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Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Apocalypse

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I went to sleep with a virus in the air and now my brother's a zombie and when I got out of bed this morning he chased me into the kitchen and tried to eat my brains, and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad apocalypse.

At breakfast Mom said our compound is back on low fuel rations and our radiation indicator buttons turned orange and the letters in my Cheesey Pops cereal spelled out "GLOBAL WARMING".

I think I'll move to Australia.

At school the teacher said I shouldn't talk about my brother eating brains and Joey said I shouldn't worry because I didn't have any brains to eat anyway and we had to wear hazmat suits out to recess. The lunch ladies didn't even bother to heat up the four-year-old canned peas, which were all they had left to feed us, and I spilled my vitamin water and they said I couldn't have more. I said, who cares about vitamin water when we're all gonna die anyway? I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad apocalypse.

That's what it was, because after lunch I tried to tell the principal that my brother would eat her brains if she made him stay for detention and she said I shouldn't discriminate against zombies because they are people, too--or at least they used to be--and they needed food to live like everyone else. I said, maybe brains taste better than cold peas, and she put me in detention too.

I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad apocalypse, I told the zombies in detention. Nobody in Australia has these kinds of problems. No one even answered.

On the way home I stopped at the compound watchtower to talk to my dad about my zombie brother. Dad said to watch out for the radiation samples on his desk and I was as careful as could be, except for my elbow. Dad said please don't visit him at work any more.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad apocalypse.

There was nothing in the kitchen for dinner but moldy cheese and vitamin water. There were radiated zombie reality shows on TV and I hate radiated zombie reality shows. The generator ran out of fuel and I had to wash up in the sink and my zombie brother got soap in my eyes and I had to wear my hazmat suit to bed. Before I went to bed my brother said it's my fault he's a zombie so I should just give him my brains and we got in a fight and Mom put us both on radiation cleanup duty.

It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad apocalypse.

Mom says some apocalypses are like that.

But not in Australia.

Because it doesn't exist anymore.