Chapter 1: Before the Beginning:a brief explanation
Bilbo Baggins barely spoke. He would always clutch onto Gandalf as if he was a light in the darkest pit of Mordor. His parents dead. His relatives giving false comfort when all they wanted was everything that Bilbo had and they didn't. Bilbo was a peculiar fauntling. Both in appearance and mind set compared to the other hobbit children. Curls the color of dirty wheat and each eye, oddly cat like, with their slitted pupils. One the color of the Shires beloved hills. The other the color of the warmth giving sun.
The Hobbits of the shire did not like this young traumatized hobbit lad. If not for his appearance then for his personality. He use to play with the fauntlings inside the shire. However, he wouldn't play with them any longer, instead venturing out of the shire and into the woods long after dark. By himself with no frightened air about him.
But even more strange was the out-right insult Belladonna made in her will to Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. That she could, and I quote, "Drown in a lake before I hand over my land and my son to your greedy clumsy fingers!" and then having the Gal to make Gandalf, an Istari, a Wizard of all things, be the boy's guardian! the gossip going through the Shire was notorious. If hobbits liked food, then they liked gossip even more.
But many did support Gandalf in raising the strange hobbit child. Because when the hobbits found Belladonna and Bungo's smial empty Lobelia stayed behind claiming that she alone would watch the house to see if they returned while everyone else was to search. When they did find the boy, they wept at the sight. Bilbo was on his knees, hands holding his parents hands; Eyes frightened and glazed. Belladonna's body to his immediate right, Bungo's to his left. Their faces up and distorted in a scream. Blood every where... there were bodies of several hobbits. But there were even more bodies of orcs and wargs. Blood seeping out of their mouths, nose, eyes, and ears. Their bodies steaming unnaturally when the lake is frozen over. Stranger still the child forgot everything about his parents. He just looked at everything with horror. Nightmares will plague the boy for the rest of his life. But when the boy was finally made to stand and hushed back to the warmth the shire could provide, Bilbo screamed. For Lobelia Sack-villebaggins was waltzing out of the house with everything she could carry. Many other hobbits stopped her, but they never did find the silver-ware. Bilbo claims it was in her pockets. Thankfully Gandalf arrived after this affair and ushered the poor Baggins heir inside. No one really knows what went on in the smial. But Bilbo was bright and cheery the next day. Gandalfs handprints were all over this.
Chapter 2: In which a wizard was supposed to raise a hobbit but didn't: Or where Gandalf gets his Just Desserts at tea-time... with a rolling-pin
Bilbo says farewell to Gandalf. And he is surprised to see him 60 years later after the old geezer promised to be back in 20 months! Ha! Bilbo has quite a few words to say to his irresponsible guardian. A few will be said with a rolling pin, and just in time for a cup of tea!
Sorry the first chapter i didn't mean to post yet but here you go anyway! Flaming and hating will go to the bon-fire to make s'mores. And comments are always welcome, in fact they encourage me to type faster, so long as you are civil with them and do not call me childish*that means you anons*! Anyway! Enjoy! *whistles away*
"Gandalf!" Bilbo grabbed for Gandalf's bag.
"Bilbo! Stop that!" Gandalf swats at the teen's offending hand, one foot out of the door one foot in the hobbit-hole. "None of that now! I MUST go Bilbo! I have to attend the meeting!"
"Promise Gandalf! Promise you'll not leave me here!"
"Bilbo I must go! I will be back in 20 months! You will never know I was gone!"
"Promise! Promise your word as a wizard! As an Istari!"
"Promise! Or so help me I'll never cook honey tarts or lemon cakes again. And you can forget ALL about my blackberry earl grey tea too!" Bilbo said quietly, an edge to his otherwise gentle voice.
"Not the TEA!" Gandalf pouts, for Gandalf is very similar to a cat, in Bilbo's opinion, and will not lower himself to begging or crying.
"Oh yes... the tea. And I shall never again wash that raggedy, stinky, ANCIENT, pointy thing you call a hat! That 'HAT' should have been 'retired' YEARS ago. In fact, YOU should be retired too you old coot!" Bilbo says, growing louder with every word.
