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Vampires love virgins. It’s their favorite food.

 

 

 


In anticipation of the arrival of THE SUPREME LEADER PALPATINE, the residents of the Star Killer mansion overlooking San Francisco Bay have agreed to allow a small skeleton crew to film the inner workings of a their shared vampires-only home. When we enter the house, ARMITAGE HUX and ROSE TICO are fighting in mid-air, hissing and curling their hands into sad little claws. DOPHELD MITAKA, Armitage’s familiar, is attempting to dust the cobwebs on the chandelier. He is nearly knocked off of his ladder by the two flying vampires more than once as he works, until one of our crew members manages to help him get back down. KYLO REN, the oldest resident, was apparently confused about what a skeleton crew is. He is disappointed to discover that none of the crew are actual skeletons.

This, it will turn out, sets the tone for the entire documentary.

 

 

 

 


CUT TO ARMITAGE:

[A tall, thin, pasty man with fire-orange hair. When he speaks, it is with a haughty English accent. He is wearing what he will tell us later is a jean jacket he took from a victim with a (his words) ‘killer fashion sense. Get it? Killer? Because I killed him.’ Scroll at the bottom of the screen reads: ARMITAGE HUX, 278 Years Old.]

Lots of stereotypes. There are a lot of stereotypes out there, you know? People think they know all about you because they’ve seen Twilight or read Bram Stoker or watched The Lost Boys. There’s a lot about vampires that people don’t know unless they, you know. Get to know one of us. That’s why I wanted you guys to see this. See us, as we are.”

[Inaudible question off-screen.]

The Vampire Diaries? Yeah, they got some of it right.”

[Another question, inaudible.]

True Blood got some of it too, yeah.”

[Inaudible muttering, cut off by:]

“Alright, mate, I get it, can you just—” His eyes widen deliberately in an expression of be cool. “Okay?”

 

 

 

 

CUT TO ROSE:

[A short, Vietnamese woman with soot black hair. She self-consciously fiddles with the curls framing her cheeks, but they keep flipping back up no matter what she does with them. ‘It’s been like this since I was alive,’ she complains. She is Armitage’s wife. She is wearing a Hello Kitty T-shirt. She has an American accent, and she tells us she has lived in the Bay Area for her entire life and death. Scroll at the bottom of the screen reads: ROSE TICO, 80 Years Old.]

“Being a vampire? Yeah, it’s great. Super fun. I just love having to eat people to stay alive—

[Roll footage of Rose hunched over a mangled carcass, her mouth and chin dripping with blood. She rolls her eyes and makes a gun with her thumb and forefinger, miming shooting herself in the head.]

“—and never go out in the sunlight—”

[Roll footage of Rose and Armitage standing silent in the shadow of the Victorian mansion’s front porch, both of them frowning and shaking their heads at the approaching dawn outside.]

“—and also I can never eat Italian food ever again. Spaghetti was my favorite food and stupid Armitage fucking ruined it for me! Also love that I had to watch my sister die of being, like, old and shit. It’s super great. I totally love it.”

[Muffled sound of crew member apologizing.]

“Well, ask a stupid question, dipshit.”

 

 

 

 

CUT TO KYLO:

[Another tall, pasty man, only he is taller and paler than Armitage and not quite as thin. His accent is unplaceable. He is wearing a doublet of some kind that he told us, before filming, was his favorite when he was alive. He is also wearing a cape. He never explains the presence of the cape. He keeps shifting in his chair, seemingly never able to get comfortable. His hair is pitch black and so silky that the two female members of our crew have already asked for his hair care routine. ‘You will never be able to replicate it so long as you still have a soul,’ he tells them, and says nothing more on the subject. Scroll at the bottom of the screen reads: KYLO REN, 654 Years Old.]

“Oh! Yes, Palpatine turned me. I was twenty-nine, luckily, which is a good age to be when turned. Don’t want to end up eternally thirteen or something like that. I was the strongest soldier in my home country [Scroll at the bottom of the screen reads: COUNTRY OF ORIGIN UNKNOWN]. I was sleeping in my tent on our way to [indecipherable] when I heard the sound of little nails,” he mimes claws, “scrib-scrabbling outside in the dirt. I thought it was a cat, and I love cats, so I went outside. But when I emerged I saw, instead, the most horrific creature I have ever laid eyes on.” He raises a finger. “To this day.”

