Chapter Text
When I returned home from Angela’s on Sunday afternoon Charlie was surprisingly home and not fishing. I assumed it was likely because of the pouring rain outside but there had been days when that hadn’t stopped his hobby. I called hello to him as I trudged upstairs, combing my fingers through my dampened hair, my rain jacket could only do much. When I had placed my bag down in my desk chair, I had made my way back down the narrow wooden steps to the first floor of the small house.
Charlie looked up at me as I wandered into the living room and sat on the small loveseat across from his faded and creaky recliner. He muted whatever it was on tv that had been entertaining him and I was shocked by that. It meant he likely wanted to talk to me, a concept that made me want to quickly retreat back upstairs to my quiet and dim bedroom.
It wasn’t really that it was Charlie talking to me, more just that it was talking in general.
“So, how was Angela’s?” He questioned me, his chocolate eyes trained on my own. There was an awkwardness to Charlie I was familiar with.
“It was good. Jessica is really good at poster designing,” I said simply, winding my fingers around each other in my lap. Charlie let out a gruff ‘hm’ in reply and I waited for him to talk. That’s how it was with Charlie, he and I were both quiet and he really only spoke when he needed something. So, I knew there was something on his mind.
A silence settled over us for a little while and I waited patiently but anxiously for Charlie’s continuation.
“Bella, you know, you’re a good kid,” he finally said.
“Well, I try to be,”
“You succeed for the most part,” Charlie admitted. “Because of that, I’m mostly lifting your grounding. I know it hasn’t been very long, but it is your senior year and I want you to enjoy it. As long as you get your work done and you don’t dedicate all your time to the Cullen’s again, you’re grounding is lifted.”
“Really?” I could hear the skepticism in my voice but I was shocked. This wasn’t something I had expected. I was ready to live out my sentence, I had earned it, but the lifting of it was not expected. My thin brows were raised to showcase my surprise.
“Yes, really.” My dad said and he smiled a little, the crow's feet near his eyes becoming noticeable but his bushy mustache hiding most of his upper lip. “I’m not going to be your warden, Bells. I’m your dad and that meant I had to hold you accountable for your decisions but you learned your lesson.”
“Well, uh, thanks, dad!” I managed, surprise still fogging my thoughts. He grunted in reply, nodded as if he was pleased with himself, and turned back to the tv. This wasn’t as surprising, Charlie had had his bout of emotional interaction for the day or week and now his inner introvert was going back into recharge mode. I wasn’t one to argue, my own introverted side itching to climb upstairs to my bed with a book.
Our interaction seemed to be finished but I remained downstairs for a little bit longer, in case he said more. I didn’t want to just run after being let off the hook, it wouldn’t seem very appreciative. After half an hour passed I felt like it was acceptable to make my way to the kitchen to think of a plan for dinner.
Spaghetti was always easy and it kept me busy. I had no intention of alerting people of my lifted grounding yet, though Alice likely already knew and Edward too. The comment of not becoming so dedicated to the Cullen’s again had hit its mark, likely how Charlie was intending it to. I loved the Cullen’s, they were easily a large family I never had, yet never really needed, and I fully intended to work my way into spending the rest of eternity with them. The reminder of that made it easy for me to want to pull back from my human friends; Angela, Jessica, Ben when he joined our lunch table to talk with Angela, even Mike. In a few years, I would not look twenty-something, hopefully, I wouldn’t look over eighteen, but at the most nineteen.
They would waste away at some point and I would be marbled perfection with Edward. I assume that even Jacob would age, maybe slower, but even though he knew of the supernatural, the feud with his kind and the one I intended to become may still make Jake abandon me.
Was there a point in loving and dedicating my time to anyone but the Cullen’s? Was there even a point in doing that though? I had witnessed months ago how easy it was for them to pack up, to leave. I was not one of them, not yet, and they may take care of me while I was a newborn because the Volturi had laws, and I would have to turn because of those same laws, but actually, would I ever be a Cullen?
