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Love, Sex, and Paperwork

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[A handsome blonde man leads the way through the small town of America, Illinois’ government offices.  He is Steve Rogers, Director of Parks and Recreation.]

Steve Rogers: And here is where it all happens!  [gestures broadly to the beige painted walls]  It…doesn’t look like much, yet.  But this department is the true spirit of the American people.  [grins]…You see what I did there?...Okay.  Let me introduce you to the guys.


Sam Wilson: Yes, the actual name of this town is “America”.  No, Steve never gets tired of making puns about it. I mean, the man was born on the fourth of July.  


[Director Rogers continues into the large open office.  His staff greets him with moderate enthusiasm.]

Steve: Great, everybody’s here! Let’s see, you guys already met Sam Wilson, to get this whole shindig set up [Sam salutes from the doorway to an inner office] 


Sam: Steve really loves his job.  Like really loves it.  This whole documentary thing?  His idea.  He wants to “show the people the lifeblood of American government.”


Steve: This is Tony Stark, our tech guru [Tony kisses the interviewers hand] and Bruce Banner, he’s a magician in the conference room [Bruce mumbles something about flattery]


Sam: [laughs] In the staff room, we call him “Captain America”.  I mean…they.  Not me.  I would never.

Interviewer: And what do you do in the department?

Sam:  I’m the Director of Public Relations, and I moonlight on the committee for Veteran’s affairs.  They call me “the Falcon” ‘cause I always “swoop in” and save the day.

 [Through the window, Bruce shakes his head.]


Steve: And finally, we have the glue that holds the whole operation together, Bucky Barnes.

[At a desk in the corner a man with a metal prosthetic arm is flicking paper footballs at a garbage can.  He grins rakishly, winking at the camera.  Director Rogers stares with a fond grin on his face.  Tony throws a pen at him and he jumps.]

Steve: Right, that’s everybody.  Why don’t we check out my office, and I can show you some of our current projects.     


Bucky: James Buchanan Barnes, executive assistant to Director of Parks and Recreation Steve Rogers, and former Army Ranger sniper.  …so watch out. [looks into camera]


Steve: [at his desk] Former Sergeant Barnes and I have been friends pretty much our whole lives.  When I found out he was injured in action?  I knew America would be the perfect place for him to get back on his feet.  He’s really proven himself…invaluable, to our work here in the department. [smiles]


Bucky: [indicates his prosthetic arm] Yeah, I got blasted off a bridge in Chechnya, lost my arm, got myself a medical discharge and when I got back in touch with Steve he invited me here to work for him while I decide what to do with my GI Bill.  That was…three years ago. 

Interviewer: It looks like you’ve adjusted well to your disability.  Can you tell us at all about what you experienced?

Bucky: …No.    


Bucky: [frowns] Let’s go back to talking about Steve.


Tony: I’m Tony Stark, Director of Technology and Equipment Maintenance.

Bruce: And I’m Bruce, I head up the Committee for Park Programs and Activities-

Tony:[interrupts] Even though he only picks boring activities-

Bruce: “Yoga in the Park” is an excellent source of exercise for the mind and body-

Interviewer: so...what can you tell me about recent events in this department?

Tony: I’m glad you asked, because we want to be perfectly honest with you.  It’s true. Our humble office has recently become a den of scandal-

Interviewer: What-

Bruce: Don’t be so overdramatic Tony-

Tony: And gossip.  Our reputation tarnished, beyond repair-

Bruce: He’s talking about our boss, Steve-

Tony:-Rogers, who is banging his assistant.


Tony: Oh.  You weren’t actually asking about that.  …Because you didn’t know.

Bruce: [sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose]


Steve: [stammering] No!  Definitely not.  F-former Sergeant Barnes and I are not-I mean really-That would be totally unprofessional-


Bucky: Mm…Steve…[bites bottom lip and nods]


Sam: Well considering that it’s against department policy for coworkers to date and it’s literally my job to keep any unprofessional conduct within our department out of the media, I have no comment.  However, if Steve and Bucky were together and I did have a comment, it would be that I think it’s adorable.  Also…slightly disgusting. [steeples fingers]…We shouldn’t be talking about this.  Who told you?  Was it Tony?  Of course it was Tony.  Why am I even asking.


Interviewer: Why don’t you talk about the first time it happened?

Steve: The first time what happened?

Interviewer: …The first time you two slept together?

Steve:[blushing] We never-I mean…I don’t think that’s really…important. 