[Intercut of a crayon illustration Kylo drew using the art supplies of one of our crew member’s children. It shows a blob-shaped creature with huge red eyes and pointy triangle teeth. It is not a good drawing.]

“And then, before my very eyes, this beastly creature was transformed into the ugliest man I’ve ever seen in my life. He sank his teeth into my neck and drank my blood.”

[Roll footage of Kylo drawing at the dining room table. He is crying silently.]

“After, as I lay dying, he handed me a wooden cup of what he said was medicine—which, of course, was his blood. It tasted...very gross.”

[Inaudible question. Kylo is visibly frightened. He swallows.]

“Yeah. I’m...very excited...for him to visit. I’ve been working on my mission for years. Overthrowing San Francisco and the surrounding metropolitan area and enslaving the population is something I am incredibly...passionate about. And committed to. I have...absolutely been working on it. Slow going.”

[A pause.]

[He shifts again, his lips churning.]

“Why are you filming this again?”

[Another, longer pause.]

“Please don’t show this to him.”

 

 

 

 

Kylo used to have a different name. He doesn’t really remember it now. He’s pretty sure the first letter was a B.

The mansion is convenient for many reasons, not the least of which is how wonderfully creepy it is. Living with roommates is something he just kind of stumbled into, but Kylo doesn’t mind it usually. After being alone for the past several hundred years, it’s nice to have people to talk to. Even if he hates both of them.

Mitaka doesn’t count.

The arrival of Palpatine is preceded by a letter sent two weeks before his ship is due. When Kylo gets it in the mail, he immediately calls a house meeting.

He has not seen Palpatine in a little under two hundred years.

“Is there anything we’ll need to prepare for The Supreme Leader?” Hux is clearly thrilled at the news that they will be playing host to the most powerful living vampire. “Extra coffins? Decor? Dopheld, you should be writing this down.”

“Oh!” Mitaka fumbles with a notebook and starts scrawling ideas as Hux lists them aloud, droning on and on.

“We’ll need virgins, too, right, Kylo?”

Kylo blinks, finally registering Rose’s voice. “Hmm?” he says dumbly.

Rose rolls her eyes. Kylo would like to throttle her sometimes—upstart baby vampire. “Virgins,” she repeats, stretching the word from two syllables to about seven. “Will we need them?”

His mouth works. His hands clench into fists. “Yes.”

“Great!” Hux claps his hands together. “Dopheld, write that down. We'll need at least two. Maybe more.”

Mitaka nods frantically. “Virgins, got it.”

 

 

 

 

CUT TO DOPHELD:

[An anxious, fidgety, extremely Caucasian man. He has been Armitage’s familiar (read: indentured servant/unpaid intern) for the past eight years. Scroll at the bottom of the screen reads: DOPHELD MITAKA, 31 Years Old, Familiar.]

“Oh, no. I’m not worried about finding virgins.”

[He pauses and laughs nervously.]

“For my day job, I work in a comic book store. So. Yeah. It’s pretty much open season.”

 

 

 

 

Rey has been looking for a gift for Finn for ages when she finally walks into First Order Comics. She hates having to go to Resistance’s direct competitor, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Namely, trying out an evil corporate comic book chain to see if they have the specific Magic cards Finn doesn’t already have.

The first thing she notices when she walks in is the camera crew standing around the skinny looking guy standing behind the register.

This is for Finn, she reminds herself, gripping the straps of her backpack tighter as she approaches the counter.

She hears him saying something to the camera that sounds vaguely like prime hunting ground, and then she’s right there. She clears her throat, and cranes her neck around to read the guy’s name tag.

“Um. Dopheld?”

He startles and turns. His eyes are wild. “How much of that did you hear?”