The thoughts were spinning in my mind too chaotically, much like the tops I had played with some when I was younger and didn’t have a book to occupy my time. I had been so absorbed in my internal argument that I had barely noticed the water was already boiling. I dropped the noodles into the pot that was on the back burner and set up the pan needed to cook the meat for it.
I fell into a routine, stirring the noodles so they didn’t stick to the bottom in a blob, and stabbing at the sizzling meat as it browned. Occasionally, I’d habitually pull my lower lip between my teeth, tugging at the delicate skin until it stung. I tried to keep my thoughts away from the negatives, thinking instead of the excitement Alice would have that my grounding was lifted.
Although, maybe that was negative for me. I was sure Alice would begin planning an entire party for it. Maybe I could reign her into going shopping instead, I could use a few new books. I had exhausted my personal library too many times over during my grounding.
It wasn’t too long before the food was ready. I called to Charlie and he had drug himself into the kitchen. We sat around the tiny kitchen table like usual and we were rather quiet as usual. There was nothing out of the routine, even if I had gained my freedom back, I wasn’t using it to run away just yet.
I’d done enough running in the past year. Running to Jacob, away from him, towards Edward again. It felt as if I had perhaps spent the entirety of my eighteenth year running and yet I was the one who was so terrified of moving forward into nineteen. I was so ready to be a vampire and yet, suddenly I was so scared to run away from Charlie again. It would break his heart and it wasn’t something I could do.
Charlie made a few comments about fishing and asked questions about my late college applications as we both stirred noodles around our plates. I answered as lightly as I could, unsure about college as I always had been but with other reasons besides money now. A thirst for human blood was stronger than money issues and I knew the Cullen’s were rich and Edward was determined to help pay for my college if I decided I’d like to go.
Perhaps maybe in a few years, I would like college. When my eyes matched Edward’s and my control was at least as good as Jasper’s. Perhaps I would follow up on my half trampled hopes of being some professor of an English elective. Though, I wasn’t sure how much I really would like a bunch of people staring at me while I lectured. So maybe it was good I’d chosen the fate of being a vampire.
Though my loyalty and trust in Edward was rocky, ever since I had learned more about myself and vampires, I had never not been sure it was what I was meant to be. Alice had only solidified it in Volterra. I struggled with the concept of the future, unsure of what I would do for a living and if I’d ever settle with someone. Even when I had tried to convince myself I could settle for Jacob, I couldn’t. I liked being a caretaker but I was not a motherly type, just a caretaker, the bare minimum at that.
I was so much like my father. Shy and introverted, a little too serious. He had let go of my mother not because he didn’t love her but because he did. She was too much of a wanderer and my father was too loyal. Sometimes I wondered what would’ve been different if he hadn’t stayed in Forks to look after my paternal grandparents. They died not more than a year or two after my mom and I left and I wasn’t sure my father had ever recovered.
I was as rooted as him, desiring of stability, and forever. I clung to a real promise of forever that Edward could promise but even he had broken that in the early fall and I was still recovering. Edward was like me, he wanted stability and that was why he always returned to the Cullens. But I remembered his questions at the start of our relationship, his questions about what all of the world I had seen. And perhaps if it was easier, a fully trusted promise I could let my mind wander.
I could think of visiting Italy with Edward again. With all of the Cullens this time. Alice giggling gleefully as she got her hands on another canary yellow Porsche, Esme amongst the architecture, Emmett and Jasper roughhousing in the fields, Carlisle among old breaking cobblestones. Rosalie, her golden hair shining as she admired the cars and spoke different languages. If I really tried, if I really trusted I could see myself there too. All of the Cullen Coven, my eyes a dull
amber and my skin fairer than it already was, hand in hand with Edward.
I dreamt of that, of a kinder and softer and prettier Italy. The Italy that was meant to be enjoyed. I dreamt of that until
it bled into nightmares about the bloody Italy, the Italy that housed Volterra. I shockingly did not awake screaming.
*******
“You’re ungroundedddddd!” Alice sang as I climbed into Edward’s Volvo the following morning. Her pale hand was clutching the back of the passenger seat as she leaned forward from the back. She was grinning, her abnormally sharp canines more obviously on display than usual.