Bucky: [looks into camera] I was the catcher.  It was the best lay of my entire life.  No exceptions.


Tony: I heard they didn’t even make it out of the parking lot.

Bruce: [muttering] Jesus, Tony…


Bucky: Is it difficult to fit two grown men against the seat cushions of a midsize car?  Yes.  Was it worth it? Absolutely.  ‘Cause I love Steve.  I love his heart, his smile, his innate instincts for fiscal responsibility, his incredible pectorals-


Interviewer: Did you hear about that as well?

Sam: Again, I will neither confirm nor deny.  All I can say is, I will not be riding in the back of Barnes’ Subaru anytime soon, you feel me?


Barnes: - and I love how he’s not afraid to be a little rough when I ask him for it-


Steve: What?  No!  No- Buck- that is, former Sergeant Barnes and I have not had sex on government property. 


Bucky: -so there’s just a little burn when he really starts pounding-


Steve: [flustered] no, really [laughing nervously] I thought we were here to talk about park projects?


Bucky:[pretend explosion noises]





Interviewer: So we got some interesting footage on the sound recorder we left here last night.  Care to discuss that?

Bucky:[shrugs] What can I say? Steve’s a talker.


Sam: [liberally spraying air freshener] On his desk!  We share an office!


Steve: [sanitizing his knick knacks] …No comment.


Bucky: I topped this time.  The results?  Equally satisfying.


Bruce: We’re mostly pretending it’s business as usual.

Tony: Parks don’t stop running just because your boss is nailing his assistant/long time object of manly pining.

Bruce: There has been a lot of pining.

Tony: For example, this morning the security system for the entire Pierce Memorial Arts Center died.  All that horrible art, vulnerable.  And who fixed that?  [elbows Bruce]

Bruce: Ow!  You did!

Tony: [looks at camera] That’s right.  I did.  And what was Director Steven “Captain America” Rogers doing while I was rewiring an 18th century building? [elbows Bruce again]

Bruce: [winces then sighs, rubbing his side] he was screwing Bucky against the copy machi-

Tony: Against the copy machine in the break room!  The break room!


Interviewer:  You seem a little distracted.  Anything on your mind?  Former Sergeant Barnes?

Steve: Are we even going to pretend that you believe me when I say former Sergeant Barnes and I aren’t in a physical relationship?

Interviewer: No.

Steve:[taps pen on his desk] [sighs] …It may seem surprising, but I’m actually pretty vanilla when it comes to sex.




Steve: So when I’m…with…former Sergeant Barnes, and he asks me to  shove a [beep] in his [beep] so that later he can still feel my [beep] inside him and remember the exact shape of my [beep]? 


Bucky: [hysterical laughing]


Steve:…it’s a little much sometimes.


Bucky:[falls out of his chair laughing]



Steve: What?

Interviewer: Have you seen the actual recording yet?

Steve: No, why?


Bucky:[panting and wiping tears from his eyes as he shakes his head] No, no, no you can’t tell him.  It’ll ruin his innocence. 

[Video playback.  Down a hall former Sergeant Barnes’ head and torso are just visible where he is bent over a copy machine.  The machine is lurching forward and back along with former Sergeant Barnes as he is presumably taken from behind by Director Rogers. 

Bucky: [from a distance][moans]

Steve:[equally distant] Oh god, yeah, take it you dirty [beep].  I’m gonna [beep] your [beep] until you [beep][beep] in your [beep].

Bucky: [moans louder]

End playback]

Bucky: [sighs, still chuckling] That’s my Steve.  The filthiest mother[beep] around.  [whispers] and he has no idea.


Steve: It’s fine, I really don’t need to see the video.  Why don’t we talk about something else?


Bucky: Hell yes, I want to see the video!  Hang on, let me get some lotion.  Bruce!  Are we still out of Kleenex?

Bruce:[from the other room][muttering] I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know…




Interviewer: So what would happen if Director Rogers and former Sergeant Barnes were caught?

Tony: It would be bad.

Bruce: It definitely wouldn’t be good.


[Midmorning.  An office door slams somewhere down the hall.  Tony drops his coffee mug.  Bucky pulls a knife from an unseen location.  Bruce is hidden, but the soft sound of chanting is audible.  Sam is seen frantically closing the blinds in his office windows.  There is the clicking of a woman’s high heeled shoes then…silence.]

[City Manager Natasha Romanov appears without warning in the doorway.  Director Rogers jumps and screams.]

Natasha: Barnes!  Rogers!  My office.  [glares] …now.