She shifts on her feet. “Um. Yeah, hi, I’m looking for a few Magic cards? Maz at Resistance said you guys might have what I’m looking for.”

The guy, Dopheld, smiles. “Yeah, I can absolutely help you. I just need to know a few things first, if you don’t mind.” He rolls his eyes in a show of solidarity. “Corporate survey.”

Rey’s eyes flicker between him and the camera crew. “Yeah, I guess. Shoot.”

Dopheld—weird name—glances back to one of the cameras. Rey watches him wink and give a thumbs up.

“I’m sorry, what are...” she gestures to the camera crew, “they for?”

“Corporate. Anyway—” He pulls out a thick, leather-bound notebook that looks decidedly not corporate. “Have you, in the past month, been involved with a game of Dungeons and Dragons?”

Rey smiles at the memory of Finn’s and her most recent campaign with their DnD group, the seven hours they spent playing last Sunday. “Yes.”

“Ah, I see. And, if you don’t mind my asking, are you familiar with the term LARPing?”

Her smile grows. “Oh, yeah, I’m actually going to something in the park this Saturday.”

Dopheld is smiling too, but in a...decidedly weird way. “Perfect,” he says softly, his eyes lighting up in thinly veiled excitement. “Perfect. What’s your name?”

“Rey.”

“And are you now or have you ever been in a relationship?”

“Um.” Her eyes dart to the cameras. “Is that a real question on the survey?”

“Yep. Standard procedure. We’re trying to figure out consumer interest in a...monthly...First Order...speed dating event.”

She brightens. “Oh. That’s kind of cool, actually. No, I haven’t been in a relationship. Do you know when those things might start? It’s actually kind of hard to meet people—”

“Yeah, yeah, there’s one on this Saturday actually. I can write down the address for you, if you want.”

“Oh.” She frowns. “You guys don’t just...have it here?”

He sighs, rolling his eyes again in a show of commiseration, which, yeah, this guy is definitely weird. But whatever, she’s used to it, considering the company she keeps. “Not enough space.”

“Oh, okay.” Rey shrugs, smiling. “Yeah, give me the address.”

 

 

 

 

CUT TO REY:

[A young, human woman standing in front of the First Order Comics facade. She attends Takodana University. ‘On scholarship,’ she tells us with a look of pride. She is a confirmed dork and most assuredly a virgin. Scroll at the bottom of the screen reads: REY, 21 Years Old. She did not want to give us her last name.]

“Yeah, I think this whole speed dating thing could be fun! Is that why you guys are filming? To make, like, an event video for it? Like a beta test thing?”

[An inaudible confirmation.]

“Fun! Yeah, I’ll definitely go. What’s the harm, right?”

 

 

 

 

CUT TO DOPHELD:

[Visibly excited.]

“My master will be so pleased. He’ll be sure to turn me after this.”

 

 

 



Kylo has been waiting at the dock for forty-five minutes already when Hux and Rose finally get there.

“Sorry,” Rose says the moment she transforms back into a person. Hux is still in bat-form, fluttering around her head. She brushes him away. “We were fighting.”

A poof, and Hux is standing next to her. “Then we were fucking.”

Kylo raises his eyes to the blackened sky. “I don’t care.”

“Ooh, look who’s scared about The Supreme Leader visiting.”

Kylo twists his hand, and Hux abruptly stops talking as he’s lifted into the air by his ankle and shaken like a ragdoll.

Rose heaves out a sigh. “Kylo, stop tormenting my husband please.”

Kylo smirks. Hux falls out of the sky and into the water with a satisfying splash.

The boat that carries the shipping crate that carries the coffin that carries Palpatine approaches the dock. It make a beep beep beep noise as it cuts through the water.

A cameraman starts sweating. Mitaka signs for Palpatine and his elderly familiar, Snoke, because vampire hands don’t register on the stupid little plastic signy-thing, and then they are off.

 

 

 

 

CUT TO ARMITAGE:

[Dripping wet.]

“He is not a more powerful vampire than me.”

 

 

 

 

The house—mansion? It seems big enough to qualify as a mansion—is, for lack of a better word, highly creeptastic.

