by a handsome smuggler named Han Solo, who sends her as an envoy to the palace of Jabba the Hutt, hoping Leia can gain information about Han’s lost love Qi’ra. Han is intrigued by his new hire and his apparent aversion to the Empire while under her disguise Leia finds she is falling in love with Han. Jabba is confused about why this petite boy Solo keeps sending wants to know about someone named Obi Wan Kanobi, Chewie is considering changing up his single munitions belt style with some fancy cross-gartering, and somehow Luke ends up at Jabba’s in a slave bikini.

Two Gentlemen of Verona

Lance and Crab - Rey and BB8 on Jakku. Rey, having no family to speak of, designates her left shoe to be her mother, her right shoe to be her father, her staff to be her sister, her hat to be their maid and she is the droid. No, the droid is herself, and she is the droid - O, the droid is her, and she is herself. Ay, so, so. She plays out her imagined family life with shoes and staff, bringing herself to lonely tears. Now the droid all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word; but see how she lays Jakku’s dust with her tears.

Winter's Tale

Abandoned after his family exited pursued by a (space) bear, Baby Yoda finds a new protector and adopted father in Din Djarin, the Mandalorian.

Cardenio and Love’s Labour’s Won

These two are the 6 hour uncut Phantom Menace because they are lost and I would give my first born child to see them.

Sir Thomas More, The Spanish Tragedy, and Edward III

All the books/legends - not because of the plot, but because although George Lucas had very little to do with them they are really only known, by those who know them, in association with him and his works. There is a large debate by ‘scholars’ as to whether they should be accepted as canon or not.

Bonus

Chewbacca is ecstatic when he hears that an Alderaanian princess has taken up residence in the detention block of a nearby moon space station. He hopes that this princess might be the perfect match for his handsome yet headstrong smuggler friend. After all, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single Alderaanian princess in possession of a good fortune of Credits, must be in want of a husband.