Actions

Work Header

Not Enough Braincells in Here

Chapter Text

 The camera slowly flickered on as a woman with brown hair adjusted it, using magic to tie her hair back into a bun, before backing up and dragging someone else onscreen - a man with short blonde hair, in a suit with suspenders. Both wore aprons, and seemed to be in a kitchen.

 "Come here, Anshine. We're doing the funny. Can you cook?" Apricot adjusted Anshine's apron as she spoke, then wrapped a protective shield of plastic around his top hat and tied his hair back. The point didn't seem to mind too much.

 "I can.. though I'm not as good at it as Snow! Why?"

 "We're going to make something. Ignore the fact we are in a kitchen in the middle of nowhere." Apricot picked up a bowl, peeking into the sink while Anshine was distracted fixing his hair; she put her index finger up to her lips and put a plastic bowl over the power mint that had somehow got in there. "Are there any cookbooks in here?"

 Anshine looked around, but quickly turned his gaze after hearing Apricot fall to the floor. At least she found a cookbook.

 "FUCK!"

 "Oh stars.. Are you alright?" Anshine helped the narrator up, worried.

 She replied, picking up the cookbook and handing it to Anshine. "We haven't even started yet and someone's already in pain. I think that's a new record."

 Anshine nodded absentmindedly as he flipped through the cookbook, slowly realizing that either he couldn't read at all or he couldn't read whatever language the cookbook was in. A sudden movement caught his eye, and the celestial looked up to see a glitchy blob with a =3 face drawn on with sharpie, resting in a flower pot. "Strange book... Oh, hello! I don't think I know you!" Anshine smiled.

 "Hey, what are we making?" Apricot floated up behind Anshine and peeked over his shoulder, blepping and pushing her head into his face. He looked at the camera, annoyed, and rolled his eyes while grinning.

 "Well, it is complicated... I can't read this language, but it seems to be a steak..?"

 The glitchy cat blob levitated out of the flower pot, revealing that it had some type of humanoid form (hopefully not stolen) - hands and feet, and a neck and torso. "I can help with that," Panne said, as they teleported behind the table and turned their head right-side up.

 "Do we- is there a fridge in here?" Apricot looked around, only to notice the camera was taped to the freezer. She sighed and opened the freezer, taking out a large slab of meat.. and then just holding it. "This kitchen is so confusing. I opened the door to leave and there was just more kitchen. I'm pretty sure just being here has given us all some extremely specific curse we will never notice."

 "I'm sure it cannot be worse than reality ending!" Anshine chimed in.

 "This kitchen is nice. Now, make something, or Squid will kick us out." Panne grumbled, their voice glitching - more than usual, I should add, as they sounded like a Vocaloid.

 Apricot rolled her visible eyes. "We could cook Squid." She glanced over to the camera with a devilish grin, only to suddenly scream and cling onto Anshine. "SWEET FUCKING DUSEKKAR, HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!"

 "I kinda own this reality, so.." The figure controlling the camera, a suit of armor with no person inside, stepped into frame and flashed the peace sign at the camera.

 "Yeah, and I kinda own the twenty dollars in Anshine's wallet, so." Apricot scritched Anshine under the chin for a moment as he glared at the camera.

 "Is there a pan in here?" Anshine muttered to himself, only for a pan to manifest in his hand. He shrugged and set it down.

 Apricot blepped, squelching the meat in her hands. "The longer I have to hold this raw meat the more I want to turn on the garbage disposal and shove a drawing of someone down it."

 A whimper came from the garbage disposal. Anshine and Apricot looked at eachother for a moment, in shock, before Anshine slowly kept talking. "..Alright then. Let me just prepare the pan." Anshine looked around, searching for butter, only for it to fall from on his top hat. He shrugged and sliced it, spreading it in the pan. "Now I just have to turn this on.." He turned one of the knobs on the stove. "There we go!"

 "Nothing's gone wrong yet. I'm scared." Apricot looked around, placing the steak in, then ignoring the glitch as they took out a jar of rainbow powder and sprinkled some on the steak while it cooked.

 "Probably because it’s a competent cook who isn’t using cursed- oh, there we go." Squid's voice, perceived not as an actual person talking but thoughts within one's brain, seemed a bit upset.

