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Reckless Paradise

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Reckless Paradise

By CarolelaineD

My life was going well at the moment, for a change I might add. My life was normally nothing but turmoil and shit day after day up until now, I guess I felt like I was on a high as I got to experience the high life. I know that I’d had some success with Joe and the band I were in with him, yet I just felt like I could go farther than Joe wanted.

The man was my friend for years and we’d gone through so much shit together, we used to practice in the basement, amongst other things that were illegal considering the age we both were. Joe started me on the drink and drugs and it soon became a regular part of our life, just like some other things too.

Then one night we were totally hammered and Joe started talking about girls and sex, shit I was sixteen and it felt so wrong discussing shit like this with my best friend. Then he moved suddenly and his lips were on mine as he kissed me. Joe was far from gentle at first and had his tongue deep down my throat, I guess I should have ended it there and then but I didn’t because deep down I liked it.

I suddenly felt wanted and he made me as horny as fuck, especially as his hand unfastened my jeans and slipped inside. I had his hand jerking me off and I was still a virgin at the time, let’s just say I was coming inside my underwear in seconds. Some had even gone all over Joe’s hand, then he casually pulled it out and stated licking his hand clean.

“Kneel for me, Billy…”

I did as he asked without even thinking about it, then he was undoing his own jeans and I had this large erection right in front of me. Joe grabbed my jaw and then my mouth opened on instinct, at first I wanted to throw up from the taste alone and gagged as he forced it deeper into my mouth.

“Come on Billy, yeah oh god just like that. You’re nothing more than a fuckin slut and a cock tease, do you know how long I’ve waited to fuck that mouth of yours.”

I realized I was remembering it all like it was yesterday and that wasn’t good, I’d known at the time that Joe had always wanted to do more to me, yet I wasn’t willing to let it go that far, ever. I guess I was afraid of losing my best friend, even so Joe still became possessive and made a point of telling everyone that I was his. I think that was one of the reasons I’d wanted out, Joe was also happy with all the small gigs and I always wanted to be far more than that.

I guess over time we started to drift apart, I was working and traveling which never left a lot of time to think about Joe or what he was doing. Even so I found out things, apparently Joe had contacts and he found out where I was and what I was doing. It felt like I had no life of my own and it was as if Joe did really own me, to a certain degree it scared the shit out of me too.

As far as I was concerned Hard Core Logo was over, Joe could find a replacement for me if he wanted to keep the band going. As for me I was only a replacement, however the rumors were that it might become permanent as the guitarist was possibly leaving. I’d moved on and even found someone that I liked, it was early days and I wasn’t ready to declare my love or anything like that. I was young and just wanted some fun, and I guess Alex Krycek was good at giving me what I wanted.

At times I blamed Joe for what I’d become in life, as now I saw sex as a way to deal with all my feelings and a lot of the time I wanted nothing more than to feel pain. Well Joe had always said I was nothing more than a slut and maybe he was right, yet with Alex we did other things too like drinking in bars and going places as a couple.

I couldn’t fault my sex life at all, we were at it most days and we did it in various places too. Alex always seemed up for anything and we got on so well, apart from his job which he told me hardly anything about and was good at distracting me when I asked. Even now I was on my way over to his apartment and it felt good, I’d spent so much of my life living in motel rooms and out of suitcases.

I reached his apartment and knocked, within seconds the door was opened and he was looking as sexy as hell in the tight black jeans he wore. I also noticed that his hair was still wet from the shower and his chest was bare, shit within seconds my body started reacting to the sight before me.

“Come in Billy, just grab yourself a drink while I finish dressing.”

“Hey don’t bother on my account, maybe I prefer the view as it is.”

“You’re a bad influence Billy Tallent.”

“Yeah right, look who’s talking.”

Alex wrapped his arms around me and then kissed me, soon he had his tongue deep inside my mouth and I wanted him to stay there forever. However, I guess all good things come to an end, Alex finally let go and went to grab a couple of beers.

“So, what do you want to do tonight, Alex?”

“I thought we could stay in and have a few drinks, maybe actually spend some time talking and getting some food.”

“Sounds good, are you implying that we don’t talk or something.”

“I think we talk when it suits us, however both of us need to know what’s happening between us and where this relationship is going.”

“Shit, so you want a serious talk?”

“Yeah, if that’s okay with you?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Alex came and sat on the couch beside me and I felt really nervous, it was like I was a kid all over again and was back in the basement with Joe. Oh, great way that was to think, I knew I really had to get that man out of my life if I wanted to move forward. Well right now I’d let Alex start this conversation off, then that way I’d have an idea where it was heading and what he expected or wanted from me.

“Billy, I need to know where you want this relationship to go?”

“Shit…what do you mean?”

“Is it just a bit of fun while you’re in L.A, am I just someone to fill the loneliness and boredom while you’re here?”

“Alex, what brought this on?”

“Billy, don’t avoid the question, please.”

“I don’t know, part of me wants more and that scares the hell out of me.”

“I want you Billy and I don’t just mean as a casual fling, if I’m honest with myself I think I’m falling in love with you.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yeah, it scares the hell out of me feeling like this, however it scares me when I think about you and how you might not feel the same way.”

“I feel something but I’m not sure what, I was never very good with all this love stuff and that never bothered me. I had a fucked up life and didn’t need any more complications, plus I always had Joe if I was lonely.”

“I understand that it’s hard, I’m just letting you know that the offer of more is there if you want it.”

“Yeah, just give me some time and who knows, I mean I really like you and the time we spend together is great.”

“Good I’m glad you like the time we spend together, I guess I just want more than sex Billy and I’d like us to talk more too.”

“So, what do you want to talk about?”

“Tell me more about yourself.”

“What’s to tell, I was a fucked up kid that grew into a fucked up adult.”

“You’re far from fucked up Billy, also you have many talents too and could go far.”

“Yeah, well that’s the intention now and the past is behind me, I’d like to have a future where I’m wanted for who I am and not to be so alone.”

“Hey, you’ll never be alone while I’m still around, well that’s if you want me?”

“Why do I get this feeling that falling in love with you could be a high possibility?”

“Maybe it’s my charm, and the way I have of giving into you and making you feel so good.”

“Yeah maybe, or it could be that sexy ass and hot body…”

“You wouldn’t be trying to get what you want would you, Billy?”

“Ha, you already know me so well.”

“Yeah you’re a nymphomaniac and as sexy as hell.”

“God, just shut up then and kiss me.”

“A demanding slut too…”

“Alex, please…”

“What’s the matter Billy, is there something that you want?”

“You know exactly what I want, Alex.”

“Strip for me, Billy.”

“Shit I thought you’d never ask.”

“You can then go lay on the bed so I can punish you.”

“Why, what have I done?”

“You are impatient Billy and need to be taught to wait.”

“Oh god please no, Alex, I need you right now.”

“Bedroom now, Billy. Oh and lose the clothes on the way.”

I did as he asked and laid on my stomach waiting for him on the bed, I knew that tonight he planned to drag it out until I was desperate with need before he’d let me come. Shit this was me we were talking about; give it two minutes and I’d be desperate and begging him for release. Alex had a lot of stamina and could make me wait hours if he so chose, I’d bitch and moan about it and he’d just laugh at me.

The man had learnt exactly which buttons to press and when to press them, I always got off on everything he did to me and I loved it all. I liked it when he took charge and told me what to do, I also liked it when he pushed me to the very edge. Joe had always demanded things too, yet the man wanted to make it all happen straight away too. It was as if I really were his bitch and nothing more, and it was always fast and over within seconds.

Shit I really had to get Joe out of my head, to be honest I’d barely thought about him until I met Alex and then it changed. I guess it had brought up the past along with what I’d done, and at the end of the day Joe made up most of my past. Finally, the door opened and Alex walked in, straight away I noticed that he still wore the jeans and nothing more and I groaned out loud.

“Alex, are you at least going to undress?”

“All in good time, Billy… maybe I want to play with you and have some fun first.”

“Alex, I’m already desperate so we don’t need the foreplay.”

“Speak for yourself.”

Alex knelt on the bed and started kissing my shoulders one by one, then he licked up and down my spine placing little nips on my sensitive skin as he went. Soon he reached my ass and I felt as his hands parted my ass cheeks, oh god and then suddenly he was rimming me and I was more than desperate now. Every time he shoved his tongue inside me my cock reacted, I even started humping the mattress hoping I could get myself off. Then all I got was a slap on the ass as Alex stopped, shit no I wanted more and he couldn’t just leave me like this.

It was then that I felt the cool liquid on my ass and knew he was preparing me, and that was when I wished the man would hurry up and just fuck me hard. God then he moved back up the bed slowly as he left a trail of wet kisses until he reached my neck, then I nearly came as he whispered in my ear.

“Tell me what you want Billy, do you want it fast and hard or slow and gentle.”

“Shit I need it fast and hard tonight, the harder the better Alex as I need it.”