“I am,” I said wearily. I was tired and the rain had come in even harder the night before. The chill of the storm had mixed with my lack of sleep and I felt awful. Edward shot me a worried look as he took in my dark circles but I shook my head at him and he tried to smooth his face out.
“We have to make plans,” Alice insisted.
“How did I know you were going to say that? I thought you were the psychic here, Alice.” I replied. She pouted, her lips twisting into a frown that made her look like a too-perfect toddler.
“Let’s not push the Chief too much now dear sister,” Edward commented and said sister sighed dramatically. I gave Alice a look that was meant to inform her that Edward did indeed have a point.
“ Charlie,” She used my fathers name as a sort of jab towards Edward, a reminder that she was on a first-name basis with him rather than having to call him Chief, “loves me. So, I’m sure if I asked nicely he’d let me make plans with Bella. Especially if Esme were to come along!”
Alice looked towards me expectantly, as if awaiting me to concede or give her another argument to defeat. I looked towards Edward whose look made it clear that Alice had already seen that she’d win this argument. I sighed.
“I have missed Esme and I would like some new books,” I finally admitted and Alice giggled again, clapping her hands together like a truly pleased child. Edward rolled his eyes at her antics, Alice caught the gesture and stuck her tongue out at her brother, leaning forward to flick his ear. He likely felt the action from her more than if I had done it but he was unfazed.
“You’re not invited, dear Eddy. Go have a boys weekend with Emmett and Jasper, bag some mountain lions!” She told him. She sounded entirely too pleased about informing him that he wasn’t invited.
“I will, thank you, Alice,” He replied and it should’ve been more sarcastic but he seemed pleased that the atmosphere of the car was so light. If Jasper had been there he would’ve been bathing in it, the soft-toned teasing.
“This will be a wonderful girls' day!” Alice declared.
********
The rest of the school week passed both slowly and quickly the way many human moments did. When I was immersed in the vampire world, time flew by. I would never have enough time with Edward or learning what I needed to know about it all. I had felt that way before he had left and now that I had experienced time without Edward, I knew time without him felt increasingly slow when I had clung to a promised forever.
Before too long though it was Saturday morning and I was in Charlie’s kitchen with Alice and my father. The latter was perching in one of the tiny wooden chairs she had frequently inhabited, her chin resting against her hand. Charlie’s brows were furrowed at her.
“I’m not sure if a day in the city is such a good idea, Alice. The crime in Seattle has skyrocketed, I was just reading about it in this morning's paper. Some sort of serial killer I think.” Charlie said through a bite of scrambled eggs. Alice didn’t react but I wrinkled my nose at my dad’s manners, knowing he was just too passionate about what he was saying, as passionate as he was about food apparently.
“Carlisle and Esme told us about that. Esme doesn’t like Seattle much anyway. I promise we’ll only head towards Olympia. You have our cell, right? We can call and check in when we arrive and when we leave!” My friend tried to reassure my father. He still seemed hesitant but he shot a look at me. I was cleaning the pan I had used to scramble eggs for our breakfast but I turned to meet his face as I felt his eyes on me. Charlie’s furrowed brows softened and he sighed deep enough that his shoulders lifted with it. He wiped egg from his mustache with his napkin.
“Well, I suppose it’s alright. Don’t shop poor Bella out,” He asked of Alice, gesturing toward me. Alice smiled happily, careful to not show too much of her pointed incisors.
“I’m only going because I was promised books,” I assured my father. I wanted to branch out to reading more modern books. The classics were classic but I had exhausted them and I wanted to take some small risks. Explore new worlds while still in my small bedroom in Forks. I had enough adventures on my own logically but oh well.
Alice rushed me upstairs, to get ready. I didn’t argue with her as she rummaged through my drawers, tossing me dark jeans and terracotta-colored v-neck that reminded me of Phoenix’s landscapes. She pulled out some combat boots she had bought for me months ago, citing I need proper footwear when I went to the meadow with Edward.
I was usually shy in general but Alice had helped me change when I was hurt after James so I felt very little shyness around her. Once I was dressed she assessed the look she had put me in before her lips curved in a smile.
