If the sun refused to shine,
I would still be loving you.
It’s getting harder now, but I’m amazed I made it this far. The tests, so many tests. This last one has proven to be too much, I think even they sense that now, as they’ve stopped their tests and their cold observations. I’ve been here before; not here, but here: on the cusp of death. This time though, this time is different. In the beginning I though otherwise, but I understand now that there will be no savior or miracle to save me.
Savior. Save me. But I’m too far gone for any of that, not that I really would believe in that sort of thing. Maybe believe isn’t the right word //you say you want to believe, but in what?// No, no I do believe in many things. I believe in hope and resilience, in determination, and in love. I didn’t always believe in these things, but you showed me //you were my friend and you showed me the truth.//
I can feel the pools of regret drowning my eyes, blurring my vision, not that it will last, none of this will But still, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to believe in these things again, but more importantly believe in you. My faith is in you, I suppose that’s why I’m doing this: praying, to you, for you. Anything for you, because I wasn’t able to before.
Regret. I have so much. I should’ve memorized every curve, every line, everything, but it’s hard, it’s so damn hard to remember these things now. It’s hard to breath and even harder to focus. Is this what it feels like to die? I’ve been here before- no wait, you already know that. God, I’m scared.
//God is a spectator-//
Ah, right, I remember. Is He watching, are You watching, is anyone watching? //He just reads the box scores.// Baseball, I loved- no love, baseball; I’m not dead yet.
But I can’t remember and it hurts. I can’t remember what your voice sounds like, it hurts so much. I can’t remember what anything sounds like. All I can hear, is pounding in my head. Loud and slow, once methodical but now erratic.
What will happen to me after this?
I want to believe that, that… I can’t remember…
//Maybe they are souls-// I remember now //traveling through time as starlight, looking for homes.//
I know you thought I was crazy then, but really as a scientist, I’d think this would be one idea you would believe too. Well, at least the principle. We as humans, made from the stars, and once dead return to them, return home. It…sounds nice.
I wonder where you are right now? I wonder if you wonder where I am. I wonder…wonder…won…
I can’t remember what I was thinking. I’m terrible at this, but I know you’ll understand, you always did. Even when I couldn’t. You always put me above you. But why? Am I worth such mercy? And what now? All those times, all those sacrifices, for me a dead man.
I think my prayer is working, the pain isn’t bothering me as much. What initially felt like suffocation now feels like slumber. But I can’t sleep, not yet- I’ll be a good boy and finish my prayers mommy.
Nope she’s gone. Daddy too. Little sis…she left along time ago. Now it’s just me, all alone.
I don’t feel cold anymore, but not warm either.
I hope you know…how much I loved you then, how much I love you now. It was so brief, our time together now we’re apart. Now I’m alone. I think it would be nice to not be alone. Are you alone? It would be nice, to be with you. If I had something I could give I’d be with you, but I don’t have anything left to give.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you’re alone. I’m sorry I never told you, told you…I can’t remember, I can’t think. I can’t, I can’t I cant cantcantcant
im sorry…i love you…
my mind…my world…is fading…into darkness
But if I think of you, then you’re here. If I speak to you then I’m not alone.
Mountains crumble to the sea,
There would still be you and me.