“Okay let me take care of you then Billy, I promise that I’ll make it good for you.”

“You always do.”

“Tonight, I’m not even going to touch you with my cock.”

“What the fuck, please Alex…”

“Relax, Billy… as I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.”

Alex moved back down my body and knelt up behind me, I then felt him shove a couple of fingers deep inside me and move them around. In and out they went until he was driving me insane, over and over again he was rubbing against my prostate as I humped the mattress.

I think he must have shoved a couple more fingers in there now as it felt really full down there, yet Alex still kept up the same rhythm and I thought I’d go mad soon. Then he removed his hand once more and crawled back up the bed, it took me a few seconds to clear my head so I could understand what he was saying to me.

“Billy, are you listening to me?”

“Yeah only just though, Alex please fuck me now as I can’t take much more of this.”

“I already told you that I wouldn’t be doing that tonight, I want to try something different, Billy.”


“I want to use my fist, Billy… I want to shove it deep inside your tight ass and fuck you hard.”

“Fuck yes, do it Alex…”

Soon Alex moved back down the bed and I felt him apply more lube, then he had his fingers back inside my body but it felt different. I could feel this tight pressure build up and knew this time it was his whole hand, there was a blinding pain at first as the widest part finally breached the tight entrance.

Alex waited a few seconds so that I could adjust to the intrusion, then he started moving and clenching his fist inside me as he fucked me. Over and over that fist connected with my prostate until I was crying out with need, then I came all over the mattress without him even touching my erection. The last thing I remembered was him coming all over my backside and then I passed out, no one had ever made me feel so desperate and then contented in such a short time.

Things just got better between us and we spent even more time together, many times Alex would surprise me with the kinky side that was kept mostly hidden. He also wanted to love me more too and that scared me, sometimes I wondered if I were even capable of love with anyone at all. All in all though the man made me happy, and maybe I was falling in love and hadn’t realized it yet.

I guess you could say that my life was good at the moment and I was going places, then some rumors started up and soon spread to me. It turned out that Bucky Haight the punks star legend was shot, so Joe wanted to do some charity anti guns gig to raise awareness and some money. I guess there was just one downside to his whole plan, and that was that he wanted the band back complete including me.

I guess it was doable as I could do it between other gigs with my new band, yet part of me knew what we were like when we were all together. I wanted the high life and to live in paradise, with Joe it was always nothing more than a reckless paradise at best. I’d sorted myself out and wasn’t doing as much drinking or drugs as in the past, however I knew that would soon change once we were together.

Then I had to consider Joe’s parting words to me, oh he was pissed and had threatened that I’d never be part of the band again. Then he went on to drink far more than was normal for him, that was when he told me I’d always be his and my ass would be too next time he saw me.

Shit I knew that time was running out though and Joe would want an answer, the question was whether I could pull this off and come out of it sane. Then Joe even sent me a video begging me to come back, and how could I refuse when Bucky was injured and was shot in both legs. Fuck I knew it would look bad on me and my new career if I came across as the heartless bastard, oh and Joe would make sure I looked bad if I refused.

I also knew when it came down to it I had very little choice in the matter, so I kept telling myself I was doing it for Bucky and no one else. None of that helped me prepare for my return though, I was on edge and already starting to drink more as the day got closer. Then the day finally arrived and I got a cab to take me back to the past once more, I was already missing Alex too and that didn’t help. It was a past I swore would remain just that too, maybe I’d just smoke a another joint and be chilled out by the time I reached my destination.

I’d gone straight to Vancouver and arrived before we were due on the stage, straight away Joe came over to me and threw his arms around me. The tension was still there though and he must know I remembered his parting words, yet here I was despite him saying I wasn’t welcome back.

“It’s good to see you again, Billy and I’m glad you came.”

“I thought you’d have replaced me by now, Joe.”

“How could I replace someone like you, you’re far more than just a guitarist to me, Billy.”

“Yeah, well the past is just that, I’m here to help support Bucky and nothing more.”

“Yeah, I get it loud and clear Billy, you’re still my friend despite what you think of me.”

“Yeah, I know, maybe that’s what worries me, Joe.”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“You were always my friend, Joe; it was just the fact that you never wanted it to end there.”

“Look we play and then we can have a few drinks, whatcha say, Billy?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hey come on I can’t be that bad, and that’s not really buddies is it, Billy.”

“Fine after the gig, just no funny stuff Joe or I walk.”

Finally, we separated and I got ready to do this gig, then after I’d have a few drinks with Joe before leaving. This was one gig and one night, after that I’d be on a plane back to Alex.

At first, I thought things might be awkward after playing with the new band Jenifur, however Hard Core logo was like coming home and it all came so easy. We had fans who’d followed us for years and were here now to watch us perform together once more, it made me realize the band could have gone farther if Joe had pulled his finger out of his ass.

The drinks flowed and I clicked with Joe just like old times, then before I knew it our part was over along with the band. I guess I felt lost at first and decided to stay here and hang out with the fans, I knew that they deserved it and some had followed us for years.

Soon Joe was there too and pulling me away from everyone, all he said to them was he’s mine. So much for Joe accepting I was my own man and not his bitch, I guess I’d see it through knowing that it would all be over soon enough anyway.

Soon we were in the bar as Joe wanted to talk with me, apparently, he had a proposal for me and it was one I couldn’t refuse. Well, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to hear him out and see what this so called proposal was, knowing Joe, it would involve me staying here and he’d do whatever he could to make me agree.

In the bar it was just like old times again, there was no mention of the past or anything that had happened between us and it made me think. I realized that I still liked Joe and he could be a laugh and fun to be with, it also made me realize he was still my best friend too.

“So, spill it, come on Joe what’s this proposal you want to make?”

“I want to do one last tour as a band, five gigs in five major cities. Calgary, Regina followed by Winnipeg and Saskatoon and finally Edmonton.”

I thought about it and realized it was something that I really wanted to do, I’d done the charity gig for Bucky and that was different to this. I felt this was something I wanted to do for Joe as a friend, also it would be my farewell gift to him and our fans.

“Okay I’ll do it if there’s no staying in the van and you book hotels…oh and we don’t stay in any of the band houses.”

“I lost you at go, go, go.”

“Okay, and I don’t want to have to babysit.”

I warned Joe that I was gone once this was over and that he had to accept that, we then drank plenty and arranged to pick up John and Pipe in the morning. Soon we’d decided to call it a night and return to our hotel rooms, earlier someone had taken my bag and put it in my room for me. It was only then that I realized it was Joe who’d booked the room for us to share.

Tonight though we were both tired and drunk, also it wasn’t that long ago that I’d stepped off a plane so I was still jet lagged too. I was too tired to even undress and just collapsed on the nearest bed, soon my eyes closed and my mind wandered off into the past. A past where it was always me and Joe, I could even remember the day we changed our names and thought we were really cool. I was no longer William Boisy and was only to be known as Billy Tallent from this day forward. Then Joe the dick that he was insisted on calling me Billiam most of the time, well I guess I couldn’t fault the name he chose for himself though. It was a case of once a dick always a dick, okay I was losing rational thought now as sleep finally claimed me and pulled me under.

Morning came around fast as Joe had set the alarm for six, so I rubbed my eyes and looked around the room and found Joe in his own bed. Okay maybe I’d expected him to try it on with me, as this was Joe after all and he had a habit of doing what he wanted.

I figured the fastest way to wake up would be a quick shower, so I pulled the blanket back and froze. Okay I knew I was drunk last night but still, I remember falling onto the bed and was too tired to give a shit about anything and just wanted some sleep. Now though I found myself in bed naked and that disturbed me, especially as Joe was the only other one in the room with me. Well fuck him as he wouldn’t be asleep soon, I yelled his name a couple of times so he woke up.

“Joe, wake the fuck up…Joe, come on we need to talk.”

“Shit Billy, will ya stop shouting…”

“Where the fuck are my clothes?”

“On the fuckin chair, why the hell don’t you just get up and look!”

“Yeah, well I want to know why you undressed me?”

“Maybe because you’d be comfortable without them.”

“Yeah right, is that all Joe?”

“Shit what the hell do you take me for, Billy?”

“I know what you’re like, shit you better not have touched me, Joe…”

“Oh yeah I fuckin touched you, I ran my hands all over your naked body and played with your cock until you were hard and…”

“Shut the fuck up…”

“Why don’t you grow the fuck up Billy, maybe you’re not my top priority in life despite how highly you think of yourself. Mr fuckin Billy Tallent, do you think no one can say no to you or want you, Billy.”

“Just forget it, I’m going for a shower and then we need to hit the road.”

“Wake me when it’s time to leave.”

Great I could see this would be one fun journey, already I was regretting my decision to stay and do this reunion gig. I did feel better once I was dressed and I’d phoned Alex, it was times like this that I realized how much I missed the man and wished he was here with me. Then he told me that he had to go away for a few days to do a job and would call when he could, he also told me that he was planning a couple of surprises for me and that he loved me.