"My HAT has NOTHING to do with this conversation! Now I must leave or I will have to stay longer!"
"Fine... leave but return quickly! I don't want Lobelia to be snooping about... you know how she gets." Bilbo mumbled, past memories of the terrible hobbit-women coming to mind. "She still has those spoons... and she took some of Bella- mother's flowers too. Still trys to get her grubby hands on my tomato plants... almost cut off one of those disgusting fingers last week with the bush scissors."
Gandalf sighed, his age truly showing in that one long exhale of breath."Bilbo... I know that you want to go with mebut you are far too young and you must spend some time with your own kind! Please, for my sake, try to become a proper hobbit. You don't need to travel with me into the world. You have family her-"
"But you're all the family I need Gandalf! Everyone wants something from Bagg-End! Everyone! You are not greedy grandfa-Gandalf... not like my blood-relatives." Bilbo mumbles, "I don't want to 'be a proper Hobbit' if it means that I will be like the others. Sure the Gamgee's can be kind, but they gossip behind your back. Brady-bucks care only about food, and the Sack-villebaggins are even more stuck up than my Baggins cousins!"
"You forget Bilbo... there is another branch of your family you've all but forgotten. Your mother was a Took you know."
"Yes, but the Tooks are far too rowdy... and enjoy danger, most Hobbits do not consider them hobbits at all!" Bilbo exclaims.
"Bilbo, when I say I want you to become a proper Hobbit I do not mean to become a proper baggins. A proper brady-buck. A proper Took... nor the valar forbid a proper Sackville-baggins. No what I mean is for you to grow-up and into yourself, I want you to grow up to be a hobbit above other hobbits. I want you to grow up to be yourself. Not a clone of some gossipy fat lazy maleficent hobbit. There is good in you Bilbo, but I want you to have freinds and family besides me. I might not always be here for you lad, though I wish I could." Gandalf whispers.
"You will take me on an adventure next time you old bat!" Bilbo yells as Gandalf disappears.
May I note that Gandalf never did promise to return... but he does ...60 years later.
~60 years later~
Bilbo is now a young adult Hobbit now, he still has his strange appearance but doesn't get teased for it as often. He is now known as the most respectable and normal Hobbit, throwing marvelous pantry parties and gossips more than his Gamgee neighbor. He is always civil and likes nothing more than a cup of tea, a puff of his pipe, and a nice warm evening by the fire place; eating dinner and reading a book. He has become fairly more attached to his parents belongings than he did as a fauntling but thats besides the point, Bilbo is the most normal Hobbit in the Shire and to put it frankly... is the most bored with his life.
Bilbo Baggins had a uneventful daily schedule. He would get up in the morning, put on his robe and water his garden. He would then greet his Gamgee neighbors. He proceeds to cook and consume 1st breakfast. Then get dressed and make his bed. Continuing on to try to tame his curly golden locks, and brushing his pearly whites. Then writing down books that the gamgees considered note-worthy to his "read" list that they had discussed just that morning. Next he would devour 2nd breakfast. Continuing he would be tending to his garden, specifically his tomato plants. Then he would eat his breaklunch. He would then be visited by his 2nd nephew Frodo Baggins. Once that rather vexing but enjoyable guest went home Bilbo would take tea outside with his pipe and be content to create perfect smoke circles, leisurely waiting for his mail if there was any that day, a rolling-pin under his bench. However, Bilbo's day became strange at this very moment this day. For Bilbo had an unexpected visitor, though he had been expecting him for a very long time. But never did he guess his guest had the gal to show up in the first place.
A shadow falls above Bilbo as he blows out a smoke ring. Perfectly content under his closed eyes. The guest turns Bilbo's particularly peaceful smoke ring into a smoke butterfly that flutters right up Bilbo's pipe and into his mouth; startling Bilbo terribly and causing him to cough for several seconds. His eyes open and he catches sight of his unexpected and welcomed guest.
"Good-morning..." Bilbo says quietly, malice dripping from those three syllables.