But, whatever. The camera crew seems nice enough.

Rey takes a deep breath and lifts the heavy, bronze knocker that is shaped like a...bat? Of all things?

The door creeks open, slowly, by itself. Also weird.

She turns to one of the cameras and plasters on a brave grin. “Guess they really wanted to keep to the theme.”

The theme, Dopheld told her, is vampires. The flyer is still clutched in her hand, a bright orange piece of paper with a clipart picture of a Dracula pasted in the upper right hand corner. Rey is wearing little plastic bat earrings and a nice-looking red dress she got yesterday from JC Penney. She even did eyeliner wings.

She attempted them anyway.

She hopes that’s enough.

Rey steps inside, comforted by the sound of the camera crew following in behind her.

“Hello?”

She takes another step.

“Hello?”

Something swoops toward her face, dive bombing her like a god damn fighter plane. She shrieks, and, in the ensuing chaos, fails to notice the young woman that approaches her.

“Hi!”

Rey jumps, shrieking again, and finally registers a kind-looking girl wearing what seems to be a fifties housewife dress splattered with blood.

“Hi,” Rey breathes. “Sorry. I think there might be a pigeon trapped in this house?”

The woman cocks her head, still smiling. “No,” she says serenely and sticks out her hand. “I’m Rose. You here for speed dating?”

“Yeah?”

“And you’re a virgin?”

Rey balks, eyebrows knitting together. She can feel blood rushing to her cheeks in embarrassment. “I don’t see how that’s relevant,” she sputters.

Rose claps her hands together and proffers her arm. “Perfect! Let me introduce you to the rest of the gang.”

 

 

 

 

Kylo has been alive for a long time.

One could even say a long, long time.

He has never been in love.

Until just right now.

He grabs Hux’s familiar as the boy passes, not tearing his eyes away from the girl that just strolled in through the front door. “Mitaka. Tell me who that is.” He doesn’t need to hypnotize Mitaka to get an answer, but eh. Force of habit.

Mitaka’s voice is flat, the affect of someone who has just been hypnotized. Kylo knows the sound well. “A virgin, Mr. Ren.”

His fangs ache. Kylo can practically taste her blood on his tongue, sweet and heady and warm. A plan is taking shape in his mind, just the edges of it, but solid and clear. “Fuck yes.”

The girl—his, his mind supplies, unbidden, his girl—catches his eye before looking away again quickly. The lovely flush on her face grows.

 

 

 


CUT TO REY:

“Yeah, it’s fun, so far. Kind of weird. I wasn’t really expecting...” She waves her hand, smiling. “Doesn’t matter. This is good too. Everyone is taking the roleplaying really seriously, which I love. I’m kind of wondering when the speed dating is happening, though, because right now it’s just me and Rose and a few guys. Dopheld and this ginger and—” She blushes. “And the other guy.”

[Inaudible muttering.]

“Kylo Ren?” She giggles. “Cool name. Do you think he’d—want to talk to me? No, forget it, that’s stupid.”

[A pause.]

“He’s cute though, right? Maybe I should try to give him my number. I think he’s been looking at me. Do you think he’d be interested? Do you think he’d like that? Do you think—”

 

 

 

 

CUT TO KYLO:

“Yes. I’m keeping her.”

[A pause. He frowns.]

“Don’t show this to anyone.”

 

 

 

 

She’s exploring, wandering around the winding hallways of the house, when suddenly there is a rush of air, a burst of light, and someone is walking beside her.

This time, she manages not to scream.

“Cool trick!” she says, effusive. “How did you—”

Her words choke into nothing the moment she realizes who has materialized beside her.

“Hi,” she squeaks out. She clears her throat. “Hi, are you Kylo?”

He nods. “I am.”

God, his voice is deep. All rough and growly and sexy. She could climb him like a damn tree. “I’m Rey.” She manages to speak normally this time, thank fuck. “I’m—this is my first time at something like this. I wouldn’t normally—you know. I just thought I’d—hi, I’m Rey.”

His full mouth quirks, a beautiful dark eyebrow arching. “Nice to meet you, Rey. I’m glad you decided to join us.”