I had this deep down feeling that I really loved the man, maybe I was just scared that it wouldn’t work and I’d end up alone once more. If it didn’t work out with Alex or the new band my options were limited, I guess that I’d be moving back to Canada and I didn’t want to. I guess my body had adjusted to warmer weather too, great now I would be on the road in a clapped out van freezing my ass off.

I was ready to leave and woke Joe up, however he pissed around at doing things and we never picked Jonny and Pipe up until ten. Well we were already four hours behind schedule, then it was to be many hours spent driving and just stopping at shitty diners to eat along the way. I thought back to my past and how I’d known Joe since I were thirteen years old, and our dream was always to be a big band someday.

Twelve years we were a band and had thousands of fans, then Joe fucked it up bigtime with all the record producers because he didn’t want to move up to the next level. I guess that was when things started to really change between the two of us, and to a certain degree I’d blamed Joe for holding me back and stopping me from reaching my potential.

We spent a lot of the journey arguing and I tried my best to just ignore them all, I was happy enough just to relax and read a book until we got there. We did reach Calgary on time though and that surprised me, yet once we walked out on that stage I felt good. I guess I actually felt real good and it was like I was high or something, we all became one as a band and gave it everything we had that night.

We talked afterwards and I realized that I did miss them, but just not enough to come back permanently. Especially as I realized we’d be sleeping in the fuckin freezing cold van instead of the hotel Joe promised. I had very little sleep and woke up cold and pissed off, Joe was also refusing to let anyone else drive through the night and that worried me too. Years ago, I’d have seen the fun in everything we did, I guess you do all the drugs and take the risks believing your indestructible. I was older now and going places, also I had a reason to live too.

Then we arrived in Regina and I got the call I was waiting for, I guess it was a shame I never got the job I wanted though. Turns out the band’s guitarist was now out of rehab and was going back to the band, I was no longer needed as I’d chose to tour with Joe and wasn’t available to them. That one fuckin call had practically destroyed my entire future, along with all my hopes and dreams of going somewhere big.

I fucked up and started the drinking long before we went on stage that night, yet somehow I managed to keep upright and play until the end. The place was dead anyway and I was past giving a shit. I just wanted to go to the after party and start drinking all over again, yet first I had to mingle with the fans and that was a nightmare in itself. I was even starting to question my own sanity now too, especially when a fan you slept with turns up with a fuckin kid in tow and it’s called Billie.

I ended up in a diner with Joe and at least he managed to make me laugh, well it was that or the drugs I was doing when no one was around. To be honest I didn’t give a shit how high I became tonight as Joe had booked motel rooms, the bastard then decided it would be fun to take a couple of prostitutes back with us.

I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone right now, hell I don’t think I was even capable of doing much either. We’d no sooner entered the room before I collapsed on the nearest bed out of it, then I felt someone’s hand grabbing me and turning me over. Fuck then someone slapped me hard enough to make my fuckin head spin, okay spin far worse than it was already spinning.

“Billy, wake the fuck up.”

“Leave me the fuck alone, Joe…”

“Hey, this is no way to party and show people a good time.”

“You party with them then, just make sure you leave me the fuck alone or else.”

“Or else what Billiam, bring it on if your man enough.”

I grabbed the pillow and shoved it over my head, it was then that I heard one of the hookers moaning about us both. Apparently, I was a fucked up useless druggie, oh and that Joe was more concerned with me than them so they were leaving. I noticed that Joe never did anything to stop them either and I didn’t care, all I wanted was some sleep and for everyone to fuck off including Joe.

Suddenly Joe started yelling and that did my head in even more, then suddenly he rushed out of the room and my prayers were answered. Finally, I managed to close my eyes and block out everything, well that was until Joe decided to come back and started yelling at me now as I was the only one here.

“Shit can you shut the fuck up Joe, some of us are trying to sleep here.”

“Fuck you Billy, if you weren’t always so fuckin needy all the time we’d still have our money.”

“What are you talkin about now?”

“They stole our fuckin money Billy, not that you give a shit do you. Mr fuckin Billy Tallent, yeah well you’re nothing more than a needy little fuckin prick.”

“Fuck you, Joe.”

“No fuck you Billy…”

Shit suddenly I felt Joe’s hands on me as he pulled my jeans and underwear down, then I never even had a chance to fight him off as he bent my arm behind my back and held it there.

“Joe get the fuck off me; I swear I’ll fuckin kill you if you touch me.”

“Don’t lay there and pretend you don’t want this, Billy; you’ve wanted it since you were a fuckin kid.”

“Not like this… Shit Joe I’ve met someone and have a partner…”

“Yeah, well you should have thought about that before you came back to me, Billy.”

“Go on then Joe just fuckin do it if it makes you happy, shit why the hell do you need me when there’s so many other people out there?”

“You’re different Billiam and you’re mine.”

“Look just release my arm and I promise I won’t fight; shit I couldn’t move even if I wanted to.”

Joe let go off my arm and trapped me with his body instead, while I just lay here as he forced himself inside me and started fucking me. All I kept thinking was about all the times I’d said no, then the bastard got what he wanted in the end anyway. There was nothing gentle about any of this and Joe was only concerned with himself, so in the end I just lay still until he finally came inside me and made me feel like nothing.

“Roll over, Billy.”


“Just fuckin do it.”

I did as he asked so he’d leave me alone, god then he was on me and started kissing me which was too intimate. Soon he forced my mouth open and that was when I felt something slip inside, shit knowing Joe it would be LSD of something like that.

“Shit I’ve already taken a ton of crap tonight, Joe.”

“Just relax Billy and let Daddy take care of you.”

“Yeah, well you can fuck off with that shit, let me up Joe so I can take a piss.”

Joe moved and I went to use the bathroom, which was an experience in itself as I was as high as a kite. I returned to the room and found Joe sat on the small couch, well I could see what he’d being busy doing while I were gone. The man was sat on the couch totally naked with his cock in his hand, how the fuck could he be getting hard so fast after all the booze and shit.

Some part of me was screaming at myself that this was wrong, there was some logical reason why I shouldn’t be doing this but my memory failed me. I stood there and stripped out of all my own clothes, then I went over to Joe and sat across his groin like he was my lover or something.

“Joe, make me come…”

“Whoa one minute you’re a stuck up prick and now you’re the super slut.”

“That’s not very nice, Joe.”

“I was only joking; you can be like this anytime you want with me, Billy.”

“So, will you make me come then?”

“Go lay on the bed, Billy.”

I did as Joe wanted and then he soon followed, then not long after he was sucking my cock like there was no tomorrow. and I screamed out as he deep throated me and shoved a finger in my ass, then he started talking and I was so fuckin hot and desperate.

“You’re mine Billy, no one else will ever touch you and I’ll kill them if they try. Only I get to make you come and fuck your tight ass, now and always Billy so make sure you remember that. Joe dick owns you; you answer to me Billy and can forget about everyone else”

“Shit I’m gonna come…”

“You’re mine Billy and I’m not letting you go ever again.”

Suddenly I was coming and my whole body was on fire, Joe rode the orgasm out with me and never moved his mouth away until I was finished. Then he rolled me over and fucked me without and preparation, I was just thankful that I was still stretched from earlier on. I listened to Joe talk and moan about everything, well mainly me and how I were his. He kept it up until he came and then collapsed on top of me, finally I was exhausted and fell asleep.

I woke and my whole body ached, it was then that I realized someone had their arm around me and was holding me tight. At first, I thought about Alex and how he always slept with his arm around me, then all the memories of last night hit me full on. I’d fucked up beyond belief by giving Joe what he wanted, now he’d never want to let me go and things would be far worse between us.

I slid out from beneath his arm glad that he was a heavy sleeper, I then quickly dressed and left the room. I had to get the hell out of here as I couldn’t breathe, and for once the freezing cold air felt good as I walked to get some cash for the rooms. The drive to Winnipeg was made in silence, I knew that I was trying to avoid Joe and I’d only succeed for so long before it all came crashing down. I’d fucked up and was pissed off with myself, also Alex hadn’t even called me and that pissed me off too. Fuck then we reached the gig and the place was fuckin closed, now I was well and truly fucked with everyone. Joe started on me and I walked away, the bastard wanted me to accept what had happened between us and knew I was blocking it out.

At first, I wasn’t happy about having to spend another night in the freezing van, but then I realized I wouldn’t have to talk to Joe if John and Pipe were there with us too. Yeah right, John was finally flipping out and really should be back in the fuckin loony bin. I guess we’d all got lost along the way and was dealing with our own shit, somehow we’d overlooked what was right in front of us. Even so the bastard could have kept his mouth shut, now I’d have Joe on my back about this Jenifur gig too.

