Work Header

13 Ways Of Looking At Misha Collins

Work Text:

Team: StarfleetLovesFinchesters

13 Ways Of Looking At Misha Collins #1: The Only Time I Will Riff On This

"But really, Phillip," Queen Misha Collins said, waving her trunk and one or two of her tentacles in only mild agitation, "What were the odds that this one time the Oxford Comma would be so important?"

Dear Misha Collins, QE II, or whoever reads these,

Hello! My name is Sam Starbuck. I am a published writer of many things including science fiction. If you wish to check my bona fides, or read a free copy of my books, you may do so here.

You'll see a few of these from me. Rest assured, all teams are aware that I'm writing for other teams as well.

Sam Starbuck

Team: ChucksLittleHelpersLoveNotes

13 Ways Of Looking At Misha Collins #2: The Unlikely Story

"For the service of, perhaps rather surprisingly, discovering and capturing the first known wild Elopus," Her Majesty said, "I dub thee Sir Misha Collins."

Dear Sir Misha, or whoever is reading these,

If you haven't seen my first letter, this letter won't make much sense; don't worry, you'll hit it eventually.

Sam Starbuck

Team: KalestormLovesDeepCoverUnicorn

13 Ways Of Looking At Misha Collins #3: The One With The Cute Pet

"But your majesty," Collins said, "The opportunity to study the first known miniature Elopus -- "

"We are amused," the Queen replied, cuddling the little creature. Its trumpet of defiance was a tiny high-pitched blatt. "We shan't give it up to you or to anyone."

Dear Mr. Collins, or whoever has to read these,

It's been a lot of reading, hasn't it? You should take a break. Go get an iced beverage of your choice and sit outside for a while. Or, if it's unpleasant where you are, sit inside, but somewhere else. A change is as good as a rest, you know.

Sam Starbuck

Team: Time Traveling Yetis

13 Ways Of Looking At Misha Collins #4: David Caruso Style

The Elopus was enormous. Seven tentacles and a trunk, four feet, two beady eyes, a beak that could crush a man's arm with a single snap, and hide that bore the scars of many previous battles.

"What do we do now, your majesty?" Misha asked.

The Queen raised the tranquilizer rifle to her shoulder, a grim smile on her face.

"Now we put baby to bed," she said.

Dear Mr. Collins, or whoever he has conned into reading these using charm,

I could never kill an Elopus. They're studying it. For science!

Sam Starbuck

Team: WeGotThis

13 Ways Of Looking At Misha Collins #5: The Domestic Scene

"Well," the Queen said, over tea, "Dear Anne's dachshund got amongst the corgis, you know, and the resulting dorgis were such a success. I thought, surely there are other charming breeds available."

Misha lifted a hand to tentatively touch the trunk emerging from the water tank.

"So," the Queen said, "I understand you know Jared Padalecki?"

Dear Mr. Collins, or whoever he has conned into reading these using blackmail,

She was just using you, Misha. Don't give her an inch.

I hope you are enjoying my stories, and also that this is not the first story you've had from me because if so this letter won't be terribly in-context. You'll see.

Sam Starbuck

Team: OlinSACLovesEccentricMonsters

13 Ways Of Looking At Misha Collins #6: The Dog Day Afternoon

When the police arrived to confiscate Sherman, Misha lobbed a glitter grenade at them from the second floor and yelled that they'd never take him alive.

News soon reached Her Majesty that her plans were failing.

"I shall have the elopus," she seethed. "Call out the royal marines!"

Misha, barricaded in with enough food and water to last a year, stroked the Elopus's head gently. "She shall never have you, Sherman," he hissed.

Dear Mr. Collins, or Mr. Collins by proxy,

I can never marry you. But I hear Charlotte Lucas is available.

Sam Starbuck

Team: MisfitzlovesSophrosyne

13 Ways Of Looking At Misha Collins #7: The Debauched Society or, The F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Elopus was drunk, but when I looked at Collins he only had eyes for H.M., who was practically reclining on the bar as she ordered a Sidecar and adjusted her tiara. As it crashed through the ballroom and out into the pool, I heard shouts of "Corral the beast!" and "Isn't it smash, hon?" and "Watch the band!"

I sighed and sipped my champagne. Would these people never learn?

Dear Mr. Collins, or whoever is reading these for authenticity,

Don't listen to the haters. Stonehenge Apocalypse was a glorious troll.

Sam Starbuck

Team: AngelsAmongUsLovesYouveGotRedOnYouLovesLooksLikeFun

13 Ways Of Looking At Misha Collins #8: The Scifi Thriller

"Did you know the elopus had lasers?" Misha asked, laying down blaster fire as the Queen joined him in his makeshift cover behind the navigational array.

"I didn't know they had an elopus!" she replied, flinging a tachyon grenade into the seething mass of tentacles just behind its tusks.

Dear Mr. Collins, or whoever has read so many of these already,

I lied, I would totally kill an elopus if it was part of an evil alien hegemony bent on enslaving the inhabitants of Earth.

Sam Starbuck

Team: Goldigger

13 Ways Of Looking At Misha Collins #9: The Grammar Lesson

Misha looked down at the tracks in the dirt, leading up into the castle. There were feet, and drag marks, and once or twice it had clearly stopped to root around in the bushes.

"Well?" the Queen asked.

"Ma'am, I think you have an infestation," Misha said.

"What is it?"


Dear Mr. Collins, or his enlightened GISHWHES reader,

The proper plural of octopus is octopodes, just as the proper plural of penis is penes. We learn something new every day.

Sam Starbuck


13 Ways Of Looking At Misha Collins #10: The Road Memoir

"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago," Misha said. "We've got a full tank of gas, an elopus, it's dark...and we're wearing sunglasses."

The Queen tipped the crown low over her forehead. "Hit it."

From the back seat, the Elopus crooned the blues.

Dear Mr. Collins, or whoever is continuing to read these,

If you're ever in Chicago, let me buy you an Al's Italian Beef sandwich to make up for all this.

Sam Starbuck

Team: CherryPieConfetti

13 Ways Of Looking At Misha Collins #11: The Russian Novel

Queen Elizabeth heaved a sigh, leaning back in her brocaded chair.

"Winters were easier in Moscow," she said. "Ah, the splendor of the troikas in the snow, and the delights of visiting the great Elopus."

At the window, Misha watched the snow fall on the orchard.

Dear Mr. Collins,

It's not a real Russian novel. Nobody died. But I'd have got there in another ten thousand words or so.

Sam Starbuck