Katsuki wakes up in a hospital bed.
Or maybe he wakes up in heaven that just coincidentally looks like a private hospital room, because damn, is that an angel standing next to his bed?
He cranes his neck to get a better look, which is obviously a bad choice, because instantly, a sharp pain shoots up his neck and Katsuki lets out a string of violent curses.
The angel turns around, and Katsuki’s heart swoops.
He’s got the cutest fucking face Katsuki has ever seen - big round green eyes that sparkle and shit, the cutest fucking nose, and damn those plush kissable lips.
Also, bless the gods, are those freckles?!
He reaches out instinctively to touch one, but the angel grabs his hand and gently pushes it back down.
“Kacchan?” Oh damn this is so unfair, he’s even got a nice voice. “Are you okay? Do you know where you are?”
Katsuki frowns. That’s a goddamn stupid question; of course he knows where he is.
“This is heaven,” He tells Izuku confidently. “Are you the angel assigned to me?”
Izuku blinks at him.
Across the room, someone bursts into laughter.
“Oh man, this is great.” The person says, coming into Katsuki’s view. “Dude, I am so filming this.”
The newcomer has red spikey hair and is decked in some sort of hero gear, although Katsuki can’t wrap his mind around why anyone would fight shirtless. He’s also got really sharp teeth, but despite appearances he seems pretty harmless, though at this point Katsuki doesn’t give a fuck if he’s good or bad. He’ll fight him either way for interrupting their conversation.
“Fuck off,” He growls, much to the amusement of the other. “Can’t you see we’re busy?”
The man snorts. “My bad, bro. Please continue.”
Katsuki would like to, but the fucking moment is ruined, so he leans back and pouts as Izuku checks on him.
“You’re not in heaven, Kacchan.” The green-haired boy tells him, much to his disappointment. “You’re alive, and you’re currently in the hospital fresh out from surgery. I’m the nurse assigned to you.”
Huh. That sucks.
“I want to borrow your phone,” He says instead. “I need to call God because i think i found one of his missing angels.”
Eijiro chokes on his water.
Katsuki promptly ignores him, gazing up expectantly at the not-angel whose face has turned an alarming shade of red.
“You’re high on anaesthetic,” Izuku says, amused. “Kacchan i don’t-”
“Who’s Kacchan?” He demands, annoyed that Izuku hasn’t once used his name. “My name is Bakugo Katsuki. Call me Katsuki.”
“Okay, Katsuki,” The smile on Izuku’s face is fond, but it's obvious that he’s trying not to laugh. “Katsuki, are you hungry?”
“Depends,” Katsuki says, eyeing a particular area of Izuku’s body. “Do you have a footlong?”
At this point, Eijiro isn’t even trying anymore. He laughs so hard he wheezes, and Izuku has to shove another cup of water in his hands before the man dies of oxygen deprivation.
“Man you are so going to hate yourself later,” Eijiro tells Katsuki when he finally stops laughing. “I can’t watch any further and since I have enough blackmail material already, I'll leave you two to it.”
He gives them both a little wave, then turns his heel and promptly exits the room.
Katsuki has never been more glad to see him leave.
“Is he someone i know?” He asks Izuku when it's just the two of them. “Why is he here?”
“He’s one of your best friends,” The other replies. “You two were on patrol when some villains attacked the area, so you went in to help, but they caught you off-guard and you were...impaled.”
Izuku’s voice breaks at the end, and Katsuki’s heart clenches painfully. For some reason he doesn’ t understand, it hurts to hear Izuku’s voice in distraught.
“Did I win?” Katsuki demands in an attempt to distract the other. “Did i kill those stupid villain extras?”
“Hmm?” Izuku looks up at him, and then he nods. “Oh, yes you did.”
Well, that’s great news. So why does the green-haired male look so crest-fallen?
“Listen, angel,” He says, reaching forward to grab the other’s hand. “Keep your evening free, I want to take you on a date.”
Izuku stares at him. “I already have plans tonight.”
“What about tomorrow?” Katsuki suggests. “Or the day after tomorrow.”
“I’m not quite sure my husband will appreciate it,” Izuku says, the corner of his mouth lifting a little. “You see, he can be quite the possessive type.”
Katsuki tries not to feel so dejected. Of fucking course this beautifiul man is already taken.
“I don’t see a wedding ring,” He mentions, carefully examining the others’ left hand. “Your husband doesn’t have to know. It can be our dirty little secret.”