She nods, perhaps slightly too enthusiastically. “Yeah, me too.”

His lips curl into something closer to a smile. She can see fangs just peeking out from between his lips. They’re super realistic; she wonders what kind of glue he’s using to keep them in place. It can’t be comfortable, she thinks, slightly worried for him.

And then he speaks again, and all thoughts fly straight out of her head. Her heart is beating in her throat. She’s sure she must be bright red now.

“Tell me about you,” he says, oh-so-softly. Jeez, his voice is like velvet, rich and dark and smooth. He adds, almost as an afterthought, gently deliberate, “Rey.”

She swallows. Hard.

 

 

 

 

Kylo is entranced. Transfixed. There is a single word floating through the expanse of his mind, over and over, while he listens to Rey.

Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

He has never been in love until just now, and he is not going to let it go. Not going to let The Supreme Leader have even a tablespoon of her.

Kylo is going to keep her.

And, because he asked, Rey tells him about herself.

She’s young—he’s definitely robbing the cradle, even using the age he was when he died. Attending university on an academic scholarship—so smart, his sweet little human. She has no family, but she does have one best friend.

She refuses to tell him her last name. “It’s embarrassing,” she says, laughing nervously.

And then there are other things about her. As she talks, she gets softer and softer, more and more open. She tells him about how she spends her free time volunteering at the senior center (because older people have so many wonderful stories to tell) and playing pretend dress-up with her friends (because sometimes it’s nice just to escape and be someone new) and how lonely she has been (so lonely, and it breaks something in him because he’s been so lonely, too, for so long, and now that she’s here he’s just now noticing how little his death means, how none of it is will be enough anymore now that he knows her). How she has been aching for someone to be with.

“I guess that’s why I came to this stupid thing,” she says.

He stops walking, and she stops too. Already so attuned to him, he thinks, with a flutter where his heart used to be. He raises a hand to her face, gently cupping her cheek. She flinches, at first—and then, she sighs, leaning into the touch. “Don’t do that,” he murmurs. “Don’t diminish it. You deserve to have something.” He takes a small step forward. “Someone.”

Her eyes are so dark, black where it used to be brown and green. Her breathing is shallow, almost a pant. She licks her lips; he loves her mouth. Her little freckles. “Do you—do you know if there are any, um. Places we could talk. A room, maybe? Without cameras.”

The taste on the back of his tongue—the phantom flavor of her blood. How it will spill into his mouth, how he will pour his own into hers. When it's time. When she's ready.

Kylo nods eagerly.

She blushes scarlet, inching closer. If Kylo needed to breathe, his breath would stop. If his heart still worked, it would be skipping a beat.

“Do you want to go find one?” she asks.

“Yes,” he says. “Let’s do that right now.”

 

 

 

 

In the attic, where Dopheld transported Palpatine’s coffin—Jesus Christ, was it heavy—Armitage paces the floor.

”Where the hell are they?” he hisses. “It’s almost time for The Supreme Leader to rise, and Ren has spirited away our virgin.”

Rose lays a hand soothingly on her husband’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, my foolish little cockroach. He’s going to bring her up real soon.”

 

 

 

 

CUT TO ARMITAGE:

“If Kylo fucks that virgin, I swear to fucking Satan.”

 

 

 

 

CUT TO ROSE:

[A short bark of laughter.]

“Oh, yeah. Kylo’s definitely fucking that virgin.”

 

 

 

 

Kylo really seems to know his way around this mansion. He leads her to what looks like a bedroom, several hallways and turns away from where they were before, almost like he knew exactly where to go.

Which would be crazy. She must be paranoid.

Rey paces around the edge of a four-poster bed made of some blackened wood material, the mattress covered with black, silk sheets.

She resists the urge to jump up and down, resists the urge to scream with excitement, because maybe maybe maybe this hot older man is into her, maybe he’ll have his wicked way with her, maybe she won’t be stuck anymore as the only twenty-one year old virgin in college.

Kylo sits on the bed while she stands. She’d think it presumptuous on another guy; on him, it’s hot. Commanding.