Steve: Natasha?  Scary?  No.  Noooooo.  Definitely not.  Impossible.  I am not…scared…of Natasha, and I was not at all apprehensive in regards to telling her about my [deep breath] …relationship with former Sergeant Barnes.   [tugs on collar] …is it hot in here? [nervous laughter]


Tony:  Natasha is the best boss I have ever worked for.  She is efficient, fair, assertive, and the most dangerously beautiful woman I have ever seen.  We both fear and love her.

Bruce:  I agree with Tony.

Tony: Please tell her we said that.  …Exactly in those words.

Bruce:[hides behind file folder]


Sam: Natasha?  She’s good at her job, don’t get me wrong.  But her driver’s license says she was born in nineteen-eighty four, and I have actual photographic evidence-

[groans, Sam lifts up a large framed group photograph]

Sam:-placing her on the America City Council as early as nineteen twenty-one.  See?  [points]  There she is.

[close up on City council photograph featuring Natasha Romanov in the middle of a large group of scared looking men.]

Sam:  An explanation?  I don’t have one.  Frankly, I don’t want one.


Bucky:[twirls knife in his metal fingers]  Am I worried about this meeting?  In the cosmic sense…no.  I made peace with my own mortality years ago.   Besides, me and Natasha go way back.  We met in…Sarajevo?  That sounds right.

Interviewer:  What was a municipal City Manager doing in Bosnia?

Bucky: The fact that I’ve never asked that question is the only reason I’m still alive. [grips knife tightly]


Sam:  Are they gonna get fired?  Unlikely.


Tony: Are they going to die?  It’s a distinct possibility.

[Bruce nods in agreement.]


[Director Rogers and former Sergeant Barnes walk down a long hallway.  Just before they enter the office at the end of the hall, Director Rogers is seen taking hold of Sergeant Barnes’ hand.]



Steve: Fortunately, we managed to find a solution that was amenable to the City Manager, as well as me and former Sergeant Barnes. 


Bucky: [flashing his right ring finger in the camera’s face] Steve and I got hitched!


Sam: Yup.  Steve and Bucky got married in Atlantic City over the weekend.  I was there, and yes, it was adorable.  I’m very happy for them, as long as they [turns and shouts out the door] STOP HAVING SEX IN MY OFFICE!

Bucky: [from a distance]…it was one time!  Maybe three, counting last night!

Sam:[groaning, head in his hands]


Steve:  Bucky and I obviously didn’t want to end our relationship, but City Hall has firm rules about dating co-workers for a reason.  I was ready to resign, when thankfully Natasha pointed out a loophole in the fraternization by-laws.  Turns out, there is no rule against married couples in the same department.  [smiling]


Natasha: [files her nails with a Bowie knife] There’s no actual rule against dating within the department either.  I made it up.  I’ve been trying to get Barnes and Rogers to tie the knot for years.  Throwing in a little reverse psychology to amp up the tension?  Child’s play.


Steve: Yes, some might say it was sudden, and they’d be right.  But Bucky and I, well, we’ve known each other a long time.  So I think of this less as a beginning, and more like a…culmination.  I’ve known for years, but I do work in the government, so it’s nice to have it on paper: I love James Buchanan Barnes.

Interviewer: So can you tell us about what happened after the ceremony?  It was a three day weekend…

Steve: [blushing] What, the honeymoon?  That’s um, I’d have to say that’s between me and former Sergeant Barnes. 


Bucky: It was amazing.  We took turns, if you know what I mean. [looks into camera] I am thoroughly chafed.


Tony: [spinning in chair] So…fun couple of days.  I guess we didn’t really get much parks stuff done...

[Bruce shrugs and tosses a paper airplane]

Tony: Maybe come back next week?  Hopefully the lovebirds will have settled down, and you can film us filling out paperwork and sleeping through meetings. 

[A sudden commotion starts up in Director Rogers’ and Sam’s shared office.  There is the sound of a rolling chair hitting the wall, muffled curses, and faint electrical buzzing.  The door slams open and Sam emerges with his laptop and various file folders clutched to his chest.]

Sam: Hell no!  Not again!

[The curses turn to moans and Director Rogers’ shoe is visible as he kicks the office door shut.  A few moments of sex noises pass, then there is a loud thump and everyone in the room jumps as the silhouette of former Sergeant Barnes becomes starkly visible where he has been pressed up against the office’s closed blinds, presumably by Director Rogers, in an act of passion.]

Tony:[spins back] So how’s Tuesday work for you guys?