"What do you mean?" He said. "Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?" The hatted guest quickly scoops up Bilbo's pipe and takes a puff without even asking if he can.
"All of them at once," said Bilbo with a 'I-hate-your-guts' grin. "And a very fine morning for a pipe of tobacco out of doors, into the bargain." His smile widens with every word, making him look phychaotic. "Have a fill of my pipe thats been handed down for over 300 years! I know you have your own but it doesn't matter! Sit down, there's no hurry we have all day before us!"
The old guest puffs out a perfect smoke ring that goes in 3 rotations, then divides into many smaller rings until they are too thin to see. "Very pretty, but I have no time to blow smoke-rings this morning. I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it's very difficult to find someone." Another puff from the hypocritical guest.
"Oh the roads of the Shire are very easy to follow. They have a lot of signs pointing where one should go. Perhaps the person you are looking for is underneath the lake? I will help you look for them! In fact! I will row you out myself! Then I will tie my 200 pound wheel-barrow to you and drop you in the lake!" Bilbo says kindly, so kindly that this threat would not sound like a threat to anyone who passed by and heard bits of the conversation. No this wasn't a threat... hobbits never make threats, only promises.
Bilbo grabbed his rolling-pin and continually hit his guest whenever he could.
"I see you have still been practicing! I never would have guessed at the state of your lazy figure!" The guest harrumphed, using his walking staff as a shield.
"Oh imagining your head on a pike does wonders for motivation! I see you have gotten far leaner than last I saw you! Begging for scraps on the road have you? Don't worry! You can have dinner with the fish!" Bilbo lunged forward. The traveler dodged, retreating a step.
"Ha! My dear Bilbo! I haven't eaten since I left! I have a delicate palate and all my stomach desires is your tea and honeytarts!" The hatted traveler goes to the offense, both now evenly grounded.
"I'm sorry but I promised that I would never cook you honey tarts OR lemon cakes again! Not to mention my blackberry earl grey!" Bilbo whacks the paper-thin worn hat off of the old man's head.
"I distinctly remember saying that this was to be retired as you should be you old coot!" Bilbo picks up the pointy hat and picks up his discarded pipe. "I wonder how quickly this little scrap of fabric can catch fire hmm?"
Bilbo sets fire to the hat.
"I just did." Bilbo waltzes over to the wizard, "Now its your turn Gandalf. An apology is in order from you for being so irresponsible as to leave a teenage hobbit on his own for 60 years, without even a letter telling the god-child that you're ALIVE!"
Gandalf blinks once, twice. Then begins to laugh so loudly that the Thain say to quit the racket. And all the while Bilbo's expressions change from angry to frustrated to angry again. After 5 long and noisy minutes Gandalf weezes and stops.
"It is official, this will be very good for you and most amusing for me." Gandalf turns his back on Bilbo and walks down the same path he left 60 years ago.
The wizard always returns, though how long he takes to return this time is far shorter than his 60 year venture that he just arrived from.
Chapter 3: Invasion of the Pantry Raiders: A Hobbits worst nightmare
Bilbo has 4 dwarves raiding his pantry... Bilbo is about to kill one said dwarf with his rolling-pin becasue that dwarf thinks that his mothers glory box is a door rug! For the sake of that dwarf Gandalf better be coming, by himself, or by the valar Bilbo will have a massacre on his hands!
You guys COMMENTED! *squee* *flies in circles around ceiling fan* Thank you Lovelies! I have another chapter for you!
Oh...p.s. This is the only note I'm going to put disclaimer on because I'm lazy. But the hobbit and its characters do not belong to me. But the twists in this story do! Enjoy! Chapter 3!
~later that Day~
Bilbo sat down in his seat. His dinner, a fried fish, was staring at Bilbo with its dead eyes.
"Why is Gandalf here now? Why didn't he show up before now? Why is he here at all?" A never ending river of these thoughts circled in his head.
Bilbo shook his head and repeated his heart charm, "Eikin Abad Kilmin" It calmed him instantly. The fish still stared at him, in the most unnerving way.