“Kylo is an unusual name.” She’s sort of embarrassed that she just went on and on about herself. It’s good to ask questions; that’s what all the advice columns she reads say to do on a first date. “Is there a story there?”

He nods. He hasn’t taken his eyes off of her since they came into the room. Rey has no idea how he isn’t looking around, though; the entire space is so cool, fantastically macabre. There are fucking taxidermy animals in glass cases along the wall, jars filled with replica body parts, medieval weapons hanging above the bed. Rey wonders if those are real or fake. Honestly, either would be pretty cool.

“It’s the name my...adopted father. Gave to me.”

“Oh?”

He nods again. “I don’t remember my real name anymore.”

Rey frowns. “Oh. That’s kind of...sad.”

He looks as if she just said something extremely puzzling. “Sad?” The word seems foreign in his mouth, strange in his inexplicable accent.

“Yeah,” she says softly. “You don’t really know who you really are.”

His voice is suddenly very loud. “Yes, exactly. Exactly.”

Rey takes a step away from the ancient crossbow and closer to where Kylo sits on the bed. She wants to tell him...everything. Her entire mind is buzzing, her body shivering with excitement, anticipation. Distantly, in the back of her mind, she knows how insane she’s being—she hardly knows the guy—but there is something in the pit of her stomach, in her guts, that tells her none of that matters.

He feels like—as silly as it sounds—her destiny.

She opens her mouth, about to tell him about how she was abandoned, how long it took her to come to terms with herself, who she really is, and she manages to get out, “You know, for me, it’s been,” and then he’s suddenly there, huge and solid, standing right in front of her.

His eyes are huge, dark and fervent and wild. “Say that again.”

She squeaks. His hands are on her waist. She’s never had a man’s hands on her waist before. She wonders if she might pass out. “What?”

He’s patient with her, repeating slowly. “Say that again. Exactly as you just did.”

“Um.” Her eyes flicker around the room. She is so glad the camera crew is gone. Also that she wore her nice panties, the ones with no holes. “You know...for me, it’s...been?”

Kylo smiles then, wider than she’s ever seen it. It’s—perfect. He’s perfect, with his dimples and the beauty marks scattered across his cheeks, and his not-quite perfect teeth. “It’s been,” he says softly. “I didn’t know it until you just said it but, that’s—my name. My real name.”

She can’t breath. His mouth is right there. His nose is brushing hers. She has no idea what he’s talking about.

“What?” she says inelegantly.

“Ben,” he laughs. “Rey, you—that’s my name. It’s Ben.”

She grins. She can’t help it, it seems. Not around him at least. “Ben—”

And then: he kisses her.

He kisses her like he wants to eat her, all teeth and tongue, mouth opening and gasping. He keeps breathing her name against her lips, against her neck, Rey, Rey, I’ve waited so long for you, for this, and she’s nodding mindlessly, me too, Ben, fuck, me too.

For the first time in her life, Rey is glad she waited to lose her virginity.

 

 

 

 

His instinct is to throw her on the bed, rip off her clothes, and take her from behind, the same as the rest of his conquests from the last six hundred years.

Ben is not going to do this with Rey—beautiful Rey, wondrous Rey, miraculous Rey, who saved herself for him, who reminded him of who he really is. He is going to make her mindless with pleasure. He is going to make her come until she begs him to stop. He is going to ruin her for anyone else, human or vampire.

He undresses her slowly, licking every inch of her skin as she whines and whimpers underneath him. He makes her come first with his fingers, and then again with his mouth, her pretty, slender hands twisting and tugging on his hair while he laps at her sweet, wet cunt.

And then, when she’s ready, when she’s begging him to enter her, he fucks her into the mattress until she’s screaming, and he lays his fucking claim.

 

 

 

 

CUT TO REY:

[She is disheveled, hair torn out of her bun. Her lipstick is smeared. She keeps giggling. Behind her, Kylo glowers and hisses at any crew members, male or female, that edge too closely into her space.]

