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Hold My Breath As I Wish For Death

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When Peter Parker was five, just when Skip started doing things he didn't understand, he thought he could fly. He would jump off his bed, flap his arms and imagine he was high in the sky with the birds. He'd soar far away from his life, and he'd feel a sort of freedom he only ever wished for in his dreams.

His time with his babysitter would be long forgotten.

The boy would do that for hours, alone in his room while his Uncle Ben was at work.

One day, he landed wrong, and fractured his ankle. He cried and cried, but only Aunt May was home and she was passed out on the couch, so she didn’t hear him.

An hour later, his Uncle Ben came home. He immediately scooped the young boy up, soothing him. That night, Peter went to the hospital. After all the nurses and doctors, he went home with a bright blue cast and ice cream that they stopped for at the store.

Later, when they thought he was asleep, his Aunt and Uncle fought for hours. Peter silently cried in bed, as he blamed himself for their quarrel. After all, the two rarely had arguments.

After all this time, Peter still wondered how his Aunt May didn't wake up to his wailing. But maybe she did, and just didn't come to help. After recent years, the idea didn't surprise Peter.

That's one of the few memories Peter has of his Uncle Ben, other than the night he died, but that memory is tucked away, only ever unlocked in his nightmares.

Things really went to shit when is uncle was gone. Yes, Skip was fucking horrible, but nothing could prepare for him Jim. A year after that horrible night (screaming and blood covering his hands and nononono-) , his aunt brought home a boyfriend. He was taller than her by a few inches with a big belly, and piercing green eyes.

Honestly, Peter thought she could do much better. May was beautiful and strong, she didn't need him in her life. But May loved him. And in turn, money became less of a problem, and she was given unconditional love.

At first, Jim was super nice. He would take Peter out to dinner, let him talk all he wanted about his science projects, and would sneak him little treats behind May's back.

It was nice, but Peter was only eight and, even after Skip, couldn't understand the weird looks Jim would give him. He just knew he felt uncomfortable, but he brushed it off and basked in the feeling of having a family again.

Of course, he knew nobody could replace Ben, but it was nice having another man to relate to in the house again.

When Peter turned nine, a few months after Jim moved in, things started feeling really weird.

Peter doesn't remember exactly how it started. He only had fuzzy memories. He remembers uncomfortable touches at odd times that lingered just a little too long, reminding him of no, Skip, please, I don't want to play this game. It turned into grinding his clothed penis against the young boy from behind while he attempted to do dishes (so the apartment would be nice when May got home.) He knew he should've told someone then, but May looked so happy. 

But then, it turned from forceful handjobs to forceful blowjobs. He didn't even know what it was called at the time, he just felt disgusting.

Next thing he knew, he was being shoved face first into his Han Solo pillow, his backside on fire. At that point, he knew he was completely, utterly fucked. There was no way out.

The first time Jim raped him, the man sat and let out ugly, snotty sobs by his bed, spitting out apologies that sounded so sincere and so true that even to this day, Peter is confused about whether he meant it or not. 

For the following few months, Jim would always apologize when he did it. During those times, Jim would be so fucking nice that Peter would almost see a normal, loving family. He'd buy special deserts, and toys he caught the boy eyeing in public, but not saying a word about them because money was so goddamned tight. He'd be the picture-perfect step-uncle. But then it'd happen again and again and again, until the lies were no longer believable. It was a cruel game.

Eventually the apologies became less and less frequent, until there were none at all. 

As Jim got worse, ultimately so did May. The more time that went by with Jim, May started becoming more and more distant with Peter. She started becoming so infatuated with Jim that eventually hugs and kisses on the forehead were rare occurrences.

She did the exact same thing with Ben. When May was with someone, Peter became nothing. Attention was a rare thing with his Aunt.

Ned called it neglect. Peter shrugged him off.

Peter would never tell Ned more than the fact that May didn't show love anymore, or that, sometimes, she "forgot" to feed him. He would never tell him about the nights he's spent under a grown mans body. Or the hours he spent tied in a closet because he tried to fight back. But eventually, he caught on anyway.

He remembers the day a social worker showed up and asked him a million questions, after telling Jim and May to leave the room. Peter didn't tell the truth, of course. He lied through his teeth, and said everything was perfectly fine.

That turned out to be one of the worst nights of his life. He’ll never forget the feeling of cool metal from a belt buckle hitting and scraping along his back.

It was the only time Jim had used the buckle. He thought he had to go to the hospital when he woke up, having passed out on the floor. Somehow though, he survived that horrible night.

After a short investigation, the social worker walked out of their lives forever.

When he found out it was Ned who called, they didn't talk for a month. Ned never called again.

The farther Peter fell down the hole of abuse, not getting help, and not letting people help, the more he realized his chances of getting out were slim to none.

When Peter was eleven, May and Jim got married, and in that moment, Peter knew his fate had been sealed.