Bilbo had cooled his head about the "Gandalf Returns" matter. He is completely civil, though his rolling-pin is still under his chair: his hand still touching a handle.
And to show that Gandalf's reappearance did not bother him in the slightest, no matter how much the cowardly wizard deserved to drown in his own filth in Mordor, he took a bite out of the fish.
Bilbo only got to chew twice before his doorbell rang.
Bilbo immediatly sprang up from his chair, choking on the under-chewed hunk of fish from surprise.
Once he had washed the cursed fish down he ran to the door, rolling-pin in his right hand at the ready.
Opening the door wide swinging his rolling-pin at the unsuspecting visitor at the door.
The rolling-pin hit home, but it's vibration from hitting a particularly hard skull made his arm ache.
Instead of finding a cowardly wizard, that deserved to drown in his own filth in Mordor, he was greeted with the sight of a very tall, gruff, and intimidatingly bulky with muscle dwarf that was cleanly shaven with multiple tattoos on the top of his head... the very said dwarf Bilbo hit with his weapon of choice.
Dwalin, as the dwarf snarled his introduction of "at your service", walked right into poor Bilbo's smial as if he owned it.
"Well show me the way lad!"
Bilbo was startled for the 4th time that day, as he was watching Dwalin with a morbid type of curiosity. The type of curiosity that analyzed a situation and knew it was going to turn out badly no matter what you did. Merely waiting for the worst to happen and get it over with. "T-to-wha-?"
"Food! He said there would be lots of it!"
"H-he...HE SAID!"Bilbo screeched, "Forget DROWNING HIM! I'm going to castrate that piece of Orc shit and feed him his own staff til he chokes on it!" Bilbo, begrudgingly, showed Dwalin to his dinner.
Dwalin vacuumed up his food with no-table ettiquete to speak of.
"Good this," Dwalin said with his mouth full of food, whole pieces of fish flying, "Is there anymore?"
Bilbo akwardly hands him a platter of honey tarts, saving 2 before they are all devoured by the menacing dwarf sitting in HIS chair, that survived HIS rolling-pin, and was apparently a guest of Gandalfs in HIS home.
Right as Bilbo was going to throw another fit the doorbell rang.
Bilbo raced to the door, barley acknowledging Dwalin's, "That'll be the door!"
Bilbo had left his rolling-pin, at the door to tend to his uninvited and overly vulgar guest of Gandalf's, he picked it up right where it was and hit the poor fellow behind his door.
Another dwarf with poofy white hair and beard, this one rather elderly... and Bilbo was not the least bit sorry, for this Balin, as he "at your service"-ed.
He walked in with the same air of "I own this place" as Dwalin. Bilbo fumed, then Balin saw Dwalin. They said a few choice words sharing in on a family joke no doubt by their school-girl giggling, and then head-butted each other so hard that poor Bilbo could feel the effects of a head-ache starting.
Then the nightmare truly started. Dwalin and Balin invaded his pantry without asking. This is a deadly insult, no hobbit in the shire would allow this be-smirchment of their honor as hosts. Bilbo stomped into the kitchen, grabbed the biggest kitchen knife he could find and made his way back to his poor defiled pantry.
The worst was yet to come, for the door-bell rang again and off went Bilbo looking a dishevaled sight, one hand fisted, one carrying a butcher knife, hair wild, eyes crazed with hate, and attire in the utmost disorder.
Bilbo made the wise decision of looking through the peep-hole this time and saw two young dwarfs. He opened the door and yelled that they leave immediately because there was no meeting.
"It's been canceled? Nobody told us!" The dark haired one exclaimed.
"No nothings been canceled because there is nothing to can-"Bilbo yelled.
"Well that's a relief." The dark haired one said happily. They then proceeded to hand Bilbo their weapons as if he was a maid of some sort.
"Did you build this place yourself?" The Kili asked, as they had both introduced themselves.
Atleast they had asked a relatively nice question, Bilbo thought. That is until he saw what the thrice-be-damned dwarf was using as a door rug.