“I really am just fabulous at what I do,” she said simply, which I knew meant she approved of her outfit choices. I shoved my arms into the brown coat she’d given me. It was basically may and yet I was still stuck in a coat. I did not regret my decision to stay in Forks, even when the Cullens were gone I’d had Jacob and the rocky La Push beach, and Angela’s quiet but steady presence, not pushy but there. But I did sometimes still miss the warmth, the sun. I knew the life I had chosen when I had fallen for Edward meant I had sentenced myself to an eternity of cloud covered days and I was okay with it. The memory of my last time in Phoenix haunting and tainting.
I would find good parts of rainy places. The greenery was a bit alien planet like still but I had always loved plants. Perhaps in some life down the line, I would take care of plants, plants wouldn’t be enticing the way humans would be while I was a newborn.
I followed Alice out into the rain after calling goodbye to my father. The slight drizzle clung to my thick hair and danced off Alice’s own dark style, slightly flattening the usual spikes. She had borrowed the Volvo and we would return back to the Cullen household to retrieve Esme.
I was excited to see the matriarch, Esme was one I had missed the most. Jasper was the one who had a true “gift” to influence emotions but I thought that Esme could perhaps calm or soothe anything or anyone just by being her. Edward always claimed I was warm and I was physically compared to them but despite the skin temperature, Esme was much like Jacob, she was truly warm. A soothing kind of warmth that made you want to build homes around them, Carlisle had certainly built his home with Esme, one that Edward hadn’t stayed away from for long, and one that Alice had dreamt about for decades. I could only hope that Jacob would find someone who recognized his warmth and built a home with him.
Esme’s car was already waiting on us and so when Alice parked and skipped towards the car, I followed. I was shocked to find that in the front passenger seat, the other female Cullen, Rosalie, was seated.
Rosalie and I’s dynamic was odd and rocky. I felt no true ill will towards her, a sort of respect and admiration. She was less hostile now than she had used to be, perhaps because I had proved I was willing to save parts of her family even if I was the reason that part was at risk anyway. Rosalie remained facing forward, the entirety of her gold.
“I’m glad you decided to come, Rose!” Alice chirped from beside me in the backseat. “I’ve been wanting to test how this new color would look on you in person so this is truly the perfect opportunity!”
I met Esme’s own golden gaze in the rearview mirror and she smiled softly at me. I returned the gesture before trying to zone back into Alice’s babble and Rosalie’s half indulging nods and hums to her adoptive sister. Rosalie didn’t look very pleased to be with us but it was hard to convince Rosalie to do things she didn’t want to do, so I was sure it really was her choice to be here.
Esme’s own soft voice joined in with Alice as the ride went on. She began explaining how she wanted to redo her office, bring more warmth into the space. They had been in Forks for a while and she knew they may move soon but she was struck by inspiration to design so she was going to follow the thread while it had her looped up. I asked a couple of questions but I really wasn’t skilled in things like that. Perhaps it was because my mother had lived her life afraid of making a home feel like a home. Renee had never desired to settle, she hadn’t decorated with the intent to, letting her own spontaneity and chaos decorate by itself. I had picked up on it so I had cluttered my space up with belongings I didn’t really need.
When we arrived at the small mall we were shopping in, Alice suggested I go ahead and eat. Esme had wandered towards the home goods store and I could see Alice glancing at some lights near the front of it. I was prepared to argue that I wasn’t hungry but Rosalie surprised me.
“I’ll go with her to eat and we’ll catch up with you two later,” Rosalie told Alice. It seemed even Alice had not foreseen this. She blinked once and then glanced towards me. I swallowed quickly.
“That sounds good to me,” I finally managed and Rosalie seemed pleased with my reply albeit slightly uncomfortable too. I was mainly curious as to why she had offered, usually, Rosalie found reasons to not be alone with me rather than the other way around. Alice still looked hesitant but was likely unwilling to offend the blonde vampire so she nodded and darted off towards the store Esme had entered.