 The fridge opened as a man in his early twenties stepped out, with scruffy brown hair and a chef outfit on. "Alright, who used something cursed?" He stepped out, materializing a chef hat from under Squid's helmet and putting it on.

 "Hi, Random." Apricot smiled.

 "Everyone seems to appear at random places.." Anshine seemed surprised.

 "His name is literally Random."

 "Well, don't tempt me to appear from the spice cabinet. Actually, no, I hate spice cabinets. The different smells from the spices just.. assult your nose and eyes." Random stuck out his tongue for a minute and rolled his eyes, then turned to look at the steak - now a dull rainbow color that changed with the angle one looked at it.

 Anshine flipped the steak, squishing it gently with the spatula he used, and watching as it changed colors.

 "Woah. I didn't know those colors existed." Apricot peeked over Anshine's shoulder.

 Anshine blinked, replying. "Should I be worried..?"

 Random laughed. "Maybe." He looked back at the steak, raising an eyebrow. "...what even is that color? What kind of intensity, hue and shenanigans make that?"

 Panne spoke again, their voice flipping upside down. "It's rainbow steak. Just like rainbow cake."

 "I said color, not- bah, whatever."

 Apricot watched as Anshine found a pan and slid the steak on it, then clapping slowly. "...Is it done yet?" Her voice was a bit uneasy.

 "Normally. It just needs a bit of seasoning. Any pepper and salt around?" Anshine looked around, taking a set of shakers from Panne and ignoring the camera as it tilted towards Apricot.

 She took a moment before realizing the joke. "...What. We are not using me as an ingredient again!"

 "Again?" Anshine looked up, half surprised and half disgusted.

 Squid reached over and took a saltshaker out of Apricot's hair. She hissed and took the shaker back, then threw it at Squid.. only to get the saltshaker stuck in one of the holes in his helmet. The saltshaker slowly wriggled its way out as if it could move on its own.

 "...Wow. You should play competitive darts," remarked Random as he picked up the saltshaker and put it out of its misery by tossing it into the garbage.

 "I used to, but I got arrested." Apricot joked.. maybe. It was hard to tell if it was a joke or not, like most of the things she said. "Anyway, seasoning. Guess what I stole from the Star Sanctuary fountain?"

 Anshine stared at Apricot with a look of stern disapproval as she took out a salt shaker full of glitter.

 "Anshine, if you're going to maul me, do it when the camera is off."

 Anshine turned to look at the camera with the same look he gave Apricot. "...Apricot, don't put the star essence on the steak."

 Apricot winked and unscrewed the salt shaker lid, then poured the entire contents of it onto the steak.

 The sounds of static broke everyone out of their chillness, and Panne turned to look at the steak - now black and slowly rotting. "You idiot, you don't mix rainbow with star essence!"

 Apricot spat back, slowly backing away from the once-food. "Well, you're the one who cut up the gay pride flag and put it in!"

 Random took out a lemon and slowly crushed it above the steak, letting lemon juice drip onto the steak. The steak suddenly popped like a balloon before returning to its vibrant rainbow color and not-rotting status.

 Everyone was speechless.

 "..."

 Apricot slowly turned around and looked at Panne. "Come here." The glitch backed away and shook their head. She sighed. "Okay, fine. We can't argue in front of Anshine, what if we get a divorce? Who will take him?"

 Random slowly started dancing in the background, as one of his coworkers - Pyro Jack - slowly materialized and started blasting Caramelldansen.

 "Why are you worried about me when we were maybe about to explode with a steak?!" Anshine seemed.. surprised, to say the absolute least.

 "Death isn't real in this kitchen, Anshine."

 "I have my doubts."

 "I own those too. Anyway. Are we gonna try this or just stare at it?" Apricot tilted her head.

 Squid stepped into view of the camera again, ripping off a piece of the steak and phasing it through his helmet. "A bit colorful for my taste, but not bad." He ignored the fact his armor slowly began changing color.

 Apricot did the same, quickly spitting it out into her hands and throwing the chewed-up meat into the garbage can. "Anshine, would you turn on the garbage disposal? I'm going to go vomit up some gay pride. And lemons."

 The two walked offscreen, and Panne dematerialized, leaving Anshine and Random in the kitchen. Anshine reached over and turned the camera off as Random cut the steak up, likely for the two to share.