Bilbo flew at the dwarf, "That is my deceased mothers glory box! GET OUT GET OUT! ALL OF YOU DWARVES GET OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW!"
"Or so help me I am going to have a massacre on my hands like the shire has never seen. Not a single one of you dwarves knows my culture." Bilbo took four books off of the bookshelf to his right and threw them at a dwarf at random, all startled at the change in the homely hobbit.
"Now either read those books and apologise or I will have to ask you all to leave my home or forfeit your lives!" Bilbo said evenly, voice deadly as Lady Dis's when they misbehaved.
That was the first time in middle-earth history that a dwarf read something by threat of death. And read they did.
The dwarves did not know what they did wrong but they soon found out, and the two dwarflings found ot hilarious.
"Look here brother! To enter a hobbits home without being invited by the owner of the house theirselves is a great be-smirchment of the smials honor." Kili giggled.
"Here's another! To eat a hobbits food made by the hobbit himself is a great honor, because the hobbit not only grows its own food but prepares it and is a child of Yahvanna." Fili laughed.
Bilbo's anger slowly rose again, and all he did was glare at the two dwarflings and they silenced their snickering.
"To invade a Hobbits home without an invitation to enter first will mean to dishonor my entire family, to eat my dinner as if it were yours is a threat against me and my smial, the greatest dishonor you can do to a hobbit is to invade their pantry without even asking is such a highly crime that guests have been murdered in their sleep. I have given you the choice to avoid that seeing as you did not know what lines you were crossing. However... one of your company has done something that no one should ever forgive... the dwarfling known as Kili has defiled the one belonging that is left of a departed loved one. You wiped your filthy boots on the only thing I have left of my mother, other than this smial. Even this however is not normal circumstance either. I had a terrible trauma when I was a fauntling... my parents were slaughtered right in front of my eyes by creatures of mordor. I was so distraught by this that I nearly killed myself. I had nightmares that would not let me sleep. I wouldn't eat any food which is very dangerous for a hobbit, I would go into a rage and try to go into the woods anytime I saw the color red. Gandalf was my guardian, and to try and stop my health from failing all together...
He took the only memories I had of my mother and father." Bilbo said gravely. The hobbit became in a depressed attitude for the rest of the evening. Even when more dwarves knocked down his door and Gandalf showed up.
Chapter 4: The Past comes to Light: or Bilbo releaves his burden and Gandalf tells what exactly he's been doing for the past 60 years
Bilbo and Gandalf have a heart to heart...
I told you I would update! I just didn't have time to do it for the past couple of days! I cried while writing what happened to Bwaby Bilbo! And I'm the author here! Gawd!!!! I have a box of tissues at the ready for those who need them!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The company of rowdy dwarves became more reckless through the night, even going so far as tossing and throwing delicate dinnerware, Bilboonly silently retreated to his parlor and sat in his chair.
Gandalf noticed the hobbits demeanor had changed from its natural fiery and polite attitude, to a rather despairing and altogether empty aura. Bilbo's eyes looked glazed, no longer having that inner light that he was so fond of. And so, it was only within reason to confront his godchild about it.
"Bilbo, you are not yourself. What happened to you my boy? Where did all the fury and vengeance go from earlier this morning? What has happened to my little adventurer? Who is this empty shell that has rudely taken my dear Bilbo?"
Bilbo looked up from his shadow ladden seat in the corner of his parlor, the fire casting shades that warped and contorted Bilbo's features into something frail and phantom-like.
"I have grown up Gandalf. You left a child. A child that needed you, a child that sat on the doorstep every day and night for 3 months after 20 months of faithful waiting." And here he looked his guardian full in the face, "I almost died Gandalf, I ate nothing, I slept less than an hour every night, and when I did, it was on the cold stones of the stairs that you climbed up so agilely today. Primula ended up taking care of me on what could have very well been my death bed.
I feel as if I am the responsible parent and you the unruley child. I-I waited 60 years for your return. Thinking that you would give me a plausible explanation of why you never came back. Why you never sent anything to tell me that you were alive. I worried, I thought you dead, I have blamed myself all these 60 years because I thought that you were dead.