Alright, in his defense, Katsuki is not in his right mind, and definitely a little love drunk. He’s a lot of things, but certainly not a homewrecker because fuck you, he does have morals.
“I take my ring off for work because I don't want to lose it,” Izuku says patiently, watching in amusement as Katsuki scowls at the additional information. “Even so, I'm not going to cheat on him with you.”
Katsuki pouts. “But I'm a catch.”
“So is he,” Izuku replies, giggling.
Katsuki is getting very annoyed at this nurse’s “husband”, but he’s been known to fight for what he wants, so he isn’t going to give up so easily.
“I can be better than him,” He declares. “I’ll win him in a fight. Call him over now, I'll fight him.”
Izuku stares at him for a while, and then the nurse bursts out laughing.
Katsuki hasn’t been more confused in his life. What part of that sentence was funny?
“You’re my husband, dumbass.” Izuku says, green eyes swimming with mirth. “Also, you’re not fighting anyone. You can barely even walk!”
Wait a minute. He’s his what now?
“I’m your husband?” Katsuki asks, bewildered. “What? How? When?”
“We've been married for a few year,” Izuku is handing him a cup of pills now . “It’s time for your medicine. Eat these and sleep first. We’ll talk when you wake up.”
Katsuki frowns at the small plastic cup. He doesn’t want to sleep, he just wants to talk to his husband. “I don’t need all these. All I need is some Vitamin You.”
Izuku snorts. “Would you like some vitamin D while you’re at it?”
Izuku winks at him. “If you take these like a good boy.”
Yeah, Katsuki has never scoffed down pills as fast as he did now, so imagine his disappointment when Izuku merely gives him a peck on the cheek before turning to leave.
What the fuck. He’s never felt so betrayed.
“You promised,” Katsuki says petulantly. “At least give me a proper kiss.”
He watches in satisfaction as Izuku turns back to him and sighs.
“You’re such a big baby,” His husband complains, but leans down to press a chaste kiss on Katsuki’s lips. “Sleep, or i won’t be here when you wake up.”
“I’ll divorce your ass,” He grumbles, pouting when Izuku gives him a pointed look. “Fucking fine, i’m sleeping!”
He’s not though. Well, until Izuku steps out of the room, he’s going to be as awake as he can so he can watch that mighty fine ass leave. It really is a great ass, Katsuki thinks, peeking from one slightly opened eye. How-
Fuck, he’s been caught.
Katsuki tries to look less guilty when Izuku strides towards his bedside once more, arms crossed and mouth pinched into a thin line.
“I’m not leaving until you sleep,” He says sharply. “Kacchan, you really need to sleep to get better.”
“I don’t want you to go,” Katsuki says, fighting the sudden urge to close his eyes, because fuck why are his eyelids suddenly so heavy? “I want to talk more.”
“We can talk when you’re better,” Izuku says, and oh no, his voice suddenly sounds so far away. “Sleep, Kacchan.”
“Sleep,” Izuku says again, gently pushing him backwards. His head hits the pillow and then everything goes black.
The last thing he sees are those wide, sparkling green eyes before he lets his consciousness get pulled under.
Eijiro plays the video for Katsuki when he visits him the day after he’s discharged and Katsuki nearly burns the whole apartment down with his second-hand embarrassment.
“I did not just ask if you have a footlong, what the fuck.” Katsuki whispers, horrified. He wants to go back in time and strangle himself. “Fuck you, Shitty hair, delete that.”
“Nah,” The damn bastard leaps out of his reach, and Katsuki is way too comfortable to catch his ass so he flips him off instead. “This shit will go down in history, my man. It's priceless.”
Izuku, his little shit of a husband, is still laughing even after the video ends. Katsuki would know, because the green-haired male is currently curled up next to him, and he can feel his whole body shaking.
“For what it’s worth, I thought it was cute.” Izuku says, wiping the tears away from his eyes. “I was worried sick when you came in all bloodied and unconscious, but it was a relief to see you be your usual self.”
Eijrou stops sipping his tea and stares.
Katsuki has the sudden urge to blast himself to space.
“What,” Eijiro says carefully, setting his cup down. “Did you say?”
Izuku doesn’t seem to catch wind of the situation - or maybe he does, since Katsuki didn’t marry him for his innocence - because he cocks his head to one side, and says, “Kacchan occasionally-mmph!”
Eijiro never gets to hear what Katsuki occasionally does; he’s too busy vacating their apartment like his ass is on fire because knowing his best friend, it might just be if he’s late by a fraction of a second.
He slams the door shut and prays Izuku makes it out alive.