JADE: youre playing a girl character?
John: yeah haha.
John: oh, because they’re cute.
John: and they get better outfit options!
John: and well i’d rather stare at girls ass than a guys ass haha. I’m not a homosexual.
John: well, Why are you playing a furry????????
Jade: i am part dog John.
John: okay but that doesnt mean you’re a furry.
Jade: i am also a furry.
John: since WHEN?
Jade: since…. Always????
Jade: i dont have a fursuit and that stuff but I’ve thought about it a lot!
John: well it’s not like I can be a girl, can I?
Jade: do you want to be a girl?
John: i dont know. That’s not even possible is it?
Jade: have you looked?
John: everything I’ve found online has just said stuff about “Gender Identity Disorder” and I dont have disorders! That means it’s bad right?
Jade: i’m not a therapist. You should ask Rose about that.
John: i guess so. I don’t see her much in my dreams though. And she’s still two years away.
John: this doesnt matter? Why does this matter?
Jade: you’ve been kinda miserable for the past year. I know all the stuff we search online says it’s Puberty and mood swings and stuff but this seems a bit weird? I saw you staring off into the distance of the mirror last night and had to say your name like eight times before you responded.
John: i dont know!!!!!!!! What is this? Ask John twenty questions about his inner turmoils and NOT having Disorders! I’m fine! I’m happy! Look at me, I’m changing my character to a boy okay?
Jade: you just seem…
Jade: like really sad all the time i dont know
John: NO! EVERYTHING IS FINE RIGHT! EVERYTHING IS FINE AND GREAT! I GET TO BE AROUND MY BEST FRIENDS WHO ARE DATING AND I GET TO SEE YOU JADE AND ALSO DAVESPRITE. YES. DAVESPRITE. THE BEST FRIEND OF YEARS THAT IVE HAD! ISNT THIS FUN JADE! DONT YOU SEE HOW MUCH IM SMILING!!!!!!!!
Jade: okay!!!! Okay!!!! No need to yell, i will drop it okay?
John: I think I’m done playing Ghostbusters today.
John took a step away from his computer and sighed. He was shaking. He was angry but he didn’t know what he was angry about. There was a feeling he had that he couldn’t quite describe. Like some deep inexplicable wrongness in his chest that he couldn’t quite describe. Like his clothes were wrong. His clothes didn’t fit, but they did fit but they
He clutched his head and screamed, zooming down the hallway of the skaian Battleship that he was now stuck on for the next two years. He should have just gone to the meteor. He wished he could just have-
Reality came back into focus. A clock ticked in the room around him. John was staring at a wall. He turned in his chair and looked back to the person calling his name.
“I thought I lost you there for a second. Were you disassociating again?”
He blinked, not meeting his therapist’s eyes and looked down at his hands, “Maybe.”
“We’re running up at the end of our hour John, Are you going to be okay?”
He heard his therapist sigh. They were frustrated with him again. Probably.
“This is the third time today you’ve disassociated John, while I am here to help, I do need you to stay present with me. Now. Let me ask the question again John. Is there anything-”
He stopped listening. Was this helping him? Was he just wasting his time? It was Rose’s Idea but he wasn’t sure if she had understood what he was going through.
He snapped back to reality again, “the hour is up John.”
He looked around. The clock had moved again.
He felt his body move without him. It was cold and heavy. It walked out of the therapist’s office and the door shut behind him. His body walked towards the front desk and his body made an appointment. Same time next week.
He walked out and began the long flight back to his house, pulling his phone out and typing a quick message to a friend.
EB: i know youre probably not gonna see this what with you probably being dead in all.
EB: but I miss you. You were a constant source of knowledge and direction when I was a kid and i could use some direction now
EB: everything sucks
EB: I’m in therapy right now for “depression” because rose wants me to but i kind of hate this. Everytime the therapist says something i just end up thinking about how i fucked up with someone in the past, and then have to relive the conversation or even worse I end up just watching myself die again.
EB: sometimes not even a death I experienced.
EB: she says im “traumatized”
EB: so what its not like i can be fixed. do i even need fixing???????? What if she’s wrong and actually this is normal just like everyone else.
EB: people have dreams of themselves getting graphically murdered by an invincible time demon right?
EB: you’re probably dead.
EB: I wish I could be strong like you.
EB: I wish I could know what to do next like you.
EB: we won and now there’s nothing else
EB: Im gonna go stare in the mirror and try not to think about dying.