Rosalie began walking towards the food shops and I stumbled a little to follow her. I caught up soon enough and after I had ordered a sandwich from some shop I followed her again to a small table. We were quiet at first but it was Rosalie who broke the silence.
“It’s rare any of them really leave you alone. I can never really talk to you.”
It was not what I was expecting. I blinked at her for the next few seconds, my brain trying to process Rosalie even wanting to speak to me. She seemed to gather this and she sighed softly, a noise that was still too perfect and unflawed coming from Rosalie.
“I have not always been very kind to you.” She declared. It was true. Rosalie had never been outwardly rude to my face except for the time she had refused to swap clothes with me, making Esme do it but I hadn’t held that against her. “I supposed I don’t entirely know you. I’ve gathered an idea from what my family has said, from the way you flew to Italy to save Edward from a mistake I made. I spoke too soon, callously. Edward and I, we have a rocky past, we really are siblings I suppose. Often we don’t like each other but in the end, we love each other. You’ve changed him in many ways our unchanging kind can’t be changed,” Rosalie explained. I remained quiet, feeling as though I could not interrupt the time Rosalie so rarely spared towards people.
“I do love him.” I finally said once she was quiet for a time. It was the truth, Edward’s absence had made me angry and hurt, it had broken my trust, but I did still love him.
“I know,” Rosalie admitted. “You’ve always loved him and he had hurdles to cross but he loves you,” she paused again and laughed some at this. “My entire family loves you, Bella.”
“I consider the Cullens family.”
“I know. Family enough you’re ready to join us for eternity,” her perfect face was scarred with a frown now and I didn’t like that I was the one causing the frown. I aimed to please Rosalie, to gain her support, her loyalty. “I suppose you know very little about my story.”
“Edward said that Carlisle saved you from something, that he’d hoped you’d fall for Edward. Sorry if it’s rude to say I’m glad you didn’t.” I admitted. Rosalie let out a real laugh now and I even huffed a hint of one too.
“He and I could never love each other in that way. I’m surprised Edward didn’t really tell you. It’s a bit too gnarly to get into all the gory details right now but you must understand this about me, Bella, I have always spent my time wanting to be wanted. In my human life, I was the daughter of someone who maintained their riches despite the depression. I won the affections of a rich man and I let him dazzle me. I wanted to be wanted and I wanted to have a family. I had a friend who had a son but married a man who didn’t make much.
“The lack of money was shocking to me. That my friend, Vera, would marry for love. I was vain then and some would say I’m still vain now. I was leaving Vera’s one night late and my fiancée was drunk with friends. They ended up raping me and leaving me for dead but Carlisle found me, he saved me I suppose. In some religious cases, maybe I am damned and maybe he did save me because I was able to meet Emmett but I do not feel saved. I will never be able to have a family the way I want.” There was a sadness to Rosalie I did not understand or recognize in her. The distortion of her perfect features was out of place and yet heartbreaking and the caretaker in me was desperate to care for her suddenly, to comfort the immortal girl who was robbed of motherhood though I didn’t understand her desires. She continued though, “I gained my revenge, destroyed the men who raped me, and saved my fiancée for last. I didn’t taste their blood, my record is better than even Carlisle’s, but I gave them what they deserved.”
“Edward saved me towards the start, from a fate similar to yours I guess,” The words stumbled out of me. It felt so long ago, a different time. “The night I found out about you all for sure, in Port Angeles. Men were following me, it was dark and I got lost and Edward was a bit stalkerish, true, but I could’ve had a similar fate if he hadn’t been. I suppose maybe that’s why his hovering has never bothered me too much.”
“You’re lucky he was there,” Rosalie admitted. “It’s true that you lose many of your human memories but I held onto that one. It made getting revenge easier. It’s the one I held onto the hardest sadly. I can barely remember my mother’s face but I remember how it felt, to be taken apart by men who wanted you to feel used, not wanted.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” I said softly and I did mean it. It wasn’t something I thought about much but I remembered the fear I had felt when it seemed likely to happen to me. I felt suddenly prepared to spill my guts out to Rosalie though I doubted she wanted to know it all. “When you all left, I was a mess for a long time, and for a while, right before I got better I did reckless things. I tried to join a man once in Port Angeles again because he looked like one from that night because I thought maybe Edward would appear again. I rode motorcycles and split open my head and I jumped off cliffs obviously.”
