Calum: Welcome to our group chats, Larry!!!
Louis: Harry, I love you to death, but you're way too perky for this.
Luke: Hello to you too, Harry!!!
Michael: You people are disgustingly too happy for my liking.
Calum: Chin up, buttercup.
Ashton: LUKEY BABY
Michael: Awe, Calum!!! How's Joy?
Calum: She's alright. Still going on about me getting a proper job.
Luke: Does she still hate you, Michael?
Calum: She totally still hates Michael.
Harry: I feel you, man.
Louis: Harry, shut up. My mum loves you more than she loves her own children.
Michael: So she's seen a few things she shouldn't have seen. Oh well. It's been years ago. Move on, lady.
Ashton: You fucked her son right in front of her, of course she'll hate you.
Calum: It's her fault for not knocking.
Michael: She caught is at the worst possible time, too...
Louis: Which one of you was cumming.
Luke: OMG DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST ASK THAT?!?!
Michael: It was Calum.
Calum: We were in a weird position, too... but can you blame us? No one should have to have vanilla sex.
Harry: I agree, Calum. You should text me a description of that position later. Louis and I could use a few new ideas.
Louis: Don't even worry about it. Sex with you will never be boring, Hazza.
Michael: You know Calum has seen Luke and Ashton in a pretty compromising position?
Calum: It's true! I have!
Ashton: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Luke: Nope. Not a clue.
Harry: You remember! It was that time Calum bumped into the crash cymbals of your drum kit!
Louis: And your shutter sound was still on when you snapped the picture!
Luke: Rings a bell. Maybe.
Michael: Oh come on! How many times has Calum taken a picture of your little blindfolding kink?!
Luke: Don't tease us, Calum's the one that likes taking pictures of other people having sex!
Calum: That was one time! And for payback!!! You and Ashton did it first!!!
Louis: Psht. Little voyeurs.
Harry: I know right. They're almost as bad as Zayn and Liam.
Ashton: Says the two who fucked on my sofa right in front of me!!!
Louis: Look, I never claimed to be perfect.
Harry: Awe, but you are, baby.
Louis: Harry Styles, this is why I love you so.
Michael: This is why you people make me sick.
Calum: Awe, buttercup. I wish mum liked you so we could be cute together!!!
Michael: We're cute together anyway.
Ashton: You will never be as cute as me and my Lukey.
Louis: Bitch, we have a whole fandom dedicated to us!
Harry: There are blogs dedicated to your bum, my love.
Louis: There are also blogs dedicated to your dick size, darling.
Harry: But they'll never be as awesome as the blogs that have nothing but us-smut.
Michael: I've read some of them and I gotta say, these teenage girls know a lot about sex.
Ashton: Gay sex, no less.
Calum: You read Larry smut?
Luke: Uh oh. Ashton, grab the popcorn.
Michael: I came across it and I was bored. You know, that's how I discovered my Dom kink.
Harry: See, Louis? Our horny fans are helpful.
Louis: We have made such an impact on other people's lives. I feel so good now.
Harry: Not as good as when I'm inside you.
Louis: Harry you can't just say that when I'm with Eleabeard!!!
Calum: Like she doesn't know what you two get up to.
Harry: She gets annoyed by having to coax Louis back to reality.
Ashton: She probably doesn't want to see Louis' boner either. Isn't she a lesbian?
Louis: Bro, yes. She totally is.
Harry: She loves the v almost as much as I love Louis' d.
Calum: I think she loves the v as much as we ALL love the d.
Michael: Awe, Calum, you have such a way with words!
Luke: Yes. What a little Shakespeare.
Ashton: Lukey, Daddy's bored. You wanna have sex?
Luke: Bye bye, everyone!
Calum: Not a bad plan, actually. Michael?
Michael: Come to me, Princess. Sorry, Larry. Malum is out. Peace.
Harry: Thanks a lot, lads. I'll remember this.
Louis: Well then.
Harry: Please hurry up with your date, love. I need you.
Louis: Oh... Really? Now? God damn it, Haz, El is literally reading over my shoulder. Please don't send pictures. You remember what happened last time.
Harry: I have no reason to be ashamed, Lou!!!