“This is a really great event, guys. Yeah, it’s—” She looks behind her and wiggles her fingers in a wave at Kylo. “Super fun.”

 

 

 

 

Hux is waiting for them at the foot of the attic staircase, his ordinarily white face red with fury. There are veins popping out of his forehead.

Usually, Ben would strangle him for his impertinence. Now, with Rey’s hand in his, he can’t muster the rage.

“Where the hell have you two been?” Hux hisses, darkly furious. “It’s almost time for The Supreme Leader to wake.”

Rey giggles, a melodious, utterly joyful sound. “The Supreme Leader? Is that part of a new scene?”

Before Ben can say a word, Hux nods. “Something like that.”

“Ooh, yay!” Rey hops up and down and lets go of his hand, rushing up the stairs.

“Rey, wait—” he tries, but then she’s already at the top, already gone, and he has to vaporize to the top of the stairs, but before he can fully re-materialize he sees it, sees the coffin door opening—

And Palpatine emerges.

 

 

 

 

[The screen goes blank. Scroll across the middle of the screen reads:

First Order Comics sincerely regrets the death of Lor San Tekka, the sound technician for Jakku Studios, a subsidiary of First Order Comics.

San Tekka died doing what he loved: recording sound. First Order Comics and Jakku Studios are working diligently to ensure the freak accident that beheaded Lor San Tekka never happens again.]

 

 

 

 

This, she decides, is not fucking happening.

It’s cool, at first. The creepy old vampire Supreme Leader thing is a cool element to the scene. She wouldn’t have necessarily put it into a speed dating event, but whatever. Different folks, different strokes, and all that.

There’s talk about taking over San Francisco, vampires enslaving the population, Kylo Ren leading the charge against the humans, the usual evil guy monologuing thing.

Rey is tuning it out, too busy remembering the absolutely amazing sex she just had, planning the next time she’ll see him—maybe she could introduce him to Finn!—when the Supreme Leader guy suddenly lunges for one of the film crew members.

Wow. Dedicated.

Rey laughs. “Cool,” she says, and then—

The evil old dude twists the crew guy’s head around on his shoulders and rips it off. Blood arches through the air and splatters onto Rey, all over her tousled hair, her red dress.

Some of it gets in her mouth. It tastes like pennies. Iron.

Rey blinks.

“She’s not a virgin,” Ben says, hissing, because suddenly he’s there, suddenly he’s grabbing her arm and shoving her behind him. “You won’t—she’s not for you anymore, none of this is for you.”

The old man steps closer. His mouth is covered with red. His teeth are fanged.

The crew member is still on the ground, his limbs twitching. His head is still disconnected from his body.

Rey opens her mouth and screams.

Then, she charges.

 

 

 

 

Ben doesn’t even know where she gets the stake from. Probably a stray bit of wood from one of the crumbling columns in the attic. Everything happens so fast, too quickly for even him to keep up with.

Rey wrenches away from him and runs straight at Palpatine, screaming bloody murder, and then she shoves a wooden stake into his heart. Palpatine collapses instantly, folding like a cheap table.

“What the fuck, Dopheld?” Hux wails. “You brought a vampire hunter into our house—”

“I didn’t know! I didn’t—I didn’t know she even believed in vampires—”

“Satan fucking damn it, Kylo,” Rose howls. “The council will have our heads for this—”

Ben groans, “Rose, would you just chill out for a—” but he doesn’t finish the thought because Snoke is charging at him.

Ben turns and snaps his neck.

 

 

 

 

CUT TO REY:

[She is covered with blood. Kylo stands beside her, holding her hand, and gazing in what can only be described—even speaking objectively—as adoration.]

“My last name?” She flushes, glancing askance at Kylo. “It’s really embarrassing.”

[Inaudible muttering. Kylo brushes his mouth to her ear and whispers something the boom mic can’t pick up.]

“Promise you won’t make fun?”

[Inaudible confirmation. She blushes darker.]

“Van Helsing.”

 

 

 

 

CUT TO ARMITAGE:

[Arms crossed.]

“Fucking Kylo.”

 

 

 

 

ROLL CREDITS