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The One With The Dickmonkeys

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Gabriel has to admit he’s confused when he turns eighteen and the words on his wrist appear. Because there are two separate lines of words. So either his soulmate is going to be a longwinded person, or… he has more than one.

Being aware already that he’s not exactly the most monogamous person in the world, he’s actually more excited than concerned. He just didn’t think it was possible. The few people he shows it to all express confusion, so eventually he invests in one of those arm bands some people wear, preferring to keep their words to themselves until they’ve been said. It’s a little more of a challenge than for most, though, just finding one that’s big enough to cover all the words.

The first line is pretty much what Gabriel would expect, seeing as people tend to hate him at first. He’s aware that he seems like a gigantic asshole, and he never expected his soulmate to magically know that there’s more to him than that. So the words “Thanks a lot, dickmonkey!” are more an amusement to him than anything else.

But then, below, there is a small and weirdly unassuming “Oh. My. God.” Complete with periods and everything. It’s baffling, honestly.

Years pass, and the arm band becomes a daily accessory as time goes by with nobody calling him a dickmonkey. Promiscuous and free-spirited as he is, Gabriel isn’t really tortured by it like some people are when it takes time for their soulmate to find them. But occasionally he’ll trace the words in the shower or at night in bed, wondering.

He’s in his mid-thirties when it happens. At White Castle, of all places. He’s in line behind an enormous guy, so tall he has to stoop to even see what he’s doing as he fiddles with his drink. Gabriel kinda loses track of his surroundings, because wow, he didn’t even know they made humans that tall. As a result, he completely misses the fact that Tall Guy is done with whatever he was doing and turns to leave. And in sheer surprise Gabriel manages to walk directly into the guy, making his drink splash spectacularly all over them both. Angry hazel eyes settle on him and then…

“Thanks a lot, dickmonkey!”

Gabriel’s jaw drops and he drips silently for a long, breathless moment before blurting out: “You’re dickmonkey guy!”

Barely a second later another voice joins in. “Oh. My. God.”

Both Gabriel and Tall Guy turn to find a curvy blonde with tousled hair glaring at them both. “I am gonna kick your asses, both of you! Thanks to you assholes, I’ve had the word dickmonkey on my wrist, twice, for five fucking years!” She rips off an arm band almost identical to Gabriel’s and flings it at his face. “You two are gonna owe me so many orgasms, I swear to God.”

She crosses her arms over her chest and stares daggers at them both. Gabriel and Tall Guy exchange a look and then they accidentally mutter in tandem “That’s kinda hot.”

Blonde chick rolls her eyes at them and holds both her hands out to them, palms up. They both stare stupidly until she sighs. “Phones. So I can give you my number. I’m not gonna throw myself at you two until you’ve cleaned up.” They follow her orders meekly and in short order her number is in their phones and she slaps them back in their lax hands as she leaves.

“Call me when you’ve showered, boys.”

They both look down at their phones, realizing she’s given them the wrong ones, and quickly do a swap.

“Jess,” Tall Guy says, almost reverently. He then raises his eyes to Gabriel. “And…?”

“Oh! Oh, I’m Gabriel. But you can call me dickmonkey.”

“We are gonna pay for that one so fucking much,” Tall Guy says with a grin. “Can’t say I’m unhappy with that, though. I’m Sam.”

“Sam,” Gabriel repeats. Sam and Jess. Two young and beautiful people. Somehow bound to him. Forever. It’s surreal.

“So, uh…” Sam says slowly. “Wanna pass on lunch and get to a shower?”

“Sure,” Gabriel says, but he’s not an idiot. Not all matches are perfect and he stops Sam with a hand on his elbow. “Are you sure you wanna accept this? I mean, I’m a lot older than you guys, and I’m kind of a dick, in case you haven’t noticed. If you wanna just ignore this crappy third wheel and have a nice little picket fence romance with a beautiful girl and two point five kids, then I’m okay with stepping aside. Just… putting it out there.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Sam scoffs and continues out the door, making Gabriel rush to catch up. “I’ve researched this three-way soulmate thing, and it’s not even that uncommon. The bonds are as solid as the regular ones, and if you refuse it, it’ll hurt just as much. So not an option.”

He casts Gabriel’s a side-glance and adds: “Plus, do you wanna explain to Jess why you backed out?”

That makes Gabriel stop. “Shit, no, she’s terrifying.”

“I know, right? So hot,” Sam says dreamily.

And yeah, this is gonna work out just fine.