We finally pulled over and we were all still arguing, hell maybe we should all just quit and fuck off back home. Okay I accused Joe of a few things too as I was still pissed off, I accused him of fucking me off over the years and accused him of going out of his way to fuck with me now. Once the words left my mouth I realized what I’d said, okay so maybe they weren’t the best choice of words under the circumstances.

Straight away Joe stopped pacing and turned to look at me, yet there was something totally unreadable in his eyes and for once he actually scared me. There I was thinking John was the fucked up one out of us all, well we either got back on the road or called this whole thing off.

Then it was Pipe who suggested we go and visit Bucky Haight so we didn’t have to sleep in the van, Joe seemed somewhat reluctant about us going despite we’d just done a charity gig for the man and he was a friend. Well in the end it was decided and we were going there no matter what, I used the time there to think about things and also what the hell I would say to Alex when I saw him. Shit the man was in love with me and I’d betrayed him in the worst way possible too, how could I tell him that I’d let Joe use me like he had.

Also, there was what I’d come back to, we were barley functioning now and I didn’t think John would see it to the end, maybe we could take him to the loony bin once this was all over. Then there was Joe, shit right now I didn’t want to think about him and how the trip had changed him. Maybe Pipe really was doing better than all of us and would be there to the end, two more fucking gigs and I would be out of here faster than anything.

Little did I realize just how low Joe would go to get what he wanted, and that was mainly me. We arrived at Bucky’s and I noticed Joe was rather quiet, shit then everything fell into place and the man had used Bucky to get me to come back. He’d lied to me about the man’s injuries and like an idiot I’d come running, Joe Dick wanted me here and I came like his bitch in heat.

I think that was one of the main reasons I took even more LSD, it was that or I’d fuckin kill Joe before we even left here. Really, I wanted to kill him right now but that wouldn’t help my career much, also Joe wasn’t worth going to prison for.

The drugs always fucked me up bigtime, they fucked with my head and made everything seem alright once more. Well they did at first, yet some of the sights I saw was rather disturbing at times and I was glad when it was finally over. On the upside Bucky had given me one of his guitars and I fuckin loved it, and I saw it as something positive coming out of this whole god damn mess.

Even though I realized Joe was still my friend and that was why the lies hurt, I liked the man but I didn’t like being around him most of the time. It was morning and we was leaving here and heading towards Saskatoon, maybe I could try calling Alex and see if he was back home yet as I missed him. I’d decided that I wouldn’t mention anything with regards to Joe and what we did, I couldn’t do it to him because I knew it would destroy him.

We arrived I Saskatoon and I got the biggest surprise of my life; we’d pulled up at the venue and walked inside the club to find Alex sat there waiting for me. I just stopped dead in my tracks and had to look at him twice, part of me believed I was tired and just imagining that he was here. Well, I soon realized he was real when he came up to me and hugged me, also I could tell by the look on Joe’s face too.

“Alex, what are you doing here?”

“I thought I’d surprise you, Billy.”

“Yeah, well shit you’ve managed to do that alright, how long are you here for?”

“Not long I’m afraid, I’m actually working and have to be in Edmonton in a few hours. Look I just thought we could spend a couple of hours together and I’d watch you play; however, I’ll have to disappear before the end.”

“Hey, I’m just glad you’re here.”

“I figured we could meet back up in Edmonton after your gig, maybe get a plane back home together.”

“Yeah, that’d be good, can we go for a walk or something as we need to talk Alex.”

I was as nervous as fuck having Alex and Joe under the same roof, I figured all I had to do was keep them apart until the gig started. I found Pipe and asked him to tell Joe I’d be back in plenty of time for the gig, also for him to say nothing about Alex or where we were going.

“So where are we going Billy, as it’s freezing out here?”

“I don’t know I just needed some air, I guess I’ve spent far too long stuck in that van and at smoky bars.”

“Well how long have you got?”

“Maybe an hour or so.”

Alex grabbed my hand and pulled me down a few back streets and then he finally stopped, it was then that he pointed at the motel and pulled a key out of his pocket. He never even said a word to me as we took the stairs to the second floor and found his room, then once inside he shoved me backwards onto the bed.

“You seem rather tense Billy, here let me make you relax and feel good before you go on stage.”

“Alex, I thought we were going to talk.”

“Hey I’ll still be using my mouth and that’s all that matters right now.”

“Oh fuck…”

I was beyond speech as Alex opened my jeans and pulled my semi hard cock out, not that it remained that way once it was inside his warm mouth. God, I realized just how much I’d missed this man and wanted him, it had to be love as there could be nothing else to explain the feelings I had for him. Shit then my mind remembered another time and I felt like a complete bastard, how could I love this man and fuck around with Joe. Right now all my emotions were conflicting with each other and I was a mess, Alex was taking me apart and I was coming fast along with the tears.

“Hey I wasn’t that bad was I, come on Billy talk to me as I know somethings wrong.”

“I’m tired that’s all, oh and also the Jenifur gig fell through too.”

“Billy something else will come along soon, look you better dress so I can get you back to the gig.”

“Yeah, and thanks Alex.”

“Billy, I love you and want you to be happy, that’s why I’ve done a lot of thinking while you were away.”

“Such as, is it something I should be worried about?”

“I want you to move in with me when we go back home, I don’t want you living in one motel after another okay.”

“Shit I wasn’t expecting that, I just thought I’d be back on the road soon I guess.”

“Look you can do that when your touring, other than that I want us to be together.”

“Yeah, okay I’d like that.”

“Good come on then we’d better get you back.”

I arrived back at the club with very little time to spare, Alex kissed me and I knew he’d be gone once I finished the gig. Well at least I’d see him again soon in Edmonton and then we’d go home, yeah and I’d just agreed to move in with him too. I knew I’d have to deal with Joe too, I couldn’t have the man calling me back to him whenever it suited him, well not if I wanted to stay with Alex.

The night went reasonably well and I was beyond exhausted now, then I thought about things and realized we’d soon be back on the road and it was to be the final gig as Hard Core Logo. Part of me felt lost at the thought of us parting once more, last time I’d thought it was over for good and fell for Joe’s shit and came back.

Talking about Joe, he wanted to talk and I’d expected it to be about who Alex was and what he was doing here. Maybe Joe realized it wasn’t the time or place as he said nothing, he’d wanted to discuss us and what my plans were for after Edmonton. The man can be so fucked up at times and still thinks we can make a go of things together just me and him, he reckons John will end up in the loony bin and that Pipe is useless.

So, Joe wants to get rid of half the band, and do god only knows what together with me. Okay maybe if I just agree it will keep him off my back until this is all over, I had no gig to go to after this but I didn’t want to stay here. Also, even if Joe would travel it wouldn’t work, no of course it wouldn’t when I was hiding a big dirty secret from Alex.

I realized in some ways I was perhaps worse than Joe and that scared me, well all I had to do was keep them apart for now and pray Joe wasn’t playing me like an idiot. I had this idea that he’d tell Alex about us if I refused to stay with him, maybe after the last gig I could just slip away with Alex. For now, I just had to prepare myself mentally for Edmonton, as I always had this thing for trying to get ahead of myself.

Well, it turned out Joe was the one getting ahead of himself, he was all talk about a tour with up to thirty thousand people attending and expected me to go along. I knew deep down that John wouldn’t be capable of that in just a few weeks, also it would mean me staying here and ending what I had with Alex.

Straight away Joe knew that I was hiding something and as usual it pissed him off, he tried so hard to get me alone but it just wasn’t happening, we were staying in a band house and there was always someone coming in and out. All this did was piss Joe off even more, I guess that was the only reason I agreed to take a walk with him before it all got out of hand.

I guess I also wanted to keep a part of my life private too, and with the film crew everywhere it wasn’t a good idea to have Joe lose it and blurt everything out on film for the world to see. We walked away from the main part of the house out of sight from everyone, there were some old outbuildings so we headed that way to discuss what was pissing Joe off.

“Talk, Billy.”

“You were the one who wanted to talk Joe.”

“I get this feeling you’re hiding something, also who was the bloke back in Saskatoon as people are talking?”

“I told you that I’d met someone Joe.”

“Yet it never stopped you the other night did it, Billiam.”

“Fuck you Joe, it’s got nothing to do with you as I can do what I want…”

Suddenly I found myself spun around and facing the brick building, then Joe used all his weight to make sure I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Even when we were younger I hated being the skinny kid, Joe always managed to gain an advantage over me and still did to this day.

“I asked you a question, Billy.”

“Just get the fuck off me…”

“Not until you admit that you’re mine.”

“I grew up Joe and you can’t push me around anymore; you’ve screwed with me so many times and fucked my life up for me.”

“That’s a lie and you know it, Billy.”

Shit I felt as his hand went around me and he started groping me, the bastard then had my zip open and just let my jeans drop to my ankles. Fuck he’d really gone too far now and I couldn’t talk to him when he was like this, oh and also, I was freezing my fuckin ass off exposed like this.

“Joe, let go of me now…”

“Poor Billiam, am I not good enough for you now?”