I laughed at the antics, the ridiculousness of me doing it. It had been fun, adrenaline rushing and reckless and I wouldn’t have minded doing it anyway but the state of mind I was in tainted it. Rosalie smirked a bit at what I revealed.
“I would suggest you abandon the cliff jumping and talking to strange men, for the sake of Edward’s non-existent blood pressure, but I do like cars. Motorcycles are different of course but if you ever became interested again, well Edward mentioned it was sort of your thing with the wolf boy, but if we are meant to spend an eternity together, we should have shared interests,” She seemed… not shy but I couldn’t find another word for it. As if she was embarrassed to be accepting me after all this time of forcing me away.
“Does that mean you approve of my choice?” I asked, already knowing her answer probably hadn’t changed. She proved me correct when she shook her head.
“I will never approve of you abandoning this life for the one my family and I lead. You’re giving up everything, everything I’ve ever wanted. And for so long I pushed you away because it hurts so much to be reminded that everything I do desperately desire, you’re ready to toss,” Rosalie shook her head more harshly now, her golden hair following her movements and she tugged her bottom lip into her mouth the same way I did sometimes. “I can’t ever be okay with it but in the end, it’s your choice. You have a choice, and I suppose changing you will end up having to happen for our family’s sake if just to save us from the Volturi’s wrath.”
I nodded. Rosalie’s disapproval still stung, it was still a rejection. “Edward is who I’ve decided I want to be with, for better or for worse, and staying human means losing him. It means losing all of you. I won’t do that either.”
She pursed her lips but nodded. Just as I understood Rosalie’s disapproval of my decision, she understood why I made my choice. “Have you forgiven my idiot brother? For the pain he caused?”
I contemplated the question. Edward and I were on the path to rebuilding, to relearning each other. I felt like I had aged mentally years in his absence and I had already been an old soul. But I’d learned more about the world while he was gone, more about my limits and need for him. I wasn’t sure I’d ever forgive him for leaving without a real warning, for hurting us both, for hurting Charlie, for even hurting the other members of his family who were hurt by my absence too. But I had forgiven him enough to still know I loved him. You could still be mad at someone and love them anyway, Rosalie and Edward oddly enough showed that just platonically not romantically.
“Enough,” I gave as my reply and Rosalie seemed to understand. She finally smiled faintly again.
“At least you got to play Superman for a minute, go rescue him from the big bad V government,” She used a letter to either stand for a vampire or for the Volturi. I faintly recalled telling Edward I couldn’t always be Lois Lane and that I needed to be Superman sometimes too and I laughed softly again. It was an odd but welcome feeling to laugh in the presence of Rosalie when I had usually had to be so on guard with the blonde. The tension had even left her and she seemed at ease enough around me. Her next question startled me. “Have you really forgiven me too?”
“I was never really upset,” I assured her and it was true. It was stressful at the time but I understood why Rosalie had told him, even more so now that I had learned more about the girl that would end up being a future sister-in-law. Rosalie had merely wanted her brother back, had wanted her family back. Rosalie thrived off her loyalty and of gaining the awe and loyalty of others. It made her so unbearably human that I did feel for her, feel for her desire to be like me. “There was really nothing for me to forgive you for.”
She just nodded and didn’t comment further on that. She stood up then, realizing I’d finished eating awhile ago. “We better go. Before Alice and Esme think I took a bite out of you.”
“Could never break your perfect record,” I decided to joke. Rosalie was a bit startled by it but she did laugh a little at it as she waited for me to collect my trash and stand up. Once I had tossed it into a trash can, I followed Rosalie back towards the store where we’d left the fellow Cullen women. I suddenly felt no issue throwing myself in with the label of Cullen women, not with my new understanding with Rosalie. I felt more accepted, more loved than before. I felt as though I had the assurance that even if Edward screwed up again, tried to “save me” that the other Cullens would back me up. I was more part of the family than ever before.