I-I thought if I had just stopped you, that you would still be alive. But here you are, none-the-worst for wear. And here I am, all the fool for worrying over a wizard who believed me nothing but a-a CHARITY CHILD! YOU LEFT! You left, and you have no right... NO RIGHT to be in this smial...
my mothers smial, my mother who trusted you to raise me. My mother who I do not remember because of you, my mother...You not only took yourself out of the equation, but you took my parents too by taking my memories of them. You do not deserve to even walk this earth. And you-you leave me nothing but a farewell, a smial with things I don't remember, things that mean nothing to me. SHE TRUSTED YOU! I TRUSTED YOU!
I thought you cared about me, I thought I was... whatever I thought, I was wrong. You only came back because you have an adventure that requires me for some inconceivable reason. One that I want no knowledge of. Because I do not trust you. I do not respect you. And I definitely, do not forgive you." Bilbo's expression never changed throughout this flood of inner turmoil. And Gandalf truly felt despair and shame; Looking now at Bilbo's unhidden pain. And all he could think was 'I have caused this. I meddled with him, and now I have caused him so much pain...too much pain'.
"I understand Bilbo... I will leave and never return, but I wish to tell you of what kept me so long. I do not want your suffering and inexcusable pain to be invain. I only wish to say these occurrences and you will see hide nor hair of me ever again." Gandalf spoke, voice shaking, eyes on the verge of tears. Seeing Bilbo slump his head rather than giving a nod.
"I went to the meeting of Istari. We had discovered that Sauron... had risen again. We battled him and imprisoned him once more. Destroying the source of his power once and for all. But I was given a vision by the Valar. It showed you, battling a dragon. You, a small hobbit, smallest of the races next to fairies that have become little more than myth. Only you can defeat this dragon Bilbo. And if you do not, everyone on middle-Earth will die." Bilbo began to shake, but if Gandalf was going to give Bilbo information... he was going to give him all of it.
I also discovered something that will surprise you, yet will not either. I found a man-a skinchanger that goes by the name of Beorn. He met your mother, and gave her aid in returning from her adventure. He also gave you aid, for you were already born and a lively 3 months or so old. Bungo Baggins was not your father Bilbo. So let me give you the information and the means to be rid of me, and the transportation to your father.
I know that this will never come close to what I owe you, what pain and suffering I have caused you throughout 60 years." Gandalf proclaimed, resting a wrinkled and aged hand on a sharp shoulder bone of the pale hobbit, who had yet to stop shaking.
Gandalf was about to try and comfort his charge, but was interrupted by a hard knock on the fallen front door.
"And that will be the leader of this company of 13." Gandalf bowed to Bilbo, and softly stepped out of the parlor.
Bilbo stood on wobbly legs, determined to meet the last unwelcomed guest of the company. Once he arrived at the entry way he saw a dwarf with midnight hair, streaks of moonlight shimmering grayish-white, eyes a cold blue that could freeze anyone to the spot with fheir broody stare. His nose was rather big, compared to hobbits, but was small by dwarrow standards. He wore black chainmail, a deep blue tunic, grey, mud-stained boots, that appeared to have seen better days, pants of the same grey color as his boots with equal amount of mud-stains as the boots, and a fur shawl of sorts over his shoulder.
"This place is difficult to find, I lost my way, twice." The newly appeared leader of the company stated. This caught Bilbo's attention, his voice was timbre and deep, fully expressing emotion. But the information which this magestic(I know everyone uses this word for him, but it just describes him so perfectly) dwarf invested to all who inhabited the smial of Bagg-End temporarily could hear. It was complete bullshit, there were signs at every fork, everyturn, HELL! Every house had its name on its mailbox, letters curving elegantly and legibly.
"Thorin, this is Bilbo Baggins, my boy, this is Thorin Oakenshield." Gandalf introduced, unknowingly cutting off Bilbo right before he was going to call Bullshit.
"Looks more like a grocer than a Burglar."
And yes... I used majestic. It just fits him so well, alongside broody and emotionally constipated. Please comment!