“You fuckin bastard, just get the fuck off me and let me go.”

“Not until you admit that you want me, admit that you belong to me Billy.”

“Shit face it, you’ve fucked up Joe and have gone too far this time.”

Joe had one hand pinning me to the wall while his other played with my dick, the bastard knew what he was doing and my body started reacting to it all. Shit no this was so unfair and he knew it, not that it mattered as everything always had to be Joe’s way or no way.

“Say it Billy, look even your body knows who it belongs to.”

“I fuckin hate you, Joe.”

“You’re only lying to yourself Billy, you know that you want this. Hell, you get off on playing the fuckin victim, poor poor little Billy having to cope in such a big bad world.”

I was so close and now I was desperate too, also I had Joe breathing in my ear and licking my neck. Then I was sixteen all over again and it was so easy back then, a time when no one else existed except for me and Joe down in that basement. The cold brick walls that I’d willingly faced while he got me off, it was all too much as he grabbed my hair and spoke into my ear as I came.

“Say it Billy, or this all ends right here.”

“God, I need you, Joe, and I’m yours.”

“See it wasn’t that hard was it, Billy.”

Joe let go off me and I pulled my clothes back up, then all I could do was stand there as the tears ran down my face. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with Joe, how the hell could I when he’d treat me like this all the time. I also knew I couldn’t move in with Alex either, how the hell could I start a new life with all the lies I would be hiding.

Joe had gone when I finally turned around and went back to the house, once there I stripped and cleaned myself up as I had somewhere to be. Someone had delivered a note for me, it turned out that the guitarist for Jenifur wouldn’t be returning after all. I’d left and went down to the local radio station, as right now I had to get my head around all that had happened in such a short time. This would mean the big time; it was to be my one chance at real fame and playing full time in a big band.

Then I remembered Joe and the promise I’d made him; I’d promised to tour with him and stay with Hard Core Logo. Then there was Alex, hell maybe I didn’t deserve this shot at fame after all and I was too deep in my own lies to accept it. I returned and did my best to avoid Joe until we played as it was easier that way, I could do this if I pulled myself together and decided what I really wanted from life. Jenifur would mean going back to L.A, also Alex was there too so that would be good.

I just had to get past what had happened between me and Joe and that meant one of two things, I told Alex the truth or buried the lies. I decided to bury it all, I guess I was afraid the truth would drive Alex away from me. I finally realize that I love the man when I realize I could lose him, well fuck it all, as I was due on stage now and would see if Alex came after the gig and take it from there.

As soon as I walked on stage, I felt an atmosphere between us, and I just put it down to the events earlier on. Maybe Joe was actually feeling guilty for what he’d done to me, the bastard had pretty much abused me at the end of the day and he knew it. Then I noticed something else, Joe loved it when we were up close and I shared his microphone with him. Tonight, he didn’t want me near him and he kept pushing me away, also the looks were far from the usual ones Joe threw my way.

Chances are he’d decided to do some drugs before coming on stage, I guess I was so wrapped up in myself and hadn’t seen it coming. It was only as the words registered that I felt the fist that connected with my face.

“This has been a very special evening and not only is it the end of our successful reunion tour, it’s also the end of Billy Tallent’s fuckin life…”

I couldn’t understand at first what had happened and why he kept hitting me, then soon we were on the ground and still rolling around fighting until we were pulled apart. Joe wanted to hit me some more and I could see that by the way he moved towards me then backed off. So, I spat in his face and watched as he walked away from me and grabbed the booze, I loved him but I couldn’t stand here and watch the man self destruct in front of me.

All I wanted was to get as far from Joe and Edmonton as possible, it was time to accept that this part of my life was over and I’d never come back to it either. I walked out of the door and straight into Alex, and I couldn’t deal with all this now and the questions that I were supposed to answer.

“Shit, Billy, who the hell did that to you?”

“It doesn’t matter…”

“Of course it does.”

“Please drop it for me, Alex, I just want to get out of here then we can talk.”

“Okay, I got here last night and still have a room. Are you sure you’re okay Billy, or would you rather go to the hospital?”

“I’m okay as nothings broken, he took it out on my guitar instead of me. He really wanted to hurt me, he hates me now and I did this to him, Alex.”

“Billy, you’re not making much sense, look I brought you some clean clothes so you can get changed and clean yourself up.”

“I want to leave tonight Alex, just you and me…”

“Look we’ll deal with you and then I’ll see what I can do.”

The hotel was only five minutes away and I was glad to get inside, Alex cleaned me up the best he could and I changed into clean clothes. I knew that he wanted to talk and to know who’d done this to me, yet there was so much that I couldn’t say without letting some of the lies out. I couldn’t tell him about what Joe had done, that or how he’d got me off and I’d let him fuck me the other night.

My whole fuckin life didn’t make sense anymore, maybe I’d just fuck up the Jenifur gig too if I went back to L.A with Alex. Shit then there was Alex too, would I end up destroying his life along with my own? Then I realized that I loved Joe like a brother, and that was also when I realized what it was that I had to go and do. I couldn’t leave here without going back there and talking to him, if he hated me at least I could say I tried.

“Alex I was thinking about things that happened between myself and Joe, and I realized I’m as much to blame as him for what went on between us over the years.”

“Hey at least you can admit to it Billy and that’s good, the question is what you want to do about it?”

“I need to go back and see him before we leave, I’d never forgive myself if I left here without talking to him and at least trying. Shit I’ve known him most of my life and was only thirteen when we met, and I’m afraid that he’ll hate me and I couldn’t live knowing that.”

“Okay we can go back now if it’s what you want, then afterwards we can arrange a flight out of here.”

“Yeah, okay and thanks for understanding.”

“No problem, we better get going then while he’s still there.”

“It’s okay as he’ll be there for hours, knowing Joe he’ll be getting totally pissed now and doing some coke.”

“There’s one thing you need to know first, Billy.”

“What would that be?”

“I won’t stand there and let him hit you again, you have to agree that we’ll walk away if it gets out of hand or violent.”

“Yeah, I can do that, and I’m not ready to be at the end of his fist again tonight either.”

“Come on then.”

We walked out of the hotel and I could hear the sirens in the distance, and then it grew louder as the ambulance sped past us and turned the corner up ahead. I never thought anything of it until we turned the corner and saw it there, the ambulance was now parked and I watched as the lights flashed and lit up the night.

We both carried on walking and I tried not to stare as it felt wrong, plenty of people were milling around and I presumed it was some drunk that had passed out. God and then the crowd were pushed away and I saw a body on the ground and felt sick, straight away I saw the hair and recognized that it was Joe. I bet the fucker had drank too much and was out of it, yet as I walked forward an ambulance man stopped me.

“There’s nothing here that you would want to see, please just move back and stand over there.”

“I know him and he’s my friend, please just let me go and see him.”

“I’m sorry but you don’t want to see him like this.”

I felt Alex come up behind me and put his arm around me, he then told me he’d have a word with them and see if he could find out how bad Joe was. So now all I could do was stand here and see what he learnt, then I realized I didn’t have to wait for Alex to return and tell me. I was stood here waiting and watching, and it was then that one of the ambulance men covered Joe’s body and head. Fuck no, I started screaming and couldn’t stop, Joe couldn’t be dead as I was with him not long ago.

I collapsed to the ground and felt as if I couldn’t breathe anymore, hell I didn’t know if I even wanted to breathe now either. Joe was my friend and was always there no matter how many arguments we’d had over the years, I couldn’t live knowing he would never be there for me. Without even thinking my hand came up to my cheek and I ran a finger over the cut, now I was so fucked and couldn’t even think straight.

I would never get the chance to apologize to him for what I’d done, he’d pissed me off and I’d done the same back to him. I’d made him believe that I’d stay with him and we could tour again and even make a new record, and he had learnt that I was leaving and didn’t give a fuck about him or what happened to him. Well now I realized too late that I do care about him and what happened.

Alex came over to me and knelt down on the cold concrete, and part of me wanted to tell him to get up as he’d freeze to death. Then I wanted to cry as I thought about Joe’s body laid out on the cold ground, I had to accept that it didn’t matter to him as he was dead and gone now.

“Billy, you have to get up.”

“I need to know how he died, also I want to see him before they take him away.”

“Billy, you can’t see him…”

“Why, I need to apologize to him and say goodbye.”

“Billy, listen to me, Joe shot himself and you really don’t want to remember him as he is now.”

“Fine, can we go inside as we need to talk.”

We went into the bar and sat down, Alex went to the bar and soon returned with a brandy for me. While I sat here knowing what I was about to do would really hurt him, I’d already fucked up with Joe and I wasn’t about to do the same with Alex. I also knew that Alex was far stronger than Joe and would accept what I wanted, so I took a deep breath and swallowed the drink before I told him.

“Alex, I’m leaving.”

“Yeah okay, I’m ready when you are.”

“No, you don’t get it Alex…”

“Get what, I thought you wanted to leave tonight?”

“No, I meant I’m leaving on my own, I’m going on tour with Jenifur.”

“So, when are you coming back home?”

“I’m not, I’m going to start a new life and to do that I have to leave the past behind.”

“Billy, you don’t mean this, you’re understandably upset because of what happened with Joe.”

“I’m sorry, please just let me go and move on Alex.”

“You can’t do this, how the hell can walking away to be alone make you feel any better. Right now, you need someone with you Billy who can help you get through all this and what has happened.”

“Look it’ my decision and I’ve made up my mind.”

I got up and went over to the stage, everything was still set up from when our gig had ended. There lay my guitar that Joe had smashed up earlier on when his temper got the better of him, there was nothing left to see here and I went to walk away. Then it was only at the last minute that something caught my eye so I stopped to look, there on the stage was one of Joe’s rings. Then the tears came once more as I bent down and picked it up and then held it tight, finally I put it into my pocket and went back outside.

I had to make Alex believe this was for the best and I’d be okay, going with the new band would keep me busy and give me a reason to move forward. That was why I went into the van to collect my guitar, nothing else here held my interest and wasn’t worth taking so I got out and returned to Alex.

“Billy, will you just stop for a minute?”

“I can’t…”

“Look do you even have any money for a plane ticket out of here, or to buy anything at all for that matter?”

“I don’t know, somehow I doubt we’ll get paid for tonight after all this.”

“I can give you some money.”

“Please don’t do this Alex.”

“Do what, all I’m trying to do is help you, Billy.”

“Because I’m walking out on you and it’s not right.”

“Fine will you take it if we call it a loan, look you can pay me back once you get a regular income if it makes you feel better.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“That, or you could always just stay.”

“I can’t…”

“Just remember that I love you so much Billy.”

“Yeah, I know and I’m sorry for all this, I’m just so tired and freezing cold too.”

“Do you want to go back inside?”

“No, I just want to sit on the steps out here, can you do me a favor though Alex?”

“You know I’d do anything for you Billy.”

“Yeah I know, I just wondered if you’d pop inside the club and grab my coat.”

“Yeah, just give me a minute.”

Alex bent down and kissed me on the head before disappearing, then I waited a few seconds before getting up and walking away. This way I’d be gone when he came back and there’d be no lengthy goodbyes, I guess deep down I was scared I gave in and stayed with him. Alex deserved someone far better than me and it wasn’t fair to stay, and maybe one day he’d find someone special and realize that I’d done the right thing by walking away and leaving him for good.

I was thirty four years old and had nothing really, not that I truly deserved anything either. I’d made a decision that I knew would affect the rest of my life, it would also go against everything that I’d wanted and what had led to all of this. I know that the rest of the band saw me as some vain person who lived for the fame and glory, hell they were right and I was a selfish bastard that wanted it all.

My life and behavior had led to this and what I had right now, that was the reason that made me decide what to do, I no longer wanted the fame anymore as it destroyed me and turned me into someone else. That was the reason why I never got on a plane or even went to the airport, I’d decided that I no longer wanted to be part of the band Jenifur as it felt wrong, how the hell could I when that was the main cause of Joe killing himself.

I only came back to Canada because of him, yet he was also the reason why I had to remain here for now. I couldn’t leave until the funeral was over and I got to say my final goodbye to the man that was my best friend. I had the money from Alex and that would pay for a hostel or something here in Edmonton, I’d just have to find out when the funeral was and where they’d bury Joe.

In the end I went for the motel room as I wanted to be alone, it wasn’t like I was good company and was to spend the next few days drunk anyway. I did manage to find out that the funeral was to take place on Friday and that was only three days from now, the irony was the day that they were going to bury the man that was a huge part of my life.

I’d known Joe for over twenty years, and to make it worse he was to be buried on my thirty fifth birthday. I guess I’d forgot all about it what with all that had happened, well it looked like I’d have to have a drink that day in memory of the man I’d drove away.

Guilt was starting to eat away at me and I blamed Joe’s death solely on myself, if only I’d stayed around and helped him through everything. Well, I knew that I was delusional and in a way it was always going to end nasty, Joe would have only accepted me if I’d fully submitted and bent to the way he wanted me. Maybe even now I was stupid hanging around here, as how the hell could I go to the funeral if his mother was there. It wasn’t as if I knew how to talk to anyone about this or how I was feeling, I’d suffer alone and maybe watch from the distance if it came to it. At least I would be there and that was something I guess, it also meant I’d have to stay here until Friday too.

Joe was to be buried in Mount View cemetery right here in Edmonton, once it was over I’d have plenty of time to decide what I’d do myself. I did wonder if it would be low key, that or would there be loads of fans there wanting to say their goodbyes too. Shit I knew I’d have to be careful and make sure I wasn’t seen by any of them too, chances are word had got around with regards to the Jenifur gig and my lack of appearance.

I was meant to join the band a couple of days ago and they’d wonder where I was, well it was just another one of the great things I’d fucked up in my life. No one would want to hire me now anyway after leaving the band with no guitarist, they wouldn’t even be able to tour until they found a replacement for me.

Then I had to wonder if John and Pipe had stayed too, maybe they might be at the funeral too and that wouldn’t be good for me either. In the end I just opened another bottle of vodka and got drunk, I could deal with Friday when it came around. When Friday morning came it was wet and cold, I guess the weather just added to the fuckin gloomy depressing day that lay ahead of me.

All I wanted was for Joe to be back here with me to kick my ass again, hell I’d even let him fuck it too if it meant I could see him again. Then my future was looking glum anyway as money was running out, I’d have enough for one more night in the motel and then I’d have to move on to god knows where. To think I was thirty five today and I’d made nothing of myself, I remembered back to all the times I’d spent with Joe as kids and how we’d planned to rule the world.

I grabbed my coat and baseball cap, soon I put my collar up and prepared to brave the weather as I said a final goodbye to Joe. Once I made it to the cemetery it was easy to stay back and out of sight, and in some ways, I had to be alone to deal with my grief in my own way. I waited until everyone left and then went over to his grave, and that was where I spent most of my birthday. I spent it getting drunk and thinking about my past, about all the other birthdays I’d spent with Joe however, back then it was the future we thought about and not the past.

I had no idea how long I stayed there at his graveside; I did know that night was coming now and that I was freezing cold. That was when I knew the time had come to leave Joe behind and move on, even so, as far as I was concerned Billy Tallent also died that night too. I’d go back to the motel and spend my final night there where it was warm and I could sleep, maybe tomorrow I would think about my future and where the hell I’d go from here.

I walked back and was glad to be in the warmth once more, I wasn’t as drunk as I’d hoped to be and I presumed my body was adjusting to the amount I was drinking lately. Not that I’d be able to afford anymore now as money was pretty much non existent, that was also the reason I was contemplating going back home while I were in Canada.

My mom would be glad to see me as we hadn’t spoken to each other for a long time now, my dad though was a totally different matter as he hated Joe and always had. Not that I had a choice about it, unless I could come up with the money to go somewhere else and that didn’t look like it would happen anytime soon.

So, the next day I head back home hoping that I could stay there until I sorted myself out, all I’d need were a few weeks to get my head sorted out and accept that Joe wasn’t coming back. I was so nervous and it was as if I were visiting strangers instead of my parents, I even walked up and down before I got the nerve to walk up to the door and knock.

In some ways I felt like a total bastard, here I were coming back home because I had nowhere else to go anymore. As I’d left home thinking I was someone and that I deserved so much more, I’d become Billy Tallent and was untouchable. My mother would welcome me back even if I’d murdered someone, I guess I was her son and she accepted me for who I am. Now I raised my hand and plucked up the courage to knock, and I just prayed that it was my mother that answered the door.


“William you’ve come back home, I’d wondered when I’d see you again.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry for not coming sooner, just you know how dad can be with me at times.”

“Well, you know that he doesn’t like you hanging around with Joe Mulgrew.”

“Mom, Joe died a couple of weeks ago.”

“Oh, William I’m so sorry, I know that you were close to him.”

“Yeah well, I’d rather not talk about it right now, also where’s dad right now?”

“He’s working away for a couple of months, the pays good and it keeps him out of my hair. You can take your stuff to your room and get settled; you’d find it pretty much the same way as you left it.”

“Thanks mom.”

I went to my room and was overcome with all the emotions; shit it was like going back in time to when I were a kid. I guess the house held so many memories from my time with Joe, we’d hung out together nearly every single day when we were growing up. Maybe I was the idiot and should have known what would happen, even back then Joe had always claimed that I belonged to him.

I remembered the songs that we’d wrote together in this very room, I could also remember how we drank and had fun when my parents would go out for the night. We always had fun unless my dad was in a bad mood, he hated Joe right from the start and claimed he would get me into trouble.

This was now to become my life, and for the next six months I forced myself to face up to a life without the man that I’d grown to love over the years. Living in this house and sleeping in this room left me with no choice, Joe was everywhere. I think that was the reason why I turned to the drink too, at first, I was trying to block out Joe along with my father. Things would go okay as long as I stayed out of his way, not that it bothered me as I just stayed in my room and got drunk.

Then one day I knew things were coming to a head, I could hear my parents as they argued about me most days. My mom didn’t want to lose me or even want me to go, yet my father claimed I’d outstayed my welcome and he wanted me gone. Yeah well I did what I was good at, I’d pawned what was left of my stuff here and then went out to find the nearest bar.

I sat there and drank far more than was healthy and I didn’t care, not that it was long before someone was trying to hit on me and buy me a drink. At first, I’d tried to look totally uninterested but they were persistent, then in the end I thought fuck it why not. Maybe it would be a good way of getting over both Joe and Alex, and I figured a quick fuck was all I was worth to anyone anyway.

We walked back to my parent’s place and went straight upstairs; I knew now would not be a good time to deal with my father or his temper. Then there was the fact that I couldn’t even introduce the man to them anyway, I was so drunk and couldn’t even remember what he was called and that would just piss my dad off even more.

Soon we were inside the room and I removed my jacket as he did the same, then we were kissing and I realized it felt so wrong and as if Joe and Alex never even mattered. Well, I’d survive and see this through to the end now I’d started, as it was just sex I wanted and not a relationship. I’d then knelt on the floor and soon had the man’s erection deep inside my mouth, well that was until the door flew open and someone was pulling me up by my hair.

“You dirty fuckin bastard, I can’t believe you brought someone back here to do this under my own roof.”

“Dad just get the fuck off me, shit I’m thirty five years old and can do what the hell I want!”

“Not under my roof…Also your friend here can leave before I throw him out.”

“Get the fuck off me then so I can get up.”

“You can also leave Billy as you’re no son of mine, you’re nothing but a dirty faggot just like that friend of yours was years ago.”

“You leave Joe out of this.”

“Yeah Joe that was it, I should have known you’d turn out like this when you hung around with him. So, where the hell is he Billy, I’d have thought you’d be still hanging out with the dirty faggot?”

“He’s fuckin dead, there are you happy now.”

“Yeah, I’m not surprised considering the way he lived his life, not that I give a shit as it’s one less like you in the world.”

I couldn’t believe that he was saying this, I could take this if he hated me but not Joe. The man wasn’t even here to defend himself anymore and I couldn’t let my dad slag him off, so without thinking I stood up and punched my father in the face. It wasn’t one of my brightest ideas as he was far bigger than me, and I soon realized that when he slammed me into the wall and punched me in the stomach.

“You always were so weak and pathetic Billy, you’re nothing but a disgrace to myself and this family and I don’t want you here.”

“Mom might want me here, how about we go and ask her whether she wants me to leave or not…”

“I’m the man of this house and my say is final, not that you know what being a man means in any respect whatsoever.”

The bastard was really trying to provoke me now and I’d had enough, I raised my fist and punched him once more just as the police entered. Straight away I was read my rights and cuffed, then I was led to the waiting police car as my father spoke to the other officer. Great now I knew I’d be stuck in a police station for hours, also my future would depend on what my father tells them I’ve done. Knowing that bastard he’ll want me charging with everything possible, not that I could do much at the moment as we drove to the station.

“Right, I’m officer Rogers and I’ll be dealing with you for now, first I want to check out some details and then you can make a call.”

“Yeah okay, do you know what I’m getting charged with other than the obvious?”

“Tonight, you’ll be kept in a cell and we’ll take it from there, an officer will go and speak with your father tomorrow morning.”

“Yeah, that all sound fair enough.”

“Right can you confirm your name for me please?”

“It’s William Boisy.”


“Thirty five.”


“Well, I was staying with my parents for a while and they won’t have me back, so I guess I have no address to give you.”

“What about before you moved in with them?”

“I was always on the road touring.”

“Okay I take it you’re a musician or something?”

“Yeah, I was on the road with Hard Core Logo before all of this.”

“Didn’t the singer die a few months back?”

“Yeah, I guess that’s why I’ve just gone from place to place since then.”

“Do you have anyone that you can call?”

“Yeah, a friend.”

“Okay I’ll let you make that call then.”

I realized this call was going to be hard to make, especially as I’d told him to leave and haven’t spoken to him since. Alex must realize by now that I’d done it for him, yet here I were calling him when I had no one else to talk to. Part of me wished I’d gone back with him to America as I still loved him, and right now I had to forget about that and just make the damn call.

I got so worked up and was scared to hear what he might say, instead all I got was a monotone voice that wasn’t even fuckin real. I redialed again and was once more informed that the number was no longer in service, I guess in a way it was a fitting justice and all that I deserved from him. Soon I was led into a small cell and would spend the night here trying to clear my head, now most of my thoughts drifted to Alex and as to where he might be.

I wondered if I really had meant that much to Alex, and whether he’d moved on the minute I was out of his life. Not that I could blame him if he had, I was the one that ditched him along with everyone else in my life. Thinking about it and what I’d done, hell I had a history for pissing off anyone that came in contact with me. My father had always hated me and that was a fact, and now he got to pay me back for the time I’d spent with Joe years ago.

Joe had drank since we were teenagers and sometimes I drank with him, shit even back then the man could wrap me around his little finger. Well, I guess we were drunk and one thing had led to another, somehow Joe had talked me into giving him a blow job and I’d wanted to do it. Shit and that was when my father had walked in on us both, Joe was sent home and I suffered a beating.

That’s why I wasn’t surprised with the news the police officer brought me the next morning, my father intended to have me charged with assault and wanted me to pay for what I’d done. Yeah well, he was the one that fuckin started when he grabbed me by my hair and started to insult Joe, I guess it was then that I realized I was well and truly on my own now.

I was to be bailed for three months until the court date providing, I had an address to go to, well at least the officer helped and managed to find me a halfway house with an empty room. So now here I was in some strange house, and the room was tiny and consisted of a small bed and a chest of drawers. Well, I knew that I had to spend the next three months here or go to prison, at first I had no idea what I’d even do for money or how I’d survive.

Later that day a worker at the hostel came by to see me, they also informed me of a local factory that would pay me to pack some boxes up each day. So that was my life for three months, just packing boxes each day and getting drunk at night. It was now ten months since I’d lost Joe and it still hurt so much, then I realized that I wanted Alex too and should never have left him back then. I suppose in a way I needed this time to sort out my head and move on, as back then what I had with Alex wouldn’t have survived after the events with Joe.

I really had to stop drinking and get my head sorted out, apparently tomorrow I had to go back to the police station to see what my future held. Okay I was shitting myself at the thought of going to prison and what might happen, and I knew everything came down to my father’s decision. I knew that I wouldn’t survive in prison and would fall apart, also I was petrified of how some prisoners might want to use me while I were there.

I also knew this would be my last night here too, it was somewhere to stay while I were on bail and that would change come tomorrow. I guess I would either walk away and be free, that or it would be some cell in a prison. I would deal with the police and then worry about the following night, as it wouldn’t be the first time I’d slept rough or the last.

I packed what little I had and walked into the station with my head held high, why the fuck should I hide from an abusive father who deserved all he got and more. The officer led me into a small room and told me to take a seat, he then explained that my father had dropped all charges and that there was someone here who wanted to see me. I was left in the room to wait, it was only a few minutes later when the door opened and my mother walked in with the officer.

“How are you doing, Billy?”

“I’m good mom so don’t worry; I take it that you were the one that made dad change his mind?”

“You don’t deserve to go to prison Billy, especially as you’ve already suffered so much at his hands.”

“He started slagging Joe off and I just lost it.”

“I know, and you don’t have to explain yourself to me as I know what he’s like around you.”

“Yeah, as homophobic as they come, he’s always hated Joe and blamed him for everything.”

“What will you do with yourself now, Billy?”

“I don’t know, guess I ‘ll find a job or something.”

“Good, you need to find yourself a good man and settle down with him.”

“Yeah, if only it was that easy.”

“I want you to take this money Billy, it will help you find a place to rent until you can get a job.”

“I can’t take your money mom.”

“Billy, I insist, I just want you to look after yourself as you are my son after all.”

“I appreciate it and thanks.”

“Maybe I’ll see you again sometime.”

“Yeah, I’ll call first though to make sure dads out.”

My mum stood and hugged me tight, then she turned and left without saying another word. I knew that she was crying and it was hard on her, I guess that’s life when you have a fuck up like me for a son. Finally, I was also allowed to leave, yet it was then that I realized I had nowhere to go now.

In the end I used some of the money to buy vodka, then I made my way to Mount Pleasant cemetery to visit Joe and have a drink with him. It was cold out here now and it felt rather refreshing to be free of everything, also Joe couldn’t answer me back and that was good too. I drank over half the bottle neat and then fell asleep upon his grave, yet worse was waking up and finding it was dark and I was alone here.

It felt really strange here now and had an eerie feeling to it, and then I remembered the vodka and presumed I’d drank far too much as places like this never bothered me before. Then I jumped when I heard a voice I knew so well, okay maybe I’d hit my head and hadn’t realized.

“Billiam, what are you doing here?”

“Shit now I’m fuckin hallucinating…”

I tried moving backwards so I could get away from this vision of Joe, shit it was then that I smacked my back against the concrete headstone.


“Billiam if I’m not here why are you trying to get away from me?”

“God, I don’t fuckin know, you can’t be here because your dead!”

“Admit that you missed me, Billy.”

“Of course I fuckin missed you, hell you’re a selfish bastard and left me here to suffer.”

“Billy you were the one that was ditching me, what happened to you making it big Mr Billy fuckin Hollywood?”

“Fuck you, Joe.”

“Sorry no can do as I’m dead.”

“You don’t change do you, Joe.”

“I loved you Billy, you were meant to be mine and mine only. Hell, I wasn’t good enough and you wanted a better life, yet you’re here sleeping in a fuckin graveyard!”

“Yeah, well I fucked up yet again.”

“You need to move on Billy and accept that it is what it is, go find that boyfriend you had and see if he can help you.”

“God you must be dead if you can talk about me with someone else.”

“Billy, all I want is for you to be happy, and it’s not as if I can have you is it.”

“I guess not.”

I drank the rest of the vodka and finally passed out, come morning I presumed Joe was just my drunken imagination playing games with me. Even so, I slept rough for weeks to come and just drank every day. Then at least once a week I would return to the cemetery and Joe’s grave, part of me wanted him to be there as I was so lonely now and had no one. Shit I would even talk to the dead if it meant I wasn’t alone, not that he ever showed up again.

Then the week came that marked the one year anniversary of Joe’s death, I decided to go visit him and have a drink in his memory. Yeah well that was a fuckin joke, I got there to find a huge hole and Joe’s body was gone. It turned out that someone had stolen his body during the night and no one knew where it was, so now I’d have to go to the place where Joe took his last breath.

It was freezing cold now as I sat here on the steps, bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I could imagine Joe sitting in this very same spot the night he killed himself, imagining how he must have felt so betrayed by the one person he loved and trusted.

Then the tears came and I realized I’d lost everything that night, I’d lost my past, present and future because I wanted more. I was tired and didn’t notice someone standing in front of me, well not until they spoke my name.


I looked up and saw the wary green eyes watching me and knew I was hallucinating again, yet all it did was cause the pain in my chest to increase and I could barely breathe or say his name.


“Yeah, it’s me, god I’ve missed you so much and I’m just so glad I found you again.”

“You were looking for me?”

“Yeah, I think we need to talk, don’t you?”

“Yeah I think we do too, I just don’t think my brain will cooperate though right now.”

“Hey, it’s only natural you wanted a drink tonight.”

“Yeah, tonight and every night for the past few months, all I wanted was to pay my respects to Joe.”

“I’m glad you did or I might not have found you at all.”

“Joe wanted me to find you…”

“Billy, come back to the motel with me and you can get some sleep, that way we can talk tomorrow when you’ve sobered up.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure, I still love you so much, Billy.”

“Yeah, I’ll come with you then.”

“You won’t regret it, Billy.”

I stood and nearly fell over face first, as Alex took the near empty bottle from me and placed it on the steps out of the way. I tried standing once more and Alex held on to me, in some ways it was like going back to the night Joe died. It was the one year anniversary of Joe’s death; it was also a year too that I walked away from Alex. This time I had to sort my head out and get it right, as Joe was gone and Alex was still here with me now.

So, I went to the motel with him and he put me to bed with the promise of talking later, however I was surprised to find out that he’d spent the night asleep in the chair instead of with me. I’d opened my eyes and had one hell of a headache this morning, and also I only had myself to blame too.

Great and now the doubts started to settle in once more and I felt sick, Alex was here with me and wanted to talk despite keeping his distance from me. I guess I was an idiot for expecting anything else from the man considering our past, I was the one who’d walked out on him and never even stayed in touch.

“Billy, are you okay, you just seem miles away that’s all?”

“Alex, why did you come here looking for me?”

“Because I love you.”

“So why are you sleeping in a chair then?”

“Billy, you’ve suffered a lot and I wanted to give you some space, believe me I want you for far more than just sex.”

“Ha, I’m sure I was far too drunk to do much regardless. Look I’m stupid and thought…never mind all I need is some time to clear my head.”

“As long as you’re not planning to run out on me again?”

“I’m sorry Alex and believed at the time it was for the best, I couldn’t handle anything back then. Not that I’m much better now with regards to some stuff, but I do know that I love you and I’m glad you came back.”

“I love you too Billy, is this where you’ve been since the day you walked out. I’m just trying to understand what happened to you over the last year and why you never joined that band?”

“I couldn’t deal with the fame and good life after Joe and what he did, he was my best friend and it felt so wrong at the time too. I guess his death changed me, and at the end of the day I became Billy Boisy once more and a nobody.”

“You will never be a nobody to me Billy, that’s why I want you to come back home with me where you belong.”

“Where’s home Alex, as I called you in LA and the number was disconnected.”

“I stayed there for another six months after you left Billy, then something happened and I didn’t feel safe there anymore. So, I moved to Chicago and I’m still there, then I found someone and everything changed.”

“Shit I never thought about that, so where is this someone now, Alex?”

“I didn’t mean I was seeing someone Billy; it was a job and I had to do something bad to someone because of the Italian mob. I had to get rid of the man but I couldn’t, he was a Chicago policeman and he looked just like you, Billy.”

“So, you helped him because he looked similar to me…”

“Billy he was your double and I realized how much I wanted you back, that was why I started searching for you and wasn’t going to give up until I found you.”

“So, you really want me to move to Chicago with you?”

“Yeah, I do, I can have us on a flight home within hours.”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

I went and had a long shower while Alex called the airport to arrange our flight, for me this would be a second chance and sometimes I had to question whether I even deserved it. It was a year since Joe ended his life and it was time to move on and live again, I’d never forget Joe or the time we’d spent together over the years. I just had a feeling I’d move on easier if I left Canada, ha not that Chicago would have sat at the top of my list of places to live.

Well for now all I had to do was dress and get ready to leave, I loved Alex and wanted this to work more than anything. I did question just how much this other man looked like me, especially as he was a cop in Chicago and could have enemies there. I guess I wanted to move to some place that was safe, a place where I could live my life and be happy once more.

“So, Billy Tallent are you ready to leave?”



“My name’s Billy Boisy.”

“To me you will always be Billy Tallent, and I believe that one day the name Billy Tallent will become a household name that’s known by many.”

“If only.”

Well maybe he was right and I would keep the name, after all and anything was better than Billiam at the end of the day, not that anyone would ever call me that again now that Joe was gone. So, I said my goodbye’s to Joe and Canada, now I was finally ready to move on and start again.

I soon settled into my new life and was happy living here in Chicago with Alex, well that was until a few months later when I got stopped for speeding. This was Chicago for fucks sake, I guess that was why it shocked me to see a fuckin Canadian Mountie get out of the car and walk towards me. Then I was even more shocked by the man that accompanied him, as it appeared that Alex was right and my double really did live here and was a cop.

Straight away I realized that this must be Ray Kowalski, the man that made Alex realize just how much he missed me and wanted me. Then I heard the tapping on my window and was brought back to the present, so I wound it down and cooperated like the good law abiding citizen that I am.

“Good day officer, how may I help you?”

“Jeez Alex wasn’t joking, was he?”

“Yeah, I gather you must be Ray Kowalski, Alex told me all about the time he spent with you.”

“Look we both did bad things, you gotta remember a lotta shit went down too.”

“Hey I’m not accusing you of anything, actually I want to thank you for making Alex want me back enough to come looking for me. I was falling apart and would have died on the streets without him.”

“Yeah likewise, he saved me from that fate too. So, I take it that the two of ya are together now?”

“Yeah, we live here in Chicago, hey how about you two come over for dinner later this week?”

“Shit I dunno if that’s a good idea…”

“Hey, I can be grown up about this if you can?”

“Fine, we’ll come then.”

“Give me your number then and I’ll give you a call.”

Ray handed me a piece of paper with his phone number on, he’d also made a note of his work schedule for the next few days. For some reason having him and Fraser as friends seemed really appealing to me right now, maybe I could talk Alex into having a foursome one day just as friends.

“Are ya okay as yer miles away?”

“Yeah, I’ve never felt better.”

“Catch ya later then and no more speeding okay, next time it might not be me that stops ya.”

“Yeah, I hear you Officer Kowalski, well take care and I’ll see you both soon.”

I felt good and realized this was what I deserved after everything I’d suffered lately, also things seemed to be looking up with each day that passed.

The End

Reckless Paradise